44. Two Birthdays

I woke slowly, my head full of fog. It took me a few moments to realise that Severus was still there, and that I was in fact draped over his body. My knee was resting over his thigh, my leg between his legs, my cheek on his chest and my arm over his shoulder. He was holding me, his hand resting upon my waist.

The rise and fall of his chest was slow, and I thought he was sleeping. But his hand moved when he sensed I had woken. "Are you awake?" he said quietly.

I drew away from his chest, pushing myself up on my elbow. I felt my face grow warm. I was surprised to have woken up in such an intimate position. Severus certainly hadn't situated us this way himself. I must have moved in my sleep. I felt an involuntary flexing in my lower parts when I looked at him. He looked oddly well rested.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

I opened my mouth but no words came out. I closed it and nodded. I was embarrassed by this sudden closeness, and expected his mouth to curl into a mocking expression at any moment. But it did not. He was simply looking at me.

I softly disentangled myself from him, and stood up. It was just after sunrise, and the room was painted a soft pink by the light.

"Thank you. For staying," I said, after a silent moment.

He also shifted from the bed, and stood on the other side of it. I looked at him, unable to understand the racing emotions inside of me. It was something in the way his eyes were. They seemed clearer than normal.

I felt my heart speed up at the mere thought that he had seen me at my most vulnerable. I remembered how he had come inside of me, the strength and sound of his final moan. The memory was so intense that I wanted to cry. I didn't understand it, but I wanted to be held by him again.

Severus, seeming to sense my storming feelings, stepped gently away. "I will see you at breakfast," he said.

I watched, a desperate desire in my chest as he went to the open door and stepped out. My feet had minds of their own as I pursued him to the door. He was already halfway across the classroom. "Severus?" I called.

He turned, and waited as I went down the stairs and crossed the cold flagstones. I hesitated a moment, and then lifted myself to press my lips to his cheek.

His mouth twitched into a momentary smile as I drew back. I watched him nervously, hoping I hadn't crossed a boundary–though what I had done was extremely tame compared to what had happened between us last night.

I held my breath as he stroked my arm, and leaned down to kiss my forehead. Then he turned and left. I stood there watching until the door closed behind him.

My gaze fell on the cup of tea, long gone cold, and The Iliad.

I covered my face with my hands.

"Fuck," I hissed to myself.

Breakfast was torturous. Severus was already there when I entered the great hall, and I took my new usual place across from him. Minerva had a deeply knowing look on her face as I avoided his constant gaze. Sybill was speaking about something dreamily, and I tried to follow what she was saying as I put food on my plate, my hands trembling. I nearly tipped over my cup of tea when I accidentally caught Severus's glance. My confusing emotions frustrated me to no end. Nothing had changed…

But I knew that wasn't entirely true. He had been naked before me last night in more ways than one. And now I sensed a depth of feeling in him that was impossible to ignore. I was as unable to understand him as ever, but I realised that, now, I wanted to.

I was thankful for the distraction when Errol flew into the great hall and landed clumsily on the table. His wing knocked over a tower of apples and, having scared himself, he stumbled directly onto my plate.

"Oh, dear!" Sybill gasped, startled. Severus's eyebrow crept upward.

"Sorry," I said, apologising for old Errol, though I was smiling. Everyone in the family was surprised he was still living, but I was glad every time I saw him.

I untied the letter from his leg and opened it.

Wilma,

Arthur and I hope you are well. We are having George's birthday, and have asked everyone to come. I hope you will, but if not, that is alright.

With love,

Molly

I felt a deep pain in my heart as I read the letter over again.

George's birthday.

His name looked so strange there, all alone. I knew at once that I would go. If his name looked so forlorn, surely the real George would be as well. I felt it was my duty to be present with the rest of the family. I recalled our reconciliation in Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes back in November. We had not spoken deeply since then, but perhaps the time was ripe. Perhaps I would tell him–only him–about the Resurrection Stone.

I looked up at Severus, who was watching me intently. "I have to go home," I said. "It's… It's George's birthday."

Minerva looked at me with sympathy in her eyes, but I managed to smile. My grief for Fred remained, but it was less painful now, after having seen him one last time.

Severus's face had taken on an expression quite different from Minerva's. I wasn't sure what it meant, but I sensed that behind it was concealed how he felt about Fred. I couldn't help but wonder. I hoped he wouldn't mind my leaving so soon after our consummation, but secretly I was relieved at an excuse to get away. I needed a day or two to process my emotions.

"It's tomorrow," I explained. "I'll have to leave today."

