The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Ghosts characters is watching TV. Just some madness from my tiny little brain.
Phantom Couch Potatoes
"Hey guys," Sam walked into the living room, noticing the ghosts were sitting or standing around watching TV. "What are you doing?"
Isaac gave her a look. "Conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. What do you think we're doing?"
"We found another show to watch," Pete said excitedly. "A British comedy mystery show called Cardinal Blue. About a wise cracking cardinal and a chirpy nun who solve mysteries!"
"Normally I'm not a fan of British humor," Trevor admitted. "But this cardinal guy was pretty hilarious. You know the actor playing him is Jewish? That's funny in my book."
"It was a hit show that ran for five years!" Pete added.
"I found it quite enjoyable," Nigel nodded. "It helped me learn more about what's going on back home. Did you know Great Britain had a prime minster that was female? I didn't."
"Well, that's something for you to watch," Sam smiled.
"Already did," Alberta remarked. "There were only 28 episodes and most of them were under twenty-five minutes. We knocked that out in a day."
"I gotta say we're really catching up on our TV watching," Pete nodded. "What series do you guys want to watch next?"
"That spy show with the husband and wife sounds pretty good," Trevor remarked.
"I want to see the detective show with the son teams up with his lawyer mother," Alberta spoke up.
"That comedy show about those neighbors sounds like fun," Pete suggested. "Or that other comedy show about a kid genius and his family!"
"Action!" Thorfinn called out. "Thorfinn want to see action show! Oh! How about those FBI Agents in Europe! Fun watching buildings get blown up! Maybe see Danish building get blown up! Or better yet! Some Danes!"
"I could go for some more reality show drama," Sasappis added.
"Or a period piece drama?" Hetty asked. "Even I admit Bodices and Barons are starting to get a tad predictable. I hear that miniseries on Queen Victoria is interesting."
"Ooh! I'll watch that," Nigel perked up.
"How about another cooking show?" Isaac asked.
"What about the one with the two and a half guys that was on a while back?" Flower suggested. "We could watch more of those episodes."
"NO!" All the ghosts said as one.
"Oh yeah," Flower remarked. "Forget that one. I probably will."
"To be fair the early episodes weren't that bad," Trevor remarked. "Until the drunk guy got fired."
"I actually liked the mother," Hetty remarked. "A very relatable character."
"Okay that's it," Sam turned off the TV. "You guys are becoming phantom couch potatoes!"
"Hey!" Trevor and Alberta protested.
"Oh come on!" Sasappis said at the same time.
"Seriously Sam?" Pete balked at the same time.
"Samantha!" Hetty gasped at the same time.
"No fair!" Flower pouted.
"Why?" Thorfinn asked.
"I want to watch a bake-off!" Isaac pouted.
"I think you guys should try a new activity," Sam spoke up.
"Like what?" Isaac gave her a look. "Badminton? Bowling? Shuffleboard?"
"Hello?" Alberta passed her arm through a nearby table. "Can't really do that much when it comes to activities Sam!"
"Kind of hard when you can't touch anything," Sasappis added. "What part of being a ghost is confusing to you? Core concept?"
"Actually, I was thinking that you guys could have some more interesting conversations," Sam explained.
"Samantha," Isaac gave her a look. "We're ghosts. All we have done is have conversations for literally hundreds of years. Television is better."
"Way better," Trevor nodded.
"In fact, Movie and TV Club have really picked up since we got TV," Pete added. "And now we literally have dozens of shows and movies we can talk about. That we've all actually seen!"
Sasappis added. "We have enough shows to talk about for the next decade. We're just getting as much in as possible."
"Especially for when guests arrive and we don't have access to the shows we want to see," Hetty added.
"Well, I think it would be good for you to have some other discussions," Sam said. "Some non-TV based conversations wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."
"Technically the worst thing in the world is if we don't have access to TV," Sasappis remarked.
"He's not wrong," Trevor agreed.
"I thought you would all appreciate something educational," Sam explained as she took out some cards.
"We appreciate the TV!" Alberta shouted.
