your eyes don't shine like they used to

by her name is erika

"Allow yourself to exist freely in this new world open to you, Lily." / Or, a Lily Winters character study.

2. finding hope in little things

ii. finding hope in little things

One of the things she had re-learned about Billy was his tendency to be somewhere between intuitive and impulsive. Sometimes the two were far apart, and other times the two met in the middle. Lily could never untangle them. She had stopped trying because they were part of him. When she woke up the day after Victoria and Ashland, she was not surprised by the feeling that she had outworn their welcome.

Lily knew little to no Italian and it was exhausting traveling with two kids, but she took the time to appreciate Florence for his history and architecture. According to Billy, the Newman palazzo was now enemy turf but she longer wanted to be here. The staff were lovely, hospitable and polite to her and Billy, and made sure they were comfortable. She watched Billy share a certain familiarity with them, watched the way he moved around the place and to know where the hidden places of the expansive property were. He told her he had come with Victoria a few times when they were together and she had taught their children so their Italian was going to be as fluent as hers. His Italian was bad, but not as bad as his French.

From the direct view of their room, Lily could see the entire family share breakfast with the newlyweds. Victoria and Ashland with her bridesmaids and their own families. Johnny and Katie playing with Harrison. Summer and Kyle with their own newlywed bliss. Reed had decided to show up at the last minute, having gotten over a flu bug, with his girlfriend and were talking with Victor and Nikki. A little girl with curls, a dress with bright yellow sunflowers and sequined converses clung to her father's hand before Reed bent to scoop her up piggyback style. Reed's best friend from GC High, Lou. Detective Campbell's kid. He had that kid straight out of high school. Hilarious kid. Developed a whole operating system, and set himself up for life with the tech industry salivating after the new wunderkind. His girlfriend, Ava, is pregnant with their second one. That's Zahra. Reed's goddaughter.

—

Lily didn't have to be introduced to Emmy Marshall. The girl was everywhere and her kids knew her personally through Reed. Teengers and young adults were better at Six Degrees of Separation and social media made it much easier. Charlie and Mattie knew Emmy before she became a musician. Lily recognized the head of ombre curls, the colourful sleeve tattoo on her bare right arm as she wore a bright yellow sundress. Lily watched her walk over to Victoria and warmly hug her. Lily watched Billy's demeanor change throughout the ceremony, watched Emmy sit with her parents and couldn't help but feel a pinprick of jealousy and longing for her own. She had seen Charlie in New York and spent time with Mattie in California but it never seemed to be enough.

She didn't attend the reception and neither did Billy. She could hear the distant music, cheers and jubilant atmosphere but it was far better, more romantic to be alone together. In the morning, they all had woken up and in the maze of this large place, Lily and Billy both bumped into a still sleepy, maybe hungover Reed. Lily saw him and he wasn't the teenager who had snuck around with her daughter under the pretense of adolescent love. He was an adult. He was self-assured and seemed to grow with his music. It was enough to impress her brother but the morning after his mother's wedding didn't seem like the right time. His dark long hair was pulled into a manbun. Reed wore a Black Sabbath graphic tee, black jeans and Chuck Taylors on his feet and a black and red flannel shirt tied around his waist by its sleeves. An unsmoked cigarette rested by his ear.

Reed greeted her politely, stumbling on what to call her until Lily told him it was fine to call just all her Lily. She hadn't been Mrs. Ashby for a while (it was freeing after a decade) and it felt weird to be referred to as Ms. Winters in some settings. He smiled wryly at her and then treated Billy with a polite sort of tension.

Reed walked by them down a hall, turned right down a hall and then he was gone.

Billy turned to her and kissed her forehead. "I'm going to take a walk."

"I could come with you."

"You could," he replied and took her hands, kissing both of them. "But I need to be alone. I'll be back."

—

Stephanie Carmichael (capable of anything, isn't much of a talker, don't attempt it, sent adults to their literal knees one time because someone bought Johnny and Katie's favourite desserts), the governor's daughter, pressed a kiss to Reed's mouth before walking off in a direction into parts unknown with a camera around her neck. Hmm. Stephanie really did love the colour black and by the looks of it photography, but it was best to leave her alone.

—

Adam and Victoria sitting on a bench in conversation. Billy would have seen this and marveled at hell freezing over, but Lily sighed, chalking it up to a wedding causing Adam and Victoria to call a tenuous ceasefire. She peeled her eyes from the window, her resolve to go home strong. Gaines was gone.

The Newmans had dealt with him and even though she thought nothing positive of Ashland Locke, it was done. Quite frankly, Lily didn't want to be here anymore. She was in no mood to endure Victoria's venom and get caught in the line of fire even though Billy was the target.

There was no reason for this anymore. Victoria was a happily married woman and they all had to deal with Ashland being more of a presence. In the middle of folding a blouse, Billy burst into the room. He was full of nervous energy and paced.

"This is incredible. The Newmans have full control of the Gaines narrative."

Lily exhaled, placing another article in the suitcase on the floor and touched his arm. "Stop," she gently but firmly said, but she couldn't keep the exasperation out of her voice. Lily took his arm and directed him to sit while she stood, folding her arms. "Take a breath, Billy," she instructed as he opened his mouth to speak. "Take a breath," she said again, and he did. He inhaled, and then exhaled. Billy rubbed a hand over his face and she sat next to him, her hand on his knee.

"All the key players are laughing it up over breakfast like Victor, Adam and Ashland didn't just make a man disappear. I don't even want to think about it, but it's not out of the realm of possibility."

"What do you mean?" she asked, with a raised brow. Then it had dawned on her, an unspoken possibility in his eyes. "Oh…wait a minute. You're not suggesting Victoria actively helped them, aren't you?"

"She's the mother of my children. It sounds crazy. I know. But the way she looked at me..." he trailed off. He shrugged, turning to look at her. "I spent the better part of our off-and-on relationship hurting her. She'll find a way to hurt me."

"You know it takes two people to build and destroy a relationship, right? She's furious with you for that stabbing when it was really a series of unfortunate events. She's angry with you, but she can't possibly want to hurt you. You're Johnny and Katie's father. Holding a grudge doesn't equate to leading the charge in making a man disappear. Maybe it's a well-planned cover up. You're going to have to accept that and move on."

Lily had been reassuring with a touch of levity to the situation. Maybe she should have dropped the kids off and grabbed Billy and took off on the next flight to Genoa City. Maybe they should have respected it when Victoria had rescinded her invitation, but the maybes didn't matter. Neither did the speculation.

How wrong she was. Hindsight being 20/20 and all.

—

Victoria was enraged. Lily knew he would always carry guilt for the way he had hurt ex-wife, and she recognized the signs of pain kept in the body. In prison, she had to deal with the crippling heartbreak of knowing Cane and Victoria had gotten tangled up in each other. She could have looked at Cane sitting across from her with desperation and regret in his eyes and asked him to explain it to her. But she developed a skill for reading people, understanding the things unsaid, the little tells that people had and were unaware of. She had caught the tan line of Cane's ring finger, the silver band resting but not settled. He had taken it off and then in haste decided to put it back on. Their marriage was over and Lily was buoyed by that strangely enough. Cane had made the first and second moves. Her hands were clean and her mind was clear. It was time for a divorce so she could heal and focus on the work she had in here. Cane could be free to do whatever he wanted, with whoever and she would feel no sense of outrage in time.

Lily noticed the unshed tears in Victoria's eyes, the way her words bulldozed over Billy's attempted explanations. As much as she wanted to get the truth, she didn't want this. It was Billy's determination that had landed them there, and she felt it was her practicality that had to get them out. Her stomach dropped with the realization that she had perhaps miscalculated. Victoria wasn't the warmest person on a good day. Lily knew she had been battle hardened by years of clawing her way up in an arena dominated by men. Lily saw the woman's edges and the steel in her spine. With them standing in this room, Victoria's rage burned hot and threatened to consume them both. She had asked Billy to let her go, to leave her be, and called him an audacity-filled screw-up.

The anger shook Victoria's frame and she took the time to strike Billy down with something in rapid fire Italian like knives. She didn't have to understand that it had cut him deeply because he flinched. Lily watched Victoria walk away without looking back, Ashland trailing behind to comfort his bride.

"Billy, maybe we should get out of here," Lily suggested when the two had left. "The kids are here. They're with their family. This wedding is happening."

"What? I'm not family?"

"You will be tied to Victoria forever because of the kids…" she tried to explain as possible without wounding him. Then a question popped into her mind: why did he care so much? Why did he need to be more? Why did he insist on being here after his invitation was rescinded? Maybe what Victoria and Ashland had was real. Maybe it meant something, but it wasn't up to anyone to decipher. She sighed, exhaled really. "Look. I have limited Italian, but even I know she said that to disrespect you. She didn't mean any of that. But we need to go now. Why stay in a place where a good size of the population doesn't want you?"

"I don't care about everyone. I care about my children. I know Victoria well enough to know she'll get over this, but I have to see this Gaines thing through. Even if she's part of this."

"At the risk of antagonizing the mother of your children further?"

"I can't do any worse there."

Lily looked at him with empathy, and touched his arm. "It doesn't mean it didn't hurt you. I'm sorry."

She decided not to tell him about booking tickets home as soon as she arrived and dropped the kids off.

—

She had read and heard stories of haughty princesses, kind ones, ones that were trapped by fire breathing dragons. Not once had Lily read anything about the princess being the fire-breathing dragon.

—

That was the thing about stories.

They weren't linear, and could be whatever the writer wanted them to be. What was done was done. They could have prepared for war when they returned to Genoa City, but they were in a beautiful country. Lily wanted to see the grand church she had driven past up close. She wanted to explore Tuscany and walk its cobblestone streets, have freshly made gelato, taste wine…

She took Billy's face in her hands, his stubble scratching her palms and simply kissed him. One of her hands landed on his chest and felt his strong, steady heartbeat underneath it. His hand found hers, curling around it firmly. Lily pulled away, and smiled.

"I didn't mind that, but what was that for?"

Lily shifted over so she landed in his lap, her arms loosely around his neck. There's a familiar twinkle in his dark eyes, and he smiled brilliantly at her. She missed that smile at the dimple that came with it. It was a relief to be reminded that it still existed.

"Just a reminder. Gaines doesn't matter. The wedding is over. We're in a beautiful country and there's so much of it to explore. The church with the huge dome," she snapped her fingers, recalling it. "The Duomo. The art. The actual architecture. The little cafes," she felt her own excitement bubbling over and couldn't stop. "I'd never had gelato ever…" Lily stopped her when Billy laughed at her, shaking his head. She laughed, too. "What? You don't want to do all that with me?"

"I do. Your excitement is adorable. That's all. But okay," Billy suddenly stood up, and Lily cried out in surprise because she was in his arms, bridal style. "If it's an Italian adventure the lady wants, it's an Italian adventure she gets!"

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely."

—

They had left the Newman palazzo into a whole country to experience and explore. The Duomo. The Uffizi Museum that kept the works of DaVinci. Standing on the Ponte Vecchio bridge and walking through palazzo Vecchio in awe of those who had taken these same steps centuries before her. Every step taken was by someone seeking a clean slate or looking at their pasts and yet looking for their own rebirth, a renaissance.

