There's no mistaking who she is when he sees her. She seems to be looking for something specific. She has that look he had always loved. She's undeniably sexy when she's stewing on something. His reaction to her makes him avert his eyes. He hasn't laid his eyes on her in over twenty-five years. He walked away from her three days before he planned to propose to her. He felt called to do what his grandmother always wished for him. He felt called to the priesthood. Making that decision took work for him. Because he did love her, but he felt he needed to do something more self-sacrificing with his life than marry her. So he left. And he hasn't seen or spoken to her since. It would be a lie to say he didn't know that running into her was possible when The Church assigned him to a Parish in Charlottesville. He knows she's a professor at UVA. He's read her articles from time to time.
He allows himself to glance at her again. He allows himself to risk sin. He allows himself to feel the old romantic feelings he must suppress daily. She opens the door to the frozen pizzas, and he sees the rock that adorns her hand. The one that tells him she landed with someone. And he has to know more. His hand gingerly, too gingerly for a priest, touches her back.
"Do you need a-" She stops her question when Blue meets Hazel. "Henry?" A small surprised smile graces her face. She's genuinely happy to see him. She had been heartbroken when he left her. She remembers sobbing on the living room floor in their previously shared apartment. She remembers laying in bed alone for a year missing him every night. But she also remembers that he doesn't know that. She remembers that she said she understood why he was going to seminary. She had said she thought it was beautiful that he wanted to give his life to his God. She remembers the lie in her voice that time.
"Hi, Elizabeth." He smiles at her in a way that a priest should not be caught smiling at a woman. But he can't help it. She's still so beautiful. Yes, she is older, but it has added a softness to her features. Her face now fits the wisdom that's always lived in her eyes. Her eyes are still the deep blue he adored so many years ago. Her lips are still pouty and pink. Her body, well, he decides it'll be easier if he doesn't look.
"What brings you to Charlottesville, Father?" She uses distancing language on purpose. She can feel the rope pulling tighter between them. It's always existed. And he took vows. And so did she. She reminds herself of Steven—the man at home cooking dinner for her and the two children they share. She reminds herself that Henry is a priest. But he's also her first love. And she wants to know where he's been. She wants to know if he's found fulfillment in his life and choices. Her care for him surprises her.
"I'm the new Parish Preist at St. Thomas Aquinas." He hesitates in his answer. She swallows. Of course, he would be so close to UVA. Fate would test them that way. She's always figured that there is a universe in which he never walked out of her life. She feels that pull in her heart. It's the same one that brought them together. She resists it by forcing herself to think of the last twenty-one years of her life and her respect for her husband. For the man that chose her in the universe she exists in. Even if she and Steven pale in comparison to her and Henry.
"Wow, that's amazing. Congratulations. How are your parents?" She asks him the safe question because she's suddenly unsure how to act around him. Also, she loved his mother.
"We lost Mom last year, but Dad is as y'know as he usually is."
"Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Henry." She takes his hand without thinking. A spark runs through them both, and Henry recoils. He's glad he isn't wearing his clerical collar as someone walks by them. However, most Catholics would know based on his black dress pants and black short-sleeved button-up. It's not that he doesn't like her touch. He knows it's just a reflex reaction from twenty-two years of living a celibate life. He has trained himself never to react to a woman. Never to touch a woman. Some priests didn't do what he did, but he wasn't a virgin, isn't a virgin. He knew exactly what he was giving up. And he knows it's easier to just never to be touched. So, he resists the temptation, and it makes him uncomfortable. He clears his throat.
"What about you? How have you been?" His voice is hoarse when he asks it.
"Great." It feels like an exaggeration. It may be. Her life is hard. Marriage is hard. Being a parent is hard. Teaching is hard. And there are times when she feels like a single mother. She does everything for her family. But she is happy enough. It feels like enough eighty percent of the time. So she stays. But Henry doesn't need to know any of that. He probably doesn't even care. He left her. They live vastly different lives. So, she lies. "I'm married, two kids. Life's good."
The small talk abruptly ends with the ringing of Elizabeth's phone. He listens as she tells her husband she'll be home soon.
