Santana had tried to downplay the engagement with Brittany to her friends. Really, really tried. She had known the minute she texted Rachel, Kurt, Quinn, and Mercedes (individually, because she couldn't handle the mess of a group chat notifications pinging on and off all day long) with a simple and to the point statement that she and Brittany were engaged again, this would be far from the end of things she would hear about it. Her friends were not the type to simply text back a congratulations with some emojis, oh no. Instead, she was immediately bombarded with so many texts and phone calls- not just from those four, but from the entirety of the Glee club- that she got frustrated and shut her phone off. That didn't help, they just started blowing up Brittany's phone and Santana's laptop instead. In the end, she had to call Kurt (the slightly more reasonable, between him and Rachel) and virtually threaten him to keep him and Rachel from showing up at their apartment door.
Apparently, though, Santana was no longer threatening enough to scare them. Because Friday night, when she and Brittany got home from their respective responsibilities of the day, Santana could tell even before going to open the apartment door that something was wrong.
"Call the police, the lights are on inside and we didn't leave them like that!" she hissed, grabbing Brittany's arm. "Someone broke in!"
Straining to hear, still grasping Brittany, she realized that someone inside the apartment door was talking, trying unsuccessfully to keep their voice quiet. Actually….wait, was that more than one person talking? How many people had broken into the apartment? Was it a gang?!
And then she heard one all too familiar voice, attempting louder than all the rest of them combined, to shush everyone "because Santana and Brittany will be here any minute now!" That was when the penny dropped, and Santana dropped Brittany's arm, growling aloud.
"Oh no. No, they did NOT."
No longer the slightest bit afraid of being attacked, but rather of the possibly less welcome ambush she was now certain awaited her, she unlocked the door, immediately greeted by a swarm of voices calling out in unison.
"Surpriseeeee! Happy engagement!"
Santana just stood there, slowly taking in the huge congratulatory banner, blown up picture posters of Brittany and Santana, balloons, streamers, and party food thrown over what seemed every inch of surface of her apartment. As she had feared, Rachel and Kurt stood in the front of the rest of the group, beaming with pride at themselves and practically bouncing on their toes in anticipation of their response. Just behind them, also far too happy looking for her liking, stood Quinn, Mercedes, Mike, Tina, Puck, Sam, Blaine, Artie, and Sugar.
Turning back to Brittany, Santana deadpanned, "Thanks. We forgot we have plans, bye!"
She made a motion to grab the doorknob, ready to flee and slam it all in their faces.
After Brittany had actually proposed, she'd handed Santana essentially all of the control around their engagement, letting her control who she wanted to tell, when she wanted to tell them, how she wanted to tell them, all of it. Brittany couldn't care less one way or the other, she was just thrilled that they were engaged, that one day, they would marry. That, forever, Santana could look at her ring finger and know that she was chosen and that Brittany would always be there for her to go home to.
She also knew that Santana was infinitely more sensitive to other people than Brittany was- she always had been. Brittany, her entire life, had always tuned other people out without ever really trying, while Santana was incredibly sensitive to peoples reactions, people's thoughts, people in general. She was more likely to get overwhelmed in a room full of people than Brittany was, even before the assault. Brittany sat by dutifully, letting Santana decide whether to group text or individual text, sliding a hand against her neck when she saw Santana tighten up at the deluge of happy-congratulatory text messages, reminding her that she didn't have to respond and they could all wait.
She'd been pleased when Santana had turned her own phone off, until she became the recipient of all of the text messages. At least she was better at blatantly ignoring them than Santana, although, eventually, they'd both caught up on all their calls and texts. Brittany found it extra-amusing that Santana seemed to be so short and curt texting and calling, when, in reality, she walked around the apartment with a lovesick expression all the time and a sweet, blushing smile on her face, still firmly entrenched in the post engagement honeymoon phase that Brittany wasn't sure would ever end.
On Friday, they were very much in the same state, ambling slowly home with Brittany's arm slung around Santana's shoulder. The last pieces of summer were clinging to New York, and the warm breeze tickled their exposed skin. Brittany knew they'd shower together, possibly have sex, and then probably go to bed, and it sounded amazing. A nice, lulling evening for them. Or at least- it looked to be, until Santana registered that the light was on. She felt her grasp her arm in the beginnings of a panic. Brittany was slower to respond, glancing down at the light under the door. She was mid-thinking that whoever broke in would probably be disappointed that they had nothing good to steal when the dull murmur of voices came through the door. At that sound, Brittany visibly relaxed while Santana visibly stiffened. "I think we know the burglars" Brittany grinned bashfully, letting Santana open the door and push it open.
Inside, Brittany was amazed at how quickly Rachel- she assumed that was who was behind the decorating- had worked, hanging banners, balloons, and posters all over their living room. Dropping her bag at the door, Brittany's cheeks hurt from smiling already as she took in all of the familiar faces of everyone she loved smiling back at her, feeling her stomach flip with happiness at how amazing this was, how loved she felt, and how great their friends were. Her happiness was distracted by Santana turning abruptly on her heel, a grimace on her face. Of course. Santana always took awhile to warm up to things, and her first response was usually displeasure. Rolling her eyes with a smile, Brittany wrapped her fingers around her upper arm to stop her, her free hand coming up to intercept the hand that went for the doorknob, always anticipating Santana's next move. "We are not leaving," Brittany grinned, pulling Santana into her chest and wrapping both arms around her, partly to hold her there and partly because she knew Santana probably needed a beat of security and that she was likely slightly overwhelmed by it all- even Brittany felt a little overwhelmed. "This is our party," She grinned, raising her arm when Tina approached to hug them, followed by the rest of their friends.
"Yes, exactly, it's your party, both of you! For your engagement!" Rachel exclaimed, gesturing rather needlessly to the expanse of decorations strewn around the living room and kitchen area. "We all pitched in and took time off, and we're here for the whole weekend!"
At Santana's look of horror, Mercedes intercepted, further explaining with a laugh.
"Don't worry, Satan, none of us are staying with you guys over the weekend. Some of us are bunked up with Kurt and Rachel and the rest of us got hotel rooms."
"Which cost a fortune, so practice appreciation instead of scowls," Quinn added. "I told you guys she would make that face- yes, that one, exactly."
"Yeah, I'm sure none of us want to risk our sleep and sanity staying with the newly engaged couple immediately post engagement," Kurt chimed in, smirking.
"We have drinks, food, and of course, all the needed voices and equpiment for karaoke!" Rachel declared, gesturing widely. "Come on, Santana, I know you generally greet surprises with discomfort, but this is exciting, we all want to show you how happy we are for you two!"
Santana groaned, turning into Brittany and putting her head into her chest, hiding from everyone. She is feeling a brief rush of anxiety, but when Brittany makes it obvious how happy she is, she peeks up, allowing Tina, then Mercedes, and one by one the others to hug them, including Santana in the embraces jointly along with Brittany. She even tolerated brief hugs from Kurt, Puck, and Sam and Artie- very brief from the latter three.
"Fineeeee. But we can kick them out when we want, right?"
