Chapter 21 (Hisao)

It's late, but I can't sleep. I'm lying wide awake and tossing and turning in my bed with only one thought in my mind: Saki's anniversary is next week. It will have been seven years.

As usual, getting close to it is making me miss her so much more than normal. I feel guilty about that even though Emi tells me not to. I've been able to feel less guilty for the most part, but with everything amplified right now, it's much harder. I wish Saki was right here in my bed with me right now. I wish I could kiss her again. Feel her body against mine again. Is it really okay if I feel this way? Is it fair to Emi?

While we've been together for awhile, there are still two fairly normal relationship things that Emi and I haven't done because I haven't been ready. First, we haven't has sex. We've done pretty much everything else under the sun, but not that most intimate act. I wasn't really sure why I was still so hesitant about it, but now with the anniversary near, I know why. It's because I like that being something special I shared with Saki, and not anyone else. I'm…afraid to give that up. Like it will somehow make it less special if I do. Is that fair to Emi?

Second, and perhaps even more ridiculously, I haven't let her set foot in my apartment since we started dating. She came here a few times when we were friends, but since she became my girlfriend I just…haven't been able to do it. I feel Saki's presence here. Her things are here. I think my guilt would be even worse than it usually is if Emi and I spent our time here. Is that fair to Emi?

She is great, though. And understanding. She knows why we haven't spent time here, and she's okay with it. She has probably also figured out why we haven't had sex yet, and she seems okay with that too. She has been remarkably patient, and never seems disappointed with what we do do.

She has problems around the anniversary of her father's death. Way worse problems than I have. I should just talk to her about all this. Tell her how hard it is right now. She wants me to talk about this kind of thing.

I can't decide whether I want to invite her to come with me to Tokyo or tell her I need some space for a while. She's so great that she would probably happily do either if she thought it would help me. Do I deserve that?

I feel tears welling up in my eyes, "I just don't know what to do," I say to no one in particular as I start to sob.

Once I've cried myself out I can think with more clarity. Emi has a right to know I'm feeling all of this. That much is clear. We're supposed to be honest with each other and not hide things. I have to tell her tomorrow.

Now I just hope I can get some sleep.

—-

It's Saturday, so there is only a half-day of classes, and they just ended. I'm walking down the hill and heading to Emi's. The run with her this morning pretty much felt like it usually does. When I'm around her I do feel better about everything. Things make more sense.

But I still need to tell her what I've been feeling. She deserves to know.

I'm at her door now. I take a deep breath and go in.

She's on the couch and gives me a big smile when I come in, and beckons me to sit with her. I do as she asks.

"Hey Hisao, happy weekend!" She kisses me on the cheek. "Everything okay?"

She must be able to tell that there's something serious I want to talk about.

I sigh. "Not really. I'm not doing well. The anniversary is next week."

"I know," she replies as she loops her arm through mine. "You've seemed a little off the last few days, but I didn't want to push you to tell me why because I know how hard anniversaries are." She looks up at me with her beautiful, determined eyes. Right now they are filled with her determination to help me. "Let me know if you want to talk about it, okay?"

How can I refuse her?

"I do want to talk about it. I need to talk about it, because you deserve to know how I feel right now. I just…I really miss her. I know you tell me not to feel bad for that, but right now it is so intense." I start tearing up. "I…want to be with her. Badly. Even right now. Even when I'm sitting here with you. I just…I don't think this is fair to you, Emi..." The tears are starting to really flow now, and she tightens her hold on my arm. "You're so amazing and understanding, and I love you. But do you really want to be with a man who misses another woman this much? Who would give anything just to kiss her again?"

She's tearing up a little now too. "Hisao, don't I get to decide what's fair to me?"

"I…guess so."

She climbs into my lap and takes my face in her hands and looks me directly in my eyes as a few tears run down her face. "I know things are hard for you right now, and I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something more to help. Anything."

She kisses me on my forehead.

"But I have no problem with you missing Saki, okay? You just said you love me and that's all that matters to me. I don't feel like you're somehow betraying me because you miss her, or because you want to kiss her or whatever else you're feeling. You can love me and miss her terribly too, long for her even. You've been doing it all along, haven't you?"

I nod.

I really don't understand how she can feel this way, I'm not sure I'd be so understanding if the situation was reversed.

