Summary: SSHG, AU, Harry and Ron mean to rescue Hermione from the clutches of Snape, but not all is what it seems.

Beta Love: Dragon and the Rose, Dutchgirl01

A/N: Written for the 31 Days of SSHG Flash Fiction Event

Prompt: (something about green yarn and malachite)

Probable Cause

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

"I'm not sure what you want, Potter," Snape said with a curled lip, "but I assure you that Granger is not chained to the desk and slaving away for my business."

"So, she is here!" Ron blurted, barging into the residence.

"Unwise," Snape said with utter dispassion.

"'Mione! 'MIONE! Where ARE you!" Ron bellowed.

Snape glowered at Potter. "Is this how Aurors respect citizens of the Wizarding World?"

Harry grit his teeth. "He has the right to see his fiancée."

"And why in Merlin's festering toe fungus do you think his fiancée would be in my home?"

"We know 'Mione is here," Harry repeated.

"And that gives you the right to barge into my home?" Snape hissed. He sneered at Harry. "And it's HERmione," he added, emphasising the name, "lives here. It's only logical that she would be here at least some of the time."

"Not letting her leave doesn't qualify as her living here," Potter jabbed.

"You think so little of her that you believe she'd allow herself to be chained here against her will?"

Harry managed to look somewhat uncomfortable—if uncomfortable and looking constipated were the same.

"Do you know your friend at all, or is the only reason you're missing her because she's not there to do your work for you?"

Harry's face went a furious red as he aimed his wand at Snape's face.

Snape stepped closer so the tip dug into his cheek. "Go ahead, Potter, prove to me what a coward you are by attacking an unarmed man."

Harry's arm trembled, though whether it was about inner conflict or eagerness to curse the man remained to be seen. Before he could act, however, a spell came zinging to nail Snape square in the back.

Snape groaned, crumpling to the floor as Ron emerged from the shadows looking exceedingly pleased with himself.

"You okay, mate?" Ron asked, smirking. "I couldn't find 'Mione. I think the bloody git hid her somewhere."

Snape spat blood on the ground before slowly standing up. "You two are the gods' own fools," he scoffed. "Attacking an unarmed person. Breaking and entering a private residence. No warrant. Casting Unforgivables. What makes you think you're just going to toddle off without justice being dispensed?"

"Justice?" Ron blurted disbelievingly. "Pull the other one. You're a fine one to talk, you're a bloody Death Eater!"

"In case you didn't get the memo, Mr Weasley, I was absolved of my part in the war by Albus Dumbledore's confession and your best mate's heartfelt proclamation in the Dark Lord's face. Or is it simply that you're stupid? As I understand it, most purebloods seem to have problems with reading, writing, and basic maths."

Harry scowled as Ron turned a colour that made his hair stand out as if radioactive. Ron's wand flashed and Snape immediately vomited up a giant slug.

"He's not going to tell us where Hermione is if he's throwing up slugs, Ron!" Harry hissed.

"He will if he vomits up enough of them!" Ron yelled.

A small serpent raised its head from the rose bushes and made a chirring sound.

Ron pointed his wand at it, too.

A mane of colourful feathers fanned out from its head and it made a rattling sound.

Ron cast a spell at it, and it screeched and disappeared into the bush.

"Come on, 'arry," Ron whinged. "We need to find 'Mione so the Goblins'll release the vault Dumbledore meant for us, yeah?"

"I thought you wanted to rescue your fiancée !" Harry accused.

"Well, yeah," Ron snorted. "They kinda go together! We get married like Dumbledore wanted, and we get that cottage in Mould-on-the-Wold to fill with kids and loads of galleons besides, what's wrong with 'at?"

"Don't you think you should ask 'ermione if she even wants kids?" Harry asked.

"Wot? She's a witch. Of course she wants kids! And we'll have at least seven for a proper Weasley Quidditch team!"

Another serpent poked its head out of the rose bush, joined by another. They flared their feathered crests, rattling together.

Ron turned as one serpent spat a sticky glob of venom into his face with the other setting it on fire.

He staggered to the fountain to wash it off, but when the water hit the venom, it started boiling.

