6. Fred

I woke up to cold sunlight, and a foggy feeling in my head. Remus had put a blanket over me in the night. I stood up, wrapping myself in it, and looked down the corridor. He was sleeping in the bed on his side, facing away from the door. Something in my heart suddenly hurt, and I pressed my hand to my chest until it passed.

The house was silent. The only sound was the wind softly sighing around its corners. Being quiet so as not to wake Remus, I put on my coat and my boots, and went outside.

As conflicted as I felt about last night, I couldn't deny that my body felt better than it had in months. I hadn't even come, and yet something about being so close to another person had been healing. Despite this, I wasn't eager to repeat the experience until we had to. I sensed that Remus had been more upset by it than he'd let on. It was difficult enough for me, and I had the luxury of Severus's potion. I couldn't imagine what disaster would have taken place without it.

I walked towards the road through the field, but once I got there realised I didn't know where I was going. I decided to apparate back to the ruin where Remus had taken me yesterday. I paused, pricking my ears to make sure no muggle cars would round the bend. Then I closed my eyes and pictured the place.

The breeze off the sea was gentler than it had been the day before. The rain had seeped into the ground, and now a sweet smell came up from it. That same steady sound came from the waves below the cliffs. It was a comfort to know that, no matter what happened, the sea was always somewhere, making its soft sounds.

I climbed up the hill to the ruin, and sat on the other side of it, looking out at the sea.

That's beautiful, that is, came Fred's voice.

I put my head in my hands, massaging my temples.

"Headache?"

It was Remus. I turned around to see him standing a ways away, back in his tweed coat. The sleep was still clearing from his eyes.

"No," I said. I didn't want to sound mad, but didn't think he would judge me if I told him the truth. "Do you ever hear her voice?"

I detected a flicker of envy in his eyes, but it quickly passed. "No."

We both stared out at the water for some time. I realised I was waiting for him to pass judgement on what had happened last night, to define it for us both.

"Were you alright last night?" he said, at last.

"I was," I told him. Because, really, it could have gone much worse. "Were you?"

"Yes." The wind washed over us. "You don't have to stay with me, you know, if you'd prefer to be with your family."

I looked closely at him, and saw that he didn't really want to be alone, that he wanted me to stay.

"I'd rather wait for a bit, if that's alright with you," I said. As I did, I realised it was true. "The Burrow has too many reminders."

He nodded. "Then how about we go back and have breakfast."

We worked together to cook it, apologising every time we brushed past each other in the small kitchen. In opening a tall cabinet, I couldn't quite reach one of the ingredients on the top shelf. I used my wand, and tried a simple summoning charm, but as it had done last night, my wand only grew heavy, and the thing I needed didn't budge. I clenched my jaw in frustration, and Remus noticed.

"Something wrong with your wand?" he said, meanwhile easily retrieving the object by virtue of his height.

"It's just not working," I growled. "It's been doing this since… Well, since…"

"May I take a look at it later?"

"What good will that do?"

"I won't know that unless you let me give it a look."

I consciously chose not to pick up on the sharpness in his voice. "I would appreciate that," I said, and got on with my task.

He was true to his promise, requesting the wand after we'd finished eating and carefully examining it. It was strangely personal, looking at the fragile wand in his hands, the wand other people had rarely handled since I first got it from Ollivander's shop for my first year at Hogwarts.

He first looked at it closely, then tried using it himself, and finally cast a few spells on it with his own wand. I knew he had some idea of what he was doing–he was a very skilled wizard–but as my temper grew shorter, it looked like a load of nonsense to me. He kept handing it back after every few spells so that I could test it, but there was no improvement.

It was obvious that what I'd secretly suspected was true. It was only dysfunctional because of my grief.

"It's fine, Remus," I said, after he'd been at it long enough. "It's just not going to work."

But he had become absorbed in it, tackling it like a puzzle. "No, I'm sure I can… If I just–"

"No. Please, just, let me have it back. Nothing's helping."

"Wilma–"

"Just give it back, please!"

I was startled by my own tone of voice, and wished I could take it back. Remus set my wand down on the table, stood up, and walked out of the room. My head slowly sank down into my hands. We'd been getting along fine earlier, and now I'd gone and ruined it again with my short temper. I stared at my wand hatefully, and was so angry I could have snapped it in two. But I didn't.

For the rest of the day I became obsessed with testing my magic over and over, trying to cast the spells that had always come naturally to me. I used to be excellent at spells. I'd gotten top marks in many of my classes in school, and had been proud of my skills in action. But now I didn't even have the smallest amount of control over my magic. I couldn't even manage wingardium leviosa.

After hours of work, I finally broke. "Fuck!" I heard myself growl, and I collapsed on the sofa, tears springing into my eyes and rolling down my face. My body ached with exhaustion.

I didn't even notice that Remus was there until he set a cup of tea on the low table in front of me, and crouched down to see my face. "I apologise for earlier," he said, sounding genuinely guilty. "I got carried away. I didn't listen."