Brittany grinned at Rachel's over obvious explanation of what the party was for, raising her eyebrows as she explained in detail just how much planning and travel had gone into it. It made Brittany's insides feel soft and warm - seeing such an outward display of love and affection from their friends. She knew they'd always be there for them, but she and Santana so often were sealed off in their own little bubble, away from mostly everyone but Kurt and Rachel. Brittany loved their little life, but she also loved big and fun reunions like this with all of her favorite people.
She felt Santana relax marginally against her side when Mercedes assured them none of them were staying with them, shooting a quick glance to Rachel to silently thank her for make sure that didn't happen. She didn't think Santana would feel unsafe or upset by it, but she knew how sacred their home was to Santana, and how much Santana valued their little routine and alone time with Brittany. She knew having people stay at their apartment would be stressful and hectic for everyone involved, and she was secretly glad they could enjoy the party without having to worry about that.
She brushed her hand over the back of Santana's head soothingly when she felt her press her face into her chest, knowing she was feigning embarrassment but also probably still adjusting to having so many people in their space. If Santana needed to have her eyes closed and be in her own little world for a few seconds while she pressed herself against Brittany, Brittany would let her, fielding a few hugs from Tina and Mercedes in the meantime while Santana peeked her head up. She glanced town for a moment when she saw their guy friends approaching, but she couldn't feel Santana push away from them or tighten in her arms too much and so they gave them a round of hugs also, Brittany angling her body to be mostly in the middle of those embraces rather than Santana's body.
She walked with Santana further into the apartment at Rachel's beckoning, rolling her eyes with a smile when Santana begged to have permission to kick them out, patting her hip. "Our bedroom will still be our secret space, if you get tired of this you can go in there for a little if you want to be quiet," She said, her head turned so she was speaking into Santana's hair. She was stating the obvious- their bedroom was right there- and she didn't actually think Santana would need it, but she gave her the reminder more for her sake. She let Santana stay tucked into her side and continue her charade of being repelled by celebration, even though Brittany knew Santana probably felt a similar warm and fuzzy feeling inside at how much love they were being shown. Guiding her over, she leaned against the arm of the couch where Tina and Mercedes were milling, striking up an easy conversation with them, feeling like they were a good place to start and would probably be the calmest and easiest for Santana to warm too.
Santana heaved a loud sigh, acknowledging reluctantly to herself that she was in fact okay with Brittany's suggested arrangement. As long as she had a place to retreat, that was the important thing. It wasn't so much that the actual people made her anxious as the possibility of them being overly intrusive. She didn't want a bunch of people around who were too loud, too into touching her, or too concerned about her. She also didn't want the possibility of having stranger behavior than they were used to, especially an obvious panic attack, because the majority of them didn't know about what had happened last year. She didn't want that to change and didn't want the questions that might be provoked if she was too different from the Santana they thought she knew.
"Fine," she huffed, letting herself ease away from Brittany enough that she could assess the situation more fully. "But you can have all the fun social stuff. I'm just here. I wasn't the one who invited these fools."
Raising her voice, she called out to Rachel and Kurt, "Broadway Bitches, you are both getting the wrath of Snixxx for this later. I did not sign up to relive the nightmare of high school, it's bad enough I'm still in college!"
But both were used enough to her that they didn't even react, entirely pleased with themselves. And when they approached she did hug them, independently of Brittany.
"We have a variety of food so there should be something you can eat, Santana," Rachel whispered just a little too loudly for Santana's comfort as she drew away. "You look really great lately, by the way!"
"Wonderful, exactly what I wanted, Berry approving of my appearance," she muttered but without considerable bite. "Fine, how long has this unasked for insanity been planned?"
"Basically since you texted us," Kurt confirmed her suspicion, as Mercedes added, "We all thought it was time. It's been too long, and this was a good excuse."
"You didn't do this when Rachel got engaged in high school," Santana muttered. "Why did she get a lucky escape?"
Rachel paused, looking slightly bothered. "Yes, although Why wasn't there a party for Finn and I?"
Brittany was pleased at how accepting Santana was being of it all, how recipient she was acting to being celebrated and surrounded by their friends, in their apartment no less. Brittany had worked hard to make sure their apartment always stayed a safe place for Santana - everything was always where Santana knew it would be, there was always at least one light on, especially in the bathroom, and there were always safe foods in the fridge. Fleetingly, she had wondered if so many people being in their space would overwhelm Santana, but they were all people they'd known and loved, and Santana seemed unfazed for the most part by it, even making snarky jokes.
She grinned as Santana peeled away from her a little bit so she wasn't entirely tucked into her side, enough to hug Rachel and Kurt on her own. It still shocked Brittany that, out of everyone in the room, Brittany and Santana were closest to Rachel and Kurt and Rachel and Kurt had been there for Santana more than anyone. She felt another swell of gratitude for them and their constant, unwavering presence in her own life but also in Santana's life.
Brittany smiled at them, resting her hand on the small of Santana's back when Rachel brought up food and how good Santana looked, doing a cursory glance around to see if anyone else had heard, but seeing they were all wrapped up in their own conversations. It occurred to Brittany sadly that it was a possibility their friends wouldn't even think much of it and could very well assume that Santana was on some type of fad or diet, much like the kinds they'd been on everyday in high school.
"I wouldn't be good at planning one Rachel, you're way better at those kinds of things," Brittany pointed out, giving herself an out and then taking it, tugging Santana over to where Tina and Mercedes were by the couch, sitting down and pulling Santana down next to her. She folded into conversation with them easily, asking all the right questions for them both to launch into respective updates about their careers, Mercedes potential record label, and if Tina and Mike were actually going to get engaged any time soon. It was nice for her to listen to them, to hear everything about their lives, everything she'd felt like she'd missed, but she noticed Santana glancing around the room a few times, over to where Sam and Puck stood, or where Quinn and Kurt were, watching all the conversations take place around them.
She'd looped her arm around Santana's back when they'd sat, and she patted her hip to get her attention, pulling her focus from the latest set of their friends she was observing. "Hey, why don't you go talk to Quinn?" She asked when Mercedes and Tina had momentarily distracted each other. "I'm sure she'd love to talk to you," Brittany pointed out.
As Brittany guided Santana with her to sit with Tina and Mercedes, Santana was relieved when they asked little of her beyond the details of the proposal, happy to talk about their own lives. She even realized as she relaxed that she was actually interested in what they were saying. She was even proud of them, not that she would tell them explicitly, but she did give genuine smiles and asked questions that she actually wanted answers to. She even felt proud and excited to show off her ring and receive their compliments.
When Brittany put her arm around her, suggesting she talk to Quinn, Santana startled slightly, then settled. She had been looking towards the other blonde, wandering if the rumor of her and Puck being back together was confirmed fact, but she balked, leaning in closer to Brittany. She didn't want to get up, possibly drawing everyone's eyes to her, and talk to Quinn, not alone. The girl could be self absorbed, but she was sharp. What if she had noticed changes? Rachel always had a weird thing going with her- what if she had let something slip?
"No, I don't want to," she murmured back, squeezing Brittany's hand. "I'll stay with you."
