17

Bella felt like she was suffocating as she sat inside the small bedroom on the third floor. Even her music hadn't been able to satiate the anxiousness that welled up inside her. Unable to take the four walls any longer, she scrambled off the bed and crossed the room. She cracked the door open and peeked out, making sure he wasn't sitting outside her door. She wasn't sure if she was happy or disappointed that Edward wasn't sitting vigil for her, feelings that didn't make any sense to her.

She slipped out of her room and slowly made her way downstairs, across the living room and out onto the front porch, wrapping her arms around one of the white wooden pillars that lined the porch. The cool morning air felt amazing against her fervid skin, though she still couldn't shake the anxiousness that crept inside her.

The images of what she and Edward had gone through invaded her mind, though she tried to drown them out with her music. She wasn't naïve, of course. Charlie had always told her about the monsters in the world that preyed on little girls like her, boys like Edward. She just thought he was being protective, and she guessed he was, in his own way, but the hands she'd always felt on her body had been because of real monsters, ones that had hurt her. How could they have touched them like that? They were babies and these men put their hands on them. It was enough to send her into a spiral of shame and disgust, which she had to keep locked away inside. They already looked at her like she was losing her mind.

Bella was startled when she heard the door open behind her and when she looked back, she found Alice watching her. She hadn't understood why the woman hated her so much. Even Edward's explanation wasn't good enough in her opinion. She hadn't asked to be in this position, neither of them had, had they?

"What do you want?" she asked, turning away from the small, black haired woman.

"Just making sure you aren't running away."

Rolling her eyes, Bella looked away. "Don't worry. I'm not running anywhere. I don't have anywhere else to go, so you don't have to babysit me."

"Don't we?" she asked, and when Bella heard the door shut, she looked behind her and saw Alice leaning against the front of the cabin. "You think I'm a bitch."

"I do," she admitted, shifting so she was leaning on the pillar. "You think I'm a spoiled, arrogant prima donna, that I expect special treatment just because I happen to be famous."

"Do you?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

"No."

Alice scoffed and shook her head.

"I don't, Alice. I just . . ." Bella pushed away from the pillar and walked over to one of the chairs, sitting with her knees pulled up in front of her. "I hate all this attention. I wish . . . I wish people wouldn't look at me with so much expectation, demanding so much from me. It's overwhelming and exhausting."

"Then why do you do it?"

"Because I want my music to be heard, and that's the only way for it to happen."

Alice walked over and sat in the chair next to her. "It's not that I don't like you. I don't particularly care about you, but it's . . . I worry about him. Like all the time."

Bella nodded.

"They used to bully him. The kids at school, I mean. They called him a crybaby, they'd steal his lunch, pour milk over his head, get so close that even though they weren't touching him, he'd have major panic attacks, Bella, and he would just let them because he was too scared to fight back. One day, I had had enough of it, I guess, and I told them to stop. All of them to stop, or they'd have to deal with me, and trust me, I had to fight more than a few of those assholes when they thought just because I was small that meant I was weak. I kept him safe though, Bella. I made sure that while he was at school, he had someone fighting for him," she said with a bit of a whimper. "Eventually he didn't need me to fight for him, so to speak, but he's always been my person, and I'm very protective of him."

"You act like I'm the one who hurt him."

"You did," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "Maybe not in the literal sense, of course. I mean you were . . . are just as much a victim of that environment as he was, but losing you twenty-five years ago, Bella, he never got over you."

"You talk like we were lovers," she scoffed. "We were five years old, Alice. Five fucking years old and men held us down while they . . . while they raped us!"

"And you were the only good part of that boy's life, Bella, and he thought he failed to save you. He's been blaming himself for two decades. Just when I thought he was starting to, I don't know, let you go, you pop up as America's Sweetheart."

She rolled her eyes at the silly nickname. "Please don't call me that."

"Sorry." Alice sighed. "When he realized you weren't dead, Bella, when he saw you for the first time, something changed inside him."