"Of course," he said.

Part of me had expected him to respond differently. I nodded after a moment, and mustered a smile.

After breakfast I went to the bedroom to retrieve my cloak. I had a few spare clothes at home, so I didn't need to bring anything but it and my wand. Walking downstairs I remembered the Dreamless Sleep potion, and took two vials from the storeroom. I decided I would make a habit of taking it every night.

Severus was just coming up the stairs from his office when I came into the entryway.

"I will escort you to the Three Broomsticks, if you wish," he offered.

"Thank you," I said.

We passed the walk in a slightly awkward silence, but I was glad to have his company. Madam Rosmerta looked at us with open curiosity when we entered the Three Broomsticks together. She did not say anything but "Morning," but I assumed Severus would withstand further questioning once I had gone.

In front of the fireplace I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around his back, feeling his breath with my hands. He ran his fingers through my hair and I drew away flushed.

"I'll come back on the second," I told him, too weak to meet his eyes. Then, my heart burning with relief, I stepped into the fire.

I stepped out of the fireplace at the Burrow to see Bill and Fleur sitting on the couch, kissing deeply. Bill's hand was lovingly placed over Fleur's swelling belly. They drew apart in surprise at my appearance and I stumbled in embarrassment, tracking ashes onto the rug.

"Sorry," I said, flushing deeply.

"Is that Wilma?" Molly called from the kitchen.

"Home, mum!" I called, and left Bill and Fleur to themselves, going to her.

She hugged me tightly, and withdrew, smiling as she touched my face. "Thank you for coming, dear–" she said, but she suddenly jumped as a loud BANG came from the shed behind the house. She turned to the window with an exasperated look on her face and growled. "He's been out there nonstop working on that blasted thing!"

"What is it now?" I asked, holding back a laugh at her familiar reaction to one of Arthur's projects.

"Sirius Black's old flying bicycle," she said. "He wants to fix it and give it to Harry for his birthday."

"Oh," I said.

Arthur was indeed passionate about it. He came in for lunch and spoke very exuberantly about his progress.

"Mutterbike, Molly," he corrected. "It has an engine, like a car."

Molly gave him a sharp look, recalling the many incidents involving the old Ford Anglia, and the subject was closed.

Bill and Fleur and I were the only ones to arrive a day early, and the house was very quiet that night. I restlessly tossed and turned in my bed, kept awake by thoughts of the previous night. I wondered how Severus was doing, what he was thinking.

The others arrived gradually over the course of the next morning. Hermione and Ron were first, then Harry and Ginny. I began to sense, soon before Percy arrived, that George would be last. Molly was nervous as she waited for him, going from the sitting room to the kitchen and back. He finally arrived at eleven o'clock, apparating into the meadow rather than using the floo network. He looked none too pleased about anything. I hadn't seen him since February, and the intervening weeks had done nothing good. He submitted to Molly's hug, and sat very tensely at the table, enduring the repetitions of "Happy Birthday."

I kept my distance, although I knew I wouldn't be any more or less of a reminder of Fred than any other person in the room.

Bill was the one to lure him out-of-doors with the suggestion of some flying, which George had never been known to pass up, even in his worst moods. I felt relieved when he agreed. If he'd said no, then he would have been beyond hope.

"Wonder if it's Angelina," Ginny said, once they had gone out.

Molly was looking desperately out the window as her two sons collected their brooms from the shed and kicked off side by side.

"That smells lovely, Mrs. Weasley," Hermione said, to break the silence, and Molly quickly took the cake out of the oven, which had been a minute away from burning.

"Go and join your brothers," Molly said to Ron, when he wandered into the room. Hermione gave him a significant look, and he went out the door.

"I'll go as well," Harry said. Ginny looked after him lovingly. Our cycles had always been synced up while we'd lived under the same roof. If they still were, then she was in her fertile window as well. I found myself wondering how her sex life was, but quickly banished the inappropriate curiosity.

Ginny and Hermione helped with the frosting for the cake (carrot cake, as the twins had always had), and I sat with Fleur while she knitted, watching tiny socks form.

"He will come in September," she told me proudly. "The little feet will be cold." There were faint traces of her formerly thick accent in her inflection.

"You think it's a boy?" I asked.

"Bill thinks it will be a girl. I know it is a boy." She smiled.

I felt myself tense a bit, as I realised there was a possibility I could be pregnant after the night before last. Unbidden, the panting and moaning, the heat, the helpless enfoldings of limbs echoed in my mind. Viewed in their throbbing light, a baby seemed inevitable. I put the possibility aside, however. I would cross that bridge when I came to it, or drive myself mad with anxiety.

