I give up on saying when I'll update this. Literally here to update because my depression and anxiety have been kicking my ass and I want to transport myself back to a simpler time when Degrassi ships being endgame was my biggest stressor.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. Awesome. Wow.

Chapter One Hundred Seventy-Seven

The Right Kind of Wrong

Clare drove home, fearing that Eli thought she intentionally kept speed dating from him. The very last thing she wanted was for him to believe their newest pact of honesty did not mean anything to her, that history would repeat itself. She considered calling him or Adam to track down his whereabouts, but talked herself out of it. If Eli was angry or hurt, she knew it would be best to give him time.

Text me when you get home, was what she settled on after debating how to reach out to him while not invading his space. Hoping he was not working himself up, Clare changed into more casual clothes – a thin, gray jacket over a yellow tank top, denim shorts, and flip-flops – and washed her face of any makeup before taking residence in the kitchen.

The hours moved by slower and slower the more Clare waited. She tried to read, review information for university, and check all social media to speed up time to no avail. A little after seven, a notification alert finally went off that caused Clare to seize her phone from its charger.

Home. What's up?

Clare sighed, wishing she had used the free time to form an explanation. Only half aware of what she was doing, she resolved to talk everything out with Eli face-to-face. She headed out the door into a humid summer's evening as fast as her legs would allow her in flip-flops.

"You know how Alyson can be," she rehearsed as she started her car. "She likes to stir up stuff. I went speed dating but…but…"

Clare searched for words as she began to drive. She kept trying to form sentences the entire time, none of them coming out satisfactorily.

"Yes, I went speed dating, but I was still angry with you and...no, that sounds harsh. Okay…phew…Eli, we were not together so I thought…ugh!"

Heavy rain suddenly began pounding on the roof of Clare's car when she made a turn down Eli's street. She selected her attire for the afternoon with the weatherman's promise of humidity and only a sprinkle of rain. This was deemed a lie as the precipitation made her clothing choice erroneous and erased the roads from sight. To her relief, she parked the car safely in front of the Goldsworthy's house before the possibility of driving became too hazardous.

Turning off the car, Clare took in a giant breath. She had lost some of her nerve on the short drive over, but quickly collected it. She needed to talk to Eli, even if it meant facing nerves – not to mention the unexpected downpour – first. Aware that it would do little to no good protecting her head from the rain, she pulled on the flimsy hood of her jacket and braced herself.

Warm rain and sticky air surrounded her to her the second she stepped out of her car. By the time she made her first knock at the door, wet fabric clung to her flesh. However, she did not pay them mind as she waited on the doorstep. Talking to Eli was her only focus. Clare contemplated knocking again when Eli opened the door. His expression morphed from surprise to concern upon seeing her being smothered by raindrops.

"Oh my God, Clare," he said. He had heard the rain, but did not expect it to be coming down so hard that it could drench someone from – literally – head to toe.

"We need to talk about what happened earlier," she insisted urgently. Eli ushered her in as she continued to speak.

"Are you okay?" he asked, glancing at her soaked clothes and hair.

"I can explain about the whole speed dating thing," she promised him, speaking quickly. "Caleb and I went because Alli and Jenna thought meeting new people would be the best way for me to get over you."

"Do you want to borrow some clothes? Or a towel or something?" asked Eli, quickly looking through the coat closet for some old beach towels.

"Will you listen to me, please?" beseeched Clare. "I never went on a date, and I have zero interest in dating Caleb. I don't know why Alyson is so fixated on why he and I should be together."

Eli turned back to her silently with a large, red and white-striped beach towel in his hand. He extended it out to her, but she did not take notice of it. Her full intention was to squash any negative thought that could have manifested in Eli's head over the last few hours. She hardly cared that what she said was coming out as word vomit.

"Also, I never did anything with any of the guys I met at speed dating. There was never anything between me or anyone else. I admit that Jenna told one server at a restaurant to give me his number once, but I never called him. I'm pretty sure I threw it out, and I'm literally just now remembering it."

She paused to observe Eli. It was difficult to read him. He did not seem mad, nor did he seem understanding. He just stood there quietly, his apathetic eyes looking in to Clare's.

"Eli, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's not something I think about. I promise I wasn't hiding it from you and I was never interested in anyone else while we were apart."

"It's okay if you were," he said, and Clare was relieved that he had actually tuned in to the conversation. "We were broken up for a decent period of time."

"I wasn't," she repeated. "I wasn't interested in anybody."

"Okay," said Eli, a ghost of a grin perking at his lips.

"What we had was intense and magical," she told him. "Above all, it was special. I couldn't just replace that – or substitute it – even if I wanted to. And I get it if you're mad at me, just tell me if you are so I –."

"Clare," he said. He took her hand, which caused her to become silent instantly. She looked at his soft eyes. "Calm down."