Talking with Tina and Mercedes, she was actually content to sit back and let Santana lead most of the conversation, quietly thrilled at how engaged and happy Santana seemed to catch up with them, loving the way she actually blushed and seemed to glow in praise when they fawned over her ring and the engagement story, cooing over how it all started in Lima on the bleachers. Even though she'd been there, Brittany loved to hear it, knowing that it was a particularly magical story and loving it every time she heard it back. Each time, she knew there was no better way she could've done it, no way that was more perfect to Santana.
When she proposed Santana go talk to Quinn, she watched Santana think over it in her mind, feeling her instantly shift closer to her as if Brittany was going to put space between them or as if it meant her going to talk to Quinn meant she'd lose access to touching Brittany. "I'm not going anywhere," Brittany pointed out, reaching up to smooth Santana's baby hairs. She rubbed Santana's knuckles with her thumb. "I'm not going to make you go over there," Brittany answered easily, knowing the way to get Santana to do something was actually to do anything except force her, something her parents had never seemed to grasp but something Brittany seemed to instantly know. "She just probably wants to talk to you," Brittany pointed out. "You'll be able to see me still, and you're in our apartment with all your friends," She reminded, silently reminding Santana that this was their safe place and it was currently full of safe people.
She glanced back to Tina and Mercedes, making sure they weren't listening too closely before turning her head back to Santana, pressing a kiss to her ear gently. "I love it when you stay with me but if you feel safe, you don't always have to," She murmured, letting Santana sink into her side.
Santana's brow furrowed as she thought about Brittany's suggestion. She glanced over at Quinn, torn between her desire to give into her curiosity and her desire to stay right where she knew she was comfortable with Brittany. As Brittany gave her easy, reassuring touches, reminding her that she was safe and in control, Santana briefly pressed into her, soaking up the attention. For a moment she peeked to see who was watching, but when she realized that no one appeared to think anything of their affection, she remembered that this was not exactly ever unusual for them. Besides, this was their engagement party.
"If I look at you and need you, will you come get me?" She whispered in her ear. She didn't want to have to be the one to make the move to go, where everybody could possibly see her choosing to and start wondering. Even to herself she knew she was probably overthinking, but it had been over a year since she saw all their Glee friends together. It was still a lot, even if part of her was kind of enjoying the fuss in spite of herself.
"And I can go to the bathroom," she said, reminding herself softly more than speaking to Brittany. "And you'll come if I need."
Brittany squeezed her hand back instantly, only turning to look at her when she felt the warmth of Santana disappear from beside her, looking up to catch her gaze quickly and offer a reassuring glance. As she watched Santana go, she caught Rachel's eye from across the room, meeting her wide-eyed, shocked gaze as Rachel registered Santana going over to talk to Quinn without Brittany. "It's okay" She mouthed, nodding to Rachel to reassure her that Santana would be fine. She thought it was cute, how attentive Rachel actually was to Santana, even if sometimes she did put her foot in her mouth in the way that she cared for her. Her intentions were pure, and Brittany knew the two of them were much closer than Santana would ever let on.
She eased herself back into conversation with Mercedes and Tina, the three of them easily developing a rapport. When Tina confessed her feelings about wanting Mike to propose already and her sadness about it, Brittany found herself opening up about she and Santana's own breakup- figuring that information wasn't something that really needed to be a secret. She kept an eye on Santana as she moved around the room, slightly surprised when she ended up talking to their guy friends, thinking Santana would have avoided them or stuck close to Quinn. She didn't stare at her, but she always kept her more or less in her peripheral, reassured that if something happened, Santana or somebody else would call for Brittany. It was kind of nice, enjoying herself and knowing that Santana was also enjoying herself, all on her own.
Twenty or thirty minutes must have gone by, the whole time, Santana functioning on her own without seeming to need Brittany whatsoever. Brittany had moved on from their little circle on the couch and had drifted over to talk to Quinn, the two of them easily falling back into a deep conversation with each other. She missed Quinn more than she realized- the three of them had had such a complicated dynamic in high school - Santana and Quinn especially, but Brittany had found, similar to Santana, she'd always understood Quinn more than the others.
When she glanced over Quinn shoulder, she found Santana looking at her, vanishing into their bedroom a moment later. Brittany, for a moment, was confused- Santana didn't look panicked or upset, she looked...conflicted about something, confused almost. Obediently, Brittany touched Quinn on the arm before slipping passed her and following Santana into their bedroom, slipping in and shutting the door behind her. She opened her mouth to ask what was wrong but never got the words out- Santana turned around so fast, reaching for Brittany's hand. Her eyes were almost wild, like she was trying to make up her mind, a frenetic, unsure anticipation almost radiating off of her. Her words were equally as unpredictable, and Brittany felt shocked. "What?" She asked, incredulous. In a million years, she'd never seen it coming, but she knew better than to ever give Santana a yes or no answer. "Babe, what made you feel like this?" Brittany asked, tugging her by their joined hands to sit on their bed. "I don't think it's a bad idea, I just want to understand why," She added, not wanting to squash Santana's idea before she could even understand it fully..
Santana registered Brittany's confusion and didn't fail to take it in automatically as criticism or judgment. Her head dropped a little, her shoulders hunching in self defense, even as Brittany quickly explained that she didn't think it was a bad idea. Still, even as they sat on the bed, Brittany taking her hands, Santana was slow to answer- not just because she wasn't quite sure of what to say, but also because she still smarted from the shock on Brittany's face. Then again, it's not like she herself would have expected she could go from wanting to send everyone home to wanting to tell everyone something incredibly personal and painful.
Exhaling, she squeezed Brittany's hands, her thoughts jumbled and confused as she tried to piece together why, exactly, this impulse had struck.
"I just...they're our friends. I mean, they're a bunch of annoying idiots, but they're still our friends. We're supposed to be there for them or whatever, and we really haven't this year, because of everything. We've kind of just...kept to ourselves. And I know I wanted that, and they aren't like, mad at us or asking why or anything, but...I don't know, I sort of want them to know why? And...like, to know why I'm different but also that I'm not totally different?"
Santana hates the way her own voice sounds then, unsure, lifting up at the end of sentences. She huffs, rolling her eyes at her own self, before attempting to continue.
"I don't want to tell them everything. I don't even want them to talk to me about it or say they're sorry or anything, but I want them to know, I guess, because they tell me stuff. The important things. And this feels like an important thing. I don't know, maybe it's stupid. It's probably a really bad, stupid idea and I'm just spending too much time around the feel good crazy out there and it's making me think of stupid, sappy things."
She isn't loving how much she's saying the word stupid, over and over, unable to stop herself. It's a word she usually refuses to use or let Brittany use, but now she's so nervous about what she's talking about she can't seem to stop saying it.
Brittany, ever attuned to every single movement of Santana's body, registered the way she tensed at Brittany's questions, automatically fearing the worst and ready to rebuke Brittany's judgment. It was one of Brittany's least favorite things- that the world had made Santana this way, that her parents had made Santana this way, so quick to close off when anyone questioned her. Brittany didn't back down though, waiting patiently for Santana to explain it to her. "I don't know what's in your mind unless you tell me," She reminded softly, leaning back against their pillows as she played with Santana's fingers in her lap.
It was a conversation they'd had a hundred times, and probably would have a hundred more. So quickly, Santana got excited about something or made up her mind about something but felt defensive when the people around her- Brittany especially-weren't on board, even though everyone else had missed out on all the logic and reasoning Santana had thought through in her mind. Brittany knew that asking Santana to explain herself was something Santana took offensively, but Brittany asked anyway, wanting, as always, to understand.
