(Josh's POV)

I could hear the tapping of my fingernails against the wood of the table in the living room. The smell of the schools' textbooks tickled my nose as my eyes lazily glanced over the glossy, but wrinkled pages of the old beaten-up school textbook. My chin in my other hand, elbow on the table as I sighed to myself for the hundredth time today.
Even though I'm trying to study my mind keeps wandering towards Drake. I usually love studying, but my heart has been feeling heavy lately. Usually, Drake's pretty sneaky, but he's not even trying to be sly anymore. He's been pretty blatant about his out-of-control behavior. I mean he came home shitfaced the other night not even trying to hide it our parents were pissed, and they tried grounding him. But, he just walked past them. Went upstairs got more clothes and stuff and then just bailed.
I mean I think everyone at the time felt surprised, especially our parents. Drake might do stupid things occasionally and get grounded for them, but I mean at heart he's always been a 'good' kid. Depending on how you define the word good I suppose, but life isn't black and white. With all the shades of gray, he shows he's still just a teen. He may manipulate people, lie, be absent-minded, and slightly narcissistic but I mean when he does mess up and go too far he always tries to make things right again.
Drake puts on a front cause he's trying to be cool, and even if he acts like he doesn't I can tell that he cares. I mean when we worked at the movie theater together he took the blame for the whole golden ball incident, or going out of his way to get Oprah's signature after I hit her with the car, or even when me and him joined that sushi job to get our parents furniture back after it was stolen. He didn't have to care, but he did.
But, I'm not going to lie they've hurt me too, and I thought I really was done with them. It wasn't just one thing that caused me to do what I did I truly thought that he didn't care about me at all. When I cut them out at the time it felt like the right thing to do. Initially, I did feel better I mean the stress rash that was plaguing my life went away and I even got an A on the test that was gonna be knocked down a letter grade.
But... I mean I started to think about the little things that they did even when Drake could be childish and immature sometimes that made life fun. I could tell where the empty spots were in my life without them. I kept thinking about all the things I'd like to share with them and all the things I wish I could still do with them. At times we really did feel like brothers.
When he admitted that he need me I wasn't really sure how to feel I mean he looked pitiful, but deep down it kinda made me happy to think that I meant so much to Drake. I mean I never would have known if they didn't tell me.
But, I really fucked up I thought that everything could go back to normal and that we'd be playing ping-pong again and breaking even more windows. But... it didn't.
That Joshie that they used when they referred to me that day flashed through my mind for a second. I remember the way that they hugged me initially I didn't know what to think. But... I remember how warm it felt... and the little tickle of Drake's breathing against my neck. I feel a little sick when I remember how my heart sped up a little when they used my nickname. But, I'll I guess I can chalk my heart rate up to Drake's unusual behavior that day making me feel nervous.
"I finally realized that I was ruining your life and I don't wanna hurt you any more than I already have, so let's keep things the way that they are now".
The words that they used that day were echoing through my head. Now their just on this path of self-destruction it seems like their almost always drunk when they come back to the house. Sometimes I'll see different girls waiting in cars outside the house while he gathers more stuff to put in that bookbag he always carries around with him. He doesn't even come to school anymore.
I mean I know I deserve it in some sense when he avoids even looking at me I did the same thing to them, but when my heart feels like it's being squeezed and torn apart from how badly I wanted their attention. I realized how badly I was hurting them that entire time.
Occasionally, I'll see them glance at me though it's only for a moment I can see the sadness, regret, and just something else that I can't really place. But, I can tell that they don't hold any resentment towards me, so why do they keep doing this when we both want the same thing.
Something in my gut is telling me that there's something deeper to the way that they're acting if I figure that out then maybe they'll stop doing this to themselves. But, I wanna fix this I want them to come home, I want to see them, and I want them to be a part of my life. I mean they did hurt me, but I forgave them. I just don't know what's keeping them from forgiving themselves.
I sigh loudly and rest my forehead on the textbook that I still had open. I was supposed to have Craig and Eric over today. A lot has been on my mind lately and the last quiz we had in History I only managed to get a B. I always took my grades seriously getting anything less than an A was pretty hard on me. When they saw how much it affected me the guys offered to come over to help me focus, but I didn't tell them about what was happening with Drake. I'm not sure I'm ready to bring it up yet.
