NOTE

Warning for sexual content.

58. The Order

Radiant sunshine fell over the meadows and woods which surrounded the Burrow. A swift and sweeping breeze carried sounds of laughter and hearty conversation from the open windows. I took a deep breath to reset my mind after the strain of the apparation, and stood waiting for Severus.

It had taken much convincing before he'd agreed to come, and now as I waited for him to appear in the meadow beside me I began to doubt whether he would keep his promise. A few seconds passed, but the air where he should have materialised remained empty.

"Come on," I urged under my breath.

But there was no change.

I counted to ten. Then, disappointed but not overly surprised, I walked alone across the meadow towards the front door.

The sitting room was crowded with people. Neville and Luna had come down from Hogwarts. George, Ron and Hermione had come up from London. Bill and Fleur were there, Fleur largely pregnant, and I was surprised to see Arabella Figg sitting next to Harry and Ginny. Of course there was Arthur as well.

There were waves and greetings as my arrival was noticed, and I quickly went back to the kitchen for a glass of water, fending off my mounting annoyance. He'd said he would follow just behind me. He'd been standing right there. Oh, well. Part of me hadn't completely believed him when he'd agreed, anyway.

"Wilma!" Molly was coming through the door from the garden, carrying Teddy.

I felt my heart light up with happiness at the sight of the boy. His hair turned the vibrant yellow it often did when he saw me, and he made a distinct sound of joy, which sounded very close to a name. There were, at least, two syllables. I took him into my arms and hugged him.

"How has he been?" I asked her.

"He's doing very well here. Loves the garden. He's a bit lonely, but soon he'll have Fleur's little one for company." Molly smiled, and I stroked Teddy's hair, which was changing back to blue. "Is Severus coming?"

"I don't think so. He said he would, but he didn't apparate."

"Oh, shame," Molly said. "Well, that's alright dear, it just means you'll have to do more talking!"

She set about making tea for everyone and preparing the table for the meeting, and I wandered out into the fresh air with Teddy. I couldn't help my resentment. Part of my argument to convince Severus to attend was that the pair of us had been the first to see Andromeda after the attack. His insight would be important, and I could speak to his attempts at legilimency, but only so far. I was upset at him for leaving it all to me, but allowed myself to be distracted as everyone slowly filtered into the kitchen and took their seats around the table. I secured Teddy in his crib in the other room, leaving him with a few conjured butterflies to entertain him, and then returned to the kitchen.

Only when we were all seated could our losses be properly seen. Though I had never before sat at the table during a proper meeting of the Order, I understood how small our numbers were. Tonks was gone. Sirius, Mad-Eye, Fred… Remus, of course... There was a deep silence among some of the others, Harry in particular, and I knew they were making the same observations.

A knock on the door punctured the half-silence, and Molly rose to get it. I sat up very straight in my chair and looked after her.

"Oh, Severus," her voice drifted from the entryway. "Thank you for coming."

I looked down at the table, my anger rearing up again. His late appearance was almost worse than no appearance at all. Why had he delayed? Had the prospect of arriving with me been so mortifying? I felt Ron's eyes and glanced up at him to see a hidden smirk on his face. I shot him a glare and crossed my arms, barely managing to compose my face before Molly returned, Severus following behind her.

One look at the darkness of his eyes, and I knew not to expect any warmth from him while we were here. He deliberately kept himself from looking my way as he took an empty chair near Arthur, who sat at the head of the table.

"Well," Arthur said. "Now we're all here…"

The meeting proceeded as I'd expected it to. The topic of the beings was introduced, and Molly posed the question of Andromeda. I kept myself quiet, giving Severus silent permission to take the lead in explaining what had happened from the beginning. I interjected whenever there was a gap in the narrative. He never interrupted me when I spoke, and waited until I'd finished before continuing. But he still kept from looking my way. I managed to retain my calm exterior, but I was seething underneath.

Harry asked if there were any further theories about what the beings actually were. The Ministry had acknowledged them in the Prophet, but Arthur said there had been no real investigation.

