Howdy y'all! My first Harrymort in a while and pretty much a total crackfic. There is a side pairing that is Het, but the sexual content for them is minimal and very much glossed over.

Gifted to my bestie Jessiikaa15 just so she can hate me that little bit more LOOOOOOL

As always, no money is made from this story and no copyright infringement is intended.

The Mishap

Sniggering quietly to himself, Harry made the last stir of his potion and sighed happily when it glowed bright red and steam lightly rose from it. The air was filled with the scent of apples and Harry knew he'd done it right. He knew Severus was going to curse the day the Dark Lord had asked him to teach Harry privately in potions. Surprisingly, he had been very good at it when not being heckled by the Potions Master, or Draco Malfoy and his never ending barrage of tossed ingredients.

He let it cool for a few minutes then decanted just enough to fill a vial, then vanished the rest with a murmured spell, the air once again clear and free from fragrance. It would not do for Severus to walk in now and catch him out. There were only a few potions that smelled so strongly of apples that Harry was certain the man would have him figured out in a single heartbeat.

Casting an Unbreakable Charm on the vial, he slipped it in his pocket and cleared his things away, putting the stirring rod away just as Severus entered the lab. "Potter?"

Harry smiled brightly. "Severus," he greeted with a nod. "I was just about to come practise some brewing, but never mind."

Severus paused and eyed him warily. "I can return later, if needed."

Shaking his head, Harry put the stirring rod in its place. "Not to worry, I've got ample time, I'm sure you've got things that need doing. I'll just come back later."

Before Severus could say anything, Harry skipped out of the lab and made his way to the Dark Lord's library, slipping in unnoticed and closing the door behind him. He looked around, listening out for anyone that might be in there. Pleased to note he was completely alone, Harry crept over to the liquor cabinet, carefully took down the wards, and located the Firewhiskey.

Two bottles stood side by side, one mostly full, and one with barely a quarter in the bottom. Harry reasoned that the Dark Lord's bottle would be the most filled one, seeing as he didn't indulge all that often. He made a mental note to go get another communal bottle from the cellar at some point. Uncorking the more filled bottle, he pulled out the vial, flicked open the top and poured the contents into the whiskey. Cork back in place, Harry swirled it around to make sure it mixed well.

Of course, he'd have to apologise profusely to the Dark Lord for wasting almost an entire bottle of whiskey, but he figured that if he played his cards right, he could get away with it. Nothing a nice dinner, some fancy presents and a night of rampant sex couldn't fix. Well, he hoped so anyway. He wasn't overly fond of a grumpy lover. Before he had chance to rethink his actions though, he heard voices approaching. He shoved the bottle back, warded the cabinet again, and disappeared into the many rows of bookshelves and grabbing the first book he noticed in the fiction section.

Seconds later he heard footsteps approaching, and made sure to be in one of the many bean bags around the shelves and the book open on the first few pages. He couldn't be so far into the book should the Dark Lord have seen Severus and been told he'd seen Harry not long since. He looked up when feet appeared in his vision.

"Hi," he said quietly.

The Dark Lord smiled warmly, red eyes soft. "Harry, what are you doing in here?"

He shrugged. "I couldn't settle on something to do so I thought I'd come in here and read, it always helps me settle to be somewhere you usually are."

Though his words were true, at that moment in time they were not correct for the situation. He put the book down and rose to his feet. The book magically returned to its correct place on the shelf. Harry had to crane his neck slightly to look up into the face of his lover, his eyes open and bright, his walls carefully constructed that the Dark Lord would not stumble across the memory of what Harry had been doing.

"You may stay, if you wish."

Harry shook his head and stood on his toes to kiss the Dark Lord's cheek. "No, it's okay, I'll go out into the gardens for a bit and see if Narcissa needs some help."

Harry could feel eyes on his back, and prayed that Voldemort had not seen anything in his thoughts that might belie his reason for being in there. His walls were almost always impeccable, but on occasion the Dark Lord knew how to slip through if he suspected something. When he was not called back in, he assumed that he was in the clear. Narcissa did need some help, but menial tasks such as being a helpful eye for colour.

The impeccably dressed woman eyed him and smiled. "I hope you understand what you've just let yourself in for?"

Harry blinked at her. "I have no idea what you mean."

Her smile widened. "The smell of apples has clung to your hair, Harry."