I could hear keys jingling in the lock I could tell who it was cause if it was mom or dad they would have gotten it open by now. But, by the way, they were struggling I could tell that it was Drake. I could hear the front door swing open and I made eye contact with them from the living room. A briefly hurt look crossed their face before they looked towards the stairs. I guess I didn't really expect them to say Hi, but I didn't want things to stay like this forever.
I heard the front door slam closed behind Drake his footsteps echoing through the hallway as he made his way upstairs. I wasn't really sure what to do, but I heard the new but familiar rummaging sound of them going through their stuff. I knew they were looking to pack their shit up and leave again. I could hear my chair squeaking against the floor as I made my decision. I hid by the front door hoping they wouldn't see me standing there when he comes back down to leave. Every other time he came back there was a parent ready to scold his behavior this time it was just me and them and nobody else. Maybe, if I told them that I wanted them to still be a part of my life they'd stop leaving and things could go back to normal.
My body tensed when I heard the footsteps coming back down. My pulse was beating loud in my ears as I prepared myself for the inevitable confrontation. I could see Drake's body stiffen up when he finally saw me the scowl on their face looking less than pleased. He tried to just walk past me, but I stepped in front of them blocking the entrance, "Move", Drake sounded slightly frustrated his voice sounding low and hoarse, but I already made up my mind at this point.
Just from being this close, I could smell the stale stench of the alcohol, but I caught a certain stench of perfume too. That almost bothered me more than the smell of the alcohol. I didn't really know why but I could feel a slight pain in my heart.
I don't know where these words came from, "Please don't go", I surprised myself with how pathetic I sounded. I mean it's what I wanted to say, but something about it felt different.
Drake seemed impatient, "Josh move, I have someone waiting for me outside", of course, there's another girl outside. I felt kind of weird it really shouldn't bother me, but the situational mix of the perfume and the girl waiting outside made me feel strangely jealous like they were taking my brother away from me.
Drake didn't wait any longer trying to push me to the side I didn't wanna fight, but I did want them to hear me. I grabbed their arm without thinking holding on tight to his wrist it never felt so fragile before, and it kinda scared me. I could feel myself getting chocked up and I didn't even really understand, "I don't want you to go. I want you to be a part of my life. I'm sorry I didn't realize that I hurt you this much, but I want my brother back", all of this was just pure emotion. I was just hoping I'd get through to them.
I couldn't really make out the expression on their face they looked sad and frustrated like they didn't know what to do. I could feel their body trembling slightly, but he yanked his hand back, "You're annoying!", his words hit me hard and I stepped back letting go. Maybe, it was the look of regret on Drake's face, but my heart was hurting in so many confusing ways as they slipped past me. They didn't even close the door behind them as Drake rushed to get into the car that was parked on the side of the street. The revving engine leaving behind thick trails of exhaust.
"You're annoying!"
Why though? Why did they look so sad? it's like the words that they said hurt them more than they hurt me. I could feel something cold and wet drip onto my hand. I looked up expecting to see a cloudy gray sky above me, but the afternoon sky was still vibrant with hues of pink and orange. The beautiful colors blurred more with each blink of my eyes the mysterious wet feeling becoming more clear as it dripped down my cheeks I was crying.

Luckily Craig and Eric were late which gave me some time to compose myself before they showed up. I took a quick glance in the bathroom mirror my eyes were red and puffy and my voice still sounded a little raspy, but maybe they'd overlook it.
I could hear the doorbell echo throughout the empty house. I still mentally wasn't really ready to face them, but it wouldn't be fair for me to just send them home either. I took one

last deep breath making my way back towards the front door where everything just went down. I put on my best poker face trying to at least smile for them before I opened the door, "Hey guys what's up?", the emotion I felt was certainly still present in my voice causing it to crack despite my best efforts. Clearly, from the look on their faces, they knew something was up it's not exactly like I hid it very well. But, neither of them spoke up.
I opened the door gesturing for them to come inside, "Come on in. Take a seat at the table", I followed behind them my heart feeling a little twinge of pain with the sound of the door closing.
But, tonight is a study night I told these guys we were gonna study, and that's what I'm gonna try to do. The guys still seemed a little on edge when I sat down. I think Eric spoke up my mind felt a little scattered so I didn't even know for sure, "Josh, are you alright? You seem, off...".
I didn't really wanna make this day about me and my problems, "Yeah, I'm fine", maybe the phony smile didn't convince them cause I saw both of them frown slightly.