She spent the next couple days walking around with Billy, her hand in hers with their fingers interlocked. They had talked about where they would have lived, who they would have been in the Renaissance period. But they were just two people in love rediscovering more of themselves even though they had years of history. In the present, Lily shared her tiramisu with him and discovered that in the wonderful chaos of sightseeing, dancing, drinking and eating, Billy's idea of taking a train to the beach and watching the Italian countryside roll by was perfect.

It was then Lily realized, despite her partner being Billy Abbott, she never wanted to stop exploring whatever adventure was coming. She wanted their story to take many twists and turns – even ones she never saw coming – and still, grow. She wanted to grow as a person and evolve along with him. Lily loved the little things: the way Billy chewed on his pens while deep in thought, his tendency to sleep on the left side of their bed, Springsteen playing in his AirPods while he journaled his thoughts at three in the morning, and how he sang (loudly, off-key but exuberantly) Everlong by the Foo Fighters while he danced with her in their living room just because it was a song about being love with someone so much, it was harmonious.

"And I wonder / When I sing along with you / If everything could ever be this real forever…"

Harmony. Being in sync, Lily thought. That was them. She tried so hard to keep the pages from fraying, and their saga from coming apart at the seams. Lily understood that there would be others in her life, just in the margins. She never thought about Cane unless Charlie and Mattie told her of their trips to see him and Sam in Australia. Billy's story with Victoria was its own saga, and they would be connected because of the children. Even with Billy leaving Chancellor-Winters, Nate betraying her, not only as a colleague but as family, still Lily worked to keep the company afloat and her adventure with Billy intact. Not perfect, but not reaching the point of no return.

Halloween was the perfect time. Johnny was at a Halloween party with Connor, according to Billy, and would be at the Ranch later. Katie was already there. Victoria was hosting a Halloween party at the newly resurrected and renovated Colonnade Room. Dinner and drinks with a dance at Glam Club with Billy was a way to connect and get back what they had. Lily stayed up in bed, wondering what had happened to them.

Every story had a plot twist, but it was frustrating to have Chelsea everywhere.

It was nothing at the time to be insecure about. Lily wasn't that kind of girlfriend. Secure as she was in her relationship with Billy, Chelsea had kissed her boyfriend and she'd let it go. Lily understood how mental health was insidious. The depression crept in like a shadow and anxiety came in so quietly, it didn't make itself known until Lily found herself sedated with lorazepam in the prison infirmary. So, Lily understood Chelsea's need to hold on to something tangible, her desperation to form some kind of connection even if it was with Johnny and it made Victoria uncomfortable.

Selfishly, Lily just wanted to enjoy her night with Billy but she couldn't. How was wrapped in another woman that wasn't her was beyond her understanding. Lily was left to fight Chelsea's presence.

Chelsea was the one plot twist that had thrown everything off course, and Lily finally understood.

How could she fight when she could see the end in her sights?

—

She should have been able to share a meal with Billy after their dance on a Halloween filled with ghosts, goblins and haunted houses.

Him, recapping how Katie's Halloween showcase went. How Katie was an exceptional dancer for someone her age. In turn, she was excited to tell Billy how she and Katie had bonded because of their love of dance and how Katie's determination to do the perfect pirouette paid off because she learned how to find her center and spot. She wanted to also hear honestly how this Johnny and Connor thing was affecting him because Billy didn't need to carry all of this alone.

She should have been able to share her experience with being adopted but still loving her father, and seeing Uncle Malcolm as…well, her uncle. At one point in time, she was Johnny. I have been lied to for sixteen years! I deserve to know who my father is! Angry that the truth had been hidden from her, confused and then feeling whole because her world had shifted but re-aligned with the knowledge that she had no shortage of people to love and support her. Johnny was a kind, sweet soul with charm and wit just like his father, but was smart enough to navigate this.

On days where Johnny woke up angry and wasn't in the mood to untangle anything, Lily thought it was nice that Johnny wanted to come by Chancellor-Winters to pound away on a drum kit in one of their soundproof studios. Billy no longer worked there but Johnny was welcome to come by. Lily would be there to talk to Johnny, but only if Victoria was fine with it.

She wanted to tell Billy how she had been tasked with dropping Johnny off to Victoria's house while Katie had a playdate. She had been excited to tell Billy that Devon thought his 13-year-old had a good handle on the drum kit and it meant everything to him. He would have made some joke about Victoria having both of her sons touring when she was hoping Johnny became a Supreme Court Justice.

It would have meant enough to her just fall back in-sync and push this…dissonance away.

Dissonance, Devon told her one day, was a musical term. Just because two keys on the piano were placed closely together, it didn't mean they sounded great together.

His ringtone with the flashing of Chelsea's name on the screen only solidified the fraying connection between them and it made her head hurt. Lily didn't know why this surprised her. Chelsea seemed to be the third person in her relationship with Billy, and this all consuming entity in his heart and head. There was no room for anyone else. Not even her.

"Lily—"

"No, please. Don't let me stop you. Chelsea has an issue and only you can fix it."

"Please don't do that…"

Lily shrugged, keeping her gaze focused on her glass of favourite white wine. Halloween was great, intimate even. Then the bubble popped. Something had happened. There was a visible shift, and she didn't understand. Billy was apologetic. She could see it in his eyes, but still he was moving to leave.

"Do what?"

"Make this thing a big deal. Chelsea…" he started, something unspoken and then he stopped. "I just have to make sure she's okay. Something's wrong and I can't ignore it."

"Why can't you? Do you have any idea how much it took for me to even consider this? I was hoping…" she frowned, glaring at him. The anger churned in her gut, and she felt so stupid. If she wanted to be able and in solitude, she would have preferred to return to the office and stare at more spreadsheets until it all blurred together. Social media won't let her forget Victoria's Halloween party, and her employees had been there having the time of their lives. They were only doing as she asked.

"I'm sorry about this. I'll make it up to you."

No, he wouldn't, Lily thought, taking a sip of her wine. The usually sweet wine turned bitter on her tongue. Still, she forced herself to be the picture of grace and decided it was too exhausting to be angry. All she had to do was compartmentalize enough.

She swallowed the mouthful of wine and looked him in the eye.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Billy. You've been making a lot of those lately."

Billy sighed, apologized, and kissed her. She watched him walk away. Look back. Please look back, Billy. Please, she had silently prayed. Realizing that she had been waiting with bated breath, Lily exhaled shakily.

Billy didn't hesitate or look back, not once. In fact, he sprinted.

Closing her eyes, Lily heard the sound of a side door opening and then closing shut.

It all felt permanent and final. And yet, like the fool she was, she sat there and waited until she couldn't anymore. Maybe it was the familiar feeling of being alone, feeling as if she went from understanding Billy to not recognizing the man who slept in her bed, or Adam sitting in the seat Billy once occupied. Even with the panic in his eyes, Lily didn't care. She didn't trust him. Never did. Never would.

—

"How can you stand it?"

Lily chuckled, bitterly. "Stand what? Stand you?" she answered. "I can't."

"Look, Lily. You can rattle off the many ways you despise me. It's a long line. Chelsea's gone. She told me she was going to use the restroom. I notice your boyfriend isn't with you anymore. I'm worried. She's the mother of my son. You're clearly pissed off. We need to find them."

"We?"

"Yes, we—"

Lily held up a hand. "Stop right there," she snapped, cutting him off. She took a beat to ask a nearby waiter for the check. The waiter complied with a short nod, and walked off. Adam blinked at her, and scoffed. "I'm not doing anything. Especially with you."

The waiter placed the check in front of her, and signed it with a stronger grip on the pen with a polite smile in place. Adam leaned back in the chair and surveyed her. Almost assessing her before he looked like he had made a judgment. "I thought you'd be different," he finally said, an assumption interwoven in the statement. She stood resolutely, pulling on her jacket. "I thought you'd be the one to get Billy out of this cycle of fixation he finds himself in. He was fixating on saving my sister…"

"Victoria's a big girl," she volleyed back with a roll of her eyes. Between nearly staging a hostile takeover, nearly laying waste to Billy's life (and by extension, hers) to swipe ChanceComm back (she was getting back what was originally the property of Newman Enterprises, she had justified with steeliness in her eyes and a satisfied smile on her glossed lips), patting Nate on the head with a cushy job at Newman Media and hosting the Halloween party to end all parties of the year.

Instagram and Twitter praised Victoria as Diana Prince's Wonder Woman. Yeah, her life was pretty damn wonderful. Lily caught a picture of Nate there as a sharply dressed 1920s mobster with Elena as a pretty flapper. The sting of that betrayal came back magnified, but she tamped it down.

"Now, he's fixated on Chelsea. It must hurt."

"I hope for Connor's sake that you find Chelsea and she's okay. But I refuse to play your games. Don't you ever tell me anything where Billy and our relationship is concerned."

—

Halloween wasn't a night of a romantic night or even the odd candy left over from trick-or-treating.

All Lily got was an apology filled with half-truths and wrapped neatly in Billy's decision to table The Chelsea Subject because she knew Billy's heart was big. Lily just wished she had it when he still had all of hers.

—

Things had been tense a week after – not tense, more defined. Clipped. She wanted to say passive-aggressive, but it wasn't fair. The timing for the little things was never right. When Billy came home earlier than her, she was at the office and came home tired. When he came home late, Lily was asleep – or faked being asleep. When their waking hours happened to overlap, talk whittled down to what takeout they were having. Thai. Chinese. A burger and fries. Where were they going out? Society? No. Glam Club. Raincheck. Ordering in? Dinner with the kids and Victoria. Oh okay. She had dinner with Elena that same week and the girls from work. They insist.

For no reason at all, Billy said something to rub her the wrong way before leaving the condo. It wasn't anything inherently wrong, but the subtext had burrowed itself deeply under her skin and she couldn't get it out. With that fruition, she was willing to have a coffee date with him and reconnect with Billy. Lay all the cards on the table and still capture what had sparked their relationship and pushed them from friends to lovers. But stepping into the coffeehouse, she saw Billy and Chelsea in a booth sharing a laugh and she snapped. It was the same way she had snapped the day Hilary died. Turning back before he could look up and see her, Lily walked back across the parking lot to her car, started it and did not move until she took a deep cleansing to clear the haze of anger in front of her.

When she was sure and calm enough to head back to work, Lily drove back to work on autopilot. She strode back in, the picture of confidence and clarity. When anyone asked where her Crimson Lights coffee was, Lily lied and said she wasn't interested in any more fall related warm beverages. Like an angel of mercy, Nadia, head of her Public Relations department met her step-for-step down the hall in her office.

Nadia embodied the blonde stereotypes but was anything but stupid and airheaded. Nadia was almost too good to be true, but she had an uncanny ability to spin public opinion to her will. It did help that Nadia had broken away from the Frazier Public Relations Dynasty started by her great-grandmother because she wanted the challenge of competing against her own family. Lily had agreed to having her on board after the whole ChanceComm fiasco, but Lily found herself having to negotiate to keep Nadia and agree to her terms: a substantial raise, an executive role in public relations with the power to hire her own staff, build her own networks and handle all publicity-related her way. Lily fought hard, pushed back and not wanting to seem scripted and inauthentic. Nadia won her over by merely stating that she needed to be reintroduced to the business world as a power player in her own right.

