"May I join you?"
Having heard the footsteps approaching, Hal had just managed to finish wiping her face before Eragon appeared before her. Although it was still very obvious she had been crying, and she had found it was almost impossible to stop. A few seconds was all it took to completely unhinge her. It was mortifying, such a selfish display. But dammit, she felt nothing but frustration and heartbreak.
She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. She watched Eragon as he correctly deduced her gesture to be an invitation, joining her on the ground. Hal had known better than to wander too far off in her current state, not wanting to give anyone reason to worry. However, she had hoped to have some time to herself, and had let her feet drag her any which way before realizing she had come to the spot where she had first met Sloan. Surrounded simply by trees and the occasional wildlife that skittered past, paying her no mind. It was quiet, mind-numbingly so. But it had also been private, until now.
Eragon didn't immediately speak, mimicking her position but with his ankles crossed and his legs splayed with a rather relaxed, almost nonchalant manner. From just his side profile, it was harder to pick out his more human features. The slant of his eyes and the slight point of his ears were so elvish it was rather strange to truly study. She recalled learning at some point in her early teachings that all riders, after a while, slowly take on more elvish features because of their bond with their dragons. And despite how handsome Eragon appeared, she found herself wishing Murtagh's physical attributes would remain the same.
Then again, that was assuming she'd be around long enough to see them for herself.
And just like that, another unwelcome thought sent her mood crashing down and she felt tears quickly build back up. This was supposed to have been the easy part. Defeating Thea was supposed to have been the ultimate challenge. Hal was beginning to realize that nothing had been as simple as she had been expecting them to be. And her expectations had been pretty low to start.
"Can I tell you something?" Eragon asked.
Trying to avoid a complete meltdown in front of him, Hal desperately urged, "Anything," in the hopes it would distract her from her own thoughts.
"I actually had an ulterior motive for coming back to Alagaësia. One that I haven't told anyone about. Except Saphira, of course."
Sniffling, Hal looked up at him with curiosity. "Did you want to see my stunning good looks for yourself?" He let out a bark of surprise laughter and Hal shook her head, wiping her eyes. "Sorry, I sometimes have a tendency to make jokes at the wrong time."
"Not at all," Eragon said with a wave of his hand. "But, I admit, you were my reason for coming."
Hal didn't respond, feeling her heart being to beat loudly in nervous anticipation. "Was something wrong?"
"I don't think so. In fact, my hope, is that something may be very right."
He reached into a bag Hal hadn't noticed, strapped around his waist like a belt. There was a bulky pouch on the side that he unfastened. Her eyes followed his every move, unable to make out what she was looking at. He held out a rather large, oval-shaped stone to her. It was black as night, and yet it contained a shine to it that reminded Hal of a jewel. It was beautiful and the longer she stared, the more entranced she felt.
Cautiously she reached a hand out. "What is it?"
Eragon cleared his throat. "A dragon's egg."
His response was soft, yet his answer was so sharp that Hal recoiled in shock. "A…what?"
"A dragon's egg," he repeated. "Hal, I know this might sound crazy, and I know now might not be the best time. But there might not be much time left at all, and Saphira and I must soon return to the east after our work in Ilirea is done. I think you could be a dragon rider. This is the egg we've been ferrying between the different populations for the past two years with no luck. However, if you were to touch the egg, I think it would hatch for you."
"Eragon —"
"I know it sounds mad at first, but hear me out." He was talking faster now, almost desperate. "You were already strong before, but now that you're part Shade, you're perhaps one of the most powerful magicians already. You're an incredible leader, and I've heard how well you fought in the siege of Ilirea. I was chosen with far less qualifications."
"Eragon, you are the son of a dragon rider. As is Murtagh. It's honestly not as far-fetched as you make it out to be. And although you were still a child, you bore that responsibility brilliantly." Hal softened, tucking her hands tightly into her lap. She didn't even want to graze the stone, feeling a sudden sense of unease. "Thank you, Eragon, for thinking so highly of me that you came here to tell me this in person. That alone is much more of an honor than if this egg were to actually hatch for me."
