Shelby knew what Rachel was doing, even if Rachel didn't quite understand what she was doing. Rachel was testing her boundaries. She was pushing her limits and trying to work out if Shelby meant all the things she'd said. Shelby also thought that Rachel was so convinced Shelby was going to send her to live with a different family, that she was trying to give her a reason to do that. Shelby didn't fall for it though, she'd been here before, she stayed firm but fair, giving warnings when Rachel broke the rules, and a consequence if it happened again. After every punishment she made sure to explain to Rachel why she was punished, and remind her that it was done with now, that she was starting with a clean slate.
Rachel had been acting out all week but everything came to a head on Friday evening, she'd been pushing Shelby's buttons all week, ignoring everything Shelby said, doing everything she could think of to try and get a reaction from the woman. "Rachel" Shelby said firmly as they sat at the kitchen table, "eat your dinner please, you need to at least try one bite and if you don't like it, I'll make you something else" Rachel was just playing with the food, Shelby hadn't even seen her take one bite of it yet and she was getting it everywhere. As Shelby expected, Rachel just glared at her and carried on with what she was doing. "Rachel."
"No!" Rachel pushed the plate away, shoving it so hard it slid off the table and smashed on the floor, food and china splattering across the tile. Rachel froze, she hadn't meant to push it that hard, she just wanted to push it away. She was really going to be in trouble now! She didn't even know why she was misbehaving, it was like she couldn't stop herself and now she was going to be sent away.
Shelby was silent for a moment as she composed herself, not wanting to lose her temper. "I think you need to go upstairs and get ready for bed" Shelby told her, the tone of her voice letting Rachel know she meant business, "I will clean this mess up and then come up, when I come up I want you to have cleaned your teeth, changed into your pyjamas and got into bed. Do you understand?" Rachel nodded and Shelby pointed to the side of the table opposite the food, "walk this way please. I don't want you to cut your feet."
Rachel raced up to her bedroom and slammed the door shut, Shelby rolling her eyes at the sound as she took a few minutes to compose herself before she began cleaning up the mess.
Rachel changed and used the bathroom before getting into bed, burying her face in her blankie as her tears began to fall. She was really hungry, she didn't know why she hadn't eaten her dinner, she was so stupid, and she'd really made Shelby mad. She'd said she'd never send Rachel to bed without her dinner and now she'd done that because Rachel wasted her food, she was so stupid, it was no wonder nobody wanted her. Rachel's tears fell faster and she sobbed silently into her blankie as she realised that Shelby was probably calling Sarah right now to tell her to take Rachel away.
Shelby cleaned up the mess and mopped the floor before heading upstairs, slightly surprised to find Rachel had done as she asked, the girl curled up facing the wall, "thank you for doing as I asked" she said as she walked into the room, "now, when we talked about consequences for your actions, I told you I'd never make you skip a meal as punishment and I meant that, I've brought up a sandwich and some fruit, I'll put it on your desk. If you eat that and you're still hungry then come downstairs and I'll make you something else, otherwise, unless it's an emergency or you're using the bathroom, you need to stay in here until the morning okay?" Rachel nodded but didn't turn to look at Shelby, she was confused, why was she still being nice to her. "Your behaviour tonight has been unacceptable Rachel, do you want me to tell me what's wrong do you want to tell me why you're acting like this?" Shelby knew what Rachel was doing but she wanted to give the girl the opportunity to talk about it if she wanted to. Rachel shook her head. "Okay" Shelby turned on Rachel's nightlight before pulling the curtains closed, "would you like a story?" Once again Rachel shook her head, she was bad, she didn't deserve a story. Shelby didn't question it, just respected Rachel's choice, "okay? Can I tuck you in?" Again she saw Rachel shake her head, "okay, in that case, I'll see you in the morning then unless you need something else to eat. Tomorrow we start over again with a clean slate, we could even go out somewhere if the weather's nice. Sleep well."