-oo0oo-

Waiting with bated breath for the remainder of the day, Harry grew more frustrated when nothing happened. In an attempt to hurry things along, he suggested that they all get together for a little celebratory drink. The war was long since over, and the Light had fallen, but every so often they still had a little party to celebrate. Not just their victory, but that it had been managed with so few deaths. A feat that would have been impossible without Harry.

Everyone murmured their agreement and watched as Severus left to fetch the whiskey. Once the drinks were poured, Harry raised his tumbler and smiled at his lover, who mimicked the action. As they all took a sip, Harry watched gleefully, desperate to see what happened. But he could only watch on in horror as the Dark Lord poured himself another drink…from the less filled bottle!

He glanced down at his glass and back up to his lover, who caught his frightened gaze and frowned. "Harry? What's the matter?" He asked in alarm.

Harry shook his head and backed up, wincing when he heard startled cries, all the present Death Eaters bar Severus turned into toddlers. Red eyes widened then narrowed in barely concealed fury before Harry felt a bubbling in his stomach. His ears popped, his throat tickled and with a sneeze, he flopped onto his arse, swarmed by his clothes, and promptly burst into tears.

-oo0oo-

The Dark Lord could only stare, dumbfounded, by the number of toddlers littering the room. He glared at Severus, red eyes narrowed at the once professor of Hogwarts. "Did you know about this?" he hissed.

Severus shook his head. "No, my Lord. I do not imbibe in alcohol, as you know. Though, it explains why I found the boy in my lab this morning with some half-arsed excuse of practising brewing."

He ran a hand over his hairless head and sighed. "Merlin save me from teenage boys! Severus, help me round them all up and we can try to sort this mess out."

Severus managed to wrangle a screaming Lucius, a raspberry blowing Narcissa, a scowling Rodolphus, a nose-picking Rabastan and a screeching Bellatrix. Voldemort grabbed a naked Harry and a shrieking Draco. He took Lucius off Severus' hands and tried to think of what the hell they were to do with a bunch of squalling toddlers.

Coming to his senses, he decided it would be best to figure out what bloody potion the boy had used in the first place. He considered using Legilimency but given they were now children, he feared the repercussions that might have once they returned to normal. Something warm stained his robes and he was mortified to find Harry pissing on him, eyes wide with unshed tears.

"I am not cut out for this," he growled.

Severus nodded his agreement and sighed when they all began to wail. "Silence!" He roared.

Seven pairs of eyes locked on him before they all started screaming. Voldemort rubbed his forehead and fixed Severus with a stare that would put a basilisk to shame. "How very helpful of you!"

"Well it's not as if I have experience with children of this age!" Severus yelled.

Voldemort stared at him. "And I do? Do you think I was running a fucking nursery when I was trying to win a war?"

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "I apologise, my Lord. Allow me to run some tests to see what it is Potter used and we can go from there."

The Dark Lord agreed told the former professor to Floo the Granger girl to get them some supplies. He knew little about children, but given that Harry had not asked for a bathroom suggested that he was not fully house trained. He made a list for nappies, clothes, toys and whatever else Granger thought several children would need. Despite her constant need to know things, he knew she would be able to keep her mouth shut if Severus said the order came from the Dark Lord.

For the time being though, he got them settled on the various seats and called a couple of house-elves to make them all something to eat that would keep them busy for a little while. Granger soon popped in with his supplies, her eyes burning with unspoken questions but to her credit, she remained silent, stopping only long enough to hand everything over and press a kiss to Harry's chubby cheek.

When Severus finally returned, Voldemort was nearly at his wits end from trying to keep them all entertained, and that was after he'd managed to get a nappy on all of them, into some decent clothes that actually fit them, and persuaded them all to eat something other than sweets.

"I believe I have worked out what it is he used," Severus started. "I tested the bottle of whiskey and it seems that from what I have managed to put together, he used the Descensus Tempore potion."

"The Age Descent potion?"

Severus nodded. "Yes."

Voldemort felt his eye twitch. "The one which has no time limit?"

"I'm afraid so, my Lord."

The twitch worsened. "Am I to understand that the young man that is my lover will be stuck as a toddler for an indefinite amount of time?"

The potions master cleared his throat. "In a nutshell? Yes. I am start working on an antidote, but as this potions does not have one it could take me some time to be able to put one together. The Granger girl would most likely help, she adores the brat and would do anything for him, as you well know when she followed him over to our side."

