Chapter 11 (Hisao POV)

I'm in my apartment, trying to process the major bombshell that Emi dropped on me earlier today.

She…loves me?

She has been acting a little differently lately, always looking at me as if she's studying me. It has also felt like she was initiating physical contact more and that it was lasting longer.

I've been feeling a little bit different too. I noticed at the beach that I felt some physical attraction to her. I wasn't sure what it meant then. But for the first time since Saki I found myself actually looking at another woman. And then there was that moment in the hot tub, when part of me really wanted to keep holding her.

I don't know what to do.

She's my best friend. I love being around her. She means so much to me. She has helped me dig out of a very dark hole in my life. I know she really cares about me. I really care about her too. She's definitely attractive. Something I have started to appreciate more and more lately.

But…am I ready? Am I interested in romance again?

I glance over at Saki's bookshelf. She wanted me to find love again. Is this it? I still miss her so much. Shouldn't I be done thinking about Saki so much if I'm ready for a relationship?

Ugh, why did I just run away like that? I definitely got scared, but it still wasn't fair to her. I can't imagine confessing to someone like that and just having them run away without saying a word. It's been several hours now too. I'm horrible. She didn't do anything wrong. She just told me her feelings. Something that is the bedrock of our friendship. I need to say something to her.

I write out a text: "I'm really sorry I freaked out and ran away. That wasn't right for me to do. I'm thinking about things."

She quickly replies: "Take all the time you need."

I don't know how she can be that understanding about this.

I need to talk to someone about this. Obviously I can't talk to my usual person, but there's someone else who could really help.

I get out my phone, select Chisato's name and hit the call button. She answers after a few rings.

"Hey, Hisao, how are you?"

"Okay, I guess. Things just got….really confusing, though."

"What do you mean?" Her questioning tone sounds more than a little forced. That's…suspicious.

"Um…Emi confessed to me today. She told me she loved me."

"What did you say?" Now it sounds like she's using every fiber of her being to keep from sounding excited, but it isn't quite working.

"I said…I need to think about things." I sigh, ashamed. "Well..not at first, the first thing I did was run away without saying a word to her for several hours. It was not my finest moment, and not a good way to treat my best friend."

"Well, confessing is a big deal. I think she'll understand."

"Yeah, she did, actually, or at least it seemed like it over text."

"So, what are you confused about exactly?"

"I dunno. Everything? Things between the two of us have been different lately. There's been romantic tension that didn't used to be there before. I've… found myself thinking about how attractive she is and stuff. And now that she's confessed, I guess that it's the same for her. But, I just don't know if I'm ready. I still miss Saki so much. All the time, really. So I guess that's what has me confused."

"Hisao, I think I should tell you something, and it might make you mad, and you probably have a right to be, but I think you need to know. I think it might help you to know too."

Suddenly things click into place.

"You guys talked about this at the beach, didn't you?" I say with more than a hint of irritation.

"...yes. How did you just figure that out?"

"A few things. She said she realized she loved me while we were at the beach, things have had that different feeling ever since the beach, and she was really evasive with me when I asked what you guys talked about that day. You were also really suspicious at the beginning of this conversation."

She scoffs, annoyed I figured it out just before she was going to tell me.

"Okay fine, you're right. I definitely gave her a little bit of a push in this direction."

I feel some anger flash inside of me.

"Why? Why would you do that? Couldn't you have just left it alone? And why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry for hiding this from you, but let me explain why I gave her the push. I saw you two that day and couldn't help but feel like something was there. You two felt like a couple in every way. Mitsuru thinks so too. You both lit up every time you looked at one another, or every time one of you said something to the other. It was adorable. When you're with her, you are just…so much happier than I've seen you for years. I'm even pretty sure we caught each of you checking the other out."

Damn, I thought I was a little more discreet than that.

"You've already made eachother so much happier as friends. So, I just told her I thought she should think about whether something else was there. She thought about it awhile, and then decided there was."

"That…makes it sound like you've talked to her about this other than at the beach, Chisato."

"We may have had a little chat or two, yes."

I feel another flash of anger, but it subsides. I can't be too mad. Emi needed someone to talk to. She said she's been struggling with this for awhile, and obviously she couldn't talk to me about it. I'm actually pretty impressed that she was able to talk about her feelings with Chisato.

