Title: "The Stillness Disintegration" - Chapter Two

Author's Note: This is going to be kind of a random author's note. There's not much to say about this story here right now, but I did want to update you all on my other story, "The Neurobiologist's Evanescence."

On June 7, 2023, my house caught on fire. It happened during the day; I was home, along with a couple of other family members. We all made it out safely, as well as our dogs. We lost our cat, Lucy, though. There was no time to save her. :(

My husband, children, and I are currently living with my parents. It has been a MAJOR adjustment, as you can imagine, and there's the stress of still not knowing what's going to happen with our house- as insurance hasn't made their final decision yet. Most likely, we will have to rebuild. Only about 1/3 of the house caught fire, but the smoke and water damage destroyed the rest.

Needless to say, I don't have a lot of time for fanfic (reading or writing,) but I had been thinking about this current story for weeks before the fire and wanted to get it out before I continued "TNE." So I'm hoping to go back to it after this story is posted, but everything is going to take me a lot more time than it did before. I just wanted to let everyone know why I kind of fell off the face of the earth. I'm still here! Things will just be slow for awhile. Thanks for your understanding!

November 2016

Three weeks after Amy had run into Sheldon at the bookstore, she made the terrible decision to stop at the coffee shop where they'd first met, to get a coffee and work on her latest research paper. She didn't know why she had pulled her car into the parking lot— it hadn't been a conscious decision, but as usual over the last three weeks, Sheldon had been on her mind. Apparently, she enjoyed torturing herself.

Her fingers flew over the keyboard of her laptop, as she sat at a small table in the middle of the cafe. She finished her sentence, then sighed and frowned at the screen with her fingers hovering over the keys. All she had been able to accomplish was rewriting the last paragraph three times, and she still didn't think she was satisfied with it. She cleared her throat to conceal a groan of defeat, then reached for her warm decaf coffee. She had taken to drinking it instead of tea. Hot tea had been a Sheldon thing and she hadn't been able to swallow it down without getting nauseous since they had broken up.

She hung her head and closed her eyes, sighing heavily as she reached up with her free hand to pinch the bridge of her nose in aggravation. Another night of work lost to the distraction of her ex. She truly didn't understand why she had ever thought she'd be able to get any work done here.

Suddenly, the hair on the back of her neck stood up and a warm shiver ran down her spine. Amy straightened in her seat, curious about the odd sensation, before glancing over her shoulder to see if something had caused it. She froze when she locked eyes with Dr. Sheldon Cooper, standing at the cash register with his hand lifted in a slight wave.

She quickly turned back around, then cursed, "shit," under her breath, before turning back to wave awkwardly at him. He smiled at her and once again, she turned around, squeezing her eyes shut tightly as she muttered under her breath.

How could this happen? Twice in one month! She was never going to get over him if he kept popping back up in her vicinity. Maybe it was time to move to Idaho, start a potato farm, and forget about science, California, and that damn ex-boyfriend of hers.

And her body! How could it possibly know he was in the room before she even did? It didn't make sense... unless... she'd been able to smell his pheromones or...

Her mind started to race, but she was quickly cut off from her thoughts when he stepped up next to her and smiled. "Is this seat taken?"

"Oh!" Her hand flew to her chest. "Um, well... no, it's not... but I was just leaving."

The grin dropped from his face, turning into a frown. "Oh."

Amy started to gather her things. "Go on, have a seat. It'll just be a moment and I'll be out of your way."

Sheldon slipped into the chair across from her, placing his cup on the table. Then he reached across the table and wrapped his fingers around her forearm. She stilled, frozen in place, as the warmth from his hand managed to seep through the two layers of clothing that covered her there. She suppressed a shudder and looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes. She needed him to stop touching her.

He pulled his hand back suddenly, as if he was surprised by his actions. He awkwardly dropped his hands into his lap and met her gaze. "Won't you stay for a bit?" He asked softly.

