35. Clouds

It was the middle of March and the weather was unusually lovely. In the beginning of the afternoon, when the work of the morning was over, I walked to the top of the hill behind the Burrow to rest a while in the fresh air. The green growing meadow seemed to rise right into the cloudy blue sky, the tall grass swaying in the breeze.

I climbed to the top, from where I could see out across the far green fields, divided by crumbling stone walls and stretches of woods. Nestled among a few hills far-off was the village of Ottery St. Catchpole. I laid down on my back in the grass to watch the billowing white clouds pass by. They moved slowly, like ships.

I could feel all of the energy seeping from my tired body down into the earth, and the energy of the earth reentering me. The sensation of exchange was so deeply relaxing that it put me to sleep.

Willa. Willa. Wake up.

I opened my eyes to see that the clouds had grown a bit thicker. The wind was quicker and colder. A few hours seemed to have passed. I was surprised that I'd fallen asleep so comfortably outside, and there were no aches or pains in my body when I stood up from the grass. I had been restored to a kind of peace by the soft power of the earth.

Willa…

I heard the whispered echo of Fred's voice in my mind, and it was as though I was hearing it in the wind which tugged at my hair, which had loosened from its braid. I turned my gaze towards the village, where he was buried, and pressed my fingers to my lips, thinking of him with happiness rather than pain. Then I turned and walked down the meadowy hill to the Burrow.

The garden was lush and green with growth. I sensed as I approached the back door that someone was there who had not been when I'd left. Perhaps Ginny or George or Ron had come for a visit.

"Mum?" I called, as I opened the door.

But I stopped short on seeing who was sat at the kitchen table. His fingertips resting on a mug of tea, Severus sat with his legs crossed. I couldn't help noticing that he wore muggle clothes again; another thick woven turtleneck jumper, and brown trousers.

He looked over when I entered, his eyes unexpectedly warm. I remembered how he had been when he'd first come to the Burrow months ago to offer me his hand, and then again to give me the vial. Gentler, partly healed. Before Remus and I had returned to Hogwarts, and he'd reverted to his harsh old black-robed self.

Molly was also glancing at me, from where she stood preparing dinner, a complicated smile on her face. She seemed half tense and half relieved. "I was just about to come and wake you up," she said. "Look who's here."

I realised I hadn't yet acknowledged Severus properly, and nodded my head, struggling for words. "Hello," I managed.

"Hello," he said.

I realised as I stood in the doorway that I was wearing one of Fred's old henley shirts, and baggy trousers. I surely didn't look very welcoming, and it was difficult to erase the impolite shock from my face. But Severus didn't seem to mind very much. I pulled some grass out of my hair and turned to shut the door.

I hadn't heard anything from Severus since he had left me here at the beginning of February. I had assumed that he was exhausted from chasing me from place to place, and coping with my succession of disasters, and wouldn't want anything to do with me until we were forced again into one another's presence. It was a shock to see him here, especially without warning. I realised at once that the letter Molly had been so attached to must have been from him.

And it was the thought of the letter that paralysed me. My heartbeat quickened. I was suddenly suspicious of why he was here.

"Arthur will be home in ten minutes," Molly said. It seemed she was addressing Severus more than me.

"Do you need any help?" I said to Molly, almost desperately.

"No, dear."

Severus was standing up. "May I walk with you, Wilma?" he asked.

I felt cornered. I could sense the pressure emanating from Molly as she tossed the salad. I turned to Severus and smiled faintly.

"Yes, of course," I said.

The sunlight had turned golden and was falling beautifully through the clouds. It was windy and the light seemed full of magic. Severus and I wandered slowly through the meadow and came to walking abreast at the edge of the woods. The wind wove around the thick trunks of the giant old trees.

I knew what was coming. I noticed him glance at my naked ring finger more than once. There was a dreadful tension in my body, and I realised that, though most of my nervousness was my own, I was also reflecting Severus's anxiety.

He walked with his hands in his trousers pockets, and his mind seemed to be struggling, his gaze directed inward. The clouds raced over, changing the pattern of the golden light on the meadow. I looked around nervously, and thought I saw Molly watching from the kitchen window.