"You're hurting enough right now without also dealing with guilt. So please, please don't make yourself feel guilty over me when I'm not upset with what you're feeling."

She looks away from me for a moment and takes a deep breath before locking eyes with me again and continuing.

"A-and i-if…if you're also feeling guilty right now because…you're with me, just let me know, okay? I can give you all the time and space you need.. Would that help you at all?"

I stare at her determined eyes in silence, lost in thought.

Would it help?

How can she be this understanding and willing to sacrifice her own happiness for me? I guess that's kind of the definition of love, isn't it?

She loves me so much. I love her too. From the bottom of my heart. That's really all that matters, isn't it? Like she said?

Saki would be okay with things being this way. Emi is okay with things being this way.

Saki wanted me to find love again. She wanted there to be another woman someday who would love me and make me happy just like she did. Saki would even be happy that I found that. So, I don't need to feel guilty for loving Emi.

Emi understands everything about how I feel about Saki now and she still wants to be with me. And I want to be with her. She isn't hurt by how I feel. So, I don't need to feel guilty because I miss Saki.

It's okay that I miss Saki. It's okay that I long for her. And it's okay that I'm in love with Emi.

In this moment, staring into Emi's eyes, everything has finally become clear.

"Hisao? Are you okay?"

I'm not sure how long I was thinking, but it must have been awhile based on the concerned look on Emi's face.

I put my arms around her, hug her close to me, and give her a long, sweet kiss.

When we break the kiss Emi looks equal parts dumbfounded and happy.

"Will you come with me next weekend?"

"I…y-yes, I would be very happy to. But are you sure that's what you want? Is that what you need?"

I lock eyes with her.

"Yes." I take her hand. "Thank you for being so understanding all the time. Saki would be happy that I found love again with you."

Emi can't do anything to hold back her tears now. She throws her arms around my neck and hugs me, "I hope so…I know I'm very happy that she had you for the time that she did. And happy you had her."

We both stay there for a while, crying softly and holding each other.

I think I may have finally figured this thing out.

—-

Emi and I are at Chisato and Mitsuru's house, we're about to go visit Saki's grave on the anniversary of her death. We're waiting for Mitsuru to get home from work.

The atmosphere is a little somber, but that doesn't stop Chisato from gloating as she looks at me and Emi sitting together on the couch.

"I so knew you two were going to end up together. Damn, I'm good. I basically made it happen too. Who knows how long it would have taken you two to realize you loved each other without me? Five years? Ten? Fifteen? But have either of you ever thanked me? Nooooope." She crosses her arms and glares at us playfully.

Emi looks offended, "Hey, I thanked you for helping me talk through things."

"I did too. Definitely."

Chisato rolls her eyes, "Okay fine, I guess that sort of counts."

Emi gets up and hugs Chisato, who hugs her back. "Thank you, Chisato for helping us end up together. You were right. Good job." She says it half-jokingly, but with just enough real feeling that it satisfies Chisato somewhat. Emi lets go of her and sits back down and Chisato looks at me expectantly.

"Hey, we're a couple now! Doesn't a 'thank you' from one of us count for both of us?"

Emi looks at me and gestures towards Chisato with her head. I get the hint and get up and give Chisato a hug of my own, which she welcomes.

"Thank you so much, Chisato. Emi's great, and you helped me figure that out."

"Damn right I did."

Just as we are breaking our hug, Mitsuru comes in through the front door.

"Hey everyone."

He gives Chisato a quick kiss and then hugs both me and Emi. He looks at Chisato.

"Have they thanked you yet?" We all laugh.

"Yes, she just guilt-tripped us into it just a moment ago."

He smiles knowingly. "Sounds about right. Hey, I'm going to change and then we can get going."

—-

We're in the car. We just parked at the cemetery and Chisato and Mitsuru just got out, leaving us alone in the back seat. Emi is fidgeting a little bit next to me and she grabs my hand.

"Let me know what you want me to do, okay? I'm here to support you any way you want me to. If you want me to stay here in the car I can. If you want me to come with you to the grave, I can. Whatever you want."

As usual, she doesn't want to pressure me into anything.

I smile at her, "Well, what do you want to do?"

"If it were entirely up to me?"

I nod.

"I'd go with you all to the grave, if you're okay with that."

I smile at her. "Well, let's do that, then."

