One hundred. I'll start back at one now. It'll make it easier to keep track. I used to not be able to do so many single-handed pushups, but I'm stronger than I was. I like being strong, but it's not like I can use it yet. I hear my Berserkers far down the hall. They're talking, but I can't make out everything they say. They sound discouraged. How couldn't they? I am too, but I try not to stay that way.
"Have faith," I say loudly enough for them to hear me.
"Chief," Vorg starts to say. I don't think I've ever heard his voice sound so timid. "Are we ever getting out of here?"
"Like I said, have faith, Captain."
I can't tell him that we're definitely getting out, but I need their spirits to stay lifted. If I say too much, one of the Outcasts might hear and then try to get some extra favor from Alvin by telling him. He can't know I still have any hope about things. I'm not sure if what I said made any difference to my vikings, but I'm trying. It's been a year since I've been here and every day has felt like a decade at least. Still, it's not as bad as that first week. Alvin's getting bored with me. He doesn't see the need to attack me these days anymore. He's got other things to do and while he does–like right now–I work out. I start punching the air, imagining where Alvin will be and how fast I'll have to be. This makes me feel a bit queasy for some reason, but I push through. I hear footsteps and stop. The daily beatings have stopped, but the nights haven't.
Alvin comes into the cell and eyes me. There's suspicion on his face and he walks over. I stay where I am despite the temptation to move back. He runs a hand up my right arm and yanks me forward.
"You're getting more muscular," he comments. "Why is that?"
"I didn't think you'd like it if I got to be out of shape."
Alvin doesn't like not being sure about things, so he grabs a handful of my hair from both sides, pulling me even closer to him.
"You aren't thinking about using these new muscles to do anything, are ya?"
"No," I answer.
My breath gets caught as a knee goes into my stomach. Just as it does, he pulls my hair out. A kick goes into my kneecap and I fall to the other one. Alvin's towering over me again and I feel a chill go down my spine for the first time in almost a year. He puts his face to the side of mine so that he can whisper in my ear.
"You said you'd be good."
I need to be careful how I answer. "I'm trying to be. I didn't know you didn't want me to do this. There's nothing else to do here, so I thought I could do this."
"You didn't know?"
Alvin draws back, looking at me like I'm an idiot. Then, he smiles and pats my scarred cheek.
"This is why you could never be a chief. You're too stupid," he tells me.
Forget him and his insults. He can think I'm dumber than a dead dragon if he wants. A lot of vikings do. Everywhere I go, people either treat me like a threat or an idiot–sometimes both. I know the truth. Alvin brings a hand back to my arms.
"You have definitely gotten a lot bigger."
Eh, I'm still not where I want to be, but it's an improvement. He seems to like it which makes me like it less, but I'll like it again when I'm out of here. Alvin gestures for me to stand up.
"Come over here."
I go over to him. I can still see in his face that he's not completely sure if he believes me, so this is all part of his sick test. I'm stronger now, so if I still don't fight, that means he's won. What he doesn't know is that I can tell he's still stronger. I mean, I've always been strong and am even more now, but this guy is still huge. I'm not falling into his trap. It's times like this that let me know that I'm not stupid. I'm cocky, but I try not to let my ego mess me up too much. My hair is getting ruffled, making it even messier than it was before and that's saying something. He's expecting me to slide from under the hand, but I don't. I'm being good, remember, Alvy?
He pushes this further and pulls me into what someone might consider a hug if they look quickly. If they looked longer, they'd see how one hand is keeping me pressed to him while another keeps feeling me up. I remain still, but it's harder this time.
"What would you do if I had the Berserkers moved into the cells across from us?" he asks.
My heart stops. It's not as if they can't imagine what's going on, but they don't need to see. I keep quiet, though. Alvin finally buys it and we start. According to him, I'm broken now, so he doesn't have to be as aggressive anymore. Still, he does like to choke me and once a week or so, he'll pull out some more of my hair just as it tries to grow back in on the sides like he did today. This is one of those days where he is also punching me and I'm wondering if maybe he didn't buy my compliance as much as I thought. No, that look on his face is too peaceful. He's just being a bigger jerk today than usual. He's unpredictable with stuff like that, but it's not every time. It's nothing that does lasting damage. No bones break or anything. I was right about him liking the new muscles. He keeps trailing up and down my arms.