"I'm sorry, I gotta get going." She tries not to feel disappointed. She shouldn't be disappointed. She has a life. She has a husband. And she is happy enough. But leaving him with the knowledge that she might never see him again hits her chest with a slight pang. And she doesn't want to leave without saying anything meaningful.
"I'll see you around, then." He speaks before he can stop himself.
"Okay." She gives him a small smile.
…X…X…X…
Elizabeth presses her lips against Steven's hard when she enters her kitchen. She's hoping for a spark of some kind. It's been known to happen between them. However, it's been about ten years since it has. His arm wraps around her in what she's sure he thinks is a loving gesture. But it suffocates her. She never thought she'd be one to stay in a marriage when her love had dried up. But it's easier to stay. It's easier for Steven. It's easier for their kids. And it's love enough. So she runs her tongue over his lip to deepen their kiss, trying to fall in love with him again and remember when she did love him romantically. But he pulls back, and she tries not to feel too disappointed.
"Well, that was a nice hello." The look on his face breaks her heart. There's lust there. But no love. But at least there's lust. She gives him a small smile and presses her lips against his once more in an elongated peck. He's happy. Her kids are happy. So why does she feel so lonely?
"I want to take a shower before dinner. Can you put the groceries away?"
"Of course." He kisses her once more.
She finds herself thinking of Henry as the hot water washes over her. The way he felt when he moved against her. His lips against her skin. Her hand trails up her stomach and squeezes her breast. A small moan escapes her mouth before she can stop it. She remembers Henry's mouth hot over her nipples. She pushes her hand further down until she's rubbing her clit. Her knees buckle as her body shivers with the onslaught of sensations. She thinks about how Henry's fingers felt all those years ago. She cums with a gasp and a shiver running through her body.
…X…X…X…
Henry puts his groceries away in his modest quarters. He's the lone priest at this parish. Most parishes are headed that way. There aren't enough of them to go around anymore. And this parish is close to a university campus, and it doesn't have a primary school attached. So there is only a need for one priest here—one mass a day Monday through Saturday and two on Sunday. Henry has never enjoyed the assignments in which he has to live alone. It's the loneliness that is most difficult to bear. He thought the men would have camaraderie when he first went to seminary. The kind that existed for him in the Marine Corps. Sometimes he wishes he stayed a Chaplin and Battlefield priest. But he hadn't. So he finds himself here alone, cooking dinner for one. And then checks the church, hoping a lost soul could be there seeking counsel so that he can talk to someone. Help someone. But he knows he won't talk to anyone until he says Mass at 8:15 tomorrow morning. And then it will only be the three regulars. An old couple and their daughter who drives them. They're usually the only ones he gets on weekdays. But the older woman reminds him of his mother, and that's always nice. So, he does his nightly chores, sweeping the sanctuary and changing the tabernacle candle.
He goes to bed as images of a young Elizabeth Adams fill his mind. He remembers the feel of her skin under his fingertips. Her warm body against his. Her smooth legs entwined with his. He remembers sleeping in a bed that wasn't cold at night. The smell of coffee. The soft touch of a woman's hair. The feel of a woman's kiss. He remembers Elizabeth's kiss. And her eyes looking into his. His hand finds his hardness. He rubs his length with a familiar motion. He remembers the soft feel of Elizabeth's hair running through his fingers. He remembers the warm feeling that she brought to his life. He remembers Elizabeth's lips pressing against his own. He remembers her body tightening around him. He remembers her scent. Her taste. He remembers her love. He remembers... His body shakes as he cums. He sighs deeply. He wipes himself off with his handkerchief and rolls over in his bed.
…X…X…X…
Henry is surprised when he sees her in mass the next morning. He almost stutters on the first sign of the cross. He makes a point not to look at her during the liturgy of the word. If he looks at her, he might think about running his hand up her leg and under her sundress. He feels like an imposter as he reads the gospel. He thinks about her mouth and how she would moan if he slid his hand up her thigh. He tries to rid his mind of the lust. Rid his mind of Elizabeth. Coming to the place he knew she lived was not good for him. He didn't need to be reminded of his ability to love physically by being near her. He should've walked away from her in that grocery store. She shouldn't be here now, tempting him. He knows that it's unfair to place his lust on her. He knows he is responsible for his chastity. He knows these are his thoughts. But it doesn't stop the guilt and shame from overtaking him.