We get out of the car together, I reach out for her hand and she gives it to me, and we walk to Saki's grave with Chisato and Mitsuru.

When we get to the grave, I let go of her hand and give her a hug, while the rest of us approach her grave and kneel in front of it.

I feel sad and I miss Saki terribly. I wish she was still here with me. But I think she would say 7 years is more than enough of "an appropriate mourning period."

She knew Emi, but I still wish there was some way where the two of them could meet today. I have been loved by two incredible women, and I think just like Emi is happy that I had Saki when I did, Saki would be pleased that I have Emi now.

As usual, Chisato and Mitsuru return to the car before I do. Emi stays behind with me, still standing behind me away from the grave as I continue to weep. I can hear her sniffling behind me.

I turn to her, "Would you like to come up to the grave?"

"I-if that's okay with you."

I smile. "I just invited you, silly. Come here." I pat the ground next to me.

She smiles back and comes and sits next to me, with her head bowed, a few tears falling down her cheeks. This reminds me of when I visited her father's grave with her. It was sort of nice to think of that as a way for the two of us to meet. It's nice to think of this that way too.

Eventually I stand up and offer her my hand, which she takes, and we start the walk back to the car.

"Thanks for bringing me, Hisao. It means a lot to me that you wanted this."

I squeeze her hand, "You don't have to thank me for that. Thank you for coming and supporting me."

—-

As is tradition, we picked up some take out from Saki's favorite restaurant and now we're back at Chisato and Mitsuru's telling stories about her. Emi can't contribute much of course, but she listens intently and laughs and cries at the same times as the rest of us. She has probably heard enough about her at this point that it almost is like she knew her as more than a casual friend in high school.

As things are starting to slow down, she speaks up.

"Um…w-would it be okay if I said something?" She says somewhat uncomfortably.

"Of course," the three of us say in perfect unison. We look at one another, realizing how creepy that was and Emi laughs.

"Thanks, you guys."

She stands up and looks at all of us, and her lip is trembling as she tries to get the words out, "I…I know I didn't r-really know Saki that well, even though I saw her a lot in school. I..didn't really know anyone well back then, and I m-missed out b-because of i-it. B-but everything I've learned about her both t-tonight and before…she r-really w-was an a-a-mazing, b-beautiful person. And S-so s-s-trong. I'm gl-glad a-all of y-you h-have s-such a-amazing m-memories of h-her. I'm s-so h-happy y-you a-all knew her. I just…I w-wish I had known her b-better."

Once she gets the words out, she sits down and cries quietly. I'm tearing up too, and I look at Mitsuru and Chisato, who don't have dry eyes either. I go over to Emi and take her in my arms, "I wish you'd really known her too. But you kind of do, through us, you know? Just like I feel like I kind of know your dad." Emi nods and hugs me tightly.

Once we've all calmed down a bit Chisato speaks up, "She would've liked you, you know. I mean, she did like you back in the day. But if you had gotten to know her, I think you would have been good friends. To be honest, the two of you have some similarities, other than your taste in men," we all laugh as she gestures towards me.

"Really?" Emi says with a surprised look on her face.

I'm a little surprised too.

"Yeah, your sense of humor reminds me a bit of her, but it's how determined both of you are that is your biggest similarity."

I hadn't really thought about their determination as a shared trait, but she's right. I guess it makes sense that I would love two people who have so much of it.

Chisato really has become wise, hasn't she?

I can't ever tell her I thought that.

I listen intently to what she has to say next.

"You both looked at your disability and how it was going to affect you and sort of said 'to hell with it.' Hers was going to shorten her life, so what did she do? She became an award winning composer with the time she had. She was determined not to let ataxia keep her from doing great things, and it didn't. She did more in her 28 years than most people do in their lifetime. And you, well you lost your legs, and what did you do? You became the Fastest Thing on No Legs. And hell, you were faster than everyone at Yamaku with legs too. You were determined not to let it keep you from being great, from doing what you wanted to do and excelling at it, even if the odds were against you. And I think that's part of what makes you both wonderful people."

Emi smiles, "Thank you for saying that." Probably trying to prevent herself from tearing up for the hundredth time tonight she decides to crack a joke, "I guess Hisao is really into funny, determined women, huh?"

This gets a laugh from everyone at the table.

I smile at her and hold her hand, "I was just thinking the same thing."