The stone lowered in his hands, his face falling as he read the look on her face. "But?"
"But, I don't think I'd want to be a dragon rider. It honestly terrifies me."
"It's not as bad as it seems, I promise. I would be with you every step of the way in your training. As would Murtagh."
"I don't mean that. I mean the expectations. The restrictions on my freedoms. The oaths and promises I have to swear. The fact that I must put duty above all else. That has never been a life I aspired to."
Eragon swallowed, looking rather peeved. "Well, it's certainly not as if any of us asked for this."
Hal winced at her carelessness, knowing she had struck a nerve. Murtagh would've had the exact same reaction, although she also would've also known better than to say such a thing to him.
"I'm sorry," she said. "That was rude of me. I didn't mean to imply such a thing. What I meant to say was that I'm not cut out of it. Any of it. And I'm not saying that to be modest. Eragon. The few weeks I was in that castle in Iliera were some of the worst weeks of my life. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and the vitriol and hatred Murtagh and I faced…I do not want to have to go through that again unless I absolutely have to. Not to mention that my being a Shade is still a heavily-guarded secret that could still come out. If that were to happen after I'd already been named a dragon rider, the citizens would crucify us all and they would never trust me, or you, for that matter."
"Opinions can be changed. It's happened before."
"It has. And rightly so. But this is not a battle we're ready to fight. Especially after Thea. It's too risky."
"You sound exactly like Saphira," he muttered. "She agreed that you sounded like a promising candidate, but she was hesitant all the same."
"Well, she was right." Hal chuckled, her cheeks growing flush with warmth as another thought struck her. "Besides, at least this way I can decide for myself what I want my future to be. If I were to touch that egg and it didn't hatch, I think I might die of humiliation."
"Does that mean a part of you does want to become a dragon rider?"
Hal shook her head. "No. I don't know. At least not in the formal sense. Eragon, when I look at that egg, I see power. I see everyone I've ever loved that I failed to protect. I see the person who threw a stone at Murtagh's face and rotten food at Thorn. I see the Black Hand after they tried to kill me." She raised her eyes to Eragon's, her smile tight. "I see a long life, that guarantees a lifetime with Murtagh that, right now, is only speculation, if it exists at all. I also see our future children growing up without their parents, because we're both constantly away or because we're…" She didn't want to say it aloud and shook her head. "There's so much opportunity and risk in that tiny egg. Opportunity and risk that serve as proof that I shouldn't touch it. You are kind and trusting for putting such faith in me. And maybe, years from now, I will be in a better place and, if you still insist on it, perhaps then. But right now, I am not who you need. I had responsibility thrust upon me, but unlike you, I could not bear it. And it's taken so much out of me that I could not be the dragon rider I would want to be either. And I could not do you or this country such a disservice."
Eragon swallowed, looking rather downcast. However, he nodded, accepting her decision and returning the egg to its pouch. When it was safely tucked away, he let his hands fall back into his lap. "I admit that I'm a bit jealous. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change anything about my life, especially not Saphira." He sighed.
"But?" Hal prompted, with a kind smile.
His lips lifted in return. "But, sometimes I do wish I could've had a better idea of what I was getting myself into. I had no idea that when I picked up what I thought was a lovely stone, I would forever change my life. I was so naïve. Not just naïve, I was completely ignorant. I took such responsibilities lightly, assumed such decisions were easy. It's embarrassing to think back on it now."
"In your defense, I don't think anyone really looks back on being sixteen with fondness."
He let out a charming laugh and the tension completely vanished almost instantly as a result. "Heavens, you're not wrong about that. I'd probably punch that Eragon in the face."
"I think sixteen-year-old Hal would be trying to punch me in the face. Oh, she'd be so angry with the way I've acted. She was so obnoxious." Her smile faded some, remembering her past self. "She was happy though. In her own way. She finally felt like she was part of something. Felt like perhaps she was moving forward in the right direction. She lived in ignorance, but you know what they say about that."
