Author's Note: Thank you to GraceMonroe (twice!) and Marmite-1 for your reviews! I'm sorry for how rough the last chapter was, and I really appreciate your sticking with this story!
I hope this chapter makes it all up to you!
Chapter Seventeen: Apologies and Forgiveness
Remus thought he knew fear. At five years of age, he had lain on the cold, stone floor of his parents' basement, barricaded in the one place in his home that he was afraid of, locked up, completely alone, and waiting for what his father had told him would be a very painful, frightening experience. At twelve, he had been confronted by his three best friends and told that they knew his secret. At sixteen, he had come within inches of attacking and possibly murdering another student because of a terrible prank gone wrong. At eighteen, he had gone up against a highly trained Death Eater with murder in his dark green eyes. At nineteen, he had been informed that he and the people he loved most in this world had been marked for death by Lord Voldemort himself. At twenty, he had been discovered for what he was by his employer, who in turn tried to burn him alive. At twenty-one, he had lost everything and been expected to keep going.
If anyone had asked him, Remus would have said with confidence that he was well-versed in the world of fear.
But that was before, at thirty-five, he had watched three people walk into Order of the Phoenix headquarters and tell him that the woman who, in the short span of two months, had become everything to him was missing.
Remus stood on the staircase, unmoving, staring at Charlie, unable to process what he had just heard.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" Sirius asked, hurrying down the last few stairs.
"I mean..." Charlie hesitated, looking to Fleur for help.
"Sometheeng went wrong," Fleur supplied. "We 'ad to leave and go to ze emergency place. We all Disapparated at ze same time, but Mairead never arrived."
"What went wrong?" asked Bill, looking from Charlie to Fleur to Tonks.
"Mairead is what went wrong," Charlie said hotly. Anger that had been building over Mairead's inattentiveness for the past week had clearly reached a boiling point. "We should've seen the writing on the wall. Fleur was right - we never should've brought her along."
"You 'ad no ozzer choice," Fleur said, touching Bill's arm soothingly as he took this in, face growing thunderously angry.
"What happened?" Remus asked, finally breaking out of his shock enough to descend to the landing.
Charlie pinched his nose between his fingers, shaking his head. "She ignored the plan," he said. "I don't know if she forgot it or if she just wasn't listening during our meetings or if she just decided to do her own thing, but - she abandoned her disguise. She cancelled her Disillusionment Charm and then just waltzed right into the middle of the tour group without a care in the world. She threw a tantrum at the portrait - we almost couldn't even get the damn thing open because of her! And then when she was down in the office she made this unholy racket. Flew into some fit of temper - hit Tonks and nearly broke her nose -"
"I've been trying to tell you, Charlie, I don't think you understand what happened," moaned Tonks.
Remus looked over at her and, indeed, saw the markings of a recent nosebleed on her face. He frowned. He knew from ample personal experience that Mairead was formidable when she lost her temper, but he also knew that she did not just fly into a rage at the drop of a quill. It normally took an undue level of distress to make Mairead lose control like that. And he had never seen her act out violently unless she was defending herself.
"Regardless," Charlie said, waving a dismissive hand at Tonks, "she's a loose cannon. Can't follow orders to save her life, stubborn as a hippogriff, flaky as hell."
Bill shook his head, looking stunned. "I'm beginning to see why you didn't want her in the Order, Remus," he said.
"Remus didn't want her in the Order because he feared for her safety," Sirius snapped. "And I don't know whom you're describing, but it's not Mairead."
"You've been there for every meeting, Sirius!" Charlie burst out. At that, the curtains covering the portrait of Sirius's mother flew open and she began howling and wailing, rousing the other portraits, but no one seemed to care. "You've seen her. She didn't give a shit about this mission, and she did everything she could to make sure it failed."
"That's not like her!" Sirius said hotly.
Charlie threw up his hands. "How do you know?" he said. "How does any of us know?"
"She will 'ave to be disciplined," said Fleur, folding her arms. "She ruined ze mission. She nearly got us all killed. Zair must be some sort of punishment."
"None of that matters!" Remus broke in, barely keeping hold of his own temper as alarm tore through his nerves. "It doesn't matter what any of you thinks about her; a member of the Order is missing. We have to find her. She could be in danger."
"I think we'd better call for Mad-Eye," said Sirius, pulling out his wand. "He's always been the best at search and rescue."
Remus nodded gratefully as Sirius conjured a Patronus, then turned back to the others. "Now: where did you last see her?"
"We went out onto a balcony to Disapparate," Tonks said. "Charlie told us all to fall back to the mill."
"When we arrived, she was not zair," added Fleur. "'Oo knows where she could have decided to go instead?"
Remus silenced her with a sharp hand gesture. "Did she know where the fallback location was?" he asked Bill.
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
Bill sighed. "Unless she wasn't listening again," he said grimly.
"Did anybody think to go back to the Manor to see if she was still there?" Remus asked, gritting his teeth against the irritation and stress building within himself.
"Yes, of course I did," Charlie retorted. "Nearly got myself caught Apparating back. And d'you have any idea how hard it is to Apparate onto a second story balcony?"
"You could 'ave gotten killed," said Fleur indignantly.
Remus turned away and began to pace. Panic was coursing through his veins. Mairead could be anywhere. She could have been apprehended. Malfoy could be interrogating her at that very moment. He had to find her. Had to save her.
Without another word, he pushed his way past Bill and headed towards the door.
"Where are you going?" asked Tonks anxiously.
"To find Mairead," he said curtly.
"Where are you going to look?" Bill shouted.
"I'm coming, too," said Sirius. For once, Remus didn't bother to spare a thought for making sure Sirius followed the rules. He clutched his wand in one hand and with the other he yanked the door open only to have something tumble inside and fall to the ground at his feet.
