No, I don't know why I wrote this.
"You know Perry the Platypus, my insurance has tripled since you started showing up. The insurance agent doesn't believe me when I tell him a platypus is responsible for the damages." Doofenshmirtz complains while grabbing the door and pushing it loosely back into place. "I've had to start fixing things myself because they keep raising the price so much. Honestly, it's almost like they think it's my fault you break into my place on a regular basis!"
"Gddgddgdd."
"It is not my fault! I just want to make my evil inventions in peace! You're the one who keeps breaking my door!" He rifles through his coat pockets to find his Fixer-Inator. It can't do everything, but it does enough. Honestly, he should call it the Insurance-Saver-Inator because it's kept him from having to call the company several times. "And the windows, and the ceiling, and the railing…"
The platypus snorts.
"...and even the wall! You're a platypus! How do you break a wall!?" Finally, he finds the Fixer-Inator, flicks to the 'hinge' option, and staples one into the door and the frame. Crude, yes, but effective. It was easier than making the Pinpoint-Time-Reversination he sketched blueprints for. He just wasn't feeling making another miniature lightspeed battery. Too expensive!
Doofenshmirtz turns around from the door. Perry is, as usual, trapped. He went with a specially-made floor tile this time. Half of it drops away when stepped on, slipping the victim's leg down into the pit before a spring pushes it back up, but without a small central area where the victim's leg will be stuck. It ends up looking like they got their leg stuck in a small hole in the floor.
"But you know what's even worse than a platypus breaking down my door?" He asks, walking across the room to the television he's set up; recording prepped for just this occasion. "Something that just boils my blood?"
"Gddgddgdd."
"No, not- I'm over the whale thing, alright? You don't have to keep reminding me! Sheesh. A guy holds one little grudge and no one lets him forget it." He grumbles and flicks on the television. "No, Perry the Platypus. It's something much more sinister than whales. Backdrafts."
The dead-eyed stare Perry gives him tells Doofenshmirtz his nemesis is unimpressed.
"What? You know when you keep a window open during the summer because it's hot and you don't want to turn on the AC because it's expensive and then you need to go into another room to get something but the door closes way quicker than you were expecting because of the change in air pressure? Oooh, I hate that! You can never quite get the door to close like you want and you end up slamming it or it takes forever to close because you're being extra careful and it's just the worst."
Perry eyes the television that is showing him a few recorded instances of this exact problem, then looks back at Doofenshmirtz. "Gddgddgdd."
"I can't just close the window!" He argues. "That's way too much effort! Besides, then the room would get hot and it defeats the whole purpose of opening it!"
The platypus mimes pressing a button.
"I guess I could just make the windows automatic." Doofenshmirtz admits, "Buuut I've already put in effort making today's Inator, so I might as well just use it! Speaking of…"
He jogs over to a machine covered with a white sheet and rips it off.
"BEHOLD! The Pressure-Inator!"
The Inator in question looks like a mess of spaghetti; if spaghetti were made of thin grey tubes with nozzles instead of noodles. It's twice his height, but that's hardly all of it. The shaft holding the tubes is clearly meant to extend, and all the tubes feed into the floor where Doofenshmirtz knows he has a massive storage of spare tubing.
"With the Pressure-Inator, I'll be able to inject extra air into various areas around the Tri-State Area to equalize all pressure differences, as well as stop any incoming winds, therefore keeping the pressure in the city exactly the same and preventing backdrafts!" He crows. "Of course, keeping the air pressure of the Tri-State Area the same all the time will mess with everywhere around it, maybe a tornado or twenty, but really that's a small price to pay to stop my door from slamming, you know?"
"Gddgddgdd."
"I mean, it's their fault if they can't stop tornadoes, it's not even that hard!" Doofenshmirtz retorts. "And it's not like the weather channels will be blamed, because they're never accurate. If anything I'm doing them a favor by showing the world what liars they are!"
Perry glares at him. Of course he does. That's an agent's job! At least, he assumes so. He didn't see anything about it in the contract but that's what Perry has always done.
"Speechless, Perry the Platypus?" He gloats, leaning down in front of his nemesis to let him see the grin on his face. He wiggles his fingers tauntingly in front of the platypus. "I bet your tiny mammal brain can't even begin to comprehend the magnitude of what I'm doing! 'Air pressure? What is that? I'm just a platypus, I don't-'"
The kick to the chin sends him reeling. He flails his arms to regain balance and glares back at his nemesis; ready in a martial arts stance a few meters away, somehow outside of the trapped floor tile.
