(A/N: Hey heyyy, haha I don't really have a prelude for this fic, it was just one of those things that came to me and stuck in my head. Just one o' those things. Hope you enjoy.)
"HE WAS NOT IN SPACE!"
"HE WAS TOO!"
"WAS NOT!"
"WAS TOO!"
"WAS HE ABOVE THE CARTMAN LINE?!"
"IT'S 'KARMAN' LINE, AND YES, HE WAS, HE WAS FUCKING ABOVE IT!"
"THAT WASN'T THE KARMAN LINE, IT WAS THE EDGE OF THE ATMOSPHERE!"
"THAT'S WHAT THE KARMAN LINE IS, YOU FAT MORON!"
Kyle plucked one of his earbuds out. "What's their fight about now?"
"Wha? Oh, I dunno," Stan snapped back to reality. "I zoned out when it was about Starburst or whatever."
On the bus ride to South Park Elementary, Cartman was draped over a backrest, engaged in a screaming match with Wendy. All the students had found ways of ignoring it, knowing it was useless trying to intervene. So, all of them merely stared out the window or listened to something on their phones as the two shouted their lungs out about topic after topic.
Across the aisle, Kyle rolled his eyes and continued blaring his music.
"Ohh Jesus F. Christmas, you still refer to that outdated 6-10-15 scale, how pwecious!" Cartman condescendingly pinched Wendy's cheek. "Get with the program, Wendy, that's not even how numbers work! ACK!"
Had Cartman been a millisecond slower, she'd have bitten his finger off. "Fuck off! God, you're too stupid to even carry an argument!"
He frowned a grim frown as she turned away from him. "What was that?"
"I. Said. You're. Stupid."
"How 'bout you say that to my face?!" Cartman challenged thoughtlessly.
Unafraid, Wendy grabbed his collar and yanked him closer than was reasonable. "You're stupid."
A pause ensued, the bold act seemingly silencing Cartman. Perhaps his slight tremble indicated him remembering Wendy wasn't to be fucked with...
He clumsily sank back into his seat. Though the bus ride was quiet from then on, the tension was still in the air, foggin' up the windows.
"I'll show her..."
Finally, the bus arrived at the school.
"Oh, thank God," said Kyle. "I thought my eardrums were gonna give out, and I was running out of songs on my 'For Drowning Out Fatass' playlist."
"Dude, send me a link to that," Stan requested as he stood up.
"WHAT?"
The students filed out of the bus, with Cartman bringing up the rear.
"Ahem. 'Scuse me, bus driver lady?" He innocently tapped the bus driver's shoulder. "That mean hippie girl in the beret called me the S word!"
At this, Wendy whipped around. "Got to be kidding me."
"If I didn't hear it, it wasn't said," the bus driver sighed, sliding her headphones off. "Now hurry up, kid, you don't wanna be late."
"Hmph, nice try," Wendy snarked as he trudged off the bus.
"You just got lucky!" hissed Cartman. "You wouldn't try that shit again if it meant you might get in actual trouble!"
"Uh, yeah, I would."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, I don't care about the place, the time, or how much trouble I could get in!" asserted Wendy. "I would never stop myself from reminding you what a pig-headed idiot you are!"
"Sounds like a challenge to me," Cartman sneered. "Hm-hm, I dare you to..."
"Oh, why would I bother taking your dumb dare? You don't have anything I want," Wendy went to follow the crowd into the building.
"Yeah, I do; I've got cash!"
"...how much?"
"You'll only find out if you take the dare."
"Is it more than a dollar?"
"WENDY."
"Fine, what's the dare?"
"You hafta call me 'stupid' in every single class we have today. To my face. Out loud. Without getting in trouble."
"And if I get in trouble or I don't do it, then you win?"
"Yeah, doi."
Crossing her arms, Wendy admitted to herself that this sounded kinda interesting—tempting, even. "Well, what do you want? Assuming my embarrassment isn't good enough for you."
"You assumed right. Make me an offer. I don't take sexual favors, by the way."
"Oh, piss off...if you win, you get all the money I have on me." Wendy jostled her backpack, the distinct sound proving she at least had some coins in there. "And you don't get to find out how much unless you win. Deal?"
Just because they had gloves on, Cartman and Wendy were willing to shake hands with each other.
"Deal."
HOMEROOM
"Okay, students, let's take our seats, we have a lot to learn today," Mr. Garrison began in a decent mood.
"Thank God," murmured Kyle (who'd regained his hearing after a trip to the nurse). "I've already had enough stupidity for one day."
"But before we get to that, Wendy Testaburger has a special announcement to make. Wendy?"
"Dammit," Kyle uttered.
"Ahem!" Wendy stood before the class holding a lined sheet of paper. "As your president, I'd just like to tell you that Eric Cartman is stupid...that is all."
"Thank you, Wendy, very formal," was Mr. Garrison's only response. "Now let's all just watch p—I mean, mess around on our phones for a few minutes before the school day actually starts."
The class stared dumbfounded as Wendy took her seat, exchanging a wordless glance with Cartman. He didn't look amused.
