Brittany Pierce was going to ask Santana Lopez to marry her. She'd known it since she was 14 years old, but now, she really knew it, and knew it was really happening. In truth, she'd been thinking about it seriously since Christmas, when they went to Lima and Santana slotted back into the Pierce family effortlessly, when Santana had been rebuked by her own family and later confessed her fears that if she lost Brittany, she'd truly be all alone. Brittany wanted Santana to know, finally, without doubt, that she was hers forever, and to know in the same way, that she was Brittany's forever, to have and to hold and to love and be kept safe and always wanted.
She'd thought about it so much, when she should do it and how she should do it and what it should be like, needing it to be the most perfect thing for Santana, for the most perfect person in her life, who thought she deserved absolutely nothing but truly deserved everything. Many a night after she'd settled Santana, Brittany laid awake and thought about it, making up fantasy plans in her head and plans that were as simple as asking Santana to marry her when they woke up the next morning. She spent months looking at rings, bands and diamonds and shapes and sizes, all things she didn't know could be so complicated, until finally, she selected one, tucking the box deep inside her winter coat, just in case.
She knew she was going to do it, but she just didn't know when. They had amazing times and awful times and lately, it had seemed like one rough day after another for Santana, what with the anniversary and their arguing and the sleepless nights that followed as they tried to readjust. But now, they talked about their emotions more freely than ever and it was clear that their emotional understanding of each other had only deepened. They'd fallen into a steady rhythm, their little life in Manhattan, and Brittany's want to ask Santana to marry her only grew, until she actually was doing research, trying to plan something, formulating realistic ideas in her head.
First, however, she had to ask Santana - not about marriage, but about the trip, making sure she wanted to go and taking Santana somewhere new wouldn't freak her out. She'd been okay in Lima, but even that was familiar territory, and they really only went to familiar places in the city and returned each night to the safety of their bed. Brittany knew if the idea made Santana anxious, she would come up with a different plan, knowing that really, the plan around the question didn't matter as much as the question itself.
Finally, as summer was drawing to a close, Brittany brought up the idea while they were taking a bath, Santana relaxed against her chest in the warm water, their bodies warm and probably pruning from the water. Their entire night had been slow and cozy and intimate, their conversations ebbing and flowing into a comfortable silence until Brittany broke it with a soft voice. "What do you think about going away for a few days?" She wondered innocently, "Like a little mini vacation, before your semester starts and dance picks up again?"
For Santana, it had been a period of readjustment. The horrible day of the anniversary and the aftermath of her own behavior towards Brittany. their need to talk about it and the new emotions that had brought up, had been very emotionally taxing for her. Therapy had continued to uncover new layers of pain in her life that she wasn't always ready to connect with and accept, and they weren't always connected to the rape. She had spent the past couple of weeks just trying to get herself back on even footing, to truly let herself feel and accept Brittany's unconditional love and support and freely offered affection. And slowly, she was starting to feel safe in it again, to feel that instead of standing still or scuttling backward in her progress, she could start to inch forward again.
Her summer classes had ended, and Santana had a couple of weeks break before her new semester and her internship started. It was the final semester before graduation, and she was nervous about this as well as the internship. It would be another big transition, first with the internship, then with ending school, a place she felt competent and safe, to begin the search and new lifestyle of a full time job. Santana still wasn't quite sure she was ready for that, if it would let her have the same lulled security of strictly academics and interactions as a student, but it was life moving forward, and she knew she would have to go with it.
This evening, she had tried to let some of this go, eagerly accepting when Brittany suggested a bath together. Santana loved showers together, but she loved baths even more. At one point last year, she had stopped taking them; it felt like too much exposure, too much vulnerability for her body to be naked for such a long time. But Brittany had gently coaxed her back into it, always accompanying her, and now Santana enjoyed baths again, although always with Brittany there to make it that much better and safer than if she had been alone.
She had been sitting on Brittany's legs, her head heavy against her shoulder, her hair floating in the water as she let her body sink in the water up to her shoulders. When Brittany asked her question, she lifted her head to look up at her, taking a moment to process the question.
"A vacation? Like to where?"
They hadn't been anywhere since Christmas at Lima, and although Santana wouldn't be opposed to going to see Brittany's family again, it was an odd time of year to do it. She couldn't think of where else Brittany might be thinking; she certainly hadn't been anywhere else very far away any time recently.
Brittany met Santana's eyes when she looked up, her gaze questioning. She knew a vacation was almost an exaggeration to what she meant, and even still- a vacation of any kind for them basically didn't exist with the exception of going to visit Brittany's family during the holidays. Anything else seemed too foreign, to intentional of a disruption of their routine that they never even really considered it. A proper vacation, like one involving a plane or a resort full or people or an unordinary schedule would do the opposite of relax Santana, and just because she was able to go on planes didn't mean it had become an easy thing for her. So Brittany understood the question in her expression, and the question she voiced to her.
Shrugging, she said, "I don't know, maybe upstate New York? We could rent a car and drive instead of having to fly anywhere."
Brittany knew that mattered, if they'd have to go through the entire airport/airplane situation to reach their destination, something that made the idea exponentially more stressful to Santana. Brittany, while she'd done research, had only really gotten halfway, knowing she had to feel Santana out, see what she was willing to do and what sounded good to her before pulling the trigger on any Airbnb. Knowing Santana as well as she did, she had an idea of some of the things she would like and what kind of trip would make her the most comfortable, but it was equally important to her to verify with Santana, lest she discover something she hadn't previously thought of.
"I don't want to go to Lima, at least not right now," She elaborated. "I love my family and I know they'd love to see us but we've been there like, a hundred times," Brittany pointed out. "And I don't count sleeping in my childhood bedroom and having my mom fawn all over us as a vacation," She grinned - she loved going home, but going home was decidedly not a vacation for her and Santana, more so an event that involved every member of the Pierce family, although Brittany knew Santana had no problem with that and thoroughly loved all the attention Brittany's family gave her. "I want it to be about us, just us, y'know?" She smiled, her hand finding Santana's lower back under the water. "What do you think?"
Santana processed Brittany's answer, her brow furrowing slightly as she thought about it. Upstate New York...driving part would be okay. Santana didn't have a problem with driving, though she rarely did it anymore. She wouldn't mind going to Lima- she always loved going to see Brittany's family, as Brittany knew, and would see that as a vacation far more than Brittany herself did. But she could also understand Brittany's desire to have time just for them.
Continuing to think about it, she absently pulled one of Brittany's arms around her waist, more securely circling her. As Brittany's other hand touched her lower back, giving further support, she continued to think through the idea of it.
She wasn't sure what she thought. For Santana, more information was crucial. She needed concrete plans, steps she could adjust to and memorize and make appropriate preparation for before she could commit to doing it. With this in mind, she asked cautiously, "Where in upstate New York? What are you thinking we could do, where do you think we could stay if it's just us?"
Brittany wrapped her arm around Santana's body under the water, feeling the velvety smooth warmth of her skin relaxed and soft as she leaned against Brittany's own body. She knew Santana needed time to think about it, and, while it would be fun, it was something so far out of their normal routine and day to day, the life they'd built that was so comforting to Santana, a schedule where she always knew what came next, where she was going and when Brittany would pick her up. She knew they'd probably have to have the same structure on vacation, even if they weren't really doing anything, just to give Santana the peace of mind of knowing what came when.
"I don't know, anywhere, really," Brittany shrugged, warm rivulets of bathwater running down her shoulders. "Maybe like a little beach town, or small town. We could get a little cabin or something like that, not stay in a big hotel or anything," Brittany clarified, knowing that the idea of a hotel would keep Santana up at night and with people walking past their door, she'd never be relaxed enough to sleep.
"We can decide what we want to do together, that's the point of vacation," Brittany grinned. "We can pick what we want to do and if we even want to do anything," Brittany explained, knowing the idea of fun and going away just because was foreign to Santana. "We can make a little schedule just like we do at home," Brittany promised, "Even if it's just us, we can look at little things to do in the town or just hang out together." She said, keeping things vague, knowing, truly, she'd do whatever Santana wanted to do to keep her happy.
Santana's eyes drifted to Brittany's chest as she watched her, momentarily distracted by the motion of her shoulders and the water running down them and towards her breasts. She smiled involuntarily before her attention shifted back to Brittany's actual words, her gaze returning to her face. Brittany looked calm and casual, almost deliberately so, and Santana knew that she was probably trying to make herself appear that way specifically for her, to soothe any anxiety she had. God, she loved her for that.
A big hotel was definitely not Santana's style. Thinking of being in a crowded elevator with people and their luggage, waiting in line to check in at the lobby, or a pool full of kids shouting and splashing, made her chest feel tight, an automatic "hell no" rising to her brain. When she thought about a beach, her body felt marginally better; she had always enjoyed swimming and laying out in the sun, but she also couldn't imagine a beach without a ton of people around to see her in a bathing suit.
"Maybe a cabin would be kind of okay," she said cautiously, still thinking it over. "It would be cool to have somewhere to swim. But not with a ton of people around gawking and splashing and being a pain in the ass. So, I don't know, maybe if there's a cabin with a lake or something, but more of a private one? Not like a big public pool or beach?"
She glanced at Brittany, her expression almost apologetic. She felt like she sounded demanding, or like a diva needing specialized requests, When Brittany continued to reassure her, seeming to understand her need for the security of a schedule and knowing what to expect, she relaxed a little more.
"Yeah. Maybe we can do that, I guess. Can we bring Mila? I guess maybe Kurt and Rachel can watch her if we can't. When would we do this?"
Brittany smiled gently when Santana voiced her potential acceptance of a cabin - a "kind of okay" from Santana was a huge step toward something and was definitely better than a flat out no. She nodded along with her observation that it would be nice to have somewhere to swim without a lot of people being there. Brittany agreed wholeheartedly, knowing that if their cabin actually did end up being near a beach, the most they'd probably do is just walk on along the sand in the mornings or at sunset, avoiding the most crowded times and definitely not going there to swim or tan, knowing that was a situation that was far too vulnerable for Santana and too exposing, even just at the risk of creepy men leering at them with their eyes. No, she wanted Santana to be totally at east and comfortable, even if they did a whole lot of nothing during their trip.
"That sounds good, it would be nice to not even be around people, not even when we go outside," Brittany mused, liking the sound of that, the idea of it just being them and nature, instead of backed sidewalks and bright lights and car horns. They truly were living in a behemoth of a city and, for not the first time, Brittany wondered if Santana would fare better in a quieter environment and one that wasn't so jam-packed. She knew, with both of them being so young, it would probably be in their best interest to stay relatively close to a city, but Brittany had often entertained the idea of moving to Brooklyn or a quieter area to give them even more peace.