"Early on," I said, "Remus thought they were a kind of boggart, but in reverse. It shows you what you desire rather than what you fear."

I had mentioned Remus with a bit of spiteful intention, and Severus took the bait.

"A vague hypothesis," he intoned, "which fails to explain why Andromeda was left in the state she was."

Bitterness flooded me. At least look at me. Just fucking look at me. But he did not.

I wanted to prod him further, but kept my mouth shut. This table was no place to have an argument. "But it is a fair enough theory, Severus," Arthur began…

I let the conversation carry on without me, and didn't speak any more. I was only half-listening as Severus explained his efforts to witness the attack through legilimency. Hermione promised to continue the research that Remus and I had started. Arthur said he would attempt to encourage Shacklebolt to respond more actively to the threat. Fleur had to leave the table quite frequently to use the loo. I rose only once, to check on Teddy.

By the time the meeting was over, we had lit candles in the room to combat the darkness of evening. The sky outside was a deep blue, and the wind had kicked up slightly, whispering against the glass of the windows. The yellow flames wavered slightly as everyone stood and began to help Molly set out dinner.

Severus attempted to slip away unnoticed, but I pursued him into the meadow through the front door. Clouds dotted the sky like thick white paint, and the trees hissed softly from the wind.

"Will you talk to me?" I called, stopping him before he could apparate. "Will you tell me… Why?"

He turned with a hard look on his face. I'd been wishing for eye contact for hours, but now that I had it, I hated it. "Finish the question."

I felt the tension in my belly and throat, but forced myself to speak. "Why are you being so difficult? This doesn't have to be so hard."

An expression of deepest impatience entered his face. "This?"

"Oh, shut it, Severus, stop pretending. You're driving me mad."

He considered me for a second, seeming to evaluate the extent of my madness. "I see," he said. He began to walk away.

I raked my hands through my hair, and tried a different approach. "I'm not angry at you," I said, even though it wasn't entirely truthful. "Will you stay and eat with everyone? Please?"

"Why would I want to do that."

"They're my family. They can be yours, if you just try."

His face was expressionless as he turned and began to walk away again. I knew I shouldn't have expected anything different. He could barely show me his better half. I had been naive to think he might risk it with people he was less close to.

"Fine," I said. "Do what you want. I don't give a fuck. But don't apparate. Just use the fire–"

He wheeled around and took a few threatening steps towards me. "Stop," he demanded.

I stared at him, so furious at his inability to let go of this awful facade. My understanding of why he wore it didn't make me hate it any less.

"I'm trying to help you," I urged. "Just come back inside."

But my efforts only earned a scowl, and that wincing look he so often used to conceal his true response. If I stayed with him a moment longer I was going to start crying, and that I refused to do.

I shook my head and threw up my hands, and turned back to the house without another word. The sound of his apparation was quick and sharp behind me.

Once inside the house, I shut the front door and locked it roughly. My breath was heavy from anger, and I pressed my forehead into the door. It was a moment before I realised I was not alone. Luna was standing by the bottle glass window, considering me in her calm way.

"I saw that," she observed. "You don't seem to understand each other."

"Right," I said, with a huff.

Luna looked through the window at the place where Severus had disapparated, as though she could still see his aura lingering in the air. "Well… He seems afraid, doesn't he?"

"I understand that, but I don't know how to help him."

"Perhaps only time will take care of it," Luna considered. She looked at me with a small smile and clear, earnest eyes. "I apologise for watching. It was difficult to resist."

I crossed my arms and looked out the window at the long waving grasses. Luna wore a wistful look when she next spoke. "I don't think I've ever seen him pay such close attention to someone without looking at them. Oh, that smells good…"

She wandered away, following the scent of dinner.

For a minute I lingered by the door alone.

If it weren't for the law, we'd have never come together. I knew that, and had known it from the moment he'd proposed. I also knew that, though had told me in vulnerable honesty that he loved me, our union had come before he was ready to show it.

