CHAPTER 33

AN: We have deep introspection from Oz, Finn, and Steph in this chapter. These are deeply flawed characters. Leave a review and let me know what you think.

DAY 65

Tuesday

STEPH POV

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. I kept thinking about Charlie. Was he cold? Hungry? Sick? I had been all of those things in the cellar. I couldn't get the boy out of my head, so I got up to have another look at the file. I went over everything again, piece by piece. It wasn't enough. I needed to see it all laid out in front of me. With a roll of tape, I went into the sunroom. When I was done taping the file pages and pictures to every window, the sun lit the sky.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" Oz came up behind me, and I jumped, then accepted the coffee he offered.

"A little," I confessed as I did another lap around the room, studying each page up close and then at a distance. "The answer's here. I can feel it."

Oz was making his way around the room but with less optimism. He didn't understand my process. Hell, neither did I. I'd had an overwhelming need to surround myself with all the information and stand back. Like, maybe the details weren't as important as the bigger picture. Whatever that was.

"I've studied that file backward and forward and found nothing," he said.

"Do you remember my Spidey sense?" I asked, and he nodded. "Well, it's humming. That's about all I can tell you right now."

"That's good enough for me. Can I do anything to help?"

"No," I said distractedly and then thought of something. "Wait! You can make your granny's biscuits and gravy. If you want."

"Gotta keep the talent fed." He went to cook breakfast while I stared at the paper-covered windows.

OZ POV

Stephanie pulled herself away from the case to complete her daily training, but as soon as Finn called it a day, she was back in the sunroom, staring at all the information. Honestly, I was a little worried about her. After dinner, Finn convinced her to take the kayak out while it was still daylight. I kicked back on the deck and watched her paddling across the lake with Maggie perched in front of her. Finn sat beside me in comfortable silence. It was the kind of quiet that caused introspection. Finally, I said what was on my mind. "I hope you know what you're doing?"

"Don't I always?" Finn let out a heavy sigh. "You didn't have to come all the way up here to deliver her alternate identity papers. You could've mailed them."

So that was how he was going to play it. Pretend he didn't know I had a legitimate reason for worrying about him getting too attached to Stephanie. "I wanted to see this woman you're helping." As usual, Finn was closed-mouthed. "I know you, my friend. I hope you're not falling in love with that girl."

"When did you turn into a busybody?"

He didn't punch or even curse me, so I figured I hadn't made him mad enough… yet. "Don't get me wrong. I see the attraction. She's one of a kind, that's for sure. But she has a whole other life, and I don't want to see you get hurt when she leaves."

Finn pounded his chest. "This thing? It's a cold, hard slab. It's dead, man."

The funny thing is, he thought it was true. He considered himself a hardass but was more fragile than he realized. Several minutes went by without either of us speaking. We were the types who said what we needed and were comfortable in our silence the rest of the time. But I knew my friend, and something was bothering him. "Spit it out. I know something's on your mind."

Finn took a long breath and blew it out slowly. I might have pushed him too far. He'd been through more than any man should, and I didn't want to add to his turmoil. As if ripping off a band-aid, he quickly asked, "Do you think I'm tarnishing Deborah's memory?"

I'd been afraid it was something like that. He loved Deborah deeply and had been mourning her for years. Now, suddenly he's sleeping with Steph. A blind man could see he was developing feelings for her and struggling with the guilt that went along with them. It was only natural for him to wonder if he was betraying his dead wife. "Do you believe Deborah loved you?" I asked.

His head jerked in my direction. "Of course. What kind of question is that?"

"Do you believe she wanted you to be happy?"

He looked down at the beer in his hand as if it held the answer. When he spoke, his voice was low. "Yeah."

"I knew Deborah almost as well as you. I can tell you she'd be angry if you didn't embrace happiness wherever you could."

Instead of insisting otherwise, he let another long stretch of silence take over. His eyes tracked Stephanie as she pulled the kayak out of the water and put it away. She waved as she walked underneath the deck and into the basement. "It's almost snack time," Finn said.

I laughed. "What? Are we in kindergarten?"

"Just wait," Finn said as Stephanie came back out carrying a plastic bag. Maggie followed her to the edge of the property, where they stopped at the big oak tree.

Two creatures poked their heads out of the woods. "What the hell?"

Finn chuckled. "Believe it or not, we rescued the doe from a mudslide at the creek. Stephanie heard the fawn crying for his mother and came to get me. That's when I found out she'd named them."

"She's got a good heart," I told him as we watched Maggie mimicking the fawn, who was hopping and stamping his little feet. They showed no fear of the dog or the human as they ate right out of her hand.

"In a couple weeks, she'll be going home," Finn said quietly. "I'd like you to keep an eye on her. Give her a contact number so she has someone to call for help if she needs it."

"I was going to do that anyway. I like her too, you know." I let a few minutes go by. "Why don't you ask her to stay?"

"You know I can't do that."

I got the feeling he'd given it some thought but was resigned to his decision. "You could if you really wanted to."