The boys were still out when the cake had cooled enough to be frosted. Molly did it herself, expertly manipulating the frosting so that the cake looked like a cloud. I watched her back while she did her work, and sensed that she was near tears.

"Would you like to put the candles in dear?" she asked me, holding the box in one hand. Indeed I saw the beginnings of tears in her eyes.

"Yes," I said, and took over so she could have a moment alone.

Twenty-one candles on top of the cake. At first my fingers tried to go about it numbly, but then I paid more attention to what I was doing. Each candle placed an equal distance from each other.

I finished, and hid the cake in one of the cupboards. Molly would want to bring it out as a surprise after lunch.

The boys came inside shortly, sweating from flying. "You lot go and wash up," Arthur said, speaking on Molly's behalf. Ginny and I had finished preparing the meal, while Fleur and Hermione had set the table.

Soon we were all assembled, Molly having covered the evidence of her crying. George was given the seat of honour at the head of the table, but was not in a celebratory mood. The flying seemed to have enabled him to slip on a mask, but I could see through it like nothing. He was miserable.

It didn't help that, in the silent moments as we ate, the underlying awareness of Fred's absence grew more potent.

"Percy," Bill said, after one such pause. "How's it going with Beatrice?"

I dimly remembered the name. Percy had married a woman named Beatrice soon after I'd married Remus, but none of the family had been involved. He'd been very distant about it, and Bill's question came from a place of genuine lack of knowledge.

"Beatrice is pregnant," Percy said nonchalantly.

"Percy!" Molly exclaimed. "Why didn't you say?"

"I've just said, haven't I?" he said. And there was a sharpness in his tone that made everyone quiet down for a long moment.

Hermione looked at me imploringly. "How are things at Hogwarts?"

I felt many eyes turn to me, and spoke without thinking, only wanting to help clear the air. "I'm, um… I've agreed to teach next year."

There was approval from all corners of the table–with the notable exceptions of George, who was staring grimly at his plate, and Percy, who was ignoring everyone.

"What subject?" Harry asked.

"Um… Potions," I said, a bit tentatively.

A look of confusion crossed his face. "Is Snape not teaching anymore?"

"No, he's finally got his hands on Defence Against the Dark Arts," I said.

I looked down at my plate, confused by my choice of words. Among this company it was automatic to speak of Severus as though he were an enemy. But he certainly was not. On the contrary, my own mention of his hands made me suddenly need to hide my face.

Hermione cleared her throat. "Are you not assisting Snape for a year first?"

"No," I said. "Straight into it."

She looked impressed.

"Wilma, dear…" I looked down the table at Molly, my eyes warningly wide as I sensed what she was about to say. "Why don't you tell everybody?"

I flushed hard, and looked down again as multiple eyes moved between us. "Um… I, um…"

"Wilma is remarried," Molly said.

"To who?" Ginny asked. Her eyes were sharp.

For a brief moment I resented Molly for bringing it up, but knew it had to come out at some point. "Well… to Severus," I said quietly.

Everyone became more alert at that. There were silent glances cast across the table. Hermione opened her mouth and raised her eyebrows before looking deliberately down at her plate. Ron went pink and moved his hand over his mouth in a familiar way–holding back a disbelieving laugh.

Fleur grew a bit taller in her chair. "Severus Snape is a war hero. You should be proud."

"Thanks," I said, grateful for her words.

Harry nodded, agreeing with Fleur, but there was something complicated buried underneath his silence.

"What's that supposed to mean?" George said.

I turned to him. Molly, who had been anxiously waiting for him to speak all through the meal, said, "What, dear?" leaning her ear towards him.

George's face was like a stone. "War hero, what does that mean? Stupid, really. They only gave titles to the ones that lived."

There was a terrible silence.

"I am sorry," Fleur said, her eyes watering with guilt. "I was not thinking."

"It's fine," Bill consoled her.

But Fred interrupted. "No, it isn't."

I had never seen him quite like this. True anger was in his eyes, and twisted his face horribly. His voice shook. "You're all pretending he isn't gone. We can't just sit here and not… Fred should be here. I don't give a toss what Snape…"

He had risen from his chair and was looking desperately around at everyone. I looked at him, trying to show him I understood. But when he saw my eyes he suddenly kicked his chair. "FUCK! THIS!" he shouted. And then he stormed away from the table and slammed the back door shut behind him.

Half of us were looking down ashamedly at our plates, the other half looking after him in shock, not knowing how to respond to the outburst. Molly began to cry and Arthur wrapped an arm around her.

