(DRAKE'S POV)

I know what I did that night was wrong I knew that you were trying to study for that chemistry test and I knew how important it was to you. But, I still acted childishly it's just you hardly spent any time with me that week your head was always in that chemistry book. I could come up with a thousand different lies for why I kept calling you the way that I did. But, in reality, I was starved for your attention because I'm hopelessly in love with you.
As much as I tried to deny it to myself at some point I just had to accept it. You wanted to spend time with me despite my flaws, and you looked at me like I was cool. I didn't really think anything of it until the whole Drew incident. I didn't know at the time why I felt so jealous of them, but at some point, I realized that I wanted to be the center of your attention. I wanted you to look at me.
But, still, that wasn't enough to justify saying that I had a crush on you. But, I wanted to be around you I wanted to do special things with you that only we could do together like bad movie Tuesday. I mean you were always on my mind would Josh enjoy this, would Josh think I was cool if I did that, and how can I make it up to Josh. It's kind of a shame how often that appeared in my mind.
When people talked about having a crush in the past I could never really understand what they were talking about the feelings of excitement, nervousness, happiness, and awkwardness are all things that people feel when they're with their crush. I mean none of the girls I've dated ever made me feel that way, so why did I feel that way around you?
I wish it could have stayed that cute, but as we got older I started wanting more. I could feel myself lusting after you, but I'm just glad you never really seemed to notice. I secretly loved all the hugs you initiated every single one left my mind feeling fuzzy. All I could think about is how nice you smelled and how warm you felt. I could feel myself longing for more especially after you kissed me. It didn't mean anything to you, you were just excited about the Oprah tickets, but for me, it was a catalyst for so many dirty desires.
When you gave in to my childish demands to play ping-pong and gave me the attention I was craving. I was full of all these awful feelings that I was sure you were never going to return. How was I supposed to sit next to you in the car that morning and still manage to pretend like nothing was up?
I took advantage of your kindness and did something shitty to you. It's not that I didn't think about your feelings it's that I couldn't control mine. When Cat called she gave me what I need a convenient outlet for my feelings if she wanted to 'Make out' then I was in. Anything to help me feel more grounded. I was sure that you would forgive me cause you always did, but I really fucked up this time.
You wouldn't look at me or talk to me if you didn't have to, it really hurt in more ways than one. I've dated and broken up with so many different girls, but I've never been that desperate to get someone back before. I felt like my whole world stopped when I lost you, but I was even more hurt by the fact that your world got better when I stopped being a part of it. That's the part that broke me the most you didn't need me... At times I feel like I reverted back to my childhood self. I felt like the helpless child I used to be always chasing after their father tiny hands clutching at their shirt desperately and being tenderly brushed off.
I know that I looked pathetic that day in Chemistry drenched in water from head to toe. My voice was raspy from the barely contained sadness that I was feeling and I told you how sorry I was that I was such a shitty brother to you. But, when you didn't go after me I think I realized that you were still conflicted about having me in your life. I didn't wanna make you miserable anymore, so I was going to do you a favor and cut myself from your life.

Even though the light was on in our bedroom everything still felt dark and gray. I wasn't even mortified with everything that happened all I could feel was a deep sadness knowing that today was really going to be the last day that we'd still be brothers. Even if it is in technicalities and marriages and not by blood I really felt like you were my brother. Even, if the way I felt about you wasn't brotherly in the least.
I wonder how long it'll take for those feelings to fade once we don't talk anymore. I was feeling lonely just sitting there by myself waiting for Josh to get home. I left school early after I basically just poured out my feelings for you in front of everybody. Does school even matter at that point anymore? I mean sure I'll probably hear it from my parents later, but it probably would have just been hell waiting for the minutes on the clock to tick by reminding me of all the times we won't be able to share together anymore.
I picked up one of the paddles for the ping-pong table. The smooth lacquered wood felt heavier in my hands than usual. I remember the day that Josh bought this we were so excited to play together, but now it's just gonna collect dust in the garage. It'll just be one of those objects that's only there to remind you of the way that things used to be, a reminder of guilt.
All these feelings were fucking with my heart and I felt so heavy, but I just... couldn't help myself... Why did I bother to pick up one of the balls anyways it's not like I have anyone to play with. I just tapped it pathetically with the paddle listening to the weak bounce off the table. Triggering some of the fun memories that we used to have, and won't make anymore.
I heard you before I saw you I was so in my head that I didn't even notice you were here till you started talking. I know that you were just trying to say that things were OK between us by using those silly voices from earlier, but I couldn't play along, "Josh I...", but you didn't let me finish. Still trying to get me to play with you, but that's over now.
