Alrighty, let's get the unpleasantness out of the way first – this story deals with an extremely sensitive theme – suicide. If you are at all triggered by suicidal tendencies, thoughts, emotions, etc, this story really isn't for you. Seriously. I hurt my own damn feelings with this. I will not tolerate any derogatory comments or flamers acting like you were not forewarned – you were.
See bottom of story for notes that contain spoilers for those that need to know more before diving in.
No money is made, no copyright intended.
Final Flight
There weren't a great deal many things that could upset Tony, for the most part he was completely unflappable and what did get to him, he covered with sarcasm and humour because deflection was the best way to not let anyone see that you have been affected by something, right? But, lately, it seemed like absolutely and everything, and everyone, was out to push him, to break him. First Pepper had left him. She'd packed her bags and disappeared into the night without a whisper, nothing more than a note on her pillow that she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't deal with him always being in danger and never knowing if the next battle was the one he wouldn't come home from.
After that, Ultron had happened. And between Steve tearing a verbal strip off him, and Thor nearly breaking his neck in a one-handed grip that lifted him off the ground, and left him dangling, gasping for air and no one did anything. Not one single person told Thor to put him down. It was only when Tony's head had started to loll from lack of air that Thor seemed to realise he was killing him. The god had set him down, hard, and walked off. No apology for almost killing him, nothing. Just walked away. Because, apparently, Tony didn't mean anything to him really.
And after Ultron was over, and Thor had aided in the creation of The Vision, the man disappeared back to Asgard without so much as a goodbye. And, Tony, well, he just carried on joking and laughing and being sarcastic because that was what he did. Tony kept the programme that searched for Bucky Barnes running day and night, even when Cap withheld secrets and only finally revealed them because Nat had sworn she would tell him herself and Cap just couldn't have that. Couldn't have someone seen as being more of a hero than him. So, Steve had told Tony the truth about the deaths of his parents, about how HYDRA had had them murdered. Their lives taken by the Winter Solider. By Bucky Barnes. Steve's best friend. The very best friend that Tony was using money and resources to find. For Steve.
Wasn't that a hoot? Steve Rogers, Captain fucking America, was best friends with the man who'd murdered his parents, snuffed their lives out like they were nothing. Was the reason Tony's drinking had gotten out of hand, and after their deaths the drugs had started to numb the pain. The loneliness. Because even though he'd had Jarvis, it wasn't the same. His mom wasn't there when he needed to hear her soothing voice, and even though he and his dad fought horribly, he still knew Howard loved him and when it was just the two of them tinkering over something, they had gotten along so well that Tony could almost forgive the cruel words spoken under the influence of scotch.
The unexpected happened, then. The algorithm written to search for Bucky Barnes got a hit and their Captain suited up and went out to bring his bestie home. There were no discussions over what would happen, where Barnes would live, or even if the conditioning would put them all in danger of the soldier being triggered. Steve just went and brought him back and not once did a single member of the Avengers ask themselves what it would do to Tony. No one stopped and considered how it might affect the man.
Within days they were back, Steve returned with his friend in tow, the latter looking worse for wear but altogether whole, less scattered. Apparently he'd slipped his conditioning months ago but had been finding himself, re-learning all that he knew and making sure the HYDRA would not come for him. Tony had met the man with a blinding smile, shook his hand, simply told him to pick a room and he'd make sure FRIDAY ordered in furniture for him, and if he gave his measurements, she would also order him a bunch of clothes since it wouldn't be comfortable to constantly be in TAC gear.
Barnes accepted Tony's generosity with grace and the moment he'd settled in he'd tracked the genius down, and apologised profusely for the pain he'd caused him. He had cried, and that had made Tony really uncomfortable, but he'd accepted the apology and sent the man on his way. Because if he had to spend more time that was strictly necessary around the former assassin, Tony was fairly confident he'd be giving him a repulsor to the face, and not the friendly fire kind.
Every day Tony pasted a smile on his face, he joked with the others, he and Bruce did science together, and Tony even went so far as to spar with Cap in the ring despite being at massive physical disadvantage. He danced with Nat while she did her ballet and did stretches together. They all existed together so peacefully that no one could hear how Tony was screaming for help, no one could see how much he was hurting. Instead, Tony just smiled and told jokes and continued being sarcastic.
He wasn't really sure when he made his decision, or if it was even a conscious one. He wasn't sure if it was something he settled on all at once or if it just happened over time. Either way, it didn't matter. It was all just a matter of time, of when, not if. He didn't have anything left now, no significant other, no family, no friends, and no team. What was there left to fight for? To live for? Tony began putting things into place, beneficiaries of his will, those to gain inheritance, putting more appropriate men in power on the board of Stark Industries.
Taking a leaf out of Steve's book, Tony made a list of all the things he needed to sort out before he could…well. Before. His first task was the will, he made an appointment with a team of lawyers and invited them to the compound. He blocked off one of the meeting rooms where debriefs usually happened so they could speak in peace. The others would stare, curiosity in their eyes, and Tony would just wink and smile, tell them it was just SI stuff.