Amy turned towards him fully, studying his face with a lump in her throat. After a few heavy seconds, she asked, "Why?"

Sheldon frowned. "I just thought it might be nice to catch up some more— since we seem to keep bumping into each other."

Amy swallowed and looked around the fated coffee shop. "Oh." She cleared her throat. "Um... what about..."

"Vanessa?"

Amy nodded quickly.

"Oh, she's not here. It's just me."

"I see." She swallowed and clutched her knees in her hands. "I don't know, Sheldon." She shrugged. "I don't think this is a good idea."

His brows furrowed together in confusion. "Why?" He asked innocently.

"You're... in a relationship. I don't have much experience in the realm of exes, but... I believe Vanessa might not be happy to know we are fraternizing."

Sheldon swung his hand in front of his face. "Nonsense. We're in a public place, just two old friends having a chat."

Amy leaned forward slightly. "Are we?"

"Having a chat? It appears so."

"No." She swallowed and looked away again. "Friends..."

The air was thick between them and she didn't meet his gaze again, until he said, "Well... I realize we haven't seen each other in a year, but I... would consider you to be my friend."

Amy's heart swooped in her chest. She hated herself for being giddy at the idea of being his friend. "Even after I broke up with you?" She murmured.

Sheldon shrugged. "I won't pretend it wasn't painful, but... it's been a year now. I think we can move past that, don't you?"

Amy looked down at her now closed laptop. "I don't know," she answered honestly.

"Well, let's give it a try. Consider it an experiment."

Amy sighed and leaned back into her chair. "Okay," she said quietly, defeated.

"Okay?" He asked cheerfully, his eyes bright and relieved.

She nodded. "Just for a bit. I really do need to get home, finish up my paper."

"What are you writing about?" He asked.

Amy briefly ran through the idea behind her paper, not wanting to prolong the conversation. He had never really cared about her work, anyway.

"That's interesting. I'll be watching for it to get published."

"Mm."

"So, how have you been? Are you working on anything interesting at UCLA?"

Amy licked her lips, trying not to notice when Sheldon's eyes dipped down to her mouth. "I've been okay. Good, actually," she lied. "I started some interesting research on drug use amongst bonobos. It appears they enjoy getting high on mushrooms found in the forest."

"Even the apes are getting high these days, huh?"

Amy snorted in amusement and Sheldon grinned, sending a lightning bolt of heat straight through her. She looked down at the table again, embarrassed by her strong reaction to him. "Seems that way."

"So... you're doing well, then?"

She nodded.

"You've lost some weight," Sheldon said quietly.

Amy blushed, her gaze skittering away from his. "It's not apropos to comment on a lady's weight, Sheldon."

He frowned. "I wasn't trying to— I didn't mean..." He rolled his eyes. "I was just making an observation in concern for your well-being."

"Well, you don't have to worry about me. I'm doing great. I went on a diet. Cleaned up my eating, started taking more walks. Just trying to be healthier," she lied. "I've had a lot of time on my hands lately."

"You don't come around anymore," he said softly and she wondered at the pain she saw flicker across his face.

"Yes, well, we broke up. And our friends were your friends first, as you so kindly pointed out to me once."

Sheldon frowned. "No one pushed you out."

"I didn't say they did," Amy replied haughtily. "It just didn't take you long to replace me. And I don't feel comfortable hanging around with your new girlfriend."

Anger rolled over his face like a shadow. "You left me, Amy. You can't blame me for moving on."

She softened slightly at his words. "You're right, I can't. I... don't." Lies. So many lies she had to tell to protect her heart, protect his feelings, keep the status quo. She did blame him. She still couldn't believe him. Couldn't believe that he could just move on to the next woman so quickly, like she had meant nothing to him. What they'd had... she thought it meant something. To both of them. But it turns out, she had been wrong all along.

Tears burned her eyes, so she looked away from him, looked out over the crowd of other customers, waiting for her eyes to clear, for the squeezing pain around her heart to lessen.

