23. Nightmare

A baby? A baby, Willa? said a voice, full of wonder. It was Fred's voice, and I jumped, my nerves on fire after so long without hearing it.

The shock of the sound of his voice, as well as hearing the old nickname only he had called me, made my whole body flare with pain. "Shut it!" I shouted.

Trelawney's eyes widened with concern. "What is it, dear girl? What do you see?"

But I could not answer. I needed to escape, and I turned on my heel and ran to the trapdoor, half-falling down the ladder and running down the corridor as soon as my feet hit the stone floor.

It wasn't until I reached the darkness of one of the old secret passageways that Fred had shown me in my first year, that I finally broke down into tears. I sobbed, clutching my throat as I stumbled down the narrow passageway, which led to a quiet part of the castle, with a big broken window looking out over the lake. No-one could hear me here, and I allowed my confused cries to be as desperate and loud as they needed to.

My body was shaking rapidly from the shock of Trelawney's news, and it wasn't until some minutes had passed that I fully processed it. I was pregnant. I slowly rocked myself back and forth on the stone floor, pressing my hand to my belly. So, it had been more significant than I'd thought; my nausea on the broomstick earlier that morning.

The reality of my situation weighed heavily on my body, like armour made of stone. I had felt so purposeless after the war. The Marriage Law had been a great upheaval, but I still hadn't found the meaning in my own life outside of my efforts to maintain my relationship with Remus. And now this? I realised, with equal parts guilt and fear, that I didn't want to be saddled with a child. Remus had been right at Christmas–I was very young, and I was able to acknowledge it for the first time now.

But there was no amount of thinking that could change my condition. I had never felt so out of control of my body–and that was saying something. I couldn't fathom holding the seed of a person inside of me. But according to Sybill, I was–and at least on this matter, I believed her absolutely.

A baby, Willa? Fred's voice echoed in my head, but I ignored it. I simply couldn't manage any more than was already on my plate, and fully acknowledging Fred's voice would prove too much.

I wondered if this was part of the pain which had befallen me on the night of the full moon. Was it possible that, because the child was conceived so soon to the moon, it would be a werewolf? Would Remus's worst fear be realised? I knew that his mind would follow the same anxious path as my own, and my body went cold when I realised I would have to tell him the news.

What Andromeda had told me in Hunston–about how Remus had left Tonks after she became pregnant–came back to me now, a dark thunderhead of dread.

Would he close off to me? Would he run away?

It was probably mostly psychosomatic, but I suddenly felt the need to vomit. No sooner did I think the word than I crouched over onto all fours, and was sick.

The inky sky was full of dark clouds outside of the broken window, and I knew that dinner was being served in the great hall. I had to pull myself together. I didn't know whether I would have the strength to tell Remus tonight, but I didn't want to miss dinner. If I did, he would know that something was wrong.

I walked out of the passageway, trembling, and into the nearest bathrooms. Avoiding the mirror, I washed my tear-stained face, and rinsed out my mouth. I was afraid of what I would see if I looked into my own eyes, and I knew there was no hope of disguising my emotions. If Remus was able to spot my inner turmoil, well, there was nothing I could do to stop that. I did hope, though, that he wouldn't.

Everyone had gathered in the great hall, including one or two of the ghosts. The floating candles were lit near the cloudy purple ceiling, and cast warm light over the four tables. Hogwarts had begun to come to life again, with a will of its own, and there was a more powerful sense of magic in the air.

Trelawney spotted me the moment I entered, and her eyes widened, but she didn't say anything. She was sitting with Minerva and Severus, and Severus, noticing where Sybill was looking, glanced over at me, his eyes questioning. I looked away quickly.

Remus was sitting by Luna and Neville. I made a beeline for them, and sat beside Remus, across from Luna. "Are you alright?" he asked at once.

It was a moment too long before I could form words. "Yes," I said, too softly. "I needed to freshen up a bit." At least I didn't stupidly try to smile–that would have given me away in a heartbeat.

Luna looked at me with her wide clear eyes. "It must have been interesting, gathering up the ghosts," she said wistfully. And I told her the story of what Sybill had done in the grove in the woods. At first my voice shook, but then I remembered to breathe. I could feel Remus sensing something wrong, but he didn't ask.

"Heard you're teaching Herbology next year," I said to Neville. He blushed a bit, but all I had to do was listen with interest and soon he had taken over the burden of the conversation, explaining the specific parts of the post he was most excited about, and how he was going to start training with Sprout before she left.

I still felt nauseous, but managed to eat some of the cottage pie on my plate.

Owls began to arrive a minute later, swooping below the candles. There were only five or six of them. I recognised Errol at once. He landed on the table and dropped a folded letter in front of me, ruffling his wings. Smiling, Luna transfigured a pumpkin pasty into a small white mouse, which squeaked and ran across the table, only to be caught by the owl, who gave an appreciative hoot before taking off into the air again.

