[TSoS: DECK]
[Week Six: "Fortune" & "Strength"]
the mutterings of all your fears
Yennefer had grown up being unloved and unwanted, and as much as she might want to deny it, that had left its mark on her.
She had been so willing to open her heart to Istredd, who acted like he loved her when no one else did. She had never been wanted before, and the feeling had been thrilling. But they were both put under pressure by their respective mentors to gain information from each other, and that had ended their blooming relationship. When Istredd asked her to go away with him instead of going through with the ceremony, she turned him down. Whatever they might have had just didn't seem worth losing her chance to have both beauty and power, two things that she had always lacked.
After, it felt like everyone wanted her. It had felt so good taking the Aedirn post that had nearly been denied to her. It was always supposed to be hers, and she was finally going to have everything she ever wanted.
She really had been a fool.
Yennefer learned the hard way, many times over the years, that nobody really wanted her. They wanted what she could give them, whether it be her power or her body. She finally realized just what it was that she had given up for this life, and it didn't feel worth it. What use was beauty and power when nobody truly gave a shit about her? She just wanted someone to truly love and need her, but that didn't look likely to happen.
And then a Witcher and his annoying bard came into her life.
There was a time when Yennefer had started to let herself believe that, just maybe, she could have something real with Geralt. He was as shit with feelings as she was, so it was probably always going to end badly, but something about the way he looked at her made her think that there was a chance. They kept running into each other over the next few years, and, as much as she didn't want to, she started looking forward to those meetings. When she was with him, she felt just a little less alone, a little less broken. He had seen her vulnerable and hurting right from the start, and it hadn't scared him away. It terrified her to find out that there was a chance that none of this was real. Whatever fucking wish he had made with that djinn had tied her life to his, whether she wanted it or not.
It was just another choice that turned out to have never really been hers.
Everything went to shit after that, of course, because why wouldn't it?
Without her chaos, Yenner was nothing. It had always been a part of her, even before she knew it was there. Its absence hurt, and she felt as if the most vital part of her was missing. She had been a prisoner of Nilfgaard, and then she essentially ended up as a prisoner at Aretuza, considering how little everyone there seemed to trust her. Stregobor assaulted her mind and she was completely powerless to stop him. It made her feel like she was the broken girl in the pigpen once more. Had she ever really stopped being that girl?
By the time she ended up captured in Oxenfurt, Yennefer was just so fucking done. She was sick of repeatedly being helpless, and she wanted back what belonged to her. She had held out for months, but she couldn't any longer. They were going to sell her to Aretuza, and despite the fact that Tissaia cared for her, Yennefer had no doubts that she wouldn't make it out alive this time. She had only one out, and she took it.
That one poor choice made in utter desperation had led her to where she was now. She was alive, and she had back her chaos, and none of that even mattered in the end. Yennefer might not have actually gone through with it, but she had come close enough to taking Ciri to Voleth Meir. She had helped to save the girl, in the end, but that wasn't enough. If things had been different, maybe she would have just confided to Geralt in the beginning what was happening. But she hadn't known where she stood with him, and she definitely did not know now.
Ironically, even Geralt now only wanted her for how useful she could be to him.
Yennefer supposed she couldn't even be upset about it. Ciri needed to be trained, and she was the only one who stood a chance of helping the girl control her chaos. She would probably be a shit teacher, but she would do her best to help the girl. In the meantime, she would try to stay out of Geralt's way until he made up his mind about how he felt about her (and until she figured out if her feelings for him were real or not).
But there was something she needed to take care of first.
"Yennefer!" Jaskier sounded surprised as he opened the door to his room. "What can I do for you?"
"There's nothing I need from you, bard," she said as she brushed past him and entered the room.
It seemed about the same as the other rooms in Kaer Morhen: desolate and bleak. Someone had at least had the foresight to bring some blankets for the bard, but she still noted that it was ridiculously cold in here.
"Uh, okay, so then why are you here? We're past the point of you wanting to murder me, right?" Jaskier asked. He didn't truly seem afraid, even though he knew that she had her chaos back. As amusing as his fear had been years ago, Yennefer felt oddly glad that it was gone now.
"For the moment, yes," she answered in a teasing tone.
