Chris: (Recapping last episode.) "Last time on Total Drama Action... Just when the cast thought they were safe, I swung in to surprise - I mean... antagonize them. The cast were forced to show their creative sides while showing off their backsides as they made superhero costumes out of spandex. And some other junk. (Laughs) Nice tights! Of course, they were foiled by the diabolical Pythonicus, super evil alter ego of the villainous Chef. In a fight against evil, the cast proved they could be heroes. And also, losers! In the end, the most diabolical twist of all, was Heather being voted off by everyone else, while she and Harold tried to vote off Duncan. Will Super-Harold plan a heroic revenge? Will Duncan and Courtney ever hook up? Maybe you'll find out right now. Maybe you won't. On another totally dramatic episode of... Total... Drama... Action!"
(Theme song plays.)
(The episode begins in the craft services tent, where Harold, Beth, Lindsay and Justin are busy mashing burritos.)
Duncan: "Ten more seconds! Biggest burrito wins! Think I'd make a good reality show host?"
Courtney: "'Scuse me? I'm strategizing."
Duncan: (Cringing.) "Ooh."
Courtney: "If you'd strategize, maybe you could manage something more articulate."
Duncan: "Maybe you could blah blah blah-"
Harold: "Time's up, co-competitors!"
Duncan: "Hey Linds, what do you got?"
Lindsay: (She brings up two burritos tied together) "Look! Beth and I are BFFS!"
Lindsay and Beth: "Burrito friends forever!"
Duncan: "Did you belt your burrito?"
Beth: "It's a custom friendship bracelet I made. To join our two burritos for always and ever."
Duncan: "Weird, disturbing, but big... ish. It qualifies. Geekwad, you manage to make yours any bigger?"
Harold: "I give you... (He brings up a burrito in the shape of Leshawna) the Luscious Leshawna."
Lindsay and Beth: "Aww, that's so sweet!"
Justin: "Sweet? (Whips out a burrito in the shape of his flexed arm) Check out the guns on these beans. (Raises his eyebrows at Lindsay and Beth, but they don't react) Nothing. You feel nothing?"
Beth: "Not a tingle."
Lindsay: "Not even an ingle."
Justin: "Man, this scratched schnoz has destroyed my looks and my life. Why?"
Duncan: "Harold, your pathetic portrayal of puppy love makes me wanna hurl, but you did make the biggest burrito, so you win."
Justin: "This isn't right, I demand a second neutral opinion."
Courtney: "Please. I'm not coming anywhere near the infected."
Justin: "Who's infected? Is there a rash? I can't afford a rash!"
Courtney: "You all have reality-show-itis. A disease which causes people to turn everyday tasks into crazy challenges. Thus losing focus on the real competition, which I refuse to do."
CONFESSIONAL:
Justin: "When my good looks went, so did my winning edge. But Courtney's still managing to kick ass, and she's not nearly as good looking as I am! Okay, as I was."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
Justin: "You know, you're the only one taking the game seriously. I just wish I knew how you did it all. It's so inspirational."
Courtney: "Just being me! I'm glad to help."
Justin: "You can help more if you tell me your secrets. Like, how do you even get through life with all your deformities?
Courtney: My what?! I don't have any deformities!"
Justin: "So your answer is denial? Okay."
(Chef runs in a troubadour outfit and blows a horn)
Chef: "Hear ye and rise for Sir Chris!"
Harold: "Sir? Someone needs an ego check." (Chris is brought in wearing a knight's helmet and holding a glass boot)
Beth: "Ooh! That's a glass slipper! Which means today's challenge is a fairy tale movie! [gasps] My favorite!"
Chris: "Beth, dude. If you ever steal my intro again, I'll have to personally boot you off the show."
Lindsay: "You can't boot Beth. Oh wait, he can. 'Cause it's a glass boot."
Chris: "And the foot that fits determines the princess for today's... fairy tale movie challenge. The rest of you compete for the honor of rescuing the fair princess."
Beth: "I wanna be the princess!"
Chris: "I said the fair princess. And what we think is fair is that the candidates be the ladies who won last time. Courtney and Lindsay."
CONFESSIONAL:
Beth: "They're totally typecasting me as the ugly stepsister. But now that my braces are off, I'm absolutely princess material!"
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
Lindsay: (she's up first) "Are you sure that's the right one? It's tiny, like a kid's boot."
Beth: "Ooh! Ooh! I wear kid's size four!"
Chris: "What can I say? Princesses are supposed to have dainty feet."
