36. Passageway
I travelled by floo to Hogsmeade the next evening. I had wanted to spend more time at home, but knew that if I lingered any longer my nerves would master me. Two weeks was precious little time to prepare myself to be physical with Severus. Better to be near him and become better acquainted as soon as possible.
Arthur transfigured my puzzle into a painting and hung it on the wall in the kitchen. I looked at it frequently as I sat through dinner with Arthur and Molly. It had been very quiet among the three of us all day. I couldn't deny that I still felt slightly betrayed.
After we finished I retrieved my carpetbag from upstairs, in which I'd packed some clothes.
"We love you, dear," Molly reminded me as I removed the lid from the jar of ashes. I nodded, and threw a pinch into the fire before stepping in.
The back room of the Three Broomsticks was cold and dark. The fireplace was empty and I coughed a bit as I stumbled over the hearth. It wasn't long before I heard the booming thunder outside, the wind howling, and the rain cutting against the windowpane. A strong storm was going on.
I pushed open the door and went out into the tavern room. It was warmer, lit by a towering fire and many candles. Madam Rosmerta spotted me from one of the tables, where I recognised the shepherd Luna had greeted months ago, Euphemius, nursing a drink.
"Nasty out there tonight," Madam Rosmerta said to me. "You're going up to the castle?"
"Yes."
"I'd wait til morning. I'd be willing to offer you a bed for the night. We're all empty. Won't make you pay."
Had I not known about the secret passageway that led directly from Hogsmeade into the school, I would have agreed at once to stay the night. The thunder outside was frighteningly loud, and the rain looked dangerous.
"D'you know if Honeydukes is open?" I asked.
"They should be," Madam Rosmerta said.
"I think I'll make my way alright."
Madam Rosmerta nodded dubiously, but didn't keep me back. I opened the door to freezing needles of rain, and a hard wind that hurt my ears. Tightly holding my carpetbag, I ran through the storm down the high street to Honeydukes, where the windows were full of warm light.
I pressed my face to the window and knocked on the door, already shivering hard from a minute in the storm. Mr. and Mrs. Flume, the couple who ran the shop, were standing behind the counter speaking to one another, and turned their heads at the sound of my knock.
I would never have dared to ask to use the passageway when I'd been in school. But after Dumbledore's Army had begun meeting in Hogsmeade, Fred and I had told the Honeydukes owners about the passageway, so that we might be able to use it without sneaking. They'd been shocked to learn that the passageway had been right there under their noses for years, but had allowed us free use of it. I knew that if I asked now they would let me downstairs.
Mr. Flume was the one to hurry across the shop and open the door. "Come in!" he exclaimed, shutting the door quickly behind me as I entered.
"Wilma, is it?" asked Mrs. Flume, peering at me through her glasses.
"Yes," I said, feeling myself smile. It was odd interacting with people outside of my family. I felt a bit deficient, like I didn't know how to speak or act. I stumbled a bit over my words. "I… would I… would either of you mind if I used the passageway?"
"The passageway–" said Mr. Flume, just as I was saying it myself. "Of course. Do you think we'd let you walk to the school through this?"
"Here, dear," Mrs. Flume was saying. "Take some sweets for the journey. You know I tried going down there once myself and only made it halfway down the stairs. Too cold and dark for me–I don't know how you all endured it! What are your favourites?"
I stuttered a bit, biting back my instinct to politely decline favours. Mrs. Flume had unfolded a paper bag and was holding it out to me, a kind smile on her face. "Go on, fill it up with whatever you like."
"Thank you," I said, feeling tears hidden deep behind my eyes as I took the paper bag.
The warmth of the shop was doing my bones good, and I let myself relax a bit. I remembered being in here with Fred and George. They'd smuggled me in a year before I'd been allowed. Without an invisibility cloak I'd been spotted, and our delinquency earned all three of us a week of detention–which included two gruelling evenings of cauldron scouring in the potions classroom, presided over by a cold and distant Severus. In later years, Honeydukes had served as the inspiration for Fred and Geroge starting their own shop. I had many pleasant memories among the towering shelves of sweets.
Letting myself be calmed by the quiet conversation of the Flumes, I put a few of my favourite sweets into the bag–butterscotch, saltwater taffy, peppermints, and, to amuse myself, a small handful of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans.