"I like the idea of it being just us," Brittany reaffirmed, knowing the look Santana gave her was one of almost guilt and wanting to smooth away any apprehension she may have about making requests. She knew that to Santana, any request she made seemed nearly too much to ask, but in reality, the requests she was making weren't big ones at all, and especially not when you took into consideration the trauma she'd suffered. "A lake or pool that's just for us could be cool," Brittany smiled, "We could sit on the dock or go swimming at nighttime," She wiggled a little in the bath, jostling Santana too. "I'm sure Mila could come with us if it's an Airbnb or cabin," She said, "But I'll double check before we book about stuff like that." Brittany reassured. When Santana asked when they would go, Brittany felt a thrill of excitement through her body - it suddenly felt so real to her.
"August? Like, the middle of August, I guess? So we have a few weeks to see where to go but it's still before school starts and things get crazy?" She suggested, knowing, that if it was up to her and realistically possible, they'd go tomorrow. Suddenly, August felt so close and so far away at the same time.
Not being around people definitely sounded good to Santana too. Sometimes she feels like she tries so hard, even in her routine of safety with Brittany, just to be "normal" around people, even strangers she will probably never see again, that she feels exhausted from just seeing people, let alone interacting with them. Being around no one but Brittany sounded amazing to her, no matter where they actually were in the mean time.
Especially not being around people outside. Santana had once enjoyed going for walks or runs on her own, but that had not been the case for over a year now. She didn't dislike being outside, exactly, but it definitely didn't feel anywhere near as safe as being in her apartment with Brittany. Being able to be outside with no other people around would be a genuinely enjoyable thing for her.
Showing more interest, she sat up a little, moving to be able to face Brittany more directly. "Yeah, it could be," she nodded. "I haven't gone swimming in- well, a while." Over a year, of course. It hadn't even been a thought she entertained as a possibility. "Do you think we could find a place that's away from people and still has somewhere to swim? And that lets us bring Mila too?"
She nodded at Brittany's suggestion of the timing. Mid August did sound right. She would need at least that much time to mentally prepare herself, even if they did find a place meeting her ideal description.
"Yeah, that would be okay, I think. Around then. If we did."
Brittany smiled at Santana's enthusiasm and increased comfort in discussing the topic, reaffirmed in her original thought that this was something that really could be good for her if they did it the right way. "You love swimming," Brittany pointed out.
They both hadn't gone swimming in a long time, not having access to a pool in Manhattan even during the summer, and their last vacation together being before Brittany's tour career kicked off. But, long ago, both of them spent basically their entire summers in the Lopez pool and the always-empty Lopez house. Brittany didn't have a pool and Santana's parents somehow were hardly ever home, even in the summer, leaving them free to tan and swim whenever they wanted.
Before Santana had fully come to terms with her sexuality, Brittany had lived for summer, living for the days when it was just the two of them and they weren't where anyone could see them, where Santana was herself and wasn't afraid to kiss her or touch her or get her hair wet underwater or laugh loudly or all the things Brittany loved so much about her but that she hid from the rest of the world. Brittany had known that when they went back to school, everything would be different.
The memory brought a sad smile to her face, thinking about just how far they'd come, but also thinking that and Airbnb that was just-for-them would be just like those summers they spent together at Santana's house. "I think we could," Brittany said, "There's so much more land and space upstate, I'm sure we could find a house with a lake or pool or something." She nodded, encouragingly, "And that allows pets."
She let Santana think about it, smiling when she nodded. "I promise we'll have plenty of time," She swore, knowing what Santana was thinking. She knew she'd need to find an Airbnb and then show Santana, letting her look up the address and surrounding area and whatever else she wanted to make her feel more comfortable about the fact that they were going somewhere new, even if it was private. She'd have to make at least some sort of plan to structure their days, knowing three days of freedom didn't sound as good to Santana as it sounded to the average person, but, of course, she'd have to leave out the most important event.
"It'll be fun," Brittany promised, bringing her hand up to rest against Santana's collarbone, silently checking if her heart was beating nervously-fast based on their conversation. "A vacation is about whatever is most relaxing and fun for you. So we'll make it that way."
Santana did love swimming. Or had, anyway, back when it wasn't a source of discomfort and potential stressors. She had happily spent hours in her pool growing up, even before she met Brittany. It was always a source of joy and entertainment, and the beach was even better on the few occasions she had managed to go on vacation with Brittany's family as a teen. Some of her best and brightest memories were summers with Brittany at her pool, laughing and splashing and riding her back, bare wet skin flush against hers. She remembered how much she had enjoyed applying sunscreen to Brittany's pale skin and smiled thinking about it.
As Brittany added that she was sure they could find a place Santana would like, promising they would have time to make sure it would be comfortable for her, Santana nodded slowly, still considering. She did want to go. She wanted to do this, more badly than she would have expected. But it was also something new, something out of routine, and it made her nervous to think of in spite of Brittany's reassurance.
Covering Brittany's hand on her chest with her own, she gave it a little squeeze. "What if I think it will be okay and we get there and I don't like it?" She doesn't want Brittany to be disappointed or upset by wasted money and effort.
Brittany smiled, leaning forward in the bath to kiss the hand Santana used to cover her own against Santana's chest. "I don't think it'll scare you," Brittany answered honestly, leaning back against the back of the bathtub. "It's about us, if you don't want to swim in the lake or the pool or whatever then we don't, we don't even have to leave the house. We can just cuddle on the couch all day and play with Mila." She said easily, trying to marry Santana's love of scheduling with the reminder that they really did have no obligation to make any plans or do anything at all.
"If you really really don't like it, then we'll road trip back home," Brittany promised, shrugging, "Even if we don't stay long, a road trip is still fun and a change of scenery," She pointed out, knowing that at least getting out of the city for any time at all would be a good thing. "But I think you'll be okay. There won't be people all around us, and it won't be loud when we go outside or try to sleep, and we can go on walks without people bumping into us or having to be on the lookout," Brittany said, pointing out all the things that could be good about their little trip, all the things Santana struggled with in New York - the loud, jarring noises, the rush of people everywhere that made Santana's eyes dart around nervously, the knowledge that they were always crowded in and by other people in some way.
"Don't worry about maybe not liking it," Brittany urged softly, "You don't know yet, you could love it," She prompted, not wanting Santana to already work herself up into guilt and expectations before they even really planned something. "Even if our vacation ends up just being a staycation - " Brittany grinned at the word play, "It will still be fun because the only point is for us to unwind and spend time together and have a break from real life and all the stuff we'll have going on with school and dance. And even if we don't end up going upstate, we can plan a trip to Lima later on, you know you like it there," Brittany pointed out, easily coming up with a solution to a problem that didn't even happen yet. She knew she had an idea for the proposal in her head, one that she wanted to happen, but she also knew it was about Santana and what made her feel most comfortable, and proposing to her in New York City or even Lima wouldn't be a bad thing at all if it came to that.
Santana smiled automatically when Brittany kissed her hand, her faintly concerned expression softening. She leaned back with Brittany, settled into her lap and with her shoulder and side nestled against her chest, Brittany's arm around her waist.
"I just don't want to waste money," Santana explained. "We cuddle on the couch and play with Mila all the time. If we are going to just do that we could stay home. If we do vacation it should be a real vacation."
Which means pushing herself out of her comfort zone. Santana is determined to do it, even if that does feel a little nerve wracking.
She pouted a little when Brittany suggested road tripping home, not liking the idea of giving up and disappointing her. Still, as Brittany continued to describe how different it would be for them to stay somewhere calm and quiet for a while, Santana had to admit it sounded increasingly appealing. She did get so tired sometimes in the city, constantly having to be on guard and wear a face of normalcy to cover anxiety when around people whom didn't know or understand her mental struggles. It would be nice to be able to put that all away and just relax, truly relax.
As Brittany continued to reassure her, affirming that she would be happy with anything they did if it made Santana happy, Santana took a breath, then gave a decisive nod. "Okay. Okay, let's do this."
She snuggled Santana against her when she leaned in, sinking lower into the water. With her foot, she nudged the tap on, pushing it to hot so the bath warmed a little and didn't get too cold before shutting it off again. "It's not about money, Babe," She said softly, but not chastising. She knew the idea of a vacation was almost foreign to Santana and the idea of spending money just because wasn't something she had been exposed to all that much. The Lopezes had been slightly more well off than the Pierces, they always had been, but Brittany knew they weren't the type of family to vacation or really do things unless there was a point.
"It is a real vacation," She reminded, "People go on all kinds of vacations, my parents vacation in like, Columbus sometimes when my mom has to go there for work. It doesn't have to be like a big thing, it can just be something different from our every day life, even just getting out of the city will be nice, and driving there will be nice," Brittany promised, trying to lower the bar she knew Santana was setting for herself in talking about their vacation. Of course, she couldn't tell Santana the true purpose of why she wanted to take her away for the weekend, but along with that, she wanted Santana to be able to have fun and relax, whatever that meant for their activities.
When she nodded, Brittany grinned, wrapping her arms closer around her, giggling at how decisive she was. "You can think about it more," She promised, not wanting Santana to feel guilty if she wavered in her decisions. "We can look at Airbnbs too and see what kinds of things we find and what what we want to do up there," Brittany nodded, scratching Santana's side delicately under the water, promising her that this could be something they did together and Santana could be involved in the planning process of it all and they'd only really move forward when Santana felt good about it.
Yawning, she shifted Santana slightly. "You ready to get out?" She wondered gently. They'd already washed their hair and had taken to cuddling, but Brittany knew soon they'd be cold, and the idea of being wrapped up with Santana in bed was far more enticing than a bath that was getting cold. "We can keep cuddling," She promised, "Just maybe on the couch or in bed," Brittany grinned, leaning down to press a kiss against Santana's mouth.
Santana gave a murmur of content when Brittany warmed the bathwater again, half closing her eyes. She opened them again when Brittany spoke, her eyes shifting up to meet the other woman's.
Brittany's redefining a vacation's meaning is indeed foreign to Santana. Her idea of a vacation had always been the stereotypical definition of the word- a big deal, weekend long exertion costing a lot of money and effort and time. Going somewhere like to the beach or the mountains or getting on a plane and flying somewhere, engaging in activities that were very different from the normal daily schedule. She had never thought of a vacation as possibly being something as simple as going to a new location to engage in more or less a similar routine as usual.
She nodded again when Brittany promised her that she could still think about it and that they would look up possible places. As Brittany scratched her side, she giggled, ticklish, and batted at her hand, but with no real effort to make her stop. If anything, she moved her legs and torso to press herself even more fully against Brittany.
When Brittany asked if she was ready to get out of the tub, Santana rolled her neck, stretching out her arms and wiggling her toes a little. She nodded somewhat lazily, giving Brittany a returning kiss, and reluctantly pulled away from her to stand, offering Brittany a hand to pull her up. Once Brittany was on her feet, Santana wrapped her arms around her again, shivering slightly as water ran down their bodies.
"Ugh. I'm cold. We should invent a thing that is like, a magic tunnel blasting warm air in a circle around you when you get out of the tub so there isn't even one second when you're getting dressed again or drying off where you're cold. Plus it would help dry you off. Let's get on that along with the time machine."
