The flashback in this chapter is very long and a little darker than the ones before. I know, many of you enjoy these flashbacks very much. I loved writing them. But, keeping in mind what happened to some of the characters before Sheldon moved back to Medford, there will be a few that are a bit sad and/or tragic.
This here is very much about Amy's first steps in the dating world. Although nothing really bad happens during the flashback, and obviously things end well, I'd like to leave a small warning as a precaution. I am really not sure, if it is needed, but better be safe than sorry. If you don't want to read the warning (that contains a spoiler for the chapter), you can just skip to the chapter.
~~ Warning: In this chapter, Amy finds out about the "three-dates-rule". Although it does not go very far, she finds herself in a situation that is very uncomfortable for her, as her date is taking liberties that she is not okay with. If this could be a trigger for you, please proceed with caution. ~~
Such a long time ago
I had given up on finding this emotion
Ever again
But you're here with me now
Yes, I found you somehow
And I've never been so sure
Balancing Heaven and Earth
Chapter 11 – "For the first time"
Amy's POV:
~ A little less than three years ago ~
"What's taking so long, Amy? Come on out. Show me your dress."
Amy checked herself in the mirror one last time.
She looked… different. And she could not decide if this was good or bad.
"Okay. But please don't laugh. I'm really feeling a bit out of my comfort zone right now."
She walked out of the bathroom and looked at Missy apprehensively as the taller woman studied her.
It was strange, being seen like this. In a dress that only reached to a few inches above her ankles. Short sleeved. With a neckline that almost showed her clavicles. She would probably have to wear one of her cardigans as an additional layer.
"Well, I don't think your comfort zones are showing.", Missy chuckled. "Now turn around."
Amy did a little twirl and she had to admit, she liked how the dress moved with her.
"So? What do you think?", she finally asked.
"You have a great figure.", Missy answered. "And that dress really suits you. But don't you think you could get it a size smaller?"
"Smaller?", Amy exclaimed. She already felt like the dress showed off her body a bit too much.
"Or… not.", Missy retracted quickly, probably sensing her discomfort. "Anyway, you look very pretty. So, where's Brian taking you tonight?"
Amy smiled.
She had already gone out with Brian twice. And while he was not the most interesting person she had ever met – not even close if she was being honest – he was really nice to her.
On their first date, he had taken her to a steak house and listened to her recount the documentary on frogs that Connie had mentioned when they had first met him.
On their second date, they had gone to a bar. He had taught her how to play billiard and then she had feigned interest as he told her about his recent fishing trip.
"I love fishing.", he had told her. "My family owns this great cabin near Lake Tyler. I like spending my weekends there. Hey, if you want, you can come with me next time. It's a great place for fishing or just going for a hike."
She did not know what to make of this invitation. Brian was nice. But she certainly did not know him well enough to spend a whole weekend with him. She had no idea what she could even talk to him about for such a long time.
So, she had told him, she had to take care of her elderly roommate and would not be able to go away for a whole weekend. Which Brian had understood.
More than once during the past days, she had thought about cancelling any further date. She just did not feel… whatever she was supposed to feel. And she tried to. She really did.
But then again, she did like the way he looked at her when they were out together. She also liked the way he took her home after their dates and walked her to her front door. And after the initial shock, she did feel intrigued about getting a short peck on her lips at the end of the night.
It was a whole new experience. And she felt, she owed it to herself to explore this part of life for a little bit.
"Oh, nothing special.", she finally answered. "One of his friends is having a barbeque and he wants us to stop by for a while. I don't know for how long we're staying or if he has any plans afterwards."
Missy gave her a strange look.
"He's introducing you to his friends. And… This would be your… third date. Am I right?", she finally asked.
"Yes. Why are you asking?"
Amy removed the uncomfortable shoes from her feet and sat down on the couch next to Missy.
"Well, I mean…", Missy said and lowered her voice. "It looks like he's getting serious about you. It's pretty obvious what kind of plans he has afterwards."
"It is?", Amy asked surprised.
"Come on, Amy, drop the act. Do you want me to help you pick out underwear for tonight?"
Amy blinked. Was Missy out of her mind?
"U… underwear?"
And then it clicked.
She had seen this in various cheap romantic comedies that she had watched on particularly lonely nights. The three-dates-rule. Was this an actual thing? In the real world? Was Brian expecting… this?
Oh boy.
Suddenly, Amy started feeling dizzy. There were black spots appearing in her vision and her heart started beating rapidly.
But… but they had not talked about this. They had done nothing but those two sweet little pecks on the lips.
She did not want anything else. Not now. Probably not ever. And most certainly not with Brian.
This was crazy.
"I don't believe it is necessary for you to look into my underwear drawer, Missy.", she said, sounding a little stiffer than she had intended to.