Immediately, six wands were trained on the figure crumpled in the doorway. It shifted and stirred, began pushing itself up.
"Mairead," Remus breathed. Letting his wand fall to the ground, he grasped the young witch's hands and pulled her to her feet. Sirius stepped forward and closed the door, bolting it up securely. Remus released Mairead and she wavered dangerously where she stood. She was deathly pale - even her lips were white.
"Hey," she whispered.
Remus stared at her uncomprehendingly. His alarm and dread melted into relief at the sight of her, and then almost seamlessly segued into anger. His fear had crescendoed to such a point that it was almost unmanageable. There had been no word from her. She had made no attempts to reconvene with her team. He had been wild with stress and worry, convinced that she was either dead or captured, and now she walked in the front door, looked right at him, and casually greeted him like it was any other day?
As afraid as he had just been, so now was he enraged.
"'Hey'?" he repeated, scarcely able to believe his ears. "'Hey'? Do you have any idea what you've put us through? What you've put the other members of your team through? We were about to start a search and rescue for you! And you saunter in here and say, 'Hey'?!"
Mairead's eyes went wide with surprise. Her astonishment only served to fuel Remus's outrage.
How can she be surprised by this?
"This isn't a game, Mairead!" he excoriated her. "The Order isn't some social club. Charlie risked his life looking for you! Your antics today nearly got your entire team killed! You can't just go off by yourself like that. Your actions jeopardized not only the lives of three other members of the Order but the entire Order itself!"
"I'm sorry," Mairead said in a tiny voice, barely audible over the shouts and wails of the portraits. Her chin trembled and her breath hitched as she shrank back against a wall. Remus pursued her, glaring furiously into her tear-filled eyes as he cornered her.
"Sorry isn't good enough!" he shot back. "You've been on two missions now and both times you have deliberately disobeyed direct orders. You are going to get somebody killed! For God's sake - when are you going to stop acting like a selfish child?"
As he said this, Remus reached out and grasped her by the upper arms, intent on driving his point home. He hadn't grabbed her very hard, but as soon as he touched her Mairead yelped and began struggling to get away from him. Remus felt something tacky and wet beneath his left hand and immediately released her. He looked down at his hand and saw blood smeared on his palm and fingers. At once his eyes snapped from his hand back to her arm, but Mairead had already cowered away from him, clutching at her arm and covering the wound.
"What happened?" he asked sharply, eyes taking in her blood-stained shirt, the blood trickling down her arm. "How did you get injured?"
"Splinched," Mairead whispered, looking at the ground in shame.
Remus stared at her, lost for words. She was shaking like an abandoned puppy and looked to be making a great effort not to cry.
Sirius cleared his throat. "Let's, erm, let's debrief down in the kitchen. Go where we can talk," he said. "I'll meet you lot down there."
Bill, Fleur, Charlie, and Tonks all shuffled for the basement steps. Mairead stayed where she was. She appeared to be too afraid of Remus to move until he backed off. Setting his jaw, Remus jerked his head to indicate she should go ahead of him. Avoiding his eyes, Mairead scurried off towards the basement, as if worried he would strike her if she lingered too long.
Remus stayed behind to help Sirius with the portraits.
"Are you all right, mate?" Sirius asked when they had restored silence. He was looking closely at Remus, concern deep in his blue eyes. "I can't remember the last time I've seen you fly off the handle like that."
Remus shook his head. "This isn't like her," he said. "I'm astounded that she would behave this irresponsibly."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't asking about her," he said. "I was asking about you."
"I'm fine," Remus said brusquely.
Sirius looked like he was about to argue but Remus silenced him with a warning glance.
Remus followed Sirius down to the basement. When they arrived it appeared the Bill was partway through giving Mairead another verbal thrashing.
" - never would have believed that you could be this... this careless, Mairead!" he was castigating Mairead, who was leaning against the dresser that held the dinnerware and staring at the ground, trembling. "My girlfriend was on that mission! My BROTHER was on that mission! You nearly got them KILLED! And even if you don't give a damn about them, do you realize that if you'd been caught and interrogated, the entire Order would have fallen? We have rules for a reason! We make plans for a reason! Your job is not to just blithely ignore what your commander says and do whatever the bloody hell you want. Your job is to follow orders. And if you can't do that, then there's the fucking door! I am not just going to stand idly by and let the lives of the people I care about - the lives of my FAMILY - be endangered by someone as heedless and as thoughtless and as... as dangerously out of control as you."
"You're the one who seems out of control right now, Weasley," came a gruff voice from the doorway.
Remus didn't have to look to identify the voice of Mad-Eye. He and Sirius shifted to make room for the battled-ravaged Auror. Bill turned away from Mairead and towards Moody.
"I'm sorry, Mad-Eye," said Bill, who was breathing heavily but who sounded somewhat calmer now that Moody was here. "We've had a bit of a rough go of it today."
"So I gathered," said Moody, leaning against the doorway. "Word is you've got a missing person?"
"She's back now," Bill said with a baleful look at Mairead.
Moody looked past Bill and at Mairead, who had not looked up at his entrance.
"Where'd you go?" he asked her.
"I don't know, sir," she whispered. She had what Remus had always thought of as her "kicked puppy dog look."
Moody clicked his tongue and scratched his head. "Somebody want to explain to me what's going on?" he asked, looking around the room. "I'm a bit behind the times."
All eyes immediately landed on Bill, who took a calming breath and said, "While you were gone, we were assigned a mission to plant a listening device in Malfoy's house. I was the lead, and was charged with coming up with a plan and picking a team. Malfoy Manor is opened up once a month for public tours and I decided that would be a good opportunity for us to get in there -"
Moody held up a hand to stop Bill. "And who is 'us'?" he asked.
