The day that I gave Conker a piece of my mind
by
M. R. Parkerson
Disclaimer and Warning!
The following one-shot/self-insert fanfiction contains a personal opinion of mine regarding Conker, if you readers like Conker the Squirrel, more power to you, I personally don't like him — well, that is to say I don't like what he is as seen in Conker's Bad Fur Day.
Everything you'll see and read here is from my personal opinion about the character (plus a few facts) and as with all my stories, this one contains my right of First Amendment to US Constitution (Freedom of Speech).
As such, don't take this story seriously, I just don't like the red-furred squirrel's CBFD self — that said, Conker is owned and copyrighted by Rareware, and thanks for respecting my personal opinion towards the once beloved mascot from the same company.
Also, my rant towards him is based off Glenn Quagmire's own rant towards Brian Griffin from the Family Guy episode "Jerome is the New Black" (Season 8 – Episode 7), all three elements of which are owned and copyrighted by Seth MacFarlane.
With all of that in mind, do not attempt to try and change my mind in any shape or form about Conker's Bad Fur Day, your efforts will be in vain.
While I do appreciate certain things about the game: such as it doing movie parodies in the story, as well as some select tracks from its soundtrack and some of its humor. But overall, when all is said and done, I (much like YouTube users superflipper76 and Torri 800) find the game extremely overrated, just like the Twilight franchise, Marvel Comics' very own Wade Wilson/Deadpool, or even the likes of South Park (all of which I can't stand in the least, while liking one or two things from them, if not the whole package).
That said, enjoy the story…
"Assuredly, the evil man will not go unpunished, but the descendants of the righteous will be delivered."
Proverbs 11:21
It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome.*1 I can also easily say that I'm mild mannered and an all-around good person: I have both friends and family who love me for who I am and I them.
I'm happy to admit that I have had my share of pop culture trends I love and adore, others however, not so much — today's story and discussion of something pop culture related happens to fall into the latter category.
I've accomplished more like most men or women*1, without having to lose my temper, except on rare occasions. Until a few days ago, when that challenge proved to be easier said than done.
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Having first appeared as one of two racers who would get their own video game series as seen in Diddy Kong Racing for the N64*2 (the other being Banjo the Bear*3), Conker the Squirrel started off as a seemingly kind and sincere mascot for Rareware's ever evolving character roster. But that was not to be the case for long… even after going under two overhaul redesigns, one Game Boy Color game called Pocket Tales, Conker's eventual first big 3D platforming game (or Conker's Bad Fur Day) was released in 2001 and while it was praised from gamers, the overall genuine concern from parents was how raunchy and morbid the game was. And by today's standards, fans either like the game for what it is or not at all, I'm more in the latter field.
And while I've never personally played Bad Fur Day, I think it's safe to say after watching several reviews that tear it apart (as well as seeing an overall longplay video of the video game from start to finish), I have 100% no interest in finding and acquiring a copy of the game to play it.
That said, I'm sure that a great many of you out there will start wondering about why am I even talking about the game despite the fact I never played it.
And to that I say, it's simple: today's fanfiction story is a one-shot/self-insert where I give the red-furred squirrel a piece of my mind and criticize him for ruining everything that Rareware had become afterwards. Luckily, in recent times, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way about Chris Seavor's anthropomorphic reincarnation of himself.
Understand, people… I don't hate Mr. Seavor as a person, I just have a genuine and huge immediate disliking towards Conker, or rather who he became after Diddy Kong Racing as seen in Bad Fur Day, that's all.
With that said and done, let's begin my story…
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It all began a week ago on a warm and golden sunshine filled day as I had just wrapped up having some interviews with Mario, Luigi and the rest of the gang as to what they thought of the brand new animated movie that was coming out soon. Their responses, I'm proud to say, was nothing short of warmth and sincerity above all else.
However, what happened next, I didn't count on: a day later, I soon discovered an invitation which saw me being invited to what was to be a "definite" good time on seeing the premiere of the new Mario movie.
Safe to say, on the one hand, I was excited to check out the plumbers' new movie, as it was sure to be miles better than their 1993 live action adaptation, which was mediocre at best.
On the other hand, my suspicions got the better of me as I saw that the word definite was spelled as "defanite". I knew right then and there something was not quite right, I didn't know what it could be, but I was sure to find out eventually.
