Author's Note: I don't own Naruto.
WARNING : Some gore in this chapter.
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Hello readers, I'm back with the next chapter, albeit an hour late. But. This one is a favorite of a friend of mine. You'll soon find out why.
Although, by now, it goes without saying, I'm still gonna say this - I have tried to be as canon-compliant (both manga and anime, and the lite-novels) as much as possible, and left the time stamps of the events in this fic vague, because I couldn't find an official timeline. Feel free to assume on your own if these events happened within few weeks, or within a few months.
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Here it is. I hope you LOVE Chapter 5 of 8. Leave me a review. I love love love it when you do that.
Chapter summary : Sasuke's guilt weighs heavily on him and it comes out in expected ways. But living a life would mean letting go of the same. And someone knows the perfect person to help him through it.
Chapter - 5 - To Let Go
His heart had begun to pound deafeningly loud to his own ears. His lungs had given out as he raced through the streets, as he sent every last remnant of his chakra into his feet. His legs had begun to ache as he slowly neared the last house on the street with familiar wooden steps leading up to the main door, the one in which he grew up in. Sasuke dreaded every step he took to run through the Uchiha compound on this noiseless night. Everywhere, it was the same sight. Scarlet strewn over the walls, the sidewalk, and the road beneath his feet. Because with every step, he could count one less person alive. If only the count did not hit zero, he would be grateful. Alas, no such luck.
Fallen face down were the bodies of his mother and father in the dead center of the living room of his home. Could it be called that anymore?
No. no. no! A voice whispered in his head. His own. This cannot be happening. They can't die. Everyone cannot be dead, it resounded as he shook the remnants of his dead parents.
Suddenly, a shuffle of feet alerted him to a presence behind him.
'Itachi!' he recognized, the most familiar face. But soon Sasuke's gaze fell down to Itachi's bloodied clothes, the crimson footprints he left behind, and the most horrifying of all, the bloodladen Katana in his hand. Not his own brother!
'Do you want to know why I did it, little brother?' Itachi's voice mocked.
Sasuke sees red. His eyes burn with a fire that could have only reached him from the depths of hell as his sharingan spun around gaining tomoe after tomoe until it hit the peak. But then his head throbbed even more so, as if the flesh was melting right off his skin, if he was sitting on the almighty sun as the tomoe turned into something more. A six-pointed star that bled through like acid staining his cheeks with every teardrop he shed.
Sasuke knew the answer to that question his thirteen year old brother had posed, having heard it a million times already. This time, no more. There would be no more interrogation. There would be retribution.
His sword plunged into Itachi's chest, making its way well into his heart as the blade sliced open his ribcage and bathed Sasuke's hands in warm blood that trickled out. Suddenly, something trembled in Itachi's eyes, and they widened in recognition.
'You know', Itachi murmured, and much to Sasuke's shock, walked deeper into the blade, towards the hilt and its holder, approaching Sasuke. Raising his hand, Itachi extended two fingers and poked right in the center of Sasuke's forehead, plastering a smile on his face as his lungs filled with blood. 'Because I will always love you, Sasuke', he finished and closed his eyes, slipping into the dark reality of death.
The last Uchiha left standing looked up horrified at the realization, he did it for me! To protect me, only to find a mirror reflecting his true self in front of him. With the Kusanagi in his right hand, sporting a Rinnegan in his left eye, and a purple rope around his waist, Sasuke stared back at his own reflection with the reality of having killed his innocent brother in cold blood, a gory twist of fate that truly left him alone.
'You have fulfilled your purpose, Sasuke!' a dull voice echoed his name.
But at what cost, he cried to himself.
'Are you listening to me, Sasuke?', it questioned, now deep and heavy.
I don't want to, he yelled at it, voice wretched with agony.
"You need to wake up Sasuke. Sasuke! Wake up!", the voice commanded, and everything around him shook violently.
"Wake up! Dammit wake up!" Naruto shouted, his voice now echoing in the silence of the night, as he shook his roommate by the shouder.
The last Uchiha woke up in a huff.
"NOOO!- Niisan stop-" Sasuke froze holding his hand out to grab the blonde by the wrist. "Na- Naruto?" he panted, in recognition, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness around him and his grip loosened.