There was no answer and when she looked at Missy, she noticed, her friend looked a little pale.
"Missy?", she asked tentatively. Had she somehow insulted her?
But then, Missy's face turned from pale to slightly green and all of a sudden, she jumped up.
"Excuse me.", she said before running towards the bathroom. And then, all Amy could hear were retching sounds.
More than just a little worried, she got up and followed her friend.
The door to the bathroom was open, so she stepped inside.
Missy was still hanging her head over the toilet and taking a few deep breaths.
Amy quickly got a fresh washcloth, wet it, and offered it to Missy, who accepted gladly and started cleaning her face, still looking pale.
"Missy, have you still not fully recovered?", Amy asked concerned.
Missy had been suffering from some kind of stomach flu for weeks now.
"It's no big deal.", Missy said quickly before she got up and washed out the washcloth. "I'm already feeling better. I'm sorry, Amy, I'll go get the cleaning supplies."
Amy stopped her friend by grasping her arm and directing her to the couch in the living room.
"You will do no such thing. Just lie down. I will clean later. You should be calling your doctor. A simple stomach flu should not be taking this long."
Of course, Missy, stubborn as she was, refused to call a doctor. After she had reassured Amy that she was feeling fine, she left to her mother's house and Amy's focus turned back to her impending date.
She would have loved to talk to Connie about her worries, but she was at the senior center, spending the day with her friend Ruth.
And so, Amy used her other friend, Google, to figure out how serious she had to take Missy's comment.
The answers were mixed. She read pretty much everything from "Why wait for the third date?" to "Wait till you're married!", but the gist was that yes, it was generally agreed upon that the third date would raise certain expectations.
She could feel her heartbeat accelerate again. This was a nightmare.
While she had embraced the possibility of entering the dating life, it hadn't even crossed her mind that this could entail actual physical intimacy. She chastised herself for not giving Brian the "all physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table"-speech when she first met him. Connie had dragged her out of the bar so fast, it just hadn't come to her mind.
Was it too late to tell him now? Or was she working herself up over nothing? There was a good chance, Brian did not even think of this. Or that he found this rule as ridiculous as she did.
Amy was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard Brian's car come up the driveway. She waited for the expected honk. But there was none.
Instead, she heard steps coming towards the front door. And then the doorbell rang.
This was a first.
Amy was starting to get a bad feeling about this.
She opened the door to be met with her suitor holding a bouquet of fresh flowers.
Another first.
"Thanks, Brian. Let me just put them into a vase.", she said after he handed them to her.
He followed her inside and watched her as she rummaged around in the kitchen until she found a vase.
Why could he not just have waited outside the door?
His presence in this house that she started thinking of as a safe place, made her feel uncomfortable.
"Alright. Let's go.", she said in a high-pitched voice before grabbing her purse and striding towards the front door while ignoring the surprised look on Brian's face.
She was about to open the door to the passenger seat of his car, when he stopped her.
"Wait. Let me open that for you.", he told her.
Yet another first.
Amy found herself wishing he had just stayed in the car as usual and waited for her to hop in.
"Brian, wait.", she said before she could stop herself. She needed to clear this up now. Or she would be on edge all evening, panicking about what Brian might be expecting.
He turned to her, waiting for her to continue.
Amy took a deep breath. How could she ever ask a question like that?
"It's uhm… this is our third date. And I understand there might be certain expectations connected to that. So, I am wondering if you were hoping for something to ha…"
She did not get further than that, because suddenly, Brian shut the car door, pushed her against it and caged her in with his elbows.
Amy was completely caught by surprise, so much she did not even try to push him away as his lips descended on hers.
She shuddered and pressed her lips together firmly. This was not just a sweet peck. This was… almost aggressive.
He pulled away after a few seconds, staring at her intensely. His hands wandered from her shoulders down her body and Amy whimpered helplessly as he grasped her hips.
"I knew it.", he whispered. "You almost fooled me with the way you dress and with how you always act so shy and timid. But I knew you wanted this just as much as I do."
"I… I do?", she croaked. He couldn't be more wrong, but she did not find the words to tell him.
He kissed her again and this time, she pushed her hands against his chest, trying to get distance between them, but he didn't even seem to notice.
Her heart was racing and so was her mind. Only her body seemed frozen in place.
He grinned at her and for the first time, Amy did not like the expression on his face. Where was the sweet smile he usually gave her? What was this look in his eyes? She had never seen that before, and it scared her.
"Well, now that you brought it up.", he said, lowering his voice. "Why don't we just skip the barbeque and go back inside to… get on with our night?"
"But I… I…", she stammered, trying to get out of this situation. "I was really looking forward to it. I've never been at a real Texan barbeque before. M… maybe we should just… leave."