Taken aback by how calm he was, Clare gaped slightly in surprise as he released her hand and threw the towel around her shoulders.

"You're not mad?"

"Of course not," he eased her.

"But…I saw how you looked when Alyson was done talking. You looked furious."

"Not gonna lie, I was annoyed at her for stirring stuff up and I just wanted her to leave. But she just kept going and going, so I had to remove myself from the situation."

"I don't blame you for that. So, you're not even mad that I didn't tell you about going speed dating?"

Eli shrugged.

"It's not exactly relevant…however –."

Clare gritted her teeth as her heart sank, preparing for the anger she had been expecting.

"I very much would like to hear that story in full one day," he concluded.

He was grinning, he was amused. Clare felt her face relax and she let out an exhale to accompany it.

"But I'm sorry for making you think I was mad at you when I left," Eli continued. "I feel bad for rushing out of there and leaving you to deal with Alyson."

Clare stood there, shocked. Eli used to be fearful of Clare being whisked off her feet by strangers, now he was calm.

"Um…so…we're good then?"

"I'm dandy. You, on the other hand…"

He gestured up and down her body. Clare chuckled, becoming extremely aware of how sticky and unpleasant her clothes had become.

"If you're okay hanging out for a bit, I'll throw your clothes in the dryer," he offered.

"You're a saint," said Clare gratefully.

"Okay. I'll give you a change of clothes if you want to come up to my room really quick."

Clare kicked off her sopping flip-flops before following Eli. Within seconds, they were in his room. Seeing the familiar walls and furniture was like travelling back in time. It had been ages since Clare had been there. Many of the boxes he had brought back from Ottawa remained unpacked while some knickknacks were returned to their rightful place. Clare saw the new edition of a guitar case leaning beside his window. While Clare kept observing, Eli pulled out a black shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants from his drawers.

"Want some coffee or anything?" he asked as he handed her the clothes.

"Coffee sounds great," she agreed.

Eli excused himself from the room. Clare pulled on the clothes and felt a familiar sense of comfort. Eli's scent still lingered in the fabric, soothing her. Being in his clothes in his room transported her back to last summer when they spent every moment possible together, most of them being full of happiness. She smiled and felt her heart pang as she thought of how unstoppable they believed to be…before the long-distance relationship tested and broke them…broke Eli…

Clare breathed deeply to not allow her thoughts to take that wicked turn. Eli was downstairs, getting help, and not mad at her in this moment. After drying the ends of her hair, she gathered her clothes in the towel Eli gave her. She returned to the living room where Eli was setting down two steaming cups on the coffee table.

"Better?" he asked, grinning at her.

"So much better," she answered as he took the towel and clothes from her. "Thank you."

"Anytime. Get comfy, I'll be right back."

Clare sat herself on the couch, her back against one of the arms with her legs bent and her coffee cup cradled in her hands. Eli returned a moment later, sitting on the opposite end with his coffee.

"So, tell me all about speed dating," he teased with a smile.

"No-o-o," groaned Clare, her face flushing red.

"Come on, it couldn't have been that bad."

"I didn't have a good time. That's all I can say."

"You're telling me not one person caught your eye?"

Clare rolled her eyes, trying to recall if anyone did have such an effect. Her mind wandered to the one person she spoke to before deciding it was too soon for her to date again.

"The last guy I talked to was a real schmoozer," she confessed. "But he seemed nice."

"You could've given him a shot," admitted Eli, silently glad that he did not live in a parallel universe where Clare did go on a date with this guy.

Clare shrugged.

"We'll never know. I tried but, in the end, I wasn't ready to get back out there. And if I was, I could've ended up on a date going white water rafting."

"Just say the word and we can give it a go."

Clare chuckled, "That's a bit too adventurous of a date idea for me."

"Fair," agreed Eli.

"Now that my dirty laundry is aired, do you have any stories about dates you had after we split up?"

"Nada," answered Eli.

"You're telling me that no one ever made a move on you or was on your radar the entire time you were in Ottawa."

Clare, regretting having asked, looked down at her undrunk coffee and prayed that Eli would not give an answer she did not want to hear.

"Well, there was one person who was on my radar…but I had to leave her back home."

Clare's cheeks flushed with heat and pink. She took a sip of coffee before daring herself to look back up at Eli. Being this close to him at her most comfortable in his clothes reminded her so much of the old times. As she sat a foot away from him, she was reminded of how she yearned to take a step in their physical relationship. She took a deeper drink of coffee to compose herself, knowing Eli would not necessarily be on the same page. Just because she was ready to take on more physical aspects did not mean he was in a safe enough mindset to agree.

"I know it hasn't even been a week, but how do you feel about us?" she asked, believing this would be the best way to ease in to deeper subject matter.