The Dark Lord could not argue with that logic. Much as he did not often discuss his emotions, not even with the very boy who was the centre of them, he did love Harry, very much. But seeing him like this was going to make it very difficult for him to resume their relationship if he had to care for the toddler version of him as well.

With that in mind, he had the girl brought before him and filled her in, the questions in her eyes dropping away until understanding lit in the brown depths of her gaze. "Of course, my Lord. I…if I may be frank?"

Voldemort inclined his head to her. "Of course."

She smiled softly and pressed a kiss to his cool cheek. "Harry loves you very much, and I assure you this idiot prank of his was not meant to affect either of you. Harry respects you too much to do something like this to you, or to allow himself to be caught in his own trap."

He touched his cheek and offered her a twitch of his lips. "Thank you, Miss Granger."

"How many times am I going to have to ask you to call me Hermione?"

"At least once more, Miss Granger."

She burst out laughing. "I see Harry has been broadening your film knowledge. Alright, I will take Harry, Draco and the LeStrange brothers."

Voldemort's eyes widened. "You want four of them?"

"I'll manage, don't worry. As for Lucius, Narcissa and Bellatrix, do you think you can manage them, my Lord, or shall I see if Fenrir is available?"

Severus snorted indelicately. "You do realise his biggest penchant is for children, Granger?"

Frizzy hair tossed around her head as she whirled around to face him, fire in her eyes. "Fenrir does not have a penchant for children! Remus Lupin was a one-time thing and he has bitterly regretted that since it happened. He was out of his mind after being poisoned. How dare you throw that in his face!"

Voldemort took a step back when her body crackled with sizzling magic, the air turning static. "Severus, go get Fenrir, now."

The girl huffed when he left, collected all four of the toddlers now in her care, Harry and Draco in her arms, Rabastan on her shoulders and Rodolphus was clinging to a leg. She cast a Featherlight charm on the boy and walked calmly out of the room, throwing Severus a glare as she passed by while he led Fenrir into the room. "Fen," she greeted warmly.

-oo0oo-

Settling all four boys on her bed, Hermione set to work on calming them all down with snacks and some teddies to cuddle. Harry was clinging to her like a limpet, Draco perpetually cried, while the LeStrange brothers eyed her warily. She wasn't sure how much of their adult minds had remained and how much of their current emotions were tied to things that had happened to them at the age they were.

Harry, she knew, was severely abused and would cling to anyone that showed even a blink of kindness. Given that she had kissed his cheek, he was now glued to her. She was alright with that. Draco kept side-eying her until she opened an arm for him, and he dived at her, clinging to her shirt and sobbing.

Oh, boy, this is going to be a long night, she thought. "Okay, boys, let's get some rules in place. Who knows when to ask to go to the bathroom?"

All of them raised their hand with exception to Harry. Well, that was something she could do if only one of them was not yet potty trained. The day was already wearing on and Hermione was exhausted. Her body was already under immense strain but she'd hidden that from everyone, fearing they would treat her differently.

Just as a wave of exhaustion made her dizzy, the door to her bedroom opened and she smiled at the familiar face of her lover. "Dorogoy, you seem tired."

She leaned back when arms wrapped around her waist and thumbs stroked the thin strip of exposed skin where her stomach protruded just ever so slightly. "I am exhausted, Antonin. We have four children to look after until Severus can engineer an antidote to the potion Harry brewed. Honestly, I love the playful side of my best friend but right now I could murder him."

Antonin Dolohov, the very reason Hermione was cursed with a scar that bisected her chest, had managed to break free from the madness that had clouded his mind, and spent every second of his free time apologising to Hermione for what he had done to her. When she had joined the Dark Lord, along with Harry, the man had worked even harder to prove himself. Somewhere along the way, they had fallen in love with one another, and now, Hermione was carrying their first child.

"Of course, Dorogoy, the boy is a nuisance and he always will be, but you wouldn't change him."

Sighing, Hermione turned in his arms and kissed him. "No, not in the slightest."

"Come, we will change the nursery to suit the boys temporarily, think of this as a practise run for when our little one is born."

Antonin did all the charm work, giving Hermione a much needed break from everything and she simply played on the floor with them. When they all started yawning, the couple tucked the four boys into the overly large bed Antonin had Transfigured, each pressing a kiss to the boys' cheeks. Hermione stayed until they were all asleep, and cast a light monitoring charm that would allow her to know if they woke up at all in the night.

