Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own 9-1-1 or any of its characters. I do however own this story, I wrote it and I do NOT give permission for anyone to post it anywhere else. If you want to share it post a link.

WARNING: This second half of this chapter definitely earns an Angst warning, also a warning for suicidal thoughts that are not acted upon. Please stop reading at the stars if you think it might be triggering. The rest of the post is Maddie's point of view and the story will still make sense if you choose to skip it.

Between his training and his love for all children and natural instincts, Buck took to caring for the baby like a duck to water, and right from the start Jee was more and more settled in his presence. Eddie knew that he'd read all of the baby care books Chimney had brought into the station while Maddie was pregnant and assumed that he'd either had some infant care experience on his travels or taken lessons as part of his training as a foster parent, but he was still seriously impressed. It was a joy to see Buck with the little girl just as it had always warmed his heart seeing him interact with Chris.

Eddie had got Jee in to see Christopher's paediatrician, though to be honest she didn't need to see a specialist in paediatric neurological conditions and future visits would be with one of his partners. The paediatrician was impressed with the improvement in Jee's condition compared with the discharge summary Buck presented him with from Flagstaff Medical Center and happily signed off on Jee being fed every three hours instead of every two, and signed the paperwork for CPS that Jee-Yun had seen a doctor and was progressing well.

"The home inspection went well. The social worker was a little concerned by Buck's injuries but impressed with his competence, his willingness to set boundaries on what he could do alone and to ask for help when he needed it, the relationship he'd managed to build with his niece, the plans he had in place to make sure he had back up care for Jee and Christopher at all times and how the extended Diaz family and his team from the 118 rallied around to make sure Buck and Jee had everything they needed. Eddie also took them over to inspect the loft with Buck joining them via facetime in case they had any questions Eddie couldn't answer. Eddie explained that Buck didn't do well with cars, elevators or stairs at the moment due to his recent injury if he could avoid them and that he was looking to purchase a more child friendly home.

"I was under the impression that Buck went to Arizona to bring the child back home," the social worker said frowning.

"He did. He travelled most of the way there with his eyes closed to fight the nausea and they took it very slowly on the way home for both their sakes, but Buck considered 24 hours of constant nausea worth it to guarantee the comfort and safety of his niece. This trip across town however wasn't necessary and I'm not willing to let him make himself ill again," Eddie replied.

"How long will it take him to move?" the social worker asked, looking around the loft.

"He has home inspections lined up for tomorrow if he can handle them which is another reason I didn't want him travelling in the car today, my aunt is his realtor so she will adjust the times to suit him, and make sure Jee is cared for while they're looking. He's already pre-approved for the loan and has a sublet set up for the loft. He can stay with me for as long as he needs so Jee doesn't have to come here at all if you don't approve it," Eddie replied.

"You're a very good friend," the social worker commented.

"It partly comes with the job, my life and survival literally depends on Evan Buckley most days and I trust him both on and off the job more than I've ever trusted anyone. It's in my will that he gets custody of my son if I'm incapacitated, because I know he will fight for Chris to live as full a life as possible," Eddie said.

"You and Buck have my approval for custody, I could only wish that all my charges were able to be placed in such a loving and caring home. You will have to go before a judge to have formal custody signed off on, since Maddie Buckley has not been declared incompetent to look after a child or surrendered custody of her daughter to anyone other than her partner Howard Han and neither of you were his choice of guardian but I don't see a problem with you retaining temporary custody," the social worker told them.

Buck and Eddie both looked worried.

"This is a good thing, from what you've told me about Jee-Yun's parent's mental health issues, having a hearing benefits the child by enabling the court to set some conditions on returning custody to either of her birth parents in order to ensure Jee-Yun's safety, and being formally awarded custody will allow you to apply for family leave to get her settled," the social worker reassured them.

"Maddie hasn't been answering her phone and her voicemailbox is full, I'm not sure if she is reading her texts or emails, do you need to get in touch with her before the hearing?" Buck asked.

