Sauron

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Author's note: Thank you, scrappy8 for reviewing on 'Affairs with Neville'. I decided to write another fic which I saw on reddit. While it does not bash any tropes, I think the idea is funny.

"Hey Sauron!"

Voldemort stopped in his tracks, blinking for a moment. He was in the chamber of his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather with Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived when the boy himself uttered this confusing word. He expressed his confusion, rather...ungracefully. Well, he just exclaimed, "What?" But, the word itself was confusing. He prided himself as an English Major. There was no English word that he did not know.

"Are you deaf, Sauron?" asked the boy, and he bristled. "I'm tired of calling you 'Voldemort'. It's a long and stupid and flowery name. If you thought that French would make you sound cool and evil, you were wrong. It's literally the language of love, so ha!"

He was tempted to just smite the boy("My lord, that is known as a god-complex." "Shut up, minion.") but he was also very curious. But, he ignored the name, for now that is. There would be plenty of time when he conquered the world and became supreme ruler.

"As I was saying, Harry Potter, you are too late. My daily record notebook is performing suctorial on petite Ginevra Molly Weasley," he started again.

"Blah-blah-blah, Sauron," waved away the annoying boy his words. How ineloquent! "I'm the big bad, I'm gonna suck up her life force and gain power, we've all heard the speech a hundred times. Now, you might want to read 'The Lord of the Rings', that's got wonderful speeches." The Lord of what?

"If it is the Lord of the Flies, I have read it," he said, smartly.

"I see you're dumb as well as deaf," Potter rolled his eyes. "I said 'Lord of the Rings', not 'Lord of the Flies'. Besides, who would want to be the Lord of flies?"

"No one insults 'Lord of the Flies'," he roared, swinging the stolen wand around in an arc. It was a glorious book, thank you very much.

After a whole fight with the basilisk and stabbing and phoenixes and poisons, as Tom Riddle faded away in golden dust, like he was in Infinity War, Harry said, victoriously, "Bye-bye Sauron!"

"So, you're one of Sauron's minions, right?"

Sirius Black stopped in his tracks, blinking. They were in the old house which they had used on the last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year of last year. Giggling interrupted his thoughts as he saw the bushy haired girl stifling her giggles with her hand.

"Really Harry," she said, amusement in her tone. "Sauron? Couldn't you have used Morgoth?"

"Sauron's better," Harry adamantly stated. "And anyways, Dumbledore's Gandalf."

And they dissolved in a conversation about Frodos and Sams and Gimlis and Legolases and Boromirs and Aragorns and Pippins and Merries. Remus, him and the red haired, freckled boy looked at each of them as they spoke, as if they were observing a tennis match.

Finally, he had enough. The furious temper he was rumored to have flared up and he interrupted by asking, "Excuse me? Can you explain what the hell is 'Lord of the Rings'?"

The two of them turned to blink at him. "Oh, Mr. Black," started the bushy haired girl. "We need to educate you on the ways of Tolkien."

Fourth year was awful, with Sauron's rising and everybody at Minas Tirith* not believing that he hadn't put his name in the Goblet of Fire. Well, not even Sam at first. Thankfully, Gandalf didn't believe the rumors. Boromir told him that Sam was jealous of his fame which he never wanted, but thankfully, after the First Task, they resolved things up. And just like that, they were best friends again.

The Third Task ushered in the end-of-year-ly meeting with Sauron. This time, he was in a place which he did not know, surrounded by the orcs and that traitor, Wormtongue. "Ah, Harry Potter," he heard Voldemort say in his new resurrected form, all serpentine and red-eyed. "We encounter anew." Still as flowery-speeched as ever.

"Well, Sauron," he started, putting on an over-the-top Cockney accent and taking pleasure as Sauron bristled. "I'd say it were a pleasure, but did yer right 'ave ter brin' yor emo minions 'ere?"

"What the purgatory are ye speaking about?" Sauron demanded.

"You're stinky Kingdom Come," he stated. "I asked why your emo minions 're 'ere."

"What's emo?"

There was a sound of skin hitting skin.

"Harry Potter," Bellatrix heard her master say, his red eyes glinting. Oh, he was so handsome when he was mad. And sexy too. "We meet again. But fear not, for this time I will slaughter you."

"Ah Sauron," the upstart said, adopting a relaxed pose. "It's nice ter meet yer. I spot yer 'aven't changed, right a bit."

"WILL YOU CEASE THAT!" her master roared, raising his wand as the boy leaned against the statues on the pedestal.

"Wot, right, annoyin' yer?" the boy answered, checking his nails.

"Aarghhh!" her master roared, swinging his wand in an arc while shooting a killing curse at the boy who ducked behind the pedestal. The goblin's head fell off as he popped from behind the centaur, a sheet wrapped around him. "Honey, I'm 'ome!"

"So, you're gonna cut and carry her?" he asked while dodging curses, nodding towards her. "Man, congratulations! Too bad you'll be brown bread before the marriage. And if you do get married, you'll have to make bread and honey to support your basket o' gravy. Come on, admit it Sauron," her master bristled up, "you'll be a bad husband. And an even worse father."

Oh, so they were talking about her and the Dark Lord getting married! But, he'd not be a bad husband, he'd be an excellent one! But then that fool Dumbledore interrupted and they could not talk about marriage and babies anymore. It was pity. She would have loved to talk more about marriage and babies, even if it was with Potter.

The one question she had after all the shenanigans at the Ministry was:-'What's a Sauron?'. She regretted asking such a thing by the look on her master's face.

This was the year, Voldemort swore. He would murder Harry Potter. The consequences did not matter, not to him.

This time, he would not go himself. Instead, he would send one of his minions to accomplish his task. Though, perhaps not Harry Potter this year. This year, he would kill Dumbledore himself.

Forwith, who would implement this honourable task? Perhaps, the novice Death Eater, Draco Malfoy. He sniffed at the name. Dragon Bad Faith, indeed.

Alternate ending by Russian Bear:

He sniffed at the name... Draco, Draco... No, he should think up some other name for the boy, something slimy. Perhaps, Gollum?

I think that Harry will now forever speak in Lord of the Rings themed speech in his mind. Minas Tirith here refers to Hogwarts, Sam to Ron, Wormtongue's Wormtail, the 'orcs' are the Death Eaters and Boromir to Hermione. I...don't know why I made Boromir Hermione, but I assume I had a reason.

Also, I adamantly believe that in this AU, Harry forever speaks in a cockney accent in front of Voldemort just to annoy him. While Voldemort is just there, porcelain tears making their way down his serpentine face as he moans and groans under the rough and tough sounds, pleading that his arch-enemy spoke as flowery English as him.

I literally just rediscovered this work today- including a huge chunk of text from the Deathly Hallows that seemed too out of place. So, that's cut. I hope you liked this!

I will be going back to my secluded bunker and hiding there in peace and somewhat guilt until an idea strikes me again. Review, if you want to! They make me happy!