Mrs. Flume gave me a gentle frown to see that the bag was only halfway full, but didn't say anything. I didn't know what she knew about me, but she seemed to think I needed cheering up. I hadn't had much of a sweet tooth since the end of the war, but perhaps Mrs. Flume was right, and the sweets would give me a bit of nostalgia. At the very least they'd keep my mind off the dark, the cold, and the cobwebs as I made my way through the passageway.
Mr. Flume lit a lamp to light our way down the narrow wooden staircase into the cellar. Mrs. Flume stayed at the top of the stairs, her hand pressed to her neck. Mr. Flume pushed aside a crate to reveal the trapdoor.
"Here you are," he said, as he pulled it up, revealing a deep darkness, which exhaled a cold dank draft. I could see the first ten or so stone stairs, but after that everything faded off into shadows.
"Be safe, dear," Mrs. Flume said.
"Thank you," I told her. I drew my wand. "Lumos," I whispered, and took the first few steps down, until my head was below the level of the trapdoor.
"I'm going to close it now, alright?" Mr. Flume warned.
"Alright," I said, and nodded at him.
He nodded back. "Good night," he said, and then slowly, with a long creak, the door was shut.
Had it not been for the meagre light of my wand, I wouldn't have been able to see my hand in front of my face. But my wand cast a gentle warm light, and I made my way carefully down the rest of the stairs, until I stood on the flat stone floor of the passageway.
The light made the cobwebs cast shadows on the walls. I kept from looking too closely at them, not wanting to spot something that would frighten me.
I had to stop after the first few minutes, to pull on an extra jumper from my bag. It was very cold, and quite damp. The extra layer helped a bit, but I still shivered. Though I was underground I could still hear the storm, the thunder distant but threatening.
I fell into a steady pace, sucking on one of the butterscotch candies to keep me sidetracked.
As I grew closer, though, my isolation and the darkness of the passageway allowed buried anxieties to creep into the light. I was probably halfway to the castle by now. I couldn't help wondering what it was going to be like, navigating my drastically changed relationship with Severus. My irrational side feared that he would want me to sleep with him too soon. I didn't think he would expect such a thing, knowing what he knew, but I couldn't be sure. Would he hold a terrible silence, forcing me to broach the necessary subjects? I had witnessed his moments of pure and overwhelming selflessness, when I had been in my deepest need. But I also couldn't erase his moments of sharp cruelty from my memory. I didn't want him to change for me, but I did wish that the two sides of him would find a kind of balance and predictability. I didn't know how long I would survive otherwise.
There was a quiet, gentle part of my heart–and, yes, of my body–that wanted to give myself over completely. To give as much affection as I could, to love and be loved, to seek security. But I doubted it could ever be so simple with a man as changeful as Severus.
Soon the floor of the passageway began to slant upward, and then I was facing the long ramp that led up to the statue of the witch on the third floor of the school.
Slipping the bag of sweets into my carpetbag and settling the handle in the crook of my elbow, I made my way carefully up the ramp. Soon I was squeezing out from behind the statue, and there were the familiar flagstones, the mullioned windows blurred with rain. The sound of the thunder outside rolled and echoed along the empty corridor, and the flames of the candles flickered, but it was significantly warmer than it had been in the passageway. My hair, which had gotten wet on the way from the Three Broomsticks to Honeydukes, was half-frozen.
I wanted to go straight to the bedroom and have a warm shower, but figured I should go downstairs and tell Severus I was here.
I walked down the grand staircase, where most of the portraits were snoring through the storm. Those who were awake waved, recognising me as the witch who'd discovered them in the Room of Requirement and helped to hang them some time ago. I buried the pang of heartbreak at the memory of that day spent with Remus. There simply wasn't space in my heart, given what I would have to accomplish in the coming weeks.
Lightning flickered eerily across the walls and the portrait frames, and I was grateful when I arrived on the main marble stairs which led into the well lit entryway.
There, I was surprised by the sound of conversation and laughter coming from the opening to the great hall. I came to the bottom of the stairs and looked inside, half hidden.
Everyone was gathered there. The fireplace was blazing with a huge fire, and everyone was watching Flitwick perform some amusing charm, making something whiz around like a firecracker every time the thunder sounded.
