A/N 1:

OK, it's been a while. Turns out this writing business is tricky. Finished up Charina, and needed to get my head back into Chara. Read some of the other fanfiction and intimidated myself out of writing. Talked myself back into it, taking it as a challenge to do better. And, boy has it been going slowly. Sadly, your characters can't be smarter or wittier than you are, dang it. So, I am working at it.

To recap, this is drama not action, as we observe the personal journeys each of the characters are making. The 2 main ones are; Part 1 How does Chuck cope with being a spy?, and Part 2 How does Sarah cope with being a person? My Charina story showed Tough girl Carina learning to be soft. Here we have Soft girl Sarah learning to shed her learned toughness.

So, we start with several chapters of Chuck being a spy and trying to deal with its effects on his personality. He hides behind Carmichael. Sarah is in the background, melting down from her regrets of despoiling "Her Chuck".

Then Chuck rescued Sarah, and thrown together they realize they can't stand to be apart, but don't know how to be together. So, Sarah is using this time to discover her true self and become a whole person who could have a real relationship. Chuck's journey has brought him there, already, so he is supporting Sarah in her journey. So, we pick back up there. Sarah finding herself and Chuck patiently helping her, they are celibate as he waits for her commitment.

As a reminder,

This AU diverts after Chuck was offered the Rome assignment. Also, circumstances, such as they are, never led to Other Guy, American Hero, or Tic Tac.

Chuck heads to Rome as a new agent, and is teamed with Carina Miller. Chuck sees that Sarah obviously goes for the "super spy" type of guy, and he tries to turn himself into that kind of spy. He and Carina live a wild lifestyle in Rome, with plenty of sexual encounters between themselves and with others. And they are also wildly successful with their professional lives, as they complete mission after mission and are instrumental in taking down The Ring. Along the way, Chuck accepts using a real gun and has several kills to his name.

Sarah moved to DC to head the Intersect program along with Daniel Shaw and Casey. After a short personal relationship with Shaw, he disappeared and eventually was found dead at a Ring location. After she and Casey, in America, and Chuck and Carina, in Europe, finally defeat the Ring, Sarah continues with the CIA as a lone agent on her missions. A battle injured Casey eventually joins Chuck and Carina in Europe.

After a couple of years, Sarah is injured on a solo mission in Russia. She is taken to safety by Frost, and is transported to Italy to Chuck, Carina, and Casey's base. In Italy, Sarah and Chuck begin their journey of forgiveness and redemption.

A/N 2: I assume somebody owns Chuck? Maybe I should check through my dresser drawers. Not making any money from this.

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Chuck has a spring in his step as he walks from the office building to their residence. He has a long lunch break, and is happy to get to spend some extra time with Sarah in the middle of the day. I wonder what the delivery truck that I heard brought this morning? Lost in thought, he is startled when Sarah suddenly comes walking out of the garage, dressed in grubby clothes and wiping her hands. His reaction prompts a smile from her, and after a beat, in a normal voice, she says, "Boo!"

Chuck laughs. He so loves playful Sarah, and he loves how easy loving her is. "Hi. Yeah. I was just wondering about the truck I heard this morning." He looks at her inquisitively, "So, what are you up to?"

"Weeellll, actually, those things are related," Sarah playfully says, taking his hand and pulling him along, into the garage. "Tada" she exclaims, spreading her arms wide, showing off a pair of new bicycles. "I always wanted one when I was little, but never really had one. So I thought, what the heck, and bought myself one. And I got you one, too."

Chuck smiles and nods in appreciation, "Thank you very much." He walks over to the bicycles, running a hand along one. They aren't mountain bikes, they aren't racing bikes, there isn't anything high performance about them. They are just regular old bikes. One is green, with a blue flag attached to the seat, the other blue, with a green flag attached to the seat. On the handle bar he finds a bell. "A bell!" he exclaims, then rings it several times. Sarah actually giggles and claps her hands, bouncing on her toes with excitement at his pleased response.