"Chisato...why exactly do you want the two of us to be together so badly?" She giggles in response.

"Something funny?"

"Yes, she asked me the same thing."

"What did you tell her?"

"It really isn't that complicated, Hisao. We really care about you, and we want you to be happy. We strongly believe Emi can do that for you."

"Okay…but I still don't know."

"Tell me Hisao, what is it about her that makes you doubt whether or not you have feelings for her?"

"Um…I…"

She interrupts me before I can answer.

"Is it the fact that you enjoy one another's company? Is it because you two already share a deep emotional bond? Is it because you two make eachother into better people? Is it because you both have experienced intense grief and can relate to one another? Is it because she's really freaking attractive?...I can keep going, but I think you already love her, you just aren't being honest with yourself about it. I think it was the same for her until our talk on the beach."

I sigh.

"...it isn't anything about her. You're right. She would make a great partner. But…I guess…my confusion is about me. I don't know if I can be a good boyfriend."

Her voice sharpens, "Why would you ever think a thing like that? You were the best boyfriend and husband Saki could ever ask for, Hisao. That isn't me being hyperbolic, or trying to pump up your ego. I truly believe that. I don't think there was another person on the planet that was better for her. You were devoted to her. You supported her through…so much..." I hear her sniffling slightly.

"That's…kind of why, though. I still miss Saki so much. Every day. Should I still be thinking about her all the time? Even when I'm with my girlfriend?"

"Hisao, I don't think you're ever going to stop missing Saki. And you shouldn't. But you shouldn't treat it as an excuse not to live your life either. I miss Saki every single day too. Does that mean I should stop making new friends? I even have a best friend here in Tokyo that I adore. But that doesn't mean I magically stop missing Saki."

I can tell that she's crying a little now.

"I still wish I could talk to her every day. Every morning when I'm trying to decide what I'm going to wear for the day, I stop and think about what Saki would say. That doesn't mean I don't also really love the friends I have today. New people in your life don't replace her, Hisao. Nothing ever can. You just have to realize that and get on with your life."

I am stunned into silence for a few seconds as I process what she just said.

"Wow…that's…a really good point. I've always sort of thought I would know I was ready when I stopped missing her so much…but yeah, that's probably never going to go away if it hasn't by now."

She laughs, "Don't sound so surprised that I am so wise. So what are you going to do?"

"I'm not 100% sure yet. But, you've definitely got me leaning in the direction of returning her feelings. I think I'm going to take a day or two to think about it, and then give her a response."

"Good."

"Chisato? Do me a favor and don't tell Emi about this conversation okay?"

She laughs, "Okay, I won't talk to her about you behind your back again. I am sorry for that, but I think if this all ends up working out, you're probably going to want to thank me."

"Yeah, maybe. Goodbye Chisato, thanks again."

After we hang up, I stop to think about everything.

The way I feel about Emi does sound like love, I just haven't really opened myself up to the possibility.

Is it really okay if I still miss Saki and I'm in a relationship with Emi? It does make some sense. There's Chisato's example, but that's not the only one that comes to mind. Emi still misses her dad every single day, and he's been gone for more than 20 years. She really likes her mom's husband. It is kind of the same thing, isn't it?

I lie down on my bed and send Emi a text.

"I don't think I'm going to make it to our run or lunch tomorrow. I really want to have an answer for you the next time we see each other, and I'm going to take tomorrow to think about it."

"Okay. Make sure you get a run in SOMEWHERE though. 😜" I can't help but laugh. Even in this situation she's telling me I better not slack off.

—-

I woke up extra early today. I'm at the track 30 minutes earlier than I usually am. I'm really trying to sort out my thoughts. I'm still not entirely sure what I'm going to say to Emi. But, I thought seeing her again would help me make my final decision, whatever it ends up being.

Emi arrives only a few minutes after me. I guess that makes sense, she's probably nervous too, since I basically told her I would have an answer today. Once I can see her up close, I can definitely tell she's nervous. She doesn't look like she slept well and she has a half-smile half-grimace on her face.

I wave at her with a smile, and she doesn't waste time on pleasantries. "So, do you have your answer?"

"I do." That's kind of a lie, so I better sort this thing out. "But let's run first. Clear our heads, you know?"

She hesitates for a moment, but then nods. Of course she can't say no to a run.

