Chapter 11 Affannato (Or, in an anguished tone)

Asuka dropped her phone.

She'd heard Doctor Shino's words, but it felt like they'd been said to someone else.

"I'm so sorry, Asuka."

The sadness in the doctor's voice...

"Your eggs weren't just abnormal. They were significantly aged beyond what we would expect with your condition. I've never seen anything like it. Based on what we're seeing here, I don't think you'll be able to conceive."

Asuka had always been afraid of this. In the back of her mind, she'd always worried that this body—this yoesi body, stuck somewhere between immortal and mortal, like demi-god but worse in every sense, could carry a child.

But today…she had allowed herself to hope. To dream of twins snuggling into her chest. Of laughter and pitter-patter of little feet down the hallway. Of late nights, of Kurama's emerald eyes shining up at her from a son or daughter.

Why?

Asuka sat frozen.

It's not fair.

The bruises across her abdomen and thighs. The appointment load. The drugs. Feeling trashed. All of it—for nothing.

I never should've tried. I knew.

She knew.

Asuka's cell phone buzzed at her feet. She picked it up and saw a message from Kurama.

Kurama: Hi, Love. I just got out of a meeting. Hear anything from the doctor?

She bit her lip and forced herself to reply.

Asuka: No, not yet. Still waiting
Kurama: I see. Well, hopefully, she calls soon. I have nothing else today except for client meetings, so call me as soon as you hear
Asuka: I will

Asuka didn't enjoy lying to her husband, but she didn't want him to drop all of his client appointments, especially after doing it last month. It wasn't good for his reputation and she couldn't have that. If she told him the truth, he'd leave work regardless of her insistence he stay.

And, truth be told, Asuka needed some time alone. She wanted to fully feel her sadness before anyone tried to comfort her—whenever that sadness hit. Right now, she only felt numb.

Asuka moved slowly toward her piano. She sat and hovered her fingers over the keys.

Nothing came.

It was like all the songs had disappeared and were replaced with echoes of the doctor's words.

"I'm sorry. You can't get pregnant."

This body was a curse.

Asuka stared out the window.

If Kurama found out he'd be furious—she didn't care. She was suffocating, and she needed to get outside and walk. By herself. Now.

Asuka went to the closet and got her trench coat. She secured the buckle and then put on her hat, mittens, and scarf. The only thing she took with her was her cell phone and keys.

The air outside was still chilled, but warmer than it was this morning. Their neighborhood was quiet. She watched some old ladies buy durian from a stand and saw a couple with cups of hot coffee. As she meandered aimlessly, she saw a mother pushing a stroller, and inside the stroller was a baby under a pile of blankets. The mother was smiling and cooing at the baby.

This body is a curse, she thought bitterly.

It felt good to get outside. Even her stunted emotions were not completely immune to the feel of the wind.

The cool air led her to a nearby park. It was winter, so the gardens were not blooming, but toward the middle was a bright red bridge that spanned a pond. Asuka went to the bridge and stood on it.

She could just make out her apartment building from this angle. And for a moment, she missed Kurama and regretted not telling him the truth.

No, it's better for him. I'll call him when I know he's with his last client.

Some winter birds flew over the pond. Their wings stretched out as they glided up and down on the wind.

Asuka always enjoyed this walk, and she had hoped this would be a frequent outing with her children. On the opposite side of the park was a taiyaki stand. A hot red bean paste or chocolate taiyaki would be perfect in this weather. In her mind, she saw the bright eyes of a toddler as they gleefully took an oversized bite of the sweet treat.

I shouldn't daydream, Asuka scolded. That dream wasn't in her reality.

After staring at the water for a while, Asuka left the pond behind and walked. Up ahead, she saw an older man with several bags sitting on a park bench.

Her heart jumped. Norhito? No, it couldn't be. Norhito was long gone, but Asuka walked by the man all the same. When she approached, he looked from under his hood. She saw the same loneliness.

"Mind if I share your bench?" she asked.

The older man wheezed and shifted his bags so Asuka could sit.

"Thank you," Asuka said.

"I'm surprised you're not afraid of me."

"Why would I be?"

He shrugged. "Most people act like I don't exist."

Asuka nodded and let her gaze drift. Her companion had a different view of the park, and in spring, it was the best place in the city to view cherry blossoms. Since it was winter, the trees were barren.

Fitting.

"What's your name?" Asuka asked after a while.

"Shunsuke. And yours?"

"Asuka."

"It's nice to meet you."

"Likewise. Do you come to this park often?"

The older man shrugged. His worn navy jacket settled back on his shoulders. "I'm just slowly making my way south. A beach town has got to be better than all of this."

"You remind me of a friend of mine. His name was Norhito, and he was also trying to get to the beach."

Shunsuke cracked a wrinkled smile. "Was this friend of yours like me?"

"Yes," Asuka said. "He died a long time ago."

Asuka scanned the park. An older couple was slowly shuffling along the path on the opposite side.

"You seem sad," the man said.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Very."

Asuka looked down at her mittens and clasped her hands together. She inhaled a large breath. "Well, I've been desperately wanting to have children. And…my doctor told me today that I can't."