Bill pressed a hand to Fleur's hand, the sunlight from outside illuminating his scars. "I'll go talk to him," he said.

He gave up after a minute, coming back through the door and shaking his head.

Hardly aware of myself, I stood up from my own chair. The family watched me silently as I went to the door, nodded to Bill, and went outside myself.

George was standing near the edge of the woods, looking into the deep green and golden shadows there. I walked through the sunlit meadow to him, and stopped when I was standing beside him. He didn't turn to acknowledge me.

"I want to tell you about something," I said, after a moment.

He was silent.

"A few days ago, I was in the forest by the school. I found the Resurrection Stone. And… I used it." I looked at him, his face staring forward into the woods. "I saw Fred. He's alright. He's not alone, and… I think you will see him again."

George began to cry silently, the intensity of his grief evident in the hard shaking of his shoulders. I was startled when he turned and embraced me tightly, crying into my hair. I wrapped my arms around him in return, overcoming the painful false illusion that he was Fred.

"It's alright," I said, wanting badly to console him.

"No–" he said, through his tears. "It's not."

"I know."

He drew away and crossed his arms, trembling for another minute.

"Mum made a carrot cake," I said, when his tears had abated.

A fresh wave touched his cheeks, which he wiped away. He nodded his head. "Okay."

I held his arm to give him confidence as we went back inside.

That evening he went back to London, despite Molly's offers for him to stay the night, or a couple of nights. I knew that the prospect of staying in the room where he and Fred had always slept was much too painful.

Percy and Hermione and Ron also left, but Bill, Fleur, Ginny and Harry stayed the night. Ginny and I were the last ones awake, sitting up near the fire with tea for some time after the others had gone upstairs.

"Wilma?" she said, after a long silence, her voice delicate but meaningful. I looked at her. "I'm shocked about Snape. I mean, Severus."

"So am I," I admitted.

"Why did you choose him?"

My first thought was to say There was no-one else, which was what I had been telling myself. But now I realised that it wasn't fully true. Had I been deeply averse to marrying Severus, I wouldn't have had to. There could have been another opportunity, even with a half-stranger, which I would have taken if the thought of being his wife had been truly detestable to me. The fact was, that it hadn't been. Even in my shock after Remus's desertion and the night with Lucius, there had been part of me which had trusted Severus, had silently wanted his protection.

"Because he was there for me," I said to Ginny. "I think that's why."

She nodded her head slowly, sipping her tea and looking into the fire. "Is he gentle with you?" she asked. "I mean…" She gave me a significant look.

My eyelids fluttered slightly as I recalled our first night. "Yes," I said, for had I said more my voice would have shaken.

Ginny went to join Harry in her old bed, and I was left alone. I waited until the fire had gone out on its own, and then stepped outside. The full moon was dominating the black sky. I looked up at it for a while, wondering where Remus was. I hoped he wasn't hurting himself; wasn't being hurt.

Upstairs I took the ring he had given me out of the pouch in the drawer and touched it, but did not put it on. I put it back into the darkness with a feeling of guilt, as though I should not even have looked at it.

Lying awake, I decided that I would send Remus a patronus in the morning. Perhaps I would make a habit of it after every full moon. Even in my struggle to let go, I needed him to know that there was a place for him if he needed it. That he would not be shunned if he came back.

My blue raven shimmered when I conjured it in the early morning light. "Hello," I began. "I want to tell you that I'm safe. I'm married to Severus now. I finished The Odyssey. I think I understand why you enjoy it so much, and I do too."

I took a deep breath.

"I still love you," I admitted. "I still want you to come back. If you can't, I will understand. Just don't hurt yourself. Don't stay away if you don't need to. You don't have to live in loneliness forever."

The raven waited for a moment, and then after I'd been silent for some time, took the message and flapped away.

Spring finally came to Hogwarts. Everything seemed to turn green in the days after I returned from the Burrow. Life returned to the woods, a haze of green entering the treetops, and the weather was a bit warmer, though still blustery.

Severus and I took advantage of the conditions to do more work outside. We harvested many ingredients from the forest, from the lake, and from the woods. I found it difficult to focus on learning from him. I was too distracted by his presence, and his confusing behaviour.

I kept waiting for a sign from him, for him to try to hold me again. But he didn't. In fact, he acted as though our night together had not happened, as though my absence had wiped the slate clean. He had even stopped kissing my hand.

