Chapter 6 (Hisao)

I have now been running every day for five months. I'm up to five laps around the track, and I am on schedule to continue adding distance to my runs.

Emi and I have become increasingly close over the last two months, after she opened up to me on the rooftop after the festival. I still can't believe how much we have in common. We both lost someone very dear to us, and we struggle with what that means every single day. I am still amazed that Emi has never relied on anyone for support through all of her struggles. I'm happy I can be that person for her, and that she can be there for me.

We see each other every day for our morning run and lunch, and on days when we can manage it we like to hang out at the Shanghai in the evening. On the weekends we often go on outings into the city. We have busy lives of course, but when we are both free, we tend to be together. At this point, we've been seen together so often that our colleagues and many of the students think we are dating.

I'm pretty worried about her this morning. She didn't show up for the run, and she didn't text me anything to let me know what might be going on. I guess she might be sick or something, and really needed the sleep, but this still feels pretty strange.

I do my routine for the day. Emi doesn't really check my heart anymore unless I feel funny or something, as it has become clear this gradual building up of my stamina is working, so it isn't dangerous for me to do on my own.

—-

Emi also didn't show up for lunch today. I didn't want to be a bother when she might be sleeping earlier, but now I'm getting worried. I send her a text:

"Hey Emi, everything okay?"

She doesn't respond during my lunch break.

Once classes are done for the day, I notice she still hasn't responded. Alright, now I'm definitely worried. I decide to swing by the nursing offices to see if she might be there, but she isn't. And apparently she didn't come in today.

I try to call her as I walk back down the hill, but she doesn't pick up.

I guess I have to go check on her. We haven't really spent much time at each other's places, we tend to like to go somewhere else when we spend time together, but I know where she lives. Hopefully I'm not overstepping here.

I knock on the door, but there's no answer.

"Hey, Emi? Its Hisao. I just want to see that you're okay and then I'll leave you alone, alright?"

I knock again. This time I hear the familiar thumping sound that her prosthetics make. She opens the door a crack. From what I can see of her, she looks awful. There are big rings around her eyes and they look like they are bloodshot from crying.

"Here Hisao. See me? I'm okay. Now leave me alone."

"Emi…you don't look okay. Is there anything I can do to help?"

She sighs. "I don't know. As you can apparently tell, I'm in a pretty bad place right now, I don't know if you want to deal with me."

"Emi, come on. We've been over this. We're completely open with each other now, remember? Didn't you say that it was helping you? Haven't you helped me when I was in a really bad place? At least let me try to talk to you about what's going on. You can always just tell me to leave, so there's no harm in trying right?"

She sighs again. "Fine, Hisao. You can come in. The place is a mess, though. Watch your step."

I'm relieved that she finally let me in, but she wasn't lying when she said the place was a mess. It doesn't look like she has cleaned up in a while, and there's trash on the floor in many places. Its like she couldn't be bothered to actually throw anything away. I…recognize this kind of mess. After I lost Saki, at the height of my depression, I just lost all desire or interest in keeping my surroundings neat and tidy. It's amazing how hard something as simple as throwing away trash is when you're really depressed. She must have been doing really poorly the last several days.

Emi walks over to the couch, where she seems to have constructed a nest of sorts using blankets and pillows. She sits down, takes off her legs, and curls up in her nest, pulling a blanket over herself so I can't see her face or any other part of her."

"Sorry about not making it to our run or lunch today, Hisao. I'll be back tomorrow probably. I always bounce back."

"You don't need to apologize. Clearly you're not having a great day. It happens."

She nods.

"Have you eaten anything today? Do you want me to get you something?"

"No. Not hungry."

"Well, now I know something's really wrong." I joke. But I get no response.

"I'm sorry Emi, it clearly isn't the time for jokes."

Still no response.

"Okay Emi, I'm going to leave you alone now. If you want to talk about this, give me a call, okay?"

Emi faintly says something, but I can't quite make it out.

"What was that?"

"Don't go. Just stay a little longer. I'm trying to work myself up to tell you about this. I want to tell you. But it's hard. Just give me a little bit."

"Okay. I will stay here until you're ready to talk. Can I use your table to do some work?"

I see movement under the blanket, which I can only assume is a "Be my guest" gesture.

I sit down, get my laptop out, and do my usual evening routine. I respond to some emails, and look over my lesson plans for tomorrow.

Once I have completed the work I need to do, I notice an hour and a half has passed. Just when I was about to check to see if she had fallen asleep, Emi stirs. She pulls her blanket down so I can see the top of her head and her eyes, and she locks them on me. I turn towards her so she knows I am ready to listen.

"The anniversary is next week."

Anniversary? What? It doesn't look like she is going to elaborate any more on it either. She wants me to figure it out. Suddenly it dawns on me.

"...the anniversary of the crash?"

She nods.

I get up and sit next to the blanket-covered Emi.

"I see. Is it like this for you every year around this time?"

She pulls her blanket down a little farther, past her mouth, probably realizing it was muffling her speech. This must mean she is ready to talk more.

