Chapter 23 Freddo (Or, a cold, depressive, unemotional tone)
"I'm sorry for your loss," the doctor said.
Asuka lifted her eyes and looked at the man standing over her. Judging from his expression, he didn't mean it. Not one bit.
Asuka glared at him.
He cleared his throat. "Miscarriages can last up to two weeks. How long have you been bleeding?"
"It started around three," Asuka said thinly.
He scribbled notes on his clipboard paper. "And did you pass the fetal tissue?"
Asuka blanched. How could he? How dare he? She had watched the remnants of someone she loved wash unceremoniously down her shower drain and this asshole had the nerve to—
"You might not have known that's what it was," the doctor said when she didn't answer. He thumbed through the papers on his clipboard. "The tissue is usually expelled in pieces and—"
"I think you should be a little more sensitive to my wife's perspective," Kurama said calmly.
The doctor looked genuinely confused.
"A life was taken from my wife and I. Do not say such things so casually."
"It was only a—"
"It was never 'only'. We loved them. Unconditionally." His eyes flashed something dangerous.
The doctor swallowed. "Okay, I…uh…apologize. But if you know you did, that would be helpful."
Asuka bared her teeth and said in a barely controlled whisper as she looked down at her hands, "Yes."
"That's good. That makes it less likely she'll have complications." The Doctor now talked over her to Kurama. "But we're going to take her to do a scan and make sure. I'm glad you brought her in. We normally prefer when women come in as soon as they start experiencing miscarriage symptoms at this stage of pregnancy."
Asuka choked back a hiss.
"The nurse will be in to get her. Once the scans are complete, I'll be back to discuss the results."
The doctor finally left.
"I'm so sorry, Love," Kurama said. He placed his hand over hers and stroked it with his thumb. "And I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone."
His touch, normally so comforting, pricked like needles. She didn't want to be comforted. She didn't want him to touch her at all. Her eyes remained unfocused ahead of her because she couldn't look at Kurama right now.
There was a knock on the door before a nurse came in. "Hello, Mrs. Minamino. I'm going to take you down to the ultrasound machine."
Kurama stood but didn't let go of her hand. Too much. It was too much.
Asuka stared at the nurse until she looked back. Then, Asuka shifted her eyes to Kurama, and with the faintest of gestures, shook her head.
The nurse's eyes widened. She looked at her sheet.
"Actually, Mr. Minamino," the nurse said, "we're going to need you to stay here."
"I'm not leaving my wife."
"The room that we have reserved for her is too small for the bed, the machines, and the technician to fit into," the nurse said plainly.
"That's ridiculous," Kurama argued. "She shouldn't be there alone. Have them get a bigger room."
"The scan can't wait," the nurse said, her voice taking on a sharper tone. "You're going to have to stay here."
"I am not—"
"It's okay," Asuka said, finding her voice again. "It's just a scan. I'll be back."
"Asuka. Are you sure? I don't want you to be alone."
"I'll be okay. Promise."
Kurama stared at her for a moment before he let her hand go. "If you need me, tell them."
"I will."
The nurse nodded and then pushed the bed Asuka was in down the hall. Once they were in the elevator, the nurse asked, "Are you okay, Mrs. Minamino? Are you safe?"
"Oh." Asuka swallowed. "I'm sorry I gave that impression. Yes. He's the love of my life and the most wonderful man I've ever known. He'd never hurt me. He does everything in his power to protect me and comfort me. But right now…that quality just feels…I just…need some space."
"I understand."
Asuka gave a single nod.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
The nurse meant it, and the sincerity made tears prick Asuka's eyes. "Thank you."
The elevator dinged, and the nurse rolled Asuka into a dark room where a technician waited next to a large ultrasound machine.
"I'll be right outside," the nurse said.
"Thank you."
Asuka watched the nurse go, then turned her head back to the technician.
"All right, Mrs. Minamino," the technician said. "Lift up your shirt and pull your pants down a little for me?"
Asuka did so.
"Cold gel." The technician squirted the goop on Asuka's abdomen and rubbed it around before they placed the ultrasound wand on her stomach.
Asuka bit her lip and looked away. The last time she'd had one of these scans was at her appointment to make sure the pregnancy was viable. She couldn't bear the emptiness of the screen.
"No heartbeat," the technician murmured.
The declaration, in all its obviousness, tasted like bile. Asuka bit her lip harder as the wand moved over her belly. The familiar whooshing sound rang hollow.
Just like her womb.
"All done," the technician said. "Nurse? Can you come get the patient?"
The nurse came back in, got behind Asuka's head, and pushed the bed out. "If you need another break, or if you need me for any other reason, please press the call button."
"I will, thank you."
The ride back to the room was silent. The harsh overhead lights were unwelcoming. Everything was sterile and cold.
When they arrived back at the room, they found Kurama frantically pacing back and forth. Even though he was in his human form, he somehow looked like a fox yokai. It almost made Asuka feel guilty.
Almost.
"My Love," he said, clasping her hand again.
"It was fine," she said dryly. "They just scanned me and didn't say anything."
He nodded, leaned over, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. It took everything Asuka had not to shudder at his touch.
"You packed my iPod?" Asuka asked.
"I did. Would you like to listen to some music?"
"Yes, please."
Kurama stood up and went to the bag he'd packed. It was a relief to not be feeling his skin, even if for a moment. He gave her the iPod.
Asuka unwrapped the headphones slowly to give herself more time, and then slowly spun the mechanical wheel on the iPod to search for something to listen to. She feigned a choice and said, "I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to close my eyes for a bit."
"Of course, Love."