"Everything did have a way of feeling easy back then. Even if we didn't know it." He turned to look at her. "I'm sorry about the Sani. When Zola was asking about the east, I didn't comprehend why. If I had anything to do with —"
"You didn't," Hal answered gently. "My aunt all but assured me that she and the Sani had come to the decision before she even spoke with you. She was just making sure that they had options. If I had been smarter, I would've seen this coming. And if I wasn't being so selfish, I would even agree with it."
"No one faults you for what you're feeling. I can't even imagine it."
"Yes, you can. You made the same choice, Eragon. To leave everything behind that you knew so that you could make sure the dragon eggs and riders could be raised in safety. That's why you're a dragon rider and I'm not. Because you are capable of making difficult decisions when you know they're the right ones."
"I wasn't always, though. Even I had to learn the hard way."
"Yes. But I don't want that for myself. I want to be able to choose me. Every single time. Without question and without regret. By choosing me, I can choose Murtagh and Thorn. I can choose our children and their happiness and wellbeing above all others." She shook her head, blinking loose several tears before wiping them away. "This path allows me to support Murtagh and Thorn as they embark on their journeys. And I promised I would be by their side for all of it. This allows me to keep that promise."
"What about you though? Where does Halen fit in? You say this is all for you and yet all you're doing is listing what you want for others."
Hal reared back, rather stunned by his observation and the feelings it awakened within her. The same feelings she had felt watching the children of Ilirea leave after caring for them. The feeling of purpose for herself rather than the feeling of being needed by someone else.
But what, if anything, was Hal's purpose? If it wasn't to be a rider, then what else was there?
"I'm sorry, that was too forward of me."
"No, you're right though. I've thought about it briefly but never in detail. Truthfully, I don't know what I want. I don't think I ever gave myself the chance to wonder such things. After losing my family, it felt wrong to want more. I told myself to be content with what I had. When Murtagh came along, I began to recognize that desire for more than that old life could offer me. However…"
She didn't have to say it aloud for Eragon to recognize what was left unsaid. "I understand."
"Yet despite everything, there were still such moments of joy that I felt I couldn't possibly ask for more. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair. And yet it intimidates me, just how hard it is to find my reason for existing beyond others. It makes me happy, it does. But it does not fill me with purpose. You and Murtagh and Nasuada, you all have a purpose. I feel as if I should aim as high and yet…
"The truth is, Eragon, that I just don't know. It's been two years since I first noticed something was wrong with my little island. So much has happened. So much good. So much bad. There's still work left to be done. Until then, however, I just want to go home. I want to see my village and my people. I want to spend as much time as possible with Murtagh and Thorn before they are called away. I want…no, I need, to learn to live with the things I've lost and the things that I've done. I can't run away from them like I used to. And until that work is done, I don't know what my purpose is just yet. I don't know where I'll fit in with the rest of the world. But I have to keep living so that when the time does come, I'm ready for it. Truly and completely ready.
Eragon smiled. "And I hope to be there when that happens."
"Does that mean you won't be a stranger to the mainland?"
"I don't know how often I'll get to visit, but…I would like to come back when I can."
"Our village is humble but you are always welcome. In fact, as the village leader, I insist upon it."
"I certainly can't decline an invitation from a figure of such authority."
"It would be unwise."
He racked his fingers through his hair, stretching out his legs and leaning back to rest on his forearms. "I know I'm several months late in this. I already told Murtagh but I wanted to tell you as well: congratulations on your marriage. I really am happy for you both."
"Thank you, Eragon."
"If you ever need anything, Hal, anything at all, promise me you won't hesitate to ask. It might not be through blood, but you are still family. And I hope, one day, you'll come to see me as a friend as well."
"Oh, I don't think that'll be an issue. But I promise."