She listened silently, nodding when appropriate, catching the uncertain, wobbly edge that Santana's voice had taken, squeezing her fingers when she paused. "Keep going," Brittany encouraged quietly, "I trust you, I want to understand too." She promised, reminding Santana she wasn't listening to judge her, but listening so that she could know the way Santana thought about it.
"I understand," She said finally, when Santana had concluded. "I think you can tell them as much as you want," Brittany decided, still holding onto Santana's hand. "But this is the first time you're actually telling someone- besides Kate, right?" She wondered, knowing that doctors had told Rachel and Kurt and Kurt had told Brittany. In a way, Brittany thought it was nice, Santana would have the opportunity to tell her story without any prompting, to people she'd chosen. "I love that you want to tell our friends," Brittany started, her mind snagging on something Santana had said, "But I just want to make sure you know that all we, all you can control is how you tell them, not how they react," She pointed out, wanting to prepare Santana for any outcome.
"They might be upset about it, or want to talk to you about it, or tell you they're sorry because they don't know what else to say," Brittany explained, thinking back to how she had no idea what to do or say. "And I want to make sure you're okay with that and it won't overwhelm you," She pointed out, saying, in not-so-many-words, that once Santana told them, it wasn't something that could be taken back. "But if they do feel upset or want to talk to you about it - it's because they love you," Brittany emphasized. She let Santana's frustrations at herself diffuse, not addressing them. "I don't think it's a bad idea babe, I think it might actually be nice for you to have people to talk to about it who aren't me," Brittany confessed, knowing Santana may never actually choose to talk about it with other people but still thinking it a good thing for her to have the option, especially with people who were not Rachel and Kurt. "I can help you," She promised, sitting up from the pillows so she could lean into Santana, pressing her forehead against her temple, wanting to both calm her and reassure her that 1) Brittany wasn't actively disagreeing with her and 2) it wouldn't be as nerve-wracking to tell them as Santana feared.
Santana's shoulders eased some of their carried tension as Brittany reminded her that she was listening, that she wanted to understand. Sometimes even with Brittany, it was easy to forget that she didn't have to be so watchful of others' judgments of her. As Brittany played with her hands, Santana unconsciously eased herself closer, giving the other woman's hands a squeeze back as Brittany encouraged her to keep voicing what was on her mind. Hearing Brittany's trust in her helped her trust her own thoughts a little more, enough to at least finish attempting to explain.
As Santana waited, almost holding her breath, for Brittany to respond, she gave a small, uncertain smile as Brittany told her she did understand. Listening to some of Brittany's gently expressed questions, Santana bit her lower lip, considering.
"I know I can't control how they react," she said quietly. "And I might hate how they react. But maybe…I don't know, I feel like maybe I should let them have the chance?"
Brittany's emphasis that no matter how they reacted, it was because they loved her, resonated in her thoughts, and Santana couldn't quite let that go. It helped, thinking that, knowing that Brittany believed it. It helped making the idea just a little less scary. Even if they were too loud or too suffocating, or too awkward or angry for Santana to be quite comfortable, thinking of it as being out of love for her made her feel a little more secure to consider the possible responses they would have.
"I think that helps," she admitted. "Thinking that they- love me."
She found the words hard to say out loud, because really, it was the first time that Santana had acknowledged out loud that anyone other than Brittany loved her. It was another step forward, even letting herself think it and believe it.
"Okay…" she breathed as she let herself rest against Brittany, wrapping her arms around her waist and leaning her body into hers. "So…I want them to know like, the broad basics but not any details. Do I just….say it and tell them I don't want them to say anything back? That I just want them to know?"
She let their conversation ebb and flow- knowing that Santana was thinking about what she was saying and weighing her options, considering the points that Brittany was making. When she did speak, Brittany was there to give her a comforting smile, nodding in agreement with Santana's admission. "It's not just thinking that they love you," Brittany pointed out instantly, "They do love you, it's just you realizing it," She confessed, reaching up to smooth the concentration lines on Santana's forehead. "They're not going to react in a bad way," She promised, "They just might have questions and want to talk to you, and I think you need to prepare yourself for that happening," Brittany explained, knowing that for Santana, the best thing for her mental and emotional wellbeing was preparing for a situation as much as possible. The difference in Santana when she was emotionally prepared for something and when she was not was remarkable, and Brittany tried to always let her know exactly what she should prepare for.
Wrapping her arms around Santana when she leaned into her, Brittany smoothed her hair, listening to Santana's back and forth about how to go about telling them. "I think we can make it more of a conversation than an announcement," She said, scratching her fingers through Santana's scalp as she considered what she said. "I think people might have questions and you should let them ask them. You can answer anything you want to and not answer anything you don't want to. I think we can tell people more details about our life now and not really details about what exactly happened," She clarified, knowing that it would probably help to know Santana was doing so well in every part of their life and how far she had come.
"I can help you," She murmured, knowing she'd likely have to step in to tell part of their story. It would be a big jump, broadening Santana's circle of people who knew by double, but in a way, she knew Santana was ready. She knew it would be nice to be able to embrace more of their friends back into their life, and for Santana to have support pillars that weren't Brittany, Rachel, or Kurt, especially since Santana had been close with so many members of the glee club. "We can sit on the couch and just talk to them," She shrugged, careful not to jostle Santana where she rested against her. "I think we should let them talk too," Brittany suggested, thinking of how helpful it would be for Santana to actually listen and hear how much she meant to everyone. "Do you want me to say it for you, or do you want to say it?" She asked, pushing Santana's hair off of her face.
Santana ducked her head against Brittany as Brittany reiterated that their friends definitely did love her, and her lips curved into a small, tentative smile. She leaned into Brittany's hand as Brittany rubbed her head, trying to let herself relax into her as she soaked in her touch.
She tried to imagine just how the others would try to talk to her, as Brittany held her more closely. She could imagine Puck getting angry and threatening to find and kill the man, and Sugar and Tina would probably cry. Mercedes, Mike, and Quinn would probably be serious and concerned, and she wasn't quite sure how Sam might react. As she thought about it, although it did feel a little overwhelming, it also felt more bearable as she thought through it.
"I can tell them that, right?" she puzzled aloud, practicing to herself how this might go. "Tell them...what happened, and that I'm working on things and I'm going to be okay. And that I just want them to know but I don't want to talk about some of it. And then if they say stuff I can just listen or I can tell them to stop."
It doesn't sound horrible. It sounds like she would have a little control, though not totally.
Lifting her head to look at Brittany, she considered again the option Brittany was presenting. "I think...I want to say it first," she said slowly. "And then I'll stop and let you answer the stuff they ask."
Brittany smiled to herself at the way Santana pushed her head against her hand, seeking her comfort, pressing herself into Brittany's warm solidity. Santana was so brave, so fearless all the time, but in moments of true courage and bravery, so she was so hesitant to trust herself and trust that she wanted to do something, that she could do the thing she so desired. And so she turned to Brittany, who was happy to reaffirm the strength Santana held in herself all along.