This time I was sure it was Craig who spoke up. His face still seeming slightly disappointed, "Josh, we've been your friends for years now I think we can tell when something is up. I don't wanna pressure you if you're not ready to talk about it, but just know that we're here if you need us to be", everything was still so fresh in my mind and all of the previous emotions were still swirling. I know that they were there to support me when I cut Drake out of my life, maybe they'll have some advice now that he cut me out of his.

I opened up to them about everything that's happened starting from the day that Drake broke down in the classroom maybe leaving out certain feelings of mine. Even I don't really know why I felt Jealous earlier.
After, I said my piece Eric seemed like he had something to say, but was slightly hesitant to say it, "Look if I say something, do you promise not to get upset?", he seemed nervous twiddling his thumbs together.
I didn't really wanna promise anything right now considering the emotional roller coaster that I've been on today, but maybe it'll give me some clue as to why Drake just can't seem to tolerate being around me anymore. I know these guys they're not gonna go out of their way to offend me, "Sure, I won't get upset", I faced towards them giving them my full attention.
Eric put his hand out signaling me to just hear him out before I say anything. Eric took a deep breath he looked a little skittish like I was gonna attack him if I didn't like what he said, "I mean you didn't run away from him when you cut him out of your life. Clearly, something is hurting him enough to avoid you entirely. I mean he literally admitted to the entire class how much he needed you. Did- did you think that... maybe, just maybe... they might have feelings for you? And that's why they're acting out".
I was taken a little aback by what they said I mean Drake having feelings for me of all people, "No, I never got the feeling from them that they liked me that way, and a part of me just isn't sure that he could really like anyone to be honest. Even if Drake said that he needed me. He needed me as a brother", or at least that's the implication that I got from what happened. I had this weird feeling of dissatisfaction from my own words.
For just a second I imagined a life where Drake really did have feelings for me. I thought about what it'd be like if we were to... date. I pictured Drake asking me out to one of their notorious movie dates. We'd be so close our arms would be touching, and even if we've touched arms before it'd feel different this time, and then just like most of his other dates he'd lean in, and... a slight shame filled blushed colored my cheeks from the confusing and fuzzy feelings, but I just don't think that Drake could be in love with me. My heart dropped in a strange sensation of disappointment. While my mind contemplated the moral implication of what our going out would even mean even if were not related by blood.

I continued to listen to different pieces of advice they had to give me and before I knew it they were gone and I was all alone. It at least helped to talk about it even if there wasn't much that they could actually do, but they were there for me when I needed them and I appreciated that.
It was late by the time they left. Emotionally and physically I was exhausted. I settled down into my warm comfortable bed after changing into my pajamas for the night. But, even though I was tired my mind kept wandering. I had a lot of weird different feelings going through my head like why I felt Jealous earlier or why I felt weird when I imagined Drake and I kissing... My mind got stuck back on that familiar warmth.
I mean so much shit has been happening lately my body and mind are completely stressed it's not like Drake ever comes home anyways at this point it's basically my room...
I didn't want to, but I didn't know what else to do this funny feeling refused to leave. I got off of my soft warm bed the springs creaking from underneath me. My body feeling cold now that it's exposed to the air.
I don't usually buy pornography, but I don't know something about this one just called out to me. I slipped out the magazine from the false bottom in my desk drawer I mean Megan's in our room all the time I have to make sure I keep this kinda stuff hidden. I mean I don't think Drake even knows about this hiding spot or this magazine.
I admired the girl on the cover of the magazine I supposed this girl is what really drove me to make that impulsive purchase I mean she doesn't have much of a chest, but she does have a slender build and deep brown eyes. I blushed slightly when I had this weird intrusive thought that she kinda reminded me of Drake in some ways, and that weird fuzzy feeling from earlier came back. I never really thought of Drake in that way before, but I kinda wonder what face they make when they feel good...
I can hear my breathing picking up slightly as fall back into the warmth of the bed. I put the book next to me flipping to the pages where that girl was featured. My thoughts were going haywire I knew that I shouldn't be having these thoughts about Drake, but I let my mind go there. I mean I've seen him make out with plenty of girls before it's not that hard to imagine what it feel like if he were to... kiss me... I was barely even looking at that page. My mind was more than enough fueling my imagination. It didn't really take long for me to start feeling excited shakily palming myself through the smooth feeling of my gray pajama pants. I shouldn't be feeling this way and deep down I knew that, but it didn't stop these dirty thoughts.
