Well, we're home from TFMU, utterly exhausted in the best way. Having the chance to be with you all is simply amazing, and we're already counting down until we can do it again! Keep your eyes open for info about next year's TFMU!
-13-
Alice
July 5th, 2023
Lighthouse Cove, Maine
Not every morning at the house is spent watching the sunrise.
We make it a point to share the experience together at least once on our trip, but it's not something that happens every morning. Most of the time, we are recovering from the night before, especially in our younger days when we would stay out at one of the bars on the mainland until it closed. Most mornings, we take our time getting out of bed, resting our eyes — more like minds, bodies, and souls — from the last year. We're slow to rise and even once we're up and about, we're usually incredibly lazy and in no rush to make our time on the island move faster.
We take each day as it comes. We're on Island Time, as Rose calls it.
We savor every minute, even if those minutes come from the solitude confines of our beds in our own separate bedrooms.
This is exactly how I wake up this morning. I have no desire to leave this haven I have created beneath my sheets. Not a thought in my head rushing me out of bed. Not a place to go today, nothing pressing me to get up and move, besides the beach that is mere steps off the wraparound porch I love so much.
Today, right now, all I have is time.
Time to think about what the actual fuck happened last night.
Because while I love the quiet this morning has brought me, I don't love the feeling of dread that is slowly beginning to creep up into my throat, threatening to strangle me in silence.
Closing my eyes, I repeat the mantra that has kept me afloat for the last year and a half. Freeze and breathe. Freeze and breathe. Freeze and –
"It's not a crime to talk to another guy," I hear Bella's words from last night as she tried to reassure me on the ferry back home.
"Or girl," Rose giggled, her head falling back into the wind as we retreated from the mainland, leaving behind the reason I woke up in a quiet panic this morning. Rolling over, I clench my eyes shut beneath the pillow I had burrowed myself into, repeating the events of last night over and over in my mind.
Again.
Rose and Bella were right, and technically, nothing happened. All I did was talk to him. The guy from the beach earlier that day with the funny family. And now, as I lay in my bed – alone – I realize what I'm feeling isn't guilt from talking to him last night that has me waging a war within myself.
It's how much I enjoyed it.
And how much I want it to happen again, even though I push the thought out of my mind every time it finds a way to creep back in again.
It started out simple enough. Just him coming over to thank me for taking the picture for his family earlier today. We had recognized each other in the bar almost immediately, and as he made his way over to me, I wasn't nervous or apprehensive at all.
I didn't expect our conversation to go any further than formalities. But once the thank yous were exchanged, everything else, including all rationales, seemed to fly away with the breeze off the water behind us. His words were punctuated by laughter and music coming from the celebration around us, the aroma of freshly caught seafood and barbeque and the sound of lit sparklers adding to the carefree spirit of the night.
It was a night that had me itching for my camera, my fingers dying to freeze these moments in time.
I was all too familiar with how time can vanish in front of my eyes, and I was now blessed – possibly cursed — with a quest to capture it all to have something to look back on.
Maybe that was why I let myself go. Let myself live in the moment – before the moment was gone like all my other moments I thought I would always get the chance to continue.
"What are the odds my mother would find a professional photographer on the beach?" He had smiled beneath the soft, hanging string lights of the beachside bar. The admiration he held for his mother was clear in his brown eyes as he looked down at the sand beneath our feet. Despite the music and crowd around us, I could hear him perfectly fine.
"Eh, not so professional," I had corrected him with a friendly shake of my head. "I dabble."
"So you're modest as well," he replied before sticking a hand out towards me. "I'm Jasper."
"I'm…Modest," I said, reaching my own hand out to shake his, and the gentle laughter between us was easy. "Alice works, as well."
He nodded and slipped his hand from mine. "I thought I heard my mom call you that but I wasn't sure."
"Your mom is great," I smiled, thinking back to the immediate comfort I had felt when she had first found me on the beach that morning. Just like Peter's mother, Jasper's mother had reminded me of just how non-existent my relationship with my mother really was.
"She's…lucky, I guess you can say," Jasper said. He ran a hand through the slight curls of his hair and I found my eyes following his every move. "Like her finding the only person on the beach this morning who just so happens to have a fancy camera to take our family picture would only happen to her. Only she would stumble upon that kind of coincidence."
Amused by the picture in my mind he had painted of her, I found myself agreeing with him and brought my drink to my lips. "Well, I'm glad I could help," I said with sincerity. I tapped the bag on my shoulder. "That's why I bring it with me everywhere. You never know when it will come in handy."
He cocked his head to the side in surprise. "Non-professionals like you just carry it with them everywhere they go?"
"Not that one," I answered with a laugh at his teasing tone. "A smaller one, though."
It didn't take me long to pilfer through my purse and hand a camera his way. I watched the edges of his lips turn up into a small smirk as he admired it in his hands. "Always prepared, are you?"
A glimpse of Bree flashed in front of my eyes. Then Rose and Alice. The motherly role that never leaves even if my child was thousands of miles away from me. "Always."
He didn't respond. Just nodded and shot me that same smile I had seen quite a bit from the time I saw him that morning to now. It left me devastatingly calm and also shaky on my feet as the band kicked off another set.
I hoped he couldn't tell I was lying.
Because the truth was that I was, in fact, not prepared for him at all. For the way our conversation continued for the rest of the night. For the way I lost complete track of time. For the way we laughed beneath the stars.
For the way I forgot.
About everything.
But this morning, I remember it all. Every detail and every moment.
And I can't believe it. Any of it.
"He seemed nice," Bella says as we sit on the beach around noon. "And he's a family guy from what you saw."
"Yes, yes, he's very nice," I say dismissively, reaching for another water. It wasn't the drinks at the bars that left me hungover this morning. It was the margaritas Bella had made for us at home that had done the trick. "Way out of my league. Way over my head. Just way….not for me."