"Ashley Abbott over at Jabot. She has intellect. The ability to intimidate people with her brain, innovation and new ideas. Jabot thrives because of her between you and me. Ashley Abbott is a household name in scientific circles and the patent office adores her. Sara Blakely, CEO of Spanx… Victoria Newman…" Nadia's blue eyes conveyed every thought in Lily's head at that name. "I know, I know. Now, understand something. The Newman Public Relations Machine isn't one person. It's a series of strategically planted seeds that when watered by the media just…right, her reputation grows. It's a family dynasty. Each member has their niche. Nicholas with New Hope and some political leanings. Nikki with her philanthropy. Abby with Society and other hospitality ventures. I mean, even Adam is making the whole lone wolf thing work and still has his Wall Street street cred," Nadia explained, while trying to work past the incessant buzzing of Lily's cell phone. "Not only has Victoria scooped up companies and made them extremely profitable, she's diversified herself."

"How?"

Nadia asked her for a Post-It and took a pen from her desk. There was a pause before Nadia wrote down a number and was careful to mark an asterisk next to it.

"This…" Nadia spoke, as Lily read the number and counted the zeros. "That number is the approximate worth of Victoria's art collection. Hers, not the Newman Art Collection."

That number was…astronomical and far surpassed anything she thought. All that capital—

"Are you sure? Did you even verify this? There's no way that's her actual net worth."

"I'm not good at cross referencing information and getting what I want. I'm great. That is the scope of her wealth. All $35.6 billion of it."

Lily didn't care about Victoria's wallets or her bank account in and of itself. It was common knowledge that Victoria's net worth was just below 800 million. She did, however, care about the power this kind of money – approximately $35.6 billion – could afford. It had to be illegal. Right?

"Wow," she breathed. Lily leaned back in her chair, a pen in her hands. The suggestion was preposterous at the time – the suggestion that Victoria had spearheaded Jesse Gaines' disappearance – but now… She turned her eyes to Nadia, a question on her lips. "Is the other 34 point million something illegal?"

Nadia sighed, frowning. "I wish, but… no. I've verified it. It's unfortunately legal, so she can't be nailed there. Really smart investing multiple times over from adolescence. All of Ashland Locke's wealth as his widow. Her massive jewelry collection worth billions over and the rest of it? Art. These spreads across Europe. Starts in Italy, but goes into the Netherlands, France, Spain, London, with some Greek. All genuine pieces of art and the jewels are real. Victoria's too much of a purist in art to carry any fake or illegal pieces."

"Damn."

"It's like sacrilege. She has the domestic violence foundation she started with her mother named after her grandmother, The Barbara Ann Reed House and is powerful in super high society circles… She doesn't have any visible friends, but she thrives that way. Mysterious, quiet and verified on social media. Signs her social media with a V, so her followers know it's her and then there's an increase of followers and intrigue. 4.5M as of that Halloween party. She doesn't do anything. And surprise – an interview with Bloomberg as this corporate dynamo, or a surprise appearance with Reed, the burgeoning unsigned musician who does things his own way on BuzzFeed to show off her artsy, maternal side with her son."

A Mother's Day interview as they played a game centering around how well Reed and Victoria knew each other. Black markers. White cards and the warm, laughter-infused dynamic in between. The public found it endearing, but Lily ached for her own children. A surprise appearance on Hot Ones to show off her humorous side but still with an undertone of grace as she ate chicken wings and answered the questions. Lily had never Victoria this open, this light, and this…witty even under the increasing insanity of different hot sauce bottles.

"For context…" Nadia trailed off, and pulled up a twitter account ( VictoriaNewmanArt) dedicated to original watercolor paintings, charcoal sketches, portraits, landscapes and the occasional gaze into the whimsical world of a mind built like Fort Knox. Victoria was actually quite good at painting. The details of the lake were life-like and it looked like it was moving. "She makes her Ice Queen moniker work."

Lily handed Nadia's tablet back to her.

"What's the strategy?"

Nadia let a small smile shine through her serious mask.

"Use this IPO as this launching pad to reintroduce you. All of you within public reaction boundaries. Victoria Newman is mysterious and an enigma but multifaceted. Ashley Abbott was a brilliant scientist and innovative businesswoman, you're a warm businesswoman who is both powerful and honest. It's not a public relation archetype, it's true. You're classy, lead with integrity and you're forward thinking. I have a strategy in place, but you'll know more at the end of day. Have Cleo rearrange your schedule…" the blonde in the black power suit turned around to leave, her slick ponytail moving with the motion.

Nadia turned on her heel and was about to go but lingered around the door and turned back. Her lacquered dark red nails tapped a rhythm on her tablet. With a contemplative look tossed Lily's way, she caught the slight look of irritation in it with a frown on her red lips.

"The heart of public relations is perception. I will have a foolproof strategy to bolster you and this company through this IPO. Audra Charles," she shook her head. "I can't get a truthful read from her."

"You intuitively…don't like her?"

"To like her, I'd have to care about her as a human being. I don't. I care about what her presence means to this company. You know what else shapes one facet of perception? Verbiage."

Lily situated herself in her chair, the imaginary rubber bands of a tension headache tightening across her forehead. She exhaled, and rubbed her temple and grew annoyed. With herself for allowing this process to be questioned. With Devon for not understanding that this IPO was for Dominic, Charlie, Mattie, even… any children Nate had and this was a positive thing for the company in the long-term. She was angry with Billy for this heartbreak she felt, but there was a creeping exhaustion at having to run just to catch up to a moving goal post.

"The IPO is moving forward. That's clear enough. Audra's doing her job. Just like I expect you to do yours."

Lily found herself pinned by Nadia's calm but glacial glare. "Fair enough," her publicist said coolly. "You know what else I hate? The word consultant. Consultant…" Nadia said the word out loud as if to make it real, to see Lily to its letters and consultant and make the dictionary definition unfurl. A person who provides expert advice. "It's filler. What the hell is she really consulting about? Vagueness is poisonous to public relations and that hinders me from doing my job. In any case, my job is to make sure no knives are thrown at you from both the outside and the inside. Sometimes, that means finding the rot and cutting it out."

"And by speculating Audra being that rot… you'd question mine and Jill's judgment?"

Nadia softened slightly. Then there was a decisive nod and her usual resting bitch face was back.

Ah, finally. Normalcy, Lily thought, focusing on her laptop and the mountain of work she had to get through. Lily thought there might be a reprieve in deadlines. A quick moment to pull air into her lungs before she was swept away by the corporate currents again. But no.

"Billy, in all his bone-headed glory, has upset you. I'll stupidly volunteer to be your punching bag today," Nadia said after a beat had passed in the office. "Not tomorrow or any other day after that. If his lack of foresight affects my job, I'll kill him. Excuse me. I'm going to follow my gut where Audra Charles is concerned. I suggest you do the same."

Nadia turned and stalked away before Lily could protest and apologize at the same time.

Lily swore and slammed her laptop shut, her mix of emotions bubbling to the surface and unable to put them back in the mental box. It was time to face the fact that she wasn't good at compartmentalizing and had developed a habit for compromising. Her mother – her indomitable, no-holds-barred, take-no-bullshit mother – would have been so ashamed of her.

"Shit!"

—

"You've been avoiding me all day."

"I have work."

"I'm sorry about our coffee date. Chelsea told me she saw you. Why didn't you come over?"

Lily laughed or else she would scream or cry. She couldn't exactly unravel when she was working on things due a month from now while using her planner to make shorthand notes of what calls, what meetings, this business trip and a video chat with Charlie and Mattie. She allowed herself to smile at the idea of seeing Hamilton for the seventh time with Charlie on Broadway, and having a beach-filled mother-daughter day with Mattie. She could spend a few moments of motherly bliss and allowed herself to breathe.

"You two looked cozy. I didn't want to interrupt."

"You could have come over, Lily," he repeated.

Lily paused, taking the time to push the sharp retorts percolating in her brain, and replaced them with logical yet firm replacements. "No, I shouldn't have. I don't know what's going on with you these days. Something happened on Halloween and things haven't been the same."

"Lily–"

"I'm not done, Billy," she pressed on, unwilling to budge or compromise anymore. "Chelsea has been going through her issues since the podcast ended. She kissed you in our home and I said nothing because I'm very secure in our relationship. Chelsea sprung this thing with Johnny on both you and Victoria. As your partner, I've offered to help. You told me you were feeling distant. You made this coffee date. I shouldn't have to wait for Chelsea to be the gracious one when that was our time."

"I guess, I'll have to stay away from her then."

"That's not what I'm saying, and you know it. Cut the sarcasm."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm…" Lily tried again, successfully keeping her line of speech straight. There had to be boundaries, not for him. Not even for their relationship because God forbid she branded controlling and insecure. Lily needed these boundaries for herself as a measure of what she would allow herself to endure. "I'm saying that I miss you. I miss us and hate that someone as simple as a coffee date disappeared. Help Chelsea. Tell me… don't tell me. Hold her hand…" she paused, willing the tears away. "Just look back and understand that I miss when we used to hold hands, Billy."

Lily straightened up when Cleo walked into her office. Foolishly, she tried to hide it.

That's why Cleo was her new COO.

She discreetly sniffled and wiped at her tears without ruining her makeup. Lily did have a photoshoot later and an interview with the Wall Street Journal, profiling the top 30 Women In Business in 2022.

11.

She didn't care about the number or her placement. Lily really didn't care that she hadn't cracked the top 10 this year when Ashley, Abby, and Victoria had. It was all so trivial in the end, but Nadia had given Lily a distraction, and for that, she was immensely grateful.

"Billy, I have to go," she stated, the catch in her throat becoming nearly impossible.

A beat passed and then another. "Lily, can we talk about this? I'm not going to feel better until we sit down and have a conversation about this."

"Just tell me what happened on Halloween."

"I'm sorry… It's not my story to tell, Lily."

"Okay…" Lily said, shrugging with a wan smile on her face. Her eyes grew misty with tears, pooling in her eyes and she cursed herself for it. Cleo, seven months pregnant, slid herself in the chair across from here, with an empathetic look on her face. "I'll be home late. Come home whenever. I'm not angry with you. Just busy."

Billy told her he loved her and had to catch up with Jack. That was good. Maybe his brother would do a better job of unraveling this mystery than her. It was no different than Lily using Devon as her sounding board and she would do the same.

"I love you. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. I know."

Lily hung up quickly and turned to Cleo, asking how she was doing in the new position and if she needed anything before her maternity leave in a month. Perhaps, the new infrastructure to work remotely, accommodations before, during and after… Cleo stood up, eggplant-coloured maternity wrap dress, fitting her nicely. Good, Lily thought. One of her baby shower gifts was serving a purpose. Lily insisted Cleo not work and enjoy being a new mommy, but Cleo argued she wanted to be both. She could be both and Henry was looking forward to not working as much, and settling into being a new dad.