I wonder what it'd be like if they touched me their hands wandering under my shirt leaving trails of fire everywhere that they touched. I could hear my ragged breathing loud in my ears. I've barely touched anything and yet I could feel the resistance of my clothes pressing against my pretty obvious boner. I slid my fingers down under the waistbands of my restricting clothing slipping them off. My cock was so hard it was basically touching my stomach at this point leaking little trails of pre-cum that felt cold now that it was exposed to the air.
I just barely touched it I could already hear myself hissing from the pleasure. I didn't really even hear the door open, but I did see the light from the hallway exposing me. I panicked and covered myself with the blanket before I even thought to see who it was, there was Drake himself. My face was flushed, and my breathing was heavy. Even the air smelled dirty with the scent of my arousal. There's no way he wouldn't have known what I was doing.
I expected them to do what they've been doing honestly. I thought they'd just walk out pretending that they never saw anything. But, he froze up, the hallway light illuminating his face that seemed slightly flushed. I couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol or just the situation. He seemed dazed until his gaze wandered to the magazine I could see the change on their face it almost seemed pained.
I was still shocked having seized up from the awkward situation. My heart was pounding a mile a minute whether it was from Drake moving closer or just the entire situation I couldn't tell. He tossed the magazine to the floor his knee now on the bed as he leaned in close to my ear. The warm puffs of air sent chills down my spine with every word that they spoke, "I'm way better than that magazine. Let me help you", his voice sounding low and full of desire. I could feel his hand slipping underneath the blanket that I was gripping.
I saw the way Drake's face looked his eyes half-lidded and full of lust staring at me and only me in this moment. I- I wanted them to touch me.
I always thought Drake's hands would feel soft with the way he values his appearance, but they were calloused and rough. My hands weren't exactly soft, but his touch felt different. He only just grazed against my dick, and I could feel it twitching.
I was so turned on it was scary, "Please", my voice came out as a low whisper. But, I was so hard I needed them to touch me.
They slipped the blanket off fully exposing me, but I couldn't tell if I was shivering from the cold air or the pleasure that I felt from the way that they looked at me. I felt hot under their wondering gaze Drake's eyes stopping to stare at my erect cock.
I shifted nervously feeling slightly embarrassed under Drake's gaze. He leaned in close again his lips so close they almost grazed against my ear, "your already leaking so much", I blushed and looked away sheepishly. They were right it's not like I don't masturbate and I'm not a virgin either, but I've never

been this turned on before.
Drake finally reached out touching my cock the gentle touch driving me crazy. I gripped Drake's shirt pulling them in closer my head buried in their neck.
They were almost teasing me with their touches. Drake's rough hand gripping the base of my dick. It was almost ridiculous how slowly they were moving upwards. I couldn't stop myself from shivering a little moan escaping my mouth as his palm ran over my cock head smearing the pre-cum that was leaking from the tip. He used it skillfully coating my dick with it decreasing the amount of friction.
His skillful hand easily moved up and down teasing me in just the right places. He occasionally, played with my glans his thumb running over the slit. I forced myself to stay still just wanting to writhe under the pleasure from the rough fingers circling my cock, "h-harder", I was so close my breath was already hitching in my chest.
Drake definitely heard me though gripping my cock tighter. I felt like a mess clinging onto them like this my voice letting out these little noises I'm not not sure I've even made before.
I was close. I could feel my balls tightening my body shivering with my release. I got cum all over Drake's hand I even got some on his shirt. I didn't let Drake go though still holding them close they felt so warm even though they smelled like cheap perfume and strong booze. But, after a minute I let them go I mean I had to.
Drake surprised me when I saw them taste the semen I released all over their hand licking it clean, "God, you taste good", he seemed so honest. I could still see the pure desire in their eyes, and now that I have a slightly different angle I could see something else too.
Drake's tight jeans were pressing hard against his erection. I couldn't imagine how uncomfortable they must be feeling. I wasn't really sure what I was doing, but I felt like it'd only be fair to return the favor. I tentatively rubbed my hand against the front of their jeans just barely touching their hardened cock.
For the first time in a long time, we locked eyes, and even though they were filled with desire I could tell that there was a hint of doubt in his eyes. Before, I could completely remove my hand they grasped my wrist, "Keep going please", I could hear the desperate need in their voice sending more tiny waves of pleasure down my spine.
