Chapter 16. Still Not There
Content warning: Contains sexual content which may not be suitable for readers under the age of 18. Includes emotional trauma from PTSD memories.
That evening there was a major rearrangement of the sleeping arrangements. Terry, Bucky, and Steve were put in Nathaniel's room, while Tommy, Nathaniel and Cooper shared the latter's room. Originally Clint said Bucky could stay with Lacey but he demurred, saying it wasn't fair to put that burden on her when it was the first time they had seen each other in person since the one night they spent together almost nine years previous. Terry wasn't happy about sharing a room with the man who made his sister cry so Bucky volunteered to sleep on the couch in the living room. As he settled on the couch with a pillow and blanket, wearing a borrowed pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt he heard someone coming down the stairs. With a sigh he turned, looked at the stairs and was surprised to see Terry.
"Really, I don't mind sleeping on the couch Terry," said Bucky wearily. "I promise to stay here and not go to Lacey's room."
"That's not why I came down," said Terry as he sat on an armchair across from Bucky. "I couldn't sleep. I'm the last person to be angry at you for making Lacey cry. I avoided her for years and when I did see her I treated her like shit. I looked down on my own sister for so many years because I wasn't a good man when I was playing pro football."
Bucky sat up and looked at the man. "Why is that?" he asked.
"Too busy living the high life," said Terry. "Literally. I was an imposter. Terrified of being found out by my teammates, my fans, my coaches ... I acted like I was in control of my career and really I felt that if anyone knew the truth about me my career would be over. My family were a reminder of who I used to be, the guy who just wanted to fit in."
"So what changed?" asked Bucky.
"She met you, got pregnant, had to go on the run from the Russian mob, go into hiding from the CIA and HYDRA...," he paused. "When our mom died and Lacey told me all that she had been facing, alone, I felt ashamed that I had given my entourage more attention than her. So when she called to say Clint left because of losing his family it became my chance to step up and be the man I should have been all along. The fact that for five years I've been her protector made me possessive of her. I'm sorry."
"I wanted to marry her as soon as I found out about Tommy," admitted Bucky. "But I got my arm shot off, I still had activation words implanted in my brain that would turn me into the Winter Soldier, and I was a mess. She told me to go to Wakanda and get fixed first. Then Thanos happened, and the Snap took five years of my life from me. Five years away from her and Tommy. I should have come here with Clint as soon as I could but Steve had something that couldn't wait and I owed him my life. He saved me, Terry."
"Yeah," he replied with understanding. "He told me. Whatever you need to do to finish your obligations just do it. I'll stay with her and Tommy. Then when you're ready I'll step aside and start living my own life."
"You don't have to do that," said Bucky. "Tommy loves you. He told me how you've been helping him train. You can live with us as long as you want. I don't want to come between Lacey and you."
"What about what Lacey wants?" said a woman's voice and they both turned to see Lacey on the stairs. "You two are already deciding what to do with me but haven't asked me what I want."
"Well, what do you want?" asked Bucky. "You're right, you should be part of this conversation."
"I want a normal life," replied Lacey, coming fully into the living room and facing the two men. "One that includes you, and my brother and sister. I want Tommy to go to school and I want to be able to go for a drive without looking behind me all the time to see if I'm being followed. But, you know what? It doesn't matter what I want because until you're completely free none of that can happen. So, I'm still going to be in a holding pattern ... here if they'll have me. If not, then I have to find somewhere else to hide out."
She went to the window, looking outside at the dark. By the position of her shoulders it was obvious she was crying but barely any sound escaped her lips. Bucky stood up and went to her, placing his hand on her back. She turned and buried her face in his chest. He stroked her hair and whispered to her. Terry watched the body language between them and knew both of them felt they had little control over their lives at the moment. They had a couple of days while at the farm but as soon as Bucky turned himself in he would be subject to the legal system. Terry joined them at the window.
"Go to bed," he said quietly. "Hold each other, make love if you want, just be together. The only control you have right now over what's going to happen is between you while you're both here. So take the opportunity to be physically part of each other's life, even if it is just for a couple of days."