One day later, my excitement died down when I got in a limo and saw not Mario, Luigi plus their companions, but rather, the red-furred squirrel himself.
"Conker?" I asked in shock and was taken aback by Chris Seavor's anthro reincarnation of himself. "Where are Mario and the others?"
"Well, they're not coming," replied the rodent. "I wrote you that invitation, because I knew you'd never come if it was me. But I planned a big night and we're gonna have a great time."
Great time with you? I thought to myself in disgust. As if.
"Look, Conker," I said to the squirrel while trying to stay calm and exit the limo, "it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, but maybe another time."
But whatever I told the infamous rodent wound up going in one ear and out the other as he locked the limousine… it's like he practically ignored what I said.
"Aw, come on, it'll be great," he said. "Listen, Max, I… I want us to be friends, let alone have you be a fan of me. I think we could be an even better team than those two plumbers."
"Well, I supposed it couldn't hurt just this once." I shrugged with a sigh.
"Great," the Cockney-accented sciuridae*4said in delight. "This is going to be fun! Just the two of us having lunch and nothing more."
* PAGE BREAK *
A little while later, we arrived at Conker's favorite pub and I won't dare say its actual name, as I'm trying to keep this story as G or PG rated as possible, for those of you who have played the game, know of the game or just happen to have the internet, should know its name by now. That said, for those of you who don't know the name, I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with The Sock and Trucker.*5
At our table, we sat down and had two different meals and drinks: I had both a glass of chardonnay and water to drink and a cheeseburger as my main course, while Conker had (of course) a mug of beer and a plate of fish and chips to eat.
His mug had been emptied several times, implying that this was not his first glass. If anything, by now, he was probably by now his 5th or 6th glass. How little one red-furred squirrel like him could not hold his alcohol, I'll never know… then again, I don't think I want to know… especially seeing as that was the source of what caused him to have his downfall and the events of his life to spiral out of control in the first place as seen in BFD.
"So…" he said in a drunken stupor after a brief pause and started chuckling. "Whose do you have to ask to get another beer around here?"
I said nothing, just shrugged, and went back to eating my meal.
Conker then examined one of the food utensils in curiosity, more specifically a steak knife, his eyes bulged in amazement.
"Oh, my giddy aunt! Look at the size of these steak knives!" he claimed, in what I assume was the alcohol talking, either that, him attempting to be funny. And not Robin Williams*6 funny, mind you — more along the lines of South Park*6 funny, which I do not find funny at all. "Wha… what are they serving us, wooly mammoth?"
"Doubt it." I said nonchalantly, taking a sip of my chardonnay.
Grabbing a bottle of ketchup, the Cockney-accented sciuridae started horsing around by pretending to drink it like a can of tomato juice. Again, I don't know why, but I think it was the booze talking and the guy who invited me to the luncheon that started to tick me off.
"Hey, what if I just drank this whole bottle of ketchup?" I raised an eyebrow as he asked his rhetorical question. "Can you imagine? You dare me to do it?"
"That'd kind of ruin it for the next person who might want some ketchup." I said with seriousness in my voice. And as you'll have gathered by now, unlike Conker, I was sober.
There was a long pause, I'd hope that the squirrel would shut up by now, but he didn't.
"So, how's the financial business?" he inquired.
How he found about my employment, I'll never know. My best guess is that he found my work info on Facebook.
"It's great." I answered, hoping that he would go away as I was feeling with every passing second of his alcohol stained breath that was dangerously too close to my face. "Business is booming, lot of new hires, lot of stuff to do… all that jazz."
"Yeah?" he nodded, hoping to hear more.
That's pretty much it." I said with a shrug. "I mean, you want to learn more, ask Banjo or something, I… I don't know."
"Boy, that's got to be an interesting job," Conker said, hoping to get a better understanding. But as I said before, I'm sure everything he said was from his drunken state. "I'll bet you get… how does that work?"
"What, finance?" I asked with visible irritation on my face. "How does finance work?"
"Yeah," the squirrel nodded with interest.
"You want me to sit here and explain to you how finance works?" I repeated myself.
"I don't know, yeah," he nodded again, albeit, this time, he was more nervous.
On the one hand, I was prepared to tell Conker that my position was different than most of my friends and colleagues. But on the other hand, I was not willing to dive into anything too foolish. Knowing him, he'd probably try and pull a heist of some sort, just like towards the end of his game BFD, which referenced the scene from The Matrix. So, I decided in the end, I will not tell him anything.