Brittany giggled when Santana reached down a hand to help her, standing up with her and shaking water off of her body, rolling her eyes with a laugh when Santana automatically complained about being cold when they'd hardly been out of the bath a second. It was like clockwork, Santana whining adorably that she was cold the moment they stepped out of the bath, and Brittany shook her head, unfolding a towel and wrapping it around Santana for her, tucking it in over the tops of her breasts before she folded a towel around her own body. "We'll put on comfy pajamas" She promised, wringing her hair out and bending over to unplug the drain, letting the water gurgle out of the bath.
Moving to the sink, she bent down again, getting their leave in condition and brush out of the cabinet and positioning Santana in front of her wordlessly, gathering her hair behind her so it hung down her back as she worked the conditioner through it in a gesture that was so loving, intimate and familiar, Brittany's hands steady as she dragged the brush carefully from root to tip. "This was such a good summer," She mused gently, even though summer wasn't officially over yet. While it had been much of the same for them, their summer had also been special, a time where they could basically hang out solely with each other and not have school and dance interrupting their days.
Santana had also grown in incredible ways this summer, ways neither of them could've predicted even though Brittany always believed in her - this summer, Santana had managed to defy even Brittany's wildest dreams, starting with going to Pride, making love for the first time, having deep conversations, letting Brittany touch her and every small thing in between. Brittany had marveled at every single one. "I'm so proud of you," She confessed quietly.
She kept brushing Santana's hair until it was tangle free, eventually switching spots with her so Santana could do the same to her before they both brushed their teeth, their limbs heavy and relaxed from their bath. "Come on, I already miss cuddling with you," Brittany giggled, guiding Santana by the hand to their bedroom. Running her fingers through her wet hair, Brittany peeled her towel off, hanging it on the back of the door before sliding into bed wearing nothing.
After Brittany wrapped the towel around her, their usual routine an exchange that always made Santana feel secure and cared for, no matter how mundane it might be, Santana hugged herself, letting the towel absorb some of the dampness on her skin. She watched Brittany as she got out the items she needed to help Santana with her hair, a gentle, involuntary smile on her lips. It was always comforting just to look at Brittany, just to watch her little gestures and the grace they carried.
As Brittany worked on her hair, Santana relaxed, leaning back slightly into her gentle, familiar touch. It was a flawless synchronized interaction between them now, a daily ritual that always brought her comfort. As Brittany murmured that they had had a good summer, Santana thought back on it, realizing with some surprise that this was true. She had genuinely had a good summer, far better than she would have thought possible. And for Santana, she had made huge steps. Going to pride, making love, going to Kurt's rehearsal and even using the bathroom in the bar…even surviving the anniversary and having those difficult conversations about their relationship had all been huge steps. Some hadn't been easy, but they had all added up to something wonderful.
Santana glowed, her eyes meeting Brittany's in the mirror quickly, and then dropping as Brittany voiced her pride in her. She didn't respond, but she was proud of herself too.
As Brittany peeled off her towel and got into bed, body bare and inviting to Santana, Santana dropped her own towel, hopping onto the bed with a literal playful bounce beside her. Wiggling until she was fully covering Brittany's body with her own, chest to chest, she rubbed her nose against Brittany's.
"Love you."
***TIME JUMP, 2 weeks***
With summer's end drawing even closer, Brittany didn't waste too much time on putting their vacation planning into action. Realistically, there wasn't much to do other than booking the car and Airbnb, but, as all things with Santana, she handled it meticulously. She rented a car that was small enough but large enough that Santana wouldn't feel too cramped and picked through Airbnb listings until she had a few that she knew Santana would entertain, compiling a list before she sat down with Santana to discuss them and show her, letting her click through each of the photos and ask questions. She'd exclusively selected options that were on the smaller side, one bedroom, open floor plan so that Santana wouldn't be jittery and following Brittany around, enough windows for natural light but not too many and, most importantly, Airbnbs with pools or nearby lakes.
She let Santana have full control over picking the final one, a cute cabin tucked into the woods with a deck and a pool, cozy and secluded, perfect for them to just be. They'd talked about the trip a lot in the coming days, Brittany googling things to do in nearby towns just to have things they could do to form a rough sort of schedule. Even though their Airbnb had a pool, Brittany also looked up the nearest lake in case they wanted to drive to it one day, assigning Santana the task of printing out maps and directions and websites to bring with them even though Brittany could easily look them up on her phone.
And, then, finally, it was the day they were to start their vacation. They'd both packed the night before, Brittany letting Santana bring as many comfort things as she wanted, including the blanket from the couch and multiple of her favorite shirts that were actually just Brittany's shirts. They'd picked up the car earlier that morning, making sure Mila was secure in her carrier and triple checking the apartment was locked before setting off fairly easily, the drive long and winding once they got out of Manhattan, Brittany confidently behind the wheel.
Brittany babbled on and on about each new thing they saw as they drove, fiddled with the radio, and sang to every song she knew the words to. About an hour in, they'd lapsed into a comfortable silence when she reached one hand over, resting it on Santana's thigh where she sat, almost at the edge of the side of her seat to be as close to Brittany as possible. "How do you feel?" She wondered gently, asking a million things at once. "You told me you'd tell me if you needed to stop and get out for a little, remember?" She asked, reminding Santana about the promise she'd made Brittany. The rule for their drive was that there weren't any, and Santana was free to let Brittany know when she needed to stop and get fresh air or wanted more physical contact with Brittany before they kept driving.
For Santana, this variation in her highly engrained and comfortable routine had been quite the challenge. She had spent each day of the last two weeks wrestling with ever changing feelings and never idle thoughts about the vacation. Sometimes she was fully on board, excited and enthusiastic about it. Sometimes she was concerned and had a list of questions and need for preparation to make. And sometimes she was so filled with anxiety she didn't even want to consider it, and almost called off the whole thing.
But Brittany had been patient and thorough with going over her concerns and letting her get full answers and having full control, and eventually the day had come when they were actually on their way. Santana still had the same tired thoughts racing through her mind, but she was sick of them by this point. She already knew all their answers; her mind just refused to let her rest entirely.
What if Mila escaped - they would make absolutely sure that couldn't happen, checking locks and windows before letting her out of the carrier. They would only open doors if she was safely out away. What if the car broke down- Brittany had taken it for a tune up and it was given the okay. They were fully gassed up and in good shape.
What if they got sick, or hurt? Brittany had full directions to the nearest hospital and urgent care and vet, and she had made sure there was both a landline phone and that their cell service was fully functional in the area. What if they hated it- then they could go home, no pressure.
Still, Santana was stiff with anticipation mixed with anxiety as they drove. It helped listening to Brittany sing, but she didn't sing along with her, although she did occasionally smile. She sat as close to Brittany as she could get in their seats, and when Brittany put a hand on her thigh, asking her how she felt, Santana welcomed the contact.
She leaned further towards Brittany, straining the seatbelt, and leaned her head against her shoulder.
"I'm okay," she started, but then, because Brittany had made her promise, admitted, "Nervous though."
Brittany hummed in content when Santana rested her head against her shoulder, returning her right hand to the wheel now that Santana had made contact and she wouldn't break it. Santana had been quiet for most of the drive, and Brittany knew, undoubtedly, she was turning things over in her mind, reviewing everything they'd gone over together. It didn't surprise Brittany, this level of anxiety that Santana had about the trip, but she hoped once they got there, at least, Santana would be able to ease into it and enjoy the vacation as it happened.
"Okay," Brittany said softly, turning her head to kiss Santana's hair, her eyes focused on the road as she did so. "Do you want to talk about why you're nervous?" Brittany wondered, giving Santana the opportunity to vocalize why she was so worried, which sometimes did help, being able to hear her thoughts out loud and talk through the solutions they had for them, rather than being trapped in her own mind. "I know you're stressed," Brittany empathized softly, grateful the radio had been on a low volume while they were in the car, giving them the chance to speak freely without having to turn it down.
"But I really think when we get there, you'll like it," Brittany promised, knowing her own reassurance and confidence helped calm Santana. "If I didn't think that you'd like it or if I thought that you'd be upset the whole time, I'd never bring you," She said honestly, knowing Santana believed her, knowing that, above all, Santana trusted that Brittany always researched, always double checked, always thought about Santana's best interest before really doing anything at all. She always did, even if that meant gently edging Santana out of her comfort zone from time to time to open up her world a little. She knew, truthfully, that Santana would've been happy to stay in the cozy safety of their apartment, but she knew they couldn't live like that forever, and she didn't want that to be Santana's life forever.
Santana's lips twitched into an automatic smile as Brittany kissed her head. She snuggled closer to her, feeling a measure of some relief as Brittany reminded her that she was there and paying attention, that she cared and would listen, no matter how many times Santana had to say the same thing over and over.
"No,'" she decided after a few moments, shaking her head against Brittany's shoulder. "I already know all the answers. I'm just worried, it's just new. I'm not good with new."
She smiled a little more as Brittany continued to reassure her. She knew this was true. Brittany would never take her anywhere that she thought would be bad for her, or let her stay if Santana was overly stressed. It would be okay. Maybe it would even be good.
"I know," she said softly, moving her head to give Brittany's shoulder a kiss. "Thanks. How long will it be again?"
She could read the screen on Brittany's phone fine but asked anyway.
Brittany nodded gently as Santana spoke, knowing she'd be able to feel the movement of her head from where Santana's head rested tucked on her shoulder. She quietly thrilled at the way Santana so openly could talk about herself in that way, about what she struggled with and the way she processed things, speaking freely and without apprehension. It was true, what Santana was saying, but the fact that Santana could so freely address it and recognize her own emotions was nothing short of a miracle to Brittany.
"You're not bad with new," Brittany said, reframing her thought process gently. "I actually think you're really good at new, considering everything," She pointed out, truly meaning what she said even though Santana honestly did not have that much exposure to new things- something they were both actively conscious about. "Just because you need time to warm up to things or like to know everything about a place doesn't mean you're not good with new things," She promised, "New things make everyone a little bit nervous," She said.
Grinning when Santana kissed her shoulder, Brittany felt herself blush, heat blooming across her cheeks. "Um, less than an hour, I think," She said, her eyes flicking down to her phone to make sure that she was correct in giving Santana that answer. Overall, the drive had been painless, nice to be alone with Santana in a car instead of flying somewhere, knowing that would be a stress inducing experience for both of them. The drive gave them time to be together, time for Santana to prepare for the idea of starting their vacation and going somewhere unknown. The car ride was winding and long, and they were in no rush to jump into anything or get anything started. It was the perfect start to a vacation, Brittany thought to herself as she continued to drive.
Santana fell silent beside her as they continued following the navigation, and she was so quiet Brittany almost thought that she'd fallen asleep. She knew she hadn't, though, likely just absorbing the contact of her head on Brittany's shoulder, sorting through her own thoughts and quietly reveling in the silence of them just being together. Brittany hummed and sang occasionally, quietly, not feeling any pressure to fill the silence as their drive continued.