I'm on my back. We always start off with that. My traitorous body rebels against me and he gets his kicks from it each time. I make those sounds he's listening for and about half are real. He's unfortunately had a lot of practice doing this now. Something I haven't been able to stop is the tapping. If it's not my foot, it's my fingers against the floor. It's the latter right now. It feels like a nervous tick. I didn't use to have one, but there's something about being stared down by Alvin as he's on top of me like this that still unsettles me. Maybe me being broken isn't as fake as I like to believe it is. He scares the living yak dung out of me and that's not a lie. Come on, Al. Stop. You normally do by now. Why are you making today so different? Stupid workouts better be worth it soon. Okay, he stopped. Good. Every time he does, I want to just go crawl into the corner of the cell and throw knives through his eyes. Of course, I can't do that. Now, it's his turn.
I'm on my stomach now, so that means it's time to disassociate more. I bet Hiccup knows what's going on. He's probably been talking with Alvin about everything and spreading stories. That little traitor! He'd tell the whole archipelago and I'd be none the wiser until I heard them all laughing at me. It would be different if the roles were reversed. That scrawny Berkian would get broken in half if Alvin ever did this to him. If the smelly Outcast ever even thought about it, he'd have that Night Fury and Stoick the Vast ready to kill him faster than it takes for a good war to be raged. Those cursed Berkians. They're so protective of each other. I should've gotten rid of them sooner–made Hiccup feel small and alone. He even has all those stupid friends of his. Who all is there again? There's Astrid–bleh, she used to never pay him any attention. Probably just likes him because of that dragon and his status now. Those two boys who I can't tell apart. They used to horrify him with all their ideas. The ideas seemed fun to me back then, though. I probably would have made friends with them if Dad wasn't already trying to control everything I did. Never let me hang out, so I was basically just forced to watch like some dragon in a cage. He was such a killjoy, never letting me have any fun. Then, there's Fishy. He reminded me of Hiccup when I first met him. I think it was the brainy part. He was one of the few vikings who wasn't condescending towards me, but he was so scared of everything. A few rotten cod heads later and I was sure he'd be braver for it or at least would try to stop me from force feeding them to him, but he didn't. Weird. Guess he was more of a scaredy yak than I thought.
Still, he somehow is friends with Hiccup too. They do dangerous stuff all the time. How's that fair? Like Snothat. Since when were they buddies? I remember him making fun of Hiccup all the time and who was the one to make him shut up? Dagur. Not Stoick, not the Night Fury, not anybody. Me. I was Hiccup's friend back then when he didn't have anyone. I didn't have anyone either. We just had each other. Two outcasted heirs trying to figure out how to be the best vikings they could be. I thought we were learning about that together and would protect each other, but I was wrong. He doesn't think he needs me now. Well, I don't need him either. He wasn't my friend. He never was. Friends don't lie to each other and try to make the other look bad. He had to know how incompetent that looked for me to not even know that my own friend was lying to me about having a dragon army. Not like the Berserkers respected me as it is. That just made it worse. Even if I hadn't wanted to go after Berk, I would've had to just to keep from looking weak in front of everyone. Friends don't do that, and friends especially don't leave each other to be tortured for the rest of their miserable lives. I knew Hiccup wasn't my friend after discovering that secret. Part of me still thought he was my brother, though.
I mean, brothers get into fights all the time. Sure, sometimes they get a bit more violent. I've even seen brothers kill each other, but it's all part of the challenge! Who's going to kill the other? I love the suspense. He didn't get how this was supposed to work. You don't abandon your brother. You just don't do that. Alvin's still going. This. Brothers don't leave each other to this type of treatment. Even as much as I hate Hiccup and want to slit that skinny throat of his, I'd kill anyone who planned this for him. I don't even know why I care. Maybe because it would be cheating to let this happen. I hate cheaters. I really do. I don't need to break Hiccup like this to get to him. I'll get him through those he loves. Ooh, it's going to be so nice! It didn't even have to be this way, but now I'm going to make his life a living hell. He brought it on himself. Why's this still going on? Just focus on something else, Dagur. Ugh, there's even that big blond guy with the peg leg and hook who cares about Hiccup. He's got everyone on his side. They love him. Who's ever loved me? I'm alone in this. I've always been alone. The Berserkers would leap at the chance to get a new leader, but they're stuck here with me, so there's no chance for that. Lucky me, I guess.