He made sure that Stark Industries would continue to make monthly payments into the Stark Relief Fund so that clean up after battles would carry on. He set up an account for Peter and his aunt May and deposited fifty million into it, and the funds would be released to each of them bit by bit and he also drafted instructions that if they ever needed to make a large withdrawal they only needed to visit the bank – the funds were there for them to do as they wished – no stipulations attached.
Another account was set up for Pepper because even though she'd broken his heart, he was pretty sure he'd broken hers first. It would keep her in Jimmy Choos for a long time. He'd heard along the grapevine that she'd settled down with someone called Tiberius and they were expecting their first child in a few months. It was bittersweet, he was pleased she'd found happiness and equally in pain because that happiness was not with him.
All the charities he'd supported over the years were made beneficiaries of his will and would receive a substantial donation upon his…death. Additional meetings took place to set those up and when it came to the board of Stark Industries, Tony hired just enough members to make sure that there would never be an even vote for re-instituting weapons manufacturing. He made sure that SI would always remain a company that helped people, not profiteering from war.
The lawyers burned with questions, he could tell. Each of them practically vibrating out of their seats in an attempt to hold back what they wanted to ask. Once he'd put all that in place, Tony started to think about the team that was no longer his team. He hadn't set any of them up as beneficiaries of his will, no one was set to inherit anything from him. It was petty he supposed. He'd assigned just enough money for the compound to exist for another year or so, after that, Stark Industries would only bankroll sanctioned missions. They were going to have to go out into the world and get their own homes, a job, probably.
The more things he got sorted out, the odder his behaviour became and he needed to reign it in or the others might start to suspect something. Someone wanted to borrow something and he just told them to keep it, consider it a gift. Which was strange behaviour for him and the sad thing about it was, no one really seemed to question it. No one questioned how much Tony had suddenly stopped all the smiling, the joking, and the sarcasm.
He'd already made up his mind to not do it in the compound, as much as he was angry with the team he wasn't going to put them through the trauma of finding his body. Instead, he'd put together schematics for a suit that would take him to space and he could just turn off his oxygen and drift among the stars until he died. He kind of liked the idea of just disappearing with the stars, of seeing that which no one had and the idea felt peaceful.
By day he existed amongst the others, and by night he worked on the suit. The schematics were kept on his private server and were password protected, the last thing he needed was others finding out what he was up to and interfering. When he wasn't working on the suit he worked on a new arm for Barnes. He got in touch with King T'Challa, and asked him if he could have some of Wakanda's Vibranium. He readily agreed and now Tony was building an arm for Barnes.
It didn't take him long, just a couple of weeks really, and when he presented it to Barnes along with the algorithm that would erase all the conditioning of the Winter Soldier so he wouldn't go all murderer puppet and kill them all in their sleep or some shit. Tony hadn't known what to say when Barnes had coughed to clear his throat several times and finally enveloped the mechanic in a hug that made Tony tense up but only for a moment. He returned the hug awkwardly and made sure Barnes knew how to have FRIDAY help with the algorithm and the arm was easy to attach, just popped the old one out of the port and used a special paint on the socket so it matched the colour of his new arm.
"Thank you, Tony," Barnes whispered. "Really. It should be me offering you gifts, not the other way around."
Tony flushed pink and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. "Err, you're welcome, Barnes. Take good care of it, I won't be around forever to do fixes on it."
He turned his back to the soldier and missed the startled look on Barnes' face, the worry in the pale blue eyes. He'd already lost himself back in some work and when Barnes left the lab, Tony sort of missed his presence. Huh, who knew that could happen? Now that he was alone though he could get back to work on the suit. He was probably only another week or two out from having it complete and then…then he could finally rest.
-oo0oo-
"Hey, Stevie, you got a minute?"
Steve looked up from his book and set it aside, unfolding himself from the large armchair and clasped his hands between his knees. "Sure thing, Buck. What's on your mind? Wait, what is that?"
Bucky looked at his arm and grinned. "Uh, that's kinda what I wanna talk to you about. Tony made me a new arm and he wrote a programme so FRIDAY can remove my conditioning."
Steve grinned at him. "That's wonderful, Buck! How does it feel?"
"Really great, it's lighter than the old one and much more responsive. But, Stevie, he said the weirdest thing to me. He said he wouldn't always be around to fix it."
The blond frowned at him. "Well, he's right, Bucky. Tony will, unfortunately, pass away a long time before we will. We're not even out of our thirties yet and we've been alive for nearly a hundred years. Doctors have confirmed that my cells age significantly slower than a regular person so it stands to reason we're going to be around for a long time. I'm sure Tony was just being practical."
Running a hand through his long hair, Bucky huffed a sigh and shook his head. "No, Stevie, you weren't there. His eyes…there was nothing there. Tony's eyes always sparkled, you even said it yourself a few times, but they were dull. Lifeless. A regular person wouldn't say that, not after just handing something over, they just…they wouldn't."