Trevor added. "That's educational!"
Hetty groaned. "Not the cards again!"
"I've gotten some interesting factoids for you to learn as well as more conversation topics," Sam said cheerfully. "This will be fun!"
"No, it won't," Sasappis said folding his arms.
"Samantha," Hetty sighed. "Didn't you attempt this before and it didn't work?"
"Well, we're going to try this again," Sam told him.
"This is doomed to fail," Alberta scoffed.
"Just like most of those TV reboots," Sasappis quipped.
"Okay," Sam said. "Let's start with an interesting fact."
"Here's a fact," Sasappis spoke up. "We hate this. We want the TV!"
Sam read on. "An 8.8 magnitude earthquake shifted our planet on its axis by three inches and shortened our days by 1.26 milliseconds."
Sasappis added. "And yet eternity gets longer every day."
"Especially with this conversation," Isaac quipped.
Sam read something. "Here's a conversation topic. If you had to choose your own epitaph, what would it say?"
"Real cheery topic Sam," Sasappis quipped. "That will really help us get over our deaths!"
Sam paused. "That was a bit insensitive."
"You think?" Sasappis snapped.
"Vikings do not have tombstones," Thorfinn spoke up. "Our memories of our elders are told in songs and stories. Like Thorfinn's great grandfather! Thorstrumm The Bold! He was mighty! He was bold! He….Huh. Thorfinn forgot exactly what he did."
"I see the flaw in this system," Isaac remarked.
"Thorfinn knows he killed someone…" Thorfinn thought. "Someone important. Huh. Thorfinn can't remember. Wait, was great grandfather's name Thorstrumm The Bold or Thorstrumm the Strong? Lots of Thorstrumms in Thorfinn's family."
"I'll go next," Isaac spoke up. "I believe mine should say…Here lies Captain Isaac Higgintoot. Statesman, soldier…Patriot."
"Oh please," Nigel rolled his eyes. "You didn't even get a tombstone! You got thrown in a hole and forgotten when everyone else went off to the pub!"
"Well, that's what I want it to say!" Isaac snapped. "What about your tombstone?"
"I didn't get one either," Nigel snapped. "That prissy little second in command shoved me in a hole and marched off first chance he got!"
"Neither of you got a gravestone?" Trevor asked.
"It was wartime and refrigeration hadn't been invented yet," Nigel explained. "And unless you were a general or something your body was pretty much left where you died. Very few soldiers were buried in actual cemeteries!"
"We probably do have a tombstone somewhere," Isaac spoke up. "When they informed our families about our demise."
"I'd be surprised if my family did that," Nigel remarked. "My bloody brothers didn't even care. And I know my father would have preferred to spend money on drink!"
"Well, if you had a tombstone what would you like it to say?" Isaac asked.
Nigel paused. "I'd like to say that I died for my country."
"You died by accident," Sasappis told him. "A really stupid idiotic accident."
"THANK YOU SASAPPIS!" Isaac snapped.
"Well, I know what mine would say," Alberta posed. "Alberta Haynes. Beloved Jazz Entertainer and Star!"
"You know we can just have Sam look up what your tombstone actually says right?" Trevor pointed out.
"That's what I want it to say so drop it Trev!" Alberta snapped.
"I could always ask Todd," Sam then realized what she said. "Oh God no. I can't ask Todd!"
"Because you know he will rob her grave to get genetic material for her corpse so he can clone her," Pete added. "I saw exactly where you were going with that."
"Oh, dear God so did I," Alberta visibly shuddered.
"Did I mention this was a great topic, Sam?" Sasappis asked sarcastically.
"Gee I'd like mine to say I was a beloved husband and a good father," Pete sighed. "But I know the whole beloved husband thing was a complete and total lie. Because my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. So if it does say I was a beloved husband, that's just my wife being a big stinking liar!"
"Again," Sasappis looked at Sam. "Great topic."
"Oh, dear God," Alberta gasped. "Is that where they got my toenail? What other body parts did those ghouls take and sell online? What is it? Some kind of celebrity chop shop?"