Chuck takes it all in, like a big breath of fresh air, at the seaside, in the morning. He steps away from the bikes and picks her up in his arms, spinning her around, "I love them! They look like so much fun."

Sarah holds him close, her head against his chest, soaking in all of the happiness of this moment. She blinks away the tears of happiness that tickle at her eyes, then steps away, turning towards the bikes, while still holding his hand. "I can't wait until we get a chance to ride them."

"How about now?" Chuck suggests, with a grin.

Sarah turns to him wide eyed and open mouthed. "Right now?" she repeats, almost squealing in excitement.

Chuck is wide eyed in amazement? Who is this? I have never seen Sarah so openly emotional, light hearted and carefree. She told me to have patience, as she discovered herself and her many sides. But this doesn't require patience. This requires a good grip, in order to hold on to her roller coaster ride of experiences and emotions.

He laughs in total pleasure, at her excited response. "Yes. Right Now. I have time for a long lunch, and was coming to ask you to join me. Now, I think we should take a bike ride. There is a little park with a pond only a few blocks away, with little shops around it. We could grab a sandwich at the cafe. How does that sound?"

Sarah claps her hands, steps in to give him a big hug, then steps over to the bikes. Standing between them, she spreads her hands like a television presenter and asks him, "Which one do you want?"

Thinking over what she has worn recently, as well as other choices she made, where color was a factor, Chuck suspects that she is discovering that her favorite color is blue. "The green one", he decides. "It's all naturey and stuff," he explained with a grin. "And besides, you always look beautiful in blue." Blue had become his favorite color, the first time he looked into her eyes.

Sarah blushes, pleased at the compliment. Then I am going to be picking up a little blue dress, to wear for you soon. "Okay, Mr. Sweet Talker, I wouldn't mind staying here all day and have you tell me sweet nothings," she says with a big grin, "but we need to get you fed, before you have to go back to work. So, let's get this show on the road. Or, bike path, as the case may be." adding a wink. She steps up to him, places her hand on his chest, leans in close, and whispers in his ear. "You can continue with the sweet talk tonight." Then she nips his ear, as she steps away.

"Eeeep!" was Chuck's reply.

She pulls the blue bike out, straddles it, and starts walking it out the garage door. "Come on Bartowski. Show me your peddling moves." Her laughter was as light as the breeze that carried it across the lawn.

They playfully ride over to the park, weaving back and forth, taking turns leading, and making frequent use of their bells, alerting others of their silliness.

They park their bikes in front of the little café, Sarah leading the way. Once inside, she scans the menu and suggests gyros. "Sounds good to me". Chuck replies, so Sarah steps up to the counter and places their order, while Chuck gathers up napkins and such.

The park had benches, so they took their gyros and waters outside. They enjoyed the sunshine and the breeze, they enjoyed the sparkle of the water and the laughter of children, but mostly they just enjoyed each other's company.

Chuck reflects, This is so comfortable. This is so easy. There is no "It's complicated" to complicate things. We can finally be open about being together, and open with each other when we are together.

After eating, they pedal around the park some more, then stop to rest, sitting at a bench and looking out over the park. Sarah is soaking up the sunshine. Chuck is soaking up the Sarahshine. She seems so free, light, and happy.

"Freedom. That is what a bicycle meant to me as a little kid." Sarah offers, unprompted.

"Yeah?" Is Chuck's simple reply, leaving her encouraging room to continue.

"Yeah. For 9 year old Samira, a bicycle was freedom, it was liberating. I finally had one, after watching other kids ride theirs. I could only ride around our apartment's parking lot, but it was a big complex, so there was a fair amount of room. I would ride in circles, while my dad watched from the balcony, while he was on the phone. It was wonderful, it was liberating. We left it behind, when we had to run in the middle of the night, but for about a month it was sweet. I never had a bike again, other than one time for one of Dad's…um… jobs." She hurriedly continues. "Until now. So, this is my gift to 9 year old me."

They let the moment settle. Chuck finally, gently tells her, "Thanks for sharing that with me."