As we're running around the track, I can't help but notice the way her body moves. She has such good form as a runner of course, and the way her petite frame bends and flexes is a little hypnotic. She is a particularly pleasant sight from behind. This is something I've started to notice lately, but I haven't really let myself fully indulge. She really does have an incredible body.

I finish my shorter routine and sit down, and I watch her closely as she does her concluding sprints.

While I was admiring her body before, now I'm focusing more on her face. She really does look incredible when she runs. Her entrancing green eyes sparkle with satisfaction, and her mouth is curved into a determined smile. Her determination really is limitless. She is a woman who lost her legs and through her determination became a gifted runner. She is a woman who is constantly haunted by the death of her father and relives it regularly, but she is still determined to get up in the morning and help students. She met me for the first time in 16 years, but was immediately determined to help me get healthy.

That determined smile she wears on the track really sums up who she is. And she is beautiful.

I know what I am going to say now. I'll remember this as the moment that I knew I loved her.

She finishes her run and comes to sit down next to me on the bleachers. This is something we have done many times, but it feels different this time. Emi gives me an expectant but nervous look as she drinks from her water bottle.

I stand up in front of her, and prepare to give her my answer.

"Emi I…just wanted to apologize again for how I reacted the other da-"

"Yeah, yeah Hisao, you're sorry – I get it. Now get to the point!" I can't help but chuckle at her impatience.

I take a deep breath.

"Emi, I really enjoy being with you. You've made me a much better, happier person. You've helped me find my way out of the darkest time in my life. My favorite thing about every day is our morning runs and lunches together. Over the last two days I've been doing a lot of thinking…and I've come to realize that…I want to be with you too. I want to see this special bond between us to become even deeper. Emi, I…love you too."

Before I even complete the last sentence, Emi squeaks, tosses her water bottle aside, and bounces up to me on her running blades. We embrace each other in a tight hug, her smiling face buried in my chest. We've hugged each other countless times at this point, but this one is different. For one thing, we're squeezing each other as tightly as we can, enjoying the contact of our bodies on one another. For another, it lasts much longer.

We stay like this for a while, but eventually Emi looks up at me with a smile and puts her hand on my cheek.

"Uhm, Hisao? If you're going to kiss me it should probably be soon, since we need to get showered and go to work."

I smile back at her and plant my lips on hers for a tender kiss. Her lips are soft, and she tastes and smells vaguely of strawberries. We're both sweaty from the run, and normally I wouldn't think that would be something I would enjoy, but it is right now. It feels good to have my body and lips pressed up against her. I made the right choice.

We break the kiss after a few moments, and Emi lets out a long giggle.

"I hope that giggle isn't about my technique! I am very out of practice, so cut a guy some slack."

"Don't be silly. It was a great kiss. It was a happy giggle. I really didn't know what to expect today. I am just so happy that this is how it went. I feel like I could run about a million more sprints right now."

She gives me another tight squeeze and rests her head on my chest again.

"So, I guess it worked, huh?"

"What did?"

"Your long-term plan to make me fall in love with you."

I am really confused for a moment, and then remember what she's talking about. It seems so long ago now. On that day she was afraid I was going to confess to her she told me she was going to keep an eye out for any signs I was trying to make her fall in love with me. Here we are several months later, and she's overjoyed that I confessed to her. I can't help but laugh.

"Yeah, I guess it did. I didn't even know about it at the time, but it looks like it worked."

"Yes, it sure did." She looks up at me with a smile.

"Alright, I guess we've gotta go be grownups now," Emi says with a pout. "See you at lunch?"

"It's a date!"

—-

I make it to the Tea Room before Emi. At least, that's how it appears at first. When I close the door behind myself, I see Emi was hiding behind it. She jumps and throws her arms around my neck and kisses me. I catch her and hold her in the air while returning the kiss, before gently putting her down.

"Well, hello to you too! Don't forget I have a heart condition. Surprise kiss attacks might not be a great idea."

Emi's eyes get wide and she looks concerned for a split second. Then she elbows me in my side. "Jerk! I believed you for a second!"

We sit down with our lunches in front of us. Normally we eat before talking, but that's not the case today.

"Sooo Hisao, how's your day going? Anything interesting happen?"

