Secrets of the Platypus – Part 1

Vanessa really didn't know what she expected. The long empty hallways oozing with disinfectant and echoing with her every step reminded her rather of her mother's workplace. Nothing seemed to indicate this was a top-secret agency, except perhaps the blinds drawn on some of the windows.

She was supposed to meet a certain Carl who was Monty's friend and the one in charge of giving new interns their first instructions, but all the doors looked exactly the same.

She thought of asking someone for help when she bumped into something solid and found herself steadied by two huge, hairy hands.

"Oh, careful there, little lady. You wouldn't want to fall into the wrong hands. Ha! Get it?"

Vanessa had to take a big step back to catch a glimpse of a mountain of a man who started chortling at his own joke, wiping an invisible tear from his eye.

"Ah, I'm just messing with ya'. We're cool. Name's Harry!"

"I swear I've heard that laugh somewhere before," Vanessa muttered to herself before something inside seemed to click; "Now I remember! Aren't you the mascot of that toy company, what did they call it...? Har D Har?"

Harry gave a yelp and started making shushing noises, anxiously peeking over his shoulder. "Are you trying to reveal my secret identity or what? Here I'm Harry the Hyena, part-time field agent."

"Harry the Hyena? Dude, you're literally wearing a hyena costume in the commercial. Don't you think it's a little on the nose?"

"Please keep it down. We have to keep our identities hidden even from each other. The less people know the better, plus they'd only make fun of me!"

"Okay, okay," Vanessa said, making a zipping gesture across her lips, "your secret is safe with me."

Harry breathed a sigh of relief, wiping some not-so-invisible sweat from his forehead.

Vanessa tilted her head. From what Monty had told her, she had assumed that the OWCA agents were somewhat more supportive of each other. To break the tension a little she added, "So your name is Harry, huh? Is there a rule that all spy names have to rhyme with Larry?"

Harry laughed. "Good one! I'll make sure to remember this next time I see old Terry, but I'd keep my mouth shut around..." he leaned in towards her, lowering his voice, "you know who..."

"Oh, you mean Perry? No, I'm definitely telling him, that's just what friends are for."

"Friends? Oh no no no," Harry shook his hands in front of him. "You got it all wrong. We don't have friends here, just allies, and believe me you wouldn't want to get on his bad side. I heard the guy can kill a man with a nail clipper!"

"That can't be right," Vanessa said. Although she didn't underestimate his skills, deep down she was firmly convinced that Perry would never have really hurt anyone. "Actually, I don't think I would have gotten here if it wasn't for him."

"That we can agree on," said a cold voice.

A man who looked about ten years older than her father yet twice as sturdy walked up to them and patted Harry on the back, causing him to flinch. "Looks like you still have a thing or two to learn about discretion, Harry my boy. Appearances can truly be deceiving. I suppose you had no idea you were talking to none other than the devil's spawn herself."

"Hey, and what's that supposed to mean?" Vanessa snapped. She didn't care how many scars covered the exposed neck and arms, not even the big one that crossed one of the eyes scrutinizing her, no one spoke of her father that way! "I assure you my father gave up evil just so I could join this agency!"

The senior agent grinned at her in an unpleasant way. "I admit, I like your attitude. It will do you well here but don't think this is a welcome. Monogram must have gone mad if he just gives anyone access to our secret data these days. You'd think after all these years he'd recognize an espionage attempt when he sees one."

"Is there a problem?"

Vanessa felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. No matter what her father sometimes said, Perry's timing was always impeccable.

"Oh, if it isn't Monogram's Golden Boy," said the man with a wry smile. "Saved any orphans from dangling buses today?"

"International hockey players actually," Perry said, pulling about five or six VIP tickets out of his pocket and fanning them like a set of cards. "But that doesn't answer my question."

"I wouldn't expect you to understand," the man said with a sigh somewhere between pity and patronizing. "Better watch your back, P, not everyone is as eager to cut all their blood ties like it's cream apple pie."

Vanessa could tell from the way Harry clapped his hand to his mouth and glanced between his two colleagues that the older agent had said the wrong thing.

Perry, however, only tilted his head to the side and replied in a calm voice, "Well, if we're going by that logic, we should probably take down Mayor Doofenshmirtz before his reign of terror dooms us all. I hear he's even planning on increasing the land value tax next year."