Finally, the roads became smaller, a little more windy, signaling to Brittany that they were probably close to their Airbnb, tucked quietly off a small road. The driveway, when they pulled in, was long and winding, the property set back from the road itself, leading to a quaint, cute cabin that appeared to match the Airbnb image exactly, Brittany realized with relief.
Santana pouted slightly, scrunching up her nose and rolling her eyes at Brittany's countering her declaration of being "bad at new things." She doesn't for a second believe her, no matter what Brittany thinks. She has never liked change, never wanted to be out of knowing what will happen in her day or her life. She likes control. She likes routine. She likes being secure in the knowledge of what to expect, always, and part of her fear as a teenager over coming out had been due to this understanding that she would lose quite a bit of control.
"You're not nervous about new things," she pointed out to Brittany. "You always just seem to roll with it and have fun. You get excited about them. You're just saying that to make me feel like I'm normal or something."
The rest of the drive was almost calming to Santana, the blur of scenery becoming lulling to her as the amount of traffic lights, cars, and businesses became less and less, and the number of trees, fields, and natural phenonema became greater. Although Brittany wasn't playing music on the radio, she did sing occasionally in the absent, content manner that Santana had always loved to hear. She did almost doze off until she felt the car slow, the rocks beneath the dirt road jostling her slightly.
Lifting her head, Santana squinted, sitting up, and rolled her neck, popping its muscles. The cabin before them, she was grateful to see, looked just like it had online, at least on the outside, and so did the area around it.
"This is is?" she asked, making sure, before saying more definitively, "This is it."
Still, she hesitated a moment before unbuckling her seatbelt and getting out of the car. Even before getting out any of their belongings, she immediately went around to Brittany's side of the car and reached for her hand.
Brittany smirked when she felt Santana scrunch her nose. If possible, Brittany would give Santana all the control in the world about everything- she'd let her pick and choose and control ever part of her life if she could, just to give her the peace of mind that she was safe and in charge and nothing could catch her by surprise. She hated the fact that she couldn't, even though she knew that wish was futile.
"Normal doesn't exist," Brittany rolled her eyes. "And everyone is nervous about new things." She insisted, "Even if people are just a little bit nervous, they're still nervous. For example, I'm nervous the Airbnb won't match the pictures online or if something breaks I don't know how to fix it because I don't live there. Or I was nervous that the car would break or something." Brittany shrugged, glancing at Santana out of her peripheral, wanting to make sure sharing her nerves wasn't making Santana even more nervous. "But I'm not that nervous because we can fix all those things. We can get a hotel if we have to- which we don't- or we can call someone if something happens with the car." She explained, "So I'm nervous about all those things because you don't really know what you're walking into on vacation, but at the end of the day we'll still be safe and okay and things can be fixed."
Brittany knew the difference in her and Santana's nerves was that things going wrong, to Santana, were automatically more dire and scary than they were to Brittany, because things going wrong were outside of Santana's plan and what she'd prepared for, and small, inconsequential changes often set forth a volley of fear and negativity inside Santana. Brittany was constantly torn with wanting to give her as much control as she possibly could while also gently edging her out of her comfort zone and putting her in safe situations where she could ease Santana into being more flexible when things happened unexpectedly.
When Santana sat up, she glanced over to her, doing a brief check of how Santana looked physically before focusing back on the road, not wanting to miss the turn of the driveway. Blessedly, the Airbnb did look exactly like the photos online. "This is it," She echoed Santana's statement, turning her wrist and cutting the engine, "It looks so cute," She grinned, wiggling in her seat a little. She was excited, but she especially wanted to show Santana that she was excited, hoping some of that excitement would placate Santana's nerves.
Brittany unclicked her seatbelt and got out too, intending to go around to Santana's side and open her door. Santana was faster though, meeting her halfway at the front of the car - she was nervous, Brittany realized. She opened her arm immediately when Santana reached for her, instead pulling Santana into her body, her arm around her shoulder blades. "This is cool," Brittany smiled, looking around them at all the greenery, the trees, flowers and open sky. Distantly, she heard the lapping of water somewhere, but knew that was something they could check out later. Rubbing Santana's arm with the hand that was around her, she kissed her temple. "Why don't we look around inside for a little and see everything, and then we can come back out for our stuff?" She suggested, wanting to move slowly and patiently, giving Santana time to observe everything around her.
Santana's eyes lifted up to watch Brittany's expression, unsure if she was truly expressing what she felt or just trying to make her feel better about her own anxiety. Brittany being nervous about going on the trip was a new idea to her, and one that didn't seem to fit with her perception of who Brittany was. She let this roll around in her mind, not quite certain how she wanted to respond. Eventually she shrugged one shoulder, exhaling.
"Okay, if you say so. I guess."
As Brittany turned to Santana when Santana met her on her side the car, wrapping an arm around her, Santana pressed herself closer into Brittany's side, letting her head briefly rest against Brittany's. Her heart was beginning to beat faster, but some of Brittany's energy and excitement was rubbing off onto her as well, and she felt a faint thrill of anticipation laced not just with anxiety, but also some excitement of her own run through her.
She stayed close against Brittany, taking her time in observing what she could from outside the cabin. Slowly she let her head turn, noticing the rustic but still neat and charming look of the cabin, the large covered porch with stone steps at its front, complete with a porch swing and rocking chairs, like some old timey Little House on the Prairie setting, but slightly more updated. She decided that the wildflower patches scattered about were sort of pretty, and she liked the planted sunflowers growing up towards the cabin's front windows. The sky was a pure blue with hardly any clouds, and the weather was nearly perfect, neither cold nor hot.
"Okay," she said finally to Brittany's suggestion of looking inside the cabin, finally ready to make a decision. Her hand grasped for Brittany's, lacing their fingers together, and she let her take the lead to the cabin's porch.
Brittany stood there with her, taking in their surroundings and also watching Santana take in their surroundings, watching where her eyes traveled and following along. It wasn't the first time Brittany wished she could see things through Santana's eyes, to specifically witness how she viewed the world and what she thought about certain things. In a way, Brittany could view the world through Santana's eyes because Santana was always so shamelessly transparent and honest with her, but sometimes, she still wished to witness every little thing.
She followed Santana's gaze to the cabin, her eyes flicking back to watch Santana's face as her eyes scanned the cabin and surrounding area, hoping Santana liked it, even though it looked exactly like the photos they'd both looked at for hours and decided on together. Even Brittany had to admit that seeing it in person was slightly different than in photos, jarring almost, to see that it was real after seeing it only on their computer screen.
Ever patient, she waited until Santana agreed to go see it, taking her hand confidently, glancing to her face again to clock her expression, making sure she was okay before guiding them up the little steps, her own eyes looking across every detail. "Aw, look at him," Brittany pointed as she stepped up to the door, pointing down at a little rabbit lawn decoration that was placed beside the door. The sight of the little sculpture made her grin as she pulled out her phone with her freehand to scan back in her email to look at the details and get the entry code for the keypad on the door. "Do you remember the code?" She asked, knowing Santana absolutely did know it off the top of her head, having caught her mumbling it to herself to memorize it.
She glanced down at her email, making sure Santana was right, which she was, before putting her phone away, tapping in the code on the door and grinning when it turned green. Confidently, she pushed the door open, stepping in first, doing a quick glance around to make sure everything was as it should be. The Airbnb was, for all intents and purposes, very small, just a cozy living room and couch, an open floor plan kitchen, and two doors, one leading to the bathroom and one to the bedroom, both right off the living room. Brittany had been intentional when searching, looking for as small a space as she could find. She and Santana didn't need a lot of space to begin with, and Brittany had looked for something where Santana wouldn't have to be nervous that Brittany was too far or that she couldn't see her or that there was any danger lurking in extra rooms.
"I like it," Brittany stated truthfully as Santana stepped in beside her, reaching back to pull the door shut behind her. Gently, she tugged Santana further into the living room, so that they could see more of the cabin, almost all of it at that point. "What do you think?" She wondered gently, moving to stand behind Santana, her arms coming to wrap around her waist, her chin resting on her shoulder.
Santana's lips twitched into a smile as she noticed the rabbit sculpture Brittany had pointed out by the door. It was standing on its hind legs and reminded her of paintings out of the old Peter Rabbit books she had been uninterested in hearing her kindergarten teacher read. She suspected that little Brittany had found them far more charming, given her love for all creatures.
"I'm just glad they don't have flamingos on the lawn. Do you think they have rubber duckies in the tub?"
She knew they didn't, or at least the picture online hadn't shown any. Still, she feels the need to try to be light, to show Brittany how okay she can be. She wants to be for her.
Of course she remembered the code. She had memorized it three days earlier and had intermittently mumbled it to herself as reassurance on the drive up. Still, she held her breath, worried it would somehow not work until the light flashed green and Brittany led her inside.
Staying close behind her, Santana scrutinized the small but comfortable layout of the cabin, carefully checking for any place that seemed too much, too open, or suspicious in some way. But it seemed neat and clean, and the bed and bathroom doors are ajar enough for her to see slightly inside. They too seem as shown online.
"It seems like it did online," she said quietly, leaning back into Brittany's arms. "I think I like it."
She let her hold her for a few moments before pulling back, grasping her hand. "Come check the rooms with me."
Not until she was certain, checking the closet, under the bed, behind both doors, and in the tub for any intruders, and finding the place empty, did she fully breathe out in relief. "Okay, now I like it."
Brittany grinned, her arms snug around Santana's ribs, content in the way Santana relaxed into her. Santana small voice of approval was enough - it was leaps and bounds further than anything she would've thought Santana capable of mere months ago, when it had seemed like there was nothing but hurdles in their future. Standing there with her, feeling Santana warm and relaxed and trusting, made Brittany envision their future - one that was even better for Santana than the life they were living then. She felt a shiver down her spine, remembering why they were really there, what she, Brittany, was really there to do. She'd tried not to think about it too much, to get too excited or risk giving it away too much. Swallowing, she forced herself to think of something else, even though thoughts of her secret had been occupying her mind for weeks.
Taking Santana's hand, Brittany let her lead, trailing behind as Santana explored the place. She stayed out of her way, sitting on the bed while Santana ducked her head underneath it and peered in the closet, testing the windows to make sure they were locked. She always remained out of the way, patiently letting Santana touch and see and put things to the test while still remaining close enough for Santana to know she was there and reach for her if needed. In the bathroom, she stood against the wall while Santana checked the bathtub, cabinets and behind the door, silently following her from room to room and letting her do her thing, her eyes following Santana's hands and Santana's own gaze.
In a way, Brittany marveled at it. Santana seemed to know exactly what she needed, exactly what she needed to check and where she needed to see to put herself at ease, and Brittany hardly intervened at all. There were so many times where Santana was upset to the point of not knowing what she needed, not knowing how to calm herself, but that day, Brittany was amazed at how self reliant she was, keenly aware of what she wanted to test to relax herself, moving around the Airbnb stealthily, as if she was working her way down a list, which, Brittany knew, she probably was. "Safe," Brittany agreed when Santana sighed in relief, grinning, still partially in awe of what she'd just witnessed.