Sitting further forward, Steve jerked his head towards the chair opposite him and Bucky took it. "Buck, Tony says all kinds of weird things. It's not uncommon for him to say something that others would be confused at. But what's this about not smiling?"
Bucky had to think how to put into words what he needed to get across because he felt like time was seriously of the essence here. "When I first came here, Tony would smile all the time, crack jokes, be sarcastic, a regular pain in the ass. If there was a movie on, he'd flop into someone's lap and if it was you, you'd groan loudly then if Tony tried to get up, you'd yank him back and chuckle. Tony doesn't do any of that anymore. He doesn't smile, he never cracks jokes, he's always serious and it's been days since he came to a movie night. Weeks, even."
"Right, okay, so what do you think is happening? FRIDAY, has Tony exhibited any uncharacteristic behaviour in recent weeks?" Steve asked the AI.
"I'm sorry, Captain, I am not at liberty to discuss that with you."
Steve's eyes widened and he looked for the nearest sensor. "FRIDAY, is Tony planning something?"
"I'm sorry, Captain, I am not at liberty to discuss that with you."
Bucky looked toward the same sensor. "FRIDAY, please can you tell us if we should be worried for him?"
There was a long pause before the AI answered and it put fear through both their hearts. "Yes," she whispered, the sound completely broken-hearted and lost.
"Okay, Buck. Okay. What are we gonna do?" Steve asked.
"You believe me?"
"Yeah, Buck, course I do. Tony has never told FRIDAY, or JARVIS when he was around, to withhold information from us. Never. The fact he's telling her to do so now suggests that he's hiding something pretty serious. And from what you've picked up on, it's very, very serious."
Bucky swiped at his eyes, rubbing away the tears. "Stevie, I think he's gonna kill himself."
"Yeah, Buck, I think you might be right. I just…I don't understand why."
"I dunno, Steve, but we better figure it out fast."
Steve asked FRIDAY to put together all footage of the Avengers' interactions with Tony from the moment they all joined together during Loki's escapade and the Chitauri invasion. There were hours upon hours of footage, but thankfully being super soldiers meant they didn't need an awful lot of sleep. Of all the times Steve had interacted with Tony he'd never really given them much thought, but now, seeing them played back for him, Steve could see how much he'd affected the genius and not always in a good way, in fact, rarely in a good way.
He watched all the times Tony flopped on his lap to sleep after working in the lab too long, and all the times he'd sighed as if inconvenienced, playing, teasing, he'd never once seen the look of hurt that crossed Tony's face, or the way he would lay back against him but his face never lost that pinched, sad look. Guilt wormed its way into Steve's heart and he felt sick at the thought of how many times he'd been teasing Tony and the man had really thought himself an inconvenience.
After Extremis and Tony finding a way to use it to get his arc reactor removed, Steve and the other never visited him in hospital after they'd had to reconstruct his rib cage out of titanium from where the arc reactor socket had been. Not even Pepper had gone to see him, but she had sent him flowers. According to the hospital log he obtained through FRIDAY, the only person who went to see Tony was Happy.
Ultron happened, and Steve could barely bring himself to look when he saw Thor lift Tony by his throat and Steve had stood by and watched, done nothing, and only when Tony was struggling to breathe did the usually gentle giant let him go. Bucky stared at Steve in shock and the blond hung his head in shame. For days they poured over the footage, and every time someone spoke to Tony there was the tiniest flinch, barely noticeable, but there.
No one ever asked if he was alright, or if he needed anything. The only time anyone spoke to Tony was when they wanted something. If Tony got up for something to eat during movie night, he always got battered with requests from the others to bring them something back. But if they went, Tony was never asked if he wanted anything and if he dared to ask for a drink, or something equally trivial, he was told to get it himself.
Tony was the one who'd built the compound they currently lived in, they didn't pay any rent, the cupboards and fridge were always fully stocked, clothes were constantly being delivered, and Tony never asked for anything to be paid back. Day in, day out, Tony paid for everything for them. The only person, out of all of them, to treat Tony with any kindness was Bucky, and most of the time Tony shied away from him. It was understandable, really, after what the soldier had done, but he'd kept trying. Bucky never gave up or stopped being kind, even though each rebuttal clearly hurt him, he carried on extending the proverbial olive branch.
It occurred to Steve that Tony must have become so sad and miserable amongst them that he'd decided to end his own life. It suddenly clicked why Tony was constantly dealing with a parade of lawyers – he was setting his affairs in order. Nausea settled deep in Steve's stomach, tears pouring down his face as he sobbed openly for what he'd done to the man who'd done nothing but care for the team.
Over an hour passed before Steve could pull himself together enough to call a team meeting – except Tony. He showed them various clips from their moments with Tony and waited for them to see what he had. Wanda cried into Vision's chest, Bruce's head hung low, Nat turned to Clint and grabbed him by the shirt front and dragged his head down to her level, growling that they were going to fix this. And Thor, well, he stood with his arms folded, muscle in his jaw ticking, lightning in his eyes as he stared at himself on the screen. No one missed the deep sorrow in the dark blue eyes.