"You want to maybe just go lie down?" I asked him, hoping once his drunken state was gone we could talk more properly like civilized beings.
"Max, come on, I'm really trying hard here," panicked the sciuridae.
"Who asked you to try hard?" I asked, beginning to get annoyed by the squirrel's unruly behavior and frankly nauseating drunken stupor.
"Nobody." He answered truthfully. "But all—" He hiccupped. "I'm trying to establish a friendship with you, let alone hope you'll be a fan of me."
Trying too hard, more like it, I thought to myself in frustration.
"All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?" asked Conker. "Outside of my game not appealing to you, I mean."
It was in that exact moment, something inside of me snapped: if I were to proclaim my case to Conker on why he was such a pompous and arrogant pop culture icon who was a former image of his good self from years ago, let alone one video game mascot that did not deserve his fame*7, it was now or never and there would be no going back.
* PAGE BREAK *
After taking several inhales and exhales, I laid down my long case in front of the Cockney-accented sciuridae.
"Okay, I'll tell you…" as I spoke, I raised a finger each time to point out my points towards him. "You are one of the worst pop culture icons that I know." One finger. "You constantly hit on other girls that weren't your own." Two fingers. "Nintendo allowed Rareware to give you an overhaul treatment, and Bad Fur Day is how you repay them?" Three fingers. "And what really bothers me is you think to yourself that you're this deep guy who loved your girl Berri for her soul, when in reality you loved her for her body." Four fingers, "Adding to that, she was a Lola Bunny ripoff." Five fingers. "And I'm not certain, but I think regarding your lady, you may or may not have had an abusive relationship with her."*8
The red-furred squirrel raised an eyebrow, "What's wrong with that?"
"In the first place, Berri wasn't a Space Jam Lola ripoff, she was just as bad as The Looney Tunes Show version Lola. But enough about that, back to you…" I pointed a finger at the Rareware mascot. "Your supposed 'relationship' with Berri, were it indeed abusive, would have gotten you in trouble from the law for domestic violence." I then explained how dating worked on my part. "Yeah, I date women to have a good time, hopefully see them again, and at least I'm honest about it." Conker nodded. "I don't buy them a copy of Ted Bundy: Conversations with a Killer and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Ted Bundy was some profound intellectual."
"He was indeed," the rodent said, beaming with pride.
I stiffly nodded back in return, "Yes, but don't forget, he was also a notorious mass murder!*9 And that's why you like him so much… he's you! My word, you're so pretentious!"
Now whether or not he knew that himself, the rodent had to look inside himself.
"And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great video game hero, even though you're terrible!"
Trying to voice his opinion, he said "Well, I…"
I cut him off. "You know, I should have known Mario*10 didn't write me that note. He would have known there's no "a" in the word 'definite'. Not to mention you forged his signature, that's a major crime, pa.…" I raised one finger. "And I think that what I'm most disgusted about you, is the fact how you give other good fictional squirrels a bad name. Just to name a few that come to mind: Sandy Cheeks, Rocky, Slappy Squirrel, her nephew Skippy, heck, even Secret Squirrel are all better squirrels than you. And let's not forget the likes of Alvin, his brothers Simon and Theodore, as well as the likes of Chip and Dale, The Chipettes; aka Brittany, Eleanor and Jeanette Miller, even Sally Acorn*11 is more influential than you."
"I suppose." he shrugged.
"And what have you done to continue your career? Oh, right… you haven't done anything, because your franchise is as stale as Sonic '06 and Sonic Boom."*12
"Well, I got some ideas for Rareware," the drunken squirrel said, clearly lying his two front and buck-shaped teeth off.
"I'm sure you do." I said with heavy sarcasm and resumed counting off his crimes. "But anyway, you robbed a few catfish and some bees out of their money, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a mother!" Two fingers. "How's that son of yours you never see?" Before he could answer, I cut Conker off once more. "Oh, that's right! You don't see him anymore! And you know why? It's because you sacrificed him by murdering him in the Uga Buga level, that's a crime which I'm pretty sure would get you arrested in real life and sent you to prison!" Three fingers. "Also, despite the fact your game was well-praised years ago and you're not doing any better these days, your game is what killed Rareware and all hope on you getting better as a video game icon."
I took a moment to rest my voice from ranting as I took a drink of water to re-energize my pipes.