Bill gestured around to Charlie, Fleur, Tonks, and Mairead. "Them," he clarified. "So the plan was -"
"Hold up," said Moody, but he wasn't looking at Bill. "You went back to Malfoy's house, Mairead?"
A twitch of Mairead's face was all the answer she gave.
"Why in the name of Godric would you volunteer to do that?" Moody asked.
His question was met with silence.
"Somebody wanna answer that for me?" Moody asked the room.
Bill glanced at Charlie, then said, "Well, because I selected her for my team."
Moody raised both eyebrows. His magical eye flicked back and forth between Mairead and Bill. "Didn't anybody explain to you that Order missions are volunteer-based?"
Bill's eyes darted over to Remus, who remained silent. "Well, yes, but during the course of my planning it became apparent that Mairead had in-depth knowledge of Malfoy's house that I thought would be massively benefic-"
"Did you ever stop to ask yourself why she would have in-depth knowledge of Malfoy's house?"
Bill shrugged. "Malfoy and her dad were mates," he said. "O'Keefe was even in the portrait concealing the entrance to Malfoy's office - they've been friends since they were kids."
"And that didn't strike anyone as potentially problematic?" Moody pressed. He was looking less and less enchanted with Bill with each second that passed. "What do you think they did together? Played Gobstones?"
"You don't understand - it was a golden opportunity," Charlie spoke up in defense of his brother. "I mean - Mairead was practically custom-made for this mission. She knew how to find Malfoy's office, how to get into it, and she even - look: in order to get into Malfoy's office you needed blood from one of the people in the portrait or one of their family members. Her blood got us in there!"
"Draco's could've gotten you in there, too," said Moody with a shrug. "Or you could've bottled a drop of hers and brought it along with you."
Charlie sighed. "The point is -"
"The point is I am having a damn hard time imagining her jumping at the chance to go back to Malfoy Manor," Moody cut him off.
"She agreed!" Charlie cried defensively. "She said 'yes'!"
"Yeah, after you told her she'd be a coward if she made someone else go in her place," Tonks retorted suddenly. "After you told Dumbledore and the entire Order that we couldn't pull this off without her. After you told her the entire plan was dependent on her going along."
"And that was all true!" Charlie insisted. "Bill's plan couldn't have worked without her. It was dependent on her going along. But she still could have said 'no.' She still agreed to go. Why would she have agreed to go if she wasn't okay going?"
But Bill was frowning thoughtfully. His anger had died down and he was looking at Mairead with an expression of dawning understanding. "Why didn't you tell me any of this?" he asked her softly. "Why did you agree to go?"
Remus released a deep breath as a memory surfaced. He remembered standing in his classroom with Mairead, bewildered to learn that she had traded away her last Halloween feast at Hogwarts so that she could help him with an extracurricular assignment for his First Year students. He had asked her with fond exasperation why she had done such a thing, and she had blushed and looked away as she mumbled her answer.
"Because you asked her to," Remus said softly, looking over at Mairead and finally feeling the sympathy he should have shown her the moment she walked through the door.
Charlie's eyes flashed. "Look," he said, shooting an angry look at Mairead. "We had no idea she was going to freak out the way she did. Bill had no way of knowing she was going to have a-a - a complete mental breakdown like that. She should have told him that! She went without disclosing any of that!"
Remus looked away from Mairead and over at Charlie. "What mental breakdown?" he asked in a low voice. "You didn't say anything about that."
"I told you," Charlie fumed. "She went completely mental. Started screaming and flailing - nearly broke Tonks's nose hitting her in the face."
"You said she lost her temper; you didn't say she was screaming," Bill said sharply, looking back and forth between Charlie and Fleur. "What made her do that?"
Charlie and Fleur looked over at Tonks, who blanched. "I - I don't know," she admitted. "One second she was fine and the next... she... she had... some - some sort of... like, episode, or something."
"What kind of episode?" asked Sirius, frowning.
Tonks cast a reluctant look over at Mairead, who was still staring at the ground, a closed expression on her face, then said in a hesitant voice, "She looked over at me and shouted something - 'stop,' or 'don't do that,' or something. And then she just... collapsed. She curled up in a ball, started screaming. It was like she was being murdered, or tortured or something. I went over to her and tried to help her but she was fighting me with everything she had. Hit me in the face - but I really don't think she did it on purpose. I don't think she knew who I was. Charlie came down then and he managed to... at least stop her from hurting herself. After a few minutes she came out of it, but by then we'd been heard..."
"This was in Malfoy's office?" Moody guessed.
Tonks nodded.
"I'm surprised at you, Tonks," said Moody, sounding disappointed. "You've been trained in this. You ought to be able to recognize when someone's having a flashback."
Tonks's features all went slack as realization dawned on her face. "Oh, shit," she breathed.
But Fleur looked confused. "What eez zat?" she asked, looking around. "What eez a flashback?"
Bill had put a hand over his face and was slowly massaging his forehead. "I'll tell you later," he muttered quietly, guilt thickly lacing his voice.
Moody looked around the room in silence for nearly a minute. "Well," he began slowly, "I don't think I need to tell you what damn fools you were to think that someone in the middle of a medical crisis was a viable candidate for Apparition."
Tonks flinched and shook her head.
Moody folded his arms. "All I'll say is this, then: you're damn lucky it wasn't worse. The stuff that was done to her in that house? The stuff she witnessed? It's enough to make a grown man piss his pants - and you call her a coward. She was a child." He shook his head. "You're damn lucky it wasn't worse."