Sarah takes a moment, still working through the emotions behind her sharing, then explains, "Chuck, thank you for being someone I can share my stories with. You have to appreciate it is only you, whom I can do this with."

She sits up straighter and turns to him. "Chuck, I need to formally introduce you to someone." She holds out her hand. "My birth name is Samira Lisa Burton. Jenny Burton was a kind of alias. Dad needed to enroll me in school, long term, so he needed very clean documents. Just changing one name was easiest, so Jennifer Lisa Burton was enrolled in High School. So I am trying to remember and reconnect with Samira. It's just that I really haven't been Samira since I was around 12, and could reliably remember aliases."

Chuck nods along in understanding as Sarah gathers her thoughts. "As I try to figure myself out now, I am reconnecting with Samira by doing all of the things that she… that I always wanted to do. And I want to thank you for allowing me to share all of this with you."

She reaches out and squeezes his hand and smiles up at him. "I know it is surprising to you, how open I have been, in sharing with you. But, you need to realize that it is because you are uniquely you. My dad told me that you can't trust anyone. And any words you share, put you at risk because everyone is out to take advantage of you. The best option is to not say anything."

Sadness gathers in her eyes, as she pauses again, and takes a big breath to power herself through sharing this truth. She stares deeply in his eyes trying to emphasize the importance of her words. "You are my rebuttal to my dad. He was wrong. You are my challenge to the universe. I have told you personal and revealing things about me, and you never used it to hurt, manipulate or take advantage of me. So I have opened up more and more, and now every time I share something with you, I am defying the universe as I tell it 'Look, I have laid myself bare before him again, and again he does me no harm.' Chuck, you need to understand that you are the only one I trust this way."

Chuck grins his biggest grin, his nose crinkling and eyes sparkling. He squeezes her hand, but he holds his response, as he can tell that she has more that she needs to say.

Sarah lets go of his hand, and pulls back, to look at him completely, then she tentatively begins, "But, I need to ask you a question." Then she rushes out, "What if I decided to become a Nun?"

Surprised, Chuck asks, "Are you religious?"

"Not really, though I do think about it sometimes. But more importantly, if I became a Nun, and we could never be completely together, would you still be my friend? You know, if you could never touch me, would you still want me around?" Her eyes search his, looking for truth in his answer. She hurries on, "Or what if, for some reason, I fell in love with someone else, and we could never have a physical relationship, would you still want me around? Would you still want to be my friend?"

Taken aback by the question, stares at her with searching eyes of his own. Chuck firmly answers, "Yes, of course."

Baffled, Sarah asks, "Why? How? If we could never love each other, why would you still want me around?"

Chuck reaches out, grasping her upper arms, rubbing them soothingly. "Sarah, that is because you are confusing sex with love. I love Ellie, I love Devon, I love Morgan, I even love Carina and Casey. Love is about caring, it has nothing to do with sex. So, of course I will still love you, in any of those situations. Love is caring, unconditionally, for another." Smiling down at her, trying to show her the love in his eyes, he gently strokes her upper arms.

He continues, "Intimacy is also, not about sex. It is about being emotionally open with someone else. So I can be intimate with Ellie, and it isn't weird." Chuck slowly nods his head, subconsciously reinforcing his words. With an emphasizing pause, he adds. "Sex is merely the physical act of intertwining bodies." He blinks, then looks away as he softly shares, "And I've found that I can't do just sex."

Chuck then smiles, pulls her into his embrace, putting his head on her shoulder and explains his thoughts. "It's when sex and love and intimacy are combined that the magic happens." Chuck takes a breath and a moment to compose his thoughts. "I already love you, and always will, regardless of any circumstances. I am ready to offer you my intimacy, I am just waiting for you to commit to giving me yours, nothing held back, completely open and forever. Again, if you can't do that, I will still love you as a friend. But, if you can commit, I am completely yours, forever."

They lean in and kiss passionately but their surroundings keep it brief. After a moment, they realize the time and, with a final hug and kiss, they remount their bikes and pedal back to the villa.