"Uh-uh. No tears. None of that," Cleo reached over, pulling out two tissues and then over. Lily smiled gratefully, said thank you and gently wiped at her water line. Her eyeliner smudged just a little enough to not be noticeable. Cleo still reached over and held her hand. It was radiating warmth, and with those braids in a high bun, Lily was reminded of a glorious crown. "Listen to me right now. You're going to email whatever you have to do to me, and I'll handle it. Then you're going to that photo shoot and kill it. You're going to fucking pick your head up, shoulders back and show the world why you're running this place."

Cleo stood and so did she, feeling empowered. Still sad, but more empowered.

"Besides," Cleo's own eyes began to fill with tears and she beamed. These were happy, hormonal tears. "I'm not okay with my little girl's godmother being sad."

Wait. Little girl? Godmother.

"Wait, what? A girl? And you want me to be the godmother?"

"Well, yeah. Henry and I decided it had to be you. I mean, if you hadn't gotten out of the house for that mixer… I wouldn't have met the love of my life," Cleo smiled down at her baby bump and cradled it with both hands. "I wouldn't have this baby. You did that for me. Someone wanted to say hello to her Aunty Lily. Here…"

Lily let Cleo take her hand, and place it at the top of her abdomen and to the left before a little foot kicked her palm. Then, after a moment, the baby kicked at her hand again. One of the saddest things Lily admitted was she would never know what it was like to feel her children growing inside of her. She never knew what it would be like to experience morning sickness, feel cravings for the oddest of foods. Lily would have liked to even feel the pain of childbirth from contractions of pushing new life into the world. She would always be grateful to Mac for allowing her to experience it vicariously, and would always love Cane because he did make her the mother of the two greatest miracles of her life.

"Oh my gosh…" Lily said more to herself, marveling in the wonders of life. Removing her hand, she opened her arms for a hug and Cleo met her. "I'd be honoured. Thank you."

Cleo hugged as tightly as her pregnant body would allow, and promptly ordered her to get to that photoshoot. As Lily got ready to go, she jokingly wondered what monster she had created. Here was the silver lining: Lily did find herself laughing.

The most important thing is that Jill admitted Cleo Stevenson was a good choice and saw what Lily had.

At least, Lily thought as she walked to her parking spot, Cleo's promotion was a professional win.

–-

The photoshoot today was familiar, creative, freeing.

Lily had remembered why she loved photography. While her mother taught her how to model in front of it, Uncle Malcolm taught about being behind it.

While she loved learning the ins and outs of a high-powered camera, Lily found the simplicity of a polaroid charming. The photoshoot was amazing, and allowed her to get out of her own head for a few hours. The interview was free flowing and a fun conversation. Then it was all over and reality hit. Her drive home was quiet. She didn't remember most of it. The Genoa City roads all looked the same, all felt the same driving through the freeways and side streets with all its twists and literal turns, and the world outside blurred.

Her heels against the linoleum tiles of the condo lobby sounded louder than usual. Lily felt exhaustion in her bones as the elevator door dinged and opened at the same time. When turned the corner and got closer to her apartment door, she found Audrey. Audrey, a ginger cat with white paws that looked like mittens, meowed and trotted up to her. The cat was a nomadic cat. The entire 5th floor knew but the cat seemed to find her apartment more. Audrey wasn't her cat. It seemed like she was the condo cat, but selfishly, Lily pretended. Audrey had her place by the top of the staircase before she gracefully jumped down to the landing. Lily always got nervous when she did it even though she knew she'd land.

Lily could hear Billy's laugh and amusement at Audrey's daredevil antics as he gave her scratches behind the ear and she curled up in his lap. Audrey was a loving cat who liked to play, snuggle and was her little shadow. She didn't mind it. Of course not. Lily found herself stopping by pet stores, buying Audrey a cat toy or two. Nobody really said it out loud, but it was an unspoken agreement that Audrey had a space in the apartment and was free to roam.

Lily crouched down in her heels, beaming. She gently stroked Audrey's back as the feline walked around her and let out a soft meow. "Hey," Lily said, softly and scratched behind the feline's ear. "What adventures did you have tonight, Audrey?" she asked and picked the cat up, not caring about the cat hair on her clothes but gratitude for this beautiful cat's timing. "Let's get you out of the hallway."

A sadness thought struck her as Lily managed to hold on to Audrey and get her house keys through the lock at the same time. She was good at that. Juggling heavy things. Dealing with multiple conflicting things up in the air, driven by the resolution to not drop anything.

She managed to get the apartment door open—the one Billy had carried her through—and stepped into the living room. The same living room brimming with all of the ways it could be decorated into home. Home. Lily set Audrey down and left the cat to roam as she usually did. Jumping onto the counter and nuzzling her face into Billy's before he kissed her head, and then Lily's mouth. Audrey perfectly balanced on the bathroom counter with the double sink, swatting at the steady stream of water with a paw as Lily brushed her teeth. The kids were amused by her when they came over. Her intently watching Johnny when he played his video games or did his homework. Katie bringing a cat toy and being enamoured by this ginger fluff of sweetness, tranquility with the occasional high energy. Maybe Beau and Audrey will be best friends. Beau gets in trouble but he's shy. He needs a cat friend, Katie theorized with a beaming smile on her face as she dangled the belt of her plush robe. Audrey pawed at it lying on her back.

Ah, Lily recalled. After years of debating if a pet was needed. Billy and Victoria finally decided. Victoria had adopted a male tuxedo cat and a female husky named Athena came with him. Graceful, dainty, a fast runner with the same temperament as her owner. Athena was a canine version of Victoria. She'd met Athena once. Some days, she looked like a dog. Other times, Lily thought she was a wild wolf mistakenly marked as a domesticated dog. She was walking through Chancellor Park on one of her Cleo-mandated breaks when Nick appeared, Athena on a leash. Nick was one of the good guys and looked like he had his own thoughts to clear and make sense of. He had been the one walking her as a favour to his sister to get away from his sister. Lily bit her tongue, resisting the impulse to say something shady but Nick was perceptive and shrugged, merely saying his sister was complicated and an acquired taste.

Nick beamed at her and told her it was okay to pet the husky. She's a good girl. I promise. Athena's in a good mood because it's cold. Athena had fixed those blue eyes on her. Lily held her breath, unsure and then stretched out her hand for the dog to sniff. A few seconds passed, and the dog licked her fingers, barked a hello and sat on her haunches. With Nick's assurance that she was friendly, Lily scratched behind the large husky's ear and the result was a wagging tail and panting. Happy dog. Athena, give Lily some paw.

Lily was rewarded with Athena's paw in her hand, and Nick gave the husky a treat and called her a good girl.

Nick wished her a good day, reassured her that whatever it was would figure itself out and to continue leading Chancellor-Winters with integrity. I'm rooting for you, Lily. He walked off in the direction of the new dog park until he turned a corner and was gone.

—

Lily had never interacted with huskies before. She only knew that on the occasions he went to drop the kids off at Victoria's house, Billy came home with dog hair clinging to his clothing with stories of drawn out games of Fetch.

There was the time Billy came home slightly damp because Athena loved him, but hated baths and howled loud enough in protest. According to Billy anyway.

She hoped cats would be different. Lily closed the door behind her, let out an exhale of relief when she took her heels off and her bare feet touched the carpet. She watched Audrey stretch out and yawn. Her paws came forward, her claws visible before they retracted. The cat settled into a peaceful seating position, and her large amber eyes slowly blinked at her. That's how cats tell they love you, she remembered Katie saying and then the little girl burst into a soft rendition of Moon River as Breakfast at Tiffany's played on the screen.

Often, she'd seen this cat travel up and down the floor, in the elevator, in and out of the apartments of neighbours who cared for her and her well-being. Where Audrey had been, what she had seen… it didn't matter. Lily believed that this poor cat was just tired from moving, and never being still. Audrey must have had people to love her, a family, a safe place to rest, a place to fall when Audrey jumped and didn't land as gracefully one day.

She heard the sound of the purring. Happy cat. Safe cat. Peaceful cat.

She had broached the idea of adding a furry friend to their warm home, but like most things, it had fallen by the wayside. A lot of what was important had fallen into a maybe pile only she could see growing.

Lily smiled softly at Audrey after taking a glance at the front door, hoping to hear the distant jingling of Billy's keys. No. Nothing. Just more continued silence.

"Looks like it's just the two of us."

Audrey blinked slowly at her. I love you.

More purring. Her paws making biscuits on the couch content. Thank you. I love it here. Lily knelt and pet Audrey, feeling comfort in the softness and the presence of another living thing she had come to love.

—

The last pet she had in her life was Humphrey, her teacup Yorkie with Cane. He was her child when Charlie and Mattie were just dreams and her cancer was a battle to fight on her path to motherhood. He had been loved, grew up with the twins until he got sick with his own cancer. She had watched his little body racked with illness, and she didn't need to know the name of the medicine to understand he was suffering. Lily had volunteered to stay in the room to be with Humphrey in his last moments. Three days later, Hilary had said something to her. It had rubbed her in the wrong way, but this was something that cut her to the core. She had felt like a stick of dynamite that particular morning, and whatever Hilary screamed back at her lit her fuse. Humphrey's passing, this new argument with Hilary that pushed Lily to her absolute limits and a split second. There was screaming. The crunching and twisting of metal. A wrinkle in time that had her thrown into unfamiliar waters that drowned her. When she resurfaced, nothing was ever the same or normal.

Or, whatever normal was for her. What wasn't normal was Lily to still be haunted by the specter of Chelsea Lawson and for her own boyfriend to be her saviour, set in his mission to cast her demons when Chelsea didn't know what they were. Billy didn't have the expertise to fight them and keep his own at bay at the same time, especially when they made him toss and turn in bed.

Pressing a kiss to a sleeping Audrey's head, Lily stood from her position on the floor. Spotting the flowery and glittery phone case of her iPhone 14 Plus, she tapped the screen.

She went into her contacts, scrolling past names of family, friends, and her business contacts at a dizzying speed. Lily tapped the number of the condo manager. A short woman with brown eyes hidden behind bright red frames. Helen had alopecia, first discovered as a teenager, so she had wigs. Her hairstyles changed but her dry humour but matter-of-fact demeanour remained. She lived on the lobby floor, next to the leasing office. Lily discovered she was better with faces than names and attached them to apartment numbers.

It rang three times before Helen answered with a gravelly voice from years of smoking. Helen told her she was actively trying to quit for her grandchildren's sake. Well, her ex-grandchildren. She cursed Rodney a lot and Lily never wanted to be that angry and bitter even though it was justified. It was nice that she saw her step grandchildren as part of her family all the same.

"Hey Helen. It's Lily Winters. Apartment 504."

A beat passed until she heard a response. "Oh! 504! Lily Winters and Billy Abbott. What's up?"

"I hope I didn't wake you up."

Helen replied, "'Course not," she muttered, under her breath. "I have my cigarette cravings doin' that just fine. Now," she cleared her throat, "what do you need?"