Gradually our pace slowed, and we stopped in the wide-reaching shadow of a very old oak.

My stomach ached with awareness, and tendrils of nausea curled around my wrists, my throat. He was going to propose. He had written to Molly asking permission. That was why she'd been so adamant about my taking off Remus's ring, and also why she had not been badgering me about who I was going to marry.

I felt shock taking its hold on my mind. I couldn't have spoken if I'd wanted to. I had denied and denied a moment like this from my perception of the future, pushing the necessity of another marriage from my mind. But now the inevitable had come, and I was terrified of it.

Severus's face was completely still. His eyes were as guarded as ever, but I thought I saw some hidden part of him trying to come through. I felt that my own eyes had gone very wide. Don't cry, I told myself.

His lips parted.

"I came here to offer you my hand."

I returned to my body just enough to feel that my face had drained. I pulled my eyes away from his and walked slowly to the trunk of the oak, where I steadied myself.

"...Though I assume you guessed it already."

I was too shocked to consider it logically. My brain began searching automatically for a way out. "What about Frederica?" I whispered, just above the wind.

"She has agreed to it."

My mouth was open, but I was speechless. He was waiting, but I didn't know what to say.

Just then Arthur apparated into the field, home from the Ministry. He was carrying his briefcase at his side, and put his hand up to block the golden sun. He waved and called, "Hello, Severus!" Then he seemed to remember himself, because he looked a bit embarrassed and hurried into the house.

I couldn't help feeling slightly betrayed. He must have known about the letter too.

"I don't expect an answer right away," Severus said.

I nodded.

"Why don't we go inside."

I nodded.

The four of us sat around the table, Arthur and Severus discussing the state of Hogwarts, and what next year might look like when students returned. Arthur brought up the subject of how McGonagall had offered me a post. I distinctly heard my voice responding, but didn't know what I was saying.

Molly was watching me closely, though not obviously. I knew she could guess how Severus's proposal had gone.

After the meal Arthur made up some excuse to take Severus outside for a minute, and Molly turned to me with conviction in her face. "You're running out of time," she hissed, very quietly.

And then she turned and began to do the dishes.

I retreated into the sitting room and sat down to work on my puzzle. There were only a few pieces left. I was desperate to finish it, knowing that if I didn't do it now I might not get another chance.

I felt the tension in my body, on the verge of anger. The decision had already been made for me. Severus was only waiting until I bent to everyone's will.

My fingers trembled slightly, but my eyes were focused sharply as I fit the last pieces into place. Then it was finished. I stared at the painted waves, the rock archway, the two tiny people in the distance.

Fred, tell me what to do, I pleaded.

I heard Arthur and Severus come back inside, and soon Severus was there, in the opening between the entryway and sitting room.

"It's finished," I said, to fill the silence.

He looked at the puzzle on the table in front of me. I mistook his expression for misunderstanding, and thought perhaps he didn't know what it was. "You put the pieces together," I told him. "It's just a pastime."

"Yes, I know what a puzzle is," he said. There was an attempted levity in his tone, but the sound of his voice made my blood tingle with anxiety.

I felt embarrassed. He probably thought it was silly.

He stepped closer until he was just beside my chair. I stiffened at his closeness, but tried to hide the response.

"I know this painting," he said, his fingertips trailing over the waves. "It's Monet, isn't it?"

"I don't know," I admitted.

Tears welled in my eyes as Severus knelt down to the floor, to look into my face. I felt that terrible tightness in my throat, that feeling of helplessness, of not knowing what I wanted or needed. He very gently reached for my hands, and I allowed him to ease them into his own.

The slightest touch, given the circumstances, made my whole body grow cold. I was afraid of going to bed with another man. I felt myself floating away at the very thought. I didn't know how I would bear it, after everything.

Severus seemed to see my fears in my eyes. "If you say yes," he said, "I want you to know… You will never come to harm in my arms."

I looked at him in disbelief. I remembered the brief glimpse I'd had of Frederica. How beautiful, how graceful she'd been. How sure of herself. Why would Severus want someone like me, when he already had her?