"She's been gone more than a week, we will send both a text and email as well as calling to cover every possibility of contacting her but her daughter needs a stable care situation urgently because of her absence and the father's incarceration. Whether or not she is in attendance at the hearing will not stop it from going ahead, we will also make arrangements for Howard Han to be available by zoom if the judge wants to talk with him so his presence won't be necessary either," the social worker replied.

A-shift were rostered on shift at the time of the hearing and couldn't get taken offline or all be replaced to attend, but Albert Han, John and Anne Lee, Athena, Eddie, Isabel Diaz, Pepa, and Carla Price were all in the courtroom to support Buck and Jee-Yun. In the end it was not the drawn out or traumatic process Buck had been dreading.

The judge read the social worker's report, and looked at the evidence that the LAPD provided that Maddie Buckley had left her child with Howard Han and according to both their phone records, email and Instagram and snapchat accounts she had not attempted to contact him in the 13 days since then. Her medical records did in fact include a diagnosis of PPD and a referral to a psychiatrist and outpatient treatment program for which they had no evidence whether or not it had been followed through. The transcripts from Howard Han's interview with the police and bail hearing were also accepted by the judge in lieu of needing to speak with the man via zoom, though they were not read out in the hearing. Albert Han was questioned and supported Buck's application for custody as did Anne and John Lee.

The judgement was as follows.

Full temporary custody of Jee-Yun Buckley Han was granted to Evan Buckley for the period of up to six months, with supervised visitation allowed to Maddie Buckley and Howard Han. Unsupervised visitation was granted to Albert Han, John and Anne Lee, and Henrietta and Karen Wilson. Carla Price, and Eddie Diaz, were approved as secondary short-term carers and babysitters

Maddie Buckley would be able to have the case reopened to resume custody of her daughter if she is declared by a psychiatrist and a social worker as medically fit to have full care of her child. Howard Han would also need to pass psychiatric and social work evaluation in addition to proof of having completed an anger management course and a course in the appropriate care for a child of Jee-Yun Buckley Han's age following his release from prison. Until either of them met these conditions they would only be allowed supervised access to the minor child Jee-Yun Buckley Han.

Athena immediately offered to supervise the visitation when Maddie or Chimney were ready for it, and was accepted.

Outside the courtroom, Athena hands Buck the paperwork Bobby had asked her to pass on, all filled out to apply for FMLA following his being cleared to return to work after his current injury.

"You and Bobby were that sure I'd get her?" Buck asked. "I haven't even been able to look after her without help."

"You've been doing fine, Buck. It's clear to see that you're putting her needs first and that little girl trusts and adores you," Carla said supportively.

"It was what both parents wanted back when they were in their right minds, and you'll be perfectly capable once you're healed up," Athena said snarkily.

Buck signed the forms, "What does this mean for Chim's leave?" he asked.

"Chimney has been on leave without pay since he was arrested. His job will be held for him until the trial but he will be terminated if he's convicted of either the assault or the child endangerment," Athena said seriously. "None of that is your fault in any way."

"But he has rent and bills to pay to keep the apartment for Maddie to come home to," Buck protested.

"That is not your concern, he would have had to pay those expenses as well as for gas and accommodation and food for the two of them while searching for Maddie so he wouldn't be much better off if he hadn't been arrested and was still getting the FMLA payments, and you're not going to offer to pay any of it, it's enough that you're going to be financially responsible for the cost of bringing up their child for the foreseeable future. I'll encourage Albert to clear out the refrigerator and freezer, then get the utilities shut off to cut down expenses. Now that you have official custody you can have access to all of Jee-Yun's clothing, toys and furniture so we'll be packing that up for you in the next day or two so you don't have to pay to duplicate it all. Do you want the furniture delivered to the loft or to Eddie's?"

"Um, to Eddie's, Pepa's confident she can get me a new place quite quickly and Eddie says it's not worth unsettling JeeYun by moving to a new strange location to her twice, he doesn't mind us staying an extra few weeks," Buck replied, smiling softly.