On the ride home Sarah ponders, Why can't I commit? What he is describing sounds like everything I could dream of. It's the forever part. Can I truly say that we are right enough for each other, to commit to forever? Forever is big. Forever is permanent.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sarah's medical leave had lifted the burden of missions from her life. Chuck's current role, as an advisor, not a combatant, put an end to middle of the night missions and disruptions. So, they took advantage of being able to go out and do things. She is reliving her youth. Chuck is encouraging her to do things that she likes. He is giving her a safe and non-judgmental space to discover herself in. So, they do things, like go out on dates, that allow Sarah, and Samira, to get a taste of what high school dating would have been like.

This Saturday, they are out on a pleasant fall day, and they discover that apparently there is quite a crowd for the music festival, as the parking lots are full. Sarah is slowly winding through the lanes, as Chuck scouts for an open space. Sarah, being the better driver, is driving Chuck's car in these narrow confines.

"Say, Hallelujah!" Chuck exclaims, as he scrambles out of the car. Turning to look back in, he explains. "I see a spot, one row over. Meet me there." With that, he starts navigating his way through the cars. Sarah checks that things are clear, then puts the car through its paces, which would have been more appropriate at Le Mans, and soon is squeezing the car into the spot Chuck had found. She pops the trunk for him, then gathers her things and exits the car.

"There's my kick-ass, ninja, speed racer, girl." Chuck laughingly teases her.

Sarah smirks at him, blue eyes twinkling, and closes the distance between them. She grasps the front of his shirt, pulling him closer, looks in his eyes and states, "And you wouldn't have it any other way." She quickly kisses him on the lips, then turns to grab her backpack from the trunk.

Once again, she has momentarily broken Chuck, as he stands there lost in the moment, a goofy grin on his face. She is right, I wouldn't have her be any other way. It's so hot when she takes control of a situation, whether it is driving, deciding on dinner, or leading the way through a crowd. She just radiates competence and control. Chuck finds it enthralling.

Coming to his senses, he gathers up his own backpack. They lock the car and join the crowds heading to the Festival entrance. It's a sprawling event that runs all day and into the night, with multiple stages offering various musical genres, with food courts in between, offering a similar wide variety of cuisines.

After pulling him, by the hand, into the Festival proper, Sarah turns, and smiling asks him, "Any thoughts?"

"Not really, other than if we follow the outside ring, one way or the other, we probably won't overlook anything. We have all day to just have fun. So, pick a direction. Where do you feel like going?" He asks.

Sarah likes his suggestion, so she cocks her head, listening and pondering, and the sound of brassy ska trumpets draw her to the left. So, she grabs Chuck's hand, and with a beaming smile she pulls him in that direction.

As they head to that bandstand, Sarah mentions to Chuck, "I love the energy of this music."

Chuck, recognizes the ska sound, thinks for a moment, and making sure he has her attention, answers, "No Doubt." then winks. Sarah's jaw drops for a moment, when she catches his reference, and she laughs, "No Doubt." Then with a smile, she drops his hand and starts skipping and dancing, joining the crowd.

She is so amazing! Chuck thinks as he loses himself for a moment, just watching her. He then moves to join her, bopping up and down to the best of his ability.

oooooooooooooooo

Chuck happily follows behind Sarah, as she moves from stage to stage, dancing along with the crowd, learning styles and steps as she goes. I really do love dancing. It was always something fun to do with Carina, but it was mostly about shimmying and shaking to burn off energy and alcohol. But, this is more than that. I am loving just moving to the music. All of these new styles are fascinating. I have trained and toned my body for fighting, and now I appreciate how it is great for all sorts of movement and dancing. Now that I am open to actually feeling everything, I realize that I do love having a fit and capable body. Maybe I could be a dancer, of some sort? Now, that is something I never would have thought of before. Just like there is some much variety here; I need to recognize, and be open to, possibilities for my life, which I haven't even thought of before. Dancing professionally? She shakes her head. Agent Walker would never have considered that. She throws her head back and laughs, then joins another crowd of dancers, watching and learning their rhythm.