When Santana asked her what she could tell them, Brittany pulled back a little, searching with her free hand until she could find Santana's chin, tilting her head back to look up her, the side of her index finger anchored under Santana's chin. "San, you can tell them anything you want to," Brittany said, holding her gaze. "This is your story," She reminded, her thumb rubbing against Santana's bottom lip. She knew Santana didn't want to go out there and tell them every excruciating detail, but Brittany wanted her to know that if she wanted to, all of it was hers to tell. "You're in control of all of this, and everyone out there will listen to you and respect what you want," She assured her, because she knew it was true without even having to think about it. They were their friends, and they would hold space for Santana in the most respectful way, Brittany knew.
She nodded when Santana decided she wanted to be the one to say it first. She was impressed, but Santana constantly impressed her, choosing to be even braver than Brittany expected of her. "That sounds good," Brittany agreed easily. Letting Santana say it but then handing the uncertainty of questions over to Brittany was a good balance in Brittany's eyes, and she was happy to take on that role of quiet support. "Do you have any more questions for me about it?" Brittany wondered, still holding her gaze. "We can go out there and sit on the couch so it's not like, a presentation or something," Brittany promised, knowing that would make Santana feel most comfortable. "I'll get everyone's attention and then you can say what you want to say to them."
Another breath in and out, and Santana held Brittany's gaze, soaking up the comfort and feeling of steadiness it gave her when combined with her words and touch. She repeated the words Brittany spoke back to herself, reminding herself, trying to make them sink in. She was in control. She could tell them anything. It was her story, and they would listen and respect her. Heaven help them if they didn't- between Brittany, Kurt, and Rachel, they would all be verbally assaulted until their ears bled.
Smiling faintly at that mental image, Santana curled back into Brittany, gaining another boost of courage. Then she lifted her chin, bracing herself with their plan. "Okay. Let's go do this. I'm ready."
She wasn't actually sure of that, but then she probably would never feel truly okay about telling anyone, ever. This was her first step in trying.
Grasping Brittany's hand tightly, she stood, standing so close to her as they walked that they were nearly touching from the length of her thigh down to just above her knee. Only a few glanced up curiously as they reentered, seeming to have assumed they were making out in private from their knowing smirks, although Rachel didn't do well in hiding her concerned expression towards them.
Santana returned with Brittany to the couch by Tina and Mercedes, still squeezing her hand, sitting very close, but not climbing in her lap as she usually might. She wanted to push herself to be braver, stronger, and so although she kept her head down, shoulders tense, after Brittany got people's attention towards them, Santana lifted her eyes, letting them very briefly meet each gaze in the room before looking down again. She squeezed Brittany's hand hard as she spoke, the words low, halting, but not nearly as shaky as she had feared.
"I want...I want to tell you all about something that happened last year. Something that happened to me. I don't- I don't like to talk about it so Britt is going to do most of it for me, but I just want to say it and be done."
She heard Rachel gasp before Kurt loudly hushed her, and somehow the simultaneous urge to roll her eyes and smile at them made it a little easier to go on. She directed her eyes close to them as she continued.
"Last year...when I was working in a bar. Someone followed me into the bathroom and...he, he attacked me. He hurt me, and- " she swallowed, knuckles tight around Brittany's hand, and her jaw worked around the most difficult word of it before she managed to say it aloud. "He said he would, that he would...kill me. And he- he raped me."
It was out now. She went silent, shaking slightly, feeling light and strange and flooded with anxiety as she heard the various reactions of her friends. Gasps, muttered expletives, soft tears and murmurs. They weren't firing questions, they weren't diving forward to touch her, and although the concern and emotions felt like they were wrapped snug around her, it wasn't quite as scary as she had feared. It felt almost...good.
Giving in to her own need, she climbed onto Brittany's lap, pulling her arms around herself, and took another breath, head down. She was happy to let Brittany take over now.
Brittany took Santana's hand calmly, trying not to make it obvious that her heart was hammering around in her chest with nerves. In a way, the secret had become hers too, hers and Kurts and Rachels and even her parents. Their little world of people who knew was about to grow by a lot, and Brittany wondered how it would feel. She wondered-hoped- that Santana was ready for it, although, in her heart of hearts, she knew that she was. It'd been Santana's idea, after all, and Brittany was confident in Santana's trusting of their friends. Right before Brittany reached out to turn the door handle, she glanced to Santana, meeting her eyes again, conveying a whole lifetime's worth of love and strength to her in her one single glance before she turned the knob and they both stepped out into the living room.
The people who did notice them- Puck and Mercedes- mainly, were smirking, and when she met Rachel's eyes, she realized it wasn't just by chance- Rachel had been watching the door with concern. She gave her a gentle nod, signaling that everything was fine, tilting her head toward the couch, beckoning for her to follow them. She found that she was glad that Rachel and Kurt knew, that there were three of them in the room to help and bolster Santana. She kept Santana's hand in hers as they returned to the couch, Brittany sitting down next to Tina and tucking Santana in between her and the arm of the couch.
Brittany smiled at Tina and Mercedes, realizing they were looking at her curiously, looking at Santana curiously, before she turned her attention to the room. "Hey, guys? Can you come here for a second? Santana and I- Santana has to tell you something," She said, beckoning with her free hand as their friends came closer, Rachel hovering near the arm of the couch and Puck and Sam coming closer, leaning against the wall next to the TV where Quinn stood with Kurt. She felt Santana's grip on her hand tighten and she reached over with her free hand to steady Santana's bouncing knee, turning her head to speak against Santana's hair, where their friends couldn't see her lips moving or hear her. "Calm down, I love you," She hushed gently, briefly, before settling back into the cushions.
While Santana kept her gaze close to Rachel and Kurt, Brittany looked at everyone else in the room while Santana said the words out loud, voluntarily telling someone for the first time, speaking the words that the was choosing to share. She saw the way Puck and Sam's nostrils flared, the way Quinn pressed a hand over her mouth and turned her head away, and the way she heard Mercedes whimper from next to them on the couch. It was expelling of emotions, but not in a big, overwhelming way. It was understandable, how their friends felt overcome by this news, and Brittany understood how overwhelming it was to hear for the very first time. She sat silently, patiently, waiting for either Santana to offer more knowledge if she chose to or for one of their friends to ask something more.
"But- you just told me you guys had broken up last year," Tina pointed out, which was true, Brittany had just said that to them. Brittany nodded, looking at Tina as she felt Santana crawling into her lap, settling her weight against Brittany, her back to Brittany's chest. She slid her arms around Santana's waist securely, feeling her trembling gently in her hold. "We were- I mean, I wasn't there." She confessed, knowing she was shocking them even more, "Santana was living with Rachel and Kurt at the time- when it happened- and after a couple of weeks Kurt called me on tour, and I left Beyon- I left tour, and I moved back to New York." She explained.
In Brittany's lap, Santana burrowed herself into Brittany, resting her head against her shoulder and turning her body so she was partly facing her, her profile visible to the others. She tightened her arm around Brittany's waist, needing to ground herself with her, to feel more secure with her touch. As Brittany embraced her, Santana went quiet, still absorbing the reality of what she had just shared. Her body felt shaky with the aftermath of it, and her heart beat just a little too fast, her chest slightly short of breath. She tried to focus on Brittany's breathing, letting herself attempt to match it.
