(A/N): Lisbet reacts to Leo saying he would rather not exist, than become a full vampire and be immortal. Lisbet is struggling not to have a breakdown.

Trigger Warning: Discussion of suicide/suicidal ideation/nonexistence at ones own hands/nonexistence at someone else's hands, by your own choice? If that makes sense? Basically, Leo talks about why he would do it, and how he would (but mostly wouldn't)... er, unalive himself?

Lisbet

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Not that it wasn't like I needed to breathe- like I needed oxygen to survive- but this was almost somehow worse than if I were suffocating. I felt a weight, a pressure, on my chest- on my heart- as though Leo's assertion had latched itself on, and was currently doing its damnedest to drag it straight down, through the crust of the earth, to a much worse, much more fiery place. I had the thought, in the back of my mind, that I was being punished for something, but I quickly brushed that aside- I would wait until later to properly decide how preposterous that thought was.

His hair, his skin, the fabric of his clothes under my hand, suddenly felt almost dangerous- or at the very least, worryingly precious. It felt like touching some sort of relic- a holy artifact, of his own making. I wanted to clutch, to squeeze, to hold him tight and never let go, but I knew that that was just as likely to result in his... nonexistence, as anything else possibly could. He can't- he won't. I had to- to fix... or if nothing else, to reassure.

"No." He jolted a little, at the stern tone of my voice- it was as if I thought I could simply command it not to be so. Oh, how much easier that would be- but Leo wouldn't be Leo, if things were easy... if he wasn't stubborn, and obstinate, and complicated, and mine.

"Lis-" I cut him off, cupping the entire back of his head and pushing his face into my throat- an exhibition of vulnerability and trust, even as I fought this, and superseded my will over his- because I had to, if I wanted to get through this conversation without having a breakdown, and keening, and most likely ruining everything by making it known exactly how I felt for him.

"No." I pressed a firm kiss to the crown of his head. "We will find. A way. Around this." Even if it kills me- better me, than him.

...oh. Perhaps, now, I understood why Jerremyah had said that, years ago, but... Leo was not... he was my kit. It was my job to take care of him, we weren't in a relationship, that was supposed to be equal. Jerremyah giving his life for me, wasn't 'equal'. Maybe it made me a hypocrite, but I would give my life for Leo's in a heartbeat- or lack thereof.

"Lis-" I wanted to cut him off, because I didn't think my heart- even if it didn't beat- could take any more of his heartbreaking assertions, but with his mouth against the hollow of my throat, I found I just couldn't do it. He wanted to talk- and right now, that seemed like all I could give him. And boy, was I in a giving mood. "What if there is no way?" I felt my heart groan under the weight of that statement, like overloaded steel- something once strong, made weak by strain. "Not everything has an answer- it doesn't work like that." In another situation- just about any other situation- I would have been proud of him for such a mature outlook, but... this? I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"And not everything has the outcome you want." I both felt- physically, tactilely felt- and felt as in sensed, him arch an eyebrow, against my own skin.

"I could say the same right back to you, Tante... Ma Tante." My Aunt. I wasn't sure why he had changed from just the regular, but... I appreciated it, nonetheless. He was saying that the outcome I wanted- his survival- would not necessarily happen, just because I wanted it to- but I refused to accept that. I tucked my thumb around the curve of his ear, briefly flicking it downwards, as if to scold him.

"You will live- no other option exists." He huffed out a little laugh- not like he was amused, but more of a bitter thing... like he wanted to hold that same, probably delusional belief, but was feeling much too pessimistic to do so.

"Even if it doesn't end up mattering- if I stay human- mortal... I will die eventually, Tante." There was an instinct, deep inside of me, that wanted to sink my claws into him and never let go... but that would be a bit counter-intuitive, wouldn't it? Instead, I sifted my hand through his hair, and flattened the palm of my other hand against his heart, where I could feel it beating through his back. It was at least a little reassuring to be able to feel that- really feel it, rather than just a combination of sensing and hearing.