A moment later, a rather ticked off and annoyed Conker asked me, "Are you done?"
To which, I shook my head. "Not quite. There's one last thing that needs to be addressed…"
It was quite clear this last thing I really wanted to get off of my chest right from the get go, it was time to finish this conversation as the so-called "mascot" frowned.
"What's that? Tell me, Max. I dare you." He hiccupped. "I double dare you! Say what's the worst thing about me and be done with it!"
I smiled fiendishly and delivered the blow.
"Your worst crime ever? For all the 'fun' you had in your so-called 'adventure' when you asked the programmer who unfroze the lock up in your game and helped you defeat the Xenomorph, you never once thought about asking them to bring Berri back from the dead so you could make amends with her. Then maybe, just maybe, mind you… you'd abuse her some more, you little jerk!" I waved air quotes. "Yes, your game is called "Bad Fur Day" for a reason, but think about what I am saying, Conker: you could've taken a few seconds to fix that too, but by now it's too little too late for you. You may have learned your lesson in the end, but you're never ever gonna see her again, unless your franchise is resurrected by some unlikely miracle." I raised one more finger. "And your game is the one surefire game Nintendo is ashamed of allowing to have been made.*13 Adding to that, Rareware is now not doing so hot with games… because of you! Plus, you're not really a true 'hero', you're more of a hypocrite in more ways than one, if you took the time to realize it while analyzing the game's script. As such, why should we as gamers have to suffer the same rotten day you did?" He was about to answer that, but I cut him off, as that was a hypothetical question. "Look at yourself, Conker. You didn't emerge as a hero at the end of your game, if anything, it was quite the opposite… you lived long enough to see yourself become the villain."
* PAGE BREAK *
There was a long pause, as I took a swig of some more water to rehydrate my pipes. Conker, meanwhile, took what seemed like an hour or two in order to process everything that I said just to him.
When his train of thought was done, he spoke up to do a comeback.
"So," he said with a frown. "You didn't like how I turned out, how my game turned out and you didn't like how I didn't do right by Berri before her death, is that all? Well, Max, you know what I think?"
I raised an eyebrow, wondering where the sciuridae's opinion would go from here. But before he could voice it, something dawned on him.
"Wait…" His eyes bulged in shock. "Oh, dear L.O.G."*14
"Terrible, isn't it? You're game, I mean." I asked.
"Oh… dear L.O.G." he said again, beginning to freak out.
"Most overrated Rareware game ever made, huh?"
"OH, DEAR L.O.G.!" he now cried out in panic.
L.O.G. for those of you who don't know, was a character created for the Xbox 360 blunder known as Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts*15, which I won't deny (like a great many before) is one of the WORST… VIDEO GAMES… EVER*16— his name was an anagram which stood for Lord of Games.
But that's not important, what is important is the fact that I wondered where Conker's epiphany, if you could call it that, was going with the situation at hand.
"What is it, Conker?" I asked impatiently, tapping a foot. "Out with it, man!"
"You're right, Max!" Conker realized. "For all the fun I had in my adventure, when I asked the programmer who unfroze the lock up in my game and helped me defeat the Xenomorph, I completely overlooked asking them to bring Berri back from the dead so I could make amends with her and possibly abuse her. I am a hypocrite in more ways than one!" He then began to cry and beg for repentance by tearing up. "Can you ever forgive me?"
In my life, I had always been told by my mom, friend Chris and others in the past, "Just because we are Christians and the fact that we do forgive someone (depending on who they are) that doesn't automatically mean you're going to let them back into your life. They need to do the legwork themselves to do right by you."*18
As such, Conker may have been good once all those years ago, but I was not going to let him back into my life. Not no way, not nohow…*17 at least the BDF version of him. And anyway, that's what I came to decide, he would never earn my forgiveness and he would be out of mind and reach… forever!*18
"You know what, Conker? I could forgive all of that, all of it…" Conker looked up with hope as I scowled at him with disgust, "…if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Conker: you're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore who is all washed up. You little twit!"
The mascot's face drooped in sadness as I heavily sighed, left the table, paid for our meal and left the pub.
"Well, I'll be seeing you, Conker. Thanks for the lunch."
Alone by himself and the bartender, Conker cried his eyes out, knowing my words to be true — never crossing paths with me ever again.