"I'm sure he doesn't," Athena said smiling at the memory of the Texan and his son both pouting like toddlers because they couldn't drive Buck to Arizona themselves.

Now that Buck knew Jee was staying with him for more than a few days he began to make longer term plans, he had another two weeks before he was able to drive though the double vision had all but resolved unless he was tired, and he was no longer getting car sick. The Lees were still visiting regularly and they lived near Durand so with Eddie and Carla's approval, Buck broached the possibility of whether they'd prefer having Jee during the school day rather than driving to visit her when whoever was picking up or dropping off Christopher could bring Jee to them and collect her. The Lee's were delighted, they agreed to once a week while Buck was off work and twice a week when he returned, on whichever days best suited Buck and the rest of their childcare plans.

Buck and Athena also toured a 24 hour daycare facility that catered to first responders and booked Jee-Yun in to go part time. After explaining how Jee had been socially isolated for most of her life and had was just settling into a home and new custody arrangement, they were happy to start her with a couple of hours a couple of days a week while Buck took Christopher to his physical therapy appointments and attended his own therapy.

He and Eddie thought things would calm down but the rotating door of people popping in to deliver a meal, or steal some cuddle time didn't seem to be slowing down. Pepa and Abuela were regular visitors and insisted on Buck and Jee joining Eddie and Chris for the family dinners they held each week.

Buck was so busy looking after Jee and Chris, and looking for the perfect family home that he was mostly distracted from his worry about Maddie and Chimney or his ability to return to work. He still hadn't heard from Maddie and was slowly losing hope that he'd hear from her anytime soon He was worried about moving since he wouldn't be able to send her a postcard with his new address on it this time, but Eddie had reassured him that he wasn't changing phone numbers or closing his insta or snapchat, and he was still working at the 118 so there would be plenty of ways for Maddie to find him when she was ready even if she didn't have his new address. He also pointed out cynically, that Maddie not being able to turn up without warning and scare the bejabbers out of them all by breaking into his new house would be a good thing, considering he wouldn't be returning home alone most days.

Buck still felt a little guilty about pressing charges against Chim but everyone assured him that he would still be in prison awaiting trial for the child neglect and endangerment charges even if Buck hadn't pressed charges and it was possible that pressing charges and having Chimney pulled over when he had been had saved Jee-Yun from much more serious medical issues that she would have suffered if the neglect had continued, perhaps even saved her life, though Buck didn't believe Chim the paramedic could have let things get that bad without noticing. Still with Chimney still in prison in Arizona and unable to take phone calls, and not calling him or Eddie, he didn't think about him often unless someone else brought up his name.

Buck received a call from the Battalion Chief just before he was cleared to return to work after his injuries, The Chief reported that he had been approved for 12 weeks FMLA leave but with the difficulties they were having filling the roster at the 118 he was hopeful that Buck would take the offer of 2 weeks FMLA leave followed by working two 12 hour shifts a week with the FMLA making up the difference in his pay for the next 18 weeks instead.

After talking it over with Eddie, Carla, Athena, Karen and Pepa who were all planning on offering him some babysitting assistance when he returned to work, he accepted. They all thought it would be a good way to settle into their new home and transition Jee-Yun into being cared for by other people before Buck went back on his normal schedule, and give Maddie an extra month to return as well.

Buck became suspicious as Pepa showed him mostly houses that would be perfect for a family of four rather than smaller places that would suit him and Jee on their own. He was happy that she only showed him larger homes in good school zones and that she wasn't showing him anything outside his budget. What made him suspicious was that the family homes were all convenient to Abuela's, Carla's the 118 and Durand and all of them were single level homes one even had ramp access and other disability features. It would be perfect for Chris and Eddie to move in with him, if they wanted to make their current arrangement permanent. Buck wouldn't be opposed to the idea but it would break his heart if they set up a home together only for Eddie to move out when he started dating again.

Maddie's Point of View.