"That's what's been going on with you all week, isn't it?" Sirius spoke up suddenly, looking at Mairead. "That's why your memory's been shit, why all the headaches - you've been having flashbacks this whole time, haven't you?"
Mairead set her jaw and said nothing, staring resolutely at the floor, arms tightly hugging her middle. Remus hated himself for letting her get to this state. He hated himself for failing to protect her. She looked abjectly miserable. He knew she hated to be the center of attention, and to be the center of attention over something so traumatizing? He had to do something.
"Look," he said quietly. "Everyone here has had a long week. Let's get some rest."
"Yeah," said Tonks, nodding. "Look at it this way: no one was captured, no one was killed. We got away clean. Mad-Eye's right: it could've been a lot worse."
"Ze mission still failed, though," Fleur said morosely.
Suddenly, Mairead looked up. "Why did the mission fail?" she asked softly. She looked as though she immediately regretted speaking as all heads turned to look at her.
"The mission was to plant a listening device," Bill reminded her. His voice had returned to the usual gentle kindness with which he had formerly addressed her. "But don't worry about it. We'll get another chance."
"And this time we'll have a whole month to plan for it," added Sirius.
Mairead frowned. "B-but I planted the listening device," she said.
Bill stared at her. "You did?"
Mairead's eyes widened in alarm. "I - I thought that's what I was supposed to do," she said quickly, sounding panicky. "W-wasn't that what I was supposed to do? Plant it in the office?"
Bill looked at her blankly. "I didn't realize you manag- got around to doing that."
Mairead shrank back as though worried he would start shouting again at any moment. "I thought that's what I was supposed to do," she repeated faintly. "I'm sorry."
Sirius scratched his ear. "I hate to say this," he said, "but it's not working. No sound is coming through that thing."
Tonks looked up. "Did you check that the volume was up?" she asked.
She and Sirius looked at one another. Then, as one, they ran for the door.
There was a small stampede as everyone pushed to follow Sirius and Tonks to the drawing room. Sirius was already reaching for the receiver when Remus darted into the room, followed closely by Bill, Charlie, and Fleur. He could hear Moody's leg thumping down the corridor as well.
There was a collective holding of breath when Sirius looked up into Tonks's eyes and murmured, "The volume's all the way down."
His index finger slowly turned the wheel that controlled the volume.
"-from Draco that Potter has already been assigned a week's worth of detention. Umbridge could not be working out more beautifully if she were a servant of The Dark Lord herself."
"Holy shit!" Tonks exclaimed. "Holy shit!"
Sirius shushed her, mouth hanging slack as he listened to what sounded to Remus like Malfoy bragging to Macnair about his son's academic achievements at Hogwarts.
The conversation, it turned out, had already been drawing to a close and Macnair shortly made his excuses and the two men left the room as Malfoy showed Macnair out.
Sirius turned and looked at Remus, a feral glint in his eyes.
"Fuck me," he said in a low voice. "It's already better than the bugs at the Ministry."
Charlie looked around in disbelief. "Does that mean... we succeeded?" he said.
"That's what that means," Moody confirmed.
"Holy shit," Charlie said in wonder, echoing Tonks's sentiment. "We fucking did it."
"You should send an owl off to Dumbledore tonight," Moody said. "Let him know."
"Yeah," Bill agreed, running a hand over his forehead and looking dazed. "Yeah, you're right." He walked out of the room, followed closely by Fleur and Tonks.
"Hey - don't forget to - argh," Moody let out a growl of frustration and began stumping out of the room. "You've got to put it in code!" he called after them.
Charlie started for the door, then hesitated in the doorway. "... I'm sorry," he said quietly to the young woman standing off to the side in the shadows of the room. "I shouldn'tve - I mean, I should've... er... sorry." He ran a hand awkwardly through his hair before hurrying after his brother.
Sirius straightened up from where he had been hunched over the receiver. "Fancy a celebratory drink?" he asked Remus.
Remus shook his head without taking his eyes off the small figure shrouded in shadow, still clutching her hurt arm and looking as though she were trying to make herself as inconspicuous as possible.
Sirius looked back and forth between Remus and Mairead. "I never thought I'd have to say this to you of all people, but be nice," he warned Remus before sauntering out, leaving the two alone in the room.
Remus watched Mairead in silence. Her face had taken on a set look of defiance as it dawned on her that she was alone with him. He slowly made his way towards her, saying nothing. She stubbornly refused to look at him, even when he stopped directly in front of her.
Remus wanted to hold her more than anything. He wanted to surround her with care and affection. He wanted to kiss her and touch her and soothe her until he was the only thing there was room for in her brain. He wanted to hunt down and murder each and every Death Eater who had hurt her. He wanted to promise her freedom and security and a life of comfort and safety. He wanted to, but he knew he could not offer her the things she deserved.
And so he offered her the only thing he could think of.
"Here," he said softly, pulling out his wand. "I'll fix your arm up."
Mairead shook her head tightly, still refusing to look at him.
"Mairead," he said, "you're hurt. You're bleeding."
"I'm fine," she growled through gritted teeth.
"You're obviously in pain," he tried to reason with her. "Let me help you."
"I can do it myself," she spat, glaring daggers off to one side of him.
"It's your wand arm that's hurt," Remus argued. "How are you going to -" he reached for her arm as he spoke and she jerked away from him, crashing into a table behind her and causing the candles on its surface to jump and gutter.
"Don't touch me!" she cried sharply. Her eyes were wide with alarm and her voice sounded shrill and panicky, allowing Remus to see with his own eyes an echo of the flashback Charlie and Tonks had spoken about. This was not the first time Remus had seen Mairead express fear of the horrors in her past, but he had never before wholly considered the full weight of the trauma she was carrying around with her, which she normally hid so well but which had reared its head and caught her in its grip, brought her back under its control.