She had really just done this. She had told a whole room of people, all of their friends, what had happened to her. This had really just happened.
She was dimly aware of Tina asking about them having been broken up the year before, and tried to focus on Brittany's reply. As Brittany explained that she hadn't been there for her in the timing of her assault, Santana squeezed her waist, for Brittany's comfort as much of her own, not lifting her head. She didn't say anything, still more comfortable with letting Brittany address the others.
"But...if Kurt called- then Kurt knew? Kurt and Rachel?" Quinn pieced this together, turning back to look between the other two.
"What's his name?" Puck blurted, jaw clinched, hands balled into fists. "I'll take care of him. Just give me the name and he's gone."
"Noah, stop, she doesn't want to hear that," Rachel shushed. "She doesn't know his name, she doesn't know who he was. And yes, we knew- I was her emergency contact, they called me when it happened."
Looking over at Santana anxiously, she checked, "Is it okay that I told them that, Santana?"
She hadn't said anything out of line, certainly not anything as personal as what Santana herself had just said, and inwardly, if not outwardly, Santana smiled at her concern. She nodded her head slightly, letting her know it was okay as Kurt chimed in.
"Yes, we knew, but she didn't want us to say, and it wasn't our place to without her permission, of course. I only told Brittany because...well, Santana needed her. Things had, they had gotten pretty rough for a while."
Brittany gaze was focused upwards, on everyone else in the room, but she shifted Santana gently in her lap, tucking her closer, her arms wrapped around her, one of her hands rubbing up and down her thigh over her leggings, idly comforting her as she calmed from the aftermath of her confession. She could feel her tremble slightly, but didn't want to draw too much attention to her in her lap, knowing that all the eyes in the room were on them anyway. She drew Santana closer when Puck asked for his name, shaking her head slightly, opening her mouth to protest but silencing when Rachel said it first. She knew their guy friends would be angry, but she knew that them getting angry would only scare Santana, even if was for her own sake.
She settled back against the cushions as Rachel stepped in for them, answering Quinn's question about the technicalities of how Rachel and Kurt had come to know before Brittany had, letting the rest of the group know that Rachel and Kurt had been part of their circle all along. When Rachel double checked with Santana, Brittany glanced down to her briefly, not surprised that Santana was okay with it. She knew they'd discussed not wanting to say too much, but part of her thought that was partially because Santana was overwhelmed with the choice of what to say and what not to say.
Kurt came the closest to revealing the details of how bad it had been, but even then, he respectfully steered clear of the details or saying too much. When he met Brittany's eyes over Santana's head, seeking confirmation, she nodded - he'd done a great job, and Brittany was glad that the three of them could help fill in everyone's questions together. "Kurt called me last November," Brittany clarified, "I was in Munich, but I've been here ever since and I got this apartment pretty soon after and Santana started sleeping here," She said, edging around the night terrors that had plagued her at the loft and followed her to their apartment.
"We got back together officially after the holidays," She added, listing off details that were safe and weren't too closely related to the assault, centering the story mostly on their life together instead of what had brought them together in the first place.
Santana continued to listen as the three filled the others in. She was grateful when they avoided any overly intense details and Brittany steered the conversation back to the two of them. Shifting slightly, further calmed by Brittany's hand rubbing her legs, she let her head turn a little more towards the others, peeking at their expressions.
Mostly, everyone looked solemn, stricken, and empathetic. There was anger present too, but even Puck was keeping it in control, for her sake. Seeing how the very talkative, diverse personalities of their friends were all trying to be careful in their words, how they kept from crowding her or raising their voices, Santana felt her heart swell with love for them. It was becoming obvious to her that what Brittany had told her was true. They did genuinely care. They did love her. And she loved those losers too.
"I'm going to be okay," she spoke up suddenly, not quite having planned to do so. Her words were quiet, but didn't shake. "Or better, anyway. One day."
Brittany was surprised when Santana spoke up, her voice small, but smile, resting her chin on the top of Santana's head where her head was against Brittany's chest, looking up at their friends. Brittany knew what it was like to have this information spontaneously dumped on you without warning, and she had to admit their friends were doing amazing, way better than Brittany herself had done when she'd received the news. It was hard for her to even think about a time in her life where she didn't know about this news- a time before it had happened, before this pain had existed.
"How are you... what has it been like?" Mercedes asked, tears streaming silently down her face. Most of the girls were crying or, in Quinn's case, looked like they were trying very hard not to. "It's been...hard, but Santana's doing really well," Brittany said. "It was hard to find our footing in the beginning, but Santana's still in school and does all the same things she did before, we just...make some adjustments, now, if we need to," She said, aware that most people in the room didn't know just how vulnerable Santana had always been. For Brittany, reassurance had always been part of their relationship, and now, it just played a more prominent role.
"We don't really separate, but Santana has been getting better like- every day," Brittany said, bragging a little. "I know we've kept a low profile the past like -year, but a lot happened in such a small period of time," She confessed, referring to their breakup, Brittany's tour, and the assault. "For awhile we were just mostly staying at home with the exception of Santana's classes or dance, but now she can do more things," She nodded, twirling a strand of Santana's hair through her fingers.
Santana flinched a little, finding it hard to look at the other girls as they continued to absorb what they were telling them. It played at her, giving her some guilt to know that she had upset them- which was pretty odd, given that she had quite deliberately and viciously hurt all of them on a frequent basis, back in high school. Now, though, it was difficult to see them so sad, even for her, even put of empathy.
She continued to listen as Brittany explained simply and without detail how Santana had struggled but been improving. Kurt and Rachel looked at each other when Mercedes asked the question about just how it had been hard, but both obviously felt more comfortable letting Brittany take that on, tk Santana's relief. As good as they had been at mostly keeping their mouths shut, she didn't fully trust that to continue if one or both of them got stuck in an earnest babble in an effort to help.
But they too surprised her.
"She really is doing well," Rachel backed Brittany up. "Brittany has really helped, Santana has really made a lot of steps forward. We both can tell, can't we, Kurt?"
"We can," Kurt confirmed. "We don't live with her anymore, obviously, but it's obvious."
Was it really? That was news to Santana, that her progress was that clear to the two.
"And we're really proud of you, Santana," Rachel continued, her own voice cracking even as she smiled, brushing back tears. "Especially now."
Kurt nodded emphatically, affirming. Mercedes nodded too, sniffling, and then she spoke softly but sincerely.
"Thank you for telling us. We love you, Santana. And you too, Brittany. Of course."
And then everyone else was echoing this, a soft trickle of affirmed love for Santana and Brittany both. Even Quinn, whom Santana was pretty sure had never once actually verbally said that she loved her in the decade she had known her. Santana's body felt like it was being softened and embraced from all sides by the support they were giving, and although it felt wonderful, it was overwhelming. The only other time she could remember anything similar happening was when she had been outed in senior year and nearly forced to endure the group's songs to her, but the circumstances were so different now that they hit differently.
Eyes brimming, mostly with relief and gratitude, but some sadness to it as well, Santana turned fully back into Brittany, hiding her face in her familiar spot against her neck as she gave into soft tears. Hearing some of their friends murmur concern, wondering if they had said something wrong, Santana shook her head against Brittany's neck, wanting to reassure, but depending on Brittany to explain.