Vanessa smirked. The man looked at Perry for a moment before letting out a short, icy laugh. "I said what I had to say." And just like that, he walked away.

"Oh, hiya Harry, didn't see you there!" said Perry as if Harry's prominent frame didn't almost block the aisle. Yet he avoided Perry's eyes as if they could turn people to stone and sheepishly wiggled his fingers in greeting.

"Thanks, but I think I'll take Vanessa from here," Perry said, placing a hand on her shoulder and gently steering her around. "See you!"

Vanessa heard Harry release a heavy breath. Perry quickly guessed what was on her mind. "Just for the record, I've never killed anyone using a nail clipper." He took a couple more steps and added, "Nail files are way more effective."

Vanessa stopped dead in her tracks and gave him a perplexed look.

"Just kidding," he said with a grin, "but I see you came prepared," and he began twirling a black metal file between his fingers.

"Wait, where did you..." Vanessa said, reaching into her empty pocket. "Hey, give it back!"

Perry held the nail file out of Vanessa's reach as she started bouncing on her toes. He chuckled, hiding his hands behind his back. Vanessa grinned despite herself and was ready to chase him down the halls when they were interrupted by someone loudly clearing their throat.

"Oh, hi, Carl," Perry said, and Vanessa took advantage of his moment of inattention to retrieve her file. Perry frowned and Vanessa stuck out her tongue in reply.

"Hello to you too, Agent P," Carl intoned. "The Major would like to see you in his office."

"Oh, this can't be good… Well, then I guess you're in good hands, Vanessa. No one knows this place better than Carl."

Vanessa glanced at Carl who immediately blushed and hung his head.

"I'll see you later!"

Carl watched Perry until he turned around the corner. "I've never seen Agent P act so... juvenile before."

Vanessa tucked her file back in her pocket. "I guess he was just trying to keep my mind off what that old jerk said to me."

"Old jerk? Oh, you must mean the Great White! So I take it you didn't have the warmest welcome."

"Probably should have seen it coming. Obviously, all of Dad's ridiculous contraptions didn't go unnoticed. I think it will take a while before people start to forget."

Carl smiled unexpectedly. "I think you should see something."

"Ah, Agent P," said Major Monogram who was sharpening his pencil over his desk.

"Look, sir," Perry began as soon as the door closed behind him, "if this is about the billboard incident, I swear I had no idea the presidential car was parked right there."

"No, Agent P," said the Major, "The President is still very pleased with your efforts. Something else I actually wanted to discuss with you."

"Oh," Perry took his usual seat on the couch in front of the desk.

The major put his pencil down. "As you may know, this is Miss Vanessa Doofenshmirtz's first day as an OWCA intern."

"Yeah, I'm aware," Perry said, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

"Well, that brings us back to the discussion we had regarding Doctor Doofenshmirtz. I know you vouched for him, but you have to admit he's had various chances to redeem himself in the past and he's gone back to his old ways each time."

"I assure you, sir, as long as Vanessa is here, he won't do anything to jeopardize the Agency's integrity."

"I want to take your word for it, Agent P, I really do. But the apple never falls far from the tree."

"What do you mean?" Perry asked even though he already knew he wasn't going to like the answer.

"Only that perhaps it would be in our best interest not to leave her unattended until we know for sure she has no ulterior motive. I'm also perfectly aware that due to the increased number of missions you have been receiving lately, not to mention Monty's apprenticeship, you could use a little help. That's why I thought of an alternative solution that will benefit everyone."

Perry raised an eyebrow. "I'm listening..."

"I thought about assigning Vanessa Doofenshmirtz as your personal assistant."

It took Perry several seconds to register what he had just been suggested. "Assistant? I don't need an assistant. Vanessa doesn't owe me anything! I really can't—"

"I know, Agent P. But this way you'll be able to keep an eye on her and help her integrate."

Perry thought for a long moment, tugging at one of the threads coming loose from the couch. "Okay," he said at last, "but only because I know no one will dare mess with her on my watch!"

The Major smiled under his mustache. "I've always admired your dedication, Agent P!"

Perry just wondered how many more teenagers he would have to look after before he could ask for a raise.