"Leave it alone," Finn said as he stood. "I think I'll turn in early."

With that, he went inside, leaving me to wonder if I'd pushed him too hard.

STEPH POV

After visiting with Judy and Billy, I found Oz still sitting on the deck, drinking a beer. "Where's Finn?"

"He turned in early." He motioned to the woods where the deer had disappeared. "Nice friends you've got there."

"I'm going to miss them." Maggie whined, and I reached down to ruffle her fur. "I'll miss you too, girl."

I wanted to get back to the sunroom to study the files, but it looked like Oz had something to say. He lit the fire pit and motioned to the empty seat. "Join me for a bit."

We stared at the flickering fire as the sun went down. This was the life. Sitting on the deck, smelling the lake, and listening to the sounds of nature created a mood that made you want to share. So, under cover of darkness, I asked, "This is probably none of my business, and if you don't want to answer, that's fine. It's just that I've seen the scars from where you were shot, and I wondered if you've ever killed anyone?" A long minute passed while he drank his beer. I was worried he'd found my question nosey or offensive.

"I've killed 12 people in my life, but I'm tangentially responsible for ending the lives of hundreds, if not thousands more. Collateral damage, one might call them. What about you?"

"I've killed 2 people in self-defense." But that wasn't the whole truth. I hadn't counted Durant because, in my mind, his death wasn't truly self-defense. Durant might have lived to stand trial if I'd told the agents where the cellar was. Instead, I chose a different path. I tried to summon guilt, but there was none. Did that make me a bad person? Probably.

"Something else is bothering you."

"Nothing I want to talk about."

"Fair enough. Maybe you can tell me why you let so many people take advantage of you?"

My head whipped toward him. "What're you talking about?"

"You solve cases for your cop boyfriend and let him take the credit."

"Ex-boyfriend." I immediately corrected.

"What about your friends at Rangeman? Instead of insisting that you get training, they continue to send you into dangerous situations when it benefits them."

That was a hard pill to swallow, but I wasn't sure he was correct about Ranger and his men. I got paid well for everything I did for Rangeman, either in actual money or protection when needed. Ranger and his men were the reason I was still alive. I went on the defensive. "You know nothing about me."

"I wasn't lying when I told you I read your FBI file, but I also did my research before you came here. I don't allow just anyone to get close to Finn. He might seem tough, but he has a heart a mile wide and is a sucker for the underdog."

"Just because you researched me doesn't mean you know me."

Both of us were quiet for a few minutes. This conversation had surpassed uncomfortable, and I was getting pissed. I moved to get up, but he spoke again. "You're capable and quick-thinking on the fly. Like Finn, you can't stop yourself from helping someone in need. You're dedicated. When you start a case, you must finish it, even if it means risking your life. How am I doing so far?"

Half the things he said about me were positive, and the other half, not so much. I was reminded that I'd felt like a loser before Durant abducted me. Everyone around me was moving in the right direction, meeting their goals while I was floundering. I cringed as I recalled lowering myself to ask Morelli and Ranger if they thought I was a loser. Morelli had said, not yet, while Ranger's one-word response was, Babe. Those were not exactly glowing endorsements of my greatness. They were evasive half-answers that would hopefully pacify me, so they didn't have to be brutally honest. Ironically, Lula lifted me out of my rut by offering sage advice. We never quit. In my mind, that's the difference between being a loser and a winner. A winner is willing to look like a idiot for as long as it takes to get the job done. I figure you stick with it long enough and you win.

I shrugged, not willing to tell him he had hit the nail on the head about me. "Everyone I know seems to have their life together. Sometimes, I feel like a loser."

"Neither Finn nor I would waste our time training a loser," Oz spoke quietly but firmly. "You help people that the system has ignored or squashed. To me, that defines success. Joining the CIA was my way of serving my country."

"I guess you've had a lot of friends die in the line of duty."

"More than a few. Some had their covers blown and were tortured and killed for information. It was only by chance that I didn't end up with the same fate. It wouldn't have been a big loss. I've never been married. Have no children… that I know of." He chuckled at his attempt at a joke, but it fell flat.

He'd been through horrible stuff. My experience with Durant wasn't the same, and it surely wasn't noble, but I'd looked into the face of evil and survived. So had Oz. So had Finn. We were a small group who experienced the absolute worst society offered and lived through it, albeit damaged in our own ways. I reached over, placing my hand on top of his. "I'm sorry for bringing up bad memories."

I could see well enough to tell his smile was fake. "I've learned to cope. If I didn't, I'd put a bullet in my head."

That was concerning. "Do you feel like putting a bullet in your head?"

He looked back out over the lake. "If I haven't done it before now, I'm not going to."

The way he said it reassured me. I was glad I could be here for him to talk to. I got the feeling he rarely let anyone in. We sat in quiet companionship, letting the night air envelop us. There was something about Finn's mountain. It gave peace to those in turmoil. No wonder he didn't want to leave.