Naruto took his hand and guided it to a glass of water beside him. "Hey", he said, as Sasuke's eyes adjusted to the darkness. "You were having a nightmare", he informed the raven haired boy carefully, who did not pick up the glass.
Ofcourse. Ofcourse. Sasuke breathed heavily as his stub ached.
"You are safe," the blond assured. Sasuke said nothing.
"What did you see, Sasuke", the blonde asked with his worry evident between his brows. "You were screaming your brother's name."
The mention of Itachi hooked Sasuke's attention immediately, as he turned to look at Naruto and clenched his jaw. "I DON'-" he found himself about to scream in defense, that he didn't want the blond's help, but stopped midway.
There was something so familiar in the eyes of his blue-eyed friend at this very moment. The very vulnerability he did not want to show on his face, but somehow, it flooded over anyway. And that something stopped Sasuke, the fact that he knew what was going on in Naruto's mind now that he knew his friend's loneliness. Naruto was a brother to him too in a way, only if in soul. Sasuke swallowed any malignant words he might have on his tongue back into himself, not knowing what he might say or do either. So he trusted himself to only say one word.
"Massacre," he swallowed, looking away. The moonlight illuminating the room made the Uchiha feel more exposed than ever. His mouth soured from the wave of nausea washing over and he took a sip of water. Not that it would help. Sasuke shook his head to relieve himself of the images still ingrained in the back of his mind. Not that they would go away, ever.
"Oh", recognized Naruto. "It's been a while since you've had nightmares, isn't it?", he almost stated.
Yes. Although, it is a surprise how Naruto knew. He hadn't had his usual nightmares since he had Itachi's Mangekyou Sharingan transplanted into his eyes. But this dream was not the usual one. This was different, and this specific one had begun ever since he found out the truth about Itachi's sacrifice. However, Sasuke nodded in the affirmative, gulping down the last of the water in the glass as sweat trickled down his face.
"I thought maybe they stopped, now that we've grown up, but you were apparently having them in captivity too", Naruto gave in.
So that's how he knew.
"They let you in?" Sasuke scoffed, more out of habit than anything.
"Hey!" he accused, although modestly. "I was one of the few people they trusted. Not enough for staying while you were interrogated, but for some the other stuff, you know, updates and all," the blonde paused. "Anyway, I'm here if you want to talk."
"Yeah", Sasuke accepted, not that he would be talking about it right away. But the blond settled down beside him on the ground as Sasuke breathed through to control his racing heart that was still reliving the horrific night. So a part of him wondered if he was sitting by him waiting until Sasuke told him what had happened. People have a lot to give, Kakashi's words rung in his ears.
And on that note, Sasuke decided to accept what Naruto had to give. A bond of brotherhood in the most difficult of times.
"I saw… Itachi… massacred everyone," his strained voice worded with hesitance. "I… killed him again."
A surprised note left Naruto's mouth as he widened his eyes in shock.
"Yeah", Sasuke confirmed.
"You.. You should talk to someone about these", suggested Naruto. "It can't be good for you to live like this. Maybe they can heal-"
Sasuke interrupted the train of thought right there. He did not need hope. There was no hope. Not with this. "This", he began viciously, "is not a genjutsu induced damage medics can heal, Naruto!" he said, trailing down into a whisper. "Stay out of it", he added for good measure.
Surprisingly, the blonde took no offense to the last part either. "You're right I guess", he murmured, not knowing what to say anymore. It was alright with Sasuke, there was nothing anyone could say. "What.. do you mean when you say you.. killed him again?" Naruto asked again. "You told us that he orchestrated everything so that he could die upon your fight."
Sasuke's breath hitched in his throat upon this question. "He.. Yes. He did. But I wanted to kill him for so long. That is all I wanted to do for so many years. He was only trying to protect me," Sasuke replied.
"So you dream that you killed him? Even when you didn't?", Naruto posed. The irony was almost laughable. Sasuke nodded once again.
"That is some pretty heavy guilt Sasuke. I don't really know what else to say."
The black haired boy shook his head. Naruto did not have to say anything. Sasuke knew there was nothing to say. He was responsible for Itachi's death. More so, for the way his life ended. Fruitlessly, in the dark, at the hands of his own brother who did not know better. And the guilt he feels about it is immense. Something no one can help him handle.