He finishes the mass and watches Elizabeth shake off the confused looks she gets from his family of regulars when she doesn't partake in the Eucharist. He watches as the mother stops after the final prayer to talk to her. He watches as Elizabeth tells her she's a professor at the university writing an article on religion and geopolitics. He notices how her words assuage the older woman's confusion at her presence. He notices how expertly she's able to lie. He wonders for a moment if she did end up joining the CIA. And what her job was while she was there. But soon enough, they are the only two left in the sacred place of prayer.
Henry sits next to her in the pew. He hasn't been this close to someone in a long time. He can smell her perfume. He can see the light freckles on her nose and the tiny scar on her cheek.
"What really brings you here today?" He doesn't know why the question comes out, whispered. He hadn't meant to ask it. It had just fallen out of his mouth.
Elizabeth's face gets a little more serious, and she turns her body to face him. "You," she admits.
"Come have breakfast with me." Henry gets up and starts walking back to his quarters. He doesn't know why he asked. And she doesn't know why she follows. They are just drawn to each other. It's the same feeling they had when they were in college. For a moment, Elizabeth wonders why they both chose something other than their fate.
They talk for hours in his small kitchen. They talk about their lives and what they've accomplished professionally. She tells him about the CIA and the reasons she left. She tells him about Steven and her children. He talks to her about his travels and writing a book in the Vatican archives. They reminisce about their time together. They drink, eat, laugh, and look at each other, and Henry thinks he's glad she is here now. Both of them feel their loneliness fade in each other's presence.
Elizabeth's eyes wander to Henry's lips and then back to his eyes. The rope is tight. The gravity between them rivals the sun in its might. Their lips touch. Elizabeth leads but then pulls away.
"We'd both be breaking vows," Elizabeth whispers against Henry's lips. Henry nods at her. He knows she's right. He's a priest, and she is married. But he wants her. He wants her so badly. And he's so sure she wants him.
He pushes himself against Elizabeth, and she kisses him back. She pushes him to the wall and wraps her hands around his neck. He runs his hands up her dress.
"I don't care about my vows. Do you care about yours?" He asks her before sucking her earlobe into his mouth.
"Not right now, I don't." Elizabeth smiles at him. Henry picks her up, and her legs wrap around his waist. He carries her to his bedroom. He lays her down on the bed and kisses her. She opens her mouth to him, and he presses his tongue inside. She moans. He kisses his way down her neck and pulls the top of her dress down, exposing her breast to his hungry eyes. He licks her nipple, and she squirms under him. She moans, and he smiles. Her sounds of pleasure take him higher than praying ever could. He sucks her nipple into his mouth, and she moans louder. He kisses her other nipple and then kisses her chest and neck.
"I want you, Elizabeth," he whispers against her ear.
"Take me, Henry," Elizabeth whispers, and Henry growls. He is never called by his first name anymore. He starts kissing her again, pulling her dress off her body. His hand enters her panties.
"So wet for me, babe," Henry whispers, running his fingers through her folds. She moans, grabs the front of his shirt, and pulls him down. She kisses him hungrily, and he slips a finger inside of her. She moans into his mouth, and Henry can't stop himself. He licks her tongue and sucks her lip as he fingers her faster.
"Fuck!" She throws her head back, and his cock twitches. She is the sexiest thing he's ever laid eyes on. She moans again and grabs her breast. Henry wants to taste her more than anything.
"I'm going to make you cum." He lowers himself between her thighs, pulls her panties off her, and starts to feast. He sucks on her clit and licks her folds. He slides two fingers inside of her, and she screams.
"FUCK!" She throws her head back and grabs his hair. She holds his head between her thighs and rides his face until her thighs shake. Her orgasm is explosive. She swears she can see god's face. Henry wipes his face off as he stands and watches her slowly come down. She's breathing hard, and her skin is flushed. She opens her eyes and smiles up at him. She reaches for the bulge in his pants, and Henry growls. He's so hard it hurts. She rubs him through his pants, and his knees go weak. She opens his pants and pulls out his cock.