Brittany was all too happy to brag on Santana and how far she'd come - never numbing to how hard Santana's life had been and much she'd overcome and grown. Santana amazed her everyday, and that was something Brittany never wanted to change. She wanted to live her whole life like this, in this blissful state of wonder at just how powerful Santana really was. She smiled when Rachel jumped in, eager to compliment Santana, something Brittany was also pleasantly shocked at, because, at times, Rachel didn't like when the attention was being given to someone else. She realized, though, how grateful she was that Rachel had been there all along, even if Rachel and Kurt had made missteps along the way with how they handled Santana in certain moments. Hearing Rachel so eagerly praise Santana reaffirmed her belief that Rachel and Santana really were very close and Rachel's intentions really had been good all along.
The conversation had settled somewhat, after they'd shared the facts of how they'd gotten to that point, and their friends seemed to be coming to terms with the news each in their own ways. Keeping an arm wrapped around Santana', Brittany reached across Tina to squeeze Mercedes hand, giving her a little bit of comfort. It was nice, how delicately all of their friends were handling this- and to Brittany, it felt like a small victory for her. For so long, she felt like she was the only one who knew Santana, who knew to treat her gently and that she wasn't the mean bully that she seemed to be at first glance. Brittany had always felt like she'd been working against the tide of their friends who were so quick to dismiss Santana as a bitch, to dismiss her insults, not question her when she slept around or didn't eat anything at lunch. Brittany always felt like she'd been screaming but no one could hear her- if they could just hear her, if they would just look at her for more than a second, they'd see all the wonderful, raw, hurting parts of Santana that Brittany could see.
Now, Brittany knew that they could see. In a way, Brittany knew that what they'd just told their friends humanized Santana for them. She could see it in the way they looked at them, in the way they quietly expressed their concern and love for her, a love that had been there all along, Brittany knew. She heard Santana sniffle, adjusting her arms as Santana turned against her chest in her lap, helping her fit her hips against her and settle on her torso. Brittany didn't pay her much attention, helping her without even really having to look down- she was so used to Santana quietly tucking herself into Brittany when she needed too. She was about to open her mouth and say more when she heard Sam ask if Santana was alright, seeing concern on more than one face.
"Oh, yeah, she's fine," Brittany said, smoothing the wrinkles on the back of Santana's shirt and smoothing her hair gently. "She's overwhelmed, that's all," She explained gently. "Before this, only like, five," She paused, mentally counting, "People really knew besides us two. Kurt, Rachel, my parents, and our therapist," She said, ticking off the list of people, deciding to include Kate because Brittany firmly believed that wasn't a fact that Santana needed to hide, intentionally calling her their therapist. "Santana also hasn't really ever like, told anyone, or wanted to. The doctors told Kurt and Rachel, Kurt told me, I told my parents the general details because we were staying with them, and Santana told Kate, but I sort of made her," Brittany confessed. "She didn't- she didn't even plan to tell you guys today, but she wanted too," Brittany explained, rubbing Santana's back in soft, heavy strokes, knowing she just needed a minute to emotionally reset in her safe place.
Santana adjusted herself against Brittany as she preferred, letting her body relax into her as Brittany stroked her back and hair. She wasn't too overwhelmed to be unable to listen as their friends indicated concern for her showing of emotion, and she was again relieved when Brittany took over explaining for her that she was actually okay, that she just needed some time. It was something that Rachel and Kurt had grown slightly more used to, but even without looking at them, she could tell that they still found it hard not to say something, not to try to stop her or interfere.
Kurtchel. At least they were learning.
As Brittany continued to explain that Santana had never really told anyone but Kate before, and then only under duress- and in fact, only at first through writing- Santana's crying slowed and then stopped. She could feel everyone's eyes on her, but it felt softer than it normally might when people were staring, less invasive. Still, she remained in her mostly hidden position against Brittany as she continued to regulate herself.
"Wow," she heard Quinn murmur in response to Brittany's confession. "Wow, that's...that was really brave. Telling us. Truly, Santana."
Quinn wasn't a person to lightly give praise to anyone if it wasn't in some kind of effort to project an image, manipulate, or in a moment of unusual vulnerability. Certainly not with Santana. For her to say genuinely to Santana that she thought she was brave was huge for her, huge for Santana to hear, and she smiled a little, turning her head partly.
As good as it was to have this support, though, Santana was beginning to be hit with a strong wave of exhaustion, perhaps as a result of her release both of words and emotional energy. Her body going limp and heavy against Brittany, she murmured against her, too quiet for most to probably be able to hear.
"I'm really tired. I know this is our party, but... is it stupid if I go lay down?"
As she spoke, Brittany continued to touch Santana, rubbing her back, adjusting her hair but otherwise not really paying attention to her. She knew Santana was paying attention to them, but they'd done this one hundred times, a dance they'd both perfected. She was trying to pull attention from Santana, even if only for a few minutes, to let her close her eyes and not have to feel like everyone was looking at her or expecting her to speak. Brittany, for the most part, was happy to carry the conversation, nodding in agreement when Quinn acknowledged Santana's bravery. Quinn had always had very different relationships with both Santana and Brittany - something that, at times, was the reason Brittany and Quinn weren't as close as they had the potential to be. Brittany always, always sided with Santana, unless Santana was being mean, which was rare, and always wished there was a better understanding among the three of them. Now, it seemed, there was.
She never would've guessed that Santana being assaulted would be the catalyst for leveling the rocky relationship between the two of them, but it felt nice, and she felt Santana's head turn against her neck at Quinn's words, knowing they probably meant even more to Santana than they did to Brittany.
"Thanks Quinn," Brittany said softly, even though the praise wasn't directed at her. She nodded in agreement with what a few other friends were saying, all agreeing that Santana had been incredibly brave and that they were glad to be let in on the secret. "I'm glad too," Brittany confessed, brushing her fingers back through Santana's hair. "Our world was so small for so long," She admitted, "It was best that way, for us then. We needed it to be small to even survive," She said plainly, because it was true. Once upon a time, Brittany knew a gathering of this size, even of their friends, would've set Santana off, even the thought of their male friends in their apartment would've been too much.
"Now it's a good thing that it's bigger," Brittany said confidently, knowing that Santana being able to seek support and receive validation in their friends was good for her, especially since she was more receptive to inviting "safe" people into their lives again. When Santana spoke, muffled against her neck, Brittany turned her head down towards her, brushing some of their hair off of her face. "No, Babe, you can. Do you want me to go with you for a few minutes?" She whispered, pressing a kiss to Santana's hair.
Eyes partly closed, Santana let herself remain loose and relaxed into Brittany, the weight of her weariness lending heaviness to her limbs. She could feel her heartbeat slowing down further at Brittany's soothing touches, but even though she was calmer, she was still listening closely to the others talking around her. Listening to Brittany, she realized how difficult it must have been for her, mostly struggling through Santana's anxiety and depression, her specific needs for routine and security and a familiar, comforting world, without anyone else to help very often or consistently. Sure, others were aware and supportive, but when it came down to being there, moment to moment, day to day, it had come down to Santana and Brittany together, making it through.