I wanted to give him time, and knew in the depths of myself that I would. But I didn't know how much time he would need, or exactly what his version of ready would look like. Luna's advice was wise, but I was losing patience. It was difficult to sit back and let time take care of things, without emotionally detaching. And I was sick of being heartsick.

I spent the night at the Burrow and returned the next day to Hogwarts by floo. Severus and I were apart most of the time, as I took to working more diligently on my lesson plans, and from the journals he poured over even at mealtimes, I figured he was doing the same.

It made me feel tense to be so far from him, interacting so rarely, but if we couldn't be warm to each other, I supposed it was better to distance ourselves. My constant changing of strategies made this feel like a war–which it shouldn't have been. But I'd taken Luna's thoughts into myself, and decided that I would do my best to hold my patience. To wait.

The most we saw of each other was in the great hall. I took to sitting with Luna and Neville, while Severus continued sitting with Minerva, Sybill and Flitwick. I often caught him looking my way, and when he did I let myself smile.

The white daytime moon hung nearly full in the sky over the forest and Hagrid's cabin. I'd been helping him with gardening and caring for the wolves, and today he'd gone into the forest, leaving me in pleasant solitude. The hot sun was alleviated by a hard wind which rushed down from the mountains. I had the honour of planting the seeds which, come autumn, would become the pumpkins that would be used in the great hall and for pies at Halloween. The rows were neat and the seeds evenly placed, and I softly pressed the earth back into place when I was finished.

My hands were aching a bit from the work, and I looked up, wiping sweat from my forehead with my forearm, when I saw the dark spot of Severus coming down the hill from the castle. I wondered what he was coming for, and rinsed my hands and face in the basin of cool rainwater which sat in the shade under Hagrid's kitchen window.

The little wolf caught sight of Severus once he'd grown closer, and his appearance prompted much yapping. Afraid that the pup would run at him, I picked it up from the front step and held its soft fur against my collarbones.

"Where's Hagrid?" Severus asked, when he was close enough to be heard.

"In the forest," I said. "Don't know when he's coming back... Why?" I ventured.

To my surprise, he answered. "I need to procure a certain creature for a lesson."

"Sounds exciting," I said. "What creature?"

"Doxies."

"I'm sure you could ask Luna," I suggested. "She loves them. She's probably got her eye on an infestation already." But of course the thought of Severus asking harebrained Miss Lovegood for any sort of assistance was laughable. "I'll speak to her later," I offered.

"Thank you," he said.

Now was the proper moment for him to leave and make his way back up to the castle, but there was a moment of hesitation. The little wolf was scrambling to get down, and I allowed it, unable to hold on tightly enough. It yipped happily and circled Severus before pawing at his black trousers.

I was about to call it back to me, worried that Severus would not take kindly to the little animal, but he unexpectedly knelt down to the grass and offered his hand for the sniffing. I was reminded of how he had knelt to buckle my shoes in London. The wolf yipped again, and nuzzled Severus's hand.

I was speechless.

"Has he named them?" Severus asked.

"No," I said, forcing myself to regain the powers of speech. "That's just 'the little one.'"

Severus stroked the wolf's tail, and then stood up again, shaking the grey hairs from his hand. I couldn't read his expression.

There was another tense moment, as there had been before.

"I'll be going," he said.

But I went to him as he was turning, and took hold of his arm, looking up at him.

In a moment we were embracing, and I sighed in relief as our lips touched tentatively, then pressed more fervently together. He held my body tight, his hands stretching across my back, and I let my fingers trace through his hair, which I knew he enjoyed. Between us was a surprisingly passionate warmth.

The little wolf whimpered and howled in complaint, and its footsteps could be faintly heard running towards the garden and its mother.

I felt my desire to be with him mounting alongside the wind, and remembered that today was, conveniently, the first day of my fertile window. I blushed at my own naivete as I realised Severus had likely already thought of this. Of course procuring Doxies for a lesson when the start of term was still two months away had not been his real purpose for coming down to Hagrid's.