Lindsay: [sighs] "Can I do this privately?"
Justin: "It's just a foot. I think we've all seen those before."
Courtney: "Get on with it, Lindsay!" (Lindsay pulls off her foot, and everyone is shocked)
Duncan: "Haha, lookit boys! We found Bigfoot!" (Laughing.)
Justin: "What is that?"
Harold: "Wow..."
Beth: [nervously] "I hear glass shoes have a lot of stretch."
Lindsay: "Really?"
Beth: "Um, no."
Chris: (He tries to get the shoe on) "I feel like I'm trying to ram a T-Rex into a smart car and make him buckle up. Welp, if getting it on your big toe counted, you'd have won." (Lindsay sighs.)
Courtney: "I am so going to take this."
Chris: "I don't know. Doesn't look like it's gonna fit." (Courtney takes the slipper and tries to make it fit)
Harold: "I hope that's safety glass."
Courtney: "Come on, come on, come on!"
Chris: "Listen, Courtney. We can go to a different selection method if-"
Courtney: "No! I'm gonna-" (Grunts as the slipper makes it fit.) Yes!" (the glass boot cracks)
Chris: "Let's get this over with before she loses a foot, and I lose another lawsuit. Chef?"
Chef: (he walks in wearing a fairy outfit) "I dub thee Princess Courtney." (Taps her with his wand, releasing pixie dust everywhere)
Courtney: Eat my pixie dust, commoners!" (the slipper flies off her foot and hits Justin in the face)
CONFESSIONAL:
Justin: I have become the beast instead of the beauty. A prince turned into a frog! Did Courtney do that on purpose? No, no. She's not evil, she's just feisty. I like feisty, I like it a lot."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
Chris: "It's story time with Uncle Chris."
(We now cut to Chris in a purple chair, with a fireset, and a book in his hands as the contestants arrive.)
Chris: (Reading a book.) "Once upon a time, five brave knights went on a quest to rescue a princess from her ivory tower. But it wasn't gonna be easy. First, the knights had to get past... (Gestures to Chef wearing a green beard and tattered clothes) my very good friend, the terrible toothless troll and his Badbreaks Bridge. (The castmates gulp in fear.) To get past the terrible toothless troll, the knights had to wear disguises. (He tosses a frog helmet and a huge wig) There was the frog prince and the ugly stepsister. (He tosses a sleeping mask and a painted traffic cone) Sleeping beauty and one of her seven dwarves. (He tosses a red hood) And Little Red Riding Hood."
Duncan: "Eh, can we at least make it Red Riding Hoodlum?"
Chris: "No dice, dude. That's what it says in the script. (An intern brings cookies and milk.) Good work, kid. And so the ugly stepsister approached the terrible troll."
Beth: (The wig is covering her eyes) "But I can't see!"
Chris: "Oh yeah, for this challenge, each knight is blind. [the castmates complain] Nowhere in this story does it say, 'the cowardly knights complain'. So get it together, Steppy, and get crossing."
Beth: (She makes it to the bridge and begins crossing) "Could this be any suckier? (Chef throws apples at her) Ow! Ow, apparently it could be! Ow! Ow! Ooh!"
Chris: "Oh, also, those are wicked witch's apples, so they're poisonous and rotten. You might wanna watch-"
Beth: (She slips on some of the apples.) "Whoooooa! (She hits some rocks and falls to the ground. As the contestants cringe in shock.)
Chris: "See, Beth is just not fairy tale heroine material."
(Beth is seen gagging on an apple.)
CONFESSIONAL:
Beth: (She's bandaged up) "Hey, how do you know if you have a concussion? Is seeing double a bad sign?"
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
Chris: "Next, the eighth dwarf. He grabbed a fistful of courage and headed across the bridge." (Harold puts on his traffic cone and runs out)
Harold: "This is for you, Leshawna!" (He runs past Chef, bouncing on the ropes)
CONFESSIONAL:
Harold: "Yours truly has developed some mad blind running skills."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
(Lindsay is next and Chef shoots golden goose eggs at her.)
Lindsay: "What was that?" (She takes a step and the rest of the bridge collapses as Chef falls.)
Chef: "Ah! They don't pay me enough for this *bleep*!" (He deploys a parachute)
Duncan: "Hey, Sleeping Bigfoot, boats go under bridges, not over them!" (He and Justin laugh as the board Lindsay is standing on breaks and she falls)
Lindsay: "My feet are not that biiiiiig!" (She lands on the ground)
Chris: (Chuckles.) "Awesome! You're up, Froggy. Then it's Captain Hood."