Sam, who hadn't been with them long was the first to openly say that the lot of them, him included, did not deserve the things Tony did for them. Although Sam had had warmer conversations with the man, he was just as guilty as them for being dismissive. On one occasion Tony had come to Sam asking if they could talk, he remembered it quite well. But only now, in hindsight, did he notice the look of hopelessness in his eyes, the drooping of his shoulders, the attitude of a man desperately crying out for help. And Sam? Well, he'd blown Tony off, saying he had to be somewhere but maybe later they could catch up.
There had been nothing on, just that Sam had heard from Bruce how much Tony could sometimes go on for ages about whatever was on his mind, and Sam hadn't been in the right mood to deal with anything like that. So, he blew Tony off and never bothered to find him later. But now, Sam was seeing the footage from after he'd left Tony in the corridor. The genius had slumped into the wall, eyes bright with tears and whispered brokenly, "am I that much of a burden?"
-oo0oo-
A plan was formulated. They all knew that time was limited and any day now Tony could end it all. But they couldn't do anything too fast or it would backfire. If they all suddenly started being kind and considerate they knew Tony would suspect them of just doing it to appease their guilt. So, it had to be slow, steady, build it all up and make Tony see that they loved him, and that they were sorry for always taking him for granted.
So, it started with little things. Wanda had been in the kitchen when Tony came for a coffee, she made a cup for him, just the way he liked it. Completely startled by it, it had taken Tony a solid thirty seconds before he took the offered cup and thanked her softly. The beaming smile she'd given him had made Tony's lips twitch just the slightest at her. As he left, Steve came in and murmured a soft "good morning, Tony," to him.
"Morning, Cap," Tony said, voice bland.
"Thank you for what you did for Buck, he's overjoyed with the new arm."
Tony stopped and turned around. "What?"
Steve smiled. "Thank you, Tony. You did him such a kindness when I know that you're very awkward around him still, it really means the world to him. And to me."
"Uh, well, you're welcome, I guess. See you."
Steve had spent the next ten minutes grinning like an idiot because for just a moment there, Tony's eyes had sparked with something other than emptiness. He just hoped they worked fast enough before it was too late.
When lunch rolled around, Tony returned to the kitchen to make a sandwich and was faced with a feast of various types of sandwiches laid out across the island. The whole team were leaning on various surfaces, door frames, counters, walls, chatting quietly, and eating. The moment they saw him, they all called out to him and Tony didn't know where to look.
Thor appeared in front of him and the violent way Tony flinched made the smile on Thor's face dim, a plate of different sandwiches held out. "I was unsure which you might prefer so I gathered a few different ones."
Tony stared at the plate but didn't take it. "What? Why are you making me lunch, Thor? You never make me lunch. Never. You've been in this team for over ten years and not once have you ever made me anything to eat."
Steve took the plate off Thor and set it down on the side for Tony to pick up if he wanted. "It was my idea, I realised we hadn't all had a decent meal together in ages, we've all been so busy and unavailable of late that I thought it might be nice to all eat together for a change."
The plate was left behind as Tony stalked out of the kitchen and locked himself back in the lab. Steve cursed colourfully and tidied all the food away, realising he'd gone too heavy too soon. It would have been better to just have been a few of them and not the whole team. Still, it didn't discourage him. As the day wore on and there didn't seem to be any sign of Tony at dinner, he'd gone down to the lab to fetch the genius, citing it was movie night and they were watching Tony's favourite – Die Hard.
Albeit reluctantly, Tony had dutifully followed when Steve tugged his hand gently and led him up the stairs and round to the common room, everyone already piled into their seats and only one was spare – Steve's large chair. "Uh, look it's fine, I'll just go back to the lab and I'll order another chair for the next movie night," Tony said.
Sitting in the chair, Steve held out his hand. "Come on, Tony, you never had a problem sitting in my lap before."
"You always had a problem!" Tony shouted suddenly. "You would always act like it was so uncomfortable to have me on you when I was tired! You always made me feel like such a nuisance when all I wanted to do was sleep on someone I trusted!"
Steve looked so stricken the others struggled to look at the scene unfolding. "No, honey, never. I was only ever teasing you. I always pulled you back to sit on me, it always made me happy to hold you as you slept."
Tony made a face. "Don't bullshit me, Rogers! I've only ever been a fucking burden to this team and none of you had any compunctions about making me know that!"
Sam tried to play mediator and get in the middle, de-escalate the situation. "Tony, you've never been a burden to us."
"No? Really? So, I wasn't a burden when I came to you needing to talk to someone and you said you were busy but when I asked FRIDAY what you were doing she said that you were just in your room, doing nothing. Which means you weren't too busy to speak with me, you just couldn't be assed to!" Tony screamed, eyes spilling over, tears running down his cheeks and into his goatee. "I needed you, Sam! And you couldn't be bothered. Don't pretend to care now! None of you cared before! Thor didn't care when he almost broke my neck, Steve didn't care when he always brushed my opinion aside, and Nat never cared when she and Clint never included me in anything. None of you have given a shit before, so don't fucking bother now!"