I drew away just enough to whisper against his lips. "Now?"

His hand lowered, stroking my hip, and I trembled against him. "Yes."

His room was cool and dark. The bedsheets were still tousled from his sleep the night before, two notebooks on his bedside table. I opened the curtains and unlatched the window to let the calming breeze inside. Looking out at the view of the hills, the forest, and Hagrid's cabin and garden, it dawned on me that he must have watched me working from here. For how long?

I turned to look at him, appreciation flooding me. I did love him, however complicated and aggravating he had proved to be. His black hair stirred in the fresh air, and his dark brown eyes watched me as I approached. Feeling my heartbeat, I lifted my hands to touch the black fabric over his chest. He was holding his breath.

This would be the first time I had taken off his robes. Usually he would open his door already wearing a dressing gown, and he had undressed himself that time at the cottage. I was not ignorant of the fact, as my fingertips moved to the top button, that there was something most intimate about the act. These dark clothes were the trappings he used to maintain his intimidating air. And he was allowing me to touch them and remove them without protest.

"These buttons," I said with a soft laugh, when I was halfway down.

His silence itself was a response. I could feel the caution of his breathing, his eyes watching my lowered head. Finally I pulled the fabric off his shoulders, leaving him in his white shirt. Such clothes weren't to be left on the floor, and I placed the black silk on the foot of the bed. I took off his shirt, getting on my tiptoes to help it over his head; and then, slowly, his trousers.

I felt myself flush, as much at the trust he'd placed in me by allowing me to undress him, as at the sight of his body. I carried his clothes to the chair by the bed, and laid them carefully over the back.

The air was full of silent electricity. I half-turned to him, and began to take off my own clothes. I began with my trousers–the knees damp from the garden–and my knickers, gently kicking them behind me. The light from the window caught Severus's eye and turned it a stunning amber. My heart palpitated, and I lifted my shirt over my head, letting it fall on top of my other clothes.

He came to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind, one hand caressing my belly. I let my head fall back against his shoulder, my lips parting to let forth a sigh of contentment. The contact of his hands after so much time was wonderful.

"Your skin is like velvet," he murmured.

One hand lowered, his fingers slowly finding and pressing my nub, and his other hand went to my breast.

My breath stuttered as his fingers moved, my mouth going dry. "That feels really good," I whispered.

He moved me gently towards the bed, and followed me when I crawled up onto the mess of white sheets. He lowered his mouth and tasted my skin; the sweat, the earth. I slowed my breathing, feeling the soft wind flowing in through the window, carrying the warmth of the sun. I wanted to savour this. We hadn't had sex in weeks.

I lifted my knees against his sides and he pushed me gently forward, his palms ghosting over my hardened breasts. I began to throb between my legs, and the soft wind made me feel the coolness of my centre, wanting his touch. He pressed his lips gently to mine, rubbing them softly as his palms and then his thumbs worked at my nipples. I shifted restlessly underneath him, sensing the masculine power of his body, immensely aroused by how tender he was being.

His hand slipped down between my legs again, and he kneaded me slowly and generously. Soon I was panting deeply, the movements of his fingers causing a soft wet sound. My mouth was open and he traced my lips with his tongue, groaning with me as I arched my back as much as I could, gasping and grasping at his back. My nipples brushed against his chest and I jolted, feeling myself creeping close to the edge. His fingers sped up as he sensed my growing delirium. "Stop!" I gasped.

He did so at once, his slick fingers resting on my heaving belly. Panic clouded his eyes. I was sweating and trembling, but managed to lift my weakened hand to his face, reassuring him. "Too soon," I explained breathlessly. "I'm okay."

I nudged his hip with my knee and he turned over obligingly, allowing me to hover over him. My hips were aching and my heart was pounding. I coaxed my body down from its heat, breathing in the coolness of the wind.

"You scared me," he scolded gently.

