A/N 1:
The story continues. Not sure what to add. My brain is spinning, writing both of these stories simultaneously. I hope you are finding this story interesting, and all the characters are believable.
A/N 2:
Don't own Chuck. Don't make any money from this. But it's better than hanging around in front of convenience stores.
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Salvation – Body and Soul
Stephen and Mary had been watching Chuck and Sarah's dance. It was a ballet of attraction and avoidance. For nearly 2 weeks they had watched as Chuck and Sarah shared their silent space, shared space, but not a sharing space, in proximity, but afraid to be together.
"Mary, we need to do something, and since we're heading back to Washington soon, I think I should talk with Chuck and Sarah." Stephen smiles at her," I think we can relate better than most about the toll this life takes. The harsh realities we have to face."
Mary nods in agreement, her face painted with her own regrets.
He continues, "How can they connect with each other, when they've each built walls of personal regrets and shame. I need to talk to them, try to help them reach some level of self-acceptance, and then maybe they can accept the love of each other."
The next evening, Stephen calls for a meeting in Sarah's room. Once everyone arrives, he turns and faces Chuck straight on, and looks directly into his eyes.
He bluntly states, "Chuck, I know that you have killed people."
Chuck feels like his dad had just doused him with gallons of ice water. All of his muscles clench, all breath is squeezed out of his lungs, and his stomach is knotted. His mind locks and time stops.
If he could have looked around the room he would have seen Sarah's hand fly to her mouth, her eyes wide, his Mom's expression was one of sadness and care, while Casey's eyes widened with respect and, surprisingly enough, compassion. Only Carina looked unaffected by the statement, since she had been there for it all.
"You can't let it kill you." Chuck's dad held his eyes and continued. "A reality of life is rabid dogs, and it sucks to be the one who has to put them down. You didn't make bad people, and I am not wise enough to know why they exist. I just know that we have to deal with them. Thus, the saying that all it takes for evil men to succeed, is for good men to stand aside."
Stephen smiled at Chuck, reaching out and squeezing both of his shoulders. "I am proud that you never chose to stand aside. I am saddened that you had to deal with it that intensely."
He dropped his hands, the smile fading from his face, "In the Ring War you experienced the fight, first hand. You actually had to bloody your hands, to stop the enemy. And now, your analysis and advice is prompting military action. You are behind the pulling of those trigger's, too. I am a scientist and a creator. I value life. And, I have directly or indirectly pulled triggers. Hell, I've launched actual Hellfires. But, we have helped or saved many, many more lives in the process. Your help in taking down drug dealers, dictators, and warlords has undeniably made the world a better place."
"I know all of this has racked you with guilt. I can't remove that guilt, but I can try to lessen its sharpness, by reminding you that you are not alone. All of us, who have taken on the fight for good, have done harsh things, painfully necessary things, to get the job done. You have been the tip of the spear and it has made a difference." Stephen emphasized.
Stephen softened his tone, adding import to his words, "As an adult, you realize that no one's hands are truly clean. There is no nation that doesn't have blood on its hands. If you are a citizen, you implicitly support the political actions and objectives of your country, and that can often involve conflict, if not war. It's not fair for anyone to deny their complicity, and off-load guilt from the trigger pulling to our soldiers, pretending that none of the moral burden is theirs to share".
Casey was slowly nodding, appreciative of the understanding. He had taken on that moral burden many, many times over the years, in the name of duty
Lighting his tone, trying to inject some hopefulness in this somber message, Stephen pushes on, "A frustrating that part of adulthood is realizing and accepting that the world is an amazing, wonderful, screwed up place, filled with amazing and wonderful and flawed people. You can't let all the bad, which you can't fix, drive you crazy. How? By simultaneously working to improve the world. We have to deal with the world that is, while imaging, and working for a better world. There is a famous quote, that more or less says, 'I don't look around and ask why, I dream of what can be and ask why not.' and you work for that. That is how you keep your heart and soul, in this imperfect world."
Taking Chuck's shoulders into his hands again, he looks him directly in the eyes, "Don't let the pain of your past prevent you from having happiness in your future." And then he looks over to Sarah, hoping she would take the message to heart as well.
"You are an adult now, Charles Irving Bartowski, doing an important job. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I am so, so proud of you for always leading with your heart, and doing all you can to not hurt others."
"You're Aces, Charles, Aces."
Mary's eyes are brimming with tears. Even Casey's and Carina's eyes are glistening. Sarah is softly sobbing, recognizing herself in that story, guilt being replaced by absolution with every falling tear.
Chuck collapses into his father's arms, sobbing, Stephen's own eyes producing a trail of tears down to a crooked, emotionally twisted smile. That seemed to make a difference. I hope it helps to heal his soul, and Sarah's too, so they can finally allow themselves to be happy.
Stephen holds out his hand and pulls Mary into a 3 way hug.
Carina moves to Sarah's side, stroking her head and cooing reassuring words.
Casey takes in the scene, sighs, then shoves it all in a box, compartmentalizing it with all of his other feelings and memories. And, he stands and mans the wall.
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A few days later, after work, Casey pulls Chuck aside. "Hey Bartowski, you got a few?"