Antonin dragged her to bed shortly after that and proceeded to massage her back, murmur sweet words to her stomach, then remind her of one of the many reasons she had fallen in love with him, until well into the night, where she fell into a sated sleep.

-oo0oo-

In his own room, Voldemort glared at the hangings of his bed, the other side of the covers cold and empty. Damn the boy and his fucking pranks! He would have a very stern word with Harry about messing with potions he didn't know the full ramifications of once he'd been returned to his normal self. However long that was.

Unable to sleep, he glided down to the library and destroyed every bottle of whiskey in there. He missed his lover, the way the boy would cling to him in sleep, messy hair tickling his nose, legs twisted between his, bodies sated from vigorous love-making.

Even without the sex, he missed the feeling of Harry in his arms, head pillowed on his chest. Harry always insisted on sleeping with a heartbeat under his ear. Would he sleep without that now? He knew he wouldn't rest until he checked on the boy. Voldemort slipped into the rooms Granger shared with Dolohov and slipped past their bed, unnoticed, to find Harry curled up with the other three boys.

He brushed the sleep warmed cheek of the sleeping child and shrank back when Harry stirred. "V?" Harry mumbled.

"Yes, Harry, I am here."

"M'sorry."

"I know, go back to sleep. Severus will fix everything, I promise."

At least he knew there was some memory retention there, something to let the Granger girl know about in the morning. He crept back out, steadfastly ignoring the knowing smile on Dolohov's face, the dark eyes following him as he moved about.

Ensconced back in his own rooms, the Dark Lord was able to fall asleep now that he knew his lover was warm and safe, sleeping soundly. Of course, the same peacefulness would not reign in the morning.

-oo0oo-

Harry stirred, the light from the sun creeping past the curtains and shining on his face. Groaning, Harry threw an arm over his eyes and curled into the chest he was laid on, snuffling when hair tickled his nose. Wait. Hair?!

Shooting upright and awake in the blink of an eye, Harry howled in horror to find he'd been nuzzling Rabastan LeStrange's very muscular, very hairy chest. Which, in turn, woke the other LeStrange brother and Draco, who'd been just as snuggled up. The rounds of screaming that followed were neither manly nor ever to be spoken about again. Ever.

Hermione burst into the room and shrieked, covering her eyes when she was greeted with four very grown man with their unmentionables on display. Antonin roared with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks and great guffaws coming from him. The four boys returned to men scrambled from the room, each screaming at the other to never speak of this event again.

Bursting into the Dark Lord's rooms, Harry dove under the covers and squeaked when a wand was under his chin before his lover realised who was in the bed. Harry was subsequently berated for the next thirty minutes on the values of researching potions before using them, the dangers of what he could have done if he'd been stuck a child (namely the loss of their relationship), and then kissed breathless.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," the Dark Lord hissed.

Harry mewled when that sensual mouth slithered down his chest and tugged a nipple between sharp teeth. "Never," he moaned, legs already spreading so the Dark Lord could settle between them.

The preparation of Harry's body was short-lived, neither willing to wait, and only when Voldemort was fully seated inside Harry did the young man let loose the torrent of expletives he'd been holding back. Every thrust into his body made him swear colourfully, Voldemort covering Harry's skin in bruises and bites.

By the time they achieved their end, Harry was a babbling mess, incoherent from orgasming twice already, and when pushed into a third, he choked out a moan before passing out, his last conscious thought was of Voldemort growling deeply as he came inside Harry, noseless face buried in his throat.

He wasn't out for long, but when he came to, he promised the Dark Lord he would not prank with unknown potions again. Harry informed his lover of his best friend's pregnancy and made him swear he would not treat her any differently. Red eyes gleamed possessively when Harry mentioned pregnancy, and the young Gryffindor knew it was only a matter of time before the Dark Lord would want to put something in Harry's belly as well.

Surprisingly, it took far less time than either of them could have planned. Six weeks later Harry was throwing the contents of his stomach up, screaming at his lover, the fearsome Dark Lord Voldemort, that if he ever touched Harry again he'd cut his bollocks off. The Dark Lord simply smiled and shook his head. Probably best not to tell Harry he was carrying twins just yet.