He looked at her with a hint of confusion in his eyes, but then he just smirked at her and leaned in to kiss her lips again. At the last second, she managed to turn her head away to avoid the kiss, but she could not prevent his hands from moving to her backside.
"I see what you're doing.", he told her, giving her behind a tight squeeze that made her squeak in shock. "You're playing hard to get. I can't say I don't like to work for it, but you already made your intentions very clear. Besides, I can feel you tremble with arousal."
"But… but…", she tried.
She wanted to tell him, that she was not trembling with arousal but out of fear.
Desperation was creeping up her spine.
What were her options here? How could she get him to listen to her?
Or should she maybe just hit him over the head with her purse?
It was all pointless, because in truth, she couldn't do anything. She was frozen. Unable to move. She wanted this to stop. She wanted out.
Just out.
She was starting to feel dizzy again, beads of sweat were running down her forehead and she desperately wanted to get rid of the feeling of his big hands on her buttocks. She couldn't believe that he was touching her like this. As if it was normal. It felt... strange and... off-putting. And it was making her sick.
And then, just as she thought she was going to pass out, there was an unexpected loud voice coming from across the street.
"Amy? Is everything alright?"
Amy turned her head and to her great relief, she saw Missy walking towards her.
Relief washed over her. Everthing was going to be okay. She was safe now.
At once, her heartrate calmed down and she found her voice again.
"Missy.", she exclaimed. "Thank God."
Finally, Brian let go of her and took a step back.
"Thank God?", he asked, staring at her in shock. "What do you mean, 'Thank God'?"
"I'll tell you what she means.", Missy said and stepped closer to them, pulling Amy away from the car. "You are forcing yourself on my friend against her will and I am here to kick your butt if you don't stop."
"K… kick my butt?", Brian exclaimed. "You are misreading the situation. Tell her, Amy."
Amy swallowed dryly.
"Well…", she croaked. "I think… uhm… you have misunderstood my… uhm… intentions for this night, Brian. I… I'm sorry."
Brian's eyes widened.
"You… you did not want to…"
Amy just shook her head. God, this was embarrassing.
"I… I am sorry…", Brian stuttered. "I did not mean to…"
She was about to tell him that it was okay. He had not meant to harm her.
But then, Brian's face hardened.
"But you brought up that this was our third date in the first place. You said there were expectations. I just went along with it. What were you trying to do? Messing with my head? Being a little tease?"
Amy shook her head frantically now.
"No. No, Brian. I was just… surprised… I… I did not mean to…"
"I think I've heard enough.", Brian shouted, his face deep red by now. "I don't need this. I haven't done anything wrong. I won't let you accuse me of…"
"She's not accusing you of anything.", Missy said sternly. "She just wants you to leave her be."
"Whatever.", Brian scoffed. "I'm leaving. Don't expect to hear from me again, Amy."
With that, he got into his car and Amy could only stare as he started up the engine and drove away fast.
And then, she was shaking again. Her knees were getting weak, and she might have tumbled to the ground, if it weren't for Missy steadying her and walking with her to the front porch where they sat down.
"Hey.", her friend said soothingly. "It's over. He's gone."
It only made her shake harder as tears were assembling in her eyes.
She had not wanted the evening to end like this. She had been looking forward to meeting new people at the barbeque. But… she was also relieved that she would probably not see Brian ever again.
"Oh God, how could I be so stupid.", she sobbed.
Missy pulled her into her arms and stroked her back.
"Amy, what just happened was not your fault.", she said firmly. "I saw your exchange through the window. It was obvious from the start how uncomfortable you were. You are not stupid. Brian is."
"I had no idea, this would happen.", Amy exclaimed, ignoring Missy's words. "I did not expect him to… I did not know how to stop… God, I cannot believe I let myself get into a situation like this."
Missy studied her curiously. "Amy… I am only asking this out of curiosity. You had every right not to want anything to happen tonight but… I thought you liked Brian. I don't fully understand why you were so uncomfortable with him."
Amy bit her lip. Could she tell Missy?
"I…", she croaked. "I… I just… I've ne… I…"
She could not do it. Missy would just start looking down on her. Like everyone else.
"Amy?", Missy asked, with concern in her voice. "Talk to me."
She shook her head.
"I… can't talk about this with you… I need… Connie.", she whispered.
Realization dawned on Missy's face.
"Oh. You've never… This would have been the first… Oh, Amy, I'm so sorry. I should have guessed it earlier. Why… why did you not just tell me?"
Crap, Missy was just too good at this.
Amy looked down at her feet, unable to say anything else.
"It's alright.", her friend told her. "You don't have to talk about this with me if you don't feel comfortable."