* PAGE BREAK *
It was a day or two later after my so-called 'meeting', I took out a restraining order for life towards the squirrel. This in return would let the squirrel know that if he tried to give me a phone call, he'd so much as come anywhere near me, the law would have him be stripped of all his land and unearned crown.
As for Conker himself, I never saw him again after that. If anything, he was right where he belonged: king of all the land in his 'beloved' video game, friendless, alone and having a moderate fan base, and far away from my mind as much as humanly possible.
A few days later, the stupid little sciuridae wound up (no shock here) drinking himself to death out of pity… but I think it was more out of bitterness as to who and what he had become. Personally, I didn't believe that version of himself was not even capable of being remorseful in any shape or form — except maybe in the ending of his game. And by the time he realized that, it was far too late for him to repent for his sins.
Then again, considering the way his game ended, Conker has always struck me as the type who later became, not an atheist and certainly an agnostic. But something far worse: a misotheist, which essentially is a person who shows hatred towards God or all gods in general, when compared to my Christian faith.
But with all of that said and done, where am I now these days, you ask? — I am here wrapping up on writing this story for all of you to look at and give your thoughts on, as well as writing my other stories. I am also still currently searching for that one girl to make my life even more happier. And of course, I am still loved by friends, family, God and his Son, no matter what.
In the end, Conker was right about one thing, that being "the grass is always greener". As such, I am proud to acknowledge that my life has turned out to be a better one than his ever will. And that's all I have to say about that…*19
THE END!
Author's notes:
* So that was my story, and as always, please fill free to leave me your feedback.
- And remember, don't take it too seriously, something that may appeal to you people, may not always appeal to others, like how CBFD didn't wow me over.
* And finally: I own nothing in this fanfiction, except the words I write, as such: Conker is currently owned and © by Rareware and Microsoft, while the rant from Family Guy that I parodied is owned and © by Seth MacFarlane.
EASTER EGGS:
1. My opening is based off some dialogue from the 1998 classic movie The Big Lebowski.
2. Looking back on it, I very much enjoyed Diddy Kong Racing not only as a video game, as well as a soundtrack.
• Same to be said about its competition (or Mario Kart 64).
3. Banjo the Bear was the other character who got his fair share of games after Diddy Kong Racing.
• And whereas Conker's fame was (in my opinion) not well-earned, Banjo's however, was.
4. Sciuridae is the family name is basically the Latin family animal name where squirrels (even chipmunks) come from.
5. Yeah, I'm not going to say the real name of Conker's favorite pub, as again, I'm trying to keep this story G to PG rated and not rated PG-13 or R.
6. Robin Williams was a great, legendary comedic and dramatic and actor, let alone was one of major inspirations to being funny.
• South Park, on the other hand, I find very immature and gross as a show, it (in my opinion) does not deserve its fame.
7. As mentioned before, there are other pop culture icons whom I believe that don't deserve their fame, such as Marvel Comics' own Wade Wilson/Deadpool.
8. While I can't actually prove this scientifically, I (like YouTube users superflipper76 and Torri 800) believe that Conker and Berri's relationship was one of abuse and not of true love.
9. Ted Bundy, a famous serial killer, was indeed very bright.
• Considering all the people he killed, may he rot in Hell where he belongs.
10. Do have to explain who Nintendo's famous mascot is?
• We all should know by now who he is.
11. Those you see listed, are indeed other famous squirrels and chipmunks, all of whom are worthy of their praise.
• Unlike Conker, who doesn't deserve it.
12. Those are a few titles in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise that are said to be some of the worst games ever made.
13. While writing this one-shot story, I've discovered some articles say that Nintendo has claimed for record CBDF is the one sure fire video game they're ashamed of.
• And to be honest, I don't blame them.
14. L.O.G. was indeed a character created for the Xbox 360 game Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts, saying of which…
15. Nuts & Bolts was one of the worst video games I have ever laid eyes upon.
16. Couldn't resisting to a variation of The Simpsons Comic Book Guy's motto, or "Worst… *fill in the blank here*… ever!"
17. The "not way, not no how" line is a nod to the The Wizard of Oz movie line that the guard in the Emerald City said Dorothy and the gang when they try to see the Wizard, or, "Nobody can see the Great Oz! Not nobody, not nohow!"
18. That is indeed I've come to learn in real life as a Christian, and I'm proud to say that it's been a useful moral and lesson for me in more ways than one.
19. My closing is based off a line from the classic 1994 Tom Hanks movie Forrest Gump.