Remus held perfectly still as he considered her, trying to decide how best to proceed. She was cowering away from him, arms hugging herself tightly, breathing in tight, tense gasps. As he weighed his next move, though, he watched her expression shift. It was as if all of the fight went out of her. She stared blankly across the room, looking thoroughly beaten.
"Can you just say what you have to say so that I can go?" she asked in a hollow, dead-sounding voice. All of the spirit that he adored so much was gone, leaving a forlorn, lost-looking young woman.
She's gone back into her shell, he thought with a sinking feeling. She hasn't done this to me in ages.
Remus couldn't stand this. He couldn't stand her looking so hurt. He couldn't stand her sounding so defeated. The distance from her was killing him. The barriers - barriers he knew perfectly well he, himself, had placed between them - were driving him to distraction. He longed for the closeness they had presently shared - the closeness he had run away from.
"Mairead," he murmured pleadingly.
"Yes, sir?" she said in the same toneless voice.
The formality was unbearable. He sighed. "Please don't do this."
Something broke in her. She finally looked around at him, and Remus could see that she was at her wits' end. "Then what do you want me to do?" she asked him. "Please - just tell me what it is you want me to do. Tell me what you want! Tell me what you want and I'll do it, I swear I'll do it. Do you want me to leave the Order? I'll resign tonight. I'll write to Dumbledore. You want me out of your life? I'm gone. You'll never hear from me again. Just - just tell me what you want, because I don't know! I don't know what you want from me. Maybe you don't want anything. Maybe I was just a stupid idiot to think that - that -"
She broke off and ran a hand through her hair, eyes wild and distraught as she grew more frantic. "I never should have joined the Order. I never should have come here. I'm just a liability. You're right - I'm just a stupid child and I never should have thought that I - that I could - that I had something to -" Her voice broke and she pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry," she croaked out after a few moments of trying to control her emotions. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You want me to be sorry? Is that what you want? I am sorry. I'm sorry! I'm sorry I ruined the mission. I'm sorry I put everybody in danger. I'm sorry I treated the Order like a social club. I'm sorry I agreed to go on the mission and - and - and I'm sorry that I didn't agree to go on the mission. I don't know what else I should have done but clearly I should have done something different and I'm sorry that I don't know what that was. I'm sorry that I'm not older and I'm sorry that I'm a Squib and I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my shit together today and I am very, very sorry that I kissed you, because I can't help but think that if I just hadn't done that then maybe you wouldn't h-hate me so much. Maybe none of the rest of this would have happened."
Her voice abandoned her and she clamped a hand over her mouth, gasping for breath.
Remus watched her fight back her tears, stunned by her outburst, wanting to comfort her but afraid of what would happen if he did. She had told him not to touch her, and he needed to respect that.
He didn't know where to begin apologizing. He opened his mouth, and the first thing that came out was, "I don't hate you."
"Yes, you do," she snarled.
"No, I don't," he said insistently.
"Yes, you fucking do!" she shouted.
Remus's nerves were completely shot. He was worn out from worrying about her, and it truly had been one hell of a week. Guilt was rapidly eating away at his internal organs and he felt like a monster for making her feel this way, but despite all of this, a tiny smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. If she still had enough fire in her to curse and shout at him, then perhaps he could still salvage things.
"I'm sorry for the things I said out in the hall, Mairead," he said. "I - I have no excuse. I didn't mean them and I never should have said them. I was scared. I was worried. You - I don't think you have any idea how worried I was when the others came back without you."
Mairead's eyes flashed, and she fixed him with a glare of searing fury. "I'm sorry I scared you with how selfish and childish I was being," she said bitingly. "Don't worry - your precious Order is safe. And as soon as I'm gone you won't have to worry about me fucking things up ever again."
Remus met her furious eyes sadly. "I wasn't talking about the Order," he said softly.
"Wh-" Mairead paused mid-retort. "Charlie and Fleur and Tonks, then," she amended.
Remus shook his head. "I was talking about you," he said.
Mairead narrowed her eyes and shook her head. "No, you weren't," she said bitterly.
Remus took a chance, and took one step closer to her. "Yes, I was," he murmured, looking intently at her.
Mairead backed up, pressing herself against the table behind her to maintain the distance between them. She shook her head stubbornly. "No. You don't like me anymore."
Remus frowned. "Mairead," he said softly, confused by her obstinacy. "I really am sorry for the way I behaved earlier. I truly didn't mean the things I said. I was afraid. Haven't you ever done anything you shouldn't have when you were afraid?"
"I'm not talking about today!" she said hotly. "Or, I'm not just talking about today."
He shook his head, feeling perplexed. "Then what are you talking about?" he asked.
Mairead snapped. "You don't like me anymore!" she cried. "You don't want to be friends anymore! You don't talk to me anymore! You don't smile at me anymore! You won't even be in the same room as me anymore!" She broke off and let out a defeated whimper. "You won't even look at me anymore."
Remus stared at her, mouth slightly open. Was that what she thought? Was that the reason she had concocted in her head for his stepping back? He had assumed she would be relieved by his absence. He had figured that she would welcome some relief from his constant flirtation and demands on her attention. It had never occurred to him that she might misinterpret his withdrawal and blame herself.
"I -" he faltered. "I've been doing this for you."
It was Mairead's turn to stare. "What?" she said in disbelief. "Why?"
"Because of the way I attacked you at the lake house," he said, still bewildered as to why this was not obvious to her.
"I kissed you," she said slowly, looking at him uncertainly, like she thought he might not remember.