Chuck is having a ball, just being with Sarah, who was having a ball. Man, I don't know when I have had this much fun. She is so loving this. It's like she has boundless energy, and my God is she graceful. The way she seems to absorb the music and turn it into rhythmic movement is magical. I am torn between wanting to rush up and take her in my arms and somehow become part of her, and wanting to just stand here and watch, burning every movement into my brain, so I can always remember. He recalls their first, first date and how she claimed to know nothing about music, and he smiles, This is great. It gives us one more thing to enjoy together. Chuck's smile falters for a moment. I wish she would finally commit to us, forever. I need this in my life. This is my life. Then he shakes off his somberness. I may want this for my future, but I have to make the most of having what we have now. His grin returns to his face as he returns to dancing with, and admiring with all of his heart, his Sarah, for the rest of the night and, he hopes, the rest of his life.

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Carina had grabbed her lunch salad out of the fridge, when the sound of music seeped into her consciousness. She moves out of the kitchen, and as she walks towards Sarah's room, she can hear the sound of Gwen Stefani's voice singing "Underneath it All" and its smooth groove.

Once Chuck's parents left, Sarah had moved from the medical ward, to the downstairs guest room, in the villa. The music fills the air, as Carina moves to the bedroom's open doorway and can see that Sarah is putting away her laundry. What gave her pause, beyond a trained spy like Sarah, leaving her door open, was that Sarah was dancing. As she folded and put away her laundry she was smoothly and rhythmically stepping and dancing her way around the room, humming along to the song.

"Who are you and what have you done with Sarah Walker?" Carina asks with a grin.

"Hey Red," Sarah responds, as she finishes with the item at hand. Then, with a big smile, she quickly crosses the room and gives Carina a big hug.

Carina returns the hug and grinning, says, "I repeat, who are you and what have you done with Sarah Walker?"

Sarah laughs and holding Carina's hands, and eyes, sincerely states, "This is me. For good or bad this is me."

"It's just that it is kind of out of character for a spy to leave the door open, so they can be snuck up on, and for reserved, quiet Sarah Walker allowing herself to be seen so open and free." She quickly adds, "It's good, but it's been kind of confusing, getting used to this new you."

Sarah stares intently at Carina and emphasizes, "The real me."

She then continues, with a smile, "Well first, Ms. Miller, it's not like I didn't sense you were there." giving Carina a "duh" look. Subdued, she adds, "It's that I am just so tired of worrying and caring about what people think. My dad, Graham, a mark, other spies, everyone else in the world. I am so tired of hiding myself, the real me, that I just don't care if someone sees me having a real, honest to God, emotion, and actually expressing that emotion."

Sarah sits and pulls Carina down by her side, embracing her with a side hug.

"It's easier for me, because I am in this protected little world of you, Casey and Chuck, so I know I am safe to allow myself to be this open, to be this exposed."

Somberly, she continues her explanation. "My Dad, and then the CIA, pushed me to be closed. Never expose anything about myself to anyone, while using anything they shared as leverage. So, I quit sharing anything, I closed down, tried to not feel anything, and eventually I essentially collapsed in upon myself. "

Carina nods, tears dampening her eyes. "Yeah, you really scared me when I visited you that last time. It's like you were standing in front of me, but there was nobody there."

With equally damp eyes, Sarah slowly nods and softly, sadly, agrees, "There wasn't much of anything there. And whatever there was left of me, went to Russia and got blown up."

She loses herself for a moment, then with a deep breath, pushes on, "Over these past weeks, I have had a chance to think and reflect. Rethink things I thought I knew, and relook at things with new eyes." Returning her gaze to Carina, she emphasizes, "You know when you are caught up in the moment, your understanding of things is skewed. Just like when we write up mission reports, so much is clearer after reflection with a calmer mind." Carina silently nods in understanding. "Well I have been kind of creating a mission report on my life, helping me understand what led me to here. Well, what led me to being blown up."

She darkly chuckles at how crazy her life was, because it does no good to cry about it. Then, a sad smile comes to her lips. "Seeing that my Chuck wasn't corrupted and destroyed, the way I feared he would be, has really eased my mind. You guys have helped me understand about Charmichael. And Casey, especially, has pointed out that I can't assume responsibility for Chuck's situation."