"What if you talk to Sakura-chan about it?" Naruto began with a suggestion again.
Sasuke turned to look at Naruto. They had been over this once, why bring it up again, his brows wrinkled in confusion. "I already told you Naruto. Her medical ninjutsu can't help."
"No. No," came the swift response of a misunderstood man. "That's not what I'm talking about", Naruto clarified. "I mean, you killed someone you loved; or at least you think you are responsible for their death. Sakura-chan tried to do that too, right?"
Sasuke's eyes widened in realization, and he swallowed. Sakura.
"I mean, not that she has ever talked to any of us about it", the blue-eyed boy continued. "But it must have bothered her too, right? Maybe she can help, Sasuke."
Sasuke did not know what to say. It was true what Naruto had said. She had tried to kill him, and he was almost going to kill her in exchange. But this is what would make her the only person who could understand at least a part of what he was going through. But did Sasuke find himself ready to allow someone to see side of him?
"Okay. I'll... try", Sasuke said mindlessly, the first thing that popped into his mind. Naruto nodded in the affirmative.
"Let me know if you need anything, okay?" he said, climbing up into his bed. "Try to get some sleep."
But Sasuke knew that thoughts had already taken over his mind, and sleep would be the last to come today.
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Next morning, Naruto's intentions were crystal clear. Although Sasuke had hoped Naruto would forget about the whole nightmare issue from the previous night, the blonde only walked around as if he was on eggshells all day. As if Sasuke were a fragile thing that would shatter at the slightest hint of breeze. But then he had also sent for Sakura, and asked her to visit them soon. That was something that he couldn't avoid now, much to the dismay of a voice inside his head.
Don't appear weak.
It's okay. He breathed.
Don't appear weak!
It. Is. Okay! He insisted.
Dont! Appear! Weak!
This. Isn't. A weakness! Sasuke resisted.
The Uchiha breathed steadily. Contrary to what Naruto thought, Sasuke was actually willing to give this a try. Sakura was wise. Very wise. And smart too. If not as much as Kakashi, atleast she was much better than Naruto. And she did not dangle answers in front of him hoping he would break down more of his walls to reach them, unlike Kakashi. So he respected her for it. So Sasuke was actually ready to try and put a part of him out for ogling, if that's what was going to happen. He needed to move past this, get himself in order, and if he could reach it this way, he would take it.
A quick rap on the door, alerted the two boys to the arrival of one pink-haired kunoichi and Naruto went to open it.
"Hey Sakura-chan," he greeted, as Sasuke followed to stand beside him. "Thanks for coming."
"What's up Naruto?", Sakura asked inquisitively as she stepped in. "Is your hand bothering you again?"
This was as good as time to take over the conversation, Sasuke decided. He did not want to leave the talking to Naruto right now.
"I need to talk to you", he stated with minor emphasis. Naruto did not challenge anyway.
Her green eyes bore into him at once and she responded after a slight pause. "Ohh. Okay." she said, leaving her sandals by the door. "What's wrong, Sasuke-kun?" she got right into it.
"Come on over here", the blond called from inside the house, leading the duo to the table behind them. As he sat down the remaining two took to their places as well. Sakura looked up at Sasuke again, as soon as she settled.
"Uhh- …", he began hesitatingly, suddenly forgetting how to speak. It was as if he did not know where to begin. But then, the simple truth as it is would be a good start, wouldn't it? "I have nightmares", he placed primly.
"Oh", Sakura said flatly, raising her brows in comprehension, while Naruto's brow wrinkled in worry looking at Sasuke.
"Violent ones, Sakura", he detailed, maintaining his gaze upon their friend. "Thrashing and screaming."
Naruto did not tell me about this, Sasuke thought in alarm but maintained a calm composure. Maybe that would also explain the backaches he had after these harrowing visions. But then, his twelve year old self used to glare daggers at any hint of sympathy his teammates might have shown in the past. So it was not surprising that they never talked about the nightmares or its aftereffects.
However, Sakura's eyes widened in what Sasuke could only identify as recognition and immediately simmered down to a sad understanding. Did Sakura draw from her own experience? Was that all he had to say? But her reply answered that for him.