"C'mon, we're forgetting the best part," She said, finding Santana's hand again to tug her through the small kitchen to the backdoor, which led out to a deck, which had Brittany's favorite part - a pool. "Ooooh, it's big," Brittany grinned, stepping back out into the sunshine and pulling Santana with her. Already, Brittany was kicking off her shoes, stepping to sit on the edge and dangle her feet in. "I hear the lake too," Brittany observed, pointing somewhere into the trees, knowing that nearby, even though they couldn't see it, a lake lapped at the shore on the other side of the tree line.
Her back and shoulders had lost almost every bit of tension they had carried after Santana had checked out the cabin thoroughly for any sign of intruders, or that an intruder could get in too easily and catch them unawares. Her smile widened in response to Brittany's grin, and she actually giggled, her body lightening still more at Brittany's expression.
Brittany was right. She was safe. This was okay. This was just the two of them, and as new as the place was to her, the experience of alone time with Brittany; was familiar and comforting and always, always safe.
She followed Brittany more readily outside to the pool, her eyes lighting up as she saw for herself its size. PIctures online had not been quite enough to convey it accurately, and she broke into a full grin as she sat beside Brittany, removing her own shoes. Splashing her feet lightly in the water, she shivered at the cold, then kicked some water onto Brittany. She had always loved swimming and water, but it had been over a year since she spent any time in it.
Following Brittany's finger to the lake, she listened, hearing it along with her. "Shit, I don't know what to do first. We left out swimsuits in the car. Should we go unpack?"
She looked down at the water, tempted. "This feels so nice. I kind of want to swim like, right this second. Maybe..."
She looked at Brittany with a threatening grin, finger stretched out as though to push. "Maybe we should!"
Brittany let her eyes roam freely over this new Santana- still very much her Santana, but more relaxed, more free, closer to the girl she once knew who wasn't afraid to be goofy when they were alone, who loved sleeping in and could sleep through the loudest noises instead of now jumping at the most minor of startles. Their vacation had barely begun, and already Brittany could see the effects being out of the city was having on Santana.
Giggling when Santana pitched cold water at her, she wiggled her toes in the pool, swirling her ankles one way, then the other. "It will be nice to be able to swim whenever we want." She observed, thinking of them swimming at night under the stars, hoping the pool wouldn't be too cold. The humidity of late summer would keep it fairly warm, even at night, she was sure. Beaming at Santana's eagerness, Brittany shrugged, "We have all the time in the world," She said, although, really, it was just a long weekend. They did have time in terms of the fact that the loose schedule of events they'd created was just that - loose. They hadn't even made concrete reservations anywhere or anything, Brittany going along with the charade mostly to calm Santana's anxieties.
Laughing harder, she dodged out of the way of Santana's threatening finger, instead catching her wrist and bringing her hand to her lips so she could press a kiss to her fingertip. "If it wasn't for Mila in the car - who is probably sooo mad at us right now, you know I'd throw you right in the pool." Brittany giggled, although they both knew Brittany was utterly serious about the fact that she would've taken them both in, clothes and all. "Plus, we can't let the food go bad," She pointed out. They'd brought most of their food from home, which may have been ridiculous, but Brittany wasn't sure what the grocery store looked like in town and she wasn't sure how Santana would react to unfamiliar labels or things that weren't familiar to her.
Shaking her legs off over the water, Brittany stood, holding her hands down to help Santana too. "We can definitely go swimming," She promised, wanting to keep Santana's childlike excitement exactly as it was. "After we unpack and let Mila out, do you want to swim in the pool or walk down to the lake?" She asked, providing Santana the choice to decide what to do next while also keeping her options narrow, making a plan for their next few hours.
Santana's eyes drifted down to Brittany's bare feet in the water, admiring them. Feet in general were not especially attractive in her opinion- she still called Rachel Hobbit, not just because of her height, but because of her teenage insistence that Rachel surely was hiding hairy toes beneath those knee socks. Brittany's feet, however, were long, slim, and graceful as her legs. Santana let her eyes slide up her legs, continuing to enjoy drinking in the sight of them. She couldn't wait to see even more of them, clad in her bikini- and all the rest of Brittany too.
Santana's dimples flickered into view when Brittany dodged her and grabbed her hand, and the dimples came out in full when the other woman kissed her finger. She brought up her free hand to cup Brittany's, raising her gaze to meet Brittany's as she reluctantly nodded, still smiling at Brittany's threat.
"Ugh, Mila and her diva ways. Maybe we should throw her in the pool."
She was totally kidding and knew Brittany would know it. There was no way she would ever mistreat her beloved cat, no matter how much she might get annoyed by her at times.
Sighing dramatically, she stood, pulling Brittany up along with her. "Fineee. Boring unpacking and let Mila go shred the couch or climb the curtains. And we better set up her litter box too," she reasoned. "Then…" She considered the question Brittany had posed, deciding fairly quickly. "Let's look at the lake before it's dark. I kind of want to walk after being in the car anyway."
Still holding Brittany's hand, she started back with her to the car, getting Mila's carrier. The cat is yowling angrily as she retrieves her and Santana mock hissed back at her.
"Oh I know, we are evil, evil! How dare we take you on vacation instead of boarding you in a kennel surrounded by barking hell hounds, worst moms ever!"
Brittany rolled her eyes with a grin, knowing that despite how much Santana grumbled about Mila playfully, the kitten had Santana wrapped around her finger and also provided a welcome distraction when Santana needed one, which was fairly often. Taking care of an animal that was dependent on them seemed to pull Santana out of her own thoughts, and Brittany had to admit she did a great job caring for Mila. "Looking at the lake sounds good," Brittany agreed, affirming that that's what they would do after they got Mila and the food out of the car.
Grinning at Santana's play hiss, Brittany took two of the bags- the ones with their food and Mila's food, out of the trunk, pushing it shut as Santana held the carrier, following her inside. "I wonder if she'll think this is a whole new world, I mean, for her it is." Brittany grinned, passing Santana to set the bags she was holding in the kitchen as Santana put the little cat carrier down and opened it. Brittany was quick, efficiently putting everything in the fridge, freezer and cabinet depending on where it went, knowing it would help if they always had food in the house and it was familiar food labels at that, just in case.
When she'd finished that task, Brittany made her way into the living room, sitting on the couch and wiggling her feet at Mila and letting the cat paw at her ankles for a little, glancing back to the kitchen to make sure she'd filled up her food bowl and water, wanting to make sure she was okay before they'd left.
"Ready?" She suggested after a bit, glancing to Santana. They'd both been playing with Mila, a simple, distracting task that was something they did all the time at home. Standing up, Brittany stretched a little, feeling the effect of the drive on her body, knowing Santana's idea to walk and get them moving was a good one. She slipped on her shoes where she'd discarded them by the back door near the pool, triple checking that that door was locked- just in case, before she followed Santana out the front door, letting her press the lock on the pinpad and watching her double check, letting her fiddle with the handle and make sure it really was locked. Slipping her hand into Santana's, she squeezed comfortingly, concentrating on the trees for a second until she located the little path, tugging Santana towards it. "There's no way I trust us without a path," She giggled.
Being surrounded by the trees as they walked was enchanting, and Brittany couldn't stop thinking about how different it was from Manhattan, in disbelief about how two places could simultaneously exist on the same planet- one busy and concrete and wild, the other so serene, with nature in full control. It was hard not to skip beside Santana, invigorated by all the signs of life and greenery around them. "This is amazing," She gushed as she walked, swinging their hands between them as the sound of the lake grew closer, Brittany's eyes scanning across everything as if she didn't want to miss one single thing, frequently pointing different things out to Santana, a bird, a cool plant, a rabbit skipping by.
In what seemed like just a few minutes, they could see the trees thinning ahead, the end of the forest. The lake was closer than even Brittany realized, and when they did break out of the tree line, Brittany gasped in delight. The lake was huge and glistening blue, surely because of the sun that shone so brightly on the water, reflecting a million tiny diamonds on its surface. "Beautiful," She whispered.
She probably thinks this is her own personal hell," Santana responded, rolling her eyes playfully back at Brittany as she deposited the cat carrier on the floor of the cabin's interior and opened its latch. "She's been on a car ride where she can't see anything but plastic and bars, it's her personal jail escort, and then we release her into a house that doesn't smell like her house or look like her house or have her cat hair and spit all over everything. Torture, trauma, tragedy!"
As though in agreement, Mila immediately shot out of the carrier and dove under the couch, crouching under it with a yowl in their direction. Santana smirks, but her heart secretly pings for her beloved pet, and she looks towards her with concern as Brittany starts putting up the food.
"It's not really too much for her, is it? Are we being mean to take her somewhere she doesn't know like this?"
She was relieved when Mila emerged partially from under the couch to bat Brittany's feet when Brittany sat. Smirking again to cover her brief flare of anxiety, she readied Mila's water and food bowls and set them where the cat could plainly see, addressing her with no real annoyance.
"Here you are, drama queen. Your servants are still going to meet your every demand."
She sat beside Brittany on the couch, hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder, further reassuring herself with her physical presence as she bent to pet Mila. As she gave herself a little more time to adjust, she was relieved too that Brittany seemed to sense her need for this moment before she asked if she was ready to go.
"Yeah, all ready," she decided, standing and again openly admiring Brittany's body moving fluidly in her stretch. She gave a small stretch of her own, popping her spine, and then followed Brittany outside, giving herself reassurance that she had locked the front door more than once before taking Brittany's hand. Her stomach gave a flutter of nerves as they began to move towards the unfamiliar setting of the lake, and she kept close to Brittany, almost hip to hip, never letting go of her hand.
As they walked, the simple rhythm of their steps and the beauty around them was quickly calming to Santana. She began to even out her breathing in a closer match to Brittany's, and her heartbeat also slowed as she tilted her head back slightly, taking in the simple loveliness of the trees and flowers around them, bright and lush and full. Even the air felt different to her, clean and clear and calm, and she noticed that although it was far quieter than in the city, it wasn't silent. She could hear the songs of birds and the rustle of leaves, the rush of water nearby and the hum of insects. She found herself smiling gently, truly enjoying it.
It warmed her heart when Brittany too showed interest and excitement, pointing out the sights that she wanted Santana to notice, and she was genuinely interested along with her. As they came into the clearing where the lake began, Santana's heart leapt with excitement rather than fear. The lake was so clear and bright it was nearly see through, and as Brittany gasped, Santana's smile broadened into a full on grin.
"This is amazing," she declared, tugging at Brittany's hand excitedly. "And there's not anyone else around? It's really just going to be us? Oh my god, that whole lake and no one else, seriously?"
Brittany shook her head with a grin when Santana voiced her concerns about Mila. "She's good at adjusting," Brittany said, wanting to placate Santana's worries about their cat. "She has us, that's all she really needs, right?" Brittany grinned, glancing to Santana, speaking out Mila but also not really- she was more so speaking about them. They really just needed each other, and they'd be okay. The fact that they were so secluded from the rest of the world in their little cottage only reaffirmed that point further as they walked through the forest. Brittany knew they weren't far from the nearest town, or maybe even the nearest house, but with the vegetation and forest so thick around them, it truly did feel like that.