I was tired of them being so far away, so I pulled them in closer sprawling them out on the bed next to me, "Your jeans help me take them off", I didn't expect to sound so firm. But, from the expression on Drake's face, he didn't seem to mind. He unbuttoned his pants lifting his hips so that I could slide them off.
I took a moment to admire their slim figure the way their legs looked in the moonlight, the way their face looked when they were turned on, and the slight flush taking over their pale completion. I could feel my chest burning and I could feel the warm blush covering my own face. I don't think I've ever felt this way before it scared me when I realized how much I wanted them.
I could see the wet spot forming on his boxers from where his erection was I took a moment to grip their hard-on just feeling it through the slightly rough material of their boxers. For someone like Drake who had girls throwing themselves at them all the time, the look on their face looked debauched. Even with his boxers on he was still squirming from my gentle touches, "Stop teasing me", the look on their face caught me off guard. Drake's serious face made my heart race.
I slipped off their boxers. I was feeling nervous now that I was faced with Drake's exposed cock. I didn't have as much experience as they did, what if it didn't feel good? But, the more time I spent contemplating the longer they'd have to wait their cock was leaking almost as much as mine was I don't wanna keep them waiting too long.
I was a lot less sure of my movements than Drake was, but I tried to remember the way that they did it. I circled my fingers around their cock. I barely even moved, and they were already making the dirtiest noises I've ever heard. I could feel them shiver underneath me as I used their pre-cum as a type of lubricant the same way that they did, "f-faster", I could hear them panting underneath me.
When I picked up the pace Drake seemed to lose it I honestly never thought they'd be this vocal in bed each little moan sending even more shivers down my spine. He seemed embarrassed as he bit down on his hand trying to muffle the noises that they were making it almost looked painful.
The moans felt like an encouragement some of my nervousness dissipating as I decided to try something, cupping Drake's balls in one hand putting some pressure on them, but not enough to actually hurt them. I could see their back arching off the bed the pleasure apparent on their face as they wriggled their hips. I wasn't expecting to feel this rush of blatant need when I saw them release. I could see the mix of our semen together on their shirt, and just the way it felt as it dripped down my hand felt better than I ever thought it would.
I could see Drake's even breathing the slow rise and fall of their chest. I honestly think they fell asleep as I watched the relaxed expression on their face their dark eyelashes reflecting the moonlight through the window. I felt that weird burning in my chest again, but now was not the time to think about it.
Everyone else in the house was still gone at least for the moment. My body still feels slightly hot when I think of all the noise that Drake made. Had our parents been home we would have gotten caught for sure.
My first priority was getting rid of the evidence. I slipped off the clothes that Drake was wearing throwing them in the wash before they could stain. Drake must have been tired cause even when I wiped his body with a damp washcloth he didn't wake up. It makes me wonder what he's been doing since he hasn't been home. I could only imagine the number of women that they slept next to only to leave and head to the next one. I could see all the hickies littering their chest my mind remembering how his shirt still had that faint smell of perfume. I could feel myself letting out a slow sigh the random stinging pain assaulting my heart again.
I was expecting it to be harder to maneuver their unconscious body while I slipped on their pajamas. Luckily for me, they were pretty light.
Once we were both cleaned up. I kinda wished that we could have slept in the same bed cuddled up together. I still wanted to feel the warmth of their body against mine. But, despite not wanting my parents to see me cuddled up to my stepbrother. I wondered how Drake would feel about me wanting to sleep next to them. Clearly, just from the way they smell and the hickies covering their body they slept with a lot of different people. I mean how would they feel if they woke up next to me?
I felt this weird longing within me and I wanted Drake all to myself, but that didn't mean that I was in love with them, right? But, when I think about them leaving again in the morning it stung at my heart. I felt so deeply confused right now I didn't know how to make heads or tails of the things I was feeling.
But, if I didn't sleep in my own bed then where was I going to sleep? My eyes glanced at Drake's bed something about sleeping there after everything that happened felt dirty, but I didn't really wanna sleep on the couch either. The metal ladder felt cold against my fingers, but more than just the ladder the entire bed was cold to the touch. I huddled under the blankets trying to warm up the bed with my body heat. Something about this bed just felt different from my own. It even smelled different I could feel my face flush when I realized that this was Drake's scent without the cheap perfume and stale booze this is what they really smelled like. My chest was burning again I just don't know what's wrong with me. I cuddled deeper into the bed letting my eyes close as I drifted off... I just want Drake to stay...