Rachel waited until Shelby left the room, managing to hold herself together until she heard the creak of the bottom step before she began to cry again. She was so confused, she'd been really bad. She'd thrown her dinner on the floor and broken a plate but Shelby had given her something else to eat and she'd told her she could ask for more food. And she'd offered to read her a story and tuck her in. And said they could go out tomorrow. She couldn't understand why anyone would want to be nice to her when she was so horrible.
She turned on the small side lamp and got out of bed, intending to get the sandwich, but when she saw Shelby had made her favourite, she found herself crawling into her tent with her blankie, pulling the blanket up over her head as she cried, everything was so strange and confusing and she didn't know how to deal with any of it. She wanted Shelby to be angry, to yell and scream at her. She understood that, she knew how to cope with people shouting at her and telling her off, she didn't know how to cope with people being nice to her and keeping their promises.
Shelby reheated her own dinner when she went downstairs, deciding to finish it in front of the TV with a glass of wine, she felt she'd earned it after the week she'd had. She put her plate in the dishwasher once she'd finished and did a few other things to keep her busy before going upstairs a little over thirty minutes after she'd come down. She hadn't drawn attention to it but she'd noticed Rachel was crying and she wanted to make sure that she'd calmed down.
She hadn't. When Shelby reached the top of the stairs she could hear Rachel sobbing, the girl sounding like she was gasping for breath as she cried. She stepped straight into the room, instantly seeing Rachel curled up in her tent, and she fought the urge to race over and lift the girl into her arms, respecting the unspoken rule that she didn't go into the tent. "Rachel" she sat on the floor, "can you take that blanket off your face? I can help you but you need to let me see your beautiful face okay?" Rachel's hands shook but she did as Shelby asked, not wanting to get in any more trouble. "Good girl, well done" Shelby praised, "now I need you to sing with me. Twinkle twinkle little star. You know that one, sing it with me" she knew singing would help Rachel regulate her breathing and hopefully calm her down. "Twinkle twinkle little star… Come on, sing with me, let me hear that sweet voice of yours" she encouraged.
"Tw, twin-kle, tw-winkle l, little, star" Rachel stuttered, desperate to do as she was asked, wanting to make Shelby happy.
"Good girl, you're doing so well, can we sing the next bit together?" They sang the song through three times before, on the fourth round, Rachel was able to complete it without gasping for breath part way through, "that's it, is that better? Can you breathe easier now?" Rachel nodded, "if you need me I'm here" she told her, "I'm not mad or angry, I just want to help you calm down, I know it can be scary to be really upset especially when you're on your own, so if it's okay with you, I'd like to stay here with you to keep you company."
They sat in silence for a while, Rachel still sniffling occasionally as she laid in her tent, Shelby sat on the carpet in the middle of the room, wondering if Rachel was going to fall asleep in the tent, she did seem to be a lot calmer than she had been before. She was surprised when Rachel cautiously reached out a hand, but she simply moved closer and let Rachel take hold of her hand, but she was even more surprised when she felt a gentle tug, saw Rachel looking shyly up at her, "Rachel?" Rachel said nothing but tugged again on Shelby's hand, "you want me to come in?"
Rachel nodded, she felt safe in her tent, but now she felt safe with Shelby too, and she wanted both those comforts at the same time. "Okay, well why don't you climb out for just a second? I'll get in first and then you can lay near the door so you can get out if you want to?" Rachel agreed with another nod but she didn't let go of Shelby's hand as she shuffled out of the tent, crawling straight back in when she got the okay from Shelby.
Shelby wanted to cry herself when Rachel turned on the fairy lights and closed the opening to the tent, shutting them both inside, it was the biggest step she'd taken towards showing Shelby that she trusted her her. Shelby was a little uncomfortable curled up in the tent but it meant the world to her that, not only did Rachel invite her to lay with her Rachel trusted her enough to stay with her whilst she shut out the rest of the world. Rachel picked up her blankie again before she laid down, curling herself into Shelby and clinging tightly to her, "I'm sorry I'm so bad" she whispered.