Justin: "At least my face will be protected from further indignity." (He puts on the helmet but bumps into the pole.)
Duncan: (Chuckles.) "Ow. Tough start. Go a little more to the right!"
Justin: (he bumps into the other pole) "Ow."
Duncan: "Sorry, man! [laughs] Hey, man, let me give you a hand." (he pushes Justin onto the bridge, as he runs, only for Chef to hit him in the helmet with the axe, as Duncan laughs.)
CONFESSIONAL:
Justin: "There I was, down, dirty, and deafened. And I thought "W.W.C.D.": What would Courtney do? And then it came to me! She'd use her head."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
Justin: "Yaaah!" (he headbutts Chef and runs to the other side)
Chef: "Oof!"
Chris: "Justin's still got it! All right then. The final knight attempting to enter fairytale land is... Little Red Riding Hoodlum. We're over this way!"
Duncan: (He's wearing a blindfold, with one eye secretly peeking out) "Seeing? Good. (Chef puts on a blonde wig.) Seeing Chef as a transgender troll? Priceless."
Chris: "Rapunzel dude! Let down your hair!" (Chef uses the long hair as a whip, but Duncan dodges.)
Justin: "Hey, he can see!"
Chris: "How? With his x-ray vision? That'd be cool."
Duncan: (He grabs the whip and swings to the other side.) "Woohoo, whoo!"
(We now cut to the fairytale set, with Chris reading the book, and the 3 contestants looking. Lindsay is also bandaged up as well.)
Chris: "And so the terrible toothless troll knocked off two losers, but three semi-brave knights made it to the other side and continued on their noble quest, whereupon I, in my wisdom, inspired them with a vision of Princess Courtney. (Courtney is lowered down in a beautiful puprle princess dress as music plays.)
Courtney: (Singing.) When I was a little girl, I'd dream of my first kiss
It would come from my perfect prince
And in my dream, it went like this..
Justin: (He and Duncan are entranced) "She's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen..."
Duncan: "Yeah..."
Justin: "I must've been so busy seeing her as a master strategist that I didn't see her outer beauty. Wow. We'll be the best looking couple in the kingdom!"
Duncan: "Pardon?"
Justin: "I saw you cheat, Duncan. You don't deserve to be her prince."
Duncan: "Who died and made you the decider about me and Courtney?"
Chris: "Guys, guys. No need to fight. At least not until after this break. Will Duncan inflict more deformities on Justin or will Justin's ripped physique bring two tons of hurt down on Duncan's head? Find out when we come back."
(Commercial break.)
(We now cut back to Everyone watching Courtney sing.)
Courtney: (Singing.) My prince will be tall and handsome (Justin puffs his chest out)
My prince will be tough as nails
Harold: (Duncan cracks Harold's back over his knee) "Oof!"
Courtney: (Still singing.) My prince will have lots of money
My prince will tame wild whales
(Duncan cracks a small whale's back over his knee)
Lindsay: "Courtney is so lucky. She gets to wear that sparkly head thingy."
Beth: "If you smell burnt toast, and everything looks like it's underwater, does that mean you have a concussion?" (Courtney scoops a frog in her hands.)
Courtney: (Singing.)
When we kiss, my prince will be you!
(She kisses the frog, then throws it away in disgust in Justin's face.)
Courtney: "Ugh!"
Justin: (Panicking.) "Warts! Ahh! Get it off!"
Chris: "Wasn't that song brilliant? It was so brilliant, I know everyone wishes they could hear it over and over and over again, and now they can. (Snaps his fingers and he's given a CD.) Relive the magic of Courtney for only $12.99. Call 555-SELL-OUT to get your authentic Princess Courtney CD before everyone else downloads it illegally!"
Harold: "I'll take one! (he gets a CD) I'm gonna listen to this beautiful love song and thing of Leshawna."
CONFESSIONAL:
Harold: My prince will buy me lots of hot dogs; My prince will love ponies, too (He is handed a letter) "It's from Leshawna! "Yo, Harold. If you play that skinny rich girl's song and think about me, I'll have to kill you."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
Justin: "After risking my life for you, I realize how wrong I was with that deformity crack. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. (Hold's Courtney's hand.) And the smartest. What are the odds?"
Courtney: "Thank you, sir Justin."
Duncan: "Pfft. More like Sir Suckup."