"Not for you?" Rose scoffs as she chugs water as well. "Who fucking cares? He's definitely the one for you right now!"
"She's right," Bella laughs. "Just yesterday you told us you were here to let go of some of the guilt you've been carrying around. To have some fun this summer. If there is anyone here who needs some fun, it's you, Ali. Besides, he looks like a hell of a lot of fun, guilt-free or not."
My mind catches on an image in my head of Jasper last night beneath the fireworks. The blast of color had lit his face against the darkness of the night. It was striking.
Not just from a photographer's standpoint.
He was a walking image of just the kind of fun I haven't been able to have in years. Even before Peter's death, he had been sick for over a year before that. Sex, and anything related to sex, was the last thing on my mind.
I found out last night just how convincing biology can be.
Because in an instant, I forgot all about that feud in my head about how sex was an ancient, untouchable concept for someone like me.
Another part of my anatomy was beginning to win that battle with my brain.
Bella isn't wrong; Jasper looks like he could have been plucked from my wildest fantasy. He is the complete opposite of Peter. Brown eyes, broad shoulders, tanned skin. Short, wild blonde curls on the top of his head that scream for someone to pull it. A smile that pulls at the one corner so the deep stare of his eyes can pull you in the rest of the way.
Not to mention the soft, peaceful cadence of his voice that I can still hear as I close my eyes in my beach chair.
"Even your mother-in-law told you to take the trip," Rose interrupts my thoughts. "She doesn't need to know about the details of your ride."
We all fall out laughing, the heaviness of the situation wiped away for now. So far, I wasn't gifted with a 'light' life. I had lost my husband just when we were creating a perfect life for us. The heaviness would always be with me.
But maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe things don't have to be so heavy for me for the two weeks I'm here. Maybe things could be lighter for me in Lighthouse Cove.
Wasn't it meant to be this way for us? Didn't us three girls establish this tiny piece of heaven for us to mold into whatever we wanted it to be?
Maybe, I think as I settle at the desk in my room later that evening when the house is quiet, Jasper is exactly what I need.
It doesn't take long for my computer to boot up, and soon enough I find myself loading and editing the pictures I had taken of Jasper's family on the beach yesterday morning. All twenty or so of them are smiling, and I can hear the sound of their laughs as I gather the best shots to email to Jasper's mother. I had saved her email in my phone, and I had given her a business card of mine as well, so I'm not surprised when I see a new email in my inbox once I log in.
To: Alice Matthews
From: Jasper Whitlock
Date: 7/5/23 7:17pm
Subject: Pictures
Hey, Alice. I swiped the business card you gave to my mom to get your email address. Hope that's okay. Figured you should send the pictures to me since I would end up teaching her how to access the pictures, anyway. Technology and my mother? Not so great.
Last night, on the other hand, was pretty great. It was nice getting to know you.
No rush with the pictures. Like I said last night, most of us will be here for the summer, so send them over whenever you get around to it.
Thanks,
Jasper
To: Jasper Whitlock
From: Alice Matthews
Date: 7/5/23 9:02pm
Subject: Re: Pictures
Jasper,
Good thinking with having me send the pictures to you, even though, with your mother's luck as you described last night, she would most likely have been able to figure it out.
Here is the link for the pictures from yesterday. Just use the passcode at the bottom of this email and you'll be able to access all of them and choose how you want to print them. And no worries. I had already finished with the pictures before I checked my email, so I didn't rush to get them done. I had the time and was eager to help you and your family! I think they came out great, by the way. I just wish I had one of my better cameras to use for you all.
Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.
I agree. Last night was a lot of fun.
Thanks again,
Alice
To: Alice Matthews
From: Jasper Whitlock
Date: 7/5/23 9:10pm
Subject: Absolutely incredible!
Alice,
These pictures came out better than any of us expected. I mean, we walked out onto the beach to take a picture on one of our phones, so we weren't really thinking it would be anything spectacular. But these? We can't stop looking at them! I texted the link and passcode to my family into our group chat and my phone is blowing up next to me as I type this email to you.
My grandmother would be very happy to experience this with us all, and I think that's the reason why these pictures mean so much to all of us. In the end, she wanted us all to be together and enjoy every moment, and now we have one of these moments to look back on now thanks to you.
You have a talent, Alice. I'd love to see more one day.
As for my mother, she's already preparing to bake you a pie to thank you for everything you've done.
Maybe muffins. I never know what she's up to.
Eat at your own risk,
Jasper
To: Jasper Whitlock
From: Alice Matthews
Date: 7/5/23 9:14pm
Subject: Re: Absolutely incredible!
She's too much! As amazing as homemade muffins sound, it's completely unnecessary! Knowing how happy it has made your family is enough for me.
It has been a while since I've taken family pictures. Life has become incredibly different than what it was when I had first taken up photography, and sometimes I forget how much I miss it. You've reminded me of the joy I find behind my lens again, so be sure to tell your mother that.
Smiling again,
Alice
To: Alice Matthews
From: Jasper Whitlock
Date: 7/5/23 9:20pm
Subject: Blueberry Muffins it is!
Alice,
Maggie Whitlock is nothing if not thorough. Once she sets her mind to something, it's final. Blueberry muffins will be dropped off at your house tomorrow morning. This is where you come in, and you haven't let me down yet. Can you please give your address to the poor chump who offered to deliver them to you? I – I mean he – would be eternally grateful.
Poor Chump,
Jasper
I settle into my blankets and email him back with not only my address, but my phone number as well.
It isn't long before my phone vibrates next to me on my bed. It's an unfamiliar number but I already know who it is. And the one word I read is enough to make me unable to wipe the smile off my face.
Hey.
See you Wednesday!