Only about a week to go until TMFU 2023! If you're going, we can't wait to see your gorgeous faces!
Huge thanks to all the readers, commenters, and especially Pam for prereading!
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-8-
Rosalie
July 1, 2023
Cincinnati, Ohio
I didn't know how lonely my freedom would be.
I was only a child when I married Royce. Young and smitten and swept off my feet while I still wore the rose-colored glasses of youth and innocence of how the world really worked.
If I'm honest with myself, the marriage never was a good one. He won me over with a term I've learned during late nights of self-work, pouring over article after article trying to process everything I've been through.
Love-bombing.
Sweeping declarations of love and plans for the future, gifts and spontaneous trips, smothering me with physical affection. All of this to make him look like my dream man so he could convince me to marry him, only to do a one-eighty as soon as the ink dried.
It was evident within the first year, I was just too blinded by love to see it. And without my girls living near me, there was no one around to point it out to me.
It wasn't long before I became a function to him. The happy little wifey that cooked and cleaned and made sure he had fresh, ironed clothes for work.
Relationships may not always be 50/50. Sometimes one spouse has to lean on the other just a little bit. But the longer my marriage went on, the further the scales tipped until I was taking care of nearly the full 100%. Sure, he provided financially. He paid his portion of the bills with no complaint. But that's where our partnership ended.
And yet, even as lonely as I was then, it's nothing compared to the empty ache in me now.
The thing is, when you pour all of yourself into something the way I did my marriage, and you fight so fucking hard to make it work, it's hard to find how much you is left. Or who you even are.
It's why I haven't talked to my girls in so long.
And it's why I'm considering skipping Lighthouse Cove this year.
I never thought the day would come that I wouldn't be running for my escape— for the girls that keep my feet planted firmly on the ground when I start floating away.
But Alice is still grieving her husband and being a kickass mom without skipping a beat. She's handled losing Peter with all the grace in the world, and yet I'm crumbling under the pressure of leaving a situation I chose to destroy when I stepped out on my marriage.
And then there's Bella. Perpetually single badass bitch out there traveling the world and making her dreams come true without a man when I can't seem to function in the absence of one.
It's no secret my past year has been filled with a string of men I've used to feel something again.
Not that it works much.
I'm too far gone, and they don't need me being a wet blanket on their time. I can't imagine I'll be any fun, anyways.
I'm standing in my studio apartment that I haven't bothered to decorate, or even fully unpack when my phone chimes.
It's Alice. Always with her perfect timing, like she's psychic and feels when I need her.
Daily check-in! How are we doing today?
Because she's never once missed one of these since she found out how much I was struggling a few months ago. Sometimes the day may be almost over, but she'll still check-in.
I'm honest with her without telling her I'm not coming. I tell her it's hard. That I'm tired. That I don't know who I am anymore. And when she responds, I can't help the tears that come with her words.
That's okay! We'll help you find yourself.
And I know she means it. I know no matter what, these girls aren't leaving my side.
It's not long after that that the group chat between the three of us lights up. Sassenachs.
A photo of Bella, smiling and slightly tanner, standing on top of a mountain in Guatemala with one of those views behind her that you've only ever seen in National Geographic.
Bella: Hey! I think I can see you guys from here! If I don't die in this jungle on the way back, I'll see you in three weeks! I'm off to look for Jaguars. If I don't come back, divide my assets and launch a flaming ship at Lighthouse Cove to remember me.
I send some laughing emojis, genuinely laughing, and it's all it takes to convince me.
I'm insane to think I could miss time with my girls.
I need them now more than I ever have.
…
I hate that I'm nervous approaching the ferry that carries us to Lighthouse Cove every year. I don't know what I'm nervous for, or why there's some nagging anxiety that has me thinking the girls are going to be anything but ecstatic to see me.
But when a head of copper hair pops up from the front of the vessel, I realize it's not just them that I'm nervous about.
It brings me back to that night when the same head of copper hair happened to be up in the early hours of the morning to take the man I cheated on my husband with back from the mainland to Lighthouse Cove. I was way beyond drunk and too absorbed in foreign hands on my body to see the disapproving scowl I'm sure was on Edward's face, because he knew. He knew I was married. And after everything was said and done, thinking back about how he saw me that night was the only thing that ever made me feel guilty.
And it's stupid that I even care what he thinks, but I do. Seeing him last summer was weird enough, I don't know if I'm ready to face him on my own, but Alice arrived earlier today and Bella won't be in until tonight.
On second thought, maybe I'll just wait until she comes in…
"Hey, Rose!" he says, lifting one hand in my direction.
Fuck. He spotted me.
"Hey!" I wave back, hoisting my backpack further up on my shoulder and grabbing the handle of my suitcase. It takes way too much effort to put one foot in front of the other, but I do until I'm next to the ferry and he's lifting my luggage on board.