"Tony, please, we know we've been asses, we know that we've let you down, but we're trying to make up for that," Sam pleaded.
His face twisted into something unpleasant and Sam recoiled from him. "No, you just want to make yourselves feel better, so that when you find out I died you can all say you did your best with me. Well, fuck you all!"
Tony turned and ran to the lab, threw it into lockdown and climbed into the suit that would carry him into space. It was pretty much ready, it didn't matter if he hadn't tested anything and it blew up. After all, he was going to space to die. Tears poured down his face and he sobbed, his voice breaking and breath hitching so badly he couldn't give FRIDAY the command to start the suit up.
There was a loud creaking and then the door to his lab was wrenched open. He raised a gauntlet, fully prepared to blast Steve or Sam out but it was Bucky who came in, his pale eyes burning and his hands clenching repeatedly. "Tony, please, don't do this. Please."
He had every intention of telling him to get lost, but then Bucky fell to his knees and held out his flesh hand, curling his fingers, beckoning. "Come on, sweet thing. Please. Come outta the suit and talk to me. The others won't come, they're confined to the common room for now, and FRIDAY promised she wouldn't let them out."
For whatever reason, Tony opened the suit and tumbled out, falling to the ground in a heap and screaming, sobbing. Bucky shuffled closer until he could pull Tony into his lap and held him close to his chest, his flesh hand running through the curly locks and pressing kisses to his head. Bucky stayed on the floor, the cold seeping through his clothes but he never complained, never made to get up. He stayed there, for hours, until Tony fell into an exhausted, fitful sleep against his chest.
Bucky didn't move until he knew Tony was out cold, and even then, he only went to the sofa in the lab and stretched out, letting Tony lay between his legs and pillowed Tony's head on his stomach. He asked FRIDAY to wake him the moment Tony began stirring. "Of course, Sergeant Barnes. Thank you."
He allowed himself to drift, not really asleep, more dozing. He thought of all the ways everyone had let him down and how deep the damage must run if Tony was hurting so badly that his first instinct at everyone trying to make amends was to run and hide. The schematics for the suit was still displayed on the holo-display and Bucky had spotted them. They were going to have to work very hard if Tony's suit was ready, and from the flashing green numbers, it was.
-oo0oo-
"Apparently we have done more damage than we originally thought," Wanda said, chewing her thumb.
"Of course we did!" Thor roared. "We have treat Anthony as if he is nothing more than a troublesome child. Anthony has done everything to welcome each and every one of us, even Sergeant Barnes who has done the worst to him, has been treated as equally as everyone else. Admittedly he avoids the man's presence more actively but even so, it does not excuse how we have behaved. I fear we may have some irreparable damage and we cannot be absolved of our guilt."
Steve shook his head and stood up. "It isn't about absolving us, Thor. It's about making Tony know how much he means to us. We've all played a part in taking him for granted and we must make him see that he is the glue that holds us all together. This team is nothing without Tony. We are nothing."
"If I may," Vision gently interrupted. "I believe this needs to be less about making Tony see what we see, and more us needing to see what he sees. Why does he think himself a burden? I understand that many of us have behaved in an undesirable fashion, but that alone should not be enough to make Tony see himself as a burden. I believe it is less about what we have done, and more what we have said. Sam, he touched on your brushing him away when he wanted to speak with you, do you know what he wanted to discuss?"
Sam shook his head, his dark eyes shuttered in pain. "No, Vis. I have no idea."
Vision nodded. "Perhaps making amends begins with trying to right the wrongs, rather than behaving differently."
Thor looked at him in confusion. "How am I to make amends for almost breaking a mortal's neck?"
The android spread his hands open. "That is for you to figure out, Thor. But I suggest you do it quickly, the part of JARVIS that remains in me knows that time is running out. I do not believe Tony plans to live long on this Earth anymore."
Sam jerked suddenly and looked pained. "You think he's gonna kill himself?"
Steve met his eyes. "We're certain of it."
The wounded noise Nat made caught them all off guard and she ran towards the nearest lift, desperate to get away but FRIDAY wouldn't release them. Nat begged and pleaded, saying she needed to get to Tony now and fix this. The AI warned her against it, and let them know that Tony was safe. "He is currently sleeping, Sergeant Barnes is with him. I am under strict orders not to release you until told otherwise. I recommend you all come up with some sort of plan, I cannot stall him forever."
"What do you mean, FRIDAY?" Steve asked.
"The suit that boss has designed for his final flight has been ready for several days now, but I have been adjusting the figures to make the calculations seem incorrect. I can only do this for so long before boss figures it out. You must fix this!"
-oo0oo-
Tony slept for a few hours, waking to a warm body breathing slowly beneath him. He opened his eyes and flushed pink at the sight of Barnes fast asleep, his face relaxed in sleep, chest rising and falling slowly. His body was bracketed by strong thighs and Tony's blush darkened further. There was no way for him to get up without waking the sleeping soldier, so Tony stayed where he was, his mind ticking over everything.