The corners of Eli's mouth perked up at the question, causing butterflies to flutter in Clare's chest.

"I've really enjoyed seeing you and spending time with you."

"Me too," smiled Clare. "And my feelings are still here."

"Mine too."

Clare, wanting all barriers to go down, felt that her desires were being affirmed as Eli spoke.

"There are a few things on my mind," he confessed.

"Like what?" she asked seriously, setting her coffee down on the table.

Eli, who also put down his coffee mug, let out a sigh before looking seriously at Clare.

"Alyson may be right."

"Right," scoffed Clare. "The day she's right about anything will be the day hell freezes over."

"No, she did bring up a good point today."

"And what is that?" she countered.

The butterflies died in Clare as she saw Eli rub his hands in contemplation as he chose his words. She should have known that any hope of discussing any next step in their relationship would be dashed the second Alyson's name was spoken.

"I want to be with you," said Eli. "But I don't want to deprive you of any university experiences or chances to meet new people."

"You won't," insisted Clare.

"Hear me out. You're going to university, so you're going to meet different guys. At the very least you should allow yourself to go mingle and try new things."

"I can do that and still be with you," she disagreed.

"You'll limit yourself."

"Or I can try new things and bring you along. Or I can go with friends."

"It just seems that Alyson really cares about this. Maybe this is her strange way of looking out for you."

Clare huffed as she sat up straight on the couch and leaned forward so she could look deeper into Eli's eyes.

"We've always known Alyson does not like you. The bottom line is that she does not want us dating, and what she said today was just a scheme to stop that from happening and we both know it."

"Maybe," admitted Eli, "but it doesn't make what she said wrong either."

"Do you want me to date other guys?" Clare laughed dryly.

"This isn't about what I want."

"Okay, if this is about what I want then I don't want to date anyone different."

"But maybe you should," he insisted. "At least not tie yourself down to one person."

Clare rolled her eyes.

"Look, if I'm not going to date you, then I'm staying single and focusing on university. I am not going to go out of my way to date."

"Then maybe you need to just focus on school and not turn down anyone that does come your way."

"You're making it sound like you want me to stay single."

"I just want you to be happy."

"You make me happy," emphasized Clare. She did not miss the small hint of pink in Eli's cheeks. Confident she could get through to him, she continued. "And I will talk to you if I ever feel overwhelmed by a relationship and school. But that is up to us to work out."

There was silence, and Clare hoped that meant all of Eli's questions were satisfied. She did not want to spend more time battling against thoughts that were placed by Alyson.

"Okay," Eli then accepted, a full smile on his face.

"For the record, never think Alyson has my best interest at heart. If I took her advice and started speed dating on a regular basis, she would start saying I was desperate for a man within a month. She will never be satisfied with whatever decisions I make."

"Unless you date Caleb," jested Eli.

"Not gonna happen," she barked with a laugh. "Now promise me you're going to stop letting Alyson stress you out about us."

"I'm not promising that, but I'll try."

Clare nodded, accepting that this would not be the end of Alyson's meddling therefore not the end of the drama that will come of it.

"It's sounding really nasty out there," Eli observed after hearing a clap of thunder and more rain hitting the windows.

"Yeah," sighed Clare, not looking forward to driving in such weather. She had driven in thunderstorms before, but the thought of doing it at night made her a bit more nervous.

"If it doesn't clear up, you're welcome to stay here," invited Eli. "You can sleep upstairs and I'll take the couch."

Clare felt warm, yet lonely. She was keen about staying in the same house as Eli. All she wanted, however, was for it to be the summer before again. If there would have been a storm, they would have curled up in the same bed. They probably would have put on a movie, or lied in each other's arms as they listened to the storm go by. Clare would have confessed to him how she thought thunderstorms as angels bowling when she was a little girl. Eventually, as the nights at Eli's always did, the two would kiss passionately and enjoy a moment of intimacy before falling asleep next to each other.

That was what she wanted. She yearned for him to be there in the bed with her, for their bodies to touch, for their lips to dance…

Clare was not even aware of her movements. It was only when her lips were on Eli's that a sense of awareness returned. For a split instant that could have lasted forever, everything felt perfect, as they should have been. His lips were familiarly warm, delivered all the comfort she could have dream of, and tasted exactly the same. Just as she began to become reaccustomed to the feeling of kissing Eli, she realized the line she had crossed. Horrified, she pulled away and stood up from the couch.

"I'm so sorry," she said hurriedly. "I-I shouldn't have done that."

Angered that she allowed all self-control to go out the window, Clare covered her face with her hands. While embarrassed and ashamed, she additionally did not want to see Eli or any of the bemused expressions he could have been wearing. Deprived of sight, she became more aware of the ruckus the storm was causing. In hand, she felt her stomach lurch as Eli did not speak or, based on absence of the couch squeaking, move.