Courtney: "You know, you could learn something from Justin here. It's nice to get a compliment once in a while."
Duncan: "Well, I'm waiting. Butter me up, princess."
(Just then, we see Chef riding in on the horse)
Beth: "Look! It's the one horseman of the apocalypse! (Gasps.) Did you see that?! She winked her horse eyes at me!"
Lindsay: "I think you do have a concussion." (Courtney gets on the horse)
Duncan: "Are we supposed to catch him?"
Chris: "No, it's a classic princess abduction. As the villain makes a whirlwind getaway on a swift steed."
Chef: (He kicks the horse twice.) "Guess ol' Betsy here didn't read the script."
Chris: "Kick harder." (Chef kicks harder and the horse bucks Justin in the face)
Justin: "Ooh! (hoarsely) That did it." (The horse rides off)
Chris: "So, that's how the three knight dudes lost the princess. But fate, A.K.A. me, wasn't finished with them. They followed the troll all the way to a fight to the death! Because that's how I like my princesses saved."
Courtney: "Sir Justin! I want you to know that I hope you rescue me!
Duncan: "Come on, I was just kidding about the compliment! You're cute, okay? I-I like your face, it's nice!"
Justin: "I won't disappoint you, princess!"
Courtney: "As good luck, I give you my favor to carry into battle!" (She throws the glass shoe at Justin's face again)
Justin: "Ah!"
CONFESSIONAL:
Justin: "Falling for Courtney has been hard on the face. I think we'll have a no-shoes policy once we're dating."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
(We now cut to the contestants along with Chris arriving at the water tower set.)
Chris: (Reading the book.) "Sir Justin, Sir Duncan, and Sir Harold reached the ivory tower in which the troll had stuck the type A princess. But there was only one way to rescue her. One of the brave knights had to slay the dragon."
Beth: "Ooh. I love a good dragon tale."
Lindsay: "I can't wait to see a real dragon! So scary!"
Chris: "We don't have a real dragon. We're reusing the alien monster guy. (The monster stomps in as Chef is once again controlling it via motion capture.) Let the dragon-slaying begin!" (He tosses the swords to Justin, Duncan and Harold)
Courtney: "Godspeed, brave knights! Sir Harold. (She blows a kiss to Harold, which Duncan catches.)
Duncan: "Ha. Good luck, loser."
Courtney: "Sir Justin, (Unenthusiastically.) Duncan." (Justin takes his kiss, then snatches Duncan's.)
Duncan: "Stealing another dude's air kiss? Pathetic."
Harold: "You're telling me."
Justin: "Yeah? You'll like it even better when I get the real thing. I'll save you, Courtney!" (Runs in screaming)
Duncan: "You princess-stealing slime ball!" (He charges toward Justin and they start sword-fighting. They avoid the monster's foot and Justin lands near Harold)
Justin: "You want Duncan to win?"
Harold: "You're kidding, right?"
Justin: "Then help me take him down and I'll let you win. I don't care, I just can't let him have Courtney."
Duncan: (He starts fighting the monster.) "Dork. Nerdling. Harold-type loser!"
Justin: "Well?"
Harold: "Get them both chasing you!"
CONFESSIONAL:
Harold: "For a mathlete, it was elementary. Ye olde alien dragon was six meters from Justin and three meters from Duncan. They were running at approximately twelve kilometers an hour, or 3.3 meters, which made it a matter of timing, and I've got mad crazy timing skills."
END OF CONFSSIONAL:
(We then see The monster and Duncan chasing Justin.)
Duncan: "My granny's got more guts than you! Man up and fight!"
Harold: "Justin! Okay, you're just gonna stop dead in three. Two. One!" (Justin stops in his tracks, and so does Duncan.)
(Duncan ducks, and the monster trips on him.)
Harold: "Gnarly job, sir J. (He climbs onto the monster) Now if we can just find this animatronic beast's center of operation, I'll claim my victory!" (Justin pushes him off.)
Justin: "Sorry, Harold. If Leshawna were the prize, I'm sure you'd do the same thing." (He jabs the red button, powering the monster down)
Justin: "Courtney! Your prince is coming!"
Harold: "Some prince."
Chris: "Wanna rescue Princess Courtney too? (He pulls out a doll) Now you can for only $79.95. Order your very own Princess Courtney limited edition glass boot doll. Playing with the Princess Courtney doll is more fun and less dangerous than playing with the real Courtney. Guaranteed."