Why did it matter to Barnes if Tony was going to off himself? The man had looked so distraught, his door ripped open and Barnes had come through so wild-eyed and desperate that it had given Tony enough pause to consider powering the suit down. And when he'd collapsed to his knees and held out that hand, begging him, pleading, that Tony had come out of the suit before he'd even known what he was doing.
"I can hear you thinking, Tony," Barnes murmured, voice sleep husky.
"Uh, sorry," Tony said, trying to sit up. A cool arm wrapped around his back and gently tugged him back down. "What are you doing?"
Barnes cracked a sleep blue eye and gave him a lopsided grin. "Nothing, doll, just holdin' ya."
"Why?" Tony stressed.
"Because I like holding you, you're warm and soft. And, I think you need it. If I'm wrong you're welcome to get up, I won't stop you from leaving, Tony."
He considered, for a second. But Tony really was comfortable and happy where he was, so he laid back down and slid his hand up to wriggle under Barnes' shirt and rest of the muscles of his abs, the skin heated. "Thank you," he whispered.
Barnes didn't say anything, just rested his flesh arm on Tony's back and closed his eyes, though he remained awake. "Why do you want to die, Tony?"
Tony stiffened. "What makes you think I want to die?"
The soldier smiled wryly. "I might be from the forties, Tony, but even I can read a schematic of what you've built. You made a suit capable of reaching space, but the oxygen calculations aren't enough to bring you back home to us."
Home. Us. The words seemed so foreign to Tony. "I doubt anyone would even notice I was gone, Barnes."
He grunted in response. "I think you'd be surprised, Tony. We would miss you very much."
He laughed, bitterness coating it so that Barnes flinched. "That's a hoot, Barnes. The only reason anyone is even trying to make me feel better is to ease their own guilt. Well, I'm sorry, but that isn't my job. I've been nothing but an inconvenience to them, and I don't have anything left to live for now. Nothing. I like space, it's always fascinated me."
Barnes nodded. "I can see the appeal. But, Tony, why not let them try? No one is saying you have to absolve them of their guilt, but maybe what they say is meaningful, heartfelt. Wouldn't you at least like to know how they see you?"
Tony looked away and laid his head back down. "I think they'd learn a lot more if they knew how I used to see them."
A hand ran through his curls and Tony leaned into the touch unconsciously. "And how did you see them?"
-oo0oo-
Bucky glanced at a camera and mouthed for FRIDAY to stream to the others in the common room. "Come on, sweet thing, tell me how you used to see them, before you were disillusioned."
Tony didn't look up to meet Bucky's eyes but he was okay with that. He understood that Tony was about to make himself vulnerable and it probably made him feel exposed. "Steve was this hero I'd grown up always hearing about from my dad. There were times when I was angry at him, because Howard always would compare us and make out like I was a disappointment to him, well, when he'd been drinking anyway. So, when I met him, I was expecting this great, patriotic man and all I got was Steve Rogers."
"That was a bad thing?" Bucky asked.
"No, it was the best thing – because Steve Rogers is just another person, a man, not bulletproof or immortal, just a guy who was enhanced. He never let his power go to his head and when he came out of the ice and I saw him for the first time I was star-struck. And then, when I had to fight alongside him, I was disillusioned, because Steve Rogers didn't think as much of me. He just saw a former arms dealer who enjoyed being rich. And the sad thing? He wasn't entirely wrong. I always enjoyed being rich, I never knew the struggles of poor life, of never being able to afford things. Steve did and that humbled him more than I could ever understand. But I had always hoped that there was a small part of Steve that liked my company, my presence."
It took everything he had not to react, to make sure he didn't spook Tony. And he hoped Steve was listening because Tony was pouring his heart out, and the others needed to hear it all.
"I get that, sweet thing. Sometimes Stevie gets a bee in his bonnet about something and he just doesn't stop to think about any other options. He was just the same before he took the serum, it isn't something that was developed post serum."
Tony smiled against his stomach. "Yeah, I guess. It wasn't like when I met Bruce though. I'd followed his work for years, and when I said his work on anti-electron collisions was unparalleled, I meant it. I couldn't really stop myself with the whole turning into an enormous green rage monster, it's just…me. My mouth works before my brain catches up. But Bruce was someone who could function on my level, we would work until late at night, experimenting, and then he just came to the lab less, spent more time away from it until he just stopped coming altogether."
"Do you maybe think he just was busy?"
Brown eyes looked up at him. "Doing what? The only other person with a lab better than mine…oh, Dr. Cho. Maybe they started seeing other."
Bucky smiled. "I can confirm on that, I met her the other day and the kiss she gave Bruce was not one a friend gives. I think even Nat was a little uncomfortable."
"Why didn't he tell me?"
"Well, it's possible he thought you were still broken up about Pepper, was it Pepper?" Tony nodded. "Right, he might have thought you were still sad about her leaving and maybe didn't want to rub his happiness in your face."
Tony pouted but apparently saw the sense in that statement. "That's…actually pretty considerate."
"What about Nat?"