If they won't listen to me then maybe actions will speak louder. I got closer quickly enveloping them in a warm hug, hugs that I usually don't initiate. They seemed slightly caught off guard and they finally went silent Josh froze up not really knowing what to do. This hug was different from the previous ones it was deeper and more emotional.
This was a goodbye hug I couldn't let them destroy the happiness that they built up for themselves when I was gone, "Joshie", I used the nickname that I gave them knowing it was probably the last time I was gonna say it the sadness I felt clearly heard in my pathetic voice.
This hug was more for me than it was for them I just wanted to feel the warmth of their body pressed up against mine for the last time. My eyes were closed as my nose was practically berried in his neck taking in the last of his familiar scent.
My voice practically came out as a whisper, but knowing how close we were I knew that they heard me, "I finally realized that I was ruining your life and I don't wanna hurt you any more than I already have, so let's keep things the way that they are now", he seemed a little shocked I'm not normally that honest.
He seemed shaken his voice giving away the confusion that they felt, "Why do want things to stay the same? What, do you need me to say that I'm sorry to cause, I'm sorry. So, can we please just go back to the way things were?", something about his voice seemed slightly scared, but I know that what I'm doing is for the best.
I don't know if things can go back to the way that they were anymore. I don't want to hurt you, but even if we did go back could I still keep my feelings under wrap? I mean if I couldn't hold myself back and told you how I felt when I know that you don't feel the same way. I feel like it'd just hurt the both of us it's just better this way.
I begrudgingly pulled myself away my every cell screaming for the warmth that you provided I wanted all of it, but was never going to have it I can't hurt you again, "No", I put on my best poker face trying to contain my composure. I didn't really look at them when I walked out of the room closing the bedroom door behind me.
I was prepared to leave I didn't wanna be here tonight. I was hoping that I could crash at a friend's place tonight making sure that there was no chance to turn back. I was already out the front door the straps of the black canvas backpack already digging into my shoulders from all the clothes and toiletries I stuffed in it. I was almost at the door when I heard a ringing sound from my pocket.
I grabbed the thin plastic cellphone from my jeans pocket checking the collar ID before answering. At least I didn't recognize the number so I picked up, "Hello?", my voice might still sound a little raspy from earlier, but at least I could play it off if someone asked me about it.
I could hear a slight gasp from the other side of the phone, "Drake I'm so glad I got the right number. You see I'm holding a party tonight and I want you to be there as my date", I didn't really even know who this chick was, but I knew she was just another rich and somewhat arrogant sounding bitch from our school who just wants to sleep with me to boost her popularity.
I wasn't gonna turn down this opportunity even if she is the kind of girl I just pretend I can stand until I get what I want from them, but what better way to drown your sorrows than to throw yourself into a pretend love. Especially, when these kinds of parties always have some type of booze it does help to sweeten the deal.
I didn't waste too much time giving my answer, "Alright, I'll be there. I'm gonna need some directions".

I was right she definitely was a rich kid this place was dressed to the nines in streamers and balloons. I could feel my body shaking from the bass of the speakers spilling out the top 10 songs on the charts. The smell of the alcohol in the room was strong pretty much everyone had some kind of drink.
Since I just got here and I have no idea what this girl looks like I figured my first goal was to find the alcohol. I spotted coolers sitting in the middle of the living room, but from the traffic jam of people trying to make their way in and out of the kitchen, I'm assuming the harder shits in there.
I could feel myself sweating just from the proximity of pushing myself through the sea of people. But, I was determined to make my way into that kitchen. I'm pretty sure my body's gonna be littered with bruises from all the random elbows cutting in and assaulting me.
As soon as I made my way into the kitchen it cleared up a bit feeling less claustrophobic than the main living room area. I let my shoulders down a little the tension leaving my body as I stood in line to get some of the better booze.
My comfort was Immediately driven away the moment I felt someone slump themselves over my shoulders wrapping their arms around me. If I was speaking honestly a part of me was hoping that she wouldn't have found me, but I could hear her voice. It was definitely the same one from the phone call, "I knew you'd show up. Sorry I couldn't pick you up myself hopefully you don't mind", her annoying valley girl accent made my ears ring.
Her voice felt like nails on a chalkboard to me. I was just praying that if my conversation was kept short that maybe she'd stay quiet, "No, it wasn't an issue".
My body felt tense from all the excessive contact. I could feel her sliding off my shoulders. Maybe she could tell that I was tense. But, the idea of her being thoughtful flew out the window when she grabbed my hand. At least I could get a better look at her from this angle. Just from a cursory glance, I could tell that she was pretty. But, she's just another carbon copy of the fashion of our time.
If I threw her into the slew of other girls that I've dated I wouldn't be able to distinguish her from the next girl. In fact, during my fight to the kitchen, I could swear I saw like three more girls wearing almost the exact same clothes.