Amy sighed relieved. She loved Missy for not pushing her to talk.
Until she saw her friend take out her phone.
"What are you doing?", Amy asked apprehensively.
"Texting meemaw that there's an emergency.", Missy said simply, looking at her phone as it beeped only seconds later. "She will be here in about ten minutes."
Amy's cheeks heat up.
"You did not have to do this.", she mumbled. "Connie never even wanted me to date Brian. She told me from the start. She should not drop everything because of me."
"Well, she's coming home now. So, just accept it.", Missy said firmly.
Amy buried her face in her hands.
"Oh God, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe this happened. I am the biggest fool on the planet."
"No, you're not.", Missy snorted. "I am."
Amy looked at her curiously and Missy sighed deeply.
"It's not important. Not tonight."
"Missy, come one.", Amy urged her on. "You listened to me. Now I'll listen to you. That's what friends do. Right?"
Missy chewed on her bottom lip for a while before going on.
"Amy, please keep this to yourself. I haven't even told anyone yet. Although it won't take long until people will notice. With all the puking… and…"
Amy's eyes widened.
"You're… pregnant?", she whisper-shouted. "Well, congratu…"
She stopped herself when she saw Missy's face.
"Oh…", she said. "This… wasn't a planned pregnancy?"
Missy huffed. "To be honest, it is a completely miraculous pregnancy. One shot, one goal as they say."
"What?", Amy asked confused. Missy couldn't possibly mean… she was married after all. Although Amy had not met her husband once during all the family dinners she had attended during the past months.
"Well…", Missy sighed. "Again, I am telling you this in confidence. So please don't tell anyone. Not even meemaw."
"Of course.", Amy nodded.
"Pinky swear?", Missy asked and stretched out her little finger.
Amy's heart started beating in excitement.
Her first pinky swear.
"Pinky swear.", she confirmed and linked her finger with Missy's.
The women shared a soft smile, before Missy went on with her story.
"My husband… Harvey. He's… not too fond of the idea of having a family."
"But… what about…"
"Joshi? He hasn't seen his father around much these past years. He's always off on some motorcycle trip. Chasing adventures with his buddies. Our marriage… doesn't even deserve that name. He's home every few months, promising me things will be different. He takes Joshua to the park once or twice. We end up sleeping together. And then he leaves again."
Amy studied her friend's face. She had always assumed that women like Missy – tall, beautiful, confident – lived an easy life with everything being handed to them. No one to tease them. No one to hurt them. And of course, men falling for them left and right, bending over backwards to please them.
But now she realized, Missy had problems too. Maybe even worse problems than she had.
"I'm sorry, Missy. I had no idea."
"It's okay.", Missy shrugged. "I am not exactly happy with this arrangement. But at least it has given me Joshua. But now that I am pregnant again… I fear that…"
"What?", Amy asked and nudged her gently. It couldn't get any worse than that, right?
"I fear that Harvey will finally leave for good. He won't want to handle two kids. And I am afraid of doing it all by myself. I mean… what do I do? I am already overwhelmed raising Joshua almost alone."
"Missy, I think you should tell Connie and Mary. They will understand."
"Mom won't. Meemaw might.", Missy said quietly. "But… I am not ready for it. I need to come to terms with it myself first."
"Alright.", Amy nodded. "But Missy, I promise, you won't be alone. I will be there for you in any way you need me to."
Missy hugged her tightly. "Thank you, Amy. You're a good friend."
Amy's heart still did a little jump, each time Missy called her a friend.
They looked up when they saw another car park in the driveway. It was Ruth's, Amy recognized. But Ruth did not get out of the car. She just waved at the two women after Connie got out and walked towards them.
"I'm here.", she said. "What's the emergency?"
Amy gulped. She had almost forgotten what had happened to her over her concern for Missy.
Missy smiled at Amy reassuringly.
"I'll let you tell yourself.", she said softly. "Call me later if you want."
With that, she went back across the street to her mother's house and Connie opened the front door, looking at Amy expectantly.
"Come in, sweetie. You can tell me everything over tea. With a shot of whiskey if it helps."
She did need a shot of whiskey, Amy realized. A huge one.
"Sorry for making you cut your night short.", she mumbled a little later, as she was sipping from the strong beverage that burned down her throat but soothed her nerves.
Now that the initial shock had passed, she felt really, really stupid for the way she had panicked. And she felt guilty too. She should be taking care of Missy right now. Not wallowing in her own drama, that was over anyway.
"Oh, that's okay honey. I wasn't going to stay out late anyway.", Connie told her. "Now tell me. Why aren't you out with Brian tonight?"
Amy sighed deeply. She didn't even know where to start.
So, she just decided to tell her friend everything from the beginning.