Once the suitcase is on deck, he offers me his hand. I hesitate, but I take it anyway, eager to make this encounter as little "awkward turtle" as I can.
He offers me one of his familiar friendly smiles and lets me go as soon as my feet are steady under me.
"So," I hedge, sitting on one of the worn, vinyl benches that line the sides of the ferry. "How's business?"
I feel stupid as soon as the words are out of my mouth, but I can't stand just sitting here in silence while he gets us going.
He's facing away from me, but he turns his head when he shrugs one shoulder.
"Pretty much the same," he says, flipping a switch in front of him. I hear the motor of the boat sputter to life. "Booming in the summer, crawling through the winter." He shrugs again, leaning over the side to loosen a rope. "How about you?"
"It's going," I match his shrug.
The boat slips away from the dock, the salty breeze starting to pick up.
"How was your flight?" he asks over the light roar of the boat's engine.
"Turbulent," I sigh. "I was glad to be back on land, but well…" I smile to let him know I'm only joking.
"Sounds like you could do with a breath of fresh air," he says, nodding his head toward the horizon.
"Definitely. I think I need this trip more this year than I have any other."
With the breeze now blowing my hair out of my face so I can feel the mist from the ocean kicking up to greet me, I close my eyes and lose myself for a moment. The salt brings me back to life, the sun warming my skin, and it's there on that ferry that I find the first little piece of myself.
It's not much. Not even enough to touch that aching hole inside me. But it's enough to give me a little bit of hope that maybe someday I won't hate myself so much. Maybe I'll keep finding myself until I like what I see in the mirror again.
I think the first step to that is finding my way back to the girls.
Edward allows me silence the entire ride to the island, and as soon as I see the namesake lighthouse, my heart literally swells. How could I ever consider not coming back here?
My mind is opposite the horizon now, set on the little beach house we rent every year that lies just behind me.
"You look like a kid about to be let loose in a candy shop," Edward laughs, loading my luggage onto the ban once we've docked on the island.
"They're way better than candy," I beam. "They're the only people in the whole world that know the real me."
We're only in the van for a couple of minutes, and as soon as it comes to a stop, I'm climbing out. I turn to Edward, ready to grab my things and run up to the house when I see him holding out one of my bags.
"Welcome home, Rose."
It sweeps away the last little bit of nerves I had lingering and makes me ready to face all this trip could have to offer me.
"Thanks, Edward. That means a lot." We share one last smile before he's handling my luggage one more time, but I leave the luggage and the ferryman in my dust as I run down the gravel path and up the steps of the wraparound porch that Alice has always loved so much.
My feet barely make the top of the steps when the screen door flies open and Alice comes flying at me with lightning speed and we collide in a fierce hug.
"I can't believe you're finally here!" She cries, literally, tears streaming down her face.
As if they're not also streaming down mine.
"I almost didn't come," I admit, filling my lungs with everything this island brings. "How stupid is that?"
Alice pulls back and holds me at arm's length, looking me over before she nods.
"You're right. That is stupid. But you're here now, and we've got you."
It takes everything in me not to break right then. Because I know it's coming. We all know it's coming. But I'm far too busy being happy and feeling my soul at peace again to worry about that right now.
"Ali, I need a drink," I sniff, wiping my eyes. I'm hysterical, laughing and crying at the same time, but it's just so damn good to be home.
"I've already got a pitcher of Bellinis in the fridge." Of course she does, she's perfect. "Bella will be here any minute now, let's get your luggage in."
We catch up on our way, Alice telling me about Bree and how inquisitive she is.
"I swear, some days I worry my head might explode if she asks me one more question, but I love it at the same time. She's learning, and seeing her mind work and grow is so beautiful."
"She's getting big," I reply, remembering the pictures Alice sent a couple of weeks ago where the sweet little bundle I feel like I just watched come into the world is already standing up to Ali's waist. "And gorgeous."
"Oh my god, so gorgeous!" Alice replies.
As soon as I'm in my room, I'm drawn to the spot like a magnet. My favorite spot in this whole house. The spot I've cried on, laughed on, danced on, and vomited over.
My balcony.
"Let's get started on dinner, who knows how long it's been since Bella has had a real meal," Alice offers after we've moved my clothes out of my suitcases and into the dresser and closet.
"Yeah, for sure. I'll be down in just a minute though, I need to take a beat," I say, sliding open the door that leads to the balcony.
Alice knows exactly what I need and she leaves me with a sweet smile and a nod.
And I stand there and I look out at the horizon, the sun setting on another beautiful day.
I have fourteen days of endless possibilities ahead of me. Fourteen days with the girls that have been my rock for nearly a decade now.
How can I not find myself when the two best halves of me are right here to help me along the way?
...
Rose has touched down in Lighthouse Cove! I wonder what the island will bring her this year... ;)
Let us know your predictions and what you're thinking of the story so far!