"Do you come here often?" Sheldon asked quietly, changing the subject.

Her eyes flew back to his. She shook her head quickly. "No. I haven't been back since... the last time we were here." Her voice trailed off on a whisper, her throat suddenly dry.

He nodded, searching her eyes. "Hmm."

"Do you?" She asked softly.

He shrugged. "On occasion. I like their tea." His eyelid twitched and she stared at him curiously.

He's lying... About which part? She wondered. The tea or how often he comes here?

"You know, this is the coffee shop where we met," Sheldon murmured.

Amy rolled her eyes. As if she needed to be reminded of that. "Of course I know that."

He shrugged and fiddled with the sleeve around his paper cup. "I wasn't sure..."

How could you not be sure? She wanted to scream. How could you think I would ever forget? My entire life changed in this stupid coffee shop.

"I may not have your eidetic memory, but I could never forget... this place." She couldn't look at him. Her cheeks burned. She wanted to run. Things were getting too complicated now, they were treading towards dangerous territory.

Amy quickly reached for her laptop, picking it up and sliding it into her messenger bag. "Well, I really should be going. I'm not making as much progress as I would like on this paper and I should get back to it," she rambled.

"Amy."

She stilled, her hands clutching at her bag. Slowly, she turned her head towards his and met his gaze. A thousand unspoken words passed between them, yet neither one could guess what the other was thinking. It was awkward and painful and she needed to get the hell out of there before she burst into tears.

"Will you come to dinner with all of us sometime soon? I know everyone misses you."

Amy smiled sadly. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Vanessa—"

"I'll talk to her. I'm sure it will be fine."

Amy chuckled dryly. "Trust me, Sheldon. She's a woman. I'm your ex. It will be a disaster."

He frowned. "But that's not fair, you shouldn't be ostracized from our friend group simply because we broke up."

Amy snorted, annoyed with him. "You're a little late to this pity party, Sheldon." She threw the strap of her bag over her head, looping it across her shoulder. "I've been 'ostracized' for a year now," she said, complete with finger quotations.

He scoffed. "And what? You're mad at me for that? You're the one who walked away. From me... from our friends... You ostracized yourself."

Amy nodded, her lips pursed in a tight, disingenuous smile. "You're right." She stood up, keeping her voice as low and quiet as she could, so as not to attract attention from the other customers. "I am painfully aware of how all of this is my fault. I don't need any reminders from you. Good day, Sheldon."

She turned to leave, but he stopped her with the plea in his voice. "Amy—"

She gave him one last look. She had to go. She was going to cry if she didn't leave right that very second.

"Goodbye, Sheldon."

Then she turned and walked out of the coffee shop, determinedly hurrying to her car. She didn't know if he would follow her, but she couldn't risk him catching up with her. She had to make it, had to get all the way out of there before she lost it.

She slammed the car door behind her quickly, throwing her bag on the passenger seat. Her keys were already in her hand and she quickly turned the ignition, before peeling carelessly out of the parking lot, onto the road. Luckily, the road was clear and she didn't cause an accident.

She drove for as long as she could, as far as she could, before the ache in her chest overwhelmed her and the dam broke on her tears. She pulled into an empty parking lot, put the car in park, and promptly started to sob. Shudders wracked her body as the nearly inhuman sound of her sobs escaped her.

The pain rushed over her like a tidal wave, suffocating her with its intensity. She couldn't see, couldn't hear anything over the crushing weight of despair.

This was her life now. Loneliness and heartache was all she knew. And it was all her fault.

She did this.

The next few days passed in a dark blur. Amy went to work, then came home and buried herself in her bed, only coming out long enough to care for Murphy and attend to her most basic needs.

On Friday evening, she burrowed into her bed, thankful that the weekend had finally arrived and she could mope around her apartment for the next couple of days without having to face anyone or pretend that everything was fine. It was exhausting.