She looks back up, turning to Carina, and adds with a wry smile. "Lots of people screwed up Chuck's life." Carina nods in agreement, with her own wry smile.

Sarah takes a deep breath and squeezes Carina's hand, which she had re-grasped. "Understanding Chuck is OK, gives me even more mental space to think about myself." Then, with another deep breath, she looks into space as she shares her deepest thoughts. "I am 2 people. I was born Sam, and was reborn in the CIA as Sarah Walker, where they finally finished Dad's job of suppressing Sam into nothingness." The memory draws a deep sigh from Sarah.

"Then I met Chuck. Somehow he re-found, and started bringing out Sam. At the time, I didn't really understand what was happening. I didn't realize it was Sam, I just recognized that I was experiencing a different perspective. I was seeing things through 2 sets of eyes, at once."

Carina nods in understanding, softly mentioning, "Yeah, sometimes it was like there was 2 different Sarah's"

"In some ways there were, and Sam was making me see things in a different way." Catching Carina's eyes she emphasized, "And I started feeling again. In Burbank, Sam was coming out of seclusion. But then, when Chuck rejected me in Prague, Sam withdrew. And then when he left for Rome, Sam left too. She just withdrew into nothingness. If I hadn't been partnered with Casey, I don't know if I would have lasted too long. And you saw, once I was on my own, I didn't last long. There was just nothing left of me." So far, Sarah has held up pretty well, as she recounted all of the experiences and pain of the past few years, but her body finally succumbs to the overwhelming emotions and deep sobs wracked her body for several moments. Carina leans in and envelops her friend, supporting her and soothing her.

After a moment Sarah pushes away, separating with a sad smile and a wetly offered, "Thanks."

Sarah takes a few deep cleansing breaths, composing herself, and sitting up straight, she states, "Now it is Sam's turn. My turn. I am Sam." Sarah shakes her head, tilting it sideways, and grinning at Carina. "See how that sounds kind of crazy?" Carina lightly laughs in agreement.

"But that is how it feels. How I am coming to understand it. I want to be a real girl. A real woman. A real person. Who leads a real life, centered around the things that they really want."

A sob wells up from Sarah's chest, as she shares the harsh truth, "Before this, even I would have thought that was impossible, if I had even allowed myself to think of such a thing. They really had crushed my dreams."

Then Sarah's jaw sets firmly as she straightens her back, fiercely looking Carina in the eyes. "But no more. I am taking my life back, getting my dreams back." She barks out a laugh, "If I can just figure out what they hell they are." Sarah's expression softens, the tension released by the laugh. "And Red, I can't guarantee that it won't look crazy to you."

Carina laughs in response, stands and pulls Sarah up and into a hug. Then grabbing her lunch and heading to the door, she humorously offers. "Well I look forward to watching the Sarah/Sam show, and seeing how it unfolds. Just remember I always have your back." With that she leaves, and Sarah stands there, smiling after her.

Wow, did I really talk that much and share that much? It is so different, actually opening up and talking honestly, about real, true things. That is the opposite of the con, or the spy life. They say it weakens you. But I feel better and wiser, every time I do it. Just now, talking with Carina, trying to explain it to her, crystalized some things in my mind. I recognize more clearly the Sarah/Samira dichotomy, in so much of my experience with Chuck, in Burbank. She sits back down on her bed, and smiles. Samira wanted Chuck so much, back then. Well she has him now! She laughs at herself. I have him now! She falls back against the bed and grabs her pillow, pulling it close and hugging it. Somehow, someway, despite all the bullshit, I have him now.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sarah sits brushing her hair, waiting for Chuck to finish up a late meeting, so they can grab a late supper together. She has discovered that she likes brushing her hair. It is one more thing that she is learning to appreciate experiencing. She had never slowed down enough to appreciate how wonderfully tactile hair brushing could be, and she could now embrace the contemplative mood it puts her in, instead of avoiding any activity that could lead to thinking about things.