"Wait wait! How did you get out?! I was extra careful with the measurements this time!"
Perry presses down on the tile, slipping his foot back into the trap and then… simply uses his hand to push the tile down again and take his foot out.
"Oh." He says flatly; annoyed at himself. "Right. Probably should have made sure it locked itself after triggering. My bad… BUT NOT AS BAD AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE!"
With a burst of movement he lunges towards the level to activate the Pressure-Inator and yanks it down. The machine rattles to life with the hoses beginning to unwind while the main shaft extends up into the air and the roof splits open to give it full access to the outdoors.
"Well, I guess it's more 'not as bad as you're about to feel', or maybe 'your bad' or something like that." He muses as the hoses shoot off (they're using small valves to 'fly' with bursts of air) to their pre-programmed destinations. "Ah whatever. EYEH-HAHAHAHAHA!"
It doesn't take long for the effects of the Pressure-Inator to start being felt. The faint wind outside stills to an eerie silence, and Perry grimaces a moment later.
"Oh, oh, god, I forgot about this part!" Doofenshmirtz gripes, smacking his ear. "I hate it when my ears pop, don't you Perry the Platypus? It never happens just once, it's always, like, three times in a row, and then you're worried about it happening again for the next hour and it's just terrible!"
He has a fraction of a second to see his nemesis leaping towards him, which is just enough to get one of his arms in the way of his kick.
"Hey! You can't just attack someone when they're griping!" He complains. "Not unless you want to be one of them!"
With a mighty effort he swings at his nimble nemesis. A tactic that never works, mind you, as Perry leaps up onto his arm and uses it as a springboard to punch him in the chin.
The brawl that follows is a well-practiced routine by this point as they each scramble to find any advantage they can. He grabs a wrench off a bench and Perry grabs a screwdriver and they clash with their improvised weapons, dueling across the room as Perry gradually pushes Doofenshmirtz back with his greater dexterity. Despite his long limbs, Doofenshmirtz can't keep the platypus at a distance.
But he does manage to get a good kick in which launches the small agent across the room and gives him time to scramble to his feet, chuck his wrench at Perry (deflected with a swing of his tail) and then pick up various other tools and start throwing them.
The benefit of mechanical arms! Good aim and lots of stamina!
…that's what he would say if he'd actually remembered to turn on aim-assist, and he instead has to watch his first throw (a flashlight) go well off target and smack harmlessly into the door. He knew he was forgetting something this morning! No wonder he was having such trouble with the hammer earlier; it's hard to build muscle memory without muscles.
Whatever, he can make do with quantity over quality! He's not exactly lacking for tools.
"It's too late Perry the Platypus! My machine is already working, and there's nothing you can do about it!" He taunts while hurling a handful of washers and nuts at his nemesis. Perry dodges the scattershot without a problem and makes a dash towards him while snatching a hand saw from the floor. The saw isn't thrown at him though, no, it's thrown up towards the Pressure-Inator and straight into a hose… which stretches against the blade and snaps it back like a slingshot. "Nice try Perry the Platypus! I made those hoses out of pierce-resistant rubber! You're not cutting through it that easily!"
Perry points towards the floor, and Doofenshmirtz turns just in time to see the saw hit the trapped floor tile, get launched into the air again, and bounce right into the self-destruct button.
"...and here I thought it was out of reach. Of course." He says flatly while a series of warning beeps ring out across the room. He can already see his nemesis fleeing to the balcony, and feel the ground shake as the under-floor hose container begins to detonate. "Curse you Perry the Platypus."
The Pressure-Inator detonates, showering hoses and fragments of metal on top of him. He's more glad than ever to have titanium arms, because while his coat gets torn the debris can't cause any serious damage to the prosthetics. Even when the main shaft falls on him, his prosthetics handle the impact well and allow him to shove it aside.
What's left of his lab is a mess of metal and rubber after the aftershocks resolve themselves. The usual really. It's not often a fight with Perry doesn't leave his lab a mess.
With a sigh, he pulls out his phone and chooses one of the quick-dial options.
"Hey, Norm! Get back here as quick as you can. The lab is ruined again. Gotta get it clean before Vanessa arrives."
"YOOOU GOT IT SIR!" Norm's overly-enthusiastic voice responds, and the line quickly goes dead.
"Ah…" He sighs, kicking aside a hose nozzle. "...I hope the burning rubber smell doesn't stick around too long."