MATH
"Can anyone tell me what the Pythagorean Theorem is?" Mr. Garrison was a bit surprised to see multiple students raise their hands. "Eric, whatcha got YOUR hand up for?"
"Uh, because I know the answer, teacher," Cartman scoffed. "It's, like, 3.147 or something."
"That's pi, stupid. And you didn't even get that right," Wendy chided him. "The Pythagorean Theorem states that the sum of the length of any two of the squared sides of a right triangle equals the length of the squared remaining side."
"Pshh, I was close."
"Thank you, Wendy; if you'd said 'isosceles', I was gonna blow a gasket," Mr. Garrison wrote the theorem on the chalkboard. "And Eric, the only pi you know is the frozen kind you get at Food Lion."
"I could make your parents into frozen pie..."
"What was that?"
"Nothin', teach!"
ENGLISH
"...Timmeh! Tim, Tim, TIMMAWH!"
"Very good, Timmy. Who wants to read the next page?"
Wendy volunteered, and Timmy tossed the reading rod to her. "A-he-hem. 'There, climbing out of the smoldering wreckage, was Jeff Gordon. His racing suit torn in all the right places to show off his Roman god body.' Geez, this story is almost as stupid as Cartman."
"HEY!" went Cartman and Mr. Garrison.
"Oh yeahh, I know Jeff Gordon!" Butters had to announce. "Is he on YouTube? He looks like a YouTuber."
"You take that BACK!" snarled Mr. Garrison.
GEOGRAPHY
"Eric...Eric!...ERIC!"
"Wha?" Cartman looked up from his phone. "What're we doin'?"
"For the past 5 minutes, we've been going around the room!" Mr. Garrison said angrily. "You have to name a place on the map, an event that happened there, and when it happened!"
"Okay, uhh," Cartman didn't care at this point. "Waterloo, Canada. That's where the Battle of Waterloo happened. In 1492."
A couple of students giggled, but most of them just rolled their eyes.
"I don't know why I bothered. Your turn, Wendy."
"South Park, Colorado. That's where Cartman was stupid. Every day of his life."
"Very good."
LUNCH
"Wendy's been even more pissed at you than usual," Stan pointed out as he ate. "That bus argument must've been something."
"That, or she's got her period," guessed Kyle, causing Stan to give him a look. "What? It's possible."
"It is. But it's 'cause we've got a bet going," Cartman told them. "And she's gonna get in troubllle."
"Doubtful. The teachers love her and hate you too much. And she's never gotten in trouble for messing with you before," Stan reminded him.
Cartman narrowed his eyes as the boys around the table all nodded in agreement. But just as he inhaled to give his rebuttal, a wad of beans violently splatted him in the head. He shakily looked up to see Wendy leaning against the table.
"Stupid."
HEALTH
"Alright, kids, today we'll be covering the nervous system," Mr. Adler announced. "Mr. Garrison can't teach you everything."
"Understatement of the decade," muttered Kyle.
"Lucky me, I don't have to do much either; Miss Testaburger was kind enough to approach me before class saying she can cover the bulk of it. Come on up, dear. But no screwin' around, or I swear to fuck."
Wendy stepped up before the class, who'd already had enough of her for the day, and pulled down the diagram of the central nervous system. Clearing her throat, she held up one of those finger pointer things. "There are nerve endings all over the body which receive sensations at various points, tracing back to the spinal cord. The spinal cord then sends these sensations up to the brain for interpretation. For instance, when Cartman took his bathroom break earlier, sensations traveled up from the crack of his giant ass, painful sensations due the massive shit passing through his sphincter. Those sensations made their way up his riddled spine to his smallish brain, and were translated into a reminder of how fucking stupid he is to eat a week's worth of leftover City Wok for lunch."
"..."
GYM
Hearing the shrill sound of the coach's whistle, Cartman heaved a sigh. "Ugh, I hate exerting energy."
The other boys scurried out of the locker room, but he stayed behind. In here, Wendy wouldn't be able to get him.
"Eric Cartman, you're a freaking genius!"
So, he circled the lockers again and again, quickly finding himself wallowing in boredom.
"I am so smart~," he said to himself in a sing-song tone. "And Wendy's so dumb. I bet she wouldn't—"
Just then, he heard the locker room door creak open.
"Crap, she would." Cartman frantically looked around for a hiding place. But then he stopped and thought. "Wait, if she's in here...then she's not out there...so if I go out there, I can just lock her in here! Even more genius!"
After checking that the coast was clear, he made a break for the locker room door. He laughed maniacally as he locked it from the outside and blocked it with some gym equipment for good measure.
"HAH, IN YOUR FACE, WENDY!"
In the midst of his victory celebration, he turned to see the gym class staring at him...including Wendy. He paled with realization.
"Hello?" A nasally voice came from within the boys' locker room. "I just came in here to get my insulin, why's the door locked?"
"Goddamn Scott Malkinson," Cartman spoke through his teeth.
"Eric, you can join us for dodgeball AFTER you let Scott out of the locker room," the coach instructed before blowing the whistle once more.