Murphy hopped up onto the bed next to her and she smiled. "Hey buddy." Amy ran her hand down his back, giving the top of his butt a thorough scratch. "I'm sorry I'm being such a hermit," she murmured. "It's been a rough few days, but I'll bounce back." She sighed. "I always do."

Her phone chimed from its spot on the nightstand and she reached for it without thinking. She had a text from Penny.

Hey bestie, r u home?

Amy sighed. Of course I'm home, she thought. Where the hell else would I be on a Friday night?

Yes. She answered simply, without thinking.

Great! I'm coming over. Be there in 5!

"Shit!" Amy muttered and furiously began typing her reply.

I'm sorry, Penny, but it's been a rough week. I'm not really in the mood for company. Maybe we can get together next weekend?

She waited impatiently for Penny's response.

Company? What company? I'm ur best friend & I'm coming over. Unlock the door, I'll let myself in.

Amy groaned.

I'm already in my pajamas.

A last-ditch effort.

A few seconds later… Cool, I'll bring up the overnight bag n my trunk. C u soon.

"Shit," Amy cursed again, before heaving a sigh and hauling herself up and out of the bed. "I guess we're going to have a visitor," she told Murphy as they walked together to her bathroom.

Amy looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was already a mess from the few minutes she'd spent in bed sans barrette. The dark shadows under her eyes stood out in stark contrast to the paleness of her skin, despite the leftover makeup she hadn't bothered to wash off her face. She figured she'd probably lost another pound or so in the last several days. She looked awful. She felt awful.

But who was she kidding? She didn't care. She smoothed her hair down with her hands, then shrugged. Screw it. There was no hiding from Penny, anyway. She would see right through whatever charade Amy tried to pull. Might as well not even bother.

Amy walked out into her living room, then crossed over to the door to unlock it as Penny requested. Then she moved to her couch and flopped down on it with a sigh. She pulled the throw off the back of the couch and tossed it over her legs. Murphy jumped up and she spent the next couple of minutes petting him as they waited for Penny.

In true Penny fashion, she showed up after ten minutes, not five, but Amy didn't mind. It had given her time to calm herself, to mentally prepare for the conversation to come.

Unfortunately, it didn't work. As soon as Penny closed the door behind her and took a step towards Amy, she burst into tears.

"Oh, honey," Penny said, dropping her bag on the floor before rushing over. She placed the wine bottle she was holding onto the coffee table, then sat down next to Amy and enveloped the crying woman in her arms.

Murphy jumped down, getting out of the way, and sauntered towards the kitchen. Neither woman noticed.

Instead of talking, Penny just held Amy, letting her best friend cry without interruption. She stroked Amy's hair, rocking slightly.

After several minutes had passed, Amy pulled back with an apologetic look on her face. "Sorry," she murmured in a thick, tear-soaked voice.

"Don't be." Penny smiled softly. "I had a feeling you needed a hug."

"How did you know?" Amy sniffled and wiped her hand under her nose.

Penny stood up and looked around, finding a box of tissues on the corner of a nearby bookshelf. She grabbed it and brought it back to Amy. "I talked to Sheldon last night."

"Oh." Amy took a tissue from the box and loudly blew her nose.

Penny winced at the sound and said, "He told me he ran into you a few weeks ago at Barnes & Noble. With Vanessa. And that he saw you a few days ago at the coffee shop."

Amy nodded and smoothed her hands over the blanket in her lap. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me you saw him at the bookstore?" Penny asked, but her voice was gentle, not accusatory.

Amy shrugged. "I've spent the better part of the year avoiding talking about him."

Penny frowned. "Yeah. You have." She made a sour face. "It pissed me off."

Amy let out a strangled chuckle. "Sorry."

Penny shrugged. "Don't be. I get it. I just wish you would have opened up to me more. It can't be good to hold all of this inside of you."

"You're like a sister to Sheldon… It's… difficult… to talk about him… with you," Amy admitted quietly.