"Oh, Nat, wow, that was a minefield. Did you know I first met her as Natalie Rushman? Fury had sent her to infiltrate Stark Industries and evaluate if I was fit to join the Avengers. When Loki happened, and the invasion, it was hard working with her because I didn't trust her. But, when I fell back through the wormhole and Hulk caught me, I was dead. My heart had already failed, but I could hear her, crying for me to come back. I didn't think Nat felt anything really, she was always so clinical. And when Clint got hurt, she raged for days over it but never left his hospital bed every night. She slept in a chair and in the end I just told the staff in Medical to push another bed up so she would be comfortable. Nat is beautiful in everything she loves because she does it so fiercely."
"But you don't think she loves you?" Bucky asked.
Tony shook his head. "No, she doesn't. Apart from that time after the wormhole, Nat has never said a kind word to me."
Ouch. That had to hurt. Bucky did wince then and he bit his lip, grateful Tony hadn't been looking at him in that moment.
"I guess Wanda never really did anything to me, nor did Vision, though speaking to him is hard because all I hear is JARVIS. I think he understands though. Clint too, I mean he sorta avoids me most of the time but I think that's because I'm a loudmouth and his hearings aids are the crappy hospital provided ones, not some of my tech. I keep offering him them but he always refuses. Dunno why."
"I guess you could ask him why."
"Yeah, I guess. You know what hurt the worst though?"
Bucky peered down. "No, what?"
"Sam. I really needed to talk to him, I was low, really low. You'd just joined us, the anniversary of my parents' deaths had just passed and I wasn't doing so great, I was worried I'd start using again so I needed Sam. He told me he was too busy and I accepted that but it hurt. Do you know what he was busy doing?"
Bucky hid his clenched fist. "No, honey, what was he doing?"
Tony's breathing hitched and a sob broke out. "He was listening to the Trouble Man soundtrack with Steve. Listening to songs with Steve was more important than helping me and I felt like such a burden."
"Did you use?"
His head lowered further in shame and Bucky knew the answer. "Yeah, I used."
"Still?"
"No," Tony whispered. "Just that day. Just coke, nothing harder and I threw the rest away the next day, disgusted with myself."
Bucky sat up then and pulled Tony up against him, his face scowling fiercely. "No, Tony. You had no need to be disgusted with yourself. You're a former addict who reached out for help and were denied it. You still didn't start using full time and made sure you didn't fall back down that rabbit hole, you should be so proud of yourself. Tony, you are never a burden, okay? Never, and the others want to do their best to make amends. Will you let them try?"
"No."
He blinked in shock. "What?"
Tony shook his head. "No, I won't let them try to make amends. They can't make this right. If them finding out I want to die is the reason they want to try then that isn't making amends, that's easing their own guilt. I don't owe them anything."
"No, sweet thing, you don't owe them anything, but they owe you everything. I'll be with you the whole time, I promise. We'll take it one day at a time, okay? And if it gets bad, we'll go somewhere, we'll take a drive, go to the coast, anything you need."
Tony glanced over at the schematic of the suit, his lip being chewed until it bled. Bucky gently plucked it free and smoothed the skin over with his flesh thumb, wiping the blood off on his jeans. "Why?"
Bucky smiled at him, and shrugged. "Why not? If just one person can give you a single reason not to leave, wouldn't you stay?"
The genius cocked his head in thought. "I don't know, maybe?"
"Then stay for me, because I can give you a hundred reasons, Tony. A thousand, and they all start with you."
"FRIDAY?"
"Yes boss?"
"Delete the schematic and destroy the suit."
"Yes, right away, boss!" She said, voice filled with enthusiasm and joy.
It wasn't a promise not to go, but it was enough to say he was staying for now, and that was all Bucky needed to turn it all around. Just a foot in the door to make Tony see there was plenty to live for, the others just needed time to get him to see it.
-oo0oo-
It was a while before Tony would be around any of the others without Bucky there. He'd taken to using the soldier as a barrier between himself and anyone else. It didn't make any sense to them why Tony had chosen the very man he'd been unable to stand at first, but to him and Bucky, it made perfect sense. Bucky was the first person to treat Tony as a person, to recognise that something was wrong, the first person to see that Tony was not okay, and let him not be okay while still bringing him back around.
Four weeks passed and every day that Tony got better, Bucky was so happy he could scream it from the roof of the compound. Without either of them really saying anything, Bucky moved into Tony's suite and they lived together in their section of the compound. Movie nights began with Tony actually joining in and though he didn't sleep on Steve anymore, he did allow the other soldier to rest a hand on his knee when he was curled in Bucky's lap.
Bruce introduced Tony to Helen Cho, not as doctors but as his girlfriend. Tony was happy to meet her this time as Bruce's significant other and not because she was needed to patch up Clint after losing a section of his abdomen. He congratulated them on their purchase of their first home together and Tony offered to pay for a car for Bruce so he could still travel to the compound easily.
"No need, Tony," Bruce said.
Tony's face fell and he nodded. "Of course, sorry, Bruce."