"No," I said, wiping my tears away pointlessly–more simply streamed down to replace the others. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. You were trying to help." I tried to say more, but couldn't. My head was buzzing.

I saw in his eyes that he'd wanted to stop me earlier, so that I wouldn't burn myself out as I had done. But he had probably decided against trying, knowing that I would have argued with him. My guilt deepened.

So this was how it would be, just as it had been with Fred. Remus would be the good one, and I would be the one who made all the mistakes.

"You're probably hungry," he said. "It's well past dinner time."

I looked up at the clock too quickly, and a horrible, loud static filled my head, as if I were moving very fast and unable to stop. I cried out, holding my forehead and breathing until it eased.

"Here," he said, pulling some chocolate out of his pocket, and placing it in my hand. I looked down, and my hand began to shake. The sight of the chocolate made me wail, and I decayed into terrible, heaving sobs.

I hadn't allowed myself to realise how upset I was about my situation, but now it was all pouring out anew. Severus's potion had only been effective in the short term. Now I very much regretted last night. I had betrayed Fred. My body was confused, and more than a little achy, and I was embarrassed to be weeping so helplessly in front of my husband.

My husband.

He took the chocolate back, and held my hand in his. "Do you want to go home?" he said.

"No," I gasped, unable to stop the tears, the heaving in my stomach, the violent shaking of my hands. Something wrong was happening in my head. It felt like small electrical shocks were going off, and I figured it must have been from all of the unreleased magic. "I need to lie down," I said. It was as though some inner voice of reason had spoken on my behalf.

Remus squeezed my hand. "Let's get you to bed, how about that?" I let him help me to standing and leaned on him, full of weakness and shame as he helped me down the corridor.

"I don't want to… I don't need to… I'm sorry…"

I sank into the bed, and he hushed me, pulling the blankets up to my shoulders. "Shh," he said. "You'll be alright."

The last thing I knew was him sitting at my side, still holding my hand.

I dreamed I was at the bottom of the black lake, desperately searching for something, but unable to find it. I was running out of air, and I somehow knew that only death waited for me if I returned to the surface without this precious object.

Suddenly, through the thick murk, I saw something glinting in the depths. The sandy floor of the lake curved into an even deeper trench, and whatever I was seeing was far, far down, at the very bottom. Who knew how far away. It pulsed with a steady silver light.

I pushed my body through the black water, into total darkness. Narrow rock walls closed in on either side of me. I was running out of air, and my lungs were begging me to turn around. What I needed was still shining down there, but my body was screaming for me to give up.

Heeding its demands, I tried to swim towards the surface, but it was too late. My wand couldn't help me, it only pulled me further down like a stone. My body strained, and strained, but failed. My vision went black and, unable to resist instinct any longer, I inhaled.

The sound of my desperate gasp filled the bedroom. Remus had gone, and I was alone with the strange shadows on the moonlit walls. I had slept a long time, and it now appeared to be the middle of the night.

I crept out of the room, holding my chest as though it would shatter if I did not. It certainly felt like it–the painful sensations of drowning lingered, even now I was awake.

Remus was asleep sitting up on the sofa, and I stepped out the back door, gasping for air. The wind freezing on my sweaty skin, I looked up at the sky, at the stars, and the waxing moon.

Then something pale caught my eye, something in sharp relief against the darkness of the woods.

It was Fred.

Standing at the edge of the trees.

Looking at me.

The ancient woods seemed to whisper. He beckoned to me, and then slowly turned and walked into the wall of the black trees, disappearing among them.

"Fred?"

I tried to scream his name, but I only produced a hoarse, shocked whisper. It was him. It was him. The wind picked up, and set my skin on fire. This time, the sound came out of me as strong as the cry of a newborn.

"FRED! FRED!"

My body surged into motion, legs working harder than they ever had before as I sprinted across the field towards the woods, screaming his name. I was almost to the trees when I heard Remus shouting my name behind me. But I paid him no mind. I was already in the darkness, dodging the close trunks of the tall, narrow pines, whimpering as the branches left tiny cuts in my skin from the speed of my passage. I had lost sight of him, but I knew he had to be just out of my vision. Just up ahead. If I pushed a little harder…

"FRED!" I shouted desperately, my voice swallowed up by the vastness of the woods.

Suddenly I was jerked backward, the wind knocked out of me as Remus grabbed me and held me fast against him. I writhed, trying to get away, but I was trapped against his chest. "LET ME GO," I roared, my voice hoarse from screaming.

"Wilma, that was not him!" Remus shouted. He turned me round to face him, holding me tightly by the shoulders. There was fear in his eyes. "I don't know what it was, but it wasn't him!"

"Yes it was!" I shouted, tears hot on my face. "Yes it WAS!"

But my voice was cut off by a loud cracking sound as he apparated, and I was swept along with him.