He kissed Lacey on the head and patted Bucky on the shoulder then went back upstairs. The couple looked at each other in the dark then Lacey took Bucky's hand and led him up to her room. They stood inside the door for a minute, unsure of themselves, before Lacey put her hand on Bucky's cheek and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him gently. He kissed her in return and held her in his arms. She stepped back and took his prosthetic hand in hers, examining it.
"The arm, is it better than the other one?" she asked.
"Yeah, it's amazing," said Bucky. "I lost almost 40 lbs just by removing the other arm. This feels everything; heat, cold, touch ..."
"Show me," she whispered.
He pulled his T-shirt off and she could see even in the dark that his skin looked almost normal next to the shoulder portion. She ran her fingers over the skin and although it was warm like the rest of him it wasn't unnaturally hot and there was no new scar tissue.
"Does it still hurt?" she asked.
"No, it doesn't hurt any more," he replied. "Neither does my back. They fixed it all."
Hesitantly he placed his hands around her waist and leaned over to kiss her. Her cool hands were on his chest as he ran his right hand under her shirt and up her back. She responded to him by encircling his neck and shoulders with her arms. His hand moved to her breast, making her whimper slightly as he caressed it.
He pulled away slightly. "Are you sure you want to do this? I don't have any protection."
"I do," she said. "I got a 10 year implant late in 2017. At the time I expected you to be here soon. There are also condoms in the drawer, for backup."
He lifted her shirt off then picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Kissing each other fiercely he walked to the bed and laid her on it. As she backed up to the pillows he followed and laid between her legs, putting his full weight on her. With his left hand he gently fondled her breast and although it was cool in temperature it's smooth surface moved effortlessly over her skin. She ran her hand through his hair while gazing at him and he smiled softly in response.
"We don't have to go any further than this," he suggested. "I want you but this, touching you and being close to you is awfully nice."
"It is, isn't it?" She looked away for a moment before looking back at him. "I'm going to take the rest of my clothes off. I do want you but if you want to wait it's okay."
He raised himself to a kneeling position and watched as she got out of bed to disrobe completely. His breath rate increased as she got back on the bed and faced him kneeling. She had changed in the years since they were last together. Her body was heavier and curvier but also more muscular from farm work. Taking note of the changes he reached out again and touched her shoulder then her breasts. Her skin was still soft and by her own breathing he could tell she was aroused. He stepped off the bed and removed his clothing. A soft smile crossed Lacey's face when she saw him nude and she put her hand out to him. With a smile he got back on the bed kneeling, and pulled her into his arms, kissing her fiercely. She responded in kind and pulled him down so he was lying partially on her. Unlike before when he used his artificial arm only to prop up his body while he laid on Lacey, this time he used it fully as he touched and caressed her body with both hands. They kissed deeply between moments of mouthing the sensitive parts of each other's necks and throats. Finally Bucky raised his head and reached for the drawer of the nightstand. He put his hand in and felt around bringing out a vibrator.
"What's this?" he asked, smiling.
"Your replacement," she said, defiantly. "There's been no one since you, Bucky. Just that."
"There's been no one since you either," he admitted, then he put his hand back into the drawer and came out with a condom packet. "While I'm sure your implant works I just want to be sure."
He rolled the condom on and with their eyes gazing into each other he guided himself slowly into her. Like the first time she held her breath a little as he eased himself into her. Then she gasped when he came out before thrusting in again.
"You feel amazing," he whispered softly into her ear before kissing her deeply.
She gave a satisfied moan when he thrust into her again and lifted her hips up into Bucky's. "So do you," she whispered back, as she ran her hands down his back. "You can go harder you know."
"I don't want to hurt you," he said softly. "To be honest I'm afraid to let go. Except for when we were together I was basically celibate. When the Soldier was ordered to breed he wasn't gentle because it wasn't in his nature."
"Do you think that it's still in you?" she asked, as they stopped. "Bucky, he wasn't you. Do you know that Natasha was in the Red Room when you were there? She never spent time with you but she knew about you and how you were as the Soldier. She also knew how you were when you weren't the soldier. You didn't cooperate."
"I don't know if I can stop if I let myself go," he said worriedly. "If I hurt you ..."