Connie said nothing the whole time, just studied her as she recounted the events from the evening. She stopped before she got to the part where Brian pushed her against the car. She just couldn't say it. Couldn't express how she had felt in that situation.
She absolutely did not want to relive it.
"Let me guess. He came onto you.", Connie said softly. "And you were not okay with it. And then Brian got angry."
Amy's lower lip trembled. Thank God, she did not have to say it out loud.
Connie grasped her hand and squeezed it softly.
"Did he… hurt you, Amy?", she asked carefully.
"No.", she shook her head vehemently. "No. Missy came before anything could happen. And then he just… said a few not so nice things and left."
"Good.", Connie nodded. "Now I want you to understand that nothing about tonight was on you. You have every right to reject that man's advances, no matter how many dates you've been on."
"I know.", Amy mumbled. "I just… can't believe I did not realize what tonight was about."
"Amy, you don't have to answer this question if you don't feel comfortable. But… am I right assuming that this is the first time you've been in a situation like this?"
Amy could feel the tears starting to prickle in the corners of her eyes. Of course Connie would figure this out. But unlike with Missy, Amy did not find it hard to tell the truth now.
"Yes.", she breathed out. "I've never... I mean, no one was ever interested. And… I've never been interested either. Not in the past. And… certainly not with Brian. I don't think I'll ever be. With anyone. Maybe I… I should just not have gone out with him in the first place. Maybe he's right. I did lead him on."
"You did no such thing.", Connie exclaimed. "You went out with him because you wanted to get to know him. That does not give him the right to expect things from you."
"It's just…", Amy huffed. "Connie, this will probably always be a problem. No matter who I date, at my age, there will be certain expectations on what is going to happen. Maybe I should just give up. I tried. It did not work. Maybe… I'm just destined to stay alone."
Connie chuckled dryly and Amy looked at her curiously. Had she just said something funny?
"Destined to be alone… I've heard that expression before.", the older woman said, shaking her head amused.
Then she turned back to Amy and looked at her seriously.
"Now listen to me, Amy. Yes, your story is… unconventional. Some people might find it strange. Some might even tell you there's something wrong with you. But – and I cannot emphasize this enough – there is not. You, my dear, are a wonderful, kind person and anyone who tells you otherwise is not worth your time. You are not destined to be alone. Absolutely not. Don't sell yourself short, Amy. You deserve so much more than you think."
There were tears in Amy's eyes again. But for a different reason now.
It felt so good, hearing these words.
"So…", she said and took a deep breath. "You are saying, I should keep trying? Go on more dates with more men?"
Connie looked at her strangely for a very long time before she answered.
"Amy… I have to be honest here. I don't like the image of you going out with other men like Brian. But… this is your life. And it sounds like, with your upbringing, you missed out on many things you wanted to explore. So, I will not be the one to tell you to stop dating if you enjoy it."
Amy nodded thoughtfully.
"I did enjoy the dating part.", she admitted. "I liked the attention. And the going out. Just not… what happened tonight."
Connie's face was indecipherable. Had she hoped for a different answer?
"Well, if that is the case, then…", Connie sighed. "And I don't like saying this, because I am worried about you, my dear. But if you are absolutely sure that this is what you want, then yes, you should probably explore this further. Just… don't let anyone pressure you into something you don't want."
Amy pondered it for a few seconds.
"Maybe… until I feel more comfortable… I just won't try going on a third date again. To… lower the expectations."
Connie rolled her eyes gently.
"I think this three-dates-rule is stupid. But sure, if it makes you feel safer...", she said then. "Just promise you'll always call me if you find yourself in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. It does not matter where I am or what I am doing. I'll pick you up and if necessary, I'll bring my rifle."
"Connie!", Amy almost yelled.
"Just to scare them away.", Connie calmed her down.
Amy grinned and shook her head.
Sometimes it was hard to believe, this woman was already in her nineties.
There was something else that kept bothering her. So, she decided to ask Connie a question she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer to. But she had to.
"Connie, can I ask you something? And could you give me an honest answer, with no regards for how it could make me feel?"
Connie raised her eyebrows at Amy.
"I always answer honestly."
Amy took a deep breath.
"Do you really think… there could be someone out there for me? Will any man ever want me the way I am? Someone who won't expect me to take off my clothes after only three dates? Someone who… does not just find me weird with my… unconventional past and my hobbies and interests? Someone who… gets me and enjoys spending time with me? Am I crazy for hoping that someday I will find a man who… likes me for everything I am?"
Another strange expression formed on Connie's face and again, it took her a few seconds to answer.
"Oh, honey.", she finally said, and Amy couldn't help but feel she was sounding much more emotional than before. "I am absolutely sure that there is someone out there. Someone who will be completely smitten with you, the moment he'll start getting to know you. You'll meet him. Soon."
