Dwalin: So…who thinks he's dead?
Balin: DWALIN!
Dwalin: What, do you really think the little guy's going to be able to rob a freaking dragon?
Dori: This is the part of the plan we had the least details for.
Bomfur: I reckon he's dead. Not much a little man can do against a dragon that size.
Nori: I don't know, he has that invisibility ring. That could give him an edge.
Ori: Yeah, let's be optimistic here.
Fili: Shut up Ori. Nobody asked you.
Kili: Hey Thorin, what do you think? Is Bilbo still alive?
Thorin: He better be. He's kind of important to this whole plan.
Bofur: And if he is dead?
Thorin: Then he's getting a severe pay cut.
Oin: And the rest of us get a pay rise.
Gloin: Damn it Oin, we can't think like that.
Oin: I can and I will.
Bilbo: *taking off the ring* Think like what?
Fili: BILBO! You're alive!
Bilbo: No thanks to any of you.
Kili: Did you see the dragon? What's it like down there?
Thorin: Did you see the Arkenstone?
Bilbo: Well…
*in the cave*
Bilbo: It's so bloody dark in here. How am I supposed to…wait…I see a light *heads towards it* I know I shouldn't head towards a light at the end of a tunnel, but at this point I'm either dead or about to be anyway, so… *enters the hall* …holy crap *stares at the mountains of gold, with Smaug on top of it*
Smaug: *still snoring* zzz…stupid bird…zzz…tapping away stupid morse code…zzz…someone close that window…zzz…you're letting in a draught…zzz…
Bilbo: Okay, Mr. Smaug sir *grabs a piece of treasure and runs away*
Smaug: …zzz…damn right…zzz…wait a second… *opens his eyes*
*outside*
Thorin: So you didn't get the Arkenstone?
Bilbo: Have you seen how much stuff is in that cavern? I'm lucky I got out with this *holds up the golden cup he stole*
Balin: You're right. This may not be the victory we want, but a start.
Gloin: Three cheers for Bilbo. Hip-hip…
Ori: *as the other dwarves cheered* Uh, guys?
Gloin: Hip-hip…
Ori: *as the other dwarves cheered* Guys?
Gloin: Hip-hip…
Ori: *as the other dwarves cheered* Don't dragons know exactly how much treasure they have at any given moment?
Nori: I'm sure that's a myth *sudden roaring sound*
Bilbo: Ori, why didn't you mention this earlier?
Ori: Would you have listened?
Thorin: No, but we could have blamed you earlier.
Balin: Everyone, into the cave. I think the dragon's pissed.
Bomfur: What makes you think that?
Smaug: *somewhere in the distance* WHO THE FUCK ROBBED ME?! I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!
Bomfur: …excellent point *runs into the cave with everyone else*
*later*
Fili: So…what's the plan now?
Bofur: Well, we need to do something about the dragon, for starters.
Kili: Like what?
Dori: I know! We could send Bilbo to talk to him.
Bilbo: Why me?
Dori: Because you robbed him. He'll know you, so you've got the most of a relationship with him out of any of us.
Bilbo: You know he's going to fry me as soon as he sees me, right?
Oin: That's what the ring of invisibility is for.
Thorin: Then it's settled. Bilbo will attempt to calm Smaug down.
Bilbo: …fuck you guys.
*heading back to the cavern*
Bilbo: *putting the ring on* What am I so scared of? I mean, he's probably not even here right now. He's probably out searching for me, and…
Smaug: Hello, thief.
Bilbo: Oh…uh…hi?
Smaug: Are you nervous? Concerned? Scared?
Bilbo: Well, I mean, I did rob you, and you got rather upset about that.
Smaug: That's no reason to be afraid of me.
Bilbo: It's not?
Smaug: Of course not. The consequences of stealing from me should be so obvious by now that expecting anything other than a painful death is plain idiocy.
Bilbo: That's not negotiable, is it?
Smaug: HOHO, you are a funny one. Your dwarf friends are certainly going to be upset when I find you and burn you to a pile of ashes.
Bilbo: How'd you know I was travelling with dwarves?
Smaug: You told me so.
Bilbo: When? This is literally our first conversation.
Smaug: Just now, with your answer to my comment about your dwarf friends.
Bilbo: …oh, you're good.
Smaug: Don't beat yourself up, I would have guessed dwarves anyway, since they're the only ones desperate enough to try a frontal assault on someone as powerful as me.
Bilbo: Oh, certainly, you look powerful…
Smaug: LOOK?! Only LOOK?! *sits back on his hind legs* Does this only LOOK powerful to you?
Bilbo: *noticing a missing scale* Um…I mean, I guess you seem pretty powerful…
Smaug: SEEM?! Again, you vastly underestimate my power.
Bilbo: Maybe I am. Or maybe, I know something you don't know…
Smaug: I highly doubt that, thief. But please, enlighten me with this knowledge that you think I don't know.
Bilbo: Do you promise not to kill me if I tell you?
Smaug: What a ridiculous question. Of course I'm still going to kill you. But if you tell me willingly, I'll make your death quick and painless, instead of drawing it out over decades like I do with other thieves.
Bilbo: Hmm…well, in that case, I suppose there's no harm in telling you then. *lying* I actually stole two pieces of treasure.
Smaug: …what?
Bilbo: *continuing to lie* Yeah, I took two pieces of treasure from you. The dwarves have them right now. What, didn't you notice?
Smaug: *nervous laughing* No…no, I can't have lost two pieces. That's crazy, you're crazy, I can't be down two pieces…
Bilbo: Well, you are.
Smaug: *enraged* AND I SAY I'M NOT! *immediately blasts fire in a circle around the room* HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, ASSHOLE?!
Bilbo: *hiding behind a pillar* Eh, it's a little warm.
Smaug: ONLY A LITTLE?! *prepares to fire blast the room again, only to have another idea* Hmm…so I'm guessing you and your friends had some help from the little town on the like, right?
Bilbo: …perhaps?
Smaug: Well, why don't I pay them a little visit, huh?
Bilbo: …oh…oh no, there's no need to do that…
Smaug: But that's where you're wrong. There's every reason to do that.
Bilbo: You're really going to punish them for what I did?
Smaug: Wrong again. You made me do this *takes off, flying straight towards Lake-Town, as the dwarves arrive*
Thorin: What just happened?
Bilbo: …you guys weren't attached to Lake-Town, were you?
Thorin: …what the fuck did you do?
Author's note: And with that, this chapter puts me over the one-million-word mark on AO3. In celebration of this, I'll be doing an Ask Me Anything over on Reddit's r/AMA (if you're reading this, it's probably already up). I use the username I_Am_The_Bookwyrm on there, so you'll know it's me. If you don't have/don't want a Reddit account, just ask me questions. I'll be happy to answer most things. Thank you all so much for reading, and I'll see you soon.
