Tomorrow, I'm gonna leave here
I'm gonna let you go and walk away
Like every day I said I would
He's done. No, more than done. He's /had it/. Normally, thanks to a few scattered years of therapy, Charlie can cope with the world around him, but this time, it's not enough to combat the wall of bullshittery that he's experiencing.
First, Tori moved out earlier in the month to go live with her boyfriend Michael, which in turn, had set his mother on a hunt for someone new to blame for the family problems. She didn't have to look very far of course, given the choice was between him and Oliver and given Oliver was seemingly normal for a seven-year-old, it's a rather easy decision.
And tomorrow, I'm gonna listen
To that voice of reason inside my head
Telling me that we're (everything is just) no good
He doesn't know how his Dad deals with it without a passing glance, but he's not doing the same. He's not coping. The therapy's not helping and the only time she's out of the house away from her wicked words and subtle barbs, they still haunt him like they're constantly attached to him. It's gotten to the point where he's scratching his skin and that's also no good because everyone else is starting to get concerned now and he can't have that.
He can't have someone (like Nick or Tao god forbid) catch onto the slowly building plan that's been incubating in his head for the last 4 months solid. He won't duck out this time.
But tonight I'm gonna give in one last time
Rock (Hold) you strong in these arms of mine
Forget all the regrets that are (guilt that is) bound to follow
He does compromise on one thing though, as he lies in Nick's arms - feeling the breaths of the elder teen against the nape of his neck. His original plan was to just take off and disappear into the wind, fade away like the seasons into one another and start somewhere new running on his newly free feet.
Seemingly, however, the night he chooses as "the one" where he's going to jump from that cliff is Saturday, a day he normally spends with Nick anyway, so its it's own special torture as he looks in the face of the boy he loves on his doorstep and lies sweetly like there is a tomorrow ahead of them, like he's not about to up and vanish and potentially, never see the other again till some school reunion in their forties.
We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no (too) good for you, you're no (too) good for (to) me
We (I know this will) only bring each other (us) tears and sorrow
It's a horrible thing to do, to just vanish, but it's too late to back out now. He's got a plan, his bags are packed, hell he's even bought a ticket behind his parent's backs to Spain for fuck's sake. That's where he's headed anyway.
He can always pretend when he gets there that he's on vacation if someone asks what he's doing there, headed for Ibiza or Mallorca or something. Like he's in his early 20's and just starting uni. Like he's grown up.
But tonight, I'm gonna love you like there's no
Truth is, Charles Francis Spring is going to disappear and someone else, someone better and stronger and more able to function is going to take his place.
Someone will take his place in Nick's life as well, he's sure of that. Nick won't be alone for long, not when he's this close to going to uni. He'll find new friends, distractions and a new relationship with someone less fucked up and spineless as the boy curled up next to him in bed thinking all these things and trying not to weep uncontrollably.
He'll be okay without him. Nick will be okay without him. All of them will.
Tomorrow, I'll be stronger
I'm not gonna break down and call you up
When my heart cries out for you
Sunday morning arrives and it brings with it dread in the pit of Charlie's stomach. Usually, he stays over the whole day and comes home in the early night, but that morning, there's a rushed excuse, one last kiss (or a few) and then he's home and pulling things out of drawers and in general making sure everything is in place.
He won't pretend his whole body's aching and sore and grieving already even before he's left his own home, but he's trying to ignore it. He has to. Muttering apologies under his breath close to tears isn't working, but it's what is keeping him on his path of destruction.
And tomorrow, you won't believe it
But when I pass your house I won't stop
No matter how bad I want to
He makes it to the train in record time, surprisingly, like the universe knows he's about to make a break for it, like it wants him to despite everything else trying to pull him back.
From the train window, he looks out at the neighbourhood, the beach, Nick's house somewhere nestled in there with a boy in it that Charlie just wants to run into, unaware that his boyfriend (should he say ex-boyfriend now? As that's what he'll be soon?) is no longer going to be in the country in about 3 hours or so.