As she brushes her hair she thinks back over her earlier conversation with Carina. She is glad Carina is in her life. She is a good friend, but she also pushes Sarah. Their shared competitive nature keeps her on her toes, and Carina always pushed Sarah's boundaries; whether to help or just be entertained was up to debate.

It's nice to have Carina to talk to, and to have girl talk with, but I have to admit that it is weird talking to her about Chuck. I mean, what the hell? She has slept with him, and I still haven't. He's my soulmate so how the hell did she get him first. What am I saying? I wouldn't want her to have him second either. Chuck and his damned "pants stay on" rule, is really cramping my style. I guess I kind of get why he is reluctant, but what the hell.

Although it is kind of hot, to get worked up, yet have to hold back. I guess this is what all of those teenagers at the drive-in feel. I have really learned to appreciate kissing, and kissing and rubbing my hands across his back and down his chest. She shivers, her body responding to her thoughts. Calm down, Samira, or we won't make it to dinner when he gets here. But, I do so look forward to us finally taking that step. Damn it Carina, it's not fair that you had him!

She thinks back to that fight. It was their first one, once they started really talking.

Because, for a while, Chuck and Sarah fought. Not all the time. I didn't end the relationship. And it always included reconciliation and the understanding that love was beyond these petty details. They fought because they were committed to being honest with each other, perhaps too honest, overcorrecting for the world of lies and subterfuge that they lived in.

Chuck told her of all he had done over the past couple of years, not necessarily in detail, because that wasn't as important as understanding its broader implications and his feelings about killing and the other situations he found himself in. He thought his off the clock escapades were less important.

Not Sarah. That is what she was focused on. She thought he was being a dumbass by trying to emulate Bryce, but she understood that everyone had been telling him this is how spies cope with things. And that led to their Carina fight.

oooooo Several weeks earlier ooooooooo

The credits were rolling on "The Man with the Golden Gun" when Sarah snarks" More like 'The Man With the Golden Peen'. She barks out a laugh, which Chuck nervously recognizes is humorless. She continues, wide eyed with intensity, building a rant, "Well, it seems like he's trying to screw everything."

Then she turns her fury on Chuck. "And what was up with you trying to be like some mini-me James Bond. Or, maybe like Bryce Larkin." She spits out. "Maybe I wasn't here, and the Intersect, obviously, is top secret, but word got out about Charles Carmichael, the new party boy burning through the clubs in Rome. You know spies, they gossip about anything they can. What the hell was that about? Didn't you think about how I would feel if and when I heard?"

Chuck grabs a pillow and folds himself over, burying his face and groaning into the pillow, now on his lap. Sitting up, he argues back, "I know. I know. It's just that all of you always talked about, 'Oh you have got to have the, you know, emotionless sex or whatever. And it's just what you do for stress relief and everything.' So, hell, you guys are always talking it up like it's some big party, and Bryce is some kind of sex god." Calming himself, he continues, "I'm not saying it was the smartest thing, but I was hurting, and seeking distraction. I was lost, and being Chuck Bartowski didn't seem to be working for me. So I tried to reinvent myself. Again not saying it was the smartest thing or was done in the best way, but I was floundering. I was hurting and lonely." As he told his story, he slowly pulled the pillow into his chest, enveloping it in his arms.

She groans, "Okay. Yeah, I get it, I get it. It's just that it's not You!" She sobs, "That's not My Chuck."

Chuck, looking down, nods his head as he replies, "I discovered it wasn't me." Looking back up, he points back and forth between the two of them. "This here, us, this, this is me. This is what I need. What I want to be doing." Chuck leans into Sarah and pulls her into a side hug.

Sarah leans into him for a moment, catching her breath, then pulls away, slapping him in the chest. "But Carina. Did you really have to hook up with Carina? You seem to easily forget about me when you jumped in bed with her!"

Chuck sits back, putting more space between them, and quietly, coldly, replies. "Yeah, but it wasn't about you. You weren't here. You were with Shaw."