"Don't say that." I told him, my voice hushed, not because I was trying not to be overheard, but because I felt like I physically couldn't raise my voice to be any louder.

"Why not? It's true, and you know it. At the most, I've got... what? Ninety? One Hundred? Maybe one hundred and ten years left, if I'm one of the 'luckier' wizards- and that's only if I die of old age, which we both know is highly unlikely-" He cut himself off with a sharp inhale, as I dug my fingertips into his scalp. It was a reflex- and I managed to unclench my hand in only a few seconds, but I feared that the damage was already done.

"'Why not'?" I echoed him softly. "Because it hurts my heart to hear you talk like that, Leo." He was silent for a few seconds, which didn't bode well. "And even if you become immortal-" He flinched. "Even if you lived thousands of years, it would still hurt me, as long as your time here ended before mine did." He sucked in a quiet breath- so quiet, that if I had been human myself, I may not have caught it.

"Lis..." I angled my head against his, indicating that I was listening- as if I could do anything else. "Then why does it matter, at what point I-" I cut him off, having to fight hard to keep the pre-keen whine out of my voice.

"The timing itself doesn't matter... what matters, is whether you got to live a full life." He was silent for a minute, and in the meantime, I felt his hands pulling at my clothes- as if he wanted to be closer to me, but physically couldn't get there, because we were already as close as two people could get.

"Do you..." He started, then hesitated- I waited for him to get there. "Do you feel like you have lived a 'full life'?" Oh, that was... a loaded question.

"I... it's hard to say." I could tell he was slightly disappointed by that, because he thought I wasn't going to answer. "I've experienced a lot of things, both good and bad. I've been alive a long time, I've loved and been loved- and... while Jerremyah and aren't together right now... I am lucky enough to call him my mate." I was lucky to have a mate in general, and I was especially lucky that that mate was Jerremyah. That's right, you self-deprecating prick, I'm lucky to have you! "I have good friendships, and a clan- a family- that I... I love, and know that I can rely on." I just listened to him breathe for a second, and I felt his smile.

"I'd say I'm most of the way there, then. Elaine isn't my mate-" Debatable. "-but I do love her, and she loves me." His confidence in that made me smile. "I have good friendships, and a clan- family- kin-" Oh. "-that I love, and can rely on. I would not... it's not like... even with every bad thing I've experienced, I wouldn't say that I haven't lived a good life. If..." Don't say it. Not again. "Even if it wasn't because of that- if something takes me out-" Oh god. "Lis, I've lived a good life." I barely managed to swallow my urge to scream.

"But not a long one." He sighed quietly, and I felt the air he exhaled stir the hair laying down my neck- felt the heat of it, through the fabric of my shirt. Along with the feeling of his heartbeat under my hand, it soothed me just a little, to be physically reminded that he was alive, and very much within my arms.

"That was never in the cards for me." It hurt that he thought so.

"What is in the cards for you? Clearly, you have all these ideas about your future, that you've neglected to mention it to me." He winced.

"As I told Jerremyah- I thought I had made myself clear." What- oh. Oh. So that's why Jerremyah had been giving me that look, earlier. That pained- almost heartbroken- look. "I didn't think I needed to spell it out for you, like I had for Elaine." What- what did Elaine have to do with this?

"What do you mean?" I felt him shrug.

"I thought that, somehow, it would be obvious to you- and the rest of the clan- without me having to actually explicitly communicate about it with you. I've learned my lesson- at least... on this subject." That... didn't answer my question.

"What- what were you saying, about Elaine?" He paused, then winced yet again.

"Oh, no..." Um? "I didn't expect to have to explain this again... to you, instead of my friends- minus Lily." 'Minus Lily', which meant that it was obviously vampire related- not that I expected any different, given the subject at hand.

"Go on." I heard him inhale slowly, through his nose- was he bracing himself, or was he trying to steal some of my scent for himself? I couldn't tell- and I wasn't sure even he knew.