"It's…Audrey. The ginger cat on our floor…" Lily took a deep breath, strengthening her resolve. She could slowly herself starting to be extricated from Billy's world when she used to be a part of it. Lily could feel the widening of this bottomless chasm. As she told Devon, she wasn't done giving up and fighting for them but it was maddening watching Billy support Chelsea, through no fault of her own (there she went, extending more grace), and left hoping Billy understood her simmering discontent. If Billy was going to keep allowing this to continue, Lily was allowed to start her own path. Right now, her path was being a mom again.

Only this time, her child was furry, four-legged and was a snuggler.

She made her voice steady, clear. "I know the property developers have been giving you a hard time with her," she continued on, eliciting an annoyed sound of agreement from Helen. "You don't have to deal with her being caught and taken to a strange place. The other tenants can stop taking care of her. I want her."

Instead of Helen's quick yes, Lily heard Helen's laugh. It sounded a long cackle but Lily could also hear the undertone of…relief.

"Oh, thank God," Helen replied, sounding breathy with relief. She sniffled. "I was gettin' tired of catching the poor thing curled up in the laundry room corner, and I wouldn't have thrown her into the street when she isn't microchipped. And a rescue," Helen made an annoyed sound, "was out of the question. You've saved me a lot of tuna cans."

Lily heard the amusement in the woman's voice, a touching of knowing and Lily could see the twinkle in her eye. "Audrey, huh?"

Lily nodded, sure. In her gut, this felt right.

"Yeah. My cat, Audrey."

—

Helen wished her a goodnight, and Lily did the same before hanging up her phone and put it in Do Not Disturb mode. No one was going to call or text her tonight. She could have gone directly to sleep – and wanted to. Lily stood and stretched her arms over her head. She didn't know how she managed to shower, brush her teeth, wind down by practicing her skin care routine before she came back downstairs in her favourite peach coloured fleece pajamas, her laptop in tow. It was especially chilly for the beginning of November but the cold re-energized her. Lily padded over to the kitchen, and reached for the Crimson Lights canister of her french vanilla coffee. Like clockwork, Lily moved around the kitchen until the coffee grounds were brewing and the coffee became a steady stream in her mug.

When the coffee had finished brewing, Lily carried her mug of coffee, blew on the top and took a careful sip. She never understood people who took their coffee just black. Dad always took his coffee with two splashes of cream and two cubes of sugar. Call it magic. Call it communing with ghosts on The Other Side. Call it a seance (even though she knows nothing about that sort of thing). Tonight, Lily felt her dad.

In true Neil Ellis Winters fashion, Lily made her coffee the way he did his: two creams, two sugars.

She stirred with a teaspoon and watched the liquid from black to warm oak and took a sip. It tasted and felt like one of her father's warm hugs. Walking over to the table, Lily took another sip of the warm coffee and walked over to the table, and prepared herself to work.

—

Lily had planned to work. Planned.

What had happened was Audrey seemingly wide awake and deciding to meow loudly and bump her little head against Lily's ankle. Audrey stretched out on her hind legs, paw on Lily's lap before she gave up and pulled the cat onto her lap. Preparing for her meetings became an exercise in ordering feline related things online. A cat tree, cat toys, a bag of healthy cat food and a new collar to compliment the orange fur and her beautiful, curious eyes. Lily turned and found a clear wall for some shelves that Audrey might appreciate in getting her energy out. She even thought of a cute hammock that could be placed by a window so Audrey could watch the world play out as she saw fit in that feline headspace of hers.

"You're never going to let me work tonight," she questioned and laughed, quietly. "No? Fine. You win."

Audrey batted at her black pen between her paws until it rolled off the table and landed with a loud clatter. Lily held Audrey close to her and pressed a kiss to her little head. Then several as Audrey rubbed her little face against Lily's cheek.

Lily covered a yawn with her free hand and she couldn't help but laugh quietly at Audrey's sneeze. Lily had enough energy to wash the coffee cup, wipe down the counter. She set Audrey down, letting the newest occupant of the condo roam. A warm blanket. The couch, and an old movie would be fine.

Her eyes were heavy with sleep and the argument that had annoyed her became disjointed before evaporating into the mist of yesterday. Letting a movie play from Turner Classic Movies, Lily loved snuggling with Audrey but wished it was Billy instead.

—

Billy understood why he was usually the one to cause chaos instead of managing it. He didn't mean to anger Victoria, make Lily feel like she was less than, or make Johnny feel like he couldn't manage this. On the contrary, he was trying to make Victoria see that it was a shitty situation but things would sort themselves out. Johnny was a smart kid and with his close relationship with Connor, Billy had hope that these kids weren't going to be like their parents. It took a while for Katie to understand it because she was only nine-years-old and he didn't want to burden his daughter with the complexities of it. What happened in Myanmar even though he remembered nothing, the pain Victoria carried because she couldn't carry a child and how they all knew this was coming eventually. Katie came to understand that Johnny was still her big brother with the same parents, Connor was still her cousin and nothing changed, but now, to think of Chelsea as a cool aunt or a new friend. Katie merely paused and then looked between Victoria and him and sighed, making a decision.

Chelsea was my aunt because she married Uncle Adam, Daddy. Families are different and as long as Johnny and Mommy aren't hurt, I'm okay. Can I go play chess with Grandpa on the computer now?

Billy had stuck around to say goodbye and goodnight to his children. Not that they needed bedtime stories as much as they did. Athena enthusiastically licked his face as he was getting ready to go, and Beau hung lazily from the newly installed cat shelves on the wall. Victoria wished him goodnight and respectfully he did the same. He saw a new prescription of her anti-anxiety medication and happened to come across a newly purchased carton of Newports in the desk drawer. She had started up again since Ashland and didn't do it compulsively – only when the kids weren't home and needed to be alone. As for the anti-anxiety medication, she always had them but was a private person. The only person I have looking out for my mental health is me. I have to be there for the kids so I don't have time to be out of commission. I'm fine. Go home. Billy figured the letter from Brittany Hodges' law firm had something to do with JT but he knew better than to ask, and Reed never called him these days. Or, much at all.

Victoria thanked him for hanging out with the kids, hanging out with Athena and helping Beau get used to his new shelves while apologizing for the claw marks during the cat's bath. He told her it was fine, and he'd live. They were only surface wounds and Beau didn't mean it. He was just stubborn and still getting used to having a home and stability. At least, Beau flopping down on his back and welcoming a belly rub was something. It beat hiding under the kitchen table and Katie being the Beau Whisperer. Victoria let a small smile touch her lips and looked him in the eye. Beau's a good, sweet cat. Just mischievous. Billy agreed, feeling that he'd overstayed his welcome. He could figure out the logistics of Katie's birthday party later. It was her birthday too, but Victoria waved him off. Finally, Billy walked out into the fall weather. He walked out of Victoria's house, both familiar and strange, onto the driveway and got into his car. Before he left, called Lily again. Three rings. Four, and then her voicemail.

He wanted to use this coffee date to tell Lily everything. The way Chelsea seemed to unravel because he had gone through the same thing. The heavy weight of anxiety, the voices in his head that still called him a chronic fuck up who didn't deserve anything beautiful because all he could really do was destroy. Billy wanted to tell Lily about the way he'd startle out of bed because every so often, as his darkness liked to remind him, that any moment, he could be cracked right down the middle again. Billy had tried mindfulness, the meditation, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, the journaling where his writing was as messy as his headspace and all he got was a messy pen smudge along the side of his left hand. He didn't want to leave Chancellor-Winters out of respect for his mother, but Billy was still searching for something he was passionate about. Of course, he was an adult and it must have been grating to others, but he never wanted to look out and waste his life doing something he resented. Billy wanted to die – whether it was tomorrow or decades from now – with the knowledge that he had done something meaningful even though it was detrimental and knew it was.

Standing on that roof was another gamble he had taken. It wasn't a hand of Texas Hold 'Em, but a game of Russian Roulette where the barrel of the gun pointed nowhere but him. The roof was his place to scream and yell until his stress was carried away by the wind to oblivion. Here he was standing on the ledge this time, risking his life to save someone else. One wrong step and he was dead. One error in maintaining his balance and his heart, currently in his throat, would stop. He was still not ready to face his mortality, never updated his will, and didn't know if he wanted to be buried or cremated. If anything ever happened to him, he legally named Jack as Johnny and Katie's legal guardian just as Victoria had named Nick theirs. If he was to be buried, where would his earthly remains go? Would he be buried near Delia, a stone's throw away from Cece or be in the presence of his father? Would he be buried in the newly constructed Abbott burial ground beyond the white gazebo near the quiet lake where Dina rested and Dad was to be moved later in the year? Keenly aware of Lily alone while making sure Chelsea wasn't, Billy stood on that ledge talking Chelsea down, tears streaming down his face. He knew what it was like to question his place in the world, whether he had wanted to even exist and how it would have been freeing to just let go.

But he did have space to carve out his path. The world was big enough. His family did support and love him (damn, he made it difficult at times), his children added colour to his sometimes greyscale outlook, and in Lily, he had found peace and home.

God, he loved her –

You're a good man, Billy Abbott. Tell Connor I slipped.

NO.

He had saved Chelsea. He had saved Connor from the loss of a mother. He had saved Johnny from the burden of misguided sense of guilt that was sure to plague every aspect of his life forever. And maybe, Billy had made progress in mending the part of his heart that would have a Delia-sized hole in it even though it would never mend. In his mind, Billy had saved Delia by getting her to the hospital in time and never leaving her. He had saved Colleen from drowning. He had washed Victoria's blood from his hands as it seeped through her white dress and between his fingers. He prevented Lily from looking at him, while dressed in prison blues, with resignation and heartbreak as he had informed her of Cane and Victoria's entanglement.

He had taken a detour, but he needed to make sure Chelsea was okay. It was better than dealing with his disrupted mental space. Chelsea had given him permission to tell Lily, actually insisted on it, because she didn't want to start her recovery with shame and secrets. It wasn't like he wanted to not tell Lily what had happened on that roof. She was getting frustrated, short with him and it made his chest ache when she cried and pretended she hadn't. Billy knew she would understand, certain that she would understand what drove him to help someone else, especially in crisis. It wasn't Chelsea's sense of shame and marvelling at what she had nearly done keeping him from saying anything. It was the fact that, in the chaos, and seeing the Genoa City freeways moving, Billy found himself staring into that bottomless abyss.

Billy had felt a chill across the back of his neck that had nothing to do with the cool weather of that night and the return of one voice: cool, calm, and collected above the rest. He had sworn off spearmint gum and never told anyone the reason.

You saved Chelsea. Who will save you when Lily gives up on you like Victoria did?

Driving aimlessly around Genoa City to sort out his own mind and give Lily space, he felt itchy in his skin and his palm sweat in the white-knuckled grasp he had on his steering wheel.

His phone connected to his car's phone system called Jack when he instructed it to.

On the second ring, Jack picked up and Billy was relieved someone answered his phone calls.

"Hey, Billy."

"Jack, hey… Can we hang out tonight?"