"Pretty much. If anything, it has gotten worse with time. I didn't usually end up missing a whole day of work until the last few years." She sighs.

"I get really depressed around the anniversary. The pain and the sadness is magnified…I dunno, 10 times or something. But…that isn't even the worst part."

Tears are welling up in her eyes now, as she looks off in the distance at nothing in particular.

"I…have these dreams…or, well…nightmares. About the crash. It's like…I am reliving the worst day of my life. Every detail of it." She turns and looks at me and repeats it for emphasis, her voice cracking. "Every. Detail." She starts crying quietly, and I put my arms around her.

"...I can't even imagine how difficult that is. That happens every time you try to sleep around this time of year?"

She nods slowly.

"They are…so vivid. I…usually wake up crying…sometimes my own screams wake me up." She sighs and looks down, "I feel like a crazy person."

"You aren't crazy. What you are is incredibly strong. I already thought you were, but hearing this? Just…wow."

She looks at me perplexed, as if she missed a step somewhere in the conversation.

"I can't imagine having to relive something like that even once, but you do it several times a year? And some how you manage to live your life, go to your job and help people? And you've still been helping me get in shape and everything? Even these last few days when things have been so hard? That's amazing."

"I..guess. Do you ever have dreams about your worst day?"

"I don't, actually. We might have a lot in common when it comes to dealing with grief and our fears about losing people, but what you went through was so much more traumatic. You had this horrible unthinkable thing happen to you out of nowhere. You saw…horrible things. And you were just a little girl."

"It's not a contest Hisao, what you went through was really hard too."

"I know, I'm not disputing that. I'm only saying it's different. What happened with Saki…it was planned, I always knew it was coming. It was a controlled environment. That makes the nature of it a lot different."

"I guess that makes sense…"

"So, are you sleeping at all?"

"N…not today. Normally the dreams disturb my sleep, but they don't just keep coming, and I can at least get some sleep. Normally I get up and go for a short run or something, clear my head, and go back to sleep. Last night…the dream wouldn't stop. Every time I fell asleep I was back in it. I'm really really afraid to go to sleep again. I can't see it again, Hisao." She starts crying again, I put my arm around her and she leans into my hug as she continues to sob.

I start to tear up a bit myself. How could anyone possibly endure this? I gave up a long time ago on the universe being fair. But this? It seems outright cruel. Hasn't she been through enough without seeing a neverending rerun of the worst thing that ever happened to her?

"I wish there was something I could do to make it stop, Emi. I really do."

She sniffles a little bit and smiles, the closest to her normal self she has looked all night. "Well, you aren't superman Hisao. Or…whatever superhero does dream stuff. But…just talking about it has helped some. I feel less insane at least. And that's something. So you did help."

She laughs a genuine Emi laugh, though she sounds a bit unhinged, probably the sleep deprivation getting to her.

"Who knew actually talking about your feelings and problems, not bottling them up, and getting help with them can make you feel better? We're the first ones, right?I think we should write a book or something."

She fully emerges from her blanket cocoon and gives me a proper hug. "Thanks, Hisao."

"So you're feeling better?"

"Better? Yes. All better? No. You aren't a miracle worker. I think I will sleep a little at least."

"Ouch, so I found out tonight I am neither a superhero nor a miracle worker. My dreams have been crushed."

She giggles and releases her hug.

"It's getting late. You should probably get going. I am going to try to get some sleep tonight. If all goes well, you will see me at the track in the morning. But even if I'm not, you better run your damn laps, Nakai!" She mock slaps me on the arm.

"Whoa, hey, I did this morning, you know! I will tomorrow too. But I really hope you're there."

"Me too." She waves me towards the door, "'Night Hisao."

—-

The next morning, I am relieved to see Emi is there before me. She definitely looks like she slept like crap, but she looks much better than yesterday.

"Glad you made it today Emi, guess you got some sleep?"

She nods. "We can talk some after we run. Now do your laps Nakai!"

Same old Emi.

Once we have done our running for the day, we are both sitting on the bench cooling down and hydrating.

"Thanks again for coming by yesterday, Hisao. I really needed it. My sleep wasn't perfect, but it was far better than the night before."

"Yeah, of course. I was really worried about you, glad I could help in some small way."

"I'm sorry I didn't respond to your texts or answer the phone yesterday. I…need to do better with that. I have come a long way when it comes to talking about my…stuff and letting you support me. But my instinct sometimes is still to shut you out. To lock myself in my apartment and deal with it on my own. I just wanted to be left alone to wallow in misery. Old habits die hard I guess. I tried to shut you out yesterday. I'm glad it didn't work."

"Emi, you were having a really tough day. I get that it can be hard sometimes on days like that. I wasn't offended or anything."

"Okay, good. But I do want to do better. I'm working on it, is all I can say."

"That's good to hear."

"Well, time to get going. I will see you at lunch today?"

"Yep, I'll be there."

"Okay, have a good morning then!"