"My sweet man," replied Lacey gently. "When we did this before you didn't hesitate. Parts of you are still messed up, aren't they?"
He exhaled suddenly as if he remembered something disturbing, then pulled out and rolled off to the side, sitting quietly for a moment. Pulling the condom off he got up and put it in the garbage. Then he pulled his underwear on and looked at her.
"Yeah, I'm still messed up in places," he said bitterly. "I have more of my memories now and not all of them are good. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe we were a mistake that should never have happened. I'm sorry."
He pulled his sweatpants on, picked up his T-shirt and left her. Sitting up, she was stunned at what had just happened. Quickly, she got dressed and went down the stairs but he wasn't in the living room as the blanket and pillow were gone. She looked out the windows but saw no sign of him outside, realizing he had gone somewhere to be alone. A feeling of anxiety came over her that somehow she had hurt him, enough that he was reconsidering their future. Slowly she went back up the stairs to her room. She looked out the window at the moonlit yard then started to cry and turned away, dropping into the bed and crying into the pillow. From his spot in the shadows at the trunk of a nearby tree Bucky watched as Lacey looked out over the landscape. He watched her start to cry and could hear her continue crying as she got back into bed. He turned away, filled with self loathing at hurting her like that but the sudden memory of something he did as the Winter Soldier had frightened him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Maybe you're better off without me."
He turned and went into the barn, finding an old truck inside. Climbing into the front seat he put the pillow down then covered himself up with the blanket. Sleep didn't come easily but when it did it came with a nightmare of the time he shot Natasha Romanoff through her body to kill the scientist she was trying to save. Natasha's face changed into Tommy's and the scientist's face changed into Lacey's. He woke up shouting and then wept at his cowardly decision to leave Lacey again, perhaps never to come back. Unable to stop the argument in his head he sat up and waited for dawn to wake up Steve and tell him they had to leave. He must have fallen asleep sitting up because Steve's voice beside the truck woke him up, as the other super soldier was standing beside the open window.
"What are you doing in here?" asked Steve. "Lacey said you left suddenly during the night. What happened between you?"
"I'm no good for her," replied Bucky. "We were in bed and somehow the conversation turned to the Winter Soldier and I realized I can't be with her. I'll hurt her at some point so I ended it."
"Are you for real?" demanded Steve. "She has waited for you for so long and you decided within hours that you can't be with her because of the Soldier? Bucky, what the hell. She's devastated. So is Tommy. What were you thinking?"
"I'm no good for her," repeated Bucky. "What I did proves it. Until I know for sure that he's gone for good I can't be with her or Tommy. Better I hurt them now than when they become invested in me."
"They're already invested in you," said Steve, pleading. "Shit, Bucky. Whatever happened to making it right?"
"It's the 21st century," he replied brusquely. "They don't need me. Can we go?"
Steve stood there, his mouth open, not believing what he was hearing. It was the most ungentlemanly thing Bucky had ever done and it shook Steve to the core. Bucky continued to look straight ahead and Steve shook his head.
"I'll get your bag and meet you at the quinjet," he said. "I assume you don't want to see anyone or say goodbye."
Bucky didn't answer and Steve turned around, returning to the house. Bucky got out of the truck, leaving the pillow and blanket where he thought someone would find it. Then he walked to the quinjet and opened the ramp. He heard someone running towards him and turned in time to be bowled over by Tommy, who began hitting him. Bucky didn't defend himself from the boys hits or cries.
"Why did you come back?" he cried, his tears mixed with his anger as he rained blow after blow on Bucky. "Why? You made her cry again, on purpose. You hurt her. You hurt me. You're not my dad. I don't have a dad. I hate you."
As the boy tired out and his blows lessened Bucky took control of his son's hands and sat up, holding Tommy away from him.
"I'm sorry," he said sadly. "I'm no good for either of you. You're better off without me."
Tommy spat at him and it landed on Bucky's cheek. He gently pushed Tommy away and stood up then stepped onto the ramp. Holding his emotions in check as best he could he looked once more at Tommy.
"Take care of your mother," he said, then he turned away and went up the ramp, wiping his cheek with his hand as he struggled not to cry.