He heard his brother pause, and then sighed as if he had his own stuff to work through. "Of course," he agreed. "Come by Jabot. It's pretty quiet over here," Jack said, sounding happy and even apologetic. "Billy, I'm sorry we haven't talked as much as brothers should."

Billy made a left turn in the middle of an intersection and couldn't help but smile as he stopped at a red light.

He felt Jack's absence and decided it was better than his big brother's judgment. He felt bad for not spending as time with Traci as he could have. Traci spent more time with Katie than he did, and he managed to have drinks with Ashley too, but he and his sister were two ships that passed each other in the same body of water. As much as he loved working at Chancellor-Winters and with Lily, he never quite liked the corporate world and he never quite fit in the family atmosphere of it all. Lily, Nate and Devon were all family and while he was not going to work at Jabot, he missed his family.

To carry the last name Abbott and be disconnected from the same people with the same name was like walking around with a phantom limb. To feel Lily pulling away from him and watch their relationship slowly disintegrating felt like being pushed back into that dark, bottomless place. He needed her.

"Yeah, me too."

—

While at Jabot, Jack listened and so did he.

Billy did know about Jeremy Stark – he did have friends over at the Chicago Tribune.

Of course, Phyllis had summoned the notorious money launderer over here to make a point. He was in no position to judge her. He was just as impulsive and well, it was just Phyllis being Phyllis. He told Phyllis that Jeremy Stark was a nasty piece of work according to his knowledge. A career criminal that would put Bernie Madoff to shame. He asked Jack how he could help Jack fight this guy and how he could protect his children if he was going to launch an attack on all Abbotts. Jack merely told him he had it under control but thanked him for wanting to jump in. Dad would love that you wanted to jump into the fray, but you have a lot going on. Tucker McCall wanted Jabot for himself only to present it as a gift to their sister. In turn, Billy told him about Victoria's attempt to take over Chancellor-Winters and add it to yet another Newman conquest.

Jack stared at him in disbelief and then noted that she had been hardened since Ashland and she was Victor's daughter. But thank goodness, she had abandoned that plan.

The subject flipped over to Lily and Billy found himself spilling everything. How he felt leaving Chancellor-Winters. How he let go of The Grinning Soul because Billy realized it was a vanity project rather than something to help people out. How he had been thrown into having to tell Johnny about Chelsea. How he had Victoria's anger on his left and Chelsea's desperation to get to know him on his right. Victoria had started smoking again after years of being nicotine free and Chelsea had unravelled really badly – he left out the attempted suicide and the slight dent to his own mental health – and he didn't quite know how to navigate this. How the hell was he going to explain this to Lily when he didn't know what he was doing himself?

Billy leaned back on the couch, glancing down for a moment. When he met Jack's blue-eyed gaze, there was a question in them before he vocalized it.

"Do you see your relationship with Lily going far?"

He saw it going the distance. He saw the way Johnny found it easy to talk to her and encouraged his son to drum at Chancellor-Winters (he was good at it). Lily easily had conversations with Johnny about the upsides and downsides of being a teenager without stepping on Victoria's toes. In fact, Victoria grew used to it and understood that kids were better receptive to advice and ideas that weren't from a direct relative. He saw it in the way Lily and Katie bonded over their shared love of dance and how Lily taught Katie how to properly tie her ballet slippers. The way Lily could indulge Katie's mind as it worked a mile a minute, helped his daughter run her line for that play even though she was exhausted. She took a few minutes to help Katie put together an outfit for school, allowing Katie to be creative. In the past, marriage was the product of young, enduring love he wanted to seal forever. It was the way he could give his newborn daughter a home, stability and two parents or it was a moment of crashing a stranger's reception on a Jamaican beach, drunk on rum cake. Or, it was a 1950s picture of technicolour happiness on a sunny September day in 2010 or the Christmas his bride walked down the aisle in a bright red dress with promises of forever and kismet. The last time he had been married, Billy wasn't really married – just committed – and in months, it was…just over quicker than he could say Father's Knows Best.

With Lily, he didn't know. Marriage was in the back of his mind. He had thought about the kind of engagement ring he'd get her, even though of designing one for her from the long-time Abbott jeweler. He even thought of casually mentioning it to Sharon because she had been willed some of Drucilla's jewelry. Then again, things were perfect. They were great. A tux, white dress with all the people who loved them, or a quick trip to city hall with the two of them and strangers for witnesses… it didn't matter.

"I see marriage, Jack," Billy said, truthfully and out loud. "That's where I see it."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"I feel like there's a but coming…"

"I made mistakes in each of my marriages. Mac, Chloe, Victoria… I feel like if I show up with an engagement ring, and I propose, it won't be healthy. At least not right now. I can see her in the dress, see us on the honeymoon. I know I'd look her in the eye and say vows I mean with everything in me. But it's after marriage that scares the shit out of me. I can't start another marriage with underlying problems that will fester and have us resent each other. I can't go through life ignoring what's there and it's growing. I… I want to be there for Chelsea. I understand Victoria and I get why she's so protective why this is so hard. She's even starting smoking again, Jack. I promised Johnny he could make his own choices," he shook his head. "Without meaning to, Chelsea's becoming this source of tension. I'm losing Lily and I'm scared. I don't know what to do without making it worse."

"Then ask yourself. Are you ready to let go of her?"

"Not even close."

"Then go home to her, Billy," Jack urged, with encouragement in his tone and no trace of judgement in his eyes. Billy was almost reminded of Dad the more he looked at his brother. "Remember what Dad's favourite poem is? The one he used to recite to us?"

Billy did remember. The one poem their father shaped his, and by extension their lives by. The one poem that became their family motto. It was the poem Katie was learning to recite by heart and the poem that allowed Johnny to navigate this Chelsea situation easier than the adults around him. He stood and Jack did the same, clapping a hand firmly on his shoulder.

"It matters not how strait the gate / How charged the punishments the scroll…"

Billy picked it up, recited the last two lines effortlessly and felt his father's presence.

"I am the master of my fate / I am the captain of my soul."

—

He was in control of what happened next. The master of his fate, the writer of this life story of his.

Maybe one day when he was ready, Billy would fill in the spot Traci left for him in the Abbott Family Bible. He managed to look at one time as she explained, the natural storyteller that Traci was. An array of characters carried the name Abbott over the centuries, starting with a family of nine nestled in a small village in Dublin in the 15th century.

Through the magic of , he had more Abbott relatives still in Dublin and others who branched out. His second cousin, Bobby (named after his grandfather, Robert) who ran a successful global brewery and had five children. Dr. Niamh Abbott, a therapist born in Ireland, and lived in the English countryside, among others who weren't coming to him partly because this Abbott family tree was so damn wide.

A lawyer named Sean – although he had been named Siobhan at birth – who worked closely with the SEC and the FBI to monitor white collar crime. His most geographically close relative. Mary Abbott, a highly sought lucrative private investigator born in Spain, went to a boarding school in France, spent the better part of her life in London long enough to develop an accent, but she was never in one place. Billy would admit she was his favourite Abbott but could never get a hold of her. When he had, it was a surprise, and sometimes, he liked to chase her.

—

The last time Mary had arrived in Genoa City, she had scared Traci by climbing through one of the windows in an upstairs bathroom. The fear that the house had an intruder melted into exasperation at Mary sliding down the long winding banister and landing solidly on the living floor. Her light brown curls fell around her round and as always, her green eyes sparkled with both joy, mischief and the satisfaction that she had managed to scare the shit out of them. It was one of those rare moments when all Abbotts had dinner at the famed Abbott table. Billy felt like this was Dad's doing. The one day where they all happened to congregate at the family house with no reason to leave.

She shrugged at the exasperated, and surprised looks thrown her way before Traci – ever the living, breathing embodiment of sunshine – beamed at her and gave her a warm hug.

"Mary. Lovely of you to… quite literally drop by."

"Hey, Traci." Mary smiled and hugged back. After all, not getting one of those Traci Abbott hugs – Billy needed one of those soon – was like kicking a newborn puppy in the face. "Come visit the other Abbott homestead in Dublin, yeah? Bobby wants to have a family reunion this summer," she said, and kept her arm around Traci, Mary being much taller. "He says family reunion, but I think he just wants to get the whole lot drunk."

She went through greeting Jack, Ashley, Summer, Kyle, welcoming both Allie and Harrison (making sure to extend the same to Zippy the Fox) to the family, indulging Katie's curiosity about her…adventures, fist bumping Johnny before the kids were called to the kitchen. Mary kissed Lily twice on each cheek and they hugged, making him smile.

Mary made a show of forgetting him but she really didn't.

She narrowed her eyes in playful inquisitiveness. "Do… do I know you?"

"Oh, it's almost as if you hit your head a bit too hard. You're losing your touch, Mary."

Mary frowned, but Billy saw the smile on her face. She punched his arm. "Do one. That's for insulting my craft." He rubbed his bicep, swearing under his breath and then Mary gave him one of the warmest, kindest hugs he had ever received. "You alright?" she asked so quietly he almost never heard it. But he did. Billy nodded and pulled away, looking his cousin in the face. Her eyes were soft and the coolest thing about her was her freckles, sure, but her ability to cut through the bullshit roughly and then make it better with a drink.

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Good," Mary said, and snuck a discreet look at Lily. She was laughing as she helped Ms. Martinez with the dinner and the effortless way she fit into the Abbotts. Conversation, laughter, trading memories of the past and conversations about stupid things that meant everything in that moment.

It seemed fitting. Something mandated by the history of this house where Mamie, her great-aunt, was his father's greatest confidant, his mother's adversary and one of the best people to care for him as a baby. He didn't remember it but Dad told him Mamie sang beautifully and he'd sleep every time to her lullabies.

"Lily loves you."

"Yeah. I know."

Mary turned those bright green eyes on him and nudged him. "Whatever shite you got going up there, sort it," she added, with a soft smile. She glanced around the house as if seeing it for the first time. "You're luckier than I am, Billy. Wonderful family, great kids, and a girlfriend who finds you a halfway decent bloke."

"Halfway?"

Mary shrugged, waving her hand in a so-so motion. "Eh, I'm your family. I have license to…as you Yanks say, bust your chops. I'm going to see if I can nick one of those cookies from Ms. Martinez."

"After scaring the shit out of her?"

"I got here without anyone expecting it, didn't I? Watch and learn, William. Watch and learn…" she smirked before Mary sauntered into the dining room. "Okay! Who wants to hear about the origins of my newest scar when I was in Prague?" Mary proclaimed, interest in the room piqued. The kids cheered, Johnny called her cool and the other adults were genuinely interested.

Billy stood in the room, shaking his head before he walked in. Lily met him with a kiss when he walked in and took his seat before her and Ashley on his other side. Of course, Mary left out the not-so-kid friendly parts and embellished the parts of the story that fed a child's imagination.

"No way you jumped between cars in a moving train!" Johnny exclaimed, suspending his belief.

"Swear. I did!" Molly pointed to a long scar in the final stages of healing. Pink and jagged in her skin. "That's where I got this. Caught the end of a spork while fighting off the really bad people who create the monsters that exist under children's beds…" she trailed off.