"How can you be so sure.", Amy wondered. Did Connie maybe just say this to make her feel good?
"Because…", Connie paused and seemed to choose her next words very carefully. "Amy… I cannot tell you, why I know this. But I do. You'll see. You just have to be patient. Please do me a favor and don't settle for anything less."
~ Back in the present ~
"Are you guys sure you don't want us to come with you to the airport?", Amy asked again, probably for the twentieth time.
And for the twentieth time, the answer was the same.
"It is not necessary for you to make the drive. The kids will probably fall asleep on the way, and we will just be sitting around until it's time for boarding."
She nodded.
It was not easy, saying good-bye to these people.
The weekend had been so nice.
After spending Saturday just with the girls, Mary had invited them all for a barbeque on Sunday.
A few people from the choir had stopped by as well and brought piles of typical Texan food.
It had been a wonderful day, spent in Mary's yard. The children running around together while the adults talked and laughed.
Everyone had so much fun, and Sheldon had looked so incredibly happy.
It was a shame that today was Monday and she had to go to work, so she had missed the last day of Sheldon's friends' visit.
Amy was glad that she at least had made it home in time to send them off.
"I'll miss you guys. It was so great to have you here."
Penny hugged her tightly, and then Bernadette did the same.
"Well, don't be a stranger. We'll keep calling you on girls' night. And hopefully we'll be seeing you again in Pasadena soon."
Amy looked at Sheldon who shook his friends' hands, before stoically watching as they got into their rental cars.
"I'm sure, we'll be there in a few weeks.", she answered.
She waved as the cars left their driveway and when she turned around, she saw that Sheldon was already on his way back into the house.
She sighed deeply.
Yes, she was going to miss them too. It had been all she was able to think about today while she was at work. Even if Penny and Bernadette sometimes annoyed her, she did enjoy their company and wanted to get to know them better. How she wished, she could have been with them today.
But she knew, no matter how much she would be missing their Pasadena-friends, it was not comparable to how Sheldon must be feeling.
She went into the house and started the tea kettle, before she found Sheldon in the living room, sitting at the piano.
It took her back to a year ago, when he used to spend so much time here, working on songs for the choir.
He had not been doing that often lately, since his focus had shifted back to his work.
"Working on a new song?", she asked softly as she sat down next to him.
"No.", he replied tonelessly. "Just… playing around a little bit."
He played a few more notes that did not really fit together.
"Are you trying to get your mind off the fact that your friends just left?", she asked softly.
He only looked at her for a second before he turned back to the piano.
"It's no big deal. I'll see them tomorrow during lunch break."
Her heart hurt for the man next to her. She knew, he was trying to convince himself with his words just as much as he wanted to convince her. And maybe a little bit, he was also protecting her. From knowing how sad their departure was making him.
"I'm making tea.", she stated. "Do you want some?"
He looked at her again, several emotions flickering in his eyes. "But I'm not upset.", he insisted.
"I didn't say you were. But if you were… I'd understand."
"Well, I'm not.", he said stubbornly.
"Regardless.", she said and put one hand on his shoulder. "I'm making tea, and, in a few minutes, I'll be sitting on the couch, drinking it. You don't have to join me. I get it, if you need some time to yourself and I will give you space. But… if you want to talk… about anything… I'll be there, listening."
With that, she got up and finished brewing Sheldon's favorite tea, hoping she would not be drinking it alone.
She knew, Sheldon would feel better, if he would let out the things that were on his mind. But who was she to ask him to? She, who often had such a hard time opening up about her own struggles.
But to her great relief, just before the tea was ready, the sound of the piano stopped, and she heard footsteps. She peeked around the corner to see that Sheldon had already sat down on the couch.
She grabbed two mugs and sat down next to him, offering him one of them.
For a few minutes, they just sat there next to each other in silence, sipping on their tea that filled the room with a comforting scent.
If it weren't for the sad expression on Sheldon's face, this could be just like any other late afternoon they spent together.
Finally, Sheldon sat his mug down at the coffee table and turned to her.
"I know what you're thinking.", he told her. "And I want you to know, I am not unhappy. I do not regret making the choice of staying here in Medford for the time being."
She just nodded and chose to let him continue on his own.
"I love our life here.", he admitted. "I haven't thought about my apartment or the other things I am missing in Pasadena for a very long time. Not once did I feel the urge to hop on to the next flight to spend a weekend there. But…"
He sighed deeply, probably searching for the right words.
"But…", she continued for him. "When you saw your friends leave for the airport just now, a part of you wanted to hop into the car and go with them."
He swallowed hard. Then he looked down at his feet and nodded.
"I'm sorry.", he all but whispered.
"Why would you be sorry?", she asked. "It's perfectly normal to feel this way."