There was a vulnerability in him, lying there, watching me. I put my fingertips against his lips, and felt full of a new kind of desire. I was going to explore his whole body with my hands and my mouth. Finally I knew I was able to meet him in grace and gentleness and power; in all that he had given to me on our first night.

I sat back on his thighs and brought his fingers to my mouth, kissing and tasting them. I savoured the small responses his eyes betrayed, though I could tell he was trying to keep his composure. My lips trailed down his forearm, my tongue occasionally teasing his skin. I reached his collarbone and then the centre of his chest, running my hands over his sides as I kissed him, making my way downward. I came to his swollen member and let my breath ghost over it. My lips very gently touched the tip, and Severus's hips gave a jolt of anticipation. His strained groan made me eager, but I knew to be careful, and went no further with my mouth. My hands whispered down his thighs and up again, and I crept upwards again, nipping softly at his skin.

His hands ran down my sides and held my hips, bringing me up to him urgently. "Please," he said, his voice hoarse.

I buried my fingers in his hair and slowly slipped myself over his length. A low shout of pleasure tore through him as he penetrated deeply into me. I was startled and pleased, and rolled my hips, whimpering as the feeling of him stretching me made my own desire return in force. With each grind of my hips we both moaned. He was shaking. I was only on top for a few seconds before he wrapped his arms around me and rolled us over.

In his passion was a hint of that reckless desire he'd demonstrated last month–but now it was controlled properly, and extremely pleasant for me. His thrusts were deliberate, with no certain rhythm, leaving me to watch his eyes in anticipation. My thighs trembled as I spread them as wide as I could, wanting more, more, more!

Understanding my body's message, he grew faster, each delicious stroke of him making me feel like I was seconds from orgasm. I opened my mouth to the breeze, desperate to drink in some of its coolness. Severus's hands went to my knees and manipulated them, pushing my legs up so my calves trembled against his shoulders. He slid even deeper and I keened.

In sweet restlessness my hot hands went over my head to twist the bedsheets. Severus's deep groans filled my mouth as he reached between my legs and touched me, drawing back and pushing forward with delicious steadiness. I broke away from his lips with an unbridled cry, my legs shuddering as I drowned in pleasure. I groaned uncontrollably as he rocked me, his fingers as quick and hot as flames. My voice broke into high pitched cries, and my whole body spasmed as I came with a shout. "Severus!"

I lost myself, deliriously repeating his name as he came with a hard thrust. "Fuck!" His primal groan pierced through my core and I cried out, on the verge of sobs, pulling him further into me, desperate to continue feeling him.

Despite his shaking, he continued touching my centre; long strokes against my nub, making me tremble and prolonging my pleasure. I had a second orgasm from his touches and the sensation of him pulsing inside of me. "Oh…" I moaned weakly, my body shivering against his. "Oh…"

He helped my quivering legs down from his shoulders and sank gently on top of me. I kept him there inside of me, with the little strength that remained in my body. He breathed heavily into the sheets beside my head for a few moments, and then kissed my ear, my temple, my forehead. A glowing sensation entered me as he held me tight and rolled over, pulling me on top of him.

I rested there, his heart thundering against my ear, my own heart still pounding in my womb, my mind thoroughly melted.

The wind quickened momentarily and kissed our bodies with its breath.

My lower back was aching a bit from the intensity of the position, and Severus seemed to sense it. His hands found the ache and massaged it gently away.

"Wow," I whispered, once I was able.

A soft, low hum vibrated in his chest.

"Indeed."

The full moon passed, July began, and the days grew very warm.

Without Andromeda or Teddy to supervise, I felt quite empty-handed. Over the course of the month, I frequently went down to the Burrow to visit Teddy, and Severus and I would go to St. Mungo's together to see Andromeda. She was still completely unresponsive, and her state of unconsciousness had begun to take a toll on her body. Severus always left these sessions in a terrible mood, having failed yet again to successfully penetrate the barricade that the being had formed around her memory of the attack. I grew to hate our visits to London as well, for whenever we were there I imagined I saw Remus at least once. Rounding a corner. Sitting with his back to me, reading a book on a bench. The impression of his face in the window of a passing bus. It was as though these imaginary sightings were punishment for continuing to take the dreamless sleep. I preferred these little flashes of him in waking life than the awful nightmares of his death. But they were still torturous.