Billy watched Harrison's eyes go wide with child-like wonder and admiration, a tiny gasp escaping his lips.

"Did you…win?"

Mary glanced at Kyle, and looked at Harrison.

"Does your daddy have to check under your bed more or less?"

Harrison paused, thinking before he answered it with a proud but shy smile. For a 4-year-old, anyway.

"Daddy checks less now."

Mary winked, "Exactly, Harrison… Now, the train is moving on these rough tracks…" she continued, but Billy had checked out. Ashley sipped at her wine with a laugh and joked that there was another storyteller in the family. Katie piped up, declaring she would play Mary in a movie when she grew up and made the whole table into laughter. It was funny because it was true. His girl was a ham, he thought with fatherly pride. But Katie was a talented ham who treated acting as a craft more than a hobby.

As Mary continued her tale of half-truths, Billy knew she meant getting caught up in a knife fight with Czech arms dealers on a moving train moving eastward into the Polish countryside. Mary never quite opened up about the nature of her work - partly for her sanity and she admitted, for the family's safety. It didn't mean his investigative curiosity quieted down and his inner adrenaline junkie didn't envy the danger Mary's life came with. He had children, but Billy couldn't help it.

Mary was right.

He was a lucky man, and let Lily know by pulling her and pressing a kiss to the side of her head. Billy caught her signature scent of floral jasmine. Whether it was her perfume or her natural scent, he didn't know. He just knew he didn't want to forget it. It was one of his favourite scents in the world.

—

As he stood in the Jabot elevator carrying him to the parking garage, Billy was the writer of his story even though all of these people intertwined in between the sentences. Of course, he was the captain of his soul and could steer the ship wherever he wanted. Sometimes, the sea was peaceful, and other times, it was choppy and pulled him toward jagged rocks. Either way, Billy wanted to look up in the expanse of the sky and find the Northern Star as bright as Lily's smile to guide him home.

Whether he sailed smoothly or swam in rough seas until his legs burned, Billy prayed Lily would wait for him.

—

Lily was in an apartment, but it wasn't hers. Not anymore. She was sleeping in a bed, but it wasn't hers. Waking up, she reached out for Audrey's sleeping, balled-up form, but all she caught was air. The warm rays of the sun nudged her further into wakefulness. She blinked again, expecting to catch Billy's scent in the sheet but smelled the residue of Rowan's cologne. Her mind put the pieces together and she bolted out of bed. Instead of seeing the familiar Genoa City skyline of home, Lily's eyes saw a Toronto skyline with the CN Tower prominently displayed. It was just as cold as Genoa City, but Crimson Lights was replaced by Tim Hortons on every block. Her heart sped up against her sternum, and she let her eyes travel over the master bedroom she had once shared with Rowan. Until they didn't. He had traveled a lot for work, and so did she. When she had moved back to Genoa City, and Rowan's job pushed him further out west to Vancouver, this place was a shell. It was empty, soulless and they were two ghosts that walked through each other.

She rubbed her arms through the soft material of her pajamas and found herself stumbling through the apartment, the stairs that led into the open floor living room. The greenery, the wooden floors. The flat screen TV that remained off because neither of them were home enough to enjoy it. Lily didn't know why, but let her eyes roam over this place. She let her hand touch the framed photos of him and her – them at a party, Rowan placing a kiss in her hair as she beamed at the camera and wore his olive-green beanie.

She folded her arms, protecting herself from what she didn't know was coming. Still, Lily landed on the black and white artwork of an abstract painting she loved but he hated. Lily remembered how they had debated over it for hours, but he silenced her next talking point with a sweet kiss and hung it up himself.

It's through your eyes and I'm a Philistine when it comes to art. Well, paintings anyway.

She even let her fingers run along the smooth surface of his baby grand piano. He never played as much anymore. He never played much at all, she recalled with a kind of sadness that settled into her veins like cool saline. Rowan played most on his mother's birthday, though. She respected his right to that by giving him space, but even with tears in his eyes, he invited him to stay. Listen. Be with him. Be with me, Lily. Please? Of course, she did with the shared, unspoken understanding that the relationship was disintegrating. The least Lily could have done was stay and help it evolve into a deep friendship on its way out of romantic territory. Touching how one of the keys, a solitary note rang out and the echo remembered how wide this place was.

"You never let me teach you."

Lily backed away as if she had touched something sacred, distributed something delicate in her subconscious. Maybe she'd wake up, click her bare feet and find herself home. Rowan descended down the stairs, casual shirt with jeans and bare feet. His brown eyes were bright, a smile taking up his whole face. It was a Wednesday, she felt, but never saw him with a wave cap. His hair was curly on the top, freshly cut with his dark beard freshly lined up. A gold band glinted on his hand and for one moment, the question came like a quiet whisper in her head. A gentle tugging. Are we married?

Her throat felt like it was in a vice, and she was fighting to get air.

Rowan got to her, instructed her to just breathe, pressed a kiss to her forehead and guided her to the piano bench big enough for both of them. She had met Rowan at an advanced yoga class, the contrast between his big form and his ability to effortlessly do all these poses intriguing her. Without meaning to, she laughed. He met her eyes, laughed and then went into a perfect King Dancer pose. They had traded numbers and talked. She was guarded at first and he was respected enough to give her space. When she had a panic attack originating from the loose threads of a prison memory, Rowan stayed with her and guided her through it. She cried, completely embarrassed. She never wanted her visit to his hometown to go this way. Rowan never told her it was okay to cry either way like most guys never did. Crying is its own kind of release, you know, he'd told her as they had sat on a park bench, the Toronto sun dipped beneath a tower on Bay St. Under that sunset, Lily had kissed him first. It was her first kiss since Cane, her first romance since anyone. She had been set to go home upstate, and back to figuring out who she was post-prison but to be somewhere different, in a whole new country – it was nice.

Rowan sat on the piano bench next to her, and gently bumped her shoulder. He did a quick scale, making the piano do a light trilling sound.

"I'm not musically-inclined," she heard herself reply, stupidly. As a little girl, Lily had developed an obsession with the violin, but after one lesson and many fights with how to play one, she learned it wasn't for her. She was more suited to dance to classically played violin music. "Why am I here?"

Rowan shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe closure… taking stock of your life…" he threw his hands up, as if to protect himself from any real and imagined offense. "I don't know anything about that. In any case, it's life. And all of this goes away if you wake up. Then again," he smirked, with a humorous glint in his eye, "Armageddon could happen and you'd sleep through it, you being a heavy sleeper and all."

He sighed, and he became the most serious Lily had ever seen him. "Or, you're here to illustrate how fundamentally different we were."

"No, we weren't."

"Yes, we were," Rowan repeated thoughtfully and calmly. Rowan seemed to sense it and he tensed up. He positioned his hands over the keys, but his wrists were tense. Lily knew he hated that. He inhaled, exhaled, tried again with a furrow in his brow from concentrating. Lily heard him swear, and rubbed his wrists with a wince. "Ma used to hit my wrists with a ruler when I had poor posture sitting here," he chuckled, shaking his head ruefully. "She was quick with it, too. She was paying for the lessons…" Rowan positioned his hands over the keys, closed his eyes. Lily knew his mother had died when he was twelve. She had been sick, and Rowan had been too young to understand, but old enough to have solid memories of her. Just like she had associated dance with her mom, Rowan associated piano with his. Lily watched him play, she heard notes of hard dark sounds and quick happy ones before they became grand and sweeping. He stopped, abruptly, opened his eyes and smiled proudly. "Still got it. She'd kill me if I'd let this slip away like she had…"

Lily couldn't help but be moved. "Rowan," she touched his forearm where she still saw the ink of his tattoo against his skin, "that was beautiful."

"Yeah? I composed it for you. I never finished it."

"Oh…" Lily said, quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Nah. Nothing for you to apologize for," he shrugged, and Lily could see the peaceful resignation in his body. "If I didn't finish it, it's because there was no more left for our story. Now, you and Billy on the other hand…"

"How did you know?"

Rowan stared at her and he deadpanned. "Everyone knows. Threw me for like 30 seconds before it made sense. You have history with the guy, and it's your home. You vibe more, y' know. The more you spent there with him, the less time we spent together. It was no one's fault," he turned to look her in the eye, his gaze piercing. "Don't let your composition with Billy stop unless you want it to. Do you want it to?"

—

Closure.

Lily had decided there was no such thing as closure after serving her time in prison. Time within the Wisconsin Department of Corrections twisted that and warped it. Closure was merely a stop gap. Something that sounded final but was just a bookmark in someone's novel. Lily woke up everyday, wore her prison blues and reminded herself of basic things: her full name, her birthday, and favourite colour. It was a way to keep these threads of her identity as strong as steel cables no matter how much the prison system reduced her to a string of numbers.

Closure, she defined for herself, was when she dug deeply within herself and realized what was final. When Lily realized that sense of finality, she developed the power to accept it. After acceptance, Lily had to dive headlong into the object of her fears and trepidation. Feel the fear. Do it anyway, Aunt Liv told her, almost channeling her mother. Lily had been scared she'd never be a mother, afraid to die, afraid she would never recover from the cancer. It was foolish, something wrapped up in vanity. Lily had been scared to shave her hair. Her full curly hair was falling out in clumps. She felt the fear of shaving her hair, but did it anyway.

Whether Lily was dreaming or not, she found it disrespectful to dissect her current relationship while in the remnants of her previous one. Rowan Whittaker, for all his flaws and admirable qualities, needed to be dealt with. Feel the trepidation. Deal with him anyway. Did she want to stop things with Billy? Did Lily want to stop this rollercoaster ride she found her on before the adrenaline terrified her and she experienced nausea? Did she want the erosion of her pragmatism for the sake of romance?

Relationships were perfect, and navigating one with Billy was no exception. Therefore, he was worth it.

No.

Billy was worth it.

"No," she said, sure. "No. I don't want us to end."

—

"Honey, you deserve so much better."

Jill told her she deserved better. Maybe she did. Her mom would have said the same. Loudly and strongly, probably would have put her physical body in front of her to shield from Billy's nonsense. Crazy and full of bullshit like his mama, Lily heard her mother's imaginary protest.

She recognized that look in the older woman's eyes. She lamented that she had failed her son, entrusted Billy to nameless, faceless boarding school administrations. Of course, Billy was an adult, Jill sighed, and needed him to do better if not for his sake, then for Johnny and Katie's. While Lily conceded Jill was right and would have felt the same had it been Charlie. Prison made her believe that to feel hope, they had to be given a reason. It felt wrong, almost against nature for a mother to give up on her child, but wasn't Jill being too hard? Wasn't Jill not understanding who Billy was at his core? Maybe, just maybe, so was she because he had his own mental health struggles and it was cruel of her to be angry because he was helping someone else—no, Lily stopped that line of thinking. It was a slippery slope, a cycle that would disorient everything.

"Alright. I guess there's one thing left for me to do. Play."

Rowan's smile was warm and understanding. The warmth and understanding felt like an invisible pair of arms had encircled her in an embrace goodbye and evolved into the friendliest of hellos. He played the piano with practiced ease. She recalled the tune – pieces of it. She could have worked harder to recall the lyrics as muddled as they were.