As they made the short journey, Brittany could feel Santana calming beside her, from the way she listened to her breathing to the way Santana's grip on her hand loosened to a more comfortable hold, her eyes following Brittany's pointing as she noted different things. The world seemed so open and wide, so much room for them to be together, with the pressures of school and work almost nonexistent. It was a life that was ideal, Brittany knew, especially for Santana.
When they broke into the clearing, Santana's enthusiasm rose to meet hers, and Brittany beamed as she tugged on her hand, glancing over to watch Santana's happiness play openly across her features. "I mean, yeah," Brittany giggled, scanning the horizon across from them. Even where she could see other shores of the lake, Brittany couldn't see any houses poking out from the trees, and there weren't even any kayakers or boaters in the lake, she couldn't even hear any motors. "Just us," Brittany repeated, sliding her arm around Santana's waist and pulling her towards her as they took in the beauty of the lake before them. "This is so perfect, I'm so glad we did this," She beamed, speaking into the strands of Santana's hair.
Slipping her hand back into Santana's, Brittany slid her shoes off again, guiding Santana forward until they could dig their toes in the sand at the water's edge, letting the water lap over the tops of their feet and around their ankles. The water was pleasantly warm, soothing, and Brittany cooed contentedly, wiggling her toes in the sand, her thumb absentmindedly rubbing over the back of Santana's knuckles.
"I think I would've taken you someplace like this afterwards," Brittany said softly, her eyes trained on the horizon. They'd both, mutually, discussed how much they'd wished that Brittany had been there in the aftermath of Santana's attack, but Brittany had never told her all the times she'd lain awake at night, thinking about what she would've done differently and how she would've taken care of Santana in a different way, given her different things. Brittany knew her speculations were just those- speculations, and that she could never go back in time to change what had happened. She also knew it was impossible to know just how Santana would've reacted- what she would've pushed back on and what she would've let Brittany do. But still, Brittany had spent time thinking about it, knowing that, above all, it would've been different.
Santana gave Mila a scratch around the chin and cheeks where she knew the cat liked to be petted most, continuing to reassure herself that the feline was as fine as Brittany said. She nodded at Brittany's words, taking them in as the comfort they were intended to be not just towards Mila, but herself. It was true. They didn't need anyone but themselves to truly feel happy and secure in the world. Actually, it was what Santana most preferred.
As Brittany confirmed with a giggle that they truly were alone and secluded, that the lake was going to be used by them and them only, Santana broke into a relieved, almost exhilarated laugh of her own. She leaned into Brittany's half embrace, then turned into her more fully, wrapping both arms around her in a mor exuberant embrace. She breathed in Brittany's scent, briefly burying her face in the curve of her neck and shoulder, and only reluctantly broke away, still firmly entwining their fingers.
"Thank you for bringing me here," she said, eyes aglow with her sincerity. "This is...amazing. I love it."
She followed Brittany forward to the water, squealing when she accidentally let the water touch the toes of her shoes, dampening them. She balanced on one foot, still holding Brittany's hand and swaying a little as she pushed her shoes off, one at a time, with one foot at a time pushing off each shoe. She too enjoyed the sensation of the cool water around her feet and ankles, and her hand relaxed further in Brittany's grasp.
When Brittany told her she would have brought her here, after, Santana's smile slowly faded, her expression solemn. She squeezed Brittany's hand, just a little harder, and let her shoulder come into contact against hers before she replied.
"I think that would have helped," she said softly. "I would have felt safer. I wouldn't have been happy, but I think it would have been easier."
She squeezed Brittany's hand again, giving her silent message that she didn't judge her for her lack of presence, that she forgave her, even as she wished it had been different.
Brittany smiled, ducking her head when Santana thanked her for bringing her there, to their little staycation. It made her heart burst that Santana was already so grateful to her when she didn't even know the true reason that Brittany had brought them there and all that Brittany had in store for their weekend. Santana's bright-eyed smile made Brittany's heart melt, and she was once again reminded how easy Santana was to please with just the smallest things. Santana, above all, was grateful always, something Brittany knew people would be shocked to hear or wouldn't expect from her. But even with the littlest, most menial surprises, Santana had expressed nothing but gratitude since Brittany had first met her.
She felt Santana's body language change slightly at her statement, turning her head to look at her as she edged closer to Brittany so their shoulders touched. Brittany nodded, understanding Santana's statement and silently in awe that she was so easily able to assess the way she would've reacted, and done so in a way that was so calm and level headed. The little moments when they talked about it, although they were few and fleeting, showed Brittany how much progress Santana had really made. It was, slowly, edging closer to something they could talk about without emotions tired to it, although Brittany knew that would be a long ways away and, even still, there was bound to be some emotion involved in such a traumatizing event.
"We could move somewhere that you feel safer," Brittany pointed out gently, looking back toward the water. "I mean, if you want to stay in New York City that's one thing, I do think you'll feel safe there one day," She confirmed, knowing that it would just take time, as all things with Santana usually did. "But it is a lot, even for me. It's a lot of noise, and sights and sounds and people." She observed, wanting Santana to know that she wasn't alone in being overwhelmed by the city. "And for some people they like that," She shrugged, dragging her toes across the sand. "But we could go someplace quieter, maybe not even leaving the city entirely, Brooklyn, or Jersey City, someplace close, but someplace less." Brittany rambled on, speaking out loud, easy and confident about their future. "Not somewhere like Lima, obviously, but a middle ground."
Gazing out at the water, her shoulder still touching Brittany's, Santana considered her words. It wasn't the first time that Brittany had brought up the possibility of moving away from New York City. But it was the first time she had seriously considered the option of doing so. Always before, she had thought of herself as simply stuck in the city, as it being the choice she had made as an adult that she was therefore going to have to live with, like it or not. She had limited money, she was going to school, and she had screwed up her original plans, vague as they had been, to be "famous" or to dance or sing professionally. And when Brittany made it as a back up dancer, Santana's own dreams had felt even less important. Brittany was the one making things happen, making her dreams come true, and she had built her life around supporting and cheering on Brittany in her pursuits.
Santana's current location in New York City was based on feeling there was no other real place to go, at least back when she and Brittany had broken up. It had seemed pointless to move when her school was there, and Rachel and Kurt were there, and it wasn't like she had some dream job she was holding down or aspiring towards anywhere in particular. And after the rape, Santana had felt too frozen and traumatized to consider any kind of change at all. As much as the city could be triggering and anxiety-inducing, it was at the very least familiar, and that had seemed safer than striking out somewhere totally new alone.
But moving somewhere else with Brittany- that had never been an option she had fully considered. As much as Santana struggled with change, she could handle change with Brittany there at her side. There were things she did like about the city, and she did resist the thought of changing schools. But a part of her felt a small surge of hope at the idea, and she continued to consider it, as Brittany tossed forward possible options.
Brooklyn, Jersey City. Santana wasn't sure what she wanted, but for the first time, she was open to considering it.
"Maybe," she said slowly, the words noncommittal, her expression cautious, but when she squeezed Brittany's hand, the firmness of the grasp conveyed to the other girl that she was taking in her words. "Maybe. But right now, we're here. Let's just be here."
Brittany smiled a little as Santana said maybe, long, drawn out and exploratory. She wasn't sure what Santana had in mind for the future, although she was sure it was some form of plan, just to have one, but Brittany liked that she was entertaining the idea of a maybe, of a something, of a place other than New York City without really nailing down a place or discussing it much at all. It made Brittany feel free and grounded at the same time, like she could go anywhere, be anything, but with Santana by her side through it all. It made a shiver of excitement roll up her spine at what was to come for their weekend, of what Santana didn't even see coming.
When Santana urged them to just be there, Brittany laughed, the sound light and happy. Part of it was pride- if Santana of all people was urging them to be in the present instead of thinking about all of the what ifs, than that was the strongest sign of her growth. The other part of her was laughing just to laugh, because in that moment, "You sound like me," Brittany teased her, elbowing her in the ribs gently. "Santana Lopez, urging me to live in the moment," She chirped gleefully, her teasing light and kindhearted. Truthfully, she was nearly prancing with joy next to Santana. This was all going as perfect as Brittany could hope for it to be. Santana hadn't been as anxious as she'd feared she'd be in a new place, and now Brittany was the one who was starting to feel jitters about everything she'd been planning in her head. It was one thing to day dream about it, but definitely another for it to be actually happening. She swallowed hard, rolling up on the balls of her feet and back down to her heels, tugging on Santana's hand, beginning to walk down the shoreline, their feet on the packed sand of the shore.
"You're calmer than I thought you'd be," Brittany said, still grinning as she swung their hands between them. She was taking Santana's advice, staring out over the glittering blue water, the waves occasionally coming up and lapping over their feet and ankles. It was wild for her to think that they lived in New York while a place like this existed so nearby. "What should we do today?" Brittany wondered, leaving it up to Santana to plan what they did next but also willing to step in if needed to give them a plan.
Santana blinked with surprise at Brittany's remark, realizing the truth of it. She did sound like Brittany, and that was so unusual and new that she smiled, then laughed out loud when Brittany elbowed her in the ribs.
"Hey, you're bound to rub off on me eventually," she responded, her voice light and teasing too, holding a trace of sarcasm as she mocked Brittany. "Everything's going to be okay, Santana. The world is a wonderful place, Santana. Just breathe and think about unicorns and warm puppies, Santana. Hey, better you rub off on me than Hum-Elton or Barb-berry Shortcake."
As she followed Brittany's lead, keeping hold of her hand, she let her swing their hands, secretly enjoying the carefree, calming rhythms of their feet on the sand, their hands swinging between them, and the lap of water against the shore. The water was cool but not freezing, and she kicked at it a little when it first covered her feet, as though to kick it away. Still, she didn't squeal or jump back, and the gesture was in play more than sincerity.
As Brittany asked her what they should do, Santana considered. She had not actually thought out a plan for the weekend, which Brittany had repeatedly emphasized was the point, to not have a schedule. She had honestly expected to need a lot longer to adjust and calm down to the new surroundings, and was startled to not actually feel she needed that.
"I don't know," she said honestly, looking over at Brittany. "I thought I would need like, the whole first day just to be calm. But I sort of am already. I like this."
Brittany rolled her eyes at Santana's impression of her. She did sound uncannily like Brittany, to a degree, at least. "The world is a wonderful place, Santana," She parroted back, knowing that, despite all the hardships Santana had been through, Santana believed her. That somehow, despite every awful thing and scorned relationship, Santana's childlike hope was still intact, underneath it all. "Also, I have never said you should think about unicorns or warm puppies," Brittany giggled, "But I'll definitely remember it for next time." Truly, it sounded like something that Rachel would try to use to comfort Santana - always meaning well, but somehow still off base.