The pink haired Kunoichi immediately responded, "Like those you had when we were young", highlighting how she misunderstood, and began digging into her bag. "I'm afraid there is no cure for that. I can prescribe you some sleep inducing pills-"
No. She did not understand that correctly.
"No", Sasuke interrupted curtly, and waited for her to register his words.
"-but they can cause dependenc- What?" she paused.
Sasuke broke his silence once she focused on his words. "Not like those I had back then," he spoke slowly and carefully. "I kill my brother… In these dreams", he clarified.
Sakura looked at him as he misplaced a fact. "But… you… didn't kill him", she said, almost telling him in fact. Maybe she was privy too, to everything he told during interrogation.
"That's what I said", Naruto said in an obvious whisper, crossing his arms in front of him.
Sasuke desperately wanted to roll his eyes. "I know", he told, gaining second hand embarrassment from his teammates who seemed to think he was a dull knife that did not remember his own life story.
Sakura remained silent, however, and Sasuke recognised that was because she did not know what to say. Maybe she was unfamiliar with this feeling, then.
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Naruto looked at the two buffoons in front of him. Leave it to Sasuke to barely use a few words to describe his problem or ask for her experience directly. And leave it to Sakura to - Well - make everything into a medical prescription. It was time to intervene a little.
"You tried to kill Sasuke too, Sakura-chan", he suggested with striking resolve, looking at the both of them. Sasuke's eyes widened in recognition of what he was supposed to say, and Sakura was taken aback by the suddenness of his targeted words.
"I- I-" she began, but resignation crept up on her face and she accepted the sentence as it was. "Yeah", she noted and looked up at Sasuke. "I- I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun", she sighed.
So he needed to be more open, Sasuke realized upon Naruto's words. "No need to apologize. I deserved it," he said hence, openly.
"Oh no. No, you didn-" Sakura began to interrupt.
"MAYBE, you need to focus on how to move past it, you know?" Naruto interjected again sheepishly. "This no-no game is leading nowhere."
The clowns nodded together and looked at each other to continue their conversation. Just then there was an urgent knock on their door. The trio looked at each other and Naruto got up to open the door.
"Hey big-brother", greeted Konohamaru. "Have a minute to spare?"
"Hey Konohamaru. What's up?"
"Granny asked for you. It is urgent, so I volunteered to take you to her myself", the genin said proudly.
Naruto looked around to notice Udon and Moegi standing alongside him, in alert mode, like this was some bodyguard group. Naruto sighed and agreed.
"Hey guys, I need to go visit Tsunade-baa-san", Naruto's voice reached Sasuke and Sakura from the foyer as his feet shuffled around. "Right now."
Now clad in his sandals underneath his orange jumpsuit, he peered into the dining area towards the silent duo gawking at him and threw out a few instructions. "Continue this conversation okay? And Sasuke, be clear, will you?" he resorted to admonishing the Uchiha, and quickly got out of the house as soon as the duo nodded.
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Silence loomed in the air momentarily as the remaining two members of team 7 picked up where they left off. Sakura was the first one to break the silence.
"You didn't deserve it, Sasuke-kun", she assured once more, completing her sentence. "My reasons were very convoluted at that time", her eyes fell.
Sasuke narrowed his eyes momentarily, wondering what they were, but decided to not ask when she immediately followed with other questions.
"What happened in your dream?" she asked over his silence. "Do you want to tell me?"
Sasuke understood it was time to speak up, and began recollecting the nightmare. With her wisdom, maybe she could provide him with necessary insight to help deal with his guilt.
"It always begins like the nightmares I used to have back when… I was still a child. Always begins like reality, feels like reality. Begins with the night of the massacre, and I find my clan slaughtered with him standing in front of my parents bodies". Sasuke lowered his eyes and clenched his jaw pushing back the pain that came as a reminder with these memories, and her feminine gasp filled the room. Of course, she was shocked, he had never told anyone this before. But, do something different, if you want to get different results, so he continued to put his faith in Sakura, pushing through. Even though his eyes remained fixed on the table in between them, and his hand did not release the fist that was holding his feelings from slipping through.