"Sure Case, what's up? Everything OK?"
"I don't know, is it? I know your dad's speech set you on your heels, and I imaging your brain is chewing over all of that."
A frown falls over Chuck's face as he nods.
"So, I wanted to tell you a little bit about how I handle all of the crap we have to do in this business." Casey explains.
"Why is the world fucked up? I decided long ago that was above my pay grade. I just know that some things seem to be right and some things seem to be wrong, and I would always do the things that I thought were right. I wish the world was better, so I just try to do what I can to make the world better, and if that requires eliminating…. No, I'll own it…. killing some bad people, then that is a duty I can accept."
Casey pauses, reflecting for a moment, before continuing. "So, I never had much guilt about doing what I thought was right."
"Does this viewpoint work for everyone? Don't know. Beyond my pay grade. I just know it works for me. I don't expect anyone else to necessarily see it the same way, but that's how I'm making it through this life. Maybe it is my religious upbringing, but I see things in mostly black and white and leave the gray to God."
He looks Chuck square in the face, and clearly states, "So as far as I'm concerned, if I was your commanding officer, you would have a clean record and a clear conscience."
Chuck's breath catches. Casey putting it so bluntly, brought all the related emotions right to the surface. And Casey's acquittal of his personal crimes, seems to ease his remorse.
Shifting to a look of understanding, Casey continues, "And, I think there is a good woman in the other room over there that you are depriving of your healing presence, and depriving yourself of something I know makes you happy, all because of this guilt that you have. I don't know how to fix your guilt. Other than to say, get over it, I guess. Box it up for the time being. Put it somewhere else to cry over in the future, and make the best of now. Try to find some happiness. And, know that I think yours is yards away."
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Casey pops his head in Sarah's doorway. "You up and at 'em yet?", he teases.
"You bet! I'm just rarin' to go after that big breakfast." Sarah says, pointing to her yogurt cup.
Casey holds his hands up in surrender. "I'm sure they will start giving you more food, as your stomach recovers from all of the sedatives. And, with the PT you've started."
"Yeah, I know. I'm just antsy being in bed so much. Although, I don't hate the sleep, it lets me escape the headaches. I don't know when I have truly rested this much. Those drugs are good!" She says with a smirk.
She then grows pensive, and stares into space. "Yeah, unconscious is good."
"Well, I think it's time you started consciously living." he boisterously says. "Get out of that Zombie state Carina said you were in. You know you've got things to live for." he tells her, with a knowing look.
"Yeah? I don't know. I am so screwed up. My Dad and Graham screwed me up so bad. I am realizing that I don't even know who I am, what I want, what the hell I want to do tomorrow. I am a mess. And I'm afraid I messed others up." She looks up, strait into Casey's eyes. "The CIA ruined me", with a sob she adds, "and now they've ruined him." She drops her head and she softly sobs.
Casey vehemently responds, "Walker, you didn't break him." More softly he adds, "You didn't ruin him, Sarah."
She argues, "But I've heard the stories. He's killed people."
Casey steps to her bed, and sits on the side of it.
With a wry grin he adds, "And he was apparently trying to out Bryce, Bryce Larkin. That's not Chuck"
He pauses and then continues, "That is Charles Carmichael." He laughs. "Whoever the hell that is. That is Chuck trying to be a spy. But, the important thing is that Chuck is still underneath it all."
"Lots of people do stupid crap as they're trying to figure out who they are. Chuck's trying to figure out who he's being forced to be. And, that's not on you Walker. That's on Bryce, that's on Beckman, that's on Graham. And, how about the mind fuck his parents did on him. That all contributed to him being who he is now."
Casey makes sure Sarah looks him strait in the eyes. "You can't take it all on you."
He smiles, "And who he is now, still isn't that bad. He may not be puppy dog Bartowski that you had in Burbank. But he's still a great guy. He's now a good man."
Casey puts his hand on Sarah's shoulder. "And I know that he forgives you, and cares about you deeply, and wants nothing more than to have you around."
Sarah is still so emotionally raw when it comes to Chuck, that it takes her a moment for the words to make it through her emotional pain. But, Casey's logic was helping to lessen that pain.
Could it be true, could it be that my Chuck is still possible to embrace? And, if I did embrace him, what would that mean for my future? What is my future? What do I want my future to be? She asked herself.
These are all questions that had never been on her radar, anytime in the past, let alone for the past 2 years when she was simply trying to live through each moment.
"He's a good kid," Casey says and then corrects himself. "He's a good man, and you helped to create part of the good that he is. So, just forgive yourself. Accept him as he is now, and figure out what the hell you want out of life. But I'd like to say, whatever that is, you deserve it to be good." Casey squeezes her shoulder, stands, and begins walking out of the room.
Sarah calls to him, causing him to pause in the doorway and turn back. "Hey Casey, when did you get so good with the Lady feelings?"
He smiles a crooked smile. "We've all changed. I'm hoping for the better. Who knew Bartowski could soothe the savage breast." He winks at her and slaps his palm on the doorsill a couple of times.
"Think about what I said", and then he was gone, heading back to work.
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A/N3:
Your reviews are appreciated. Let me know your thoughts about how the story is going.