As they walked, hands swinging between them, Brittany snuck a few glances at Santana, pleasantly surprised but how at ease she'd become so quickly. Her observation was only furthered by Santana's promise that she was feeling calmer than either of them expected, and Brittany squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I like this too," She promised. Brittany loved this. She would've done anything, gone anywhere, if it meant she could give Santana this feeling of calm. "We can do this more," She reminded, rubbing her thumb over the back of Santana's knuckles. When they were first talking about a trip, it seemed like such a big step, such a big deal, such a big thing to plan, but really, they were barely two hours away from home. If a regular escape from the city was what Santana needed, Brittany would give it to her whenever she wanted.
Not-so-subtly, Brittany waded a little deeper into the lake as they walked along its shore, so the water was lapping at her calves now instead of shallowly over her feet. A few times, she kicked water playfully at Santana, who kicked back with equal force, until Brittany had to let go of her hand and dodge out of a particularly big spray of water, laughing loudly at their new found game. With both hands free now, she cupped her hands in the water, tossing it toward Santana. Santana's aim had always been better though, and by the next toss, Brittany's shirt was soaked. She squealed as the cool water slid down her chest, darkening the material of her t-shirt.
"No fair!," She whined playfully, although she had been the one to start it, and the entire objective of the game was to splash the other one. Brittany's eyes flicked toward the water for another moment, then back to Santana. "Do you want to go swimming?" She asked, grinning. "In our clothes," She clarified, seeing the dumbfounded look on Santana's face at Brittany's idea. Peeling her soaked shirt away from her torso, she grabbed the hem, tugging it up and over her head, leaving her in a sports bra and shorts. She knew Santana was mildly afraid of the ocean, but the lake, in comparison, looked calm. "You don't have to take your shirt off," Brittany promised, holding her hand out to her. "And I'll hold you if you want."
Santana grinned at Brittany as Brittany copied her, trying to hide it by ducking her head, but her dimples were flashing into view. "I'd rather think about coffee and cuddles and you," she said, the words snarky and sassy, but the meaning behind them genuine. That truly was what made Santana's day, what gave her comfort- thinking of Brittany, being with Brittany, warm and safe and accepted in her arms.
Santana looked over at Brittany as Brittany squeezed her hand, promising her that they could have more days like this together, more trips away from home where it was just the two of them, isolated and protected from the world. It wasn't something that Santana had ever considered. Her mind sometimes got stuck on inflexibility, on the routine of how things were rather than how they could be, and as she considered this option, her lips quirked into another small, tentative smile. She liked the idea of it. Even if they didn't move, just being able to get away would help with the pressure of the city that she often felt.
When Brittany started to kick the water at Santana, pulling her deeper into the lake, Santana kicked back with equal and then sharper enthusiasm, using both feet, one at a time, to splash up water at herself just as much as Brittany. She squealed, attempting to dodge Brittany's splashes, sputtering with wordless indignation that was as much for show as real feeling, and shook her hair back behind her shoulders in vain attempt to keep it from getting wet. When Brittany started using her hands to toss the water on her, Santana abandoned herself to outright war, beginning to thrust the water back in the other woman's direction with far more practiced aim. This was a battle to her now, and she was intent on winning. She might be wet, but Brittany was going to get way, way wetter….wanky.
"Ha, you're soaked…wanky!" she crowed, wiggling her eyebrows and looking Brittany's drenched chest over with enjoyment at her success.
She had barely had time to savor her enjoyment of the moment before Brittany was suggesting they swim, then already taking her clothes off before Santana had time to process the idea. Santana stilled, looking at Brittany's mostly unclad frame, then at the water, torn in indecision between joining her and continuing their fun together and the flicker of anxiety that flared through her chest at the idea. When Brittany promised her that she wouldn't have to take off her clothes, she looked around them, although she knew already that there was clearly no one else in sight, and then took at deep breath, nodding assent.
"Okay," she said softly, stepping forward and taking hold of Brittany's hand. "Okay."
Still holding her hand, she waded in closer to her, giving a brief shiver as the water reached her hips. Her clothes were starting to feel uncomfortably heavy in the water, clinging to her legs, and it annoyed her somewhat, made her feel self-conscious about her shape. She kept hold of Brittany's hand, considering whether to remove her pants, and decided not to for the moment.
Brittany wiggled her eyebrows when Santana commented on how soaked she was. "Definitely wanky," She grinned back, wading a little deeper, but not deep enough that Santana wouldn't be able to touch her, turning over her shoulder as Santana stood and contemplated what she wanted to do. Although Brittany had her gaze trained on her, her eyes were gentle and observing, watching Santana's eyes flick around them, trying to make her decision. Brittany would easily go with whatever Santana wanted to do, and if she balked at the idea of swimming entirely, Brittany would wade back out of the water and that would be the end of that.
She knew Santana was wary of water that she couldn't see the bottom of, but she kept her hand out stretched, encouraging. The moment Santana pulled in a deep breath, she beamed, knowing if Santana was taking a deep breath, then it was because she was gearing up to do something. Brittany made an appreciative noise in the back of her throat when she felt the warm weight of Santana's hand in hers, steady and trusting above all else as she waded toward her slowly. Brittany stayed where she was, letting Santana come to her first without guiding her in any deeper yet, her gaze still fixed on Santana, happy and giddy and proud.
When Santana got to be hip deep in the water beside her, Brittany grinned, sliding her arm around her waist. "You did it!" She cheered gently, leaning in to peck Santana's cheek swiftly before she stepped in a little further. "It only feels so cold because we're half in-half out," She promised, guiding Santana with her gently, the water level rising steadily until Brittany could pick her feet up and tread water. It was still shallow enough for her to stand, but she sank in the water up to her shoulders, both hands on Santana's waist over her shirt, making sure she was steady. "I'm going to go under for a sec to wet my hair," Brittany said, bringing one of her hands up to Santana's shoulder before she dunked her head, tilting it back so that her blonde hair stayed off her face, clinging to her shoulders in darker clumps as she stood up again, turning to Santana, her eyes sparkling and bright, "Are you okay this deep or do you want to go back a little?" She asked, rubbing Santana's side through the fabric of her clothes in the water.
Santana smiled as Brittany kissed her cheek, her dimples coming into view briefly. Staying close to her, slipping her own arm around Brittany's waist, she watched Brittany dunk under, her face bright and seeming to shimmer with the damp beads of water dripping down her face when she reemerged. Santana considered, still not sure she wants her hair or face wet, but then took another deep breath, making a sudden and resolute decision.
She had come here to do new things, to enjoy herself with Brittany, and to push herself too. No one was around. She was safe. She was with Brittany, and she wanted to have fun with her, to do the things that Brittany did.
"I'm okay," she reassured her. "Actually, I'm going under too."
Before she could psyche herself out too much, she took a deep breath, then, one hand grasping onto Brittany's arm to support herself, ducked her full body under as well. She popped up almost instantly, gasping and wide eyed from the cold, and clutched at Brittany, pulling her close against her body on instinct.
"Jesus, that's fucking cold! I think my nipples could stab someone about now!"
She pulled at her shirt, which was now clinging to her, trying to loosen it and finding the task useless. Looking at Brittany's mostly bare skin, Santana swallowed, considering another very big step.
"You're sure no one is going to come around, right? Like, no one at all, no chance?"
Brittany treaded water easily, even though the water was only up to their ribs and she easily could've stood if she wanted to, her entire body cooler now that she'd put her head under. "I wonder if there's any fish in here," Brittany wondered idly, following it up almost instantly with "I'm sure there probably are but not right here, probably farther out," her glance flickering to Santana's face momentarily.
She knew they'd have to walk back to the cottage eventually to check on Mila, actually unpack and shower, but for the time being, she loved that they were having fun on their little adventure, grinning when Santana said she wanted to go under too, standing up in the water so she could stay still while Santana held onto her, dunking her head quickly. Brittany's hand found Santana's arm when she came out of the water, helping her find her footing again and right herself, positively beaming. Santana had done it so fast without even giving herself time to think it through, and it was a pleasantly impulsive decision, albeit a minor one. It made Brittany giggle, how free and out of character it was for Santana to do something without thinking it all the way through, even if it was something that really had no consequences at all.
Brittany met Santana's eyes instantly when they flashed open, momentarily shocked from the cold and disorientation of being underwater. She happily obliged Santana pulling her closer, pressing her body against Santana's in the water as her arms rested around her neck loosely, laughing out loud at Santana's exclamation of how cold it was. "Ugh but it feels so good," Brittany said, letting her hands brush over Santana's wet hair as she spoke. Already, Brittany was giddy about spending their weekend in the lake and the pool, lazily swimming around like this and holding each other, taking frequent swims to escape the heat.
She felt Santana's hand slide between their bodies to pull at her clinging top, almost forgetting that Santana was wearing a full shirt whereas Brittany was just in her bra and shorts, her top discarded on their shore the second she'd decided to swim. Brittany watched her, her arms still loosely draped around Santana's shoulders, their bodies and legs brushing in the cool water. Her eyebrows rose at Santana's questions, and she glanced the to the shore before she spoke. She knew why Santana was asking, caught off guard that she was asking at all.
"No," Brittany answered honestly. She knew Santana wanted reassurance, and Brittany wanted to give it to her, but she also was never one to swear she was completely sure about something when she really wasn't. Instead, she tried to comfort Santana with the fact that she'd still be okay even if the possibility of something happened. "I don't know how alone we are. I feel like nobody will come around, but there's probably cottages like ours along the lake," She predicted realistically, pointing to the tree line. "Even if we can't see them, I feel like people probably do come here to swim or fish," Brittany said, turning her head to squint at the other horizon. "I don't think anyone will come right now, and I don't think they'll even notice we're here," She reassured her, holding her gaze. "They'll probably just think your bra is a bikini top, and they'll probably be as surprised to see us as we are to see them," Brittany smiled a little, reading between the lines and addressing all the things Santana hadn't said out loud.
"Fish? Eww," Santana wrinkled her nose, the thought not having been one to cross her mind. "But this is a lake, so not the really horrible ones like sharks and jellyfish and piranhas. Just the gross ones that won't actually murder us, right?"
Still pressing her body close to Brittany's as Brittany put her arms around Santana's neck, Santana shivered a little, more so out of anxiety and uncertainty than cold. She's warming up quickly close to Brittany, although her hair is still dripping down her back and shoulders. She considers Brittany's response as carefully as Brittany had given it to her, unsure how comforting she finds the honest reply.
"So...probably not, but they could come by and see us," she repeated slowly. "They could see me in a bra."
The thought was unsettling to her; it would have been unsettling as well for them to see her in a bikini top, but in her bra is even more boundary pushing. But as Santana considered this, genuinely somewhat uncomfortable with the clinginess of the shirt, she thought of how a stranger might react to her in a wet t-shirt. It might actually be more noticeable and draw more attention to her than a bra or bikini top would. Biting her lip, she met Brittany's gaze.
"If someone does come and they see me and I get scared, will you ...hide me? Or get them to leave?"
Her cheeks flushed, somewhat embarrassed to ask, but she does ask, directly,, and she keeps looking into Brittany's eyes.