"I know what he is going to say - that he killed them to see how powerful he was - I had heard it a million times or more when he showed me those deaths by putting me in a genjutsu that night." If Sakura's eyes widened even more so, he did not notice, but he did notice her shallower breaths.
"I know today that it was a lie, but I didn't know back then. Then in the dream, my sharingan activates, and then my eyes bleed as the Mangekyo awakens as I seeth in rage and fury. And then I cruelly stab-", another gasp, "stabbed him with the Kusanagi", he said pointing to his chest hoping that would suffice and that he would not have to word anything else. After a pause, he continued. "I - He is only thirteen. But he... walked into the blade... to poke my forehead", he said raising two of his fingers to reach his forehead in remembrance of the moment, as his voice hitched, "Saying he will always love me… and then he fell onto the ground and I look up to see my reflection", he gestured to himself, "as I am today".
Sasuke's recollection brought tears to her eyes. She could clearly see that this was the first time he had ever talked about all of this with someone. And that he viewed himself, though subconsciously, as a monster. The fact that his eyes were still glued to the table, tired, she could understand that he had allowed himself to be so so vulnerable. All because he wanted to be better, but didn't know how. But at least he began trusting someone. Even if it is just Naruto so far, and maybe herself in this moment. And Sakura could not even fathom what goes on within someone who faced so many atrocities at such a young age. Lately that had been happening a lot. So she offered the only comforting words she could find, knowing they wouldn't amount to much, but anyway.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I really am," she said, placing her hand flat on the table, inches from his own. Just a silent indication that he was not alone, before she fell silent. His fist opened and he pressed his palm to the surface, seeking something to ground him, perhaps.
Sasuke closed his eyes and nodded gently before he continued.
"That was when I realized that he loved me. Just like I realized it the day he died. Poking me in the forehead was his way of telling me when we were kids. Whenever he would go on missions, that's how I knew he would come back. But in that dream, he doesn't come back. It was the last thing he did before he died after our fight too. He… did everything because he loved me", he said defeated.
Sakura breathed in fully after what felt like a long time, allowing him a few moments too. As he closed his eyes and sighed, collecting himself, she spoke.
"You said that, in real life, he wanted to die by your hands, didn't he? Naruto told me," she asked. There was a quiver in her voice, wherever that had come from. Is that how she came to know, he thought. That was okay. They care about him. And Sasuke only nodded in response for her to continue.
"Then he not only knew, but wanted the consequence. You need to understand that you are not responsible for his death. And although you had your reasons, good reasons back then, to do what you did, he had good reasons to do what he did, too", she said.
Sasuke looked up to meet her eyes at this.
Sakura continued. "When I..", she started, hesitantly dropping her eyes to the table like he did, "I… tried to kill you, I justified it by saying that it was better for everyone. That Naruto will finally focus on himself and stop pursuing you. I believed it was for the better, justice for everyone, even if I had to kill the man I lo- loved", her voice hitched at the last word, and Sasuke knew her enough to recognise why.
She looked up to meet his eyes braving an almost smile on her face, yet, her eyes glistening as if the dam would break any moment and tears would spill right out. "It didn't matter what I wanted, only what was the right thing to do, something that seemed like the right thing at that time, I guess. Maybe that is why there is guilt, now that you know the truth."
Something about those words made Sasuke want to let his ever present guard drop around her. Because there was honesty in them. The fact that she had decided to tell him of her convoluted reasons and whatever she was put through even when he did not ask her to open up, just because she thought it might help him, Sasuke felt like he could put his trust in her. There were these new parts of her that he had never seen. And she did not even once try to cover up, or hide away her anger and hurt at that time, but laid it all out honestly, yet not blaming him for one single thing, which Sasuke guessed was because of what she now knew.
"So I think that you are keeping aside the fact that he wanted those consequences, and focusing on the fact that you thought you needed to kill your brother, however much you loved him, because it was the right thing to do", she finished.
Sasuke asked her the question that was lying on the tip of his tongue. "It doesn't matter that he wanted those consequences, I can see how my actions were wrong ever since I found out why he massacred the- How can I tell myself that I did not take away his life?"