When Steve entered the quinjet a few minutes later carrying both his and Bucky's bags he dropped them off at Bucky's feet and looked at him again, shaking his head. Then he closed the ramp and started up the aircraft, lifting it away from the farmyard and into the air. He programmed the course back to the compound and set the autopilot then looked at Bucky again. This time when his friend looked back at him the tears were freely falling down his cheeks. Steve kneeled down and looked Bucky in the eyes.
"Why?" he asked. "The truth now, no bullshit."
Bucky's face was tortured. "We were having sex and the conversation got around to the Winter Soldier and the breeding program. She brought up Natasha's observations about the Soldier and how I was uncooperative when I wasn't the Soldier."
Steve look aghast. "Bucky, you didn't...," he said slowly.
"No, I didn't," he replied quickly. "But what if they didn't get that part of him out of me?" he asked. "What if he's still there? I had a vision of me tying her up and doing unspeakable things to her. What if that's what's left in me? I'm too dangerous to be around her or Tommy."
"Did you tell her this?" asked Steve, desperately. "Did you talk about it?"
"How could I?" said Bucky. "She would think I was some sort of freak. Better she forgets me. She'll get over it. So will Tommy."
"Jesus," said Steve. "That's messed up, Bucky."
"I figured I can talk to my therapist about it once I've been assigned to one," said Bucky. "It's part of my plea deal that I go into therapy for my PTSD. I think this qualifies."
"But I won't be there for you," replied Steve. "You know that. Who else can you confide in? She would have listened if you told her this. You know that too."
Bucky ran his hands through his hair. "Yeah, you're right. There really isn't anyone else I could talk to about this. Maybe Shuri but talking to her about sex isn't something I'm comfortable with. She's just a kid."
He put his face into his hands realizing the extent of his blunder. Not only had he hurt Lacey, Tommy, and himself he had burnt the bridge to the only person who could help him through this. For him it reinforced that he was more of a mess than he originally thought.
Three days later the memorial service for Tony Stark was held. Bucky hoped Lacey would come so he could try to make amends but she didn't show. Clint and his family came but wouldn't even look at Bucky or stand near him. He tried to give Clint a letter to give to her but he ripped it up in front of Bucky, dropping the pieces on the ground. All Bucky could do was stand out of the way and avoid conversation. Shuri approached him when she noticed him standing by himself.
"Sergeant Barnes, why the long face?" she asked kindly.
He fixed a sad gaze on her. "I made a terrible decision," he said. "I told Lacey we were a mistake and she would be better off without me. I left her bed, Shuri. I was afraid the Soldier would hurt her while we were intimate."
She pulled him by the arm so they were away from the others. "What made you do that?"
"A memory of something the Soldier did," he said hesitantly. "I panicked and told her we should never have happened. Then I left."
"You have to apologize," insisted Shuri. "You must go see her."
Bucky looked towards the Bartons. "I don't think Clint will let me come within a mile of his farm."
Shuri followed his gaze and saw the harsh looks he was being given. Sighing, she touched his arm, noticing that he flinched when she did so. It was definitely a sign of regressing and she looked at him with concern.
"Come back to Wakanda," she said. "I will help you get through this."
He shook his head. "I've already made arrangements to turn myself in. If I go back with you it would look like I'm on the run again. Thank you but I have to stay and work this out on my own."
"Then talk with your friend, Steve," she advised. "Don't keep it inside where it will fester and magnify itself. Promise me you will do that much."
He nodded and looked away, signalling his reluctance to talk any further about it. She returned to her brother and when she looked towards Barnes again he was gone. There was one other person she could talk to about it and she made the decision to call Lacey when she had the chance.
Hours later Bucky, Sam, Bruce, and Steve were at the rebuilt time machine, set up outside the destroyed Avengers compound. In the distance they could see the cranes and clean up crews trying to salvage what they could from the debris. Steve was changed into his Captain America uniform and wore the hand control which would transform it into a time travel suit in the quantum realm. As they looked at each other Bucky realized that this was it. The two friends had only just reconnected and now Steve was going, fulfilling what he had shared with Bucky just after they defeated Thanos.