But, I know what it's like to wanna follow the trends and want to be popular. I almost wonder if anyone could pick me out of a crowd either or if I'm just another thoughtless mob that tried desperately to fit in.
Normally, It didn't really bother me when girls grabbed my arm or made little touches that told me that they were interested. I usually enjoyed the attention it made me feel desired, it fed my ego, and helped me to run away from my unbrotherly feelings toward Josh. But, tonight with how depressed I felt every time they invaded my space just made me feel stressed.
Everything about this girl felt fake and all I could see were little visions of myself in her wondering what the point of this was when I lost one of the people who meant something to me.
The line opened up just in time before she could start speaking again. I quickly stepped closer to the counter creating distance between us and I eyed all the available options. I didn't need the hardest shit available, but I hoping to get drunk quickly, the quicker the better.
With all the fancy equipment laid out and the colorful bottles of different types of syrups, it almost looked like they were set up to make mixed drinks. I didn't really wanna waste my time on this my eyes scanning over at least 30 different bottles laid out. The only thing I really recognized were the cheap bottles of Vodka it was easy to recognize from the unique shape of the bottle. From the moment the cool glass bottle touched my hand I intended on taking the whole thing I wasn't gonna fight my way back here later.
I expected her to object she just seemed like the spoiled ignorant type. The type to throw a tantrum when things don't go the way they want them to but she surprised me, and not just with the shitty attempt she made to be sexy trying to whisper in my ear. But, by the way, she just rolled with it, "I was thinking the same thing you wanna find a place where we can be alone together right?", I was hurting my heart was aching, throbbing, and buzzing. I know it's wrong, but the warm feeling of her breath ghosting over my ear gave me a sense of comfort. All I really wanted right now was just to have someone hold me close.
My head was spinning by now the alcohol fully doing its job making me feel like I'm floating after drowning in my own feelings for so long. I'm guessing this was her room everything was some shade of pink from the walls to the furniture. Everything was starting to sway and blur through my vision. My eyes happened to lock on to one of the non-pink items in this room and I felt a sense of guilt creep up my spine as I stared at the enlarged perfect family photo staring back at me.
I honestly didn't wanna think anymore and with the way that I feel I don't know how long I'll have the capacity to either. I basically hogged the whole bottle the girl was practically still sober and almost pouting. She seemed kinda peeved by the tone of her voice. She glared at me from her spot next to me on what I'm assuming is her bed, "I basically threw myself at you all night, and you've done absolutely nothing!", I didn't really know what to say, but she didn't really give me a chance when she pushed me down and straddled my hips.
I mean I knew this is what she wanted. It's part of the reason I came, but for some reason, I just feel conflicted little images of Josh appearing in my mind. I must have seemed apathetic cause she sighed exaggeratedly before making contact with my lips. Usually, I admire how soft girl's lips are I like the taste of their flavored lip gloss. But, the taste of the peaches just brought me back to one of the things that Josh enjoyed.
It stung at my heart, but I wish that I never took Josh for granted. Her body was soft and warm as she pressed herself against me. Images of my hug with Josh earlier entered my mind as I was reminded of the way their body felt against mine. I was never going to able to feel it again, and even if it was wrong I longed to feel it again.
I finally snapped out of my slight daze reciprocating the kiss, but I knew deep down it wasn't really her that I wanted to kiss. Little visions of Josh filled my brain until I wasn't even really doing this with her anymore and I let my feelings take control from the alcohol.

We were both spent as I collapsed by their side just having finished having sex. She snuggled up close to me, "I knew you were into me. Playing hard to get like that", I just lied there still somewhat petrified by the visions that just danced across my mind. I felt dirty knowing how good it felt when I pretended that Josh was kissing me. I could feel my stomach churning from the heightened emotions. All this stress finally just pushed me over the edge feeling the violent burning of the acid bubbling its way up my throat. I grabbed at the metal waste basket by the side of her bed. I heaved my guts out the awful taste coating my entire mouth as I gasped for air desperately in between retches.
The girl got up and started grabbing her clothes that were tossed aside, "Sorry, Drake this is kinda gross, so I'm just gonna go", Honestly, even if I didn't care about anything she had to say I still felt a sense of loneliness when I watched her close the door behind her.
I didn't really have the strength or the wherewithal to go anywhere my head still felt like it was spinning even though I'm sure I emptied everything out. My mouth tasted gross as gross as the vomit smelled the sharp acid stench permeating the air around me. I was emotionally and physically exhausted letting my heavy eyes close. I was pretty sure I could probably convince her to at least let me stay the night, and if I was lucky I could use their shower in the morning. Before, I have to find someplace else to go.