"You're not bad" Shelby reminded her, "sometimes you make bad decisions or you behave badly, but you are not bad."
"I don't want you to send me away, I just want to be good but I'm too stupid."
"You're not stupid either, you might be confused or scared or angry, or anxious or overwhelmed, but you're not stupid and you're not bad. You're Rachel, and you're still learning and that's okay."
"Are you going to send me away?"
"Only if you want to live somewhere else" Shelby stroked her hand down Rachel's back, "if you're happy here then I'm happy for you to be here too."
"I want to stay here but I don't understand." Rachel admitted, her tears beginning to soak through Shelby's shirt.
"What don't you understand?" Shelby asked, "maybe I can explain it to you."
"Why are you always nice to me? Why don't you shout and yell? And why did you want to read me a story and tuck me in?"
"I'm nice to you because I like you, and I want you to be happy, and I don't shout or yell because I don't like shouting, if I start shouting then that might make you angry and then we'd both just be shouting at each other, I think it's much nicer when we can sit calmly and talk to each other like this. And your punishment tonight was an early bedtime, so I was happy to do all the things you do at your normal bedtime, I thought a story might give you some time to calm down a little too, but it's okay that you said no."
"But I'm bad and bad girls don't get stories."
Shelby frowned at Rachel's words, "is that one of our rules? Is it on the list we made?" she felt Rachel shake her head against her chest, "then it doesn't apply in this house. Early bedtime in this house means just that, we do everything we do at your normal bedtime, just earlier than usual."
"Will you read to me?" Rachel whispered.
"Of course" Shelby ran her hand over Rachel's hair, "but before I read to you and tuck you in, can you do something for me?" Rachel nodded, she was going to be good, she was going to do everything Shelby asked her to do. "Can you try and eat that sandwich for me? I know your tummy might feel a bit funny after crying so much, but I don't want to put you to bed without having you eat anything." She was sure the seven year old had been struggling with a panic attack when she found her, and that thought sat heavy in Shelby's chest, she knew she needed to talk to Rachel about therapy and decided that now might be a good time for that.
"Will you sit with me?"
"Of course, I'll sit with you when you eat, then I'll read you a story and tuck you in, and if you want me to, I'll stay until you fall asleep."
"Thank you for being nice to me" Rachel said as she sat on Shelby's lap a few moments later, eating her sandwich, Shelby had even wrapped it up to stop it getting dry, even though Rachel knew she didn't deserve it.
"You don't need to thank me for that Rachel, I will try my best to always be nice to you." She watched Rachel eat a few more bites of her sandwich before asking, "can I talk to you about something?" Rachel nodded and continued to chew, "you know how we've talked before about how you feel a lot of things and you don't always know how to deal with that?" Rachel nodded again, "how would you feel about talking to someone about that?"
"You?"
Shelby smiled, "you can talk to me if you want to, but there are special types of doctors that you can talk to, they'll help you understand how you're feeling and they can teach you ways, good ways to cope with it."
"Do I have to go away?"
"Absolutely not. It would just be an appointment, I can't be sure until I make it, but I think it might be about an hour every week, I'll take you there and stay in the waiting room until you're done, then we'll come back here together.
Rachel frowned, "I want you to come with me!"
"I think it would be better if you did it on your own, so you don't have to worry about me hearing what you say, but if you want me to, I'll come with you the first few times as you get used to it. And I'll make sure they know that you can come out and check I'm still there if you need to." Rachel nodded and Shelby gently stroked her back, "will you let me make an appointment for you?" she asked, "if you don't like it or you don't like the person then we can try again with someone else."
"Will it stop me being bad?"
"You're not bad Rachel, but speaking to someone might help you deal with all the confusing thoughts and worries that make you want to act out sometimes and find other ways to deal with that."