"Fuck me." She commands him, and he swallows thickly. He nods his head and grabs his cock. He lines up with her entrance and pushes himself inside. She moans, and Henry swallows it down. They pant and grunt in time with each other as their hips meet hard with each thrust.
"Fucking hell," Henry curses as he thrusts into her. He presses his forehead against hers as they rock together. Elizabeth grips him and meets every one of his thrusts.
"We could run away together." He says to her as he gets closer to release.
"We could," Elizabeth replies, reaching up to kiss him.
"I've always loved you, Elizabeth." He says against her lips, and she smiles. Hearing those words from him has always been her undoing. And she figures they must be true. Given what he chose to do with his life, she's sure there's been no other woman for him.
"I've never stopped loving you either." At her admission, he thrusts harder, ready for his physical release. He thrusts once more and cums deep inside of her. They remain connected as they catch their breath. And reality sets in. They will not run away together. He will return to the church, and she will go home to her husband.
Henry rolls off of her and lays next to her. They stare at each other. Both of them wondering how this all happened. They wished their love for each other was enough twenty-five years ago. Both of them wondering what the future holds for them.
"I'm sorry." He says, and she looks at him confused.
"For what? I kissed you first." She says, and he shakes his head. Those are the last words exchanged between them. They both get dressed in remorseful silence. The loneliness creeps back in before they are ever apart. On her way out, Elizabeth brushes her lips against his for one last time.
…X…X…X…
No one is home when Elizabeth gets there. She buries the dress she was wearing deep in the laundry. She gets into a steaming hot shower. She is hoping to wash the evidence of her unfaithfulness away. Guilt racks her body with sobs. She had done what she went there to do. She had cheated on Steven, but that doesn't bother her nearly as much as Henry breaking his promise to his God. She didn't think this through. She woke up and put on a sundress she knew he would like, just because she wanted to feel something other than loneliness. Other than lust. She wanted to feel loved. And Henry gave that to her. But now it cuts deeper than ever before. She has betrayed Steven's trust. All for a single morning of fun.
But it was more than fun. It was awakening. It was like Henry had come into her very soul. It reminded her of what romance feels like. Her life has turned into a routine that bores her. Every day it is the same thing. Wake up, breakfast, kids to school, work, errands, home, dinner, bad sex, repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Running into Henry in the frozen food aisle had been the most exciting thing to happen to her in years. It was like waking up from a nightmare and seeing that there was still a beautiful sunny day. She felt alive for the first time in a long time. She didn't want the sun to set again. So she did something out of character and reckless. She went to him and sought him out. And now they both have to deal with the repercussions.
…X…X…X…
Henry spends two hours cleaning and ensuring no one can trace what happened. He washes his clothes and his bedding. He showers. He sprays cologne so the room neither smells like a woman nor sex. He sits at his small table, and tears of guilt fill his eyes as he prays over his dinner. He prays for forgiveness for himself and Elizabeth for his actions with another man's wife. For his vow, he broke. He prays that her husband forgives her. He prays that her life doesn't explode. He prays for her children that they can remain in an unbroken home. And then, he prays for himself. That the temptation does not return and that he can be the man God intended. That he and Elizabeth can peaceably exit from one another's lives.
…X…X…X…
"What's wrong with you tonight?" His words make it sound like he's worried, but his tone reads as annoyed. It almost tempts her to blow up their whole lives as they're readying for bed. Instead, she brushes it off.
She shrugs, feigning innocence. She is afraid of her own emotions. "Long day."
"Yes, teaching college kids is so hard." He chuckles, and she wants to slap him. Her self-control is waning. Moments like this always surprise her. She doesn't know why. They happen more than the ones after kissing yesterday.
"Why do you always diminish what I do?" She picks the fight. It's a game they play. And she's tired of playing it. She's just tired of her entire life.
He sighs but doesn't seem at all surprised. He lays back down and pulls the blanket up to his neck. "I'm sorry. Let's go to bed."
