Chapter 17 (Emi POV)

As I'm laying in bed with Hisao snuggling me from behind, and reveling in the newest thing we've done in the bedroom, a stray thought pops into my head. Something that really bothers me. Something that if I bring it up, could result in us having our first real fight. I really don't want to mess things up…but like Hisao has said, sometimes you have to talk about things and have fights. It doesn't mean we're going to break up or something. I have to talk to him about this or I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep.

"Hey…why don't we ever spend time at your place? We're always here. I don't think I've even been to your apartment since we started dating have I? Not even for a second?"

The look on his face tells me this isn't something he wants to talk about, so my instincts about this were probably right.

"...well, you have a TV here, a bigger kitchen, and your bed is better."

I guess those things are true, but there's something more to it. And now I know there is because he's a terrible liar. He couldn't make eye contact when he said that, and it barely sounded like he believed his words himself. I think I know what the issue is, and if I'm right, it infuriates me that he won't just tell me. Okay Ibarazaki, approach this calmly, you can get this out of him without making him mad or upsetting him. So just be level-headed.

"Why won't you just SAY it's because of Saki?"

Those are…not the right words, or the tone of voice I should have gone with. Oh boy.

I look at his face, and now I know I'm no longer the only angry one.

He raises his volume and changes his tone to match mine. "Do we REALLY have to talk about this right now? Because if you want to, fine. We can. But I don't think you're going to like it."

Did he really just he say he doesn't think I can handle this? Now that really pisses me off. At a moment like this I'd like to get up off the bed and stand at the end of it for dramatic emphasis, but if I take the time to put my legs on that would defeat the purpose. The best I can do is dramatically throw the covers off of me and move down to the bottom of the bed and make myself as tall as I can.

"Yes, we need to talk about this now, because it's kind of starting to drive me crazy. What you just said is the fucking problem." I say clapping my hands together for emphasis.

He seems to be stunned into silence. I guess he's never seen me this angry.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I know I'm not going to magically make you stop missing Saki? I know you still love her. I know you still miss her terribly. You should. That's not the problem. The problem is that you still walk on eggshells around me about it even though I have never done anything to indicate that I don't want you to talk about her, or to make you think I'm somehow jealous or upset about how you feel about her. Do you really think so fucking little of me? Do you think I want you to hide it from me when you're sad about her? Do you think I want you to throw away all of her pictures and her music and her violin and pretend like she doesn't mean anything to you? Do you think I never want you to think of her again?! I get it Hisao, that's part of what makes us work." I sigh. "...and I thought you understood that."

He's looking at me, and his anger has mostly turned to shame. I feel a little ashamed of myself for how worked up I've gotten. I really didn't mean to yell at him like this. That was not a good move.

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself and move close enough to put my hand on his leg. "I'm…sorry, I shouldn't have handled this this way. Just…know that I know you'll always love her. I know you'll always miss her. She'll always be part of who you are. I understand all of that. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all, okay? It never, ever will. I know you love me. I don't have any doubts about that. If you aren't ready for us to spend time in your apartment because Saki's things are there, just tell me. Don't lie to me, or assume I'll somehow have my feelings hurt by the truth. Just be honest and open, like we've always been, okay?"

He's looking at me like he's holding back tears. "I'm sorry for not being honest, Emi. And you're right about almost everything. But there's one thing you didn't mention that is part of the reason for all of this. Guilt."

"Guilt? About what?"

"Well, a good portion of it is about you. I feel guilty that sometimes I'm with you and I still miss Saki and all that, which you covered – and I guess I can do better about that, now that you've given me that tongue-lashing." He half-smiles at me. "But, sometimes, I also feel guilty for…being with you. Which in turn makes me feel more guilty because it isn't fair to you that I feel guilty. It is a whole messed up cycle."

My heart drops at these words, but I try not to show it.

"You feel…guilty for being with me?"

"Well, it's like you said. I still love Saki, and I miss her. She's part of me."

"So you feel…you're cheating on her…with me?"

"I wouldn't say that. It doesn't quite feel like a full on betrayal or anything. I guess maybe it's a much smaller version of that feeling? If I'm in my living room, a place that has Saki's fingerprints all over it, I don't know if I could be truly intimate with you without feeling a tiny bit of guilt. I know that's probably messed up, but it is part of the reason we don't spend much time there. I was serious that you just have better stuff too, I think we would probably mostly be here anyway. But…you're exactly right about why we haven't gone there at all."

"Oh. Well, I guess that all makes sense."

"I hurt your feelings, didn't I?"

Apparently my efforts to conceal my feelings didn't work.

"Not really. I mean, hearing you say you felt guilty about being with me was a little hard in the moment, but once you explained everything, I think we are both talking about the same thing. You aren't ready for me to go to your apartment as your girlfriend because of Saki. And that's fine."

I get back under the covers next to him and nuzzle into his chest.

"Just tell me these things from now on, okay? You thinking I can't handle hearing this stuff is what really hurts my feelings. I know we're together now, but please just talk about Saki how you used to when we were just friends."

He starts stroking my hair. "You're really amazing, you know that?"

"Yep, I do."

"I'm serious. I guess the reason I hide some of this stuff is because it's so hard for me to believe that you're this understanding about it. I don't think most people would be this good about it. But you're right, I should have known that you would be. I'm sorry. I'll do better from now on."

"Good. Now keep stroking my hair like that until I fall asleep on your chest. This is your punishment."

He laughs, "Okay. Goodnight, Emi."