Ron screamed, running toward the house, but since he'd been blinded, he slammed face first into the wall—

Only the flaming venom dissolved the wall, and Ron just kept right on running, limping, staggering, and screaming his way through each wall. As the Ron-shaped holes in the wall sizzled and smoked like a cranky old dragon, Harry's lips pursed into a flat line.

He offered his hand to Snape as he cast a series of Auror-grade spells on him, and the older wizard soon stopped hurling slugs. The Nifflers that were eating said slugs seemed rather put out that their buffet was gone.

"You get enough to charge him, Savage?" Harry said, seemingly to no one in particular.

"Aye," said a voice as a stern-looking man emerged from the hedge. He had a feathered serpent in his hair, trying its best to form a comfy nest using his hair, twigs, various shiny things, and spider silk.

Savage sighed as the serpent squeaked cutely, tongue flicking at him. "I don't get paid enough for this rubbish."

The serpent on his head was joined by another, and they proceeded to canoodle together atop Savage's messy hair nest.

Harry snickered as he cast a few spells to put the much-abused walls to rights. "Had a feeling Ron was up to something after Molly was caught gossipping about his inheritance from Dumbledore during that last dinner at Grimmauld. I couldn't investigate it alone without accusations of being too close to the situation. I'm sorry you had to go through that, though," Harry said apologetically. "You still fling some right nasty insults, though. I felt like I was eleven again."

Severus shrugged. "Old habits."

There was a soft pop as Hermione arrived, her arms loaded with groceries. She eyed the trail of devastation running through her back garden and frowned. "Having an early afternoon bender, love?" she asked Severus.

"There was a bit of a disagreement," Severus said, deadpan. "The mini-quetzalcoatls took care of it, though."

"They are so moody right now that it's nesting season," Hermione said with a sigh.

"Tell me about it," Savage grumped as the serpents nestled on his head.

"Auror Savage, I didn't—" Hermione raised an eyebrow. "What on earth is going on?" She looked from Savage to Harry and Severus.

"A certain Weasel attempted to use you as his vault key to inherit a cottage, land, and money by rescuing you from my clutches and marrying you himself."

"But—we're already married," Hermione said, bemused.

"Yes, well, Weasley didn't do his research, did he?" Severus replied, shrugging. "Not that it surprises me. If he had, he'd have found that we'd already satisfied Dumbledore's little inheritance clause."

"He didn't realise we were living in Dumbledore's family home?" Hermione asked. "How could he miss those hideous red tasselled lampshades?"

"Good news," Severus crooned. "The Weasel is now wearing them on his head and was running off that way—somewhere." He gestured as to the circumference of their land. "And he was on fire."

"Thank Merlin," Hermione huffed as she set the groceries down and summoned the lemonade and glasses for their guests. "The whole 'you cannot remove original furniture from the entryway' clause was driving me mental."

"We cannot," Severus said. "But it didn't say someone else couldn't." He stared at Harry.

Harry, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, slumped. "What do you need removed?"

"How about everything that looks like it came from a Latin bordello," Severus snorted.

Harry, who was sipping his lemonade, spat out a mouthful and choked. "What?"

"Feel free to go and have a good look around. Dumbledore family sentimentality—for truly horrible decor."

Harry walked into the house and came back out after a few minutes. "What's with the pile of green yarn?"

"I was trying to cover up those gaudy lampshades with something else," Hermione admitted. "I never thought I'd be knitting cosies for all my lamps. I had to stop though. The mini-quetzalcoatls stole all the green things from the house. They even nicked the malachite paperweight off my desk."

Savage grasped the hunk of malachite that had fallen on his nose. "Found that, ma'am."

"Bless you, Auror Savage," Hermione said. "That was my enchantment focus for Minerva's arthritis."

"Anytime," Savage said, seemingly resigned to being a human nesting support structure.

"Well, you both might as well come in for dinner," Hermione said. "The flames won't go out until the quetzalcoatls finish their nest, and the venom makes you untraceable until it wears off."

Harry and Savage exchanged glances. "How can we resist such logic?"

Severus refilled their lemonades. "You don't."

1500 Limit strikes again!

Blame 31 Days of SSHG Flash Fiction Event LOL!