"Screw that," Penny argued. "I love him, but I love you, too. You're my best friend." Then she sighed. "Okay, so I'm not the best at keeping secrets and keeping my nose out of other people's business, but if it's important, I will. I can. It bothers me that you've isolated yourself, away from all of us. We care about you. We want you to be happy."

Amy shrugged. "I guess I know that, but I just... don't fit... anymore. He replaced me with Vanessa. I can't... hang out with her. Watch them together. See her in my spot next to him on the couch. And just... act like it doesn't bother me. Act like I don't care. I don't want to be her friend."

Penny frowned. "No one is asking you to be."

"Sheldon did."

"What?" Penny exclaimed loudly.

"Well, that's not entirely true. He didn't ask me to be friends with her, per se, but he said he considers me a friend and he invited me to come have dinner with the gang sometime."

Penny scoffed. "Idiot."

"Right? I didn't even tell him how uncomfortable that would make me feel. I just explained that Vanessa probably wouldn't enjoy it very much."

"Screw Vanessa." Penny scowled.

Amy's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You don't like her?"

Penny sighed. "I... I don't know. She's weird."

"You used to think I was weird."

Penny grinned. "I still think you're weird," she teased.

Amy chuckled. "Fair enough."

"But no... when you first came around, things were awkward. You were robotic like Sheldon. But you learned quickly how to be a part of the group. You wanted to fit in and you made it happen. Vanessa... doesn't. She doesn't try. She's never come to a girl's night, even though we've invited her."

Amy screwed up her nose in disgust.

"We didn't really want to, but Leonard and Howard thought we should. So we tried a couple times, when you weren't there, but she never came." Penny shrugged. "She doesn't make any attempt to get to know any of us, really. She just gushes over Sheldon or joins in on the science discussions. I think the guys like her a bit more than Bernadette and I do, because she's into some of their nerdy stuff. But mostly she just hangs on Sheldon and tolerates the rest of us."

"She hangs on Sheldon?" Amy asked in disbelief.

"Yeah... she doesn't respect his space like you did. I honestly don't know how or why he puts up with it. He's constantly shoving her off of him."

"Weird," Amy murmured. She hadn't always wanted to respect his space, but she had because she didn't think he would tolerate anything less. It was shocking to hear that he put up with it now. It was painful to think about, but she was also curious. There had to be a reason for it. Sheldon Cooper was not a man afraid to speak his feelings. At least, not about the things that made him physically uncomfortable. Whenever she got too touchy-feely with him, he would scold her, whether they were in front of their friends or alone with each other. He had never been afraid to do that before. Maybe he just didn't mind when Vanessa hung on him.

Pain twisted in her gut like a knife. Maybe she had been the problem all along.

"What's that face?" Penny asked worriedly. "What's going on in your head? You look like you want to cry again."

"If I tried to hang on him, he would shrug me off or scold me. Usually both." Her chin quivered as tears gathered in her eyes. "Why doesn't he do that with her? He likes her more than he liked me," Amy wailed, then covered her face with her hands as the tears began to fall.

"Oh, Ames. I don't think that's true. Not even a little bit," Penny said as she rubbed Amy's shoulder. "Sheldon loved you. I'm sure of that."

Amy dropped her hands into her lap and looked at her friend, her cheeks stained with tears. "That's the problem," she whispered. "You used the past tense— loved. But I still love him. I'm afraid I always will."

"Sweetie." Penny pulled Amy into another hug. "Why haven't we talked about this before? Why didn't you tell me you still felt this way?" She asked gently.

"Because it's all my fault. I did this. I broke up with him, I distanced myself from him and he just... moved on. Like I meant nothing to him."

"I know that's not true. Sheldon is like a brother to me. And I'm good at reading people. He cared about you so much. And clearly he still does. He wants to be your friend. He invited you to hang out with all of us."

"Yes, but does he still love me?" Amy asked, pulling back to look in her best friend's eyes, searching for the truth.