"Wilma!" a merry voice called. Hagrid had been the first to see me, and waved a large hand from where he sat in his large chair at the fireside. With him was his kneazle, Pouncer. He didn't look very amused, either by the thunder or Flitwick's magic, but at least he wasn't frightened by the booming sounds outside. He'd struck me as uninterested in people when I'd met him in Hagrid's hut months before, and I lowered my eyes respectfully when he looked at me.
Severus had turned his head when Hagrid said my name. He'd been leaning against the mantel with a drink in his hand, and I was surprised to see that twitch of a smile on his face. He was wearing muggle clothes again. Perhaps he knew how intimidating he was in his black robes, and wanted to make himself less so. I lifted my hand a bit awkwardly, and stepped into the hall, returning greetings as "hellos" came from everyone assembled there.
Severus crossed the hall to meet me halfway. I felt my breath suspend at his closeness as he took one of my hands and pressed it. "You're frozen," he said softly. He hovered his hand over my hair, and the ice warmed and evaporated, leaving my hair perfectly dry. His adeptness at wandless magic was impressive.
"Thank you," I made myself say.
"Let's get you warm, Miss Weasley," Minerva called from the fireside, where she was pouring a mug of tea from a hovering kettle.
Letting my hand slip from Severus's, I went to the fire and took a seat on a cushion which looked like it had been summoned from Trelawney's tower classroom. Minerva handed me a hot mug of tea, and soon Severus was behind me, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders.
"Thank you…" I said again, overwhelmed by their kindness. I needed to get better at letting myself be taken care of.
I figured by the way Minerva quickly gave us space that she knew Severus and I were married. Poppy was clearly aware, and I thought that perhaps Sybill had guessed it from the way she watched us. The others still didn't know, but I didn't think they needed to. It would have been too strange to make an announcement–they would figure it out soon enough.
Severus sat down beside me on another cushion. I watched the firelight flicker on his face. "I would have warned you about the storm, but I didn't think you'd come so soon. How did you make it through?"
On instinct I held my tongue at first, afraid that if he learned of the passageway he would have it sealed off. But I needed to be more open with him if this was going to work out. I checked to be sure nobody could overhear before I spoke quietly. "There's a passageway that leads from the castle to Honeydukes. I used that."
Severus raised an eyebrow, but didn't question me further.
My tea had cooled slightly and I took a slow sip, trying to think of something to say. I knew nothing about the wizard seated beside me. I had known very little about Remus when we had married, but what I had known had been a foundation to build on. All I knew about Severus only served to put distance between us. Whereas Remus and I had been able to sit quietly in some semblance of ease, being close and quiet with Severus made me feel a terrible tension of unknown and unsaid things.
Saving me from my paralysis, Pouncer the kneazle came slowly walking towards the two of us, his eyes fixed on me. His bright green eyes came up to my own when I was seated. I was surprised when he brushed my arm with his soft fur, and curled up in my lap. He was quite heavy, but his weight calmed me. I carefully stroked the yellow fur between his ears and he purred.
"Well done, Wilma," Hagrid said with a bright-eyed grin. "He's very hard to win over."
I smiled back, only hoping that I might have similar luck with Severus. I could feel him looking at me, but simply didn't know what to say.
"This passageway," Severus said, after some time. "Did the boy show it to you?"
It took me a moment to realise that by 'the boy' he meant Fred.
"You can say his name," I said, feeling myself smile despite myself. "It's alright with me. And yes, it was him and George."
"I assumed. In that case I have something I'd like you to look at."
I saw in his eyes that he wanted me to do so at once, so I carefully eased Pouncer from my lap. I feared that doing so might erase some of the trust he'd put in me, but he only purred and rubbed his side against my leg as I stood up, before returning to Hagrid.
Severus waited for me to follow him, and then turned to leave the hall. He took me down the stairs from the entryway to the door of his office, and held it open for me. There was a small fire already going, warm flames making the dark room less forbidding. I turned my gaze away from the leather chair that sat near the hearth, not wanting to recall that full moon night when I'd been forced to beg Severus's help. Part of me wished we had a blank slate to start from, but I knew it was good we had some kind of history; something to look back to, which contained some amount of trust and gentleness.
I stood in the centre of the room while Severus unlocked a drawer in his desk. He withdrew a folded piece of parchment, and I recognised it at once as the Marauder's Map. I gasped inwardly at the sight of it, and pressed my hand to my chest as he held it out to me.
