Hours. It had been hours. He tried to remain optimistic. She was alive. It may have been hours, but every hour that passed was another hour she defied death.
Noah crashed in Amanda's lap after the first hour and a half. He watched her aimlessly run her fingers through his curls. She was his Aunt Amanda and Fin was his Uncle Fin. And he was…just Elliot. Just the man who had been hopelessly in love with Noah's mother for decades. He was a man Noah barely knew, and it was his own damn fault. Just another regret in a lifetime filled with regrets.
Elliot spent the time staring at his hands. No one talked. They mostly just stared off into some void in space. He knew they all were worried about what life would be like without Olivia. It was unimaginable. The thought made his chest tighten. He couldn't breathe. Damn it. He couldn't have a panic attack right now.
He stood up. He needed to move. He needed to breathe. He felt both Fin and Amanda watching him, and he knew he looked like he was losing it.
He sucked in a breath and moved away so he wouldn't be in their direct line of sight if he started to crumble. He paced back and forth while trying to remember to breathe. The walls felt like they were closing in on him, and he probably needed to step outside for air, but he couldn't leave. He promised he wouldn't ever leave her again.
He felt an hand on his upper arm. "Breathe man." Fin tightened his grip, and the pressure began to ground him. "Just slow down Elliot. Slow."
Elliot watched the rise and fall of Fin's chest and tried to mimic the movement. Slow. He told himself.
Fin stood with him for another minute, continuing to grip his arm, keeping him from falling over. Elliot's breathing settled, and he felt in control again. Fin slowly released his arm. "You good?"
Elliot stood up straighter and nodded. "Yeah," he rasped. "I just." He felt the emotion rising in his chest and he was powerless to keep it back. "I can't lose her Fin. I can't. She's… God Fin you know. She's everything."
Fin pat his shoulder heavily, eyes filled with empathy. "I know man. I know.
-000-
I decided to drop the dramatic surgeon entry on this story. I've done it a lot of times…trying out something different.
His eyes felt like someone had kicked sand into them. He knew he looked like a train wreck. Hell. He felt like a train wreck. He focused his attention on the feeling of her warm hand in his. She was alive. His thumb glided across her soft skin in a soothing motion. His eyes remained on their hands because looking up was too painful.
She made it through surgery. Barely. The surgeons told them they gave her a 25% survival expectancy when she arrived. She received several transfusions. Elliot couldn't remember how many exactly. The surgeons words were now an echoed memory.
They were keeping her on the vent for now, which meant she was also sedated. The bullet shattered a couple ribs before lodging itself deep within her liver. Her liver sustained a fair amount of damage, and they ended up removing a portion that wasn't salvageable.
When they wheeled her back to the room she looked so pale. If it wasn't for the rise and fall of her chest he would have thought she was dead. He reminded himself over and over that she was alive. She survived, and now they needed her to recover.
Noah stayed long enough to give his mother's hand a squeeze before Amanda carted him off to her apartment. He cried and begged to stay, but the surgeons wanted to limit visitors, and they had strict rules about underage visitors. He could come back in the morning for a little while, but Amanda and Fin decided they wanted to keep his visits short while she remained unconscious. They were desperately trying to reduce his trauma, as if such a thing were possible.
He pressed a lingering kiss to her hand and laid his head on the bed. He was so damn tired, but he struggled to sleep. He couldn't help thinking about how stupid he was.
All he could think of was all the wasted years. Years they could have been happy together. Happy. But rather than crossing bridges with her, he burned them to a crisp when he ran. For ten damn years. And when he returned he couldn't just fix things because ten years is a long damn time. He broke them so thoroughly that three years later they were still trying to find their footing.
Maybe he could forgive himself his earlier sins. Maybe he could get past them, but he made the same stupid mistake. He ran, and now after months away, he couldn't remember what he was running from. He was a damn fool. That was becoming painfully evident. He squeezed her hand. He loved her more than words could express. His love for her transcended any other earthly feeling. He had no control. He was hers the moment she walked into his life. But he hurt her. Time and time again he hurt her, but she gave him grace every single time he came crawling back.. He had no idea why she gave him so many chances. God knew he didn't deserve them.
He dropped another soft kiss on her hand. She deserved so much better than him, but for some reason, unbeknownst to him, she loved him. He felt tears welling in his eyes, and he knew in a matter of minutes he would be an unrecognizable puddle of emotion. She had to get better. She needed to give him just one more chance. He prayed to God that he would get that chance, and promised he would do everything he could not to screw it up.