"'Eric, myeh myeh meh myeh meh da lawkur ruhm'," Cartman parroted as he disassembled his blockade bit by bit. "Fuckin' di-a-bet-es."
Wendy casually took a dodgeball from the equipment stack. "You're stupid, Cartman. And the sad part is you don't need me to prove it."
"YOU'RE sad!"
"Is that Eric Cartman?!" exclaimed Scott. "Let me outta here, ya fat shit!"
"Scott, I am NOT your blood sugar so do NOT test me!"
MUSIC
"Alright, kids!" Mr. Romero began brightly. "Today we're singing the best of the best songs from my playlist again!"
The class groaned a collective groan.
"Enough o' that! HIT IT!"
With Romero starting the music, he pointed at each student for the main line he wanted them to sing; they were all lined up in order of singing ability, with the disgruntled Cartman at the end of the line.
"Love will keep us togethah! Think of me, babe, whenevah!" Butters sang with dramatic flair.
"When those girls come hanging around, talking me down," Bebe sang flatly.
"Hear with your heart and you won't hear a sound!" Cartman belted with all his might. "Just—"
"STOP," Wendy cut into the song. "'Cause Cartman is stupid~!"
Romero gave her a thumbs-up. "Nice freestyle, Wendy! Let the music guide you!"
COMPUTER SCIENCE
"And Jet," Cartman leisurely sat down at his computer. "I thought the only lonely place was on the moon, JET! WOO-OO, WOO-OO, WOO-OO!"
"Quit singing!" Kyle huffed beside him. "What're you smiling for anyway, huh? Looks like you're about to lose your bet."
"Nah, no way. We're in the library today, and Wendy's, like, ALL the way over there, she won't be able to say anything."
He perked up as he heard sniffling coming from that direction. Peering over, Cartman saw Wendy had her face buried in her hands and was shaking slightly.
"SEE? Crackin' under the pressure."
"M'kay, kids, you'll be presenting your 'favorite activity' PowerPoints next week, so I hope you've all settled on a topic. Remember you can NOT present on anything illegal...m'kay." As Mr. Mackey was circling the library, he noticed Wendy crying to herself. "Wendy? What's the matter, is it an underwear thing?"
"It's just...I can't decide on my most favorite activity," she whimpered out. "Between cheerleading, volleyball, political advocacy, crafts, sunbathing, and list-making, I just can't choose. I-I think I'm cracking under the pressure of this indecision."
"Wendy, please don't," Mr. Mackey replied in a hushed tone. "If another female student has a breakdown on my watch, PC Principal's gonna kill me, m'kay."
"Well, there is one thing that's sure to bring me peace..."
"Anything!"
"Okay!" Wendy immediately brightened up as she stood. "I just need to talk to Eric real quick."
"Fuckin' snake..." Cartman said, watching her approach him. "You played the mental health card, that's not fair."
Wendy giggled a coy giggle. "Ah, life's not fair. So, Eric. For the sake of my fragile mental health, I must tell you. You're not just stupid, you're also now in my debt."
"I HOPE YOU SHIT AND FALL IN IT, WENDY!" screeched Cartman.
"ERIC! M'KAY!"
BRI-I-I-ING!, the bell signaled the end of the school day, and everyone rushed outside in relief.
"I WIN!" Wendy approached Cartman out front. "Time to pay up, stupid!"
"God," huffed Cartman, emptying out his backpack. "You're just set on this, huh? Couldn't even give me time to think of a way out of it."
"Need I remind you this was your idea?" She smugly collected his quarters; there were more than she expected. "You better not be holding out on me!"
"I swear on my cat's life, that's all I have. Don't tell me you wanna do a cavity search, Miss Mob Boss."
"Nah, I'm fine. If you're so pissy, why'd you even suggest this bet? You were really willing to get insulted by me all day just on the chance I'd end up in trouble?"
Cartman's thoughts briefly flashed back to Wendy's intense stare and passionate fury from the bus argument. "Pfff, yeah, of course I was. You're really not as perceptive as you think."
"You enjoy pissing me off is all," Wendy said semi-jokingly.
"Psh. You got your money, so go give it to starving children in Arizona or whatever."
"Actually, I wanted the money so I could buy some paints for Stan. He's been working hard on his miniatures lately and I was a dollar short, so."
"Oh. Figures."
"What's that mean...?"
"Uhhh, well, you're acting like I'm the crazy one for risking all my money, but you risked all your money on the bet too," Cartman pointed out just as it'd occurred to him. "So I guess Stan didn't need his paint too badly, huh, bitch?"
"Whatever, asshole." Wendy gave him a slight shove, smirking at him being knocked off-balance. She turned away from him, toward her cluster of friends. "Just lemme know if you ever wanna lose any more money."
Cartman mirrored the smirk as she left to catch up with them.
"I certainly will."
(A/N: *pats hands off* That's the end of that. Like half the things I write, this was supposed to be short and simple before I added in needless bullcrap. But that's just how it be.
Ya know the drill, please review, fave, check my profile for more and all that. Also lemme know if there are errors; my "L" key's been a real bitch lately... Ciao bella!)