She stepped closer to him and grabbed his hands. She remembered the way that he had done the same after she came back through the portal with Geralt and Ciri. He had seemed genuinely worried about her, and she still couldn't understand why. She pushed those thoughts away for now, though, and focused on the task at hand.
As she had suspected, the burns on his fingers had not yet been treated. Perhaps there just hadn't been time, but she wasn't sure if Geralt had even been aware of the torture that Jaskier had gone through on his behalf. Yennefer hadn't been able to do anything about it at the time, but now she could. She was running low on energy at this point, after having healed all of the surviving Witchers, but she had enough left to do this.
Jaskier had frozen when she grabbed his hands, but seemingly instinctively tried to pull them away when she turned them over.
"Oh, would you stop flinching? I'm not going to hurt you!" Yennefer said, unable to keep the exasperation out of her voice. She almost felt bad for snapping at him, but she was exhausted, and he was being difficult as always.
"Then what are you doing?" Jaskier demanded.
"I'm trying to be nice!" Yennefer responded. Jaskier blinked and stared at her, seeming stunned by that statement.
"Oh. Really?" he said after a few moments passed. He frowned and gave her a thoughtful look. "That seems suspicious. Are you sure this isn't a trap somehow?"
Yennefer rolled her eyes at him. She found herself momentarily wishing that she had something sharp and pointy to poke him with, but she reminded herself that she was here to help the bard, not harm him. Even if he was being annoying.
"If I wanted to do something bad to you, I wouldn't need to bother with lulling you into a false sense of security," she pointed out as patiently as she could.
"That is an excellent, if somewhat alarming, point," Jaskier agreed.
"Now will you hold still?" she asked.
"Fine," Jaskier agreed with a dramatic sigh. "But please be gentle with me. I am very breakable."
Yennefer was not sure if she agreed with that. Jaskier was more resilient than she would have ever guessed. She let it slide, though, and focused on collecting her chaos. She poured it into his hands, and watched as the ugly blistered red skin started to heal. She heard him let out a surprised gasp.
"There," Yennefer said triumphantly. "How does that feel?"
Jaskier looked at his fingers, which were now just slightly pink. He hesitantly brushed them against each other. "They're a little sensitive, but they hardly hurt anymore!"
He looked at her with pure amazement, and she felt uncomfortable receiving such a look of adoration for something so small. She tried to ease the tension she was feeling. "You'll be back to playing songs and irritating everyone in no time."
His face fell at her words. "Suppose it's your lucky day, witch. My lute was broken, remember?"
Yennefer knew how much the lute meant to him, though she had never wanted to know that information. It was an elven lute given to him by Filavandrel, on his first adventure with Geralt. The lost look on his face almost reminded her of how she had felt without her chaos. Jaskier was missing something that he considered to be integral to himself.
"I'm sorry," she told him, though the words were difficult to say.
He smiled at her, a hollow, forced thing. "No need to be sorry! At least I'm alive, right?"
There was that. Somehow, after everything, they had both survived. "Thanks to me."
His smile became more real. "And now I owe you once more," he agreed, wiggling his fingers.
Yennefer frowned. "That was just basic decency."
"You didn't have to help me. They would've healed on their own, eventually. Probably. Besides, don't think I don't see how tired you are. You just got your magic back and you've been using it nonstop," Jaskier pointed out. "In fact, I think I must insist that you sit down before you fall over."
She scowled at him without any heat behind it. "I'm fine."
"Just humor me, then?" he beseeched.
Jaskier sat down on his bed and patted the spot next to him. She thought about continuing to be stubborn, but damn it, he was right. Besides, he had already seen her at her lowest. What was left to be ashamed about? She still made a show of being reluctant as she sat down beside him. His pretty blue eyes brightened.
"See, doesn't it feel nice to rest?" Jaskier asked with a grin, bumping his arm against hers.
"It would be nicer without your annoying yapping," Yennefer responded, though her voice was softer than she had intended it to be.
"Oh, how you wound me," Jaskier declared. "You seemed pretty happy hearing my voice before."
"Well, I suppose there are worse people to be around," Yennefer responded. "You do have your moments of being not completely terrible."
"I will cherish that compliment forever," Jaskier promised, sounding solemn for just a moment. "You're not too bad yourself."