"I don't know what I am supposed to say," Bella admitted, tightening her arms around her knees. "You all know so much about me, and I don't . . . I don't know anything about you. It's . . . overwhelming and uncomfortable and . . ." She blew out a heavy breath as tears filled her eyes. "I never knew why I felt like I did, like I do. I'm scared all the time, Alice, and I do mean all the time. Sure, I learned how to fake it, how to manage day to day, but I have always felt them . . . felt them touching me, could smell their breath, their . . ." She whimpered, pulling away when Alice reached for her. "Don't touch me. Please, don't fucking touch me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I never knew why I felt like I did, Alice. I never knew what they did to me until I sat inside my living room, in the only place I've ever felt somewhat safe, while they told me how everything in my life was a lie, how they favored me, favored us. You knew, Carlisle knew. Emmett, Jasper, Esme, Charlie . . . Edward knew. Even Ro knew to a point, I guess, but I didn't know. And I sat there while everyone looked at me with pity and sorrow and . . . I hate it, Alice, I hate the way you look at me. The way everyone looks at me. So I hide because hiding is better than being exposed."

"Suppose I can understand that."

"Yeah?"

Alice nodded. "Not in the sense that I've been through any of the bullshit that you and Edward have, of course, but your parents fought for you to be free of that Hell, Bella. My father is strict and unforgiving of imperfections, and I am fair from the perfect daughter. He holds high expectations over my head, and no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, it's never enough and he's never failed to tell me how much of a disappointment I am to him." She frowned and looked away. "Suppose he isn't wrong, though."

"Am I supposed to sympathize with you?"

Alice snapped her eyes back to Bella. "Excuse me?"

"Your father pushes you to be the perfect daughter, while Edward and I lived through Hell, and you want me to just what? Accept that you treat me like shit because your father is a dick?"

"No," she said, slowly.

"Look, you don't have to like me. Honestly, I don't give a flying fuck if you do, but I'm not going to hurt him, Alice. He's the only person I can trust right now, so like me, don't like me, whatever. I don't care. Just don't expect me not to trust him. Unlike everyone else in my life, he's never lied to me. Yet, at least."

Bella dropped her feet from the edge of the chair and walked off the porch, across the yard, and settled on one of the metal lawn chairs that sat under a couple of large trees. She pulled her knees up to her chest, her eyes closing as she tried to keep from sobbing, from falling apart for the thousandth time over the last few days. It didn't make any sense, of course, why Edward was important to her, why he made her feel like life made sense for the first time ever, but he did and he had since she saw him standing in the doorway to his office.

—TB—

"Do you mind if I join you?"

Feeling her shoulders tense, Bella looked over her shoulder, finding Esme standing a few feet behind her with two large cups of coffee in her hands.

"If not, it's okay. I just . . . I thought you might need some coffee this morning, and maybe someone to keep you company for a few minutes."

Bella bit the inside of her lip as she nodded, gesturing toward the metal lawn chair next to her.

"I wasn't sure how you like your coffee, so I kept it black."

"Don't really see the point in coffee if you add a bunch of shit to it," Bella murmured, bracing herself as she accepted the cup from her, their fingers brushing across each other's. She wasn't unable to hide the way she flinched, but she didn't seem to notice.

Esme laughed as she sat, crossing her legs at her knee. "I couldn't agree more."

Bella took a tentative sip, before she heard herself saying, "Why are you really out here?"

Esme tilted her head to the side. "Because I want to get to know the woman who has always been important to my son."

She rolled her eyes and looked away. "I'd like know her, too."

"It's not fair, is it?"

"What's not?"

"We know you, but you don't know us." Esme exhaled. "When Carlisle brought Edward into our home, it nearly broke me. Seeing him so fragile, so damaged. I loved him from day one. I vowed to make sure that boy never went another day without knowing that he was loved and wanted and cherished. He'd been with us for about six months when he told me about you."

Bella felt her shoulders tense.

"He'd fallen asleep," she said, pretending not to notice the way she reacted. "Sleep wasn't something he did if he could help it, and I'd already learned to be ready to help him. He started screaming and crying and . . ." Esme paused, bringing her hand up to her face, wiping away her tears. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Sleep isn't something I do, either."

She frowned. "No, I suppose you don't. On this particular evening, Carlisle was out on a case. He'd just started his business, and I was left at home with the boys quite often. When I managed to get Edward to stop screaming, he showed me the picture of the two of you."

Bella brought her hand up to the locket around her neck. "Carlisle hadn't told you about me before then?"

"He did," she admitted. "But that was the first night Edward talked about you, or really talked to me at all. You see, Bella, when Edward came to us, he was savage, feral almost. He hid in the closest for months. He barely ate enough to keep him alive. He wouldn't speak, look at us, let us near him without having meltdowns, but I refused to give up on him, you know? He needed me to fight for him, so I did. And then that night, he told me about you."