"Somebody else please say something," Sam groaned.
Hetty spoke up. "Hetty Woodstone. Beloved wife and mother. I mean what else would it say? Not like I had any opportunity to be anything else back then. Now I'm starting to get depressed."
"Peace love and lots of shrooms," Flower added. "But don't hug the bears!"
"Party on Bros!" Trevor grinned.
"Here lies Sasappis," Sasappis spoke up. "Surrounded by idiots!"
Sam read another fact. "Here's a fun fact. Koalas can sleep as long as twenty-two hours a day."
"Stephanie can beat that by a mile," Flower remarked.
"Thorfinn once slept a few decades," Thorfinn added. "Bah! Koalas lightweights!"
"Okay how about this?" Sam read from a card. "If you could create a memorial to yourself in a city park, what would the memorial be?"
Alberta spoke up. "Why are all these conversation topics death themed?"
"Seriously Sam?" Trevor groaned. "Just because we're ghosts…"
"Okay I see your point. Oh. This is interesting," Sam read another fact. "Over the past thousand years, human brains have become smarter."
"Oh sure," Thorfinn grumbled. "Lord that over Thorfinn."
"I've been watching humans for over five hundred years," Sasappis remarked. "They're not that much smarter!"
Sam read another fact. "Here's an interesting fact. Each person carries about 150 different species of bacteria on their hands."
"Which means you really need to wash them," Sasappis added. "Right Isaac?"
"You're never going let that go are you Sasappis?" Isaac groaned. "As I have explained several times…The science on hand washing was extremely new back then! It wasn't fully proven until the mid-19th century!"
"Isaac," Thorfinn looked at him. "Even in Thorfinn's time we knew we should wash our hands! And not just to get blood off!"
"Well, you Vikings were notorious neat freaks!" Isaac snapped. "As well as bloodthirsty killers."
"Here's a question," Sam read another card. "If you could go on any summer adventure, where would you go and what would you do?"
"Denmark!" Thorfinn called out. "So that Thorfinn can burn it to the ground!"
"I rest my case," Isaac remarked.
Hetty added. "Throw Ireland in there and we have a deal."
"I'd go to Paris," Alberta sighed. "I'd be a star there. And get as far away from Todd as possible."
"I would go to the nation's capital Washington DC," Isaac grinned. "And then scribble my name back in on the Declaration of Independence."
"I would go back to Great Britain," Nigel sighed. "See London once again and my family home. See the graves of my father and brothers. And laugh at the bastards."
"I'd go to a Grateful Dead concert," Flower said. "I wonder if the band remembers me? I know they probably still have that tarp we had sex on."
"I'd go back to New York and party like no tomorrow!" Trevor sighed.
"I'd go back home," Pete smiled. "And punch Jerry right in the face."
"I'd go anywhere but here!" Sasappis spoke up. "Where I've been stuck for over five hundred years!"
"Let's move on," Sam winced.
"That's something we literally can't do Sam," Sasappis pointed out. "You should know this!"
Flower added. "She's a little slow on the uptake isn't she?"
Sam found another card. "Oh! Here's an interesting fact. Mount Everest is one of the most dangerous mountains on Earth. Since 1900, there have been over 72 deaths on expeditions."
"Only 72?" Nigel asked.
"That's kind of disappointing," Isaac remarked.
"Yeah, Woodstone beats that place by a mile," Trevor remarked.
"There could not have been more than…" Sam paused.
Isaac counted off. "Between us ghosts, the weird accidents to all the other members of Hetty's family, the Cholera Pit…"
"And not everyone in Cholera Pit stayed," Thorfinn spoke up. "At least ten to twelve got sucked off right away. Nancy said three got sucked off over the centuries."
Isaac added. "The few skirmishes on this property during the Revolutionary War…"
"The mass baptism in the forties that went terribly wrong," Hetty added.
Alberta added. "The party in the thirties that went terribly wrong."
"A bunch of other murders that happened on property," Thorfinn added. "And a few attempted murders that went terribly wrong."