I hate Hiccup's sidekicks and his family. They're so happy and loving and protective. It makes me sick. No one's ever protected me. I remember being a kid and trying to not get killed by Ansson who had to be a good ten years older at least and was quite a warrior. No one ever intervened. I didn't have a me in my life like Hiccup did who'd make sure I didn't get picked on. It was like it is now. I had to find my own way to deal with it. Well, I don't like dealing with it. I just want all the pain and suffering to stop. I want to be chief and for once in my life, I want vikings to respect me. Not like they ever will now. Great, now I'm thinking about this again.
I thought that after a year, this would get easier, but it hasn't. Despite that, doing this gives me food and doesn't give me broken ribs. I play nice and don't try to pull away from Alvin or fight. I keep the glares off my face, make my noises, and kiss back. That's it. He doesn't want any more than that. We have an audience member today. I really hate those. If what's happening isn't bad enough, vikings watching makes it feel like I'm just for everyone's entertainment. The only viking I want in here is Hiccup. I'd jump up and snap his neck. He'd probably have his Night Fury blast me away like a speck of dust being blown if I tried because I haven't endured enough humiliation. I kind of wonder what he would do if he were here, though. Without a doubt, he knows about these visits from Alvin, but maybe it would be different if he saw. Would he care? My brother couldn't just watch this and say nothing. Surely, thinking of it would be different from actually seeing what I'm being put through. He's so soft-hearted, but I guess that might not extend to me. Still, maybe he'd have me transferred to a Berkian cell until I escaped and we got to continue our rivalry. I really want him to. It'd be so easy. He just has to make that short flight from Berk. Just hop on his dragon and bam–he'd arrive. Come through that door, Hiccup, and get me out of here! If we've ever been brothers, you'll help me. I've never needed your help before, but I could really use it now. He's not coming. I'm just depressing myself which is really the last thing I need. I need to stay focused. I'll focus on Hiccup and all the fun ways I'm going to make him pay.
When Alvin is finally done, he licks my cheek and gets up. He does that sometimes. I think it's just to make me grimace. I can't taste good. Then, he puts a cup of water and a plate of stale bread on the floor for me. He's staring at me and I look back at him. I don't have anything to say. I've gotten better at being able to move afterwards, but I still can't talk until he leaves. Not sure why. He goes away without saying anything. He doesn't say much anymore to me. He just comes in, does all that, and goes. Not that I'd want a conversation with him of all vikings, but it does somehow make me feel more worthless. It's like I'm really not a person. As he leaves the cell, he glares at the Outcast who was outside.
"What are you looking at?"
"Nothing, Alvin," the viking answers.
Alvin pushes past him and leaves to do whatever he does when we're not together. The other Outcast is still here.
"Does it hurt?" he quietly asks me.
I scoff. "Go tell him to do a round with you and come back to ask again."
I've found my voice again. Guess all I needed was the right motivation. He doesn't look apologetic, so I don't know why he's wasting my time. I turn around to start eating, using some of the water to wash my hands the best I can first. He's still there.
"What's it like on Berserker Island?"
I pause. It hurts to think about home. I wonder how my vikings are doing. I hope they're well, but I can't be sure. I hope they don't ever find out what's really been going on.
"It's great," I say.
"Is it as filthy as it is here?"
"Far from. I like nice things, so if anyone even tried to have our prisons look this bad, I'd throw him off board in the middle of the ocean."
This seems to amuse the Outcast. "I might have to see for myself one day."
Hm, he's interested in my culture. I can use that. I turn to face him with a smile.
"I think you'd like it. It's a beautiful island. I could show you the best spots…" I start frowning. "I guess I won't be able to, though."
"Well, you never know," he quickly interjects.
Ha. He's falling for it. I'll never introduce him to my vikings. He's a traitor and I can already tell. I hate traitors, but that doesn't mean I won't get the most out of them first.
"What do you mean?" I ask as if I'm clueless.
The Outcast shrugs. "I'm not sure. Maybe there'll be something I can do. I don't know, though."
Oh, I know, Outcast. "If you want to know more about my home, I'd be fine talking with you about it."
He's brightening up and nods excitedly. I'm going to have him eating out the palm of my hand soon. He'll be so in love with the idea of Berserker Island that he won't even care about the risks he's taking by helping me escape. Oh, Dagur, you brilliant devil, you. I'm so clever. I love that about myself. Muscles will do a lot of good, but the key to my cell is also what I need. I'll have both and when I do, the world better watch out.