Maddie sat in the botanical park, ignoring the light drizzle soaking into her coat and clothing. It had been raining for a while and she hadn't seen anybody else in the park, it was almost like she could believe she was the only one around for miles. She didn't even know where she was exactly, she just couldn't stand being in the car any longer and had tried to go for a walk and had quickly become tired. The weather perfectly matched her mood and was somehow easier to deal with than the bright sunshine she'd left behind in Los Angeles.

After ringing Buck she just got onto a random freeway without a destination in mind, the way Buck told her he used to travel when she first gave him the jeep. Without paying attention to the names on the road signs she'd travelled as far as she could before exhaustion overtook her and then slept in truck stops as she'd headed north along the coast. She wanted to be away from everyone who knew the old Maddie, and everything that reminded her of her former life. This cold, damp emptiness suited the way she felt inside and she felt calmer than she had in months but so exhausted and apathetic about everything.

She thought that it was the medication that made her so drowsy and tired but she'd stopped taking it days ago now and it hadn't helped at all, she was feeling worse and worse and struggling to concentrate enough to drive safely.

She had thought she would feel a little better once she knew that Jee-Yun was safe away from her but all she felt was emptiness. She was relieved to be away from the pressure of having to care for her and try to keep her safe but without the reason to be up and doing something life seemed pointless. She couldn't even miss Howie, he was so tied up with the past few months, and she was relieved to be away from his desperate insistence that she was a good mother and just needed to spend more time with Jee for everything to work out. He wasn't listening to her and he was adding to the pressure and hopelessness she felt, things got worse and worse until she had no choice but to get away.

She knew that she needed to find a place to stay, at least a motel for a night so she could get out of the rain and clean up properly though she wouldn't be able to afford even a cheap motel indefinitely unless she got a job. She just didn't have the energy to get up and do any of the things she knew she needed to. It was all too overwhelming and it was easier to sit here in this empty park and watch the rain fall.

The sun was setting and she was chilled to the bone as she left the park. She walked past a coffee shop and couldn't resist going inside. The warm welcoming atmosphere hit her like a slap to the face, and she wanted to flee but now she was inside the smell of the coffee was calling too loudly to fight it. She knew she should be ordering something to eat as well but it had been days since she'd felt hungry and the thought of eating these treats just didn't appeal.

Waving away her protests, the young woman serving gave her one of the sandwiches that would have been thrown away at closing in an hour, and Maddie tried to smile her thanks.

"The waitress thinks that I'm homeless, or mentally ill," Maddie realised blushing slightly. 'She's not wrong I am mentally ill and homeless, and I'm wet and bedraggled, I can't remember when I last showered so I probably smell homeless too' a small voice in her head reminded her. She was almost too tired to care.

Maddie forced herself to eat the sandwich, though it tasted like cardboard to her, even the coffee didn't really appeal and they weren't sitting comfortably in her stomach either. Maddie tried to remember when she'd last eaten anything. She wasn't sure but she didn't think it had been today. The waitress had been kind to give it to her, but it was humiliating to think she looked like she needed that sort of kindness from strangers. But strangers were all she had now, her family, Howie, her brother Evan, the firefam, her friends at dispatch, all of that was gone now, she didn't believe they'd forgive her for leaving. She didn't see how she could go back, she'd felt so trapped and suffocated trying all the time to be good enough for Jee and for Howie.

She wondered how Howie and Buck were coping with her absence, was Howie relieved not to have to worry about her substandard care for their daughter? Did he feel more comfortable leaving Jee with the Lee's, now that he didn't need to worry about her feeling like a failure? Did Buck even miss her or had he got used to her not being there anymore since she hadn't had the energy to see him and pretend everything was fine in so long?

"Is there a motel nearby?" she asked the waitress.

"There's two in town. I think you'd want the Relax Inn, it's not much but it is clean and cheap and quiet. Mrs T don't allow no shenanigans in her motel," the waitress said. "It's just down the road, that way and left at the post office, about a ten minute walk. Tell her that Sheree sent you and she'll do you right."

Maddie walked back to her car and followed Sheree's directions, only then realising that she had no idea what town she was even in.