Sasappis added. "And dozens of people over the centuries that actually did die of old age or illness and got sucked off immediately…Yeah we pass over a couple hundred easily."
"Oh dear," Sam blinked.
Trevor thought. "Wow, Mt. Everest is kind of a lightweight when compared to Woodstone."
Isaac added. "That's a fun fact you weren't expecting were you, Samantha?"
"Hey! Now everybody's learned something new today!" Pete said cheerfully.
"Including Samantha," Isaac grinned.
"Let's move onto another conversation topic," Sam winced.
"Here's a topic," Sasappis looked at Sam. "When are you and Jay going to start having kids?"
"What?" Sam did a double take.
"Yes," Hetty perked up. "That is a topic I would like to discuss."
"Me too," Trevor grinned. "About time you two had some cute little Sams and Jays running around."
"Now hang on," Sam told them. "That is none of your business."
"Actually yes, it is," Isaac remarked.
"Samantha, I don't know if you've noticed," Hetty remarked. "But the mighty Woodstone family tree has been whittled down to a twig! It's time you begat an heir. And a spare. And for good measure a spare to the spare. Just in case."
"That's a good policy Samantha," Isaac nodded. "Trust us on this one."
"Samantha as distasteful as you find this topic," Hetty told her. "The fate of the Woodstone bloodline as well as Woodstone Mansion rests on your loins. So to speak. I mean I did my duty to my family and birthed children. They were mostly idiots but they still sufficed."
"We do want this property to stay in the family," Alberta admitted.
"We have been watching them for very long time," Thorfinn nodded. "Like our favorite reality show!"
"And you would tell them about us ghosts so they would be mindful of our needs," Isaac added. "Yes, you having children would be very beneficial for us in the long run!"
"Now wait a minute," Sam began.
"I can't remember the last time there were kids living in this mansion," Pete added. "I think it was in the 80's and David was around."
"He did live here as a child for a while," Hetty remembered. "He was always lighting firecrackers and setting things on fire. Was he the one who burned down the garage?"
"I believe it was his cousin," Isaac reminded her. "But he supplied the matches so…"
"Ohhh! I could sing the babies to sleep!" Alberta twittered.
"I could teach the kids all about knots!" Pete added.
"Well, if Alberta's singing doesn't put them to sleep," Isaac quipped. "That will!"
"Oooh! Thorfinn can teach them how to be warriors!" Thorfinn cheered. "How to fight Danes!"
"I could teach them all about bear safety," Flower added.
Trevor brightened. "I could teach them to run around without pants!"
"OKAY THAT'S IT!" Sam threw down the cards and stormed out. "Conversation's over!"
"But it was just getting good!" Flower called out.
"Interesting how she can't handle it when she's not picking the conversation topics," Alberta remarked. "Some people have to have it their way all the time!"
"And that's you saying it!" Hetty agreed.
"She can dish it out but she can't take it," Sasappis smirked. "I knew that would get her off our backs."
"Good job," Trevor grinned.
"Well, that killed about twenty minutes of eternity," Isaac remarked. "Now what?"
"I'll turn the TV back on," Trevor focused and pushed the remote. "Okay what do you want to watch? Whose turn is it?"
"Mine," Alberta remarked. "I want to do a movie this time. Let's see that Great Gatsby everybody's talking about. The one with Leo in it. I mean he's no Jason Momoa but he'll do in a pinch."
"Beats reading the book," Trevor admitted. "Which I had to do in both high school and college. Ugh. And write stupid papers on."
"I read that book in high school too," Pete realized. "I didn't really get it. But maybe the movie will explain everything?"
"Oh, another literary interpretation," Isaac remarked. "What's this story about?"
Trevor explained. "Wild parties, gangsters, bootlegging, high society affairs and a murder. And yet the book still made the whole thing boring!"
"That's because Fitzgerald really poured on the symbolism," Pete said. "Didn't help."
"Another reason TV is superior," Sasappis pointed out. "This is a great time to be dead."