Remus tilted his head and gave her a look that told her to be reasonable. "You kissed me because I manipulated you," he said shamefacedly. "You kissed me because I spent months confusing and misleading you, and behaving in an utterly unprofessional manner towards you. You kissed me because I created circumstances in which you felt you had to."
There was a long silence following his admission of guilt. Remus waited, stomach tightening with nerves, for Mairead to condemn him.
Instead, she looked at him like he was out of his mind and once again said, "What? Where the fuck did that come from?"
Remus sighed. "Mairead, you're confused right now -" he began softly, but she cut him off.
"Oh, don't be so goddamn condescending," she snapped impatiently. "I'm not a child."
"You were a child when we met," he pointed out.
"No, I wasn't!" she yelled. "I have been of age the entire time we've known each other! And besides - you didn't kiss me when we met. You didn't walk into my train compartment, be like, 'Oh, sorry about the dementor, is that your vomit I see on the floor?' and kiss me."
"That's not the point," he said patiently. "The point is, there are power dynamics at play here that I knew about - knew fully about - and took advantage of. I took advantage of you and assaulted you."
"I. Kissed. You," Mairead ground through her teeth.
"You may have kissed me, but I seduced you," Remus said resolutely. "I got you to that point. I knew full well that you'd been drinking, and I knew that you make bad decisions when you drink - something you told me in confidence, mind you, believing you could trust me. But I took advantage of your trust in me, and I took advantage of our past relationship dynamics, and I took advantage of your vulnerability, and I took advantage of my knowledge that you've had a troubled past with other, older men in positions of power over you -"
"Hold on," Mairead held up a hand and interrupted him. "Can we just put a pause on this wheel of insanity for a second? Are you under the impression that I kissed you because I've got Daddy issues?"
Remus's mouth opened, then closed, as he floundered for an answer. "Don't you?" he finally faltered.
"Fuck you!" Mairead snapped. "I kissed you because I l-"
She broke off and immediately blushed a deep red, finally bringing some color back to her wan complexion.
Remus held his breath. She was looking at the ground, biting her lip, but he wished wildly that she would look back up at him, wished that she would finish her sentence. If she had been about to say what it sounded like she was about to say...
"Why did you kiss me?" he asked her in a whisper.
He watched the flush travel down her neck and disappear under the collar of her shirt. He wanted more than anything to follow the blush with his lips as far down as it went.
Mairead shifted, looking miserably embarrassed. Then, to his dismay, her eyes filled with tears again. "It doesn't matter," she said thickly. "It doesn't matter anymore. I've ruined everything. I always ruin everything." She ducked her head and leaned back against the table behind her for support as she hid her face in her hands, depression settling back over her.
Oh, my God, I think she likes me, Remus thought. Good Godric, she kissed me because she likes me.
He had to fix this. His mind began turning rapidly. He had to find a way to put these pieces back together, pieces he himself had dismantled, not understanding what they added up to.
"You didn't ruin anything," he murmured to her. "May - I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't realize I was hurting you."
She didn't answer.
"Please - please forgive me," he begged her softly. "I didn't know. I didn't know you felt that way. I thought that what I did was unwanted. I've been trying to be respectful. That's why I've been so far away. I've been doing this for you."
Mairead finally looked up at him then. Her eyes were bloodshot and her skin was so pale she looked green. Her chin was trembling and blood was smeared on her face.
She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Remus thought reverently.
"Please," he whispered. "I had it all wrong. I've been trying to protect you. I've been trying to keep my distance."
She sniffled. "Well, can you please stop?" she asked hoarsely.
Remus nodded. "Yes, absolutely."
He closed the distance between them then, her directive not to touch her forgotten as he slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to his chest. He felt her nuzzle her face in between his jaw and his collarbone, and the tension that had been steadily building for the past two weeks finally released, and he could breathe freely again.
He wrapped his arms tightly around her, rocking her slowly back and forth in his arms, breathing in her scent like it was his first time breathing fresh air in weeks. He felt her lift one arm up and wrap it around his shoulders, but the other hung limply at her side, bringing him back to the events of that afternoon with an unpleasant sinking feeling.
"My poor, sweet girl," he whispered into her hair. "What happened to you in that house?"
He felt her entire form go rigid. She stopped breathing and held perfectly still, like she was listening for something. She began breathing again, but it came in small gasps that became steadily more rapid until Remus feared she might hyperventilate. Before he could intervene though, she snapped.
It was like a dam of emotion burst inside her. Her legs gave out and Remus tightened his arms reflexively around her to hold her upright as she began to cry like he had never seen her cry before.
These were not the cries of an adult woman trying to hold herself together. These were the cries of a child, of someone too young to understand what she had seen, only that it was wrong. Remus held her weight, grateful that at least she did not have to go through this alone. His concern briefly sharpened into alarm when, after she had been sobbing loudly for several long minutes, she began to have what Remus guessed was a panic attack. Her sobs turned into screams and she clung to him with her good arm, got her feet under her and pressed her body desperately against his as though trying to burrow inside him and hide from whatever was playing out in her mind.
Acting more on instinct than on any kind of training, Remus steadied her with one arm behind her back, bent down to hook his other arm behind her knees, and lifted her into his arms. He carried her over to a couch and sat down, pulling her into his lap and wrapping his arms tightly around her again.
Remus heard a noise behind him presently and looked over his shoulder to see Sirius poking his head into the room, alerted by the commotion. When he spotted Remus holding Mairead on the couch, the alarm left his face, leaving a somber expression.
"Do you need anything?" he mouthed.
Remus shook his head once.
Sirius's mouth tightened in regret, then he bowed his head and slipped out, closing the door softly behind him.