Did he realize like Charlie that his boyfriend's entire life up to this point had been falling apart at the seams and this was the only solution that made any sense anymore?
But tonight I'm gonna give in one last time
Rock (Hold) you strong in these arms of mine
Forget all the regrets that are (guilt that is) bound to follow
Nick asked him a lot of times if he was okay last night.
Does he somehow know that a plane is going to take him farther away than they've ever been in their relationship and somewhere between the London sky and the Spanish ground, Charlie Spring will stop existing?
We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no (too) good for you, you're no (too) good for (to) me
We (I know this will) only bring each other (us) tears and sorrow
Maybe he did. Maybe he has no clue. Should he have warned him? Told him? God, he needs to stop letting his mind wander, as knowing him and his stupid loyalty, he'll wander so far into his own thoughts that he'll wander his way back home.
He's in too deep now to be thinking that, despite the guilt hitting him harder than the night before when he'd looked into Nick's all too eager eyes as soon as he gets off at the airport station and drags his bag up onto his shoulder.
But tonight, I'm gonna love you like there's no tomorrow
He knows Nick doesn't know, but while he slept, Charlie memorised him. Every inch of his body that Charlie had seen, felt, knew - he committed to the recesses of his mind where only the most precious things were kept. Every freckle, movement, noise, every memory happy or sad or mixed, was all downloaded, stored and preserved like a museum exhibit.
If he truly was leaving, if he was truly going to break Nick in two, he wanted to remember him like this. When they were together. When everything seemed like tomorrow was real. When their relationship seemed good, like their whole lives were ideal and warm and cared for.
Baby, when we're good, you know we're great
But there's too much bad for us (me) to think
That there's anything worth trying to save
God, they could have been something, if Charlie hadn't been so fucking cowardly. Where could they have gone? Where may have they ended up?
Nick, some famous rugby star and Charlie the trophy husband? Nick the school teacher and Charlie the music teacher having a quickie in the janitor's closet after eyeing eachother off over the playground due to an argument over breakfast?
Charlie, the somewhat famous artist and Nick, his muse and supportive partner? Another future Charlie hadn't pictured in the last almost year of his life that meant forever?
But tonight I'm gonna give in one last time
Rock (Hold) you strong in these arms of mine
Forget all the regrets that are (guilt that is) bound to follow
The weight of what he's giving up, all those futures, all that time - it hits him harder than it should have any right to have by now, so close to the finish line. So close to getting away and becoming someone new and better and - fuck.
Charlie crumbles like a cake being smashed by a toddler with strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes like his that he can see in his mind's eye thanks to bringing up those beautiful, possible futures, the child's face bleeding into a haunting one as a vision of Nick stands before him, heartbroken and asking Charlie why, why, why.
We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no (too) good for you, you're no (too) good for (to) me
We (I know this will) only bring each other (us) tears and sorrow
Charlie doesn't want to answer him, doesn't want to break down in the middle of an airport terminal and suddenly have a panic attack or something, but it's looking that way.
He doesn't want to say his life is shit, that Nick deserves better, that he's weighing him down and home is a mess and he's spiralling and everything's no good. He can't say all of that to a vision made from the guilt that's going to follow him around for the rest of his life. He can't.
He won't.
But tonight, I'm gonna love you like there's no
He's so close to calling, begging Nick or his Dad to come and get him, when his flight calls for boarding and snaps him out of it. He's almost breathless as he clambers to his feet and makes it to the gate, boarding pass in hand.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna leave here
I'm gonna let you go and walk away
Like every day I said I would
It's only when the plane's in the sky does he breathe for the first time in forever. An actual breath. It stinks of guilt and disgust and sadness and he'll not be able to live with himself for a long while, but he'll learn to live with the stink of being a rotten person. He needs this. He /needs/ this. He doesn't hide the tears falling down his cheeks as he closes his eyes however, hoping his seatmates don't ask him too many questions.
He also doesn't hide his quiet weeping either when his phone stops going off.