"Because…", he sighed. "It feels like I am betraying you. I wanted to get into that car. Knowing full well that you have to work this week and cannot come with me. Knowing full well that we have plans this week. For a second, I… did not care about any of it."
It was hard, hearing these words. Amy knew, it was even harder for him to say them though. And she appreciated Sheldon's honesty.
"But you did not get into the car.", she said softly.
"Of course not.", he said and grasped her hand. "I could never just leave you behind. You know that."
"I do.", she nodded. "And you should not feel guilty for the way you feel, Sheldon. Just for the record, if you ever want to go to Pasadena for a week, or even more than one, with or without me, I will understand. You know that, right?"
He gave her a weak smile and squeezed her hand.
"You know full well that I do not wish to be away from you."
She kissed his cheek.
"I know. And I don't wish to be away from you either. But still. You should know that there is nothing wrong with how you feel."
"Why are you so calm about this?", he asked her then. "How did you even guess that this is how I feel?"
She shook her head. It still blew her mind, the thing she was about to tell him.
"Because… part of me was feeling the exact same way.", she admitted. "For just one second... I wanted to go with them as well."
"You…", he breathed out, his eyes widened in surprise. "Really? But… why?"
Amy sighed.
"Because…", she started. "Today, I was at work, trying to teach my juniors about photosynthesis. It's the fourth year in a row that I am doing this. Same presentation. Same questions. Same explanations."
He just looked at her blankly. Probably afraid of criticizing her job again. So, she continued.
"And while I was standing in the classroom, all I could think about was how Bernadette was flying home today and then tomorrow she'll be in her lab, doing research. You'll be working on your theories. The other guys will be working in their respective fields as well. A year from now, all of you will have published a few more papers and be working on new, fascinating things. And I… will be teaching photosynthesis to juniors for the fifth time."
"But I thought you love your job.", Sheldon said tentatively.
Amy knew how confusing this must be for him. After all the times when she had defended her profession to him.
"I do.", she nodded. "Very much so. I love seeing the few students that are actually interested in what I am teaching them. I love having lunch with Jared. I love… helping Maddie and seeing her progress. I love the thought of actually helping these young people form their future. But… I do not love thinking about all the studies I could be conducting. All the groundbreaking discoveries in Neurobiology that are being made by people that aren't… me."
He seemed to be studying her face.
"Are you saying… you are thinking of…"
"Taking the job from Gunderson and moving to Pasadena?", she finished the question he probably did not dare ask her. "I don't know. Sometimes, yes. But then I think about all the people that I would miss. I think about… this house and all the memories I have of Connie. I think about your family. And I just… have no idea what I want."
"That's exactly where I am at.", Sheldon told her. "It's getting so hard to imagine not living here in this house with you. Across the street from mom and Missy. And especially Joshua. But it's also hard to imagine working remotely for the rest of my career. I am not sure I will be content with that."
"I understand.", she said sincerely. "It's different, being there where all the science is happening."
"Yes.", he said, looking at her strangely.
"Furthermore, if I were to choose going back to Neurobiology, I will not have the option to work remotely. I can't conduct studies from our office space. So… going back to it could mean having to give up on this life here. And… staying here could mean burying my career as a scientist. For good. And both of those options are just so…
"Painful.", he finished the sentence for her.
She nodded and smiled at him. She had never expected him to understand this.
Sheldon smiled back at her before he pulled her into his arms.
"I had no idea our thoughts on this were so similar.", he admitted. "But if feels good, knowing we are on the same page."
"Yeah.", she chuckled as she nestled into his chest. "We might be stuck between a rock and a hard place, but at least we are stuck together."
"I agree.", he said and kissed her forehead. "Knowing that we share these doubts… makes it easier somehow."
"I wish we could just have both.", she whispered.
"Mhmm…", he said. "That's what I told the guys on Saturday."
"Really?", she asked. She had no idea they had talked about this. "What did they say?"
"Well…", he cleared his throat. "Leonard and Howard did not really see the appeal of this smalltown. And Raj… told me I should just stay here forever."
Amy scoffed inwardly.
This was not surprising. Raj clearly did not want to have her around in Pasadena and took every chance he got to try and get rid of her.
What had she ever done to him for him to dislike her so much?
"In an ideal world…", he continued pulling her out of her thoughts. "Medford would be a twenty-minute drive from Pasadena. So that we could commute to work and spend one or two evenings with our friends but otherwise still have our life here."
She looked at him in awe. Despite what he had told her before, it was surprising that this would be his best-case scenario.
It made her happy that he seemed to like their routine in Medford as much as she did.
Amy grinned. "Well, if we're playing that game… In an ideal world, someone would invent teleportation so we could beam ourselves to Pasadena and back every day."