"No, no, you misunderstand. The house we bought is just outside the property lines of the compound, I won't need a car to get here."
It had taken a ridiculous amount of time before Tony had been able to speak because his throat had closed on him and it was impossible for him to swallow past the lump that had formed there. Bruce had hugged him tightly and promised that he was never leaving the compound, or Tony, because who else was going to be his science bro.
Sam had needed longer to try and apologise for the damage he'd done. He hadn't known how to deal with the knowledge that Tony had used again because Sam hadn't bothered to listen to Tony. Along with doing VA meetings, Sam started hosting AA meetings and asking Tony to come speak there. He'd refused the first few meetings but eventually, out of curiosity more than anything, Tony went.
He spoke about how easy it was to slip on the slope to recovery and the most important thing was not to demonise yourself. You certainly didn't say oh well never mind, but you also didn't beat yourself up. Tony spoke about how he'd recently used again, he'd gotten low and instead of going to an AA meeting, he'd just used. It had eaten him up in guilt and when he'd woken up after the drug-fuelled binge, Tony had binned everything left and threw himself into working more.
It had been the most unexpected person that had pulled him out of the low place and let him be not okay, let him know that it was alright to hurt and to rage, but if he felt the need to use, he went to Bucky and the soldier would take him away from it all.
"In Sam you have the best you can get for recovery. He won't always get it right, but he'll do his best to fix it, so make sure you listen."
Sam had caught up with him afterwards and begged forgiveness for messing up so badly. He apologised over and over again and Tony accepted it. They weren't friends, not really, but it was getting there. Baby steps.
Tony was involved more, he spent time willingly with them. Their relationships with him healed and recovered, grew stronger and when it came time to suit up to fight, Tony was leading the team. Steve had stepped back as their leader, telling Tony the Avengers were more his than they'd ever been Steve's, and he'd had no right to take that from Tony.
But Tony didn't want to lead alone, so he asked Steve to partner with him when it came to leading missions. Steve had gratefully accepted and now they worked better than they ever had before. Missions went so well that when they got wind of the Accords being written it was scrapped pretty quickly because it was clear it wasn't needed.
The end credits rolled on their latest movie and Tony gave a jaw-cracking yawn, squealing when Bucky tickled the strip of skin that was exposed when his shirt rode up on his stretch. "I have something for you," Bucky whispered in his ear.
Tony grinned. "What is it?"
Thor coughed from behind him and Tony turned, eyeing the bundle in his arms. "Uh, Buck, is there some love child I don't know about?"
The room burst into laughter and Tony's eyes went impossibly wide when the bundle wiggled and yipped. A small yellow head popped out and Tony had to bite his lip to stop a scream of joy. The fluffy Retriever puppy squirmed to be put down so Thor gently dropped the pup into Tony's lap before he hurt himself.
"You got me a puppy?" Tony asked, voice thick with tears.
"No, baby doll, we got you a puppy. The team all got him together for you."
Bursting into happy tears, Tony buried his face in the fluffy thick fur and let the pup lick his tears away. He thanked each of them and cuddled the soft pup with joy. "What's his name?"
"That's up to you, doll. Whatever you want."
Tony eyed the puppy and mulled it over, then he looked at Thor and grinned mischievously. "I'm gonna call him Loki."
Thor roared with laughter and had to wipe his eyes. "My brother will be most pleased to hear he made such an impression you named a slobbering beast after him."
That night, Bucky curled himself around Tony, who was curled around the puppy and he nuzzled the back of Tony's neck. "I love you, Tony."
Tony smiled in the darkness, his face buried in the yellow fur of Loki's back. "I love you too, Buck. Thank you for saving me."
"Nah, doll, you didn't need saving, not really. You just needed to see that you were more than you feared. Each person on this team loves you in a different way, they forgot that you needed to be shown it."
"So, that's why Loki?"
Bucky nodded and kissed his neck. "That's why Loki. It was actually Nat's idea, she picked him out."
"Why this one?"
At that Bucky snorted. "The first thing she said was the green eyes were like Loki's and she just knew you'd come to the same conclusion."
Tony howled with laughter and shrieked when Loki woke and covered his face in slobbery licks, leaving the pair of them spit soaked and wiping it off on the covers. Tony grabbed Bucky's face and pulled him in for a soul-searing kiss. They cuddled back up together, the dog quickly worming his way back into Tony's arms. Needing the last word, Tony grinned again in the dark room. "Hey Buck?"
"Yes, love?"
"How do you feel about a summer wedding?"
The sound of Bucky choking on his tongue sent Tony into another round of howling laughter, his eyes tearing up from giggling so hard as Bucky tried to clear his airway. "Sure thing, sweet thing," he finally croaked.
So, for those of you that need to know more before you're willing to risk diving in – No, Tony does not actually commit suicide. He considers it, makes plans to do it, and comes damn close, but he does not die. This story does have a HEA – Tony lives, and things get better for him. There is a butt-tonne of angst in this story, hurt feelings, dark emotions, a whole slew of things that prove whatever I was feeling at the time I wrote this was extremely dark. You were warned.