"You know this one, Lily," Rowan prompted. He winked at her without breaking the flow of piano playing. "You know Billy."

—

A spark of recognition triggered a brief memory like a film. A summer night that was unusually hot. A hole in the wall diner and bar nestled in between downtown Genoa City and the Warehouse District.

It was the kind of place that gave off Cheers energy where all the patrons did know each other's names. They all knew Billy and soon, they knew her. Maeve, the bartender, was a sweetheart who treated Billy and sometimes chided him like a grandmother. Lily was reminded of the kind of grandmother who was warm but was firm. Maeve, upon seeing her, stared at her before her eyes lit up and she smiled until it reached them. He treatin' you right, Lily? Billy feigned offense, hand on his heart before he looked down at her. Maeve, you absolutely wound me. He pressed a kiss to her hand. Always. Tell this brilliant, wise woman that I am a perfect gentleman, Lily.

Not perfect, but I'm happy, Maeve.

Maeve smiled at her and then looked at Billy with a shared look of mischief. Maeve tapped his cheek twice with pure affection. One of the best root floats from Maeve she ever had. It triggered nostalgia rooted in her childhood. Chicken and waffles and the Sunday afternoon her family had every month. Her mother and Aunt Liv had lively arguments and shared memories while instructing Lily to fix the batter until it was the perfect consistency and pointing out whatever spice blend came together to season the chicken. That much buttermilk and marinating the chicken for a certain amount of time with no measuring whatsoever. Lily was now in charge of keeping this sacred recipe closer to her with the same reverence as the Barber women before her. When it was time, Lily shared with Mattie and told her not to share with anyone until her daughter was born. Maeve's version of chicken and waffles could never touch her family's version but it came close.

The old jukebox played and Billy asked her to dance. Of course, she said yes.

Her blue sundress fanned out as Billy twirled her smoothly and caught her in his arms. She saw nothing but Billy. She was just a girl in a blue dress in the arms of her boyfriend, dancing, laughing until time wasn't a real thing anymore. Rowan hit the last piano note, and it echoed until the haze of dreams cleared and Lily let wakefulness in.

Well, it's Saturday night / You're all dressed up in blue / I been watching you awhile / Maybe you been watching me too…

—

Face washed and her teeth brushed, Lily yawned and stretched her arms over her head.

She took a moment to stop herself from making her bed and crawled back into it. Grabbing her phone, she touched the screen. It cast a soft glow, the time not even 5am. Social media alerts. New alerts. The Wall Street Journal because she had to keep up with the influx of corporate information disguised as many small chess moves that always led to something bigger.

Pulling her knees close to her chest under the warm blanket, Lily couldn't help but smile at this new Business Insider alert. ROWAN WHITTAKER OF 'WHITTAKER SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT' NEWEST MEMBER OF BILLIONAIRE'S CLUB. Rowan had done it, and built an empire for himself. A kind of warmth landed in her stomach and found its way into her heart. He had done it at the expense of their relationship, she felt, but it wasn't much of a sacrifice. The article praised Rowan as a wiz kid, a wunderkind, an innovator and called him the unifier between an athlete's physical health and their mental health. Lily thought this was the perfect venture and wished him well. And of course, Rowan Whittaker was a newly minted bachelor after being off the market for a time. Ah, corporate media, Lily mused with a roll of her eyes. Never change. She took a moment to be thankful for Nadia no matter how Lily felt about her.

Her ex was pictured at home posing with the baby grand piano, the extension of him, and the black and white artwork she had picked out. Rowan was posing for a picture with California skies and the Pacific Ocean as his backdrop. He was happy, peaceful. Rowan had come a long way and she had too.

—

She hadn't talked to him God-knows-how-long but still, Lily pulled up the thread she had with Rowan.

A sports entertainment empire worth billions?! Congrats, Rowan!

In an instant as if he had materialized from thin air (granted of the technological kind), she saw the bubble with the three dots.

…

…

…

Many thanks, Madame CEO of Chancellor-Winters 🙏

Not bad for an almost concert pianist, huh? 😏

She paused, remembering the talks they had about their dreams and aspirations. The ones they had lost, and the ones on the way even though it seemed so far from reality, it was almost outlandish. And then continuing texting. Lily heard of Michelle Whittaker, born Michelle Lawrence from Montego Bay, Jamaica. The little island girl who immigrated to Toronto as a fifteen-year-old child, accomplished so much academically until she was a professor in Black Studies, raised a family of two boys, and three girls with her husband before she made Randy Whittaker a widower and single dad of five. Lily and Rowan spent many nights in and many more nights out in Little Jamaica (really any part of the city with good food and energy) wondering if Mimi Lawrence and Dru Barber would have been friends. Maybe.

Your mother would be so proud of you.

…

Thank you, Lily. For real.
Your folks would be proud of you, too.

And then one more text in typical Rowan fashion that had made her laugh at 5:10am. Like, really laugh.

The way Billy used to make her laugh, and sometimes did. Of course, he did.

WE OUTSIDE

—

At the sound of her own laughter, Lily heard the unmistakable sound of a little white tipped paw sticking out of the door Lily had learned to leave ajar. While Audrey loved it here already, the tendencies of a stray still remained. Audrey did not like locked doors and tended to escalate the frequency and volume of her meowing until she was granted her freedom to roam. Audrey used her body to nudge the door of the master bedroom.

Lily beamed and greeted the feline, noticing she was particularly stylish with a new bright pink collar. She gently called the ginger cat over to her and Audrey obliged.

"Good morning, Audrey," she said, and the cat stretched her paws out as if wanting to be hugged. Pressing her face into the fur, Lily caught the scent of new shampoo and loved the collar. "A new collar, and a bath. Look at you more ready than the rest of us…" Audrey moved into her lap, and Lily found herself absentmindedly petting her. Selfishly, it was to soothe herself and shake off the vestiges of her dream, while the reality told her in black and white that everything was okay. "You're a sweet girl," she said, softly. "Quelle gentille fille tu es, Audrey."

What a sweet girl you are, Audrey, she told the ball of orange fur on her lap in her fluent French. It didn't hurt to teach her cat to respond to things in French and tune her keen hearing to it.

"Yeah, she is…" Billy strode in, hands behind his back. Oh, he was back to being mischievous and sneaky again. He wore a casual grey shirt, pajama bottoms with his dark hair embodying who he was: a mess, but she loved running his fingers through it when he put his head on her lap, tall frame spilling out on the couch. Lily loved playing with the hair at the nape of his neck when kissing him.

His stubble was coming in darker and she stared at him, amused. He came closer to the bed, making what he was hiding behind his back all the more intriguing. Billy slid in bed next to her, and kissed her good morning.

"Good morning." She picked her cat up, and cradled her as if picking up a baby. Audrey seemed to like that and settled there.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Fine, I guess."

"You guess?"

She sighed, and found herself pensive. "I just had a dream…" she explained, skipping the details. She wasn't necessarily skipping the details or lying. Before Lily and Billy decided to give into what they were dancing around, she had told him everything. Her life upstate with her dad for a while. Striking out on her own and working an executive position remotely at a financial management firm in Toronto while living upstate. Rowan, the begging and the end, and how she felt about him, and still did. At this moment, Lily didn't feel the need to reveal the complexities of her subconscious. "It was really vivid…" she kept on, and appreciated that Billy was listening, really listening. She dropped this loose thread of thought, aware that she wasn't going to be able to hold onto it and got to her point – the proverbial elephant in the room. "I didn't like how we left things last night."

"Me too," he admitted. "Jack gave me good advice. Kicked me in the ass. I don't want to lose you," he told her. She saw the sincerity in his eyes, and all things Chelsea Lawson seemed trivial. They were. He smiled down at Audrey, stroking her soft head with left hand, "which is why… I got her this collar, and you," he finally revealed what was in his right hand, "this."

It was a medium-sized box, too big to be a necklace and not square enough to be a ring.

For a brief second, Lily did think about it.

She did have this millisecond idea of an engagement and then it was gone and lost to her imagination and then was snuffed out by her pragmatic nature. It had to be by design and, in some ways, for her protection. From what? She didn't know. There was a cold that settled in her bones that made her feel borderline frostbitten. It felt intuitive.

With Audrey purring in her arms and Billy presenting with this box, how could she help but not feel warm?

—

When Lily took off the blindfold, she gasped in awe.

Gone was their second guest and in its place, was the feline definition of paradise. A cat bed nestled in a playhouse. A litany of cat toys and games designed to encourage Audrey's tendency to explore, her curiosity, intelligence and her general playfulness. A hammock, and a multilevel cat tree that doubled into a scratching post. Shelves along the walls as a cat highway because Audrey loved heights. Warm lighting, and soft pastels so Audrey was the brightest thing in the room. Lily's favourite feature was the small window that had a great view of a snow-covered Genoa City where birds flew by but didn't stay due to the cold. Lily could see Audrey clearly standing on her hind legs in her cat bed, paws pressed against the window pane and watching the birds that stopped by with rapt attention.

"How did you do all this?"

"Connections at a 24-hour pet store, being wide awake and playing Jack's advice over and over in my head," he answered, and kissed her once, twice, and then thrice. Billy pulled away, and she felt him push an errant curl gently behind one of her ears. "And you sleep like a rock, honey."

The door to Audrey's new room remained ajar with the hope that she would wander into it when she woke up. While in Lily's lap she had fallen asleep, and the cat was currently in the throes of her dreams. Yes, Audrey was left sleeping on her side in the unmade bed, but better that than anywhere else. Billy spoke again. "I'm sorry. I don't like that way our last conversation ended either. I want to continue being there for Chelsea…"

"Billy…"

She felt herself frown, and Billy worked to recover. Luckily, he did. Nice save, Billy. Nice save.

"But I need you to understand that I will come home to you. Always. With that being said…" he trailed off, and took the medium sized box from her, opened it and went down on one knee. It was a silver bracelet with two charms, hanging off of the small circular links. The first charm was her birthstone, the second a small silver key, and the third charm was in the shape of a cat.

Her eyes filled with happy tears not because of what was happening, but because she had been right.

She looked into his eyes and saw the sincerity in them. The eyes were always the windows to the soul, but she saw his heart along the way.

"Lily Amanda Winters…will you make the happiest guy in the world and allow me to take care of Audrey with you?"

As misguided as it was, Lily saw it was big, passionate, scarred but beautiful and once again, all hers. So, she did say yes, yes to creating more memories, yes to building on their lives, yes to starting this new adventure with him. She pulled him up, and watched him secure this stunning bracelet of silver and smaller diamonds. Kissing him, Lily pulled Billy to her as if finally catching an errant balloon she had been chasing forever.

And then reality hit: the distant sound of Audrey's meowing and the sharp clattering of something against the tiled floor of their adjoining bathroom, followed by more noise—

Lily made a sound that was a cross section of a groan and soft chuckle. She sighed, resting her head on Billy's chest. She looked up at him. "We're really doing this."

"Yep. Congratulations," Billy wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her again, "it's a girl."