"Interesting…", Sheldon said and lifted her face. "But do you realize that there's a problem with teleportation?"
Amy racked her brain. She was not a physicist, but she wanted to figure this out by herself. If only to see the look of admiration on Sheldon's face.
"Oh, I got it.", she exclaimed. "A device for teleportation would not be able to really transport a person. It could only identify the quantum state of matter by destroying the person and then transmit that pattern for reassembly at the new location. So, we would not actually be teleported each day. It would be a new version of us while the original us would be gone."
Her smiled froze as she saw the expression on Sheldon's face.
He was staring at her and licking his lip. His Adam's apple was bopping up and down as he swallowed hard.
"Sheldon?", she asked carefully. Had she said something wrong?
And then his mouth was on hers, kissing her hotly. She was barely able to keep up with him, but she could feel arousal pooling inside her already.
He ended the kiss, got up and pulled her with him.
"Bed.", he said hoarsely, but in a tone that did not allow for protest.
"But…", she tried, a bit confused over their discussion ending this abruptly. They had not come any closer to a conclusion yet.
"We are going to bed.", he said again firmly. "And then I will need you to elaborate on how exactly you imagine the transmitting of those patterns to work. Naked."
Oh. Well, if he put it like that…
"Well… assuming someone would be able to invent this device…", she started.
Sheldon turned around and silenced her with a kiss.
"I said naked.", he said sternly.
Amy giggled as she followed him to the bedroom.
"Do you really think… there could be someone out there for me?"
Well, by now, Amy understood what exactly Connie had been thinking of when she had answered that question.
She was so glad she had found him. The man who accepted, even loved her for exactly who she was. The man who wanted her. At her best and at her worst.
The intensity of her feelings for Sheldon surprised her time and time again.
Maybe the discussion about their future home really could wait a few more days. Maybe that decision did not even matter that much right now.
Not when Sheldon looked at her the way he did tonight.
Two hours later, Amy was lying in bed, naked and satisfied. Her body tingling all over. Curled up next to Sheldon and watching him sleep peacefully after he had rocked her world several times.
Never, not in a million years had she expected to ever love someone with the intensity she loved him. She hadn't even known she was capable of feeling this way.
And she also never would have thought she could feel this safe and protected with anyone. Knowing he loved her back. Knowing she could trust him with her heart and soul. It was more than she ever could have dared to hope for.
Amy sighed contently as she closed her eyes.
No matter where she would end up living, she wanted to preserve this. This feeling of connection and trust. Feeling at home, resting safely within the heart of her perfect companion.
She would always be happy as long as she had this.
And everything else? Well, they would just have to figure it out together.
Missy's POV
"Yes, Penny, I agree, it has been great, catching up with you again.", Missy talked into her phone as she stirred the chili on the stove.
Missy had always liked Penny, from the day she had met her the first time. She remembered it like yesterday, her surprise when she found out that her brother was friends with someone who was so… similar to her in so many ways.
And she had really enjoyed spending time with all the ladies this past weekend. Going on a girls night together with her best friend and two other women. Drinking cocktails and sharing funny stories. Finally, after such a long time, she was starting to feel normal again.
Penny proceeded to tell Missy about an idea she had for the wedding. A surprise for Sheldon and Amy.
Missy had her doubts at first, but she had to admit, the idea sounded great.
"It's your call, obviously.", Penny said. "But after seeing them this weekend, I think it could be something they would like, so I thought I'd run it by you."
Missy grinned. Well, she knew her brother wasn't very fond of surprises in general. But she had to admit, this one was good. Really good. As the maid of honor, she was inclined to approve it.
"Yes, I think Sheldon and Amy will love that.", she said as she turned off the stove and walked into the living room. "I will definitely help you with it. Hey, why don't we have a zoom meeting? I'll invite Jared too, to help with the details."
Her eyes shifted to a stack of mail lying on the coffee table. She picked it up and flipped through it, looking if there was something for her.
And indeed, there was an envelope addressed to "Mrs. Missy Cooper".
That was strange. Ever since she had changed her name back to Cooper, she had not been addressed as Mrs. anymore. And usually, the name on her mail was 'Melissa Cooper'. Not 'Missy'.
Also, there was no stamp on the envelope. Someone must have just walked by and put it into the mailbox.
With a bad feeling, she opened the envelope and pulled out a sheet of paper.
Her eyes widened as she read the content.
"I'm sorry, Penny. Something came up. I'll have to call you back.", she stammered before she ended the call.
There it was. In big, red letters. Just like it had been on her car. But this time it was two words.
"LEAVE WHORE."
Her hands started shaking.
Who would do this to her?
And why? Why now, months after the first message?
And would it ever stop?