Sakura felt as if she needed to change her approach. So she carefully worded out her next sentence, "Don't you think… Itachi… might have had an opinion about the things he did?" she said, so as to not step on any boundaries. Just because Sasuke shared parts of his relationship with his brother with her, she did not want to take it as an invitation to talk about his family. She just wanted to put forth a different point of view for him, and maybe that would offer him peace. Maybe Itachi had felt differently about whether his own actions were right or wrong. But Sasuke's response surprised her.
"He- did, actually...", Sasuke answered slowly as he eyed her with the least bit of wonder.
Now it was Sakura's turn to know. "Huh? How- could you know that?" she asked not expecting her rhetorical question to have actually been a real incident.
"He was among those who were reanimated by Kabuto around the time war started. I had a chance to speak with him before he undid the reanimation jutsu."
"Oh", Sakura flared in understanding. "What did he say?" hoping she was not intruding, but maybe something about that conversation could help Sasuke by his mere recollection of it.
Her question took him by surprise, but answered it nevertheless. It was the truth, perhaps something that he would not have understood back then, but it was time now. "That the only mistake he made was leading me down the path of hate. That it was the wrong idea. And that, he didn't want my forgiveness, and he did everything because he loved me."
He watched as her eyes welled up once more. "Oh", she said. "Sounds like he made peace with what he did", she added fondly.
But that was true, wasn't it. Itachi only regretted sending Sasuke down the path of hatred to make him stronger. But it seemed as if he did not agree with the coup and the thousands of lives it would have cost the village. Which must be why he accepted Danzo's offer and bargained for his protection. Itachi chose the best choice he thought he had, however much he loved Sasuke. And Sasuke had done the same thing. Made the best choice he could with the information he had on hand. So if Itachi did not think there was any other choice but to take the lives of his beloved clan, yet find peace, maybe Sasuke could come to feel that way too. If not right away, when the guilt weighed on him so heavily, maybe slowly overtime.
The duo sat in silence for a while as they pondered over their respecting demons that they dug out for this conversation. The oddest question ever popped into Sasuke's head.
"How did you forgive yourself, Sakura?" he asked. That was where this conversation led to, was it not. To forgive himself, to let go of the guilt that held them for the actions they did, for when they did not have any better choices.
Sakura's Jade eyes met him at that question, both surprise and embarrassment spread over her face and something else that he could not quite read, glimmering in those irises. But she did not say a word.
Sasuke waited for a response, but even after a few moments, nothing came out. How very uncharacter- Oh! The realization hit him like a brick wall and his eyes widened in response and his breath hitched as he finally read her eyes.
"You have not-", he began, but did not bother finishing his sentence. Her lip quivered every so lightly. She knew. She knew he knew.
You have not forgiven yourself either, Sakura.
Sakura looked down, ashamed, only to slowly murmur. "How can I? Knowing the things that I know now", she smiled weakly, just like he said about finding out Itachi's reasons.
Sasuke let out a silent sigh. Two fools sitting and discussing life and death when neither of them had a solution to the guilt that had a hold on them.
"I guess I try to do right by you now. I can be there as a friend. I don't know if I ever can make a difference truly, but at least I can try to correct my mistakes", she confessed in a defeated manner. "I can try -... I think that's all I can say."
Leave it to Sasuke to speak up the unspeakables. However much her idea was not unruly, "Itachi is not here", he acknowledged.
Sakura was taken aback by his words and hung her head even lower if that was possible. Her hand shrunk to sit on her chest, and her shoulders swayed a little slower.
Sasuke looked out of the window that faced the Hokage rock. The sixth face had been finally carved, and Sasuke felt lighter as he recalled his contribution towards it, as a part of rectifying his mistakes towards Konoha. Itachi's face could have been there if not for everything that transpired. The place Itachi wanted him to protect.
"His will is still here", he said in recognition and turned to look at the pink haired Kunoichi again. "I suppose I can do right by it", he accepted and he nodded in acknowledgement.
Her shoulders rose slowly, but confidently and curt nod followed as a reply and the ghost of a smile lingered on her lips, probably in realization that she did help him. Something of a sight.
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A/N : Now I know you must have loved that. Please leave me a review. I love to hear your thoughts...
Up next (the best thing I have ever written) : A midnight stroll, a dinner reservation, and blossoming love.
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