By the time Hal and Eragon finished talking, she was surprised by how much her spirits had been lifted. Perhaps it was because Eragon didn't know her all that well, but still felt comfortable enough to say exactly what he was thinking. Hal could appreciate the way he navigated such candor respectfully. And they had more in common than she would have first guessed.
As they were heading back to Ellesméra, Eragon said, "If you don't mind, can I ask you something rather personal?"
Hal blinked, trying to quickly think what he could be about say following a rather heated interrogation (Hal) about the giant snails Eragon saw on Vroengard. "I suppose."
"That time you asked to speak with me privately, when you asked about the dreams I'd been having. Why did you suddenly run off the way you did?"
Hal felt her face grow hot, having completely forgotten that she had just abandoned Eragon in the middle of a conversation. "I'm really sorry about that."
"That's not why I brought it up," he insisted. "I admit to being curious. And concerned. You looked so distraught I feared I had something wrong."
"No, you did nothing wrong. It was all me. That was actually the first time I realized that Nasuada was the queen. Murtagh had mentioned her previously, just not her status. That, combined with a lot of stress and panic, I just sort of…snapped. I felt so inadequate, thinking of everything you all had accomplished. I was having such a hard time and I nearly convinced myself that I just simply wasn't good enough. But you had nothing to do with that. I was just stupidly self-conscious."
"Oh. Well, I still feel rather guilty. I hate to think you were under such distress because of something I said, even if it was unintentional."
Keeping her head down to watch her step so that she didn't trip, Hal grinned. "It wasn't all bad. In fact, according to Murtagh, during the events that followed, that's when he realized he loved me." She chuckled, recalling her first ride with Thorn, her confession of her past, and the days that followed where Murtagh refused to leave her side for any reason.
"From where I am standing, you have just as much heart and courage as any queen or dragon rider. And it is because you are neither that I am choosing you. And I will always choose you, Halen."
"What happened?"
Hal smiled, knowing she would keep such details to herself. Instead, cryptically, she answered, "I took a leap of faith. In myself and in Murtagh, and in us together. I had to trust that everything would work out."
"And did it?"
She glanced up at the sky, the evening sun dancing between the thick leaves cutting through the branches of the trees. It was cool and crisp, the wind already teasing a cold night. Yet, Hal's spirits felt lighter. Almost hopeful, as she recalled that moment. Of realizing that, perhaps, allowing herself to fall didn't necessarily mean she was about to hit the ground. Sometimes, it could simply be exhilarating, not knowing where and when she might land, but feeling the rush all the same and embracing it. Letting that be what she held on to, rather than focusing on an impact that might never come to pass. Especially if she were to realize then that that's when had wings.
"Not yet," she admitted, glancing back down. "But there's still time to figure it out."
When they reached the edge of the city, Eragon suddenly stopped walking and turned towards Hal. "There's something else I want to say to you before I don't get the chance to."
"What is it?"
"It's nothing bad, I promise," he said with calming smile, noting her nervousness. "I just wanted to say thank you. For everything you've done without asking for anything in return. You took Murtagh and Thorn in when you had no obligation to do so. And because of that, I didn't just get a brother, but I regained my friend. You took it upon yourself to warn Nasuada of Thea despite the dangers it posed. You took up arms and defended Ilirea and saved countless lives. And you protected people most precious to me. You have asked for no consolation, no acknowledgment, and no special treatment. I admit I feel differently. I wish there was a means to properly thank you for all you've done. But if all I can do is express my gratitude, then so be it. It is yours, Hal. From the bottom of my heart, thank you."
Then, to Hal's shock, he stepped back before bowing at the waist, his hand over his heart. She was shaking, physically shaking, at the gesture and the heartfelt sentiment he had expressed. Because it wasn't until that moment that she realized no one had thanked her. Not that she had done any of what she had for such recognition. But just his kind acknowledgement of what she had been through when he didn't have to say anything at all.