Night fell outside as Remus held Mairead. He murmured soft nothings in her ear, gradually soothing her panic until she was merely crying again. After more than an hour, Mairead eventually cried herself out. Remus felt her muscles relax as she leaned, exhausted and spent, against his chest. Remus rested his chin on her head, lost in his own thoughts.
"I'm sorry."
Remus was brought out of his reverie by Mairead's voice, hoarse and rough from crying. He dropped a soft kiss into her hair.
"I'm sorry," he replied quietly.
She shifted and pulled away from him a little. "Thank you," she said, then cleared her throat. "For, erm... for staying with me."
Remus said nothing, but reached up and tenderly brushed her hair away from her face. He felt her lean into his hand, and the trust she showed, letting him touch her face when she was so vulnerable, both touched him and broke his heart even more than her simple act of turning her head and pressing a tiny kiss into the palm of his hand.
Brows coming together fretfully, Remus breathed, "We can't, Mairead."
Mairead looked at him and he knew that she knew what he was talking about.
"You don't want to?" she asked, so quietly she barely made a sound.
Remus sighed. "It's not a matter of wanting," he said, sidestepping her question. "It's a matter of right and wrong. We can't be together."
"Oh, okay," she said, looking down. Then, looking back up, "Why?"
He smiled sadly at her. "I think you know why," he said gently. "May, I'm a werewolf. I used to be your professor. You used to be my student. I'm thirty-five. I don't have a job, not a Galleon to my name. I've got nothing to offer you."
Mairead's mouth twitched and she delicately shifted herself so that she was sitting beside him instead of between his thighs.
"Okay," she said once she had gathered her thoughts. "I think it would be best to start with the inherent sexism in what you just said."
Remus couldn't help himself; he burst out laughing. "I'm an unemployed, extremely dangerous half-breed and your primary concern with me is that I'm anti-feminist?" he said.
Mairead spread her hands. "Well," she thought for a moment. "Yes. If we're talking about deal-breakers here, then yes."
"I just listed half a dozen deal-breakers!" he said, still half-laughing.
"To you, maybe," she argued. "To me you just listed half a dozen things you don't like about yourself."
"I just listed half a dozen deal-breakers to all of society. Except for you," he added when she opened her mouth to argue. "May, I just listened to you cry for an hour. I still don't have any idea what happened to you when you were a child - what was done to you - but I do know that it was horrific. You deserve security. You deserve safety. You deserve a network of friends and loved ones who can support you and help you heal from your childhood - whatever happened in it. That's what I can't offer you. I wasn't talking about not being to offer you some patriarchal, paternalistic future in which all of your needs are seen to by a man. I was talking about not being able to offer you basic stability."
Mairead thought about this for a moment, then said, "But you do have a network of friends and loved ones," she argued. "You have the Order. They all love you."
Remus shook his head. "They all tolerate me," he said. "A few of them might view me as a friend. But if they found out that I was having an affair with an ex-student?"
Something in Mairead's face changed as she took this in. Remus watched her mull this over, could practically see her trying to find a workaround, but in the end, she nodded. "I understand," she said softly.
"I'm sorry," Remus said, because it felt like the right thing to say, even though he was positive that one day she would come to look back on this decision and feel a heady sense of relief that she hadn't chosen to get involved with him.
"Does that -" she started, then stopped, biting her lower lip.
"Hmm?"
"...So, what does this mean now?" she asked tentatively.
Remus tilted his head. "What do you want it to mean?" he asked.
Mairead pulled both lips into her mouth now, looking fretful. She pushed herself to standing and began pacing the room, taking deep breaths. Remus stood too, watching her closely for signs of another panic attack.
"Are you all right?" he asked her.
She paused in her pacing and turned to face him. "Look," she said, sounding meek and unsure of herself. "I - I totally understand why you don't want to... to... erm... to... with me, I mean. It makes complete sense. And that's fine! If you don't want me, if you don't want to be together, I totally get that. But..." Her fingers twisted around themselves and she looked like she was screwing her courage up. "Please don't go away again," she said pleadingly. "Please don't... don't take yourself away from me. Please... please don't do that. I - I don't care what we are. I just - I don't care what it is. I just - I just want to be near you." She let her hands fall to her sides and her voice dropped to a whisper as she looked pathetically at him. "Please - that's all I want. Please don't take yourself away from me again. Please just let me be near you."
Remus stared at her, scarcely able to believe that his presence meant so much to her. His heart squeezed painfully with both the fear and ecstasy he felt at her baldfaced confession of her feelings for him.
He held her gaze as he crossed the distance between them and pulled her back into his arms.
"I'm sorry," he apologized into her hair. "I didn't know that I was hurting you."
"So..." she said in a tiny voice. "So can we still... be around each other?"
He sighed and pulled away to look down at her. "Friends?" he asked.
She let out a shaky laugh and nodded. "Friends," she confirmed.
Remus found himself smiling broadly at her. "Good," he said. Then, with a glance at her right shoulder, he added, "Now, will you please let me heal your shoulder for you?"
She let out a little giggle, which Remus was embarrassed to admit set butterflies off in his stomach, and nodded again.
Remus pulled out his wand and delicately turned her arm so that he could see the wound better in the firelight.
"This isn't that bad," he murmured as he held her arm still with one hand and worked on the wound with the other. "The bleeding has stopped."
Mairead nodded and silently watched him work. Remus carefully cleaned the wound out, watching Mairead for signs of pain. The muscles in her arm jumped when a large flake of dried blood sloughed off and the wound began leaking blood again, but she did not utter a sound.