Justin: (He climbs all the way to the top of the castle.) "Princess!" (The two pucker up for a kiss, but..)
Chris: (Interrupts them.) "Wait, wait, there's no kissing!"
Justin: "What?"
Duncan: (He's under the monster's tail) "Yes!"
Chris: "It says here that Prince Justin and Princess Courtney must sword fight to determine the true winner."
Courtney: "Whichever one of us wins the sword fight gets immunity?"
Chris: "You're almost too smart to be a princess."
Beth: "But every fairy tale I've ever read ends with a kiss!"
Chris: "Well, Beth, this is a modern tale. Gals have to fight for themselves."
Courtney: "If that's how it has to be."
Justin: "No. I am a noble gentleman. A brave knight, a handsome prince. I would never hurt a lady."
Harold: "Although a guy who's working with you is apparently fair game!"
Justin: "I said I was sorry, Harold. I refuse to raise a sword to Courtney. (Gives her his sword) I'd give up any chance at immunity to spare her. And now..." (Puckers up for a kiss, but Courtney raises the sword to him.)
Courtney: "Sorry, Justin. I just can't let immunity go. You understand." (She pushes him off)
Justin: "I forgive you, princess- (Gets hit by a part of the tower.) Ahh! Ess- (Gets hit again.) Ooh! Ess! (Gets hit once more, and then lands on the ground.) Oh! Oh. Hah... I'm okay!"
Chris: "Courtney wins immunity! Again!"
Courtney: "Yes!"
(We now to the Gilded Chris ceremony, Justin's body is now wrapped in a cast, with bandages on his head, a cone on his neck, both of his arms, and his leg.)
Chris: "So, with immunity, Courtney is the first to win a Golden Chris."
Courtney: (She catches the award, but feels a sharp pain in her butt) "OW!"
Beth: (She had stuck the Courtney doll with needles.) "I think she felt that. Cool!"
Lindsay: "Get her elbow."
Chris: "Before we continue the awards though, I have some news. Courtney's lawyers called and demanded eighty percent of all the profits from the Princess Courtney merchandise. So not gonna happen. So, we're renaming them after the only other brunette left in the competition: Beth. (Beth squeals in excitement and runs to the stage.) Your very own Princess Beth doll! And a contract stating that you get zero percent of the Princess Beth profits, along with a Gilded Chris award. You live another week."
Beth: (Squeals.) "Fairy tales do come true! (she realizes something) Oh my gosh! Take the pins out!"
Chris: "Also still in the competish, Lindsay! (Throws the gilded Chris' to Lindsay & Harold.) Ha, Harold! Who will live happily ever after? And who will die penniless? And the last Gilded Chris goes to... (Camera moves to Justin & Duncan, until Chris says the name.) Justin! Duncan, you're out."
Courtney: "What?! (Scoffs.) This is an *bleep*ing outrage! Justin should be going home!"
Chris: Yeah, you're right. I was just kidding. Justin's actually the one who's been eliminated. (Throws Duncan the award.)
Duncan: "An outrage, huh?" (Courtney looks at him.)
CONFESSIONAL:
Courtney: "All I meant was that Justin deserved to go home. I worked really hard at getting him to fall for me. It's called 'strategy'. My feelings had nothing to do with Duncan getting voted off. As if I care about that. I don't."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
Justin: "Courtney? (Courtney is busy with her PDA and she waves) Beth? Lindsay?"
Lindsay: (Playing with the Beth dolls with Beth.) "Princess Beth is so cute."
Justin: "Is no one even gonna miss me?"
Duncan: "Ciao."
Harold: "See you in the funny papers! Farewell! Auf wiedersehen! Don't let the door hit you in the-"
Justin: "Okay, stop already! I'm going! But you'll regret it. (Walks to the Lame-o-sine, then looks at them one last time.) With me gone, this competition just got eighty percent less handsome. [he hits his head] All right, seventy-nine!"
(We now cut to Chris & Chef in the production tent.)
Chris: "Marketing says our target audience is too old for dolls. They're just not selling!"
Chef: (He's playing with a Beth doll army) "Princesses, attack!" (Lights a mini cannon and blows up two dolls)
Chris: "Hey, target audience. Make sure you don't miss the next kiss-filled episode of Total. Drama. Action! (He makes the Beth dolls kiss.) Now you see, Chef? That's how you play with dolls."
(End credits.)
Stay tuned for episode 20!
Votes:
Justin - Beth, Courtney, Duncan, Harold, Lindsay.
Duncan - Justin