The room began to suffocate her. All desires she had to stay in the house as long as possible fled when her embarrassment invaded ruthlessly. Clare lowered her hands, but kept her eyes on the floor. With only peripheral vision guiding her, she began walking towards the front door.

"Clare, wait."

She stopped with her hand on the doorknob at Eli's voice. When he spoke, she remembered that there was a storm outside that she was unprepared to drive in, she was wearing Eli's clothes and nothing on her feet, and her keys and wallet were on his bed. Trapped, Clare turned back in Eli's direction. She did not look at him, however, and focused on the lines of the hardwood floor.

"Please don't be mad."

"You think I'd be mad about you kissing me after all this time?" assured Eli, hoping to catch her eye as he walked towards her. His wish was granted as she folded her arms and looked back up at him. Her cheeks still blazed red.

"It's okay," he promised. He wore a small smile and his eyes shone with kindness, but Clare shook her head with indignity.

"I don't know what came over me," she defended quickly. "That's not true, I do know. The dates we had have been wonderful and everything between us just feels like how it used to be, and I've wanted to do that since we went on our coffee date, so it's all the emotions in the moment just coming to the forefront and I just could not keep them in…"

She took in a quick breath, Eli nodding with understanding all the time. Seeing him be so patient and calm, she hurriedly collected herself. "But that doesn't matter. We agreed to take things slow. I was just being…inappropriate and insensitive."

"I wouldn't go that far," comforted Eli. "Like you said, it was just heat of the moment."

Clare released her breath in relief. Nothing she did triggered Eli, which was a fear that plagued her occasionally. She gingerly kept her eyes on Eli, waiting for him to break the silence now that she did not know how.

"Seriously, Clare, it's fine," he promised with a smile.

"Thanks," she said softly.

"We just can't let it happen again for a bit," stated Eli.

Clare's assurance shattered. Her fears from a couple nights before were confirmed. Eli would not be on board with them advancing their physical relationship. She wished she brought it up in conversation, or took the small leap to take his hand instead of throwing herself headfirst into deeper territory by kissing him. Maybe he would have been just fine with holding hands. Embarrassed and now conflicted, Clare looked back down at the floor and pulled her arms closer to her.

"Right," she said, surprised her voice came out croaky. She cleared her throat, hoping to sound more confident. "You're right."

"Isn't that what we said?" he reminded her, confused on why she was putting herself in a shell.

"No, it is…but I…I was going to ask if you wanted…"

Clare let her thought trail off, too mortified by what she had done to believe she deserved to speak.

"I thought you wanted to take things slow," recalled Eli.

"I do…or I did…I just…"

She buried her head in her hands.

"It's me," she heard him say. "You can talk to me about anything. Just take your time."

Clare released a sigh before begrudgingly lowering her hands.

"Can we talk about this later?" she asked, speaking louder as thunder drowned out her words.

"Um…okay," he said, although internally he was disgruntled. How could she just kiss him and leave it at that? "You're still welcome to stay the night," he offered. "Unless you think you're good to drive home."

Clare shook her head, "It's probably best that I go home."

"Okay," he said, albeit nervously. "Let me check on your clothes."

Within minutes, Clare was back in her original clothes and had her keys and purse in hand. Eli gave her one of his sturdier hoodies to keep the rain from drenching her again. Grateful, she pulled it on before sliding on her flip-flops.

"Clare," he said distinctly. She looked at him, but could not bring herself to look directly at his eyes. "Even with what just happened, I'm still fine with taking things slow if you are."

Clare nodded her head. She wanted to say "I don't want to take things slow anymore," but resisted. "Goodnight," was all she could muster.

"Goodnight," he replied before opening the door for her. "Text me when you get home? So I know you're safe?"

"Sure," she agreed as she stepped back out into the night, cutting off the urge to kiss him goodbye before it could crop up again. Eli stood in the doorway until she was back in her car. She huffed at herself, wishing she could just say what was in her heart without being afraid of rejection. Yet she resolved that it would be in the best interest of their relationship to keep going slow. After all, she would not know how to bear it if they jumped back in only for it all to fall apart again.

But she wanted to jump back in. She wanted Eli to be hers again. She wanted it all despite the risk.

Confused as ever, Clare drove back home with the storm keeping her company.

"I can't help it if I'm helpless every time that I'm where you are"

~ "The Right Kind of Wrong" by LeAnn Rimes

Once upon a time I wrote a scene like this as a fluff piece, but decided I wanted it in this story so here it is, albeit edited to heck.

The longer this gets the more I want to go through and revise it all. I'd take out a lot of fluff, scrap storylines that I started but did not think through, edit some continuity issues, and flesh out things that deserved more attention. If I did this and published it separately, would that be something you guys would be interested in seeing? Let me know. Thanks for reading if you're still here.