Thinking of this, she realized with a new rush of love and gratitude for Brittany just how much of Brittany's life had been changed and put on hold to better accommodate her, how she had never complained or seemed to mind. Brittany had been incredible, more than she could have ever wanted or hoped for from any other person, and Santana felt further sense of satisfaction at her decision to tell their friends. It was time for Brittany to be able to talk to other people about how she felt and receive some of the same support she had given so easily to Santana, if she needed it herself. It was time for her to have back some of the social life Santana's anxiety had taken from her.
When Brittany validated that it would be okay for Santana to go lay down, offering to go with her if Santana wanted, Santana hesitated, meeting her eyes. Truthfully, she did want Brittany to go with her. But she also felt like it would be weird or rude, after all the support and kindness everyone had just shown, to pull away from the party and take Brittany with her. And what if Brittany wanted or needed to stay and talk more for her own sake?
"You don't have to," she told her. "You can stay if you want."
The weight of Santana on her chest was warm, solid, and comforting, and Brittany truly felt like she was in heaven, surrounded by their friends, Santana safe and relaxed in her lap. She met Rachel's eyes over Santana's head, silently mouthing a "thank you" that was much more than just a thank you for bringing all their friends together. It was a thank you for all that Rachel had done for them, even Brittany hadn't even been there and Santana had needed someone - Rachel and Kurt stepped up in a way that would leave Brittany grateful to them forever.
"How are you?"
Brittany registered someone tapping her knee and realized it was Tina, turning her head toward her as she acknowledged the question. How was she? It took Brittany a few seconds to answer it, aware that more than just Tina's eyes were on her, realizing Quinn and Mercedes were also looking at her, expectantly. Also, even more than that, she knew Santana was still awake and listening to her, probably extra-carefully now that she'd heard Tina ask.
"I'm fine," Brittany said, blinking. She would've shrugged, if not for Santana resting her head on her shoulder, not wanting to jostle her. "I'm glad I came back," She explained, playing with the hem of Santana's shirt in her hands. She thought about the question briefly, wondering if she shouldn't be fine. But thinking about it more, she realized she was. "It's easy." Taking care of Santana didn't take very much at all, at least, not for her, she even liked it, being able to help Santana and make her feel better and being the one who knew exactly what to do to fix it.
"I just love her," She said simply, as if that explained everything, because it did. Nothing Santana needed was too much for Brittany, because she loved Santana, and that was that. She never questioned leaving tour, coming home, coming back to Santana. Because even if Santana had wanted nothing to do with her, she would've never stopped trying. And when Santana had reached for her that day in the loft, their fates were sealed, Brittany realized.
When Santana responded to her, pulling her head back so she could look Brittany in the eye, Brittany caught the swift beat of hesitation amid the other conversations that had picked up around them. She nodded at Santana's statement, knowing Santana was saying if for her and also saying it because she meant it.
"I'll just come in and help you get settled," She said softly, her hands on Santana's waist to help balance her. She knew Santana would've been fine if she didn't go with her, but she wanted to, as much for Santana's sake as her own. "Santana's going to lay down for a second- she's okay, she's just tired," Brittany announced to their friends, her hand on the small of Santana's back as she guided her back down the hall.
Once inside their room, Brittany made sure the door was shut before she tugged down the covers for Santana, patting the sheet for her. Patient, she waited until Santana had lain down before she pulled them up and over her, sitting on the edge of the bed. "How do you feel after doing that?" She asked gently, brushing Santana's hair back from her face gently, wanting to check in with her privately after being in front of all their friends.
Rachel's eyes softened with warmth and appreciation for Brittany's expression of thanks, and she smiled brightly back at her, nodding her acceptance. Rachel had always been a person who needed approval and validation, and receiving it now from Brittany for her efforts made her whole face light up. She directed her smile around the room, finally resting it upon Santana, although Santana wasn't looking at her. If she had been, Santana would have been surprised to realize that the girl she had spent most of their friendship before the last year needling over her appearance and style looked beautiful to her then.
Catching Tina's question to Brittany, Santana did listen closely, although not looking up. It was a question she realized with a flicker of shame that she rarely asked Brittany the same question. Was she too self centered that she just assumed Brittany was okay, because she usually seemed that way to Santana? What if she was just putting on an okay face for her benefit?
But Brittany was always honest, and she was relieved to hear her answer genuinely that she was okay, that she was happy she came back. That taking care of Santana, being with Santana, was easy. Santana was well aware that no one except maybe Brittany's parents had ever agreed with that, and she smiled to herself, newly feeling love for her that Brittany still felt this.
As Brittany helped her up, supporting her to their room and helping her into bed, Santana reached up for her hand, holding it against her cheek and pressing a kiss to it softly. She exhaled, meeting Brittany's eyes as she considered her question.
"I feel...good," she said honestly. "Better. Like there's no more secrets. And I don't have to be as careful. But I'm tired too. They're being like, very restrained for Glee and it's great, but it's still a lot."
She could hear the soft murmur of renewed conversations and tried not to listen too closely. She knew it wasn't her business what they said anymore.
Brittany let Santana hold her hand, smiling when she kissed it. Cupping Santana's face in her hand, she brushed her thumb under Santana's eye, against her cheekbone lovingly, soothingly. She loved seeing Santana this way- Santana wasn't agitated or upset, she was calm, steady. She recognized when she needed to step away from the crowd and she'd done it. Brittany still wanted to make sure she was okay after her huge revelation of telling so many people, but she could already see that Santana was glad for her decision about telling their friends.
She nodded at her answer, also feeling the same feeling of being lighter, since they no longer had to keep Santana's biggest secret from their friends. "That was a big deal," Brittany acknowledged. "You just told way more people than you thought you would, and even still, it's much more people than you interact with on a daily basis." She said, rubbing Santana's legs over the blanket with her other hand. "I'm glad you listened to yourself to want to come in here," Brittany pointed out, knowing if Santana had stayed out there and continued to be overstimulated, the chances of something making her upset would've been much more likely.
Leaning down, she moved her hand so that she could press a kiss to Santana's mouth, resting her body on top of hers. "I love you and I'm proud of you," She said plainly before kissing her again, long, soft, and slow. "Are you okay to stay in here alone?" Brittany asked as she sat up, tucking her own hair behind her ear. Santana was calm and okay, but she wanted to be sure she was okay and that she could get the rest she needed after being with their friends for a few hours.
Santana's eyes grew heavy as Brittany stroked her face, a slight smile curving her lips. She nodded again as Brittany told her that she was proud of her for listening to herself, emphasizing her understanding of what a big step Santana had taken. It truly was, and with the space to herself to think about it now, Santana could hardly believe she had actually done it.
It was already big to attend a party with people she hadn't seen in a long time, when it was unplanned. Then to separate from Brittany to talk. Hugging everyone, including the guys, those were all new and brave steps. But actually telling them about the rape was like stepping into nearly another life.
Santana kissed Brittany back gently as she lay over her, closing her eyes, breathing in her scent and savoring the weight of her over her own body. When Brittany sat back up, Santana nodded in response to her question, her eyes starting to slide closed.
"Yeah...I'm okay. Love you."
She is drifting off even before Brittany is out of the room.