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Chapter 5

Grissom stares after Catherine for a good five minutes after she's disappeared around the corner at the end of the corridor. In fact, she's probably out of the building, in the car and well on her way to the crime scene by the time he finally pulls himself together and tears his eyes from the now empty doorway that she occupied minutes ago.

Just like that, she slipped the comment in there. And just like that, she ripped open wounds that took months, if not years, to heal.

After Sara left, he made a promise to himself. He wasn't going to get emotionally involved with people again, because then there wouldn't be any risk of getting hurt or hurting someone else. That's the main reason he pulled away from his co-workers. He hasn't even let Catherine or Jim in, and they've been his friends for years. But it's better this way.

When he woke up next to Sara in bed that day, the first feeling that flashed through his mind was guilt, quickly followed by overwhelming disgust with himself. He took advantage of her when she was more vulnerable than he had ever seen her before, used her for his own pleasure. She opened up to him, confided in him, told him about the horror that was her childhood, something he was sure she had never shared with anyone else, and what did he do? He gave in to the urges he'd been fighting since he met her, urges he thought he had under control, but being so close to her tore down all the defenses he'd built up over the years. Could he be any more of a jerk?

So, he slipped out quietly. Tried to not let the disgust he felt with himself eat him up completely, with limited success. And when she wanted to talk about what happened, he told her it was a mistake. Which it was – his mistake. It never should have happened, because he shouldn't have given in. He should have been stronger, should have been able to push his feelings for her down and be there for her the way she needed him to be.

He couldn't blame her for resenting him after that, but he thought they'd get through it, like they had gotten through so much up until that point. They just needed some time. But the time turned into days, weeks, months, and he still didn't know what to do about it, how to try to rebuild the friendship he had reduced to ruins with a few words.

And then she left. She wasn't supposed to leave. That had never been part of any of the scenarios he had imagined. He was supposed to have enough time to figure out what to do.

Then why didn't you follow her? the same little voice he had echoing in his mind back then asks now. Why didn't you give her a reason to stay? She asked you to.

Because she had made her choice. She didn't want to wait around for him anymore, or maybe she finally saw him for what he really was – a middle-aged workaholic with zero social skills and nothing to offer – and he had to accept that. But at the same time as he promised himself not to get emotionally involved again, he also vowed that if Sara ever came back, he wouldn't mess up again.

Only she never came back. And he never got his second chance. Or third, or whatever number he's up to by now.

And over three and a half years later, he still doesn't know what to do about it.

"Gil," Ecklie acknowledges as he enters the break room at the start of shift. Of course, Grissom is still there. Sometimes he wonders if the other man ever goes home these days. He knows for a fact that he's slept on the couch in his office more than once in the last few years, even if he's never caught him at it. Word travels fast around here, after all. Well, that might just change in the not too distant future.

Conrad Ecklie is well aware that most of his subordinates consider him insensitive to the people around him. While that might be true, he's also very perceptive, and likes to think he doesn't miss much of what's going on in his lab. And he's noticed Grissom's behavior over the past three and a half years or so, since Sidle left. He's also pretty sure he knows what led up to her sudden departure. After all, he has access to her personnel file from the San Francisco crime lab, even if that file didn't accompany her application for the position opening up in a couple of weeks, like it normally would. He's not surprised it didn't, seeing as it contained some information that he assumes she wants to keep private for the moment. He also has a pretty good idea that Grissom knows nothing about it. Far be it for him to let the cat out of the bag. It will be much more fun to watch the interaction between the two of them when she comes back, anyway. He'll have front row seats to the whole trainwreck.

"Conrad." Grissom finally looks up from the file he was reading when Ecklie entered the room. "What can I do for you?"

"I just thought I'd drop by and let you know that I've found a replacement for Miller. She'll be here in two weeks," Ecklie says, and Grissom raises an eyebrow.

"Well, it's about time," he replies. "I was starting to wonder if you were going to leave us a man short."

"Don't worry, I have your back," Ecklie tries to suppress the sarcasm in his voice, but some of it comes out anyway.

"I'm sure you do," Grissom huffs. "So, do you have her file? I would prefer to get acquainted with the newest addition to the night shift before she gets here, if you don't mind."

"No introductions necessary," Ecklie drops the already approved application on the table between them and watches as Grissom reads it. He sees the surprise in the other man's eyes when he spots the name. Satisfied with his input, he leaves the room.

Grissom is so focused on the paper in front of him that he doesn't even notice Ecklie leaving the room. He can't seem to look away from the name at the top of the application, his eyes sweeping over the letters over and over again, almost positive he must be seeing things.

Sara Sidle.

She's coming back.

The sound of crinkling paper when his fist closes around the application breaks the semi trance the surprise put him in and jumping to his feet, he hurries out of the break room and down the corridor. He's pretty sure Catherine hasn't left yet, she said something about waiting for DNA results on the case she was working on all shift.