Meanwhile, the stress of the impending school year was also beginning to take its toll.

"We need to go to the cottage," I said, as we walked through the oppressive heat of London in the third week of the month. I'd just torn my scorn-filled eyes away from a man in a grey cardigan who, upon closer examination, looked nothing at all like Remus. Why was he even wearing a grey cardigan at this time of year? To Hell with him.

Severus agreed.

He brought his notebooks to the cottage so he could continue doing his work. "That defeats the purpose," I remarked.

"If I don't have them I'll run mad," he countered.

I didn't argue. I could certainly understand that.

Severus sat at the writing desk by the open window which faced the orchard, while I knelt in the garden, clearing it and tugging up little weeds, reconnecting to the earth. I had mixed feelings about the garden. It reminded me so much of the garden at the Burrow, and that association made me think about the future. What would this place mean to me in five years? Ten? It still felt too early in my life for anything that existed now to last that long. But the marriage law had changed things.

Ten years.

Would Severus and I live here together? Would there be a child?

My thoughts brought me to stillness, and soon I was silently crying. I carefully left the garden and walked around the side of the cottage to the shade of the old oak tree for some privacy.

It was unplanned, the patronus. I'd already sent my monthly one after the full moon, carrying the usual message. But my wand complied with the desires of my heart, and there floated my raven, awaiting my words.

They poured out, beyond my control. "I'm really angry at you," I said, my voice quiet and strangled. "I don't understand why you won't talk to me. Even if you don't care for me anymore, at least… Trust that you will always have me. Even if all you want is my friendship."

The words were bitter, but there was no taking them back. The raven cawed quietly and then faded away.

It dawned on me, as I dried my eyes, that I had been with Severus now for longer than I had been with Remus. How, then, was it right that I still loved Remus just as much as I had when we were together? Every thought of him brought not only pain at his absence, but also guilt that my emotions remained so strong.

I went inside and busied myself making lunch. Severus paused his work and helped. When we were through I tried a few of Molly's handy household spells to do the washing up, but ended up with a broken plate. My first wand would have performed these spells without any qualms. But, remembering how Ollivander had introduced this wand to me, I figured it perhaps found household spells beneath it.

A stone seemed to sink into the pit of my stomach as I drew a line between the stubbornness of the wand and the stubbornness of my own heart. It was likely the sheer spiteful force with which I tried the spell again that made my wand give in. The dishes began scrubbing themselves over the sink.

Severus drew me into a kiss, and then went back to his work. I carried a chair out into the orchard and sat there in the thin shade, finally starting The Iliad. I read ravenously as the sun sank towards the forested hills. I read not to escape, but to understand.

The first few chapters went through me without leaving much of an impression. But Helen I found sympathetic. It would not be easy to be in her position, I thought. Manipulated by the goddess of love, watching a war raging because of you, seen by men as the radiance of women.

I remembered the expression on Severus's face when I'd first held the book. How important it had seemed to him. The breeze making the pages flutter, I turned back to the title page where, in the upper corner, he'd written his name many years ago.

I understood, staring into the middle distance, that Severus cared so deeply about the book because he saw the lovely Helen as Lily. A woman worth fighting a long and bloody war for. A woman worth the daily risk of death.

The Iliad was the story of Severus's heart, just as The Odyssey was the story of Remus's.

Following this revelation, my gaze returned to the printed words. I read much more closely and carefully, the dappled light swimming across the ageing pages.

NOTE

Helen as 'the radiance of women' comes from the Robert Fagles translation of The Iliad. Though it's certainly too recent to be the translation Severus owns, it resonated with his opinion of Lily too well to leave out.

I would delight, as always, in hearing your thoughts! Reviews really do bring me joy!