-000-
Olivia did not enjoy this feeling. The floating. In one moment she felt herself trapped, frozen inside her own body, inable to move or breathe, but the next she would feel like she was floating, no longer attached to her physical form. It was weird. And she hated it.
It didn't help that ghost Kathy liked to hang out in her periphery when she felt that uncomfortable floating sensation. She was just there. Silent. Watching. It was disconcerting.
Awareness and conscious thought came and went. She felt lik she was caught in a fog that thickened and thinned with now rhyme or reason. One minute she felt sure of her thoughts, thinking maybe she could will herself to open her eyes, but inevitably she would tire and she felt herself sort of slip away.
She also felt plagued with the uncomfortable feeling of choking. It would come and go, but she swore someone was literally choking her.
This feeling of back and forth, here and there, continued for an eternity, but one day something changed. She suddenly became aware of a familiar calloused hand gripping hers, and the sensation of light behind closed eyelids. But there was also pain, and god dammit she hurt. She began spiraling, trying to make sense of it all. What the hell happened to her?!
-000-
Elliot— texting Fin
E: They are lightening her sedation and pulling the vent.
F: Make sure they keep any opiates low when she wakes up.
E: I'll remind them.
E: I want to ask why but I'm not sure I want to know the answer.
F: You probably don't. She will talk about that situation when she feels ready. I just don't want her to be triggered.
E: Okay, I'll make sure they know- and chart it.
F: Thanks man.
E: Don't thank me. I'm just the idiot that loves her. I owe you for being there when I wasn't.
F: I did it for her, not for you.
E: Sure, but I'm still grateful.
-000-
Elliot reminded the staff about the opiates about a thousand times when they began lifting her sedation. His stomach turned when he considered why she was against opiates. He knew something horrible happened in his absence, but he decided not to press her on it.
He wasn't blind. They'd slept together, and he had her naked body in his hands. He was well aware of the scars littered across her body. Some in very intimate places. His head pounded as he realized how much trust she'd given him when she allowed him to touch her. To love her.
The scars weren't fresh, and had to have been from an experience long before he came back into her life. He never drew attention to them, because to him, her body was incredible and perfect. He worried that if he asked she might become self conscious about them, and he never wanted her to think he thought her body was less than perfect. It was perfect to him.
He knew he could easily find out what happened. It would probably show up on a Google search, but he wanted her to tell him in whatever way she felt comfortable. When she felt comfortable. He wouldn't push her because whatever happened was life changing, and she deserved the space to tell her story as she saw fit. He could wait, and he would wait as long as she needed.
His attention returned to the medical team as they reversed the sedation. A grimace crossed her face as the sedation lifted. She began to fight the vent and the medical team said it was good, and meant she was trying to breathe on her own. With that encouraging sign they began to remove it.
He kept a firm grip on her hand. He wasn't sure how aware she was, but he was determined for her to know he was there, and he wasn't leaving. He never wanted to leave her again.
The medical staff moved around him, seeming to understand how much both of them needed the contact. They removed the vent, and the doctor made sure she was breathing independently and without too much difficulty. She appeared to be doing well so he focused his attention on Elliot.
"She might be out for a while longer, and when she wakes up she might be pretty confused and out of it. We've given her a minimal amount of painkillers, as you instructed, but she will be in quite a bit of pain. I recommend more, but we extend our patients the right to refuse any type of pin relief." The doctor still looked uncomfortable with the request and added, "We can immediately up her dose if the pain becomes too much."
Elliot nodded his understanding. His eyes dropped to their closed hands and back to the doctor. "Do you have any idea when she will wake up?" He needed to know what to expect. With so many things unsure, he needed some idea of what would happen next.
"Not really, every patient is a little different, but it could take up to two hours." The doctor gave him a once over, and Elliot knew he was concerned over his haggard appearance.
Elliot felt the need to cut off his concern. "I'll sleep when she's awake." He hadn't slept much in the past few days. He tried, but any time he closed his eyes, anxiety gripped his chest. He spent his nights watching her heart monitor instead. The steady rhythm assured him that she was still alive.
The doctor still appeared disconcerted, but let it drop. "We will leave you alone, but grab a nurse once she regains consciousness."
"Of course," Elliot agreed. He hoped she'd come back to him soon because there was no way he was doing life without her.