"I- I asked her to do it." Well. I- that was rather forward of him. They were a bit young for that, weren't they? "To be the one to kill me, if it came to that." ...oh. Well. They were definitely too young for that.

"You... Leo." I breathed, and I felt him wince again. "You- what- how did that go, for you?" He hesitated, then shrugged.

"She turned me down." Of course she did. "Said we'd figure something out, before it came to that." Good girl. "That was before Herc mentioned that the change might be my choice." God, I hoped that was true. Wait, when did he-?

"When did you ask her to do this?" He hesitated again. "Leo." He sucked in a breath through his teeth.

"Right after..." After...? Oh.

"Was that why? Because of Nicholai-?" He cut me off.

"No. No, I... I was... I knew how I felt, before that. I just... that's when I asked her. I guess it was... on my mind, at that point." Right after Nicholai had died- after Jonothan had killed him- and after he had rescued Mia and dropped her home, with us- I remembered that excursion. He had asked her to kill him, way back then? ...god, poor Elaine.

An awful thought popped into my head.

"Leo... how were you... I mean, she turned you down, so, how were you planning to..." I couldn't even begin to say it. He hesitated, but- worryingly- I felt that that had more to do with him being worried about my reaction, rather than not having an answer to give.

"Lis- I mean... there are plenty of people who would be happy to end my life-" My heart clenched. "-my mother and Jonothan being just two of them- but... I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction of killing me. There's also Hunter's, but... well, much the same issue." Oh god, how much thought had he put into this? "Which leaves either someone I know- and like- or... taking matters into my own hands." I bit the inside of my cheek so hard that I tasted blood, and even as I swallowed it down, I heard him suck in a shocked breath. "Lis-" I cut him off.

"Keep going." He hesitated, and I nodded, trying to encourage him to continue- no matter how much it hurt me.

"I... I don't think anyone in the clan could do it- or would do it- which disqualifies them. I don't... I don't know who I would trust to do it, other than one of us. To make it... as painless as possible. That leaves..." I could hear him say it again, even if he didn't repeat himself. Taking matters into my own hands. "Well, I guess... doing it myself. Which is... complicated, to say the least." Not to mention heart-wrenchingly horrific to hear. "Not much can kill me- quickly and painlessly, anyway. I would need some... minor assistance, to put things into place." What 'things'?

"What..." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "What things?" He was quiet for a second, and I could practically feel him debating whether or not to tell me.

"Ma Tante..." He trailed off, before he cleared his throat. "Chains, Ma Tante. Chains."

(A/N): Leo: 'I'm going to die eventually, someday, so why not now?'

Lisbet: '...because it would literally break my heart?'

Leo: 'Are you sure about that?'

Lisbet: *struggling not to scream*

also

Leo: *going through the options he wouldn't choose to kill himself*

Lisbet: *strained breathing* 'Uh huh, right, yep. Got it.'

Leo: 'Which leaves taking matters into my own hands.'

Lisbet: *bites her cheek so hard that she has to swallow her own blood*

Leo: *shocked* 'Lis-'

Lisbet: 'Keep going.'

Lisbet: 'I know it's only going to get worse from here.'

also

Lisbet: *waxing poetical about how her heart is breaking for Leo*

Leo: 'Anyway, so I started blasting- at myself.'

So, according to a prop from one of the movies (a Daily Prophet, to be specific), the Wizard Life Expectancy was reportedly up to 137 years old. Being from the movies, this was written some time in the 1990's, and since this chapter is written in the very tail end of 1975, I lowered that a bit, to Leo saying that the 'luckier' wizard would live to something like 125 years old. Leo, being half-vampire, quarter veela, probably has a different life expectancy (most likely longer), but with the war and everything else, he pretty much believes it impossible that he would ever die of old age. I- I mean, I know how Leo dies- what he dies of- so I can say that he's right, and he doesn't die of old age. Is that foreshadowing, or just... fore-straight-up-telling?