Penny sighed heavily. "I... I don't know." She frowned. "I want to say yes, for your sake, but the truth is... Sheldon hasn't been himself over this past year, either. He's more withdrawn. We don't talk as much anymore, at least, not about his life or his feelings. He used to come to me for advice, but he doesn't anymore."

"Do you think he's in love with Vanessa?"

Penny winced. "I'm sorry, Amy. I don't know the answer to that. I don't have as much insider information as I did when you were with him."

"But what do you think?"

Penny sighed. "I think... Since the two of you broke up, neither of you have been yourselves. You're both shells of the people you were before." She shrugged. "But I also find it strange that he would date someone else... stay with someone else, if he didn't truly care about them... You know how he is... He doesn't tolerate... most people."

Amy's face fell and Penny scrambled to fix it. "But... he doesn't look at her the way he used to look at you."

Amy gasped, her hand fluttering up to cover her mouth. "What do you mean?" She whispered, her eyes wide in surprise. "How did he look at me?"

Penny shrugged again. "Just... I don't know... When you said something he thought was funny, he would laugh so... openly. Like he thought you were the most hilarious person ever. Or if you said something smart, he would just... get this proud look in his eyes, like you were the most brilliant person he'd ever seen. I don't know how to explain it..."

Amy's chin trembled. "I think you did a pretty good job," she whispered shakily. "Thank you, Penny."

Penny patted Amy's hand. "The thing is, Ames... I can't answer these questions for you. I'm just guessing, really. The only way you'll find out for sure is if you talk to him."

Amy scoffed. "I can't do that! He has a girlfriend. It's been too long, he... maybe he wants to be my friend because he misses certain aspects of our relationship or something, but if he truly still loved me, he wouldn't be with... her."

"I don't know, Ames, maybe he has a good reason for it. Something we haven't thought of. You won't know until you try..."

"If I try and he rejects me..." Amy released a sudden, unexpected sob. "I won't survive it, Penny. It's already... too much. It hurts. I hurt. All the time. I can't... I can't do it..."

She hung her head and cried, letting every ounce of pain flow through her and down her cheeks. If only crying would actually release the pain— but it was always there, bubbling under the surface.

Penny rubbed her shoulder, at a loss for words. Finally, after a few moments, she spoke. "Well... I can't tell you what to do, but... if it were me, I think... I would have to take the chance. I mean, look at me and Leonard... How many times did we break up? If we hadn't taken one more chance, we wouldn't be happily married." Penny rolled her eyes. "Well, mostly happy." She smirked and shot a crooked grin at Amy.

"Yeah, but... Sheldon has Vanessa. I don't want to be a home-wrecker," Amy said.

"I get that," Penny replied, as Amy wiped at her wet cheeks. "But like I said... Sheldon hasn't been himself for the last year, either." She shrugged. "I just... get the feeling that he's not truly happy, either. Maybe you guys are meant to be..." She trailed off and watched as Amy contemplated that. "You were so good for him, Ames. You really helped him seem more human. You softened all his rough edges." Penny smiled.

Amy nodded. "Yeah... I made him more tolerable to other women," she quipped with a frown.

Penny sighed heavily, but Amy lifted her hand and cut her off before she could say anything.

"Sorry. I know, I keep—"

"Beating a dead horse?" Penny interrupted, her Nebraska upbringing shining through.

Amy made a face. "Um, sure." She sighed and rubbed a hand over her forehead. "Anyway, I... um... I'll think about it."

"Promise?" Penny asked with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah. I promise," she muttered.

"Great!" Penny stood up and smiled. "Now it's wine time! Where do you keep your corkscrew?"

End Note: Y'all, I totally just made up the bit about bonobos getting high on shrooms. Lol! I was just trying to come up with something that Amy might study. I am not a scientist, so you'll have to forgive me for embellishing these parts (or just skipping them entirely, like when Sheldon asked about her paper.)

And please, don't hate Sheldon too much. There's a method to my madness, okay? :D