I shook my head. "You don't want me, Severus."

He was still holding my hands, and I withdrew them, looking down in shame as the tears began to fall.

His voice was quiet and deep. "The question is whether you will accept me. If your answer is no, then I will go and bother you no more."

The urgency in Molly's eyes floated into my mind again. She was right, of course. I didn't have any other options. I thought back to all of the times Severus had helped me. He had sat with me through my most painful nights. He still had his moments of harshness, when I couldn't read him, and he was again the stern and sombre Professor I had feared in school. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, being married to him.

After weeks of refusing to believe in the Ministry's orders, all of this was extremely overwhelming.

And yet there was a kind of trust for him in my heart. I could more easily imagine marrying him than anyone else.

"You're not bothering me," I said, pressing my sleeves to my eyes. "You're being very good."

It had become very silent in the kitchen, and I knew my parents were listening closely.

I breathed softly, the air cooling my trembling lips. It seemed impossible to say it. All of my love for Remus came flooding back, and my heart squeezed painfully.

"Tell me yes or no," Severus said, making it simple.

My heart grew quiet. Despite all of the pain, there was only one way to answer. I looked at him, needing some assurance that he would catch me after I had jumped.

"Yes," I whispered.

There was a suspension in him, as though he hadn't really expected that answer.

"I will go and find the form," I heard myself say. "I don't know where I left it."

He was still kneeling there, and I slowly stood and went out.

In the kitchen, Molly was crying tears of relief, nodding her head and being held by Arthur. She reached out and touched my face. "Oh, Wilma… Thank goodness."

I endured the touch, barely feeling it. "I don't remember where the form is," I said, my voice monotone. I should have been grateful to Severus, but I hardly felt anything.

"I kept it for you, dear," Molly said. She summoned it from a nearby drawer, along with a quill and ink.

I took them and went back into the sitting room, where Severus had stood up, and was waiting.

I took the form out of the envelope, and set it down on top of the puzzle.

Severus signed first, his signature made slightly bumpy by the puzzle pieces.

I took the quill and signed my name underneath his. Then I stood there looking at it, paralysed.

I came round from my daze when Severus reentered the room, having gone out for an envelope. He returned with one, and Errol on his arm.

He gently touched my hand and eased the form out from under my fingers. I watched him fold it, slip it into the envelope, and address it. Errol took it with a wary squawk, and Severus let the owl out the front door.

It was late evening now and the sky was a deep windy blue.

"Can I get you anything?" I heard him say.

"No, thank you."

There was a long minute of silence. I still hadn't processed what we had done.

"Are you going back to Hogwarts?" I asked, reverting to formality.

"Yes. You don't have to join me right away."

"I need another day or two. But I'll come up soon."

"Alright."

I felt a faint buzzing in my head, and a heaviness in my body. I could have drawn a line through the silence, like a layer of dust.

"I'm very tired," I said, after a long time. "I have to go to sleep."

"Of course."

I took a step towards the doorway, though it felt wrong to leave. Severus held out his hand slowly, and I realised he wished for me to take it. I did, resting my fingers over his, unsure of what he meant by it. Then he lowered his head and very softly kissed my knuckles.

"Goodnight," he said.

No sooner was I hidden by the shadows of the stairs than my tears returned, slipping silently down my face and falling to the steps. I closed the door of my bedroom and, without undressing, burrowed under the covers.

I was so confused by his tenderness, and so upset at myself for being unable to simply feel grateful, as I should have.

I pressed my fingers to my lips, making myself relax so that I could listen when I heard voices speaking downstairs. The first words I could make out were spoken by Molly.

"Care for her, Severus," she said. "She's strong, but she needs tenderness. Be gentle."

There was a pause, and then Severus's voice came, soft and dark.

"I swear I will."

There was a roar of flames from floo powder, followed by a deep silence which lasted until morning.

NOTE

Obviously, the story will now focus on the relationship between Wilma and Severus, but I do want to assure those who have been reading for Remus that he will be involved in the story again, eventually. Thank you for reading and please review!