"Okay" Rachel whispered, "I'll go. I want to be good so you won't send me away"
Shelby tightened the arm she had around Rachel's waist, "I know you might not believe me, and that's okay, you've moved around a lot and I know it might be hard for you to trust me, but I'll keep saying it, and I'll keep showing you, that there is nothing you could do to make me want to send you away. Even if you're really angry, even if you misbehave every day, I'd do whatever I could to help you, you've been moved around so many times, I know you don't want it to happen again, and I don't want you to have to move again, I want you to be able to settle somewhere and feel comfortable and secure and, if you want it too, I'd like that place to be here."
"I want it to be here too" Rachel sniffled, "this is the bestest place I've ever lived."
"I'm glad to hear that, and we'll keep going yeah, even on the days where everything feels horrible, we'll work through them together."
"And you won't send me away?"
"I haven't sent a child away yet and I've had a lot of them, and some of them did much, much worse than break a plate."
"Really?"
"Really." Shelby carefully turned Rachel around so they were sat face to face, "I am not going to send you away Rachel, I can't promise you'll be here forever because you might decide you want to leave, or Sarah might think there's another family that's better for you to live with, but I promise you, I promise that I will never send you away." Rachel nodded and Shelby knew the girl didn't believe her but she was okay with that, she'd just keep showing Rachel that she meant it. There'd be rules and when they got broken there'd be consequences, but then they'd move on. "Are you finished eating?" Shelby asked as she felt Rachel snuggle into her, getting a nod against her shoulder in return, "Okay, go use the bathroom and clean your teeth again please and then we can read for a little while and get you settled so you can go to sleep."
Rachel nodded again and reluctantly pulled herself away from Shelby, slowly walking out of the room towards the bathroom. Shelby glanced at her watch, it was past Rachel's usual bedtime, heading towards the time Shelby let her stay up til at the weekend anyway, but she didn't mind, she knew Rachel was meant to be being punished, but she couldn't leave her crying and upset, she knew Rachel knew what she'd done was wrong and Shelby would rather comfort her and let Rachel know she was there for her no matter how she was feeling, instead of the girl thinking she was bad and Shelby didn't want her around.
"You can pick out two stories" Shelby told her when she came back into the room, "we'll read one together and then you can get into bed and we'll read the second."
"Okay" as Rachel chose two books, Shelby reached into the tent, grabbing Rachel's blankie for her.
"Come on then" Shelby sat on the bed once Rachel said she'd chosen, "which one do you want first?" She was surprised that Rachel climbed onto her lap instead of sitting beside her, but she didn't mind, if Rachel was comfortable and needed comfort then Shelby would give her that.
They read the first story together before Shelby laid Rachel in the bed and sat on the edge to read the second book, smiling to herself as she saw Rachel rub sleepily at her eyes, blanket clutched in her fist, before her thumb found its way to her mouth. She finished the story, despite the fact that Rachel had fallen asleep part way through, and as she did every night, she brushed Rachel's hair back from her face as she stood from the bed and whispered softly, "goodnight Rachel, sweet dreams.
When Rachel woke the next morning she slipped from her bed and padded quietly down the hall. She poked her head through Shelby's open bedroom door and instantly felt tears pricking at her eyes. Shelby's bed was empty. Shelby had left her, and she ran back to her bedroom, sliding under her bed and pulling the duvet down there under her head as she began to sob.
Shelby heard Rachel wake and made her way upstairs, quickening her pace when she heard Rachel's footsteps race back down the hall. "Rachel?" she could hear the girls cries, and she laid on the floor by Rachel's bed, "Rachel, what's wrong?"
Rachel poked her head out from under the blanket, scrambling out and throwing herself at Shelby when she saw her. "You'd gone" she sobbed. "I came to see you and you were gone."
"Oh Rachel" Shelby held Rachel close, "I hadn't left you, I was just downstairs making pancake batter for our breakfast."
"You didn't leave me?"
"I was right downstairs" Shelby told her, "look at me, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't go anywhere dressed like this can I?"