Brittany nodded as Santana repeated her words, watching her process what Brittany had said "I don't think there will be anyone, it seems like we're alone," Brittany said, motioning to the shoe line. "But I don't know how many houses are around here, or how often people come here." She shrugged. "I don't think anyone will pay attention to you," She said gently, watching hesitation flicker and settle across Santana's face.
She waited patiently while Santana though this through, shifting her weight back and forth in the water patiently until Santana spoke again. "If someone comes I will hide you and I won't let anything happen to you," Brittany said simply, easily parroting back Santana's reassurance. "If someone comes we can walk a little deeper to make sure your boobs are covered and I can get out and bring your shirt to you," She said, not sure if Santana would be worse off if she was alone in the lake or if she had to get out of the water in a bra. "If anyone comes, they're probably either swimming- so they'll be just as wet and in bathing suits, or they're probably going to take a boat out fishing and they won't be on the shore that long, or paying attention to us," She pointed out, dragging her hands down Santana's sides until she could peel the hem of Santana's shirt away from her frame under the water and wriggle her fingers underneath.
"I know you want to take your shirt off," Brittany said out loud, resting her hands on Santana's skin between her body and the shirt, addressing Santana's discomfort out loud. "It'll be okay," She promised, letting her hands tickle higher up until they were right under Santana's bra, her thumb stroking the skin of her ribs, "You can put it back on if you don't like it," Brittany promised, her face so close to Santana's that their temples were nearly touching, holding her gaze deeply. Santana was sucking in deep breaths, and Brittany was momentarily distracted from their conversation because Santana looked so fucking hot like that, her hair wet and slicked off of her face. "I'm right here," She mumbled gently after a beat, knowing Santana wanted reassurance, that she needed to keep hearing things until she decided.
Santana listened to Brittany making a plan for her, reassuring her, and her hesitation waned a little further. As Brittany pressed her hands against Santana's bare skin beneath her shirt, looking her in the eye and promising her, Santana's stomach muscles twitched under her hands, and she shivered slightly.
Her eyes came up to meet Brittany's again as Brittany voiced Santana's desire to take her shirt off, continuing to stroke her fingers over Santana's skin. She shivered again, more in response to her touch than cold or anxiety, and her eyes half closed as she nodded, moving her hands slowly to remove her shirt. Holding it in one hand, she paused before walking back to the shore, throwing it nearby Brittany's shirt. Then, pushing herself further, she quickly shimmied out of her pants before she could give herself too much time to think about it. Now only in bra and underwear, she hurriedly waded back to Brittany, waist level in the water, buoyant by the changes she had just made as she grabbed for Brittany's hands.
"I did it," she marveled, contagious, high pitched excitement in her voice. "Look, I did it[11] !"
She threw herself backward in the water, laughing a little as she moved her arms and legs enough to float on her back. She sank slightly but forced herself back up, treading on her back.
"Brittany, look, I did it!" she repeated again, incredulous as a little kid.
She felt Santana's stomach muscles respond to her touch, letting her fingers drag across her ribs comfortingly, waiting for Santana to either work up the courage or decide that to peel her shirt off would be too much for her. She didn't say anymore, knowing she'd given Santana all of the comfort that she needed and that, as always, she'd let Santana make the decision for herself. Brittany was surprised a decision was being made at all- Santana's own strength coming as a surprise to her, especially in a strange environment where neither of them had been exactly sure how easy, or difficult, Santana's adjustment would be.
When Santana nodded under half-lidded eyes, Brittany laughed, a grin stretching across her face. Before Santana pulled the clinging wet shirt over her head, Brittany darted forward, pressing her lips to Santana's mouth quickly before pulling back so that Santana could pull up the shirt between them. She kept her hands on Santana's waist, comforting and grounding, while Santana peeled it up and over her head. At first, Brittany moved to take it, wanting to let Santana stay in the safety and covering of the water, but was shocked when it was Santana who moved toward the shore. Silently, Brittany followed a few steps, her hand on Santana's lower back as they went, only pausing when the water was shallow, pooling around Brittany's thighs.
She watched Santana carefully as she stepped to the shore, a few steps farther than Brittany, discarding her shirt near the dry one Brittany had peeled off before she'd gotten in. "Wooo!" Brittany cheered from where she stood, clapping her hands a few times. This was the most bare Santana had been in public in a long, long time, and both of them knew it. If wearing shorts to Pride had been a leap, then this was a leap off a cliff, a huge jump, unexpected and, at one point, a jump that had been insurmountable.
Brittany expected Santana to return to her, but, at the last minute, her jaw fell open when Santana pushed down the waistband of her shorts, stepping out of them so quickly. Brittany hadn't thought Santana would take her shirt off, but never in a million years did she think she'd remove her shorts too. But, when Santana turned back to her, she was beaming, and Brittany instantly matched her smile, reaching for her when Santana came back toward her, into the water and practically vibrating from excitement. "You did it!" Brittany parroted back with a laugh, Santana's glee contagious and overflowing, her face lighting up in the childlike way that Brittany loved so much. It was pure pride, Santana felt good about what she'd done, and that made Brittany feel even more uplifted, watching Santana ride the high of her emotions as the waded back out to the deeper water.
She treaded alongside Santana for a few strokes, righting her body until she could feel her feet hitting the sand, wrapping her arms around Santana again. "I can't believe you did that," She said, incredulous, mumbling against Santana's mouth, pressing kisses to her lips. "That was amazing. How does it feel?"
Santana laughed into Brittany's lips, still riding the high of her pride and incredulity of her own bravery. She wrapped her arms around Brittany in a crushing embrace, her bare skin slick and warm against the other girl's, and marveled at the fact that she was doing this out in the open, in public, where someone, anyone, could come by and see. It wasn't likely, sure, but it could happen. A year ago, she couldn't even have risked the possibility of Kurt seeing her in shorts, as much as she knew he would never harm her and would think nothing of it. Today, she's practically nude in a lake, and she is giddy with the flush of the success she had never thought she could accomplish.
For Santana, this is bigger than getting her period, bigger than being back in a relationship with Brittany, bigger than dancing in front of others or even going to Pride. This is as big as having sex with Brittany again for the first time after the assault. This is enormous, and she can't stop laughing and returning Brittany's kisses with frantic, exhilarated enthusiasm, her hands wandering up Brittany's back and sides.
Finally pulling back, breathless, her hair still slicked down her neck and back, face split wide open in her grin, Santana grabbed Brittany's hands in both of hers and squeezed, pulling them up against her heart.
"It feels fucking amazing. It feels like I'm a fucking super hero. Oh my god, this feels so good!"
She tugged at Brittany's hands, pulling her deeper into the water. "Come on, Britt, swim with me!"
Brittany's grin stayed firmly in place as her eyes watched Santana keenly, clocking her abundant joy and happiness while still keeping an eye out for any unexpected flickers of doubt or fear that may appear, even though, to Brittany's delight, she found absolutely none. Body to body in the lake, she felt Santana shiver in excitement, leaning forward to kiss her quickly on the side of her mouth, Santana's mouth still stretched into a grin. Vacation was off to a better start than even Brittany could've ever predicted, and she prayed that this victorious joy would last even after their weekend upstate had come to a close. She hoped it would stick around for other reasons, like, at the end of the weekend, Santana hopefully wearing a ring on her left hand.
She laughed as Santana returned a flurry of kisses, feeling her hands map Brittany's torso in the water. Santana's happy energy was practically buzzing off of her, and it was all too easy for Brittany to get sucked into her infectious joy. She let Santana take her hands, pulling her into her, beaming as Santana described to her how it felt. Hearing Santana explain her emotions in such a way, putting into words how she was feeling, made Brittany feel like a balloon was inflating inside her chest, like she could float away from sheer happiness at any given moment. Santana was always one to downplay her emotions- sadness, joy, anything, so to hear her so freely express her happiness made Brittany's own heart swell.
Grinning, she squeezed Santana's hand, kicking her legs a little as they swam deeper into the water. "I'm so proud of you," Brittany said, knowing Santana knew it but wanting her to hear it. "This is a big deal, and I knew you could do it, but the fact that you did it is really, really important." She said, squeezing her hand again. "We have to celebrate later! Like a little milestone." Brittany said, ignoring the kick up of butterflies in her stomach, knowing that they'd also probably be celebrating something else later. She treaded water beside Santana, the deeper water cool as it slid against her skin.
Santana laughed again, feeling almost drunk with her own excitement in her accomplishment. She can't stop moving, can't stop smiling, and the feeling of the cool water against her bare skin feels deliciously pleasurable in a way that simply showering or bathing hasn't in over a year. Still holding Brittany's hand, she flopped onto her back, attempting to float, but sank quickly, managing to keep her head above water. She laughed at herself, at ease even with this small failure in the moment that in some days, she would beat herself up over. Today, she feels on top of the world, and her lack of wondrous swimming skills isn't going to end that. Santana has always been more of a sunbather on the shore than a swimmer, but she definitely is enjoying the water today.
"What should we do to celebrate?" she wondered, standing up while still holding Brittany's hand. "Got any ideas?"
On impulse, she let go of Brittany's hand and instead jumped onto her back, arms around her neck, legs wrapped around Brittany's waist, and pressed herself close against the skin of Brittany's back, grinning impishly.
"You're the better swimmer. You swim for me today!"
She is briefly reminded of years ago, when they were still in high school, spending summers goofing around at Quinn's pool. Quinn had usually gotten annoyed by the silliness of Brittany and Santana playing with each other, dismissing them as "childish", but childish sometimes meant pure, joyful enjoyment, and that was how Santana felt now.
Brittany kept their hands tethered together, watching in amusement as Santana attempted to float and quickly failed, not bothering to hide her amusement and laughter. Her freehand came up instantly, helping Santana was second nature to her - her palm flat against the small of her back, helping to support her weight in the water and actually help Santana to float for a few seconds before Santana righted herself, standing in the water again. Every few minutes, Brittany glanced to the shoreline, keeping watch. They were happy and laughing and free and Brittany loved all of it, but if someone did happen to approach, she didn't want Santana to be caught off guard by them. Even in the throes of their joy, Brittany felt protective.
Brittany refused to let her face betray anything when Santana asked if she had any ideas about their celebration - she did have ideas, for a very specific, very big celebration that Brittany had been thinking about for months and months. But, Brittany had worked so hard to keep the surprise a surprise and wouldn't let herself spoil it now. "I guess this entire thing is a celebration," Brittany giggled, splashing Santana with a spray of water. "But back at the cabin we can have a cozy movie night," She said, knowing that any celebrations regarding food or treats was out of the question, and besides, there wasn't much that they knew of the surrounding area.
Playfully groaning when Santana pressed herself against Brittany's back, Brittany tickled her feet under the water before she swam out a little further, being careful to keep her torso closer to the surface so she didn't dunk Santana. "I wish we could breathe underwater," She giggled as she swam, "Then we could stay in here forever without getting cold or pruning," Brittany mused, paddling out further slowly, unburdened by the light weight of Santana's body against her back.
[11]