She closed her eyes but didn't press play. Her headphones remained silent.
Kurama held her hand but didn't give any comforting strokes. Asuka knew it was because he didn't want to disturb her, and for that, she was grateful.
It was over an hour before the doctor came into the room with her scan results. Reluctantly, Asuka pulled the earbuds out of her ears to listen.
"Good news," the doctor said as he looked at his notes. "It looks like all the fetal tissue has been expelled, so there's no chance of complication."
"Check your bedside manner," Kurama growled. "It is severely lacking."
The doctor got another glimpse of Kurama's icy glare and Asuka was grateful for it in this hellish situation.
Don't piss off a fox.
"Well, anyway," the doctor said nervously, "I don't foresee any complications, so that's a good thing."
"Does that mean I can go home?" Asuka said.
"Soon," the doctor said. "We'll monitor you for another hour and if all looks good, we'll discharge you."
It annoyed Asuka that she had to stay in the hospital when the doctor had just given her the all-clear. She put her headphones back in with the music still off.
When the doctor left, Kurama lightly kissed her hair and settled back into the chair beside her. He gently folded her hand between his.
Asuka squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on the ambient hospital sounds instead of his touch.
-* ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ *-
By the time Asuka and Kurama got discharged and home from the hospital, it was close to midnight. Kurama went ahead of her and picked up the frosty green roses he'd cultivated that were now wilted on the ground. Without a word, he put them back into seed form.
Asuka's heart broke all over again.
"We never ate dinner. Are you hungry, Love?" Kurama asked as he helped her take her coat off.
The last thing she felt like eating, but she said, "I should probably try."
"Okay. What sounds good to you?"
Nothing. "Um, I'm not sure. You can make whatever is good for you, and I'll have some of that."
"Okay," he said softly.
Without another word, Asuka went and sat on the couch and put her headphones back in without music.
Oh no. Asuka needed to use the bathroom. She ignored her bladder and concentrated on the sounds coming from the kitchen as Kurama made them something to eat. When holding it in got uncomfortable, she forced herself from the couch, went past their galley kitchen, and into the bathroom.
Asuka tried to keep herself focused on only what she needed, but her eyes inevitably wandered to the shower…and to the bloodied towels carelessly strewn all over the floor.
Her hands started trembling. Breathe. In through the nose and out of the mouth. In through the nose and out of the mouth.
She focused on the black socks she was wearing as she used the toilet. She focused on the color of the foaming soap when she washed her hands. She focused on the hallway outside the bathroom when she exited.
Kurama was waiting for her. "Asuka, I'm so sorry. I should've cleaned that up for you before you went back in there. Why didn't you say anything?"
She stiffened in his arms before she shrugged. "Didn't think about it."
"I should have. That was neglectful."
"It wasn't. Dinner ready?"
"Yes. I made some pasta. It's sitting on the table."
Asuka let Kurama lead her down the hallway by taking her hand. She let him push her chair in for her. Asuka poked at her pasta and ate a single noodle before she told Kurama that regrettably, it was all she could eat.
He was worried but didn't comment. "Bed, then?"
She nodded.
"I'll clean up the bathroom while you get ready."
Asuka went into their bedroom and looked around. She could get a fresh pair of sweatpants, but it seemed pointless. She had hardly worn the ones she was in, so she opted to keep them on. Her fingers automatically moved to pull her hair out of her hair tie, but then she stopped herself.
The smell of bleach wafted into their bedroom. Asuka was simultaneously relieved and angry that what had happened was being sterilized. She crawled into bed with her headphones in and curled up into a tight ball.
About fifteen minutes later, Kurama came in and crawled into bed. He stripped, put his clothes in the hamper, and turned off the light. The bed sank as he moved closer and whispered, "Come, Love. Let me hold you while you sleep."
Asuka didn't answer. She hoped he would believe that she was asleep, and he'd just roll the other way. But she should've known better. Kurama scooted closer to her and flared his ki as he slipped his arm underneath her body.
The feel of his ki reached inside her and she choked back a sob at its comforting pulse. She jerked away.
"Asuka?"
"I'm…sorry," she said, not daring to look back at him. "I just…I can't. Not tonight." She felt his hand touch her shoulder. "Please."
There was a drawn-out silence before Kurama dragged himself away from her. Asuka curled up tighter and squeezed her eyes.
This body. This awful, cursed body. Stuck somewhere between mortal and immortal. Stuck with unstable ki. Stuck with the inability to help the world. She lost her baby because of this body.
Their baby.
And amid her anger was the horror of a singular thought that wouldn't leave her—this was her fault. And because of that, this body didn't deserve his love and affection. It didn't deserve to feel the warmth of his ki. It didn't deserve to feel his forgiveness. It didn't deserve anything.
Asuka dug her fingernails into the skin of her arm until she drew blood.
Author's Note:
I've heard so many stories about women being treated like garbage while miscarrying. And medical bias against women doesn't just happen around childbearing, it can happen with any type of medical condition. If you've experienced sexism in medicine, know that from afar, I see you and I send my love to you.
Asuka and Kurama are really going through it right now.
I'm going camping this weekend but will do my best to keep pushing these chapters out. Every time I have a spare moment, I'm editing. If you're reading this, thanks for sticking with me all this time. I really do appreciate you. Leave me a comment (even if it's just to yell at me) because it truly does help me to keep going!
Silena MB: so much pain! If it helps, I'm right there with you. It was TOUGH to write these chapters. I really felt it deep within my soul. And it's personal because I've watched people I love go through these exact situations. Thank you for loving Asuka and Kurama! That means a lot :-)
Love or Pain: I feel you. My heart is broken too.