"Ferula," he muttered, tapping her arm with his wand. He tugged lightly at the bandaging in a few places to make sure he was satisfied before releasing her arm. "Finished," he said softly, stowing his wand away.
She offered him his favorite sweet, shy smile. "Thank you," she said.
"You're very welcome," he replied, feeling his eyes soften as he looked at her lovely face. He noticed that he hadn't let go of her arm with his left hand, but rather was stroking the side of her elbow with his thumb. He didn't know what made him do it - most likely a brief lapse in his self-control brought about by his distraction while healing her - but he leaned down, tilted his head, and brushed his lips against the bandage on her arm. "All better," he murmured against her.
He heard her gasp quietly. This close to her, he could hear her heartbeat, could hear the way it had begun to quicken when he had kissed her arm. Feeling his own heart rate climb, he straightened and met her eyes. Her pupils were wide and dark, and he watched her unconsciously dart her tongue out to moisten her lips.
He tried to control himself, he really did. But when he took a deep breath to steady his emotions, he caught a lungful of her scent: vanilla and brown sugar, and something else, something new...
Arousal.
With a groan of defeat, Remus grabbed her face with both hands and crushed his mouth against hers. Mairead made a sound of surprise, but immediately returned the kiss, opening her mouth, inviting him inside.
Remus grabbed the invitation with both hands. He swept his tongue inside her mouth, moaning with longing and satisfaction when his tongue found hers. He could taste the residual salt from her tears, as well as more of the sweetness he could smell on her. His nostrils flared and he sucked in a gasp of air, breathing in the scent of her desire, losing his mind, losing himself in her, in the sensory overload that was touching her face and hair, tasting her lips and tongue, smelling her pheromones, feeling her wrap her arms around him, hearing her gasp and moan into his mouth.
Remus lost his head entirely. Without breaking the kiss, he frantically walked her backwards until her back crashed into the table she had been up against earlier. He slid his hands down her body to grasp her hips, lifting her easily and bringing her to sit on the table. Mairead squeaked in surprise at the change in position, but didn't object, bringing her hands into his hair. Remus moaned deeply at the incredible feeling of her fingers tugging at his hair, setting off a tingling sensation in his scalp that swept down his spine and lent fire to the surging, pulsing lust in his core.
Wrapping his arms around her, Remus nudged at her knees with his hips. Mairead quickly caught onto the hint and parted her legs. Remus stepped between them and pulled her closer until their centers met. Mairead let out a breathy whimper and kissed him harder as Remus ground his erection against the heat he could feel emanating from her core.
Remus pulled away from her mouth. He briefly caught a glimpse of her - wild-eyed, lips red and swollen, face flushed from heat and lust - then ducked his head and latched his lips onto her collarbone. Mairead cried out and arched against him, sending pulses of pleasure through his body. He had to have her. Stopping was not only a ridiculous option, it was no longer an option at all.
He trailed kisses along her collarbone, then began kissing a path down her chest. At the same time, his hands found the hem of her shirt and began pushing it up, not caring whether his mouth or his hands reached her breasts first.
Mairead was making the most sinfully pleasurable sounds. Her body pulsated beneath his, pressing up against him, seeking out more contact.
Remus was more than happy to oblige.
He leaned forward, urging her to lie back on the table. He followed her down to its surface, leaning over her body, half on top of her, lips never leaving her sweet and salty skin. He ground his hips against hers and she made the most incredibly debauched noise. He saw her glance down at his hands working her shirt higher up her stomach. Arching her spine up into him, she released his hair and reached her arms back over her head, wordlessly giving him permission to remove her top.
There was a clatter, which Remus was prepared to ignore, then an odd flareup of light, which Remus glanced at, irritated at the interruption.
"Oh, God!" he cried in alarm.
Grabbing Mairead around the waist, he yanked her upright just before the candle that had been knocked over set fire to her hair.
Mairead put her hands on Remus's shoulders to steady herself, then looked behind her in surprise and confusion.
"Oh!" she exclaimed at the sight of the fire catching on the papers littered across the desk.
Remus waved a hand wordlessly, extinguishing the fire. He clicked his fingers and the papers restored themselves to their original state.
Mairead sighed in relief and rested her head against his chest. Remus wrapped his arms around her and could feel her heart pounding.
Remus took deep breaths, calming his lust and returning to a rational state of mind.
Mairead pulled away enough to look up at him. He smiled sadly at her hopeful expression.
"We shouldn't have done that," he said guiltily.
Mairead sighed fretfully. "Why not?" she asked. He chuckled at her impetuous tone.
"Mairead, regardless of anything else, this is not how you deserve to be treated," he said firmly. "I am not going to take you up against a table in a drawing room. You deserve so much better than that."
"So take me upstairs," she suggested. She gazed up at him and - Good Lord - he almost did what she said.
With a sigh, Remus leaned over and chastely kissed her hairline. "We've already been over this," he reminded her patiently. "We can't do this."
Mairead's mouth twitched unhappily, but she did not argue with him, for which he was unspeakably grateful. He was not sure how much self-control he had left.
With a herculean effort, Remus stepped away from her. He immediately missed her warmth, but pushed his longing aside as he offered her his hands to help her hop down from the table.
Mairead bit her lip thoughtfully. "So... friends?" she asked cautiously, as though worried their lapse in judgment would have a negative effect on their earlier arrangement.
Remus smiled fondly at her, hoping to reassure her.
"Friends."
Author's Note: Well? Do you forgive me? I gave you another impassioned snogging session as an apology! Did Mad-Eye hand Bill et al's asses to them to your satisfaction? And did you think Remus getting so scared he lost his temper was in-character or out-of-character for him? How do you think they'll do at being friends after all this? Please let me know! 3