Mrs T looked her over suspiciously but rented her a room for the night, cash up front, and gave her directions to a couple of nearby restaurants and fast food outlets that served decent food. Maddie took a long shower, trying to enjoy the feeling of being clean again but every time the spray hit her face she pictured Jee lying under the surface of her bath, just lying there looking up at her confused what was going on. How long had she laid there. The doctor said it hadn't been long enough to do any harm but in her memory that moment stretched out forever as she'd hesitated to left her daughter out of the water.

She came out of the shower and collapsed on the bed begging for restful sleep. Her body was tired enough to co-operate but she woke again in the early hours of the morning filled with hopelessness pressing down on her. She wondered whether she was always going to feel this way.

What brought you to Cottage Grove?" Mrs T asked as she checked out next morning.

"Just travelling," Maddie said vaguely.

"On your way somewhere you're not sure you want to get to, or searching for somewhere to belong," Mrs T asked perceptively.

"Running from my old life, looking for a reason to make a new one," Maddie said, surprised at her candour.

"You won't find it running. Do you need a job? What sort of work are you looking for?" Mrs T asked gently.

"I used to be a nurse but I worked in dispatch for the last few years," Maddie replied.

"There're jobs going at Magnolia Gardens senior living. It's not so much nursing as personal care most of the time but they'd be grateful to have you, even if it's just for a while until you get itchy feet again," Mrs T said.

"No I couldn't, I don't want to be responsible for looking after other people," Maddie said hurriedly.

"Safeway are looking for checkout staff, other than that you might have more luck in Eugene," Mrs T replied, less sympathetically than before.

"Thanks for the bed last night. I slept better than I have in months," Maddie said.

"Safe travelling," Mrs T replied.

Maddie spent a little time looking around the town but she didn't feel drawn to stay there so she moved on northward leaving the main road in Eugene and heading back towards the coast. There was something comforting about the vastness of the ocean. As if standing on the deserted beach staring at it long enough could wash away her loneliness, and bring her back to a time when she didn't need chemical help to want to get out of bed every morning.

She remembered her last journey across the country. How she'd been terrified Doug would catch up to her but so pleased to be travelling towards LA where her baby brother was living. Every freewy exit she'd driven passed had raised her mood and made her feel safer. She'd missed Evan so much back then and her heart had been just full of overwhelming and conflicting emotions and now it seemed to hardly have any emotions at all, she just felt empty. She was so tired, even though she was well rested from her night at the inn, she was still emotionally exhausted and it didn't seem to be getting any better. She wondered how long she could go on in this empty emotionless life with nothing to look forward to. She felt like she could just lie down on the beach and let the incoming tide take her away. She felt so hollow that surely she could float on the waves and let them carry her somewhere better, somewhere she didn't need to be afraid of letting people down, somewhere she felt strong enough to get on with her life.

She pulled herself up in shock, almost running away from the beach. Had she really just thought all of that. She didn't want to die, and even if she did, drowning was a horrible death and even though she felt that she deserved it, she couldn't just give her life to the ocean after Buck had fought so hard not to let the Tsunami take him and then fought a long hard battle not to let it take away his love of the beach. She got back in the car and drove north taking the next main road that would take her back inland. The beach was too dangerous for her in this mood.

For the first time since leaving she pulled out her medication and took a dose. It hadn't felt like it was helping at the time but she wasn't like this before she stopped taking it. She was nearly out of medication, she'd have to find a place to stay for a while and find a new doctor.

In spite of her decision to find a place to settle down she kept driving aimlessly north. She was starting to see the appeal of driving without a destination to reach but the overwhelming thought when she thought of Buck setting off from Boston in her old jeep was how lonely he must have been. She regretted not going with him and wished that her little brother was with her now, not Buck the adult firefighter that would want her to come home and love Jee-Yun, but Evan the impetuous boy he'd been back then. They would have had so much fun escaping from reality and exploring wherever the whim took them. She wondered how different would their lives have been if she'd gone with him all those years ago and shared his adventures.

A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed, commented positively, followed, bookmarked or favourited or gave Kudos to this story for your support.