I couldn't deny that I felt hurt by this, and confused. He seemed to have rebuilt his wall as quickly as he could in the two days I'd been gone. His craftsmanship had been rushed and shoddy, and there were one or two places where I could peek through. But the holes were so small that I was never sure of what I thought I saw on the other side.

George's birthday made me wonder when Teddy's was. It must have been soon; he'd still been an infant when the battle took place. Perhaps I had missed it. I wrote a letter to Andromeda asking her, and she responded informing me it was on the eleventh of April. On the same day, I received, coincidentally, a letter from Molly, saying she was planning to throw a small party at the Burrow for Teddy's first birthday. She had yet to ask Andromeda, but hoped I would visit again. By the next day, the whole thing was sorted. Andromeda had agreed, and there would be a small gathering with cake on the eleventh. I agreed to join in.

I broached the subject to Severus as we cleaned the classroom after a session of potion brewing. I had done my best to remain soft, to remain myself in the face of his hardness, but it was no easy feat.

"I need to go away again," I began.

"Why?" He didn't do me the courtesy of looking at me, but I took his difficulty in stride.

"Teddy's birthday. Um. Remus's son."

I saw one of his eyebrows lift. "Ah."

"Just for another couple of days."

"He's only an infant," Severus said. "He won't remember it if you don't go."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"He won't remember that you weren't there."

I thought this was a rather cold way of thinking about young children, but was wiser than to say so aloud. "But I will be there," I said. I was sensing an argument on the horizon, but kept myself calm.

Severus scowled. "I mean to tell you that you don't need to go."

I shook my head. "This is a misunderstanding. I don't feel obligated. I want to be a part of his life. He needs people to love him."

Severus didn't even respond.

"You don't want me to go," I realised aloud.

"I don't care," he said. But the needles underneath his voice were painfully sharp. I listened to how he spoke rather than what he said, feeling weak in the face of his subtle attack.

"Good, because I'm going," I said quietly. The classroom was clean. I could leave immediately. "I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Suit yourself," he said. I shot a scornful look at the back of his head, but he didn't look around. I quickly walked away, pushing down tears.

Ginny and Harry came, as well as Bill and Fleur. Teddy was as jolly as I'd ever seen him–besides when he'd been in Remus's arms–and seemed to enjoy all of the attention. He gave a full-bodied laugh when he first saw me, and his hair turned a bright daffodil yellow.

Molly brought out the camera, and Ginny took charge of taking photographs, as she'd always liked to do on special occasions.

Though it still changed colour frequently, Teddy's hair seemed to favour a shade of aquamarine blue. Molly charmed the cake frosting to the same hue. Rather than eat the cake Andromeda tried to feed him, Teddy elected to pick up a large chunk with both hands, and smear it on his face.

Fleur laughed so hard at the sight that she began to cry, and had to excuse herself from the room. "Hormones," Bill explained, blushing.

After the cake, we took Teddy out into the garden, where he toddled around happily in the sun. After a few minutes I stepped back inside to get some water, but stopped, overhearing Molly and Andromeda talking privately in the kitchen.

"I'm so exhausted," Andromeda was confessing. "I'm lonely where I am. I love the boy, but I want to start a new life of my own."

Teddy slept in the old crib that night, and I stayed with him in the sitting room, sleeping on the couch. I lay there for a long time with my eyes closed, but awake, deep in thought.

There was a deep truth in how I'd explained myself to Severus. I wanted to keep Teddy in my life, even if Remus never came back.

Andromeda had not expected to be raising another child single-handedly from infancy, and didn't deserve to feel trapped. It was the responsibility of a younger person to take over caring for Teddy, so that Andromeda could move on and learn how to live her life again after the war.

I was not sure that I was the right person for the task, given my unstable situation at present. I didn't know the first thing about caring for a dependent child. But I thought that perhaps, eventually, I should be the one to mother him.

It was a massive responsibility. But though it was daunting, it felt natural–like I was truly supposed to take it on. When I had used the Resurrection Stone, Tonks had asked me personally to watch over her son. I would keep my promise.

I made an offer to Andromeda the following afternoon, while Molly was with Teddy in the meadow. "I wonder if I could come to Hunston every week or so. I could take care of Teddy and you could take a day to yourself."

Andromeda looked at me appraisingly, seeming to sense my underlying intentions.

"It's no easy job, taking care of him," she warned.

"I know I'm not ready yet," I said. "But maybe, after a while, I could be."

Her eyes were narrowed, but she nodded. "Alright. How about next weekend?"

"That sounds perfect," I said. And the precious boy came toddling in with a fistful of wildflowers.