A righteous anger boils inside of her. If she had a penny for every time he's said that. "No, Steven. Let's not." Her voice is venomous. It startles him. She would usually yell. But there is just quiet rage on her face. "I do everything for you. I clean, I take care of our kids. I wash your laundry and press your suits. I even shine your fucking shoes. And you think you're pulling equal weight because you cook dinner once a fucking week. And I had to beg you even to do that. You know why?" He stares at her. "Because you don't love me. Not really. You love having a wife. You like that I take care of you. You like that I fuck you. But you don't love me. You barely even know me anymore. I got pregnant you made me give up the CIA. And I let you. But now, you don't think that what I chose to do is important or tiring. Well, you know what, Steven? I'm tired of you. I'm tired of being married to you. I'm just so fucking tired."
He doesn't speak at first. He's in shock. "Lizzie?"
"My name is Elizabeth." She snaps. She hates that he calls her Lizzie. She's always hated being called Lizzie. She's not a little girl. But no, she will not be baited. "I'm done. I want out. I've had enough. I can't do this anymore." She puts her shoes on and walks out of their house. She doesn't know what she is doing. She knows she'll regret it. She knows her kids will hate her for tearing up their lives. But she's at the end of her rope. She's terrified that she'll be trapped forever if she doesn't get out now.
…X…X…X…
The bell goes off at 2 am, telling Henry someone has entered the church. The adrenaline kicks in, as it does every time this happens. It floods him with energy. The familiar anxiety of not knowing what to expect. The thrill of the unknown. He jumps up and dresses in the dark. He's affixing his clerical collar when he sees her.
"I feel like shit." A very drunk Elizabeth slurs at him.
He nods, waiting to see what she will say.
"I'm so sorry, Henry." She bursts into tears. "I just got so lonely. I just wanted to fill my life with some life. I shouldn't have used you. But I've been so lonely."
Henry has no words. He hugs her. Her tears are different now. These are tears of deep grief.
"I was so stupid," she says. "I'm so sorry."
"You can go home. We can forget about this morning. We both made a mistake. You're not the only one who did something wrong. I completely consented. I agreed. I didn't have to. I could've told you to leave. You don't have to be the only person carrying the guilt."
His words don't ease her mind. They maybe even anger her. A renewed anger of her hurt all those years ago when he walked away. Only Henry has ever spoken to her like that, offered her that kind of partnership. And he walked away from her. From the life, they had planned to share. She pulls away from him and wipes the tears from her face. Reality slaps her. She can go home. She can make right with Steven. They can fix things. And she will. But she can't do it without knowing the answer to a question she's had for twenty-five years.
"Why wasn't I enough for you?" she asks Henry.
Henry feels her words cut deeply into his soul. She was enough. She was more than enough. He had wanted everything with her. He thinks about the night he decided to leave her. He had gotten into a heated argument with his father. And he had decided over fifteen minutes that he didn't want to have kids. He didn't want to continue the abuse cycle. But Elizabeth, kids were her non-negotiable. So he decided to leave her. To give her a chance of the life she always wanted. He wanted her to have it. And he couldn't give it to her. He wouldn't take the risk of turning into his father. It made sense to him at the time. But looking back, it was only the fast fear response of a twenty-one-year-old.
"You were. I wasn't enough for you."
The exes stare at each other. In their silence, agreements are made. They will go their separate ways. They will live out their separate lives. Henry will ask the church for a new parish. Elizabeth will grovel to Steven. And the last thirty-six hours will be forgotten by them both. Thirty-six hours and a reconnection should never ruin lives. They will never speak of it again.
"Goodbye, Henry McCord."
"Goodbye, Elizabeth Adams."
Their words are the same as they used twenty-five years ago. Henry watches her exit the church. He hits his knees and prays once more for forgiveness. Elizabeth walks to her campus office to sober up and call Steven.
They both drown themselves in the familiar pain of losing each other. And each believes they have successfully closed the wound. But yet, their souls are never the same. Neither of them can truly forget the other. And that's okay. They have their closure. They have peace.
Theirs is an end, and the rest of their lives is a new beginning.