Sarah sharply exhales, dropping her eyes, the truth of his words hitting her directly in the gut.

Chuck's emotional momentum propels him forward, "It wasn't about you, although, at that time, it wouldn't have bothered me, if it hurt you." Seeing her pain, and realizing his own pettiness, he reined himself in.

In a calmer tone, he explains, "It was more like Carina was my port in the storm. I was lost, confused, and reinventing myself. I was exploring new things and attitudes. And, while it was a wild experience, Carina actually kept me protected, and at least somewhat under control. I had no one else to be my mentor, my guide in this life, and you know with Carina life includes the bedroom." Chuck raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes, as he tried to catch Sarah's, attempting to lighten the moment.

"I can't say that I regret having Carina in my life, but I can't deny that I wasn't exactly thinking with my big brain all the time. So I screwed around a little, so did you and the CAT Squad. So do most young people. I may have gotten pretty wild, but none of it would have shocked anyone back at my Frat house. Well, other than it was me, who was doing it. I wasn't exactly a lady's man back then." He chuckles, his self deprecation ever present.

Sarah couldn't help but laugh to herself, a small smile slightly breaking out. Her hurt being slowly replaced by understanding and compassion. And then like a cold bucket of water to the face, he brings up her reality.

Chuck reminds her, "And it's not like you were in a nunnery, and haven't been with other men."

Sarah looks down, embarrassed, remembering her few, pain-fueled diversions in the clubs. "Yeah", she says dejectedly, her voice slightly breaking. "I know what you mean about feeling hurt and wanting to relieve the pain. I guess neither of us has much to be proud about, huh?"

Chuck shakes his head, also looking down, and softly comments, "The foolishness of youth." Then he turns his head to look at her, and still quietly, but more impassioned, continues, "But none of that bothers me as much as Shaw. Because Shaw involved emotion, not just sex. When I was aching to be with you, to be your support, to share in your real life, you turned to Shaw. You shared with him the real Sarah, or should I say Sam. While you were denying me any morsel of your true self, while I was starving for anything real about you, you denied me any piece of your real self."

Sarah sobs, remembering her emotional turmoil, at the time. "I told you I sucked at relationships. I didn't know what I was doing or what I should do. Everything was telling me that I could never have what I wanted, so I was grasping for anything. Even a barely there spy relationship, because it seemed like that was all I could have."

Chuck reaches out and takes her hand, unable to not provide some comfort to her, when she is hurting.

With a few deep breaths, Sarah recomposes herself, and is able to continue. "I now understand your reasoning, but also in hindsight, I know that running wouldn't have worked out. There's no way you could have left your family behind."

Meeting her eyes, he nods in silent agreement.

Then her emotions rise, and she passionately expresses, "But it was my heart, Chuck! I finally opened myself up, I was finally willing to let somebody into my life. Hell, I was willing to abandon my life, for you! And you left me hanging, exposed and unprotected. It was a body blow. Shaw was my reaction, and I tried to not care if it hurt you. In Prague, you destroyed me." she whispered sobbing. "And I'm just getting over that. I'm still getting over that." Through her tears, she stares deeply in his eyes. "But I realized, losing you in my life was a greater pain than anything." With that declaration, she deflates.

Chuck pulls her into his arms, shedding his own tears, as they faced, and hopefully moved past those intensely painful times. His own anger washed away by her tears combined with his. She was here now, with him, and they were growing closer. "Whatever is mine to forgive, I do, and I want to leave all of that in the past." He kisses the top of her head, as she nods in agreement. "I do, too," she whispers.

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A/N 3: So there is more exploration of Sarah's growth to be her real self. She has 20 years of emotional abuse to overcome, and I am leading her through it, over roughly 3 months. That's not realistic, but it is all I think the story can handle. What do you think? Did I sufficiently convey her experience? Did I leave out anything?

This is the last chapter of WTWT. Now I shall test my capacity for fluffiness. Oh, boy….

A/N 4: Go Check out the Chuck Fanfiction group on Facebook, if you want to see what everyone is up to, today.