"I've kept it for some time now. I don't know how to open it. I assume you do."
I nodded, and with an aching heart took the map from him, feeling the old familiar lightness of it, the specific fraying at the corners. Trembling slightly, I drew my wand and tapped it in the centre of the parchment, whispering, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
At once the familiar maroon ink began to bleed and spiral across the page. I felt tears rise to my eyes as the old writing appeared.
Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the Marauders' Map…
I remembered first seeing the map in Fred's hands. That in itself would have been enough to bring on tears, but now knowing that Remus was the one to invent it was altogether too painful. This object held more grief for me than any other. I tried to blink back the tears, but couldn't help it as one fell onto the map. I brushed it away with my fingertip and then wiped the tears from my face.
I sighed as I unfolded the map to show the castle, the passageways. I had been so absorbed in the map that for a moment I'd forgotten that Severus was there. He was intently looking at the map, as though he had wanted to see it for a long time.
I pointed to the passageway leading from the statue of the witch. "That's the one I used tonight."
Then I pointed to the cluster of people in the great hall, the banners bearing their names. "These show where everyone is."
My eyes wandered to the two little footprints that showed Severus and me. The sight made me feel a bit awkward. We were so close together. I quickly folded the map again.
"When you're through with it…" I said, tapping my wand to the folded map. "...Mischief managed."
The ink slowly receded until the map looked as innocent as an old piece of parchment again.
I looked up at Severus, wondering what he thought of it. He had a guarded look on his face, his jaw tense and his eyes dark.
"Is something wrong?" I asked, a bit startled.
"Nothing," he said. But I knew he was lying. There was something about the map that upset him deeply.
I handed it back to him, assuming he would keep it for his own use, but he put up his hand. "I meant for you to have it. It's of no use to me."
Something occurred to me. Why would he have kept it in his desk drawer if he hadn't suspected it of some curious magic? He must have known what it was, if he'd thought I would appreciate it.
"You knew what it was?" I asked.
"Yes," he said, turning to close the drawer of his desk. "But certain charms bar me from opening it myself." His face was hidden in the shadows but I thought I heard a tightness in his voice indicative of some deep, old spite. I knew better than to pry.
I hugged the map to my chest. "Thank you," I said, when I could see his eyes again. I knew the day would come when I would have to hand it over to Harry–he had mentioned it on more than one occasion since the end of the war–but in the meantime, I was going to hold onto it myself.
We stood for a moment in silence.
"Do you want to rejoin the others?" he said, at last.
"I think I'll go up to bed."
"Good night."
"Good night."
I went to the door and he followed me, standing near as I went out. I turned and looked at him, mustering a smile. He nodded deeply, and the door softly closed as I turned around.
A wave of relief washed over me as I walked up the stairs to the entrance, and proceeded to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. I'd been ridiculous to even imagine that Severus would expect me to accompany him to bed so soon, and felt guilty for my apprehension. It didn't take a brilliant witch to see that he'd been alone in his heart for a long time. I wasn't the only one who found this situation difficult.
The classroom was deserted and chilly, the darkness of the rainy windows pervading the air. I lit a fire in the bedroom, and the flames cast light on the other carpetbag of clothes I'd left behind. Everything was as I'd left it before going to the Malfoy Manor. I set down my belongings, putting the map on the desk and touching it gently with my fingertips.
Memories drifted into my mind and body, of the two men I'd loved who were so closely entwined with the map. Then I thought of the haunted look on Severus's face when he'd seen it. I wondered if it had something to do with the history between Severus and Remus's friends when they'd been in school together. I had witnessed enough of Remus's interactions with Severus to infer that they hadn't gotten along very well. But perhaps if Severus had been unable to open the map, things had been worse between him and the Marauders than I had thought.
I was curious, but I knew I shouldn't ask. I would not soon forget what had happened the last time she'd tried to pry into Severus's personal affairs, and doesn't want a repeat of that.
Perhaps the time would come when he would tell me himself, but I doubted it. For now, I would consider it an act of kindness that he had given it to me.
Leaving the map, I took a warm shower and changed into my soft button-up pyjamas. Then I climbed into the bed, my body warming the sheets. I listened to the thunder, which eventually soothed me. But it was still a long time before I fell asleep. The ghost of Remus's presence was everywhere, and I would have to figure out how to ignore it all too soon.