"What did he tell you?"

Esme smiled. "He said you were pretty, which you were. Still are, actually."

Bella snorted.

"What? You are beautiful."

"Thank you, but I don't need to be told how pretty I am, Esme. I get enough of that bullshit from the public."

"Yes, I suppose you do." Esme took a sip of her coffee. "That night, when Edward told me about you, that was the night he started putting his trust in us. It wasn't always easy, of course. There were plenty of times when I was sure we weren't going to break through the walls he put up around himself, but slowly he began to trust us to keep him safe."

"Do you regret taking him in?"

"No," she said immediately. "Edward was meant to be my son, Bella, just like you were meant to be Charlie's daughter."

She shook her head as she looked away. "I don't feel like his daughter. Never really did. There was always this . . . I don't know . . . invisible line between us. I knew he . . . Well, I thought he took me in because he found me on the side of the road, felt sorry for me. Maybe that part is true, but I think a part of him took me because he knew the kind of man who put his hands on children like . . . like this Marcus Volturi and his brothers did, wouldn't go down without a fight."

"To be honest, Bella, I don't know why Charlie took you in," Esme said, causing her to quirk an eyebrow. "Don't get me wrong, of course. Charlie's a great man, but he never came off as a family man. He was all about job and Carlisle was about his family, the boys especially, something he and Carlisle used to bicker about like a couple of old women," she added with a snicker. "After their last case, though, Charlie changed. He resigned from the F.B.I., and all but disappeared. He would send the occasional postcard from all over the world, but he never told us where he was really living."

"Because I was keeping her safe."

Startled, Bella looked over her shoulder, unsurprised to find Carlisle and Charlie standing a few feet behind them. While Carlisle and Charlie were on the right side, Edward was several yards to their left, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, but his eyes were locked on her. She dropped her feet off the edge of the chair before she stood up, hugging the now cold cup of coffee against her chest.

"By lying to me?" she asked, tearing her eyes away from Edward and looking back at the man who had raised her. "You left me vulnerable, Charlie."

"What would you have done if I'd told you?"

"I don't know!" she exclaimed, bringing one of her hands up to her head, dragging her fingers through her hair. The urge to pull it by the handful filled her, though she resisted that urge. They already thought she was losing her mind. "I don't know because you never gave me the chance to deal with any of it. Instead, I've had to sit here for two days and listen to complete strangers who know things about me that I never did. Do you know what it feels like to know they know how men raped me? How they when look at me, they see that pathetic little girl who would cower when faced with anyone she didn't know instead of the real me? I can't even have five minutes to process any of it because every time I turn around one of you," she yelled, waving her hand in the air, "is in my fucking face, making your excuses!"

Charlie reached for her, but she scrambled backward. "Don't fucking touch me. Don't fucking touch me ever again."

"You don't trust me now?"

"I don't know," she cried, wrapping her arm around her torso, trying to keep from losing control completely. Esme stood and reached for her cup, which she gave immediately before wrapping her other arm around herself. "I don't know who to trust anymore."

"You trust Edward." Carlisle, Charlie, and Edward turned and looked behind them at the sound of Alice's voice. "You said it before, Bella. He's never lied to you. He's never kept anything from you, so you trust him, and he has put his trust into us to keep you both safe." Alice spared Edward a look before she said, "You became important to us the minute Edward decided to take your case, and we don't give up on those who are important to us. Not ever."

Alice shifted her eyes to Edward before she turned and walked back up toward the house, where Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie were standing on the porch. When Jasper reached for her, Alice put her hand up and shook her head, heading inside and letting the front door shut with a loud bang.

"Bee," Charlie said, and Bella took a deep breath as she looked back at him. "Bee, I'm sorry. I. . . I'm just sorry."

"Me too," she whispered. "I just . . . I just don't how I can believe you when you spent twenty-five years telling me you didn't know why I felt the way I do. I just . . . I just don't know, Charlie."

Bella walked up to Edward and held her hand out. His eyes met hers before he wrapped his fingers around hers and they started walking back up to the house. Alice was right, of course. Bella may not have trusted anyone else, but for reasons she couldn't explain, she trusted Edward. She was trusting him with her life. Maybe even more than her life.

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