Sure enough, he finds her in the DNA lab where she and Nick seem to be arguing about something or other while Wendy stands by the printer, waiting for the pages being spit out of the machine.

"You knew, didn't you?" he exclaims, much too loud, as he enters the room. Both Catherine and Nick snap to attention while Wendy quietly slips past him and out into the corridor.

"Knew what?" Catherine asks calmly, crossing her arms over her chest, one perfectly plucked eyebrow arching dangerously. Under normal circumstances, he would back off, but not today.

"Don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you." He thrusts the paper at her, and she takes it.

"I guess it's official, then," is her only reply, casual, as she hands the application back to him.

"So, you did know," he concludes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't final until a few days ago," Catherine defends herself, still annoyingly calm. "I talked her into applying for the position, tried to convince Ecklie to approve the transfer, but I had no idea if he would, it's not like they were on the best of terms when she left, and you know how Ecklie can be. Besides, she didn't want anyone else to know."

"Didn't want anyone to… Damn it, Catherine!" He slams his fist against the table, hardly noticing the dull pain that shoots up his arm at the contact with the metal or the fact that he makes Nick jump. Catherine barely blinks, seeming to have anticipated the outburst. "I need to know these things."

"Why?" Catherine shoots back, eyes suddenly flashing. "So you can run away from her? Threaten to quit if she got the position?"

"What? No, I just… I need to be prepared, I can't be caught off guard by Conrad like that." Grissom slumps down in a chair, all the fight going out of him at once and leaving him bone-deep tired.

"Look, boss, we're sorry," Nick says carefully. "She asked us not to tell anyone."

"You knew too?" Grissom asks tiredly, before nodding to himself as realization hits him. "Of course, the conference." He'd considered going himself, when it was announced that it would be held in San Francisco this time. Not because he felt like he needed the seminars or was very interested in the networking opportunities, but for the possibility of seeing her. To be able to feel like he was at least close to her again.

In the end, he'd chickened out, of course. Like he always does where Sara's involved.

"I had to tell him, he was right there when she called to tell me she was applying," Catherine explains, sounding apologetic for the first time. "Look, I'm sorry, but her not wanting anyone to know is really something you need to talk to Sara about when she gets back. I can't speak for her."

"I know. I'm sorry I lashed out at you like that," Grissom apologizes, rubbing his temples where a headache is starting to make itself known.

"It's better than acting like you don't give a damn," she mutters, quietly enough he assumes she didn't mean for him to actually hear her.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, shackles raising again.

"Oh, don't give me that!" she huffs. "You've closed yourself off from all of us since she left, not giving a crap about what's going on around you."

"Catherine, just… don't," he sighs.

"No, you know what, I think I will," she continues. "We've put up with your behavior for long enough now. It's about time you crawled out of that shell and started living again. And you can start with Sara." With that, she flounces out of the room.

"Are you going to go off on me too?" Grissom asks after a moment, looking at Nick, who's leaning against the wall, giving him a look that he would classify as… concerned, probably.

"No, I like having a job," Nick replies with a half-smile, gathering the case file Catherine left behind. "But I would like to say this. The girl deserves a break." With a pointed look, he follows Catherine, leaving Grissom alone with his thoughts.

He knows Catherine's right, of course. He has been distant since Sara left, has been pulling away from the people he used to consider his friends. Maybe he should talk to Catherine, explain why he's been acting like he has. But then he would have to tell her what happened before Sara left, and he's not sure he can do that. He doesn't want her opinion of him to sink any lower than it apparently already has.

Sighing again, he leaves the DNA lab and goes back to his office where he slumps down on the couch, throwing an arm over his face to shut out the lights in the corridor.

He promised himself that he wouldn't mess up again if Sara ever came back. Now that she is, is he prepared to keep that promise to himself?

Yes, he realizes. He's spent too much time denying his feelings, too much time pushing her away for the sake of propriety, and too much time missing her every minute of every day, to mess things up again. If there's even the slightest possibility that she'll give him another chance, he's not going to waste it.

"He knows," is the first thing Catherine says when Sara picks up the phone.

"Knows what exactly?" she asks, feeling panic rise in her chest. She asked Jill not to send her personnel file to Vegas along with the application, because she didn't want him to find out about Shelby from a piece of paper, and it's not like they needed her work history or anything. But maybe she still did. Or maybe Ecklie got the complete file from the system and decided to interfere. She wouldn't put it past him, the petty, petty little man.

"Oh, no, not that," Catherine assures her. "He knows you're coming back, and he's not happy."

"He doesn't want me there," Sara replies, her heart dropping into her stomach. She had thought about that possibility, of course, but apparently, hope never dies.

"No, he's mostly pissed at me for not giving him a heads up before Ecklie told him," Catherine says, sounding annoyed. "I think that was the first time I've seen him show any kind of emotion since you left."

"Is that a good thing?" Sara asks.

"I hope so, I really do."