As Steve disappeared from view Bucky bowed his head in acceptance when his best friend didn't return in the time Bruce had estimated. Sam questioned what was wrong as Bruce tried to figure out what happened but Bucky knew Steve wasn't coming back. He turned towards the lake and saw the man, sitting with his back to them. As Sam and Bruce were frantically talking behind him Bucky took several steps towards the stranger.
Bucky called out Sam's name, loud enough to get his attention. The other two men stopped their efforts and looked towards Bucky then noticed the strange man. Sam walked towards Bucky and stood next to him. They both walked towards the man who was seated on a bench overlooking the lake, a round package beside him. Patting Sam on the back Bucky encouraged him to go see the strange man alone. Sam gave him a questioning look which Bucky answered with an encouraging smile. He watched as Sam approached the man and smiled as recognition filled Sam's face when he realized this was Steve, aged many years. When Steve gave Sam the shield, passing on the legacy to him he smiled again, knowing that this was the right thing to do.
As he watched the pair, Bucky recalled the hours after the battle against Thanos, when everyone was still processing the death of Tony Stark, he and Steve sat away from everyone, wanting to talk alone. Clint had already left, after Bucky told him to go back to the farm without him. Steve, his best friend since childhood, told him then that he wanted to return back to the 1940s, seek out Peggy Carter and marry her. Bucky couldn't blame him, knowing how much he had loved her. By his own admission Steve told him how out of touch he felt in these modern times. Steve did ask if he wanted to return with him but Bucky just looked at his prosthetic arm.
"I could never explain this," he replied, lifting his arm up. "How could I face my parents and tell them what I became, what I did? All the psychological damage that was done is better treated in this time as they understand it better. I just don't belong there anymore. It's better that I remain dead to them."
"Then take the shield," said Steve. "Take my place here as Captain America. You have the strength to do it, Buck."
"Maybe," replied Bucky, "but no one would trust a man who was a killer for HYDRA to carry the shield. You know that. I know that. You need to pass it on to someone else, someone that people will trust and look up to."
"Sam Wilson," said Steve, firmly, without hesitation. "Right from the moment I met him I trusted him. He's loyal and he believes in what the shield stands for."
"I don't get along with him, really," joked Bucky, "but you're right. He didn't even know me but he helped because he believed in doing what was right. He's the man for the job."
"What about you, Buck?" asked Steve, concerned. "What will you do?"
"I'll call that lawyer that took my case," he replied. "Tell him I'm ready to turn myself in. I have to stop running, Steve. I have a son that I've never met in person and I want a relationship with him and his mom, whatever that ends up being. After that, I'll find something to do. I'll fit in, somehow."
Immediately after that Bucky called the lawyer and arranged to meet with the FBI after Tony Stark's funeral. In fact, as he looked at his watch while Sam spoke with aged Steve he realized he was due to meet him within the hour. He looked once more at Steve then turned around and headed towards where the clean up crew was salvaging what was left of the Avengers compound. As he waited for the vehicle with the FBI agent who would take him into custody he looked up at the sky, wondering if he would still get to see it if the pardon fell through. The dark SUV approached and Bucky stood taller, determined to have some dignity. It stopped and the single agent got out of the driver's side.
"James Buchanan Barnes?" he asked. "I'm Agent Dan Jones of the FBI. I am here to take you into custody. Your lawyer is already waiting at our offices for you."
"You were the agent who was looking for Lacey Williams' brother," said Bucky. "I recognize your voice."
"You were there at her house, weren't you?" asked Jones. "She told me you didn't show up until after I left. Not that it matters now. If you can give me your word you won't try to escape I won't cuff you. You've been through so much and I learned what HYDRA did to make you compliant."
"You have my word," replied Bucky.
Jones opened the front passenger seat and Bucky got inside. As the agent started the car he looked at Bucky carefully. "It's uncanny how much the boy looks like you," he said. "At least he did before the Blip. I was dust so I couldn't be there to watch over Lacey and your son. My replacement on her file says they came through it okay, in case you were wondering."
Bucky nodded and thanked him. He put the seatbelt on and looked straight ahead. The next part of his life was about to begin. Until he got his legal status settled he couldn't deal with the mess he made of his relationship with Lacey and Tommy. But he would fix it, somehow.