Shunsuke's features sank.

"Most of my life has been filled with hardship and sorrow," Asuka said, "but these past ten years have been a dream. I've been so happy, and I know how lucky I am to have a successful career and a doting husband. But…"

"You still wanted more?"

"Yes."

"I used to have everything," Shunsuke said. "A family, children, and money. But I engaged in some illegal trading and the result was prison. When I got out, I found out my family didn't wait for me."

"I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "I got what I deserved."

"Still," Asuka said gently, "you seem like you regret everything you did."

"I do, but repentance doesn't matter."

Asuka patted Shunsuke's arm. "I think it does. The attitude of the heart is everything."

Shunsuke's eyes followed the older couple who were shuffling down the path. "Well, it hardly matters. I couldn't go back to my old job, so I became a ticket puncher in the subway system. But I felt so stifled down there, and it made me more depressed. I quit and started making my way down Japan."

"Where did you live originally?"

"Far north, in Hakodate."

"That is a long way. And you've gotten this far south?"

"I take odd jobs, go to free museums and parks, eat cheaply, and write poetry about my travels. When I get to cape Sata, I want to open a takoyaki cart."

Asuka realized the man had a hiking backpack. "That sounds lovely. Are you going to publish your poetry?"

"I don't know. Maybe, if anyone finds it any good."

"I'd like to read it. I'll look for it on the shelf after it's published."

Shunsuke smiled. "You're too kind, Asuka."

Asuka pushed her hair back behind her ear and shivered at the windchill.

"Maybe you should get out of this wind," he said.

"Maybe. But I think I'll stay and talk with you for a little while longer."

Asuka stayed with Shunsuke for almost two hours. He told her stories of his adventures traveling down Japan, and some of the people he met along the way. After some convincing, he read some poetry. Asuka thought it well-written and told him so.

Finally, the cold soaked through her mittens and turned the tips of her fingers numb. "Well, Shunsuke, I probably should go home. But…it's been so nice talking to you. Thank you."

"It was nice to talk to you as well."

"I hope you enjoy the rest of your afternoon," Asuka said as she stood. "Will you be leaving the city soon?"

"Tomorrow. I have an odd job later this afternoon."

"I'm glad I met you."

"Likewise."

Asuka lingered for a moment longer before she waved goodbye. She hadn't meant to get distracted and talk with Shunsuke for so long, but it was nice to talk with a stranger.

She looked at her phone and saw that Kurama had texted her again. He was going to meet with his first client.

Asuka: Sounds good. I'll keep you updated

The neighborhood was more crowded. Schools were letting out and the afternoon restaurants were opening. Asuka kept a slow pace as she wove through the crowd.

When she got back to her apartment building, she checked the mail and headed upstairs. She was chilled to the bone and decided tea was a good remedy. Her thoughts wandered back through the conversation with Shunsuke. She thought about Norhito, too.

After she dressed, Asuka went and sat at her piano again. She stared at the keys.

Not knowing what to play was new. Even in the height of her sadness and isolation when she was Maeko, she always had a piano piece ready to play. She always knew what would comfort her and bring her peace.

But today was different. She couldn't figure out what that piece was.

Asuka's thoughts turned to Shunsuke. She thought about their conversation. Even though his journey had a destination, he said he often went "the way of the wind." It made her think of the chilled weather outside and the wind that blew snowflakes today.

Her fingers began to move.

It wasn't a piece normally played or was practicing. Instead, she arranged a Joe Hisaishi song from a different movie — "Path of the Wind" from My Neighbor Totoro.

Her arrangement was more somber than the original soundtrack. It was gentle. Her left hand continually moved while her right played the main melody high on the keys. She thought of Shinsuke again, and the weather outside.

She thought about the children she'd never have.

She would never experience the feeling of a baby moving inside. She would never see her child's first smile or watch them take their first uneasy step. She would never send them off to kindergarten or put a bandaid on their scraped knee. She wouldn't watch them navigate the uncertainty of their first love, or the late nights writing college applications.

The sadness began to permeate. It started in her chest and spread outward. It hollowed her insides.

And finally…

Asuka cried.

Author's Note:

Short but heavy and painful chapter today. Asuka was a bit reckless given how little she and Kurama know about the circumstances that surround her. She made it through unscathed this time, but will she be so lucky in the future?

The arrangement of "Path of the Wind" that Asuka plays is Makiko Hirohashi's version. Please listen to it, you won't regret it. Actually her whole album. Ultimate comfort music. You can find her version of "Path of the Wind" on YouTube and I've also updated the Spotify playlist with the song, which you can find here. Open Spotify on your browser and put /playlist/5cVDZjlukJw1QrXJZbYLHj in the URL. You can also find it on Spotify by searching for "Asuka Minamino's playlist."

Lady Fox 15: Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a lovely comment! It means a lot. Now that we're about 1/3 of the way in, some questions have been answered/will be answered and there will be more questions to come! I'm looking forward to everyone's reactions.

I'll be next week, see you then!

-Arielle