She tried to wipe her face but the damage was already done. She felt like she might never stop crying at the rate she was going. It felt rather silly that such a simple act of kindness could have such a profound effect. And perhaps, had she not been in such a vulnerable position to begin with, she would not have responded quite the same. But she found that crying in front of Eragon felt like crying in front of Murtagh, Baldor, or Albriech. There was something naturally comforting and safe about them.
"Are you going to be all right?" Eragon asked gently.
Hal nodded, unable to help the nervous chuckle that escaped her. "Yes. Yes, I'm going to be just fine. As if to prove it, her smile came easily then, bright and grateful despite her tears. It was, perhaps, the first time in a while she truly felt a bit like her old self: hopeful. She wanted to hold on to this moment for as long as possible. She didn't want to forget what this felt like. This weightlessness in her chest that was easier lost than gained.
"Eragon, if I may so bold as to ask two favors of you?"
"Of course. What is it?"
"First, I do not mean to burden you more than you already are. Not to mention my aunt would murder me if she knew I asked this of you. And of course I can scry them, but since I'll be so far away —"
Eragon smiled in understanding. "I'd be more than happy to keep an eye on your people. I would've done as much without your asking."
"Is it too much? Please be honest. I'm sure everything will be fine. I just…I worry."
"It's all right, Hal, I promise. You are not burdening me, although I appreciate the concern. So please, relax. It worries me to see you so stressed."
She placed a hand over her racing heart, willing it to slow. "You're right. Panicking over it won't help. But thank you. It won't be permanent, I swear. I just need to get used to it is all, and that will take time. It just feels hard, you know? When things are out of your control."
"Aye, I know that feeling all too well. But you have my word, that I will make sure the Sani are looked after and protected to the best of my abilities.""
"Thank you, Eragon. I just need things to settle down, and hopefully all of this will get easier. Like when Murtagh and I were apart, I kept waiting for the day where I would wake up and not notice his absence. But somehow something would always feel off, even if I couldn't directly attribute it to our being apart. It wasn't until I saw him again that I realized just how wound up I had been." Hal hesitated a bit, realizing what she was about to say might be out of place. But she felt inclined to speak her mind all the same. "He loved it, you know. Teaching. He wouldn't admit as much at first because I think he feared it would upset me. But he is too obvious to hide anything from me."
Eragon scratched the back of his head, looking rather bashful. "I admit I offered him a more permanent position at the Academy without fully thinking it through. He turned me down, of course."
"Aye, he told me. That's why I offered the suggestion that I did the other night. I knew it would serve a worthwhile goal for him. But honestly, I just wanted Murtagh to have something that would make him happy."
"Murtagh is a lucky man to have such a devoted wife."
She laughed, her face warm. "You know, I once told him that I would rather he leave me behind, knowing doing so would make him happier than if he stayed with me." She blinked back tears, looking up at the sky to try to keep them from falling. "But I don't know if I meant it then. And I certainly wouldn't mean it now." She looked at Eragon then, her eyes wide and pleading. "Does that make me a bad person?"
"It makes you human," Eragon said, almost immediately. He stepped forward, giving her a wane smile. "That's what makes life all the more complicated: it is full of contradictions. Especially when it comes to those we love. But I can see just how much you care for Murtagh, and he you. Whatever you both choose, I know it will be a decision you come to together. Nothing is set in stone either. I think what you proposed is a truly brilliant plan and I fully intend to use it; but, Hal, you are always welcome within our halls too. If, for whatever reason, Murtagh must return to Mount Agonor, I'd be happy to host you as well. It is as I said: I want us to become closer as family and as friends."
"Indeed," Hal said, smiling. "I'd like that, Eragon. And I would like to see the eastern lands for myself someday."
"They are quite lovely. I think you'd like it there. And I think your people will too." She breathed easier, nodding in agreement. "And, I believe you had one more favor to ask of me?" Eragon prompted gently.
"Yes, in fact, I do. Tell me: how do you feel about weddings?"