The letter was from Molly–I recognised the handwriting immediately.

Dearest Wilma,

We haven't heard from you in too long. I'm sure you're still at Hogwarts, but it would be nice to know you're safe, and all is well with you and Remus.

Please come and visit soon. Perhaps for your birthday?

Love,

Molly

My body was too stressed to make room for the guilt I should have felt for keeping such poor contact with my family. But the letter did make me remember that my birthday was approaching. With everything else going on, I had forgotten. I would be twenty soon, on the twenty-second of January.

I felt eyes on me, and looked up from the parchment to see Sybill looking at me from across the hall. She looked very nervous, and was worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

"What's she staring at you for?" Remus said, also noticing. I couldn't answer. He leaned closer to me and lowered his voice, and for the first time I looked fully into his eyes, which were full of concern. "What's wrong?" he said quietly.

I was trembling again now, and the concern in his face warped into fear. It took all of my willpower not to rush from the hall. Instead I took his hand, and we stood up. Neville and Luna looked after us silently as I led Remus out into the corridor. We stood in a corner under a single candle, and I shivered, oversensitive to the cold that seemed to seep out of the stone walls.

I could barely hear him saying my name, I was so disoriented. He rubbed my arms to warm me up, and brought me into him, embracing me tightly. "Tell me," he said. "You can tell me."

I stammered against his chest, unable to get the words out, terrified that they would ruin everything. It should have been so simple. I'm pregnant. But they simply wouldn't form in my mouth.

After a minute of struggling, Remus drew away, studying me. "Wilma, for Merlin's sake spit it out," he said, allowing his own emotions to reveal themselves at last. "You're frightening me."

The root of my anxiety exposed itself to me. That he would leave me, that he would run upstairs and pack his single bag, and I would never see him again. I never wanted to tell him. Never.

But this wasn't the sort of thing I could keep a secret. We would have to report it to the Ministry, for starters…

Drawing a deep and shaky breath, I began to tell it from the beginning. How I had been to Trelawney's office, and she had made us tea, and after I was finished she'd looked at the leaves… "She said…"

He looked at me urgently.

"She said… I have a baby."

There was a terrible silence. Remus stared straight through me, as though he hadn't heard what I had said.

"What?" he said at last. His voice was under a whisper, almost a breath.

But I knew I didn't need to repeat myself, because then he grew pale and faint, and sat down on the stone bench against the wall. The pale moonlight was seeping in through the nearby window, drawing a rectangle on the flagstones. He was staring numbly at the ground, and I stood there helplessly, not knowing what to say or do.

It was just as I'd feared. He looked as though I had just told him I was going to be beheaded.

I felt the sudden need to explain myself. But no sooner had I drawn a desperate breath than he put his hand up. Whatever more I had to say, he was too overwhelmed to take it in.

He didn't speak for what felt like an age. "It was that night, the moon," he said, half to himself.

I couldn't speak. I knew he was thinking exactly what was in his mind–it was what I'd been thinking in the passageway earlier. Would this child be different from Teddy? Neither of us had any way of knowing.

Slowly, Remus stood up, deathly still.

"I need to take a walk," he told me.

My fear welled up again, but I didn't dare say anything about it. Now of all times would be the worst to resurrect Tonks in his mind.

"Alright," I whispered.

He walked down the long corridor through patches of moonlight and I turned away before he reached the end.

I waited for him by the fire, trying to read The Odyssey, but I couldn't focus on the words, and kept reading the same page over and over.

His footsteps sounded in the corridor around midnight. He opened the door very quietly, but paused when he saw me sitting up. His whole body looked frayed and exhausted, and he had a haggard look on his face.

"You should sleep," he said.

I closed the book and set it on one of the desks. I studied him, trying to see what he was thinking, if anything had changed in him in his time alone. But I couldn't read him.

"Will you stay with me?" I asked. Under the question was a depth of need for reassurance, but I didn't make it known. I only wanted him to tell me if he would come to bed.

He nodded, and followed me to the bedroom. Silently we changed into our pyjamas. I watched him, the pale light making his scars shine.

"Can we talk about this more in the morning?" I asked.

He nodded.

I climbed into the bed, and he carefully slipped under the sheets beside me. I was surprised but relieved when his arms found my waist, and he held me near to him, his hand cradling mine. I still couldn't fully believe that I was with his child. It felt like a trick, or a bad dream.

I found it very difficult to fall asleep, especially because I sensed that Remus was still awake but trying to hide it by making his breathing slow and even. I thought I would never relax, but after a while realised that I had, because my mind had wandered into a dream.

I was lying with my eyes closed on the grass in a summer field. The sun was warm on my face, and a cool breeze rippled through my clothes. I opened my eyes and looked up at the moon, hanging pale and half-empty in the blue daytime sky. A sudden feeling of emptiness sunk into my stomach. I sat up in the grass and looked all around me, but I was completely alone.