"You might be the only person in the world who thinks that," Yennefer admitted.
"Hey, Geralt and the others will come around," Jaskier insisted. "You fucked up, but you've already done a lot to fix it. Don't beat yourself up about it too much, okay?"
"Whatever you say, bard," Yennefer murmured, too tired to truly argue.
"Well, I say that it's time for beautiful bards and scary witches to get some sleep," Jaskier declared. Then, hesitantly, "You can stay, if you want. I can't promise not to kick you in my sleep, but. Well. Being alone right now just doesn't sound very nice, you know?"
She should say no. She should leave and go find an empty room (seeing as how nobody had bothered to assign one to her). It felt dangerous, letting herself get too close to anyone right now. But Yennefer did not have the energy to fight this, not when Jaskier's presence made her feel safe.
"Fine, if you insist," Yennefer agreed tiredly.
"Oh. Great! I didn't really think you'd agree. Uh, what side do you like to sleep on?" Jaskier asked.
"Just lay down, Jaskier," Yennefer groaned, giving him a gentle shove towards the side of the bed touching the wall. (He didn't need to know that she wanted to be between him and anything that could harm him.)
"Okay, okay, lying down now," Jaskier said as he scooted to the other side of the bed and flopped down.
Yennefer slowly lay down, deciding it felt safer to have her back to Jaskier than to the door. Jaskier pulled the blankets over them, and she hummed in contentment. The keep was freezing, honestly, and the bard was warm. Tomorrow, she could use magic to make his room warmer, but for now, this would work just fine. She made a mental note to also make the bed more comfortable. This may be leagues better than a lot of her sleeping situations over the last few months, but why deny herself comfort when she now had the ability to give it to herself? At any rate, knowing Jaskier, he would appreciate more comfort as well.
"Well, this is rather cozy," Jaskier said. He had not even made it a full minute before feeling the need to break the silence. Yennefer could not say she was surprised.
"Jaskier. I know you love the sound of your own voice, but I am kindly asking you to shut up and go to sleep," Yennfer grumbled.
"Right, sorry, I'm just not used to this. I mean, usually when I'm in bed with a woman, it's for other activities. I also never expected to be in bed with you of all people," Jaskier explained. "Not that this is bad. It's surprisingly kind of nice."
"It would be nicer if you let me sleep," Yennefer responded pointedly. "Don't make me spell your mouth shut."
"Ah, my dear witch, that threat would work better if you weren't so tired," Jaskier said in a smug tone.
Yennefer gave up on responding and instead just jammed her elbow backwards. Jaskier let out a pained grunt as she made contact with his stomach.
"Ow, fuck, point taken," Jaskier wheezed.
Yennefer felt him shuffle around as he tried to get comfortable. It was a bed that was really meant for just one person, and she could tell he was trying to be respectful of her space. It would be sweet if his moving around was not so irritating.
"I'm not going to kill you if you touch me, Jaskier," Yennefer finally said.
She reached behind her and grabbed his arm, pulling it so it draped over her side, with his hand resting against her stomach. Yennefer left her hand on top of his and told herself it was to keep him from squirming around again. If she felt pleased by his sharp intake of breath, well, nobody needed to know.
"Goodnight, Yennefer," Jaskier murmured, surprisingly gentle.
"Goodnight, Jaskier," Yennefer responded quietly.
Yennefer still was not sure where she would go from here. She felt strangely unmoored, and she did not like it. Still, she could not change the choices she had made. All she could do was find a way to live with them, and to hopefully rebuild all that she had broken. Despite all of her worries, it did not take long for her to drift off to sleep, warm in Jaskier's embrace. For tonight, at least, she was safe.
Noiz: Hi there. Sorry that it's been a few weeks since I posted anything. Life has been very busy lately. I have week five's fic in progress though, so I'll try to get that one done soon. No promises on the rest of the prompts, though I shall do my best.
I started this one-shot forever ago, back when season 2 came out. I had so many feelings and I was so into the Yennskier dynamic. I'm glad I finally got to finish writing this! I might write more for this fandom to try to process all the feelings that season 3 has given me. We'll see.
Title is from "The Horror and the Wild" by The Amazing Devil.
Thanks to Aviantei for beta reading and giving me the encouragement to find time to write!