I laugh at her. "Well, more than one of my students has wanted to know why I am in such a good mood. Of course, I don't know how to feel about the fact that they also assumed it must have something to do with some scientific breakthrough. Apparently for most of them they could only imagine me being happy about something like that. I am not sure how to feel about that."

Emi gives me a massive smile.

"Well, you DO love science! But I am glad to hear that the effect of this morning's events is noticeable to others. I know it has been on my mind all morning too. During one of my therapy sessions this morning I um…sort of spaced out while thinking about it…and the next thing I knew the kid was telling me I was hurting her from massaging her quad so long."

After finishing her story, Emi reaches her hand out and I take it in mine, lacing our fingers together.

"So I know it was a joke, but earlier you called today's lunch a 'date.' Don't get me wrong, I love our lunches, and will probably love them even more now, but don't think this gets you out of us having a real first date!"

"It is interesting that we were friends for so long before this, as it isn't like we haven't been out together before, many times. But I promise we will do something special and it will definitely be different than those other outings. How about this Saturday?"

"I am definitely free then. But uhm…I am kind of wondering what you think about…tonight? I want to make you dinner and then we can watch a movie or something. At my place?"

I hesitate a bit. We haven't ever spent much time at each other's apartments, only enough time to meet up there before going somewhere else, or if one of us was there to comfort the other during a hard time. Spending an evening in her apartment certainly would be a marked difference from our time as friends…does she want to…?

Noticing my hesitation, Emi lets go of my hand and puts her hands to her mouth, as if she is trying to put the words back in. Speaking so quickly the words are starting to run together, she says : "Oh God. Is that crazy? Letmeknowifiambeingcrazy. Wejuststarteddatingtodayandiinvitedyoutomyapartmentwhatwasithinking. Nevermind…IthinkIamgoimgtogonow"

Taking some time to decode these rapidfire words, I reach out for her hand and grab it as she tries to dart out of the room.

"Emi, calm down. It's okay. We can do tonight. I have science club after classes, but should be free after that. Should I come around 8?"

She forced a smile, still not fully confident in the situation.

"Y-yeah…that sounds great."

"What were you so concerned about that you started talking so fast and wanted to run away?"

Emi sighs.

" You weren't saying anything and I freaked out that I was pushing things too fast. I thought I had messed things up. You said earlier you're out of practice with this sort of thing, and the truth is I am too. Well, not that out of practice about…the physical part. But very out of practice with everything else. No, that's not accurate. I haven't practiced at ALL when it comes to this. This is like trying to run the 100 meter after spending a year in a hospital bed."

She frowns a bit, looking embarrassed.

"You are the first guy I have ever loved, Hisao. . I guess I'm…kind of lost on how I even proceed now that I know we love each other. I feel consumed by it. I just…want to spend every minute I can with you."

She looks around the room and fidgets in her chair, as if she's expecting someone to suddenly be listening to us.

"I also really want to BE with you too. Physically," she says as her face flushes. "I guess I am really getting swept up in this huh? I always thought that was sentimental crap in movies and books and stuff."

She looks down, embarrassed. Her lack of experience with love is something she is really self-conscious about. I guess it makes sense, but she shouldn't worry about it THIS much.

I squeeze her hand to reassure her.

"It definitely can be intense, but keep in mind I am swept up in it too. I want to come over tonight and spend time with you too. I am really excited to be with you."

She shows me one of her authentic Emi smiles, but it slips a bit when I start my next statement with the word 'but.'.

"But… I will say that…I am not sure what I am ready for just yet…physically. I am really attracted to you of course, and I want to be with you too…but it has just…been awhile… and I may need to move a little bit slow in that regard. But we'll get there, I promise. Just be patient with me okay?"

Her smile has fully returned now.

"I can be patient. I won't push you. I am just happy I have you, and I can't wait until I see you tonight."

"Thanks for understanding Emi. I am excited for tonight too."

The bell rings and we hastily gather up our things and throw away our trash.

We stand up and exchange another kiss while we head towards the door.

"Do you want me to bring anything tonight?"

"Nope! Just yourself. That's all I need." She starts to smile, and then realizes how dorky that sounded and it becomes a look of shame.

I roll my eyes a little bit at her "Wow, you really are in love if you're saying things like that."